The Sin of a Sexless Marriage

Over the last year, I’ve had numerous husbands email me and share with me their heartbreaking, if not tragic, sex life stories. They explain how their wives, who were once willing to engage in sex 2-3 times a week have now become completely closed off, never wanting any type of physical interaction.

They tell me how much they love their wives, how attractive they still find her, how much they long to please her–be it emotionally or physically.

Some of these confessions are so raw, wounds so gaping, that I cry as I read them. Some are so personal and candid that I cannot read on and I pass them along to my husband and ask that he be the one to respond.

But, in all, I’m left feeling the sadness of their stories weigh upon my heart. How is it that two people who once felt the hope and promise of love–including sexual love– now live a sexless, passionless existence?

How do you get from one to the other? From a well-spring to a dried-up well? From a spiritual joining to an almost systematic dividing?

Of course, it is not just men who have written me expressing their pain and loss. Women write too (albeit far less) and share about their husbands lack of a sex drive, his disinterest in them physically, his addiction to pornography, or his excuses about being “too tired.”

This is what I want to say, whether it is popular or not because I’m preoccupied with truth–not popularity: A sexless marriage is a sin. And, it seems, many of us are sinning.

The Sexless Marriage

Now, allow me to insert my (obvious, but seemingly necessary) caveat here. Yes, I know that not all marriages are the same. I know that some people suffer from physical, emotional, medical, and other such conditions that prevent or at least hinder them from enjoying or participating in sex. I know that abuse, trauma, and the like can have longlasting and not easily healed effects on individuals and their sex life.

However, when I reference sexless marriages, I am assuming that (more or less) all things are equal–being that two semi-healthy, loving and in-love people got married and once enjoyed sex together. Until somewhere along the way, sex became less frequent, and less frequent, until finally it was non-existent.

I posed a question on Facebook yesterday asking readers how imporant sex was in marriage? Almost all, said sex is extremely important and they each listed various reasons why they believed this.

And yet, I wondered if their spouses would have answered the same? Or more than that, if their spouses would have answered similarly, but inwardly they had a different or varying views of sex?

The Reality of Sex

Women become uncomfortable when they hear things like men need sex two times a week, not want, but need. I feel the same way. I don’t want to think of sex quantitatively. I don’t want to be made to feel like I am meeting a quota. I want romance, foreplay, passion, spontaneity. But, in the real world of childrearing, deadlines, long hours, business meetings, ministry, and the rest, movie sex is not always an option. Nor should it be.

Our sex lives, within marriage, have to come back down to reality. We have to recognize that there is something to be said for the comfortable and the familiar, without losing a desire for the passionate and the explosive (yeah, I said explosive. THAT kind of sex!)

So, again when I hear of marriages where the marriage bed has literally dried up, I want to weep–not just for what has been lost, but for what could be. God does not desire marriages to be sexless. In fact, His word commands that they be the opposite (1 Corinthians 7:5) Sex should be offered freely and in love, not as a perfunctory act, but as a gift–one that is enjoyed by both spouses and brings glory to God.

Your Own Marriage Bed

If you are in a sexless or close-to-sexless marriage, I want to ask you why? What has taken place that has allowed your marriage to be robbed of the beautiful gift of sex? And are you going to do something about it?

I have personally struggled with past sin and the way that it has affected my marriage bed. Over the years, the Lord has brought various levels of healing–some supernatural and instantaneous–others through great sacrifice and pain. But what I now know and am now confident of, is that our Lord in Heaven desires nothing less for you than a pleasing, fulfilling, exciting, passionate, enjoyable, satisfying, freeing, and pleasurable sex life.

Do you know that? Do you believe that?

Because for so long, I didn’t. For so long, I thought my past sin would determine my future and God told me “No.” My freedom in Christ is available here and now–the same as it is for you. It’s not a promise yet to come, but a gift you can open today.

If you find yourself saying “no” to sex more than “yes,” then I would urge you to discover why. The answer may be painful, dark, buried, and even scary but God wants to bring Light to that place. Witholding sex from our spouse for long periods of time is not Biblical and in my estimation is sinful. It is harmful to us physically, emotionally, and spiritually and cannot and should not continue.

So, if you are not experiencing the sex life you know is possible, please pray that the Lord would show you why. Please seek Him and ask that He bring healing where it is needed and freedom where it is lacking. And know this, I am praying alongside of you. Because sex is a gift to be enjoyed, not to watch quietly die.

Please feel free to be as candid or as reserved as you like…How is your married sex life? Is it satisfying? Do you wish some things could change? How will you go about inviting God into that area so that He can bring new life?


99 thoughts on “The Sin of a Sexless Marriage”

  1. I feel like you’re fair and measured here: you’ve blended well the grace of knowing that, for some people, this issue is beyond their control, while challenging those who have shut-down for an unknown reason to seek out that reason and pray through to its healing.

    Overall, my marriage has been balanced and good in this area, but it has gone through rough patches, and early on those were entirely due to my needing to be healed–of past AND present traumas. Most recently, having entered my mid-30s, giving birth to two children within 18 months, managing a severe thyroid problem, and working full time, I found my body (not my mind or emotions) shutting down. I realized though some homeopathic hormone therapy that, within a month, I could be restored to my dashing self.

    Nicole, I stand with you in urging your readers to seek out a community of believers, of like-minded people, who can usher them towards the throne of God, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to reveal what only He knows, but is so willing to share with His children. There, we can find the wholeness promised to us in the Scriptures; we can be healed spiritually, psychologically, physically. It’s here for the taking, it’s possible, and it’s entirely available to everyone, in much love and complete freedom.

    1. “like-minded people, who can usher them towards the throne of God, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to reveal what only He knows, but is so willing to share with His children. There, we can find the wholeness promised to us in the Scriptures; we can be healed spiritually, psychologically, physically. It’s here for the taking”-

      – not entirely sure what any of this means. Could you rephrase in words that mean something to ordinary people?

  2. Great article! I have been on many levels of this, I was very abused different times as a young girl, I shut it so far down and NEVER let it come up or dare speak it, until finally after a divorce finding someone that did extensive healing prayer with me. It wasn’t that I didn’t have sex with my then husband, I did a lot , whenever he wanted to. I always was left feeling used, disgusting, ashamed. But thank God for healing! ,I am now 30 , mom of 3 , married to a wonderful man. I realize his needs and how important they are. I mean I get it that some women find it repulsive, I know some women that claim if they aren’t getting emotional,needs met they aren’t getting in the sheets. Healing and understanding from God are essential!! They are made with a need for sex no way to change it lol. But I did have a hysterectomy recently due to cervical cancer, it has been harder and with crazy hormones it can be very difficult, but I am blessed with an understanding husband and I realize his needsand do what I can at the time…. Thanks for this! Hope my partial testimony can help another hurting women find healing in this area!! God can do it, I am proof:)

    1. Sadly why couldn’t you respond to Your ex husband rather than divorce ?
      Your ex suffered to but you threw him out like trash being like most woman do always going with a new man rather than fix original relationships !

  3. Thank you for going there, Nicole. I think it is very wise that you pass along the more candid emails you get from men to your husband, boundaries are important even when we’re dealing with strangers and email. I’m sure you’ll get a fair share of disagreement with this post, so before the whirlwind begins I want to throw in my two cents.

    As a mother of three little ones (ages 2, 3, and 4) my marriage has seen several dry spells. There’s something about being pregnant for three straight years that will do that to you! After my daughter was born (my baby) I got very sick and was diagnosed with Lupus, another enemy of your sex drive. So there was this period of adjustment where I felt so physically awful and emotionally drained that sex seemed more a chore than an act of love. I have the most understanding husband in the world, which made it that much easier for me to neglect his needs. And then one day I’m reading through 1 Corinthians and it hits me, that I am living in sexual sin. Of course it’s not the sexual sin that we hear preached against, and no one was standing outside of my house holding up a sign that said, “God hates prude wives”, but it was just as bad as any other. In fact I think it was worse, because I was creating a struggle for my husband that he was suffering silently, afraid that by voicing it he would be pressuring me. So I determined to make sex a priority, whether I “felt like it” or not, and God has blessed it by giving me the desire that was lacking. I know we’ll hit other rough patches (although no more babies!) and through those my only hope is that I can maintain perspective, and keep priorities in check. Sex is important, more than we women may ever realize, and we have to be willing to love our husbands the way they need to be loved, and to meet the needs that God designed them to have, just as we hope they’ll do for us.

    So, as always, great post Nicole. You always say the things that need to be said, and I that’s what keeps people coming back. Well done.

  4. Nicole, you are a breath of fresh air. I thank God that I stumbled upon your site, after looking in frustration on the web for anyone who was single and hated it (it was your article on 15 things you should never say to your single friends).

    Anyways, I so appreciate your point of view, for saying that sexuality is an important part of marriage, that it should be amazing and mind-blowing and intimate. I wish I had your advice when I got married; in fact, even before I made the decision to marry. It would have saved me YEARS of heartache.

  5. Well said, Nicole!! In women’s ministry I deal with this often. You handled this in a balanced and fair way. I pray those who are struggling with their sex lives will heed your exhortation and begin praying about this!! As women, we don’t understand our husbands’ needs. But men are created by God, so these needs are part of His design. I got all sorts of wrong sexual messages growing up from every direction. Culture tells us one lie, and often we gather from church that sex is bad, although that is far from a biblical idea. I have worked through many stages of marital sex. The young child years were the worst for intimacy, when fatigue was my worst enemy. What I discovered is many women do not give themselves permission to enjoy sex like their husbands do, which causes their husbands to not enjoy sex but use it for self preservation. Sex is about intimacy, oneness, tenderness, and mutual exchange of true love. When we as wives give ourselves permission to explore our sexuality with freedom in Christ, our marriages go to a whole new level. Every part of marriage explodes with joy and oneness, because the unity sex brings carries over to every minute of the day. I am so grateful you had the courage to write this, and I stand with you in this fight to improve marriages by exposing the lies and bringing truth.

  6. My marriage was nearly devoid of sex from early on. She would get angry about it, but when faced with the opportunity to present ways to make it better, she wouldn’t follow through. It turned out to be two things as I look at it in retrospect. One, she used sex as power. Having a healthy sex life does not allow her to wield that power. I think a lot of women do this. Many unwittingly.

    The other concern, which also became a problem in my marriage would be whether or not she is cheating. If she gives herself, even emotionally to another man it tends to break the bond, and if she isn’t willing to work hard at repairing the bond, then even if she never strays again, the marriage bond is left broken.

    Women must understand that this is key to a successful marriage. Too often the church culture treats it as a treat of marriage, but its not. If you want that critical bond that builds lasting marriages, a healthy sex life is a major building block.

    1. Yes, sex can become about power, I agree, HeligKo. That’s what was the problem in my marriage. It became a “push-me, pull-me” type of situation, and we were never able to move beyond that. And I also agree about the emotional cheating; sometimes, it is irrelevant if it culminates in an actual physical affair. By that time, a dangerous precedence has already been set.

      Perhaps I’m revealing way too much about myself in responding to this post. But, I hope that perhaps that people can learn from my mistakes. It is too late for me, but not too late for you, if you are still married.

    2. “Too often the church culture treats it (sex) as a treat of marriage, but its not. If you want that critical bond that builds lasting marriages, a healthy sex life is a major building block.”

      Marriage is covenant. Sex is part of marriage, thus it is covenantal. Sex outside of covenant is merely prostitution and sexual abuse.

  7. I’ve heard this statement over and over again, and I totally agree with the idea that a sexless marriage is sinful.

    However, I think there is a lot of emphasis placed on the one who refuses sex, and not enough is said about the person who feels shunned. I understand what it is like to continually be turned down. I am the odd wife who wants/needs sex more than my husband.

    I have also spent nearly 1/2 (yes half) of our 12 years of marriage without sex. This is due to special circumstances (military life). So for roughly 5 years I have gone without sex with my partner because he was training or deployed. I know this was not a rejection of me as a woman since he had no immediate choice in the matter, but I learned to be patient.

    When we are together, he wants sex about 1 out of every 3 times I do.

    I guess what I’m trying to get at is that God has taught me a valuable lesson over the years. Yes, we have physical bodies with physical needs and in an ideal relationship each partner would be willing to meet the needs of their spouse. But no relationship is ideal, even between Christians.

    I think more emphasis needs to be placed on the partner that is struggling with not getting sex on a regular basis. They need to be counseled and prayed with. Our partners cannot meet our every need, not even sexually. I think there should be healthy, frequent sex in a relationship. But if there is not, if one partner is shut down physically and emotionally, it should not all be placed on that partner alone. The other spouse that feels sex is “owed” them might need a lesson in waiting, in patience, in not pressuring, in going to Christ for their needs.

    I don’t buy the argument that if you don’t get sex you turn to another person or porn either. The Spirit within us is stronger than that. We may have temptation, but never anything beyond what we can bear. What about single Christians who wait to marry? Suddenly once a person is married and gets it once a week they become an animal that can’t control their urges?

    I’m not trying to sound mean or snarky. I do agree with your sentiments. I just think there is always more to the story than just – have sex. During a 15 month deployment, I really wanted that to be the simple solution. But it was an amazing journey that God brought me through to realize that marriage is so much more than sex – and to enjoy when I got it.

    1. Aadel,
      Thank you so much for being so open and honest here. I value your willingness to do so. I agree with you, as well. I hope this post did not seem to cater to or play the sympathy card for only those who don’t feel like having sex. My hope was to write a post that is balanced and paints a sexless marriage as a tragedy for both spouses.

      In no way do I think only those saying “no” should get all the attention. As I evidenced by the way I began this post–talking about the spouses who desire sex, but remain unfulfilled. I even tried to make sure I addressed the (rarer) case of women who want more sex than their husbands, such as yourself.

      And no where do I suggest that it’s okay for spouses to lose patience and turn to adultery or pornography. Of course not! You are right, the Holy Spirit is bigger than that and living in us. He can empower us. However, I think many couples–or individual spouses suffer silently and goes months and even years without sexual intimacy. This requires more than many of us can endure and I think the Lord grives when marriage beds dry up.

      This is a delicate, intricate, and personal issue for every couple and I do not assume to have addressed every nuance of the topic here.

      All that to say, I agree with you and there is only so much I can write about a HUGE subject in an 800 word blog post. However, I think your addition to the conversation is invaluable and needed. Thank you again for sharing.

      1. Ha – I knew that you would not say that it was okay to lose patience and turn to other sexual outlets. I have actually heard that jab (said in a round about way) from a few marriage ministry sources. It was put out that if you don’t please your man’s physical desires he WILL find it elsewhere. I understand the sentiment, but don’t agree with the premise. :-)

        And I respect you for covering a topic like this so gracefully.

    2. Yes, Aadel!
      As much as I agree that a sexless marriage is not what God created marriage to be, I think what you add here is critical!
      We will never have all our needs met by our spouse. As we give that back to God, He can blossom our love and bond us, based on His strength.

    3. Before my wife and I were married we enjoyed a good sex life. The day of our wedding my other wife the US Navy had other ideas and I received emergency orders to sea after just about a whole division in my rate was busted for pot. I was supposed to be at sea for a maximum of 101 days then home for leave and R and R, It just never seemed to happen. When I pulled in I was either cross decking to go right back out or on my way to a school across the country that my wife was not allowed to accompany me to. I did this for three and a half years, I was allowed to talk for a short while during a thanksgiving refit.
      After I got out my wife had been living with my parents for six months awaiting my discharge, She had been diagnosed as bi polar and sent to live with them,
      I was on a military leave of absence from a major Auto manufacturer. While she was in my fathers home all she heard about from my father and his friends was how I was coming home and going to ruin every ones life by taking shifts, jobs. vacations, refusing or taking the holidays and overtime that I did or did not want to work. So she was asked to control me, The only two things any one could think of that I would respond to was force. and or sex. It was figured with the amount of combat arts training I had received in the army before I went to work and the navy after my wife made the promise if I could compromise the rights I earned for a time then our marital relations could resume. Within two weeks the state had forced me to assume a gaurdanship.
      Well I was never able to live up to the wants of my father, his friends or their relatives that worked with me I tried to please everyone for the first 16 years I was back, but in 2001 I found out just how tenuous life was, They had to drill a hole to the center of my brain to clear a tumor, It was causing adult onset hydrocephalus or brain swelling. The doctor told me he did not know why I survived to get to the OR. After that surgery I determined I was going to do things my way. I took a job and had to defend my right physacly, My wife said it was the most savage thing she had ever witnessed. After that the sex was still refused, She said you have to be able to back down but I was not about to any more, The next Christmas a guy I worked with went to my father and wife wringing his hands telling them how he was supposed to have his kids over the holidays and I was going to make him work because he had 8 years less than me. I was I had not had a holiday at home since 1978 and it was 2002, The tactics changed at that time, My father forced me into work with a shotgun in my spine. I retired five years later and started work at a different company. I had become resigned to my situation. I fell out of the aft bulk carrier of an MD 10 one morning, Turned my back black and blue. Four months later I was in the emergency room begging to die. MRSA had eaten up the discs in my spine and some bone causing my spinal cord to be crushed. After that for the next three years I was in and out of rehab and hospitals due to the problems MRSA caused. Then I was home one day when my wife cut out the door and spent the day and that night with an old Boy friend. I destroyed the jerk, Two weeks later I demanded marital relations, She was going to a political function with a friend of my fathers. I did not allow it, I started marital relations again after a 25 year no sex policy with me, I could never get around that guardian ship and divorce. The last year I have been in and out of stress centers for PTSD. I am not proud of having to force my own wife to resume our married life. My father has been trying to tell me what to do and what I had to allow my wife to have in the way of privacy. Twice now its lead to confrontation. Once with my father backhanded across my kitchen and me taking a reservation for another man who was to accompany my wife, and another time when my father decided he and two friends were going to hold me off with pistols and take my wife for a private breakfast, That one I recorded, I was going to the police with it when I passed where they were having breakfast at. I took my problem public. I busted the two men over the head with my heavy oak cane that held the weapons on me, right in front of their wives, my mother my wife and my father. They really could not believe I bought my beef into a public place, my wife said she just went with them to keep me from being hurt, my father said we left you unharmed that was the end of it. My mother was asking if I had killed the two men, and she said why are you so angry you were not at home, I said BS ask my father were I really was. I took my wife’s hand and said you either come now or you don’t come home. I had to show the police why I had done what I did, They said I had cause, My mother has been saying since Saturday your father has been having chest pains. I have made it clear to my wife as of now the only opinion that mattered about privacy and sex is mine. If she does not like my terms the street is there, she can place her feet and go. I know this stuff has made me very angry, but when people use your life with your wife as a bargaining chip, there comes a day when a man can’t permit it any longer.
      In 31 years I had 6 days off all around when they removed the tumor. Is there any other way I could have handled things. My wife is terrified but wont go against me. We have to go to family counciling for PTSD in me. My father says the only thing anyone will accept is my agreement not to come to the next holiday on labor day at my house. He told my councilor he is not welcome. My answer is I am the first last and only authority in my home. If he wants it he can buy it cash up front, My wife is not part of the deal. So take it and stick it.
      Am I being unreasonable? Is there any reason I had to put up with this?

  8. Nicole, thank you for your post! So timely….especially in my marriage. I’m not as brave as some of other readers (smile), but please know that you have started an interest and some prayer questions to God about this area. I want my marriage to thrive, and definitely don’t want to be in sin….This is good.

  9. Two things have saved sex in our marriage with the exhaustion of pregnancies/nursing/babies/having two crazy toddlers running around:
    1. The Quickie. Seriously, I can almost always give my hubby 20 minutes. So I can play the Quickie card when necessary and my hubby is totally okay with that.
    2. Our motto of “Even bad sex is better than no sex”. Takes the pressure off when I’m just not feeling it.
    Thanks for sharing today. This is good stuff!

    1. Liz,

      I must say that #1 made me laugh out loud, and that is no small feat. As a husband and SAHD with two daughters under the age of 4, and an amazing wife who works long hours, I highly endorse The Quickie. But 20 minutes is way too long, yikes! 2 minutes works just as well. Well….so I’ve heard, I mean. LOL! ;)

  10. As a single, I appreciate this post and for the first time felt like ‘chiming in’. This is something I’ve wondered and I’m SO thankful you tackled this topic.

    As a virgin and hearing all these horrible stories of how there is lack of sex in marriage, it makes me want to stick to the “DIY’ method, ha (I kid). Seriously, this is heart breaking. I mean, it’s sex. Shouldn’t married couples be enjoying it?! More than once in a ‘blue moon’?

    If I’ve waited 29+ years for sex, why should I have to go without when I make the commitment to marry? Why should ANYONE?! Something is backwards here.

    Any married couple can make up a ton of excuses as to *why* they’re not doing the dirty, but I think there’s a deeper issue/problem that most don’t want to address. It would involve complete, unfiltered, vulnerability.

    Maybe the fear of vulnerability is why sex goes downhill during marriage. Maybe they weren’t vulnerable to begin with.

    Also, I had to search for your post “Have Sex … Even When You Don’t Feel Like It” should be re-posted and read by everyone who frequents your blog. It may have caused a few feathers to ruffle, but it’s sound advice.

    1. Julie, you’re so right!! Beth Moore teaches that the enemy knows how powerful sex is, so he will do everything he can to get couples into bed before marriage, and all he can to keep them out of bed after marriage. It is because both can destroy people.

  11. I think there are some spot on books to help people understand more about the importance of lovemaking in marriage. 1)Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a great book. While she’s not a Christian, she “gets” most men. Sex is how men feel loved and accepted by their wives. 2) As my pastor says about Genesis, Adam was alseep, God made Eve, and introduces her to Adam and Eve is in the nude and Adam is like, “Wow!” My pastor says that God married Adam and Eve in the nude. 3) Books by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus about sex are extremely helpful (they are Christian authors); and 4) streaming programs, articles, etc. on Family Life Today (a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ out of Little Rock), are always an invaluable resource.

  12. I think you are so right that a sexless marriage grieves the heart of God.
    I would say it is not the “need” of the man. It is the need of the couple.

    My husband and I have never had a dry spell, apart from a few months as newly weds, because I was having a serious bleeding issue during my first pregnancy. That was HARD. For both of us. I was the one crying about it all the time. But I know he doesn’t cry as easily as me. Maybe he wanted to. Ha!

    During our 8+ years of marriage, I have only had a few months of not being pregnant or not breastfeeding, or both. I have not struggled with sex during this period, even though many seem to accept those years as “low” years. I can’t say exactly why that is.
    But, I wonder if it is the way we view sex wrongly, more than issues of fatigue, that get the average woman to drop the ball. The pressure to be the cultures picture of sexy is intimidating during our best years. But, when our body is birthing babies and stretching out and sagging… Yikes! I would say, tell your husband your fears. Maybe he’ll help you see your amazing mom body through different eyes.
    Also, I think Julie hit the nail on the head with the vulnerability issue. Huge, huge, huge. And what HeligKo said, from the other side. Power is the opposite of what the union is supposed to be about.
    Vulnerability is CRUCIAL. Otherwise, we hide. And manipulate. And try to control…

    Have you seen the movie Hope Springs? I recommend! (I was all teary eyed in the very first scene. It was heartbreaking. But, it ends well!)

  13. I’ve been in a sexless marriage for over 20 years. I had trouble getting aroused by my wife from the beginning. But then again I found I would lose sexual desire for all the women I dated before I got married too. I simply needed the excitement of being with a new partner in order to get aroused enough to perform. My wife agreed to marry me if I promised to seek Sex Therapy after the wedding which I did. I went to a number of therapists over the next 3 years but none could help. They said that due to severe childhood abuse as soon as a relationship I was in started to get emotionally close anxiety would shut me down sexually. It was hard for my wife to accept at first but she finally did and our marriage is great except for the sex. I think this proves that sexless marriages can survive and thrive.

  14. I find it interesting how men are seen by many as “shallow” because of the “all they want is sex” or “that’s all they ever think about” philosophy. But isn’t it just as “‘shallow” for one spouse to shut off the other. To view sex as unnecessary or optional is to have a low view of God and His word (see 1 Cor.7) If one views sex as optional, they simply do not believe God or His word. A sexless marriage because of selfishness is a revealer of how much we love our spouse, but how much we love God.
    I fear that many wives are foolishly tearing down their own marriage with their own refusals.

    The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
    Proverbs 14:1

    1. Correction:
      A sexless marriage because of selfishness is a revealer of NOT how much we love our spouse, but how much we love God.

  15. I married my wife 9 months ago. we had sex twice or 3 time at first. For the first fweeks i couldent keep her off me. 3rd 4th and 5th month it was only me askingk and she was comeing up with more and more excuses why she didnt feel like it. Now we have had sex once in the last 3 months. Ive voiced my needs, but she refuses me. I know it is not an issue of getting our fair share of pleasure. I know its not an issue of physical ability or health. How long must i endure? How is this marriage if she withholds love and intimacy? When was this ever considered ok?.

  16. I read all of the time about the women being the ones who lose interest in sex. For me it’s the total opposite. I have been married for 11 years and at first all was okay but it has steadily gone down hill. He will walk up and touch me .. grab at me…and tell me I’m beautiful and yet there is NO cuddling NO sex NO passion in our marriage at all. He tells me that it’s because of his medication, I don’t believe that. I know that he has no problem pleasing himself. I have tried to understand, I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he tells me he will cuddle with me and take care of me but that never never happens. I am not sure what to do other than to just pretend we are only roommates. I feel dead at times.

  17. I live in a sexless marrage I am a beleiver I go to a full gospel church my husbands a beleiver toi he has epwlepsy rage and sleeps 17 out of 24 hrs a day I am 53 he is 40 I am told vy men im still attractive but I never flirt and havw not cheated in our whole 14 yrs of marrage he is an excilent father to our one biological son and we raised 7 others together we have only had sex a few times in 13 yrs hence my 11 yr old son my son does wonder why his dad is rageful never has been abusive physically I wud not put up with that and I have learned as long as I let him sleepas much as he wants and just cook clean and do most the work then the rage is almost nonexsiststant but I live a very very lonly exsistance I do evrrythinv alone pray alone go shopping alone everything I am very much a sexual woman but I dont beleive in self masterbation its just me not a hang upnothing I

  18. “How is your married sex life?”
    Dead. <12/year.

    "Is it satisfying?"
    No. It is sad, depressing.

    "Do you wish some things could change?"
    Of course

    "How will you go about inviting God into that area so that He can bring new life?"
    I have prayer for years. I have been teeting on the edge of what I can handle for a few months. I have prayed, prayed, prayed, discussed with my wife (cant help, go find someone else), help around the house, buy presents, buy flowers, everything you could ever wish, and this never translates into sex.
    I am at my wits end; God is my only hope, yet I feel as if my prayers are hitting the roof with no change in my stubborn wife.
    After my latest romantic efforts I feel completely unappreciated and feel like leaving to find someone who is going to appreciate me and meet my sexual needs. I won't of course; but my wife needs a good kick in the behind or wake up call to really that guys NEED sex. I have tried for a long time to think of a wake up call i can pull off but I'm too nice to do anything. I'm hoping God is going to provide this and soon because if He doesn't, I don't think I'll be staying around much longer.
    Oh the "change myself" thing, yes, been there, been through that.

  19. I live in a sexless marriage. Those six words are the hardest thing for a woman to admit. The vast range of emotions that come to the surface when I say that include rage, anger, hurt, bitterness, unwanted, unloved, sadness, hopelessness, ugly…the list goes on.
    What hurts more than anything is the rejection you feel. At first, it stung a little bit when he would tell me no. The more I’d ask, the more he’d say no and the more I’d feel rejected. I couldn’t even begin to understand what was happening. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Was he sleeping with someone else? So many questions flooded my mind. The rejection was so strong that it turned to anger and bitterness. Today, the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl.

    One the surface, it looks like we have a great marriage. It’s all a lie. I often wonder if everyone can see through it. I try not to talk about it because it hurts too much.

    I’ve read countless books and blogs online about sexless marriage. So often I see people say that it’s not abusive and that they are okay in their marriage. It almost comical to me. It’s like people have become so complacent that they don’t see the problems. It’s like the battered wife syndrome…if you ignore it and put enough make up on it, it’ll be okay. It’s never okay to be rejected by the person who took a vow to love, honor & cherish you. Reading your blog, where you so clearly say “our Lord in Heaven desires nothing less for you than a pleasing, fulfilling, exciting, passionate, enjoyable, satisfying, freeing, and pleasurable sex life” brings tears to my eyes.

    It’d be interesting to find out how many Christians, who’ve lived in a sexless marriage, end up getting divorced. Growing up in the church, you are taught that divorce is wrong and that Christians just don’t get divorced unless someone commits adultery. That they go to God, pray about it and work through it. We’ve also been taught that abuse is wrong. So where do we draw the line? I truly believe that living in a truly sexless marriage is emotionally abusive. What this does to a person causes such inner turmoil that damage is almost as bad, if not worse, than having a spouse commit adultery.

    So as a follow up question to your blog, how do you, as a Christian, know when it’s time to walk away? Is it better to stay in a sexless marriage because divorce is so wrong or is it better to move on and rebuild yourself emotionally? Can a marriage be salvaged after so many years of emotional abuse?

    1. Ally, have you come to any conclusions on this. I am struggling with the same questions. I just don’t want to do it any more. I didn’t marry a roommate and if I wanted one I wouldn’t pick my husband I’d pick another woman who would participate in the home and family with. Me

    2. Ally

      I’m not sure how long it’s been since you left this message, but your story is my exact story. I’m struggling and need advice also.

  20. Another way to end up in a sexless marriage is this: after years of communicating to my wife that I needed her to initiate love making on occasion, which was followed up with one or two efforts before resuming old patterns, I simply stopped initiating it myself, as sort of an experiment.

    Sure enough, we have not made love since I began this (over a year now). And when I did initiate it, she would often react by saying “ok, get it over with”, as is I was using her, which of course caused me to lose interest.

    Ironically she seems to enjoy it when we do, but I need someone invested, not just a receiver worth poor manners.

    But I do love her and cannot imagine her surviving very well without someone to be there for her, so do I seek sex elsewhere?

  21. I’m a man in a sexless marriage and I honestly don’t know how long it’s been since we were intimate. I hear God loudly command I stay away from porn and masturbation and do so though at work I’m surrounded by beautiful women who’d be open to an adventure. Several years ago I came with everything on the table if she would just be willing to work on this area in our marriage. I did extreme dieting. I sweated, exercised, and even fasted down to what I weighed when we first met. I dressed so nice I could’ve been on the cover of GQ. Any, all and everything was up for change and was on the negoiation table if she would have worked on our sex life and she refused to even consider it. Finally a few months ago for the first time probably in eight years I guess, when the kids were away at camp one weekend, she agreed. The session lasted some ten minutes and she gave up and walked out of the bedroom. We didn’t even make it intercourse. I am frustrated more than ever and am still willing to change in any way but she refuses to try. Some days I am so depressed I cannot function. Feel free to give any advice or encouragement. In the Lord.

    1. Is there a place for open marriage in such a situation, I mean clearly she doesn’t want that part of the relationship. Polygamy was common in scripture and I sometimes wonder if we really understand the heart of God on this issue. Your life sounds as painful as mine

    2. Curtis, I think you’re suffering from being taken for granted. She risks nothing by continuing like this. It is clear she cares little for your feelings (or at least she chooses not to think about your feelings) and so she sees no reason to change. As she does not want to change for your benefit, it seems she only cares about herself. While you do all these things you’ve been doing, and she does nothing in response, you have discovered her contempt for you. Ultimately, the problem is that she trusts you so much to stick by her through thick and thin, that she doesn’t care how thin it is for you – she has it exactly the way she wants it. You’re hers. Forever. Unconditionally. Inescapeably. And totally celibate. That is NOT Christian love.
      Therefore if you want to raise the stakes, you have to be less accommodating, less “nice” and less reliable. She has to see that it means something to you, because while you put up with the situation, she thinks you’re OK with it. In the end she has to realise that the marriage is at stake. You probably have a choice: put up with a sexless marriage, or be prepared to walk out. This is in your hands. You cannot change her. You can only take action to change your circumstances by showing her that this is unacceptable.
      Then, if you’re successful, if she ever starts to realise that something has to change, you have to get professional help (she probably won’t agree to this until she’s realised that change is necessary). You’ll need to be looking for the causes of the situation: problems don’t go away by themselves, so you need to discover the root cause.
      However, if you’re not successful (i.e. you say that you’ll leave unless she works on the situation), and she still refuses to do anything, then, my friend, you’ll have discovered how far her love for you really goes. Your final choice will be to accept celibacy or leave.
      I’m 75% down that journey myself. This is not easy. But I’m starting to believe it can be done.

      1. If I walk out, she really might file for divorce. I’m a bi-vocational minister. The shame and stigma in the Christian community would be more than I could bear. I’d be out of the ministry and brought to total humiliation; probably everything I worked for would be gone up in smoke. And while it’s sad to say, I know very well that Christian communities/churches are not very forgiving about divorce. About two weeks ago we did have a big argument about sex and I almost did walk out. The next day I felt the Lord tell me to stay. At times my loneliness and pain is more than I can handle and just walk around my neighborhood or my workplace in despair and I can’t function from depression. And I struggle with the temptations to porn and masturbation. In a Christian marriage these shouldn’t even be issues according to I Cor 7.

    3. I would personally leave her, and make it clear in a calm manner why
      id rather be celibate without someone using me as nothing more that a helper for her life and a paycheck. I would get the kids also. Hire a shark divorce attorney. Its important to never poison the well to your children. I suspect that her true motivations whatever they are will come out.

  22. If you look at the animal kingdom you notice that the girls are generally a lot less keen than the males. The females evolutionary biological imperatives are also different from the males. Why would you expect any different from human females ? Once the human female has secured her nest she no longer has any need to “put out” and so, in many cases she doesn’t.
    There is no point beating yourself up about “sexual sin” and what it says in a book composed from the folk myths of some middle eastern shepherds . As the rhyme sung by “God” which goes :
    “There once was a group of shepherds with nothing much to do,
    So they invent me, and i invented you.”

  23. I actually credit porn for keeping me in my marriage and under the same roof as my kids. My married sex life died 15 years ago and despite visits to a number of therapists the problem couldn’t be fixed. Rather than getting a divorce or cheating on my wife by having an affair or paying for sex I masturbate while looking at porn. It isn’t perfect but it is worth being able to live with my kids and be part of a family. Other than the sex my wife and I get along just fine so porn has been an effective and simple solution.

    I have come across many stories like mine online over the years. Men in sexless marriages who use porn as their only sexual outlet rather than seeking sex outside the home. I think porn has perhaps kept as many marriages together, if not more, than it has split them apart.

    1. Big mistake. Watching porn will kill any sex between you and your wife. God see’s all things. When a husband starts to look at other women, God will take your wife away from you. Sexless marriages are ALWAYS the fault of the husband. Your wife will always obey and follow you if you obey and follow God. Watching other women, will automatically force your wife to stay away from you. It’s a built in mechanism God put their. Test it out and see it work.

      1. Really? Chapter and verse buddy, where’s that written then? Jusayin already said it was a sexless marriage, and that’s a sin (1 cor 7). Your turn with evidence. How can turning to porn rather than drugs, prostitutes, affairs and divorce be worse? I actually agree with jusayin; it’s not IDEAL but then living with a wilful sinner who shakes their fist at God and their spouse year in year out, day in, day out..not ideal either. Your argument is illogical; how can a killed sex life, then a subsequent turn to porn, kill a killed sex life?!?

  24. I have been struggling with this issue for several years. I am 46 years old, in my second marriage to a man who has no interest in me sexually. We have huge issues outside of the bedroom and fight a lot. I had even worse struggles inmy first marriage but the sex was great and always helped to anchor us even in the bad times. If drugs and jail didn’t end that marriage then I’d probably still be in it. Now I’m in this marriage and I’m so lonely. There is no way to reconnect after conflict so the chasm between us just grows and grows. I am seriously considering leaving the marriage. We have been in marriage counselling for 3 years. He doesn’t engage it and is rarely able to come now. We have talked extensively about the sex issue. (approx 7 encounters a year) it doesnt make any difference. He is making little or no effort. I lng to be held and touched. I sometimes go three or four days without even a simple touch let alone a kiss. My counsellor asked me the other day if I am coming to counselling to find a way to leave or to find a way to stay. I’m baffled and scared of starting over again. My birth children are grown but we adopted a little boy three years ago and he is only five, I want to do what is right but I also don’t want to live the rest of my life in this misery that is called marriage.

    I cling to Jer. 29:11 but I feel hopeless


    Lost but not forgotten

  25. I can’t believe I searched this subject on the internet. I am not sure what to do its been 4 months now and before then it was 6 months since our last encounter I think before then its is about every 5-6 months. I feel alone, neglected, so tired I am supposed to be at church to night I have just been closed in all day. It is him he is over 45 and has tried Viagra and Levitra and it was okay for a while then he read the side effects and quit taking the meds (he has Low T) and its been a rough road for the last year. I have prayed and prayed I can’t tell anyone because who is there to tell really I don’t want to embaress him. Who do you go to in the church? He was going to try to go to a specialist but I have been out of work since August 2013 and the money is not there he told me he would go in January 2014 so I hung on I am devastated most nights I just turn over and cry to myself I try to block it out all together but I am losing. So I guess I just go on existing

  26. It is sad to read all these responses. But there is also a level of weird comfort knowing it isn’t just my marriage. I’ve been married for 21 years. I’ve been a very good boy all these years but I feel I get more and more jaded, bitter, resentful, angry, and confused as the years go on.

    Before we were married, it was daily. And it appeared as though we both enjoyed it. As soon as she said “i do” it translated into “i don’t”.

    Fast forward 20 years and something has changed. If you are the denier, it *will* introduce toxicity to the relationship. Last year we played a total of four times. I know part of it is me, I typically last much longer than she wants and she is “short” on the inside for me. We’ve gone to the doctor and through an exhaustive testing process the conclusion was to only go in about 60% of the way. Although this was never brought up before the marriage. Of the four times last year…..I faked being finished three of them. I feel my love for her draining away. I’ve tried talking about it and she doesn’t want to.
    We regularly attend a Baptist church and I get a certain amount of strength from that.
    What I don’t understand is how suddenly things have changed for me. I woke up recently as she was getting out of bed and I looked away….. She is no longer beautiful, attractive, sexy, desirable, pretty. I actually looked away instead of seeing he naked body. I’d rather look at the ceiling than see what I’m missing. Maybe it’s a copping mechanism. Another change is that I started counting the years, months, days, and even hours until the kids are 18. I can honestly say now that if we didn’t have kids, there is absolutely no way on God’s earth I would stay with her. The third big change is communication. I don’t feel the interest in discussing *anything* that isn’t directly needed to be discussed.
    This isn’t what marriage is supposed to be. We were out recently with another couple at a local brewery. The discussion at some point went to sex. And I confided in the guy that our’s was a sexless marriage. It was the first time I had told anyone face to face instead of anonymous like on here. My wife flipped out later. Like it was some big secret that we are not supposed to tell anyone.

    If you are the denier, this is where you will end up. You will be introducing toxicity into the relationship. I am so angry and bitter now that I just don’t know what to do. I want it to work, I’ve tried to get us into counseling. She will go every once in a while but as soon as this comes up, she’s done.

    I just feel like the fuel tank light on the dash has just come on and there is only 50 miles left. I don’t know what happens then. I wish I knew what to do to make this work.

    1. I’m in the same boat, but I’m the wife, not the husband. Married 21 years. We had a sexless honeymoon — he wasn’t able to — and didn’t consummate our marriage for 7 years. Yep. You read that right. Later, we found out we were infertile and we are childless as a result. A few years ago, my husband was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes which affects sexual function. So I guess you could safely say we’ve had a lot of trauma in the sexual/reproductive realm. I can’t get my honeymoon back and I live with the Christian stigma — and, yes, it’s stigmatized — of being childless. (Oh, and I was a virgin when we married — and, well, a virgin for 7 years after that.) If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t have saved sex for marriage. I’m considered “beautiful” by the world’s standards, I suppose, or at least I hear that a lot, so it’s not like opportunities didn’t present themselves — or still don’t. I work hard to stay in shape and be attractive to my husband. He says I’m beautiful but does nothing about it. I understand there are some physical issues, but he’s got some Cialis sitting on the counter that he’s never even used. I’m now in the habit of marking on a private calendar the dates we have “sex.” The last time was December 28, 2013. I initiated because I always do, but I’ve made a private pact not to initiate anymore. He’s a decent man and I am fond of him, but, no, there’s no passion and no sex. Sometimes I think about going outside the marriage just to feel desired and attractive, but ….. I don’t. Men still look at me, just not my husband. I’m sorry for all those here in a sexless marriage. I get that it’s a “sin” but it’s easy to throw around the “sin” label when one hasn’t gone through years and years and years of a complicated, traumatic issue. Not only are the sexually rejected among us depressed and grieving; now we’re sinning too. I would simply ask the author to really read the cries of people’s hearts here. Many have prayed for years. Many have endured for years. Many are still waiting for God to come into this “sin” and set them free. We don’t need guilt piled on the depression, rejection, and grief.

      1. Tuesday, I sympathize with the pain you are feeling. I am a man in a mostly sexless marriage and my marriage has been very painful for me. My wife and married in our midlife years. We were unable to have children due to severe endometriosis which required surgery. After that surgery, my wife became numb in her genital area and no longer was open to my advances. When I tried to be intimate, she would cross her arms across her breast as if to protect herself. She never did that prior to the surgery that I remember. That caused problems psychologically for me. No Christian man wants to feel like you are “raping” your wife, and so I stopped making advances. She would help me masturbate to be relieved of sexual tension, but the few times we would try intromission, my erection would relax and I couldn’t continue to have intercourse. If you have not had sexual problems, or you are a Christian counselor and have not lived that hell that is a sexless marriage, I would advise you to be very careful about your words and commands of scripture. When the enemy has robbed your wife of most of her female parts that caused numbness and she no longer physically and then psychologically desires you, yet you want so much to honor God sexually in your marriage it feels like a darkness that cannot be understood unless you’ve gone through it. If you are a Christian counselor or a friend of someone having issues and you have had a normal, healthy sexual relationship with your husband, please be sensitive in how you use scripture when you don’t have any personal experience with what they are going through. Consider yourself very fortunate that God has blessed you with a normal, healthy sex life.

        1. Skyflyer – you are SO right. Insensitive bludgeoning with scripture rarely achieves any positive benefit. In my personal experience I find it only increases a sense of failure, guilt, and shame. Someone who has walked the same journey is the only person who really knows what scriptures are appropriate, and quite possibly knows when not to use even them. Sometimes words just don’t help.

  27. Sadly, I am one of those husbands who is suffering from this. It really is a spouse like this that makes marriage so unappealing, and Satan is the source of all of the misery. The worst type of spouse who does this is one that claims to be a believer, but is just as or even more secular than the world. Thankfully, I have reached a point where my libido is dead even to the point where I consider masturbation a useless waste of time. For anyone in a marriage like this where your spouse is the one making you suffer and does not desire to change, your spouse is not worth fighting for and your marriage is not worth saving. It is better to treat that individual as a loss to be cut. While forgiveness and mercy are important, they are only for those who seek it. If your spouse is the one rejecting you and making excuses to avoid intimacy, that individual is really following the will of Satan and not the will of the Creator. I look forward to the day when I no longer have to call the woman I am married to as my wife.

    1. Hang in there Brother . I know your cause. But you properly have identified the problem – the devil is in her mind. You’ve got to be a man now and battle this demon right out of her. She is an easy target – a woman. No different than Eve in the garden. Start a massive prayer offensive, just like war. So many women are like this nowadays – being deceived just as Eve was in the begining, and now at the end of time. I hate this devil! In the name of Jesus, we will see him destroyed! Do you think Hitler was defeated overnight – no. You will do this and have a complete victory! Smash the crap out of this demon!

  28. my wife and I have not had sex for the past five years since she went through Mena pores and she will not even touch me and relive my frustration I do not know what to do any more can you help I have suggested counselling but she will not what do I do.

  29. I’m divorced now. I could no longer live in a sexless marriage. My ex had no desire to change anything. Unlike other couples, our relationship went sour during the engagement period. I should have known better, but I stuck it out 20 years hoping it would improve.

  30. I agree that a sexless marriage in sinful ! My husband said he will deal with it when the time comes. Married 46 years and only had sex once and intimacy, touching flew out the same door. The sex we did have was on our wedding night and nothing since. He moved to our basement and thats where he’s lived plus he has worked the mid night shift so he wouldn’t have to be home with me. He cares nothing about me and won’t speak to me ever. He just said leave me alone or don’t bother me He has nothing to say to me.

  31. Our sex life stopped 2.5 years ago. After our last sexual encounter, my wife said she does not want to have sex anymore. Being a little shocked, I said nothing and let her have her way, thinking this might be a good idea for a period. Due to her strong expression at the time, I felt afraid to even challenge this concept. I thought O.K. I’ll go along with this.

    One year pasted. I thought this was long enough to see what happened. I still said nothing just going along with it for 2.5 years total. I began to think this is just the way marriage goes – I accepted it – until 1 month ago. The Lord showed me some things that got me thinking different about this. I began to have a stronger sexual desires that I didn’t know what to do about. More importantly, I felt as though my wife needed to be better connected to me – and having sex would be the best solution. So, what was my plan of action, she was still frozen to the sex idea, any mention of it, she threatened to leave me totally. I was in a box I couldn’t get out. I then remember my wedding vows ” In sickness and in health..” .I determined that she had a “Sickness”. Not a physical or mental sickness, no, a spiritual sickness. She had been seduced by the Devil to think having sex with me was wrong. How many times had we ever prayed before we had sex – zero. Did I think the enemy would ever attack us in this area – no. Did I ever set up a spiritual prayer barrier from the enemy in this most power part of our lives – no. I was neglecting a part of my life that never had any prayer applied to it. We were naked to his attack. We were easy and fun targets for the Devil to come into. What better king of marriage to come against – a Christian one. Nice and juicy for the Devil and his Demons.

    So here was my plan. Start to apply a prayer offensive so massive and apply constant pressure to the enemy in this area. I have made up physical signs stating what I want – “My penis in my wife’s vagina” – sounds strong, but it’s clear and without misunderstanding. I have also made up other signs. I have 2 versions- an at home one, and a mobile one I keep in my pocket where ever I go. I also have taken a piece of my wife’s clothing and hold it as I pray (As Paul did with prayer cloths) I am using pure Biblical methods – most may think it sounds silly, but it’s actually quite Biblical.

    So I have been doing this for 3 weeks now – some days I get frustrated with no forward progress, but the Lord keeps reminding me ” Apply Spiritual principles and you’ll succeed” So this is what I’m doing. I feel as though it may take a bit to totally break the forces that have crippled her, but I’m up for the fight. Also, the Lord told me, that I should be praying for my wife’s body parts to be able to handle the new sex that is coming ( She’s 47 – and in good shape). I now am actually praying that those body parts will be fit and actually better than original. The Lord told me it is very important for a Husband to not look at any other woman, and to always produce a positive image of our wife’s body in my mind.

    I will get this miracle and have a wonderful but possible secret praise report ( due to the sensitive topic). I believe the Lord is returning soon, but my connection with my wife must first be right, so I believe things are going to happening fast. She doesn’t even know what is about to happen. She thinks we will remain as is – forever, Boy is she in for a surprise when all of a sudden she will have such a desire to be with me, she’ll be “Love sick”. It’s coming!
    In Jesus name – I’m taken my marriage back from a demonic high jacking.

    1. Pray works. After 2.5 years of no sex, God has heard my prayers and my wife now has regular sex with me! It took 2 months of straight, violent prayer to break thru this demon of sexless marriage, but it has happened! We are having the best sex ever! Prayer works! I’ve even stepped up my prayer on this matter to go to places we have never been before. A wife is suppost to give her husband good regular sex. This is one of her main purposes for being created. Don’t let any feminist devil spirit tell you different. If your wife is not giving you regular sex (once a week), then she is being influenced by the devil! Yes it’s true. So to all you husbands out there who are up against this fight, keep pursuing your wife and keep the prayers flowing. She will eventually fall and be back in the bed – better than before!
      Just a note, women don’t understand sex. They only understand being “desired”. They don’t like to plan to have sex, they must be “overcome” or seduced to have sex. So often today we get this mixed up with “Romance”. Romance is just another word for seducing a woman – your wife. Spend 1 hour in prayer on this daily. Tell your wife how great her ass looks, and don’t stop until this thing is broke. Your wife needs you to prevail. She needs sex to operate properly. She was designed by God to have a lot of sex! Don’t be tricked. Make it happen with God! In Jesus name this post will save 100 marriages by this testimony.

  32. I’m sorry, but this actually makes me feel sick.

    Firstly, it appears that to the fundamentalist Christian that sex and lust are a sin, and now no sex is a sin.. it would be good for you to make up your mind so we can maybe try to understand you but you’re certainly not making it easy for yourself.

    Secondly, sex is not a necessity. Just because one does not desire sex, does not mean one cannot love deeply with all their heart. Infact, sometimes sex isn’t even connected to love at all.. so why is it so difficult a concept to grasp that love can exist without sex?

    And, according to the bible, isn’t the love for our brothers and sisters of humanity the greatest of all? ‘love one another, as I have loved you’ and ‘they’re can be no greater act of love as to lay down your life for a friend’

    A beautiful loving relationship between 2 people does NOT REQUIRE SEX. and how is it loving your partner to EXPECT sex from them? Can you not get your physical gratification in other ways and see the beautiful, kind and special person you share your life with beyond your need for physical pleasure to and from him/her?

    In addition, asexuality in humans is a very real phenomenon which you should do your research on. Some people are just not interested in sex, they do not derive any pleasure from it nor associate it with love. Some people prefer the more spiritual aspects of a relationship, and to them, it trumps over the physical, always.

    1. All marriages should be sexual. Anything otherwise is demonic. Yes, we have many non-sexual relationships, just not in marriage. The devil would try to make all marriages non-sexual, and all other illegal relationships sexual. SO, if you are not a sexual person, don’t get married. It’s the truth.

      A marriage relationship is very unique. Sex is the cornerstone of this relationship. Without it, men would never pursue women. Men can have a better time with their buddies. You remove sex from marriage and you get a perverted thing that God hates. How do you think children are made – by holding hands? All men should take a leadership role in this and pursue their wives until they submit. Woman love to be sought after and eventually taken. It’s built into them. Men who complain that their wives don’t initiate sex are wimps. Wives should never initiate sex. This is a leadership role of the man. The man should pursue the woman, then she will yield to him. Doing housework, and cleaning up the house and helping out, won’t get you there. It will just frustrate you. A man must pursue his wife in writing love letters, touching her, chasing her, romantic things. Last I checked, doing housework was very unromantic. This coupled with prayer will make his wife have sex. And she will like it. Woman don’t want sex, they want their husbands to want THEM, then they will submit to sex. To tell your wife, “let’s have sex.” – she will not understand. Women must be seduced to have sex. But chase her and pursue her, and seduce her, then she will have sex every time. It’s fact. I pray all men who read this post will begin to prayer for sex and write love letters to their wives.

      1. You say, without sex, a man would never pursue a women. So in summary, You are implying that women in marriage are only good for sex. Hell, it implies that women themselves are only good for sex. Nevermind mutual respect, care and concern, honesty and love in a marriage. As long you get sex in marriage, you’re happy? oh sorry it’s what makes God happy- for women to submit to sex in marriage, whenever the man desires it from her.

        Do you actually think about what you say and the moral implications, or only that you’re convinced that your wife who won’t give you sex is possessed by the devil, because she won’t submit her body to you? This is actually called disrespect, and perhaps if you don’t care to speak to or understand the wants and needs of the wife from her perspective, a large hint of arrogance and selfishness. I think this is very much encapsulated in the statement: ‘Woman don’t want sex, they want their husbands to want THEM, then they will submit to sex.’ You even acknowledge that the women may not want sex.. but lets try and force her anyway!

        ‘men should pursue their wives until they submit’ you are also implying the potential acceptance here of abuse, force and even rape. I’m sorry, but this is completely unacceptable in any circumstance.

        I’m sorry, but I do not believe that god intended marriage to be a place where the wife must submit to the husband even against her own desires. And to further say the devil is in her, to only further the devils own cause within yourself. Have some respect for someone who you confessed to love for eternity and who will be your lifelong companion and maybe talk to her about her own throughts and desires, it’s not all about you.

    2. You are obviously not a regular man or woman. Yes, we love brothers and sisters and share God’s love with them but that is agape love. In marriage God means for their to be love expressed sexually. While I can think of a lot of callous things to say right now, let me just say, you need to think this through once again, and while you’re at it read I Corinthians Chap 7. As a believer, if you are single the Bible teaches that you cannot say yes to sexual activity; before you are married; with a couple of exceptions, you can not say no to your spouse sexually after marriage. There is certainly room for compassion when someone, either the husband or wife is too tired, too busy, etc. but there is also a lot of room for taking up your cross and going the extra mile and following Christ and loving your spouse. Otherwise it is cruel beyond cruel to leave them suffering for something that only you can give, and in God’s eyes you are the only person on the planet that can give it to them without sin. And if meeting their needs sexually is too much to ask, maybe you should never have said, “I do” to begin with.

      1. Curtis, infact in response to both of you, I do not wish to sound harsh, however the way in which you speak is potentially hurtful and disrespectful. I respect your Christian views but they need to be met with wider considerations.. People, the way we treat eachother is important, care, respect and concern for one another and I would have thought especially in a marriage, the love and mutual respect is recognised most fully. What of the concerns of the desires of the wife, not just the husband? Perhaps the women does not feel comfortable with her body etc and should in no way be her ‘duty’ to submit. Instead highlighting the importance of what he wants above all else, can he not perhaps discuss the concerns of the wife as have significant worth and importance equal to his own?

        There are many sincere reasons a women may not wish to have sex that have nothing to do with loack of feeling towards their husband, if that is what they fear is the case. To suggest however, that she MUST have sex to fulfill some sanctity or expectation.. think about it, does that seem morally right? denying someone else sex, even it is from your spouse, is NOT a sin. It’s called I have the right to control what happens to my body right now, if I’m not feeling comfortable with this, for whatever reason, I have the right to say no. Howabout talking with them rather than trying to force them to do something they’re not comfortable with?

        And I also wish//pray you would refrain from using the devil to explain other peoples behaviour and god to explain your own, especially when the outcome serves yourself. I’ve found it always works best when you look for God and the angels in others, while aiming to overcome the dark in yourself.

        1. No man has truly sought after you. If he did, you would not say what you are saying. What you are saying has no place in a marriage relationship, sounds more like a grandmother with her grandchildren. A woman must feel beautiful and pretty. It’s the job of the husband to make her feel that way. IF she doesn’t want sex, that’s because she doesn’t feel pretty or desirable. Her husband must make her feel this. Only a man can bring this out in a woman. A marriage relationship is work. It requires constant maintainance. Just as a man will fix a leaky faucet, so he must maintain his wife’s feeling of being wanted. This is the job of the man. He must continually uphold the confidence of his wife in this area. She needs him to encourage her and make her feel loved. Woman stop having sex once they feel unloved and undesirable. She needs to feel loved. Early in their relationship they will be sexual, then later they stop, because their husband has stop his pursuit of her. Woman naturally don’t want too have sex, they must be persuaded. Ask a man to have sex, he will say yes. Ask a woman to have sex, she will say no. This is the built in safety mechanism that God has made. A woman , must be seduced into having sex. No matter if it’s with her husband or a stranger.
          Woman get confused, when they are not pursued and are asked to have sex. It’s very unnatural to them. Many husbands try to skip the step of pursuit – because it takes work. Sex is work. But like all work, it will return it’s benefit. This mechanism, is beneficial, as it prevents other men from easily having sex with your wife. I know all this sounds vey upfront, but it’s the only way to explain it in this forum. If your marriage is sexless. First spent a few weeks laying down prayer on this. You must first get the Lord to re-open the door. Then start to apply the method of pursuit. Again, keep applying prayer to your marriage. This method is proven to work. Also, men stop looking at other women. God see’s all, looking at other woman and thinking about them, God will not honor your marriage and your wife will not be sexual.
          Just do it.
          Write your wife a love letter.

        2. I gather you’re not a Christian. First, let me say I never mentioned the devil; either you or someone else did or you are confusing me with someone else. If a married woman doesn’t feel comfortable with her body for some reason, well she should seek help and prayer and the long term goal is to feel comfortable being sexual with her husband on a regular basis. And like I said there is plenty of room to show compassion and understanding if someone is too tired or overworked, etc. This should obviously be dealt with before marriage or soon thereafter. And like you mentioned there is room for serious adult conversation in this area too.

          You state: “I have the right to control what happens to my body right now, if I’m not feeling comfortable with this, for whatever reason, I have the right to say no.” You should keep in mind that in God’s eyes when you are married you are not you any more. You are you and your spouse. In Genesis God says they are one. God also claims the human body, both for men and women. God is indeed highly interested in what we do with our bodies and he labels some things as sins. “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (I Corinthians 6: 19, 20) That includes sexual immorality and what you worship. Beginning in the next few verses the Lord explains the obligation that husbands and wives have to each other. “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (I Corinthians 7: 3-5) So, yes, the Lord instructs us in His Word that husbands and wives have an obligation to meet each other’s needs. If on a particular night the husband or wife is too tired for some reason and they feel they can’t do it, schedule an appointment for a few days later. Marriage is not only sex but it certainly a part of it. And any one is very foolish to deny that or try to separate it. It is also not sex alone that will make a spouse happy, but it will certainly be a part of it; moreover, there are other things that any husband or wife will need to work on in addition to sex to make their spouse happy and fulfilled. There are lots of other things I do as a husband when I don’t particularly feel like it like such as handling the bills; figuring taxes; repairing something broken in the house; seeing to it that the car is repaired and working; chopping the wood; and the ever present laundry, dirty dishes and trash to be carried out. And I’m the sole breadwinner and I have a full-time job to boot. And at times people will even need to make love with their spouse even when they don’t feel like it. Peace.

        3. Jacqui:

          Please do not read me as harsh and legalistic. I do not intend to be or sound that way. If I hurt you in any way, I apologize. Perhaps we can continue a correspondence. God Bless, and have a nice day.


    3. Now there is someone who “gets it” and understands what so many don’t! You do not have to have sexual intercourse in marriage to love your spouse dearly. I would love to have regular sexual intercourse as we used to, but I don’t love her any less than the day I married her.

      1. I just masturbate and don’t give her any money now lol. Been about 11 years and WOW, like some poor people above, it was actually the wedding! As soon as the vows were done, thar she blows, and blew me off too. One must say to themselves; what a coincidence it was directly after the wedding. Unfortunately this is disingenuous behaviour, as the odds of a medical condition happening the day after getting married for myself and a host of people above are a little prohibitive? lol.

        So what is required of me from a flatmate? I make a determined attempt now to remind myself of this. If I make a gentleman’s agreement with you and I do not live up to my part, if I welch on my bet, would I expect you to hold faithful to your side?

    4. You are making false equivocations to the types of love. Marriage is a bond specifically different from all other forms of human relationships. Sex being the defining characteristic. You say its the fault of the partner that wants to have sex with their wife or husband.
      Furthermore that expecting sex is an unhealthy, or wrong thing to do. That is ridiculous of course married individuals should expect sex ( barring a medical problem) from one another. If no sex is what one party is dedicated to before the nuptials. Or false pretenses were made on behalf of the disinterested party or allowed to be believed by the partner in the forthcoming marriage. This even in the eyes of the courts would be considered fraud. Sex is just one part of a marriage. But it is the only defining characteristic that in God’s word is outlined and set apart from all of the other acts of appreciation or devotion. In addition you clearly ignorant of fundamentalist view points on sex. In example of sex = sin, the reason you decided to commen on this page confounds me. In additional if a person is asexual ( which I agree is a real phenomenon ) then this must be disclosed upfront to the other partner if it id not then it is an unreasonable request done afterward.
      In addition Jacqui why would these comments make you be sick to your stomach?
      Sounds like you subscribe to a feminized non biblical view of sex between a Man and Woman. Not that you will read this post but if you do please clarify. Thanks.

  33. To love or be in love and to be married is great. To want to have sex is great. But to say that , “A sexless marriage is a sin. And, it seems, many of us are sinning.” is irresponsible and just wrong. Christians have enough guilt hung on them, there is no need to make up anymore sins. If a person is in love their spouse and that spouse returns that love then there should be a understanding both ways. I am sure that the person who is just not into sex within marriage has enough things to worry about. Adding this as a sin only makes it worse.

    1. Here is the problem with not holding someone accountable for deprivation of sex, whether willful or due to health issues. Those doing the depriving are not loving their neighbors as themselves. There is absolutely no excuse to deprive a spouse of sex, especially since 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 illustrates that once married, your body is the property of your spouse for his or her benefit, blessing and use. Too many men and women fail to make the transition to husbands and wives, thinking they don’t have to make the transition.

      Granted, there are medical situations such as impotence for men and weak pelvic floors and vaginal dryness for women, and this is where patience is tested. However, many simply accept this and never make the effort to fix the problem and then expect the other to just accept it as well. It is pure selfishness on the part of the person who has the issue to remain as they are. Just as a mechanical problem will lead to other problems in a car, deprivation due to willfully not fix a problem will lead to bigger problems in a marriage. Does a spiritually sensitive person just accept that they will go to the lake of fire when he or she sins after redemption or does he or she seek the remedy by repenting? The same is true for those who are depriving a spouse due to personal medical issues.

      So in reality, it is a sin on the part of the one experiencing the medical issues to not seek the remedies needed to return to a loving and sexual relationship with the spouse, because he or she, whether ignorantly or knowledgeably, yielded their body to their spouse. It is high time that people stop making excuses and start doing what is necessary to both not expand the problem due to selfishness and seek to fix the issues at hand. Let’s use this analogy. Would you ignore a baby who is crying due to need for affection, hunger or a dirty diaper?

    2. Paul, I appreciate your view. And I think you are right, and I think it is important to use scripture within context. There was blatant immorality in Corinth at that time and remember most of the believers were new in Christ. They were exposed to things that would cause any man to be tempted and Paul was just addressing this. Saying that they should have sex frequently due to temptations is not to command the reverse to say that not having a sexual relationship is sinful, unless of course it leads to sexual fulfillment outside of marriage.

  34. Unfortunately, Paul, I think some people are just too far gone to reason with. If you ever feel you have the right to own another person to the extent that their body is your property then you really need to wake up to yourself. A person is not morally responsible to give sex to anyone no matter what the circumstance. If anything in this world is a sin, it’s taking away the free will of another for your own ends. I don’t care if you’re married or not, it’s basic human respect and if anything, should be epitomised in a marriage setting.

    1. Actually, Jacqui, according to the Creator, the wife belongs to or is the property of the husband. He has a duty to be fruitful and multiply and she has a duty to be the means for his obedience. When you are an individual, you don’t have the right to engage in sex at any time since it was never designed for being outside of a marriage union between a husband and his wife. Your sentiments are actually satanic in nature because you are putting your own will as superior over the Creator’s will by saying “A person is not morally responsible to give sex to anyone no matter what the circumstance.” Everything we do as believers is to honor and glorify the Creator, and sex in marriage is the highest way a husband and wife can honor and glorify the Creator because through the act they create, maintain and strengthen the bond with each other as well as the husband plants while the wife waters and the Creator gives the increase when He determines it is time for them to produce offspring. In short, you are both morally and Biblically responsible to render due benevolence to your spouse or else you are being rebellious and disobedient against the Creator or not loving Him with all your heart, soul, mind and strength while not loving your neighbor as yourself, thus transgressing the greatest two commandments.

      1. David it total right. Woman like Jacgui have been born into a feminist anti God culture. I’m sure her intentions are good, just not God’s intentions. Women today need a re-education about life. How many young girls are being taught to be a wife and mother – none. They are taught to be sport players and business people. They are taught to be just like men. As a result 90% of divorces are pushed through by women. The deception on women is just like it was in the garden of Eden. Women love to get married, but they love divorce more. I know personally 7 different marriages that ended in divorce, all initiated and pushed through by the wife. That’s not a trend, that’s a disaster!
        Only strong Christian men in prayer will break this last days demon. If you are a married woman, you can bet your bottom, you are targeted by the devil to hate your husband. Only a praying husband can stop this kind of demonic influence.

        1. The funny thing about all this is you think I am anti-God. I don’t think the problem here is who is and isn’t against God, but how we are defining God. I see God as the voice of love (does the bible not say ‘God is love?’), beauty, hope, all that is good in the world. Now forgive me then, if I do not see forcing someone who is clearly unhappy to be married against their will as good.

          Secondly, I do not believe in the idea of sin. I believe there are actions with consequences that hurt one another, and actions that result in uplifting one another. I believe God wants us to choose actions that uplift one another. I don’t believe in punishments, only consequences. and I believe God shares in the pain of those consequences, feeling the pains and joy of humanity as his own.

          I do not believe in the devil in a literal sense, to me it is symbolic concept that represents the absence of God, or sometimes the inability to see God in a situation.

          In addition, I’ve come to realise that everything we think we know about the world is a creation and collection of concepts in our minds. The reality and beauty of the universe is so much bigger than that. You may think God has ordained your views, but I ask you, what if there’s more beyond your own limited scope? in afew years time, your views may change as you experience more and more of this existence.. it’s because YOU are creating them from the limited scope of your current experience. There is so so much more than what your eyes are seeing now.

          God is beautiful beyond your current concepts and imaginings, and your views are really not doing him (or however you may choose to refer to God) justice.

          It actually killed me a little inside when you said ‘I’m sure her intentions are good, just not God’s intentions.’ Do you not believe then, that gods intentions are good? In saying that, you are suggesting that you are willing to support causes that you believe are ‘not good.’ ?

          Also, is that really the belief you want to bring to an already suffering world, that god is out to get them,?instead of being the source of relief for the pain yourself, you want to advocate god as part of its continuance? Go ahead, just don’t judge me as a ‘god hater’ for wanting to relieve the worlds suffering rather than make it worse.

          So no, I certainly do not believe I am targetted by the devil. Nor do I believe that a wife who doesn’t desire sex is possessed by the devil. Hell, I don’t even believe you’re targetted by the devil, even though I could easily say I believe so. I believe God loves all enough for them, women or man, to become businessman, sportsman or whatever they hell want if it brings them happiness, joy and love to the world. Don’t think we need more of that, rather than more judgement and guilt imposed upon eachother?

          I don’t think I have any more to say. I am done with this. I pray for your wives, for any pain you may be experiencing, and that your heart will be filled with love, rather than judgement.

          1. Jacgui, your concept of God is incomplete. To fully understand him, he is love, but also judge. As we start our walk with God, he is more love than judge, just like a parent is with a new baby. As we grow older and closer to him, we see his hand of judge increase. For our better, He expects more from us. He expects our obedience more. If we choose not to obey his will, we will be corrected by Him. This is very Biblical. To understand this in a real practical way is necessary if we are to please God. Our purpose is to please God. To obey pleases him. Try to see all the things out there as to what pleases God and what doesn’t. All this talk about wives, there is a set order God has made to how a husband and wife should operate. If that is not correct, God is not pleased. Woman today have it very difficult, because they are taught to be like men. In the end it displeases God. Search the Bible and find these answers. AS for the Devil. You bet he’s real. I know, I’ve dealt with him personally. You may not see him with your eyes, but he’s more real than you or I. But we have power of him in the name of Jesus. A person committed to pleasing God, walking in the power of the name of Jesus, will defeat the devil every time. My prayer is that we all obey God and be under the name of Jesus.

          2. Let me paraphrase for her
            ” I want a God that fits with my views, wants, and needs, regardless if the God I claim to believe in is real!”
            “The Bible is a old book, and pretty much as useful to me as
            a cassette tape. It worked for people back then, but it doesn’t work for people as enlightened as me” ” I will pick and choose from the Judaeo-Christian tradition of morality and beliefs and throw away anything that doesn’t let me be my own God”

            Did I some that up?

  35. Pray works. After 2.5 years of no sex, God has heard my prayers and my wife now has regular sex with me! It took 2 months of straight, violent prayer to break thru this demon of sexless marriage, but it has happened! We are having the best sex ever! Prayer works! I’ve even stepped up my prayer on this matter to go to places we have never been before. A wife is suppost to give her husband good regular sex. This is one of her main purposes for being created. Don’t let any feminist devil spirit tell you different. If your wife is not giving you regular sex (once a week), then she is being influenced by the devil! Yes it’s true. So to all you husbands out there who are up against this fight, keep pursuing your wife and keep the prayers flowing. She will eventually fall and be back in the bed – better than before!
    Just a note, women don’t understand sex. They only understand being “desired”. They don’t like to plan to have sex, they must be “overcome” or seduced to have sex. So often today we get this mixed up with “Romance”. Romance is just another word for seducing a woman – your wife. Spend 1 hour in prayer on this daily. Tell your wife how great her ass looks, and don’t stop until this thing is broke. Your wife needs you to prevail. She needs sex to operate properly. She was designed by God to have a lot of sex! Don’t be tricked. Make it happen with God! In Jesus name this post will save 100 marriages by this testimony.

  36. Hello i am a man who is worried maybe i ask oroffer my intimacy to often but i worry because maybe 1 every month or 2 we have sex now. I know there are 2 sides to each story so here is my wifes she was pregnant and it has been 6 almost 7 weeks since the birth of our son. Is it wrong to want to be intimate with her right now. I just worry will she refuse me later on aswell? Then i think back and when she did give in she seemed reluctant to as if it were a chore. We are still a young couple both under 22 and married for 2 years almost. Am i just a bad husband for wanting the pleasure for us both. Or is it maybe i dont know how to make it into a gift like god intends it to be. Please i just neeb to understand.

    1. Biblically, the separation time due to the birth of a son is 7 days and of a daughter is 14 days. If your wife is depriving you of sex, there is a psychological and/or emotional issue. If she isn’t a believer in the Creator according to the Bible, then I can’t really advise you on how to handle the situation. If she is a believer, she is in error in a number of areas including 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 since she yielded authority over her body to you and you to her. This is the problem with many men and women who considers sex as an accessory rather than the physical foundation of a marriage that is used to maintain and increase the strength of the bond between the husband and his wife. In other words, consider the marriage like a water dam and any stress causes cracks. If you do not maintain the condition of the dam, those cracks get bigger and eventually the dam breaks. You can imagine the damage and consequences for this happening.

      My advice to you is make sure you are in honor at all times and get intervention if your wife is not a believer. If your wife is a believer, she is not loving her neighbor as herself and runs the risk of forfeiting access to the city that will descend from the new heaven on the new earth.

      1. A sexless wife is a rebellious wife. If your wife is not having sex with you, she has been influenced by the devil to do so! Sex for women is submission to their husbands, A wife who is not having sex with her husband will invite all manner of demonic spirits, like fighting, talking back, disrespect, independence, ect.. you name it, into her life and yours. This lack of sex is an indication that your wife needs prayer – strong prayer. Do not let this linger in her! If you have allowed her to stay in this sexless state, you will need some serious prayer for possibly a couple of months to break it. Oh, the enemy will put all kinds of “excuses” into her mind – like, “I’m tired”, health issues, emotional issues, “I don’t love you”.. blah, blah, blah… it’s just ways to get YOU to submit to the devils authority. If your wife is not having sex with you, you have been stolen from! The devil has stolen a precious thing of yours and you are allowing him to keep it. What if someone came into your home and took your TV away just when you were watching your favorite show? Would you allow him to do so – NO! Take your wife back! She is yours- in all areas! It’s not my way, it’s GOD’s way! A sexless wife has lost her way and needs her husband to help her find her way back home. Remember, she is the weaker vessel in all areas – mentally, emotional and physically. She needs you to guide her back to her proper spot – in your bed.

  37. Wow Dave I must say you have a lot of insight and I was touched even though you weren’t replying to me. I am in a lot of pain now because of the sexlessness in my marriage and boy does it smart! At times I have been very strong and at times I have fallen and getting back on the spiritual bandwagon is tough. I am trying to do things the Lord’s way.

    1. There is such a last days deception upon women today. This whole sex thing should be a “no issue”. Women have been so deceived into staying away from their husbands. This is a major spiritual battle that has gone unfaught by men in the spirit for years. Husbands must start today a strong prayer effort against this ungodly spirit that is attacking our women. I blame mostly the men for not keeping up a spiritual hedge around their wives, but prayer will turn this around. Believe it or not, in the “old” days, it was women who were begging their husbands for physical affection – not the way it is today. Even watch some of the old TV shows and see how the woman acted. Men need to start a strong prayer life in this area and watch your wives jump into bed! I know it works, because it worked for me. My wife had made a “decision” for both of us that we weren’t going to have sex anymore. Silly me just went along with it – because I was too afraid of starting fights – then after 2.5 years, the Lord showed me that the devil high-jacked my marriage, and that I was to pray strong against it. A sexless wife is a curse and a demonic stronghold that needs to be broken – but it can only be broken in the spirit. Talking about it will get you no where, but prayer will get her to have sex. My cold wife is now wearing sexy costumes at sex times! I plan on having sex with her this Friday and she’ll love it! It works, and God is for you 100%!

  38. Its interesting as I read the comments that have come in. The idea that things have flipped, and women used to beg their husbands for sex stands out. The last TV show I remember having that dichotomy was “Married With Children.” Sex in our society has been associated with violence in its every context. Society has made sex out to either be kinky or violent. This is not as God intended. Its also hard for Christian men to deal with. They have taken divorce off the table, and thus don’t have a credible threat to fight with. I would warn any man that is in a sexless marriage, that it is unlikely that your wife has taken divorce off the table, and you need to prepare for it coming. A wife who is not willing to experience sexual pleasure with her husband is not likely to value the marriage vows enough to keep them. Sadly, my experience also says that a woman who is not having sex with her husband is likely having sex somewhere else or playing with the idea. I know that is not always the case, but it was for me and most guys I know who later got hit with divorce papers as their wives had deteriorated their bonds with them over the year. The only legitimate excuse for not partaking in the physical aspects of marriage is some sickness or ailment that makes it impossible or painful/uncomfortable.

  39. I am officially divorced as of today, 10/16/2014. Just like what another comment says, divorce is not off of the table for women. As the Bible says, when an unbeliever wants to leave, we are called to peace. The moment the wife, or the husband, files for divorce, that individual has abandoned his or her status as a believer because he or she has petitioned Satan’s system to put asunder what the Creator has united. It is just as there is no such thing as a law abiding citizen who commits crime with a gun. The moment you choose to commit the crime, you are no longer law abiding regardless of how close or far the decision is to the act.

    The main problem with women who deprive their respective husbands of sex is that it is demonic in nature, which is the nature of the feminist movement. There is a theory in Jewish theology that says the first wife of Adam was named Lilith that was first unwilling to submit to Adam for being created as he was, from the dust of the earth, and then became a demon. This may be synonymous with a spirit known as Jezebel. The feminist movement gives the woman a sense of power and equality, something that has never existed in any relationship from the perspective of the Bible. The Messiah always considered the Father in Heaven to be greater than Himself. A wife is higher than her children. A husband is higher than his wife and his children.

    Going forward I plan to initiate a method of testing to determine whether or not someone is ready for marriage. This involves getting the other’s understanding of the following facets of marriage including:
    For example, if the spiritual facet is not based solely on the Bible and this excludes any contradictions within religion and theology, then the other would not be a proper match for me. Another example, if the emotional facet is not answered with something exactly or similar to where the other is emotionally secure and has no need for a relationship, but desires to fulfill the will of the Father in Heaven according to His instructions, then the other would not be a proper match for me. The sexual facet will be the most difficult because the other would need to seek deliverance if the other ever used sex as a bargaining chip or method to manipulate. For me, if the other desires to fulfill the will of the Father in Heaven as often as possible with the exceptions of during menstruation, recovery from childbirth, when either or both are ill, or by mutual consent for the purpose of fasting and prayer, then we would be equal in this area. The more often the better. In fact, one of the earliest mentions of the gospel is actually in Genesis 2:24 and related to the word flesh. You won’t see it in English, but you will see it in Hebrew. Flesh represents basar, which is H1320. However, you have to go a step deeper to H1319 and you will discover the words good news in its description. If you think about it, it relates perfectly with the parable of the sower. The husband sows seed into his wife, and if her ground is good, she will receive it and fruit will be produced. Sorry for the sidetrack, but that happens a lot when I start relating things.

    So my advice for each person who is still married is examine your own hearts and try to define the above facets of marriage according to the Scriptures rather than religion and theology. Once you understand them, then try to have your spouse define them in like manner. Since a woman is more driven towards emotion, once she feels all hope is lost and desires to leave, it may be best to let her go since the apostle Paul illustrates that a believer is not under such bondage. Remember, a believer loses that status once he or she regresses to the behavior of an unbeliever, which is why repentance is necessary to regain that status.

    On another side note, does a believer have to accept back an ex-spouse? Once a marriage is destroyed, it cannot be reconciled. A new one has to be established. Think of what the Messiah did to enable the house of Israel to reconcile with Him, which is that He died and shed His blood to pay for their sins. There is one absolute condition that must be met, which is she never marries another man prior to returning. The other condition is that you must willingly accept her back. I personally would not trust my ex-wife back in my life regardless of a complete repentance and even if she won the lottery and was willing to give me every cent of the winnings, even if she never married another man. I would tell her to use this as a lesson to not destroy another marriage or family and that she can use that money to help those in need. Could this be considered as unforgiveness? That is one perspective, but another perspective is not being fooled more than once by the same person. Besides, I gave her a final opportunity to change just before the divorce case by asking her if she was sure she wanted to go through with the divorce. I’m not saying this is correct or incorrect, but rather that all relationships are based on choice, and my ex-wife is someone I choose to never trust.

    1. Great post David. It’s so very good to see you brought up the elephants in the room and the feminist movement. I’ve been in the church on and off for forty years, I was born in it. There are 3 main taboo subjects, what I like to call the forbidden verses;
      1. Marriage, divorce and remarriage
      2. 1 Cor 7
      3. The head covering

      Common themes here. As a note I want us to be aware of the statistics, at least in the U.S, of divorce initiators; any sample size of a room filled with 10 divorcees, 8 of the 10 filings were made by..well the female. Don’t feel alone.

      1 Cor ; quite simply never preached on. We all make a living somehow, and preachers make good money preaching, but risk loss of support teaching on contentious issues (and I’m sure many have to go home after worship and face a passive-aggressive ‘not tonight dear, I have a headache’)

      The Headcovering; well, simply ignored

      I notice a common theme here lol, and perhaps a common demograph driving it? Thank you David, God bless too

  40. Thank you for your insight. I wasn’t aware of the part about what you mentioned about the Hebrew regarding the gospel and the act. You’ve been very helpful, all who commented. There will have to be serious prayer and action, the.

  41. I have seen the recent comments that have a wife who for some reason is physically unable to have pleasurable sex. This is not the norm for a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage typically is a refusal to have sex by the wife or more rarely the husband, and often comes with demands to the other partner for things to get sex. Healthy relationships don’t use sex as a bargaining tool to get what one partner wants from the other. A loving partner will not leave a marriage because the other one cannot have sex or sex is somehow painful. This is dramatically different than refusing to have sex with your partner. As the commentor says, they have found other ways to be physically intimate, and in a loving relationship the partner who cannot have sex for whatever reason will find a way to remain physically intimate with the other person in some way. I will not budge from the position that physical intimacy is needed for a marital relationship to sustain itself, even if sexual intercourse is off the table for legitimate reasons.

  42. mind will not accept sex at this time for last 3 years. I have no clue why this happened and cannot afford doctor. Am unemployed in debt worse in my life too old to count and call suicide hot every week. Maybe someone can explain this or can some day make sense of it.Iam damned by God continuing in this sinful depression. thank you all.

  43. I agree that a sexless marriage is extremely painful, for both the husband and the wife. It is indeed a vital part of a unique covenant and reflects the holy worship we render ONLY unto God. However, it is not a SIN to have a sexless marriage. People always quote 1 Corinthians 7 as a basis for trying to control in the bedroom. Should sex ever be used as a power play? Absolutely not… no matter which side of the play one is on! Look at verses:

    “Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 BUT THIS I SAY BY WAY OF CONCESSION, NOT OF COMMAND.” 1 Corinthians 7:1-6 (Emphasis mine).

    Clearly, it says this is NOT a command.

    There are many reasons why a marriage might end up sexless. Personally, I believe it to be a tragedy – but not sin. What led up to a sexless marriage might very well be sin, though (physical disabilities excluded, of course). Selfishness is sin. However, the one doing the denying is not always the selfish one. One should not have to expect to be constantly devalued in a marriage and still have to “put out.” That would be sexual abuse, and the Father never gives either spouse license to abuse the other in any way.

    It takes two to have a relationship. BOTH parties need to work diligently on issues past and present (mentally, physically, and emotionally) to clear the way for BOTH parties to experience the joy the Father God intended in the sexual union in marriage. Doing that, in spite of the difficulties of facing the pain of those issues communicates love and value to each other and the special spiritual, emotional and physical relationship you ONLY have with your spouse.

    Pornography is not a righteous solution. It supports the sex trafficking trade and promotes the abuse of women and children… men, too… but mostly women and children. Additionally, Jesus was very clear that even looking on another in lust is adultery and thus, sin. He was speaking to the men about women, but the concept applies to both genders.

    Matthew 27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; 28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

    We need to stop heaping condemnation on one another and pursue the Holy Spirit’s guidance as to the root of the problem. After all, He is our Comforter and one of His roles is to guide us into all truth. (John 16:13)

    1. Your quote is incomplete. The concession Paul mentions is referring to what he said in the next verse, namely that he thought it best for everyone to be single. In other versions Paul says”the following” and it is clearer.

  44. I have yet to read where the husband refuses the wife. Well, here it is. Try being pretty enough to still turn heads at 57 and your husband would rather watch sports or run an errand. And no, there is no affair; he is just not interested in sex. He is a good provider financially. The heartbreaker here for me is that the intimacy is non-existent yet I don’t want to end the marriage over it. He won’t get help for it, otherwise that would have been done. Married almost 9 years, don’t want to end it at this point in my life; just so difficult to accept this fate. Never in all my life had I known a man like this. I don’t want sex all the time, but never isn’t exactly exciting, either.

    1. Cynthia ~ There have been a few women above in this thread who are being refused and/or sexually ignored by their husbands, including me. I encourage you to go back and read my previous comment and Amy’s comment. We’re both in longstanding — meaning decades — sexless marriages. Married 22 years, sexless honeymoon, didn’t consummate for seven years, found out we couldn’t have kids, so not only is my marriage sexless, it’s childless as well. I wish I could say my husband is a good provider, but he struggles in this area and has an overall lack of drive in life. He’s a nice man and a good companion and that’s what I try to focus on. But it’s a struggle for sure. Sexlessness and childlessness are griefs that most people can’t — nor do they want — to understand. I’m sorry for your sorrow. I know it’s deep. You’re not alone.

  45. My wife and I have just celebrated our 46 th. Anniversary
    I love my wife and she is my best friend. I have never known another woman sexually. Sad to say our marriage has been sexless for the past 36 years. I reasonably found out my wife was a victim of sexual abuse
    By two people once before we were married an one after we were married. Both men are dead but I guess the harm is done. My wife now has medical problems that would make sex impossible .
    I feel bad for what my wife has had to live with we had a good sex life for a few years . I guess it sounds bad but
    I feel so cheated I feel so very alone with no affection. My religion makes me feel so bad for realeaving my sexual tensions Catholic guilt.
    I am so jealous of couples who have great sex life’s as sad and loanly I have been I could never bring myself to cheat. I take my vows serious for better and for worse in sickness and in health. I get so mad with God I prayed for change for so many years I have just given up with praying.
    Every time you have sex with your spouse thank god for that gift.

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