I’m making a guest appearance on his blog today discussing the topic of whether or not women should attempt to look hot for their husbands.

Here’s a sneak peek:

“…it seems that a whole collection of women have come to believe that marriage is an opportunity to give up and just quit trying. How do I know this? Because I have seen them. I have seen these wives, strolling through Target, pushing a cart at the grocery store, out to lunch with friends.

They are women, who from afar, may appear to be zombies of some sort–disheveled, hair in a scrunchie (I mean, a scrunchie, really? It isn’t 1992), sweat pants blowing in the wind. But upon closer inspection, one realizes that these are not flesh eating creatures, so much as women who have fallen into a rut.”

To read more, please join me over at Sammy’s blog and show some comment love. I hope to see you there.

But it’s not going anywhere.

I’ve debated in my mind over and over again about how, and if, I should address the issue of homosexuality and gay-marriage on this blog. I’ve had people write me and ask that I do. I have friends, whom I love, that daily struggle with this issue in personal and profound ways.

My knee-jerk reaction has been to write a divisive, controversial, button-pushing post on the subject, clearly articulating my views, and simultaneously pulverizing the opposition. I felt certain that if I did, it would cause a ruckus, but I felt ready for that response…or so I thought.

Thankfully, in the midst of feeling the need to respond to this news article, or that court decision, this legislative act, or that blog post, I stopped and did the one thing that always makes things clear…

I prayed.

And God spoke. He told me exactly what I was to do and exactly what I wasn’t to do.

And wouldn’t you know, God did not want me to engage in a cultural debate, at least not in the way I had assumed. He did not want me to “set the record straight,” interject my opinion, stir the pot, or be just another voice clamoring to be heard amid the deafening noise.

So, I listened and this is where I’ve landed, somewhere between grief and frustration. I find myself broken-hearted, physically wracked inside over the “gay-debate” raging within the church–feeling ill about the way in which homosexuality is discussed, handled, mishandled, twisted, and abused by all sides.

I find myself sifting through different emotions day after day, only to discover one thing is still true. One thing is still right. One Person is still the only voice I should be straining to hear…

It harkens back to the post I wrote about Mark Driscoll a while ago. Yes, I came to Driscoll’s defense, not because I agree with him on everything or because I even really like the guy, but because he is, despite what others would have you believe, my brother in Christ.

I asked a question then, that I believe, is perfectly reasonable to ask now: Are the so-called Christians who are writing, bashing, voting, hating, judging, and manipulating the issues surrounding homosexuality in the church, actually praying about these things before they act? Are they seeking God’s will before they engage in this debate? I doubt very many are.

Elizabeth Elliot once said (and I’m paraphrasing) that if every believer, instead of whining, complaining, or asking for another’s  advice would spend 2 days praying about that question or concern, they would undoubtedly find an answer:

“…do not speak about the decision to anyone but God for forty-eight hours at least. Just hold it before Him alone. Keep your mouth shut for two days. Pray. Listen. Seek his counsel.

Try this, too–sit before Him for fifteen consecutive minutes in silence, focusing your mind on the words of Psalm 86:11 (NEB), “Guide me, O Lord, that I may be true to thee and follow thy path.”

I think of this often. I think of this when I consider whether or not to write about something on this blog, especially something as difficult and emotionally-charged as the issue of homosexuality. I know God has something to say about it and I mean this when I say it– I doubt if hardly a one has solemnly prayed for the Lord’s wisdom and words before adding their own voice to the pack.

But what we want is to win. We want to point a-big-fat-I-told-you-so-finger at the other side. We want to prove them wrong and we’re willing to sacrifice Christ’s name and reputation to do it. It grieves my heart and no doubt it grieves His, as well.

It would not take much to know His will, His heart, His mind on this issue and for an issue as important as this, I think 48 hours is so little to ask…don’t you?

To be clear, I am not desiring to open up a debate on the issue of homosexuality in the church, so much as raise the issue regarding our quickness to join the debate versus our slowness to seek the Lord’s face in prayer. Do you agree or disagree with my observations?

image from here

When Nicole wrote about not liking women’s ministry (gatherings, retreats, teas, etc.), I was doing a happy dance and celebratory hand-waving. I’m sure I looked like a nutty person, but I was so relieved that she felt like me.

I recently, went to a women’s retreat. I have been on retreats before, but this was the first one I have gone to that was paid for out of my own pocket. This time felt different because I had a time and financial investment.

I don’t know what actually possessed me to sign up for the weekend getaway. I like being home with my hubster, eating the meals I make, and sleeping in my nice bed. But, I think it was the quiet voice of Jesus calling me, “Come Malisa, experience more of what I have for you. I want to spend time with you and get to know you better.” Shockingly, I signed up.

In doing so, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I allowed myself to be a follower rather than the leader. I allowed myself to be out of control and go with the flow.

Jesus was calling me. He spoke through the messages the various teachers presented, in conversations with friends, and orchestrating connections I could have never organized.

Saturday afternoon we took a walk to a scenic overlook.

I was taking pictures for my blog. I was irritated that I didn’t have cell phone coverage. Heaven forbid, I was only able to check my Twitter account for 2 minutes in 48 hours!

Standing on the edge of a breathtaking vista, ladies threw rocks over the edge representing things they were leaving behind and never picking back up. Some said control, others said hurtful relationships, and others said fear.

I wanted to throw a rock over the edge, but I couldn’t think of anything. I was outraged that here I stood a good girl, raised in a Christian home, and there was not a thing I could throw over.

The more ladies threw their rocks over the cliff’s edge and proclaimed things they were getting freed from, the more enraged I got. I walked over to Bev (the leader of the retreat) and asked, “May I have a word with you? Actually, I’m going to need a few words with you.” She happily walked with me to a spot away from the group.

(Bev and Me after our conversation)

I told her I was angry. I didn’t believe that God was trustworthy. I didn’t believe that a rock I threw over the edge would matter. Whatever “thing” I might throw over, I’d find again.

I’ve prayed that my excruciating neck and shoulder pain would go away, but it hasn’t. I’ve prayed that I would stop saying hurtful things. I’ve prayed that I wouldn’t give dirty, disgusted looks to my husband. I’ve asked and asked and asked.

I said I couldn’t and didn’t know how to accept the love of God.

I admitted to Bev I didn’t need God, because I was a good girl. I wasn’t bad enough to need a Savior.

I stated I was too busy working for Him. I’m too busy getting “gold stars” for my performance.

Bev asked me what I would do if I wasn’t trying to get gold stars?

My answer brought tears to her eyes. As tears streamed down my face, I answered, “I don’t know what I’d do.”

She said, “Oh, Sweetie! You don’t have to do anything. All you need to do is accept the love of Jesus. You just get to know him. That’s all.”

She then asked me what my name means. I said “honey bee.” She laughed! Bev’s name means “beaver.” Beavers and bees are busy creatures.

Bev asked me if she could throw a rock for me. I said yes. She grabbed a rock and held my hand. She said the rock was to end gold stars. She threw it. It was the beginning of something different.

Writing this story brought me additional freedom. A freedom I didn’t even realize when she threw the rock.

Jesus calls me daughter. He says I’m a sheep. And little sheep are the most high maintenance livestock in the world. If it weren’t for shepherds, they would die. (I learned that on my retreat weekend too, thanks Nicky!)

Photo Credit: ekieraM on Flickr

Even though my given name means honey bee and I envision little worker bees with their non-stop buzzing, I’m a sheep in the Kingdom. And as a sheep, my job is simple. I eat, drink, sleep, and follow.

That’s a pretty light yoke if you ask me.

So, here I am now. On the other side of a weekend away. With a new understanding. An understanding that Jesus came for good girls too. Jesus came for me.

I am encouraged to know that I don’t have to keep performing for Him. When the enemy comes to my mind and says, “Dance, pilgrim!” I don’t have to.

You see, the Shepherd calls me and says, “Come here, dear daughter, I want to spend time with you, Malisa. I want to get to know you.”

No more performing for this sheep. I’ll follow the shepherd and get to know the voice of Jesus.

But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers. – John 10:2-5

What are your thoughts on being a sheep? Can you relate to the need to perform to try and earn the approval of a God who already accepts and loves you?

So, to that end, I’m taking a mini-break from the blog until Monday. I’ll be back on Tuesday, however, with a brand spankin’ new post, sure to delight.

Here’s a glimpse into my California getaway:

So far, the beach has won the award for best time spent. Today, however, I’m excited to drag the kids to one of my favorite places in L.A.– 3rd St. Promenade. When I lived in L.A. it was my shopping destination of choice and I can’t wait to exhaust my husband and children as I peruse shop after shop…oh, and devour an Unami Burger. Yum.

But, we’ll take the kiddos to the pier, as well, so they can play games, win prizes, and gorge themselves on sugary treats like cotton candy and licorice rope. It’s gonna be a good day….

So what are you doing this weekend? Anything amazing or the same old, same old (which is okay too)? Do you have plans for summer vacation?

Psssttt- Also, did you happen to see yesterday’s GIVEAWAY from Mend Mark, the super cool Christian clothing company? If not, be sure to enter to win.

Well, the rad guys at Mend Mark contacted me and offered to give me some free swag, sorta as a thank-you for sharing the love. But instead, I asked if they would be willing to up the ante and offer a giveaway to you, my awesome rejects. They said “Yes!” So today, is giveaway day.

Here’s the suh-weeeeeet prize graciously being offered by Mend Mark:

One lucky winner will win one of the newest Mend Mark T-shirts, the Follower shirt. Behold her awesomeness….

There are shirts for dudes and shirts for chicks, so never fear. If you win, you can choose.

So how do you win, you ask? Simple…

1. Leave a comment on this post finishing this sentence: “I’m a follower…”

2. “Like” Modern Rejects Facebook page

3. Follow me on Twitter

4. “Like” Mend Mark’s Facebook page

5. Follow Mend Mark on Twitter

6. Tweet this post out to your tweeps (is that the right terminology?)

7. Share this post on Facebook

8. Write “I’m a follower,” on your chest and run around naked while video taping the event (P.S. This automatically wins the giveaway)

Each time you do one of the actions above, leave a separate comment. The more you do, the more entries you will rack up. The winner will be chosen via random.org and announced Tuesday the 16th. Only U.S. residents can win and must be at least 18 to play.

Good luck!

Motherhood did something similar. I realized that so much of the junk I thought I was healed of, was actually only laying dormant, like a slumbering bear, ready to be awakened when toddlers colored on walls or when I was acting less than Jesus-like.

And don’t even get me started on the toll that baby weight has taken on my self-esteem. Those extra pounds make me feel more insecure than the pack of “mean girls” I used to avoid in junior high. As of right now, I have an 8 month old baby and yes, my baby weight is still holding on strong.

Then, the other day, I stumbled across an article that I felt confidently was written to encourage women just like me. The author wrote about the need to banish the term “baby weight.” I began reading with great interest and a sliver of hope that when the article was done, I would feel freed from the pressure to lose. But the exact opposite happened and I found myself cursing at my computer screen.

As I read on about why women should retire the term “baby-weight” in an effort to be easier on ourselves, or what us Christians would call, giving ourselves grace, I realized that I didn’t agree at all. And I got angry.

Very often, what we desire to change about ourselves are not the things we actually need to change. Women are especially guilty of this. We look in the mirror and focus on each flaw, each blemish, each inch, instead of seeing what others see–our kindness, our loving hearts, our charisma, our sex appeal.

But every once in a while, the thing we desire to rid from ourselves really does deserve to hit the road. Baby weight is no exception, but somehow we have been led to believe that when it comes to physical appearance, well, we should just relax and take it easy.

I became angry at the idea of retiring the term “baby weight” because at the end of the day, I don’t want to settle, or be content, or find peace in 15 extra pounds. I don’t want to look softer, fuller, rounder. These terms are all euphemisms for “extra weight.” I don’t want to lose the term “baby weight.” I want to lose the weight. Period.

I don’t want to get comfortable in the new me and why should I? Why should I roll over, offer up one deep heavy sigh, and conclude that this is just how I’m going to look from now on?

Of course, someone reading this might feel offended when they consider that all I’m talking about are some extra pounds. Anyone reading this could very easily think I sound shallow, vain, or self-absorbed. And that’s sort of my point. If I work my tookus off because I don’t want a new body that is  “substantial and meaningful” chances are another woman might consider me preoccupied with physicality.

But is it wrong for me to not  want “a heft that is curvy and vibrant to the touch”? Is it wrong for me to fight for what I once had? Does motherhood mean forfeiting who I once was for a plumper version? I don’t want to have to choose between the old me and the new me, the past versus the present. I don’t want to be left feeling like no matter what I choose, I somehow gave up on myself.

What I want is to not have another woman judge me if I choose to work out 5 days a week and count calories to get back in shape. Just like women who lovingly accept their new post-baby shape want to feel free to do so,  I want to feel free to not do so.

What I want is for this whole, let’s-embrace-the-new-us-philosophy to die. What I want is to see people take responsibility, take action, take aim instead of settling, rolling over, or turning a blind eye.

What I want is to feel okay for wanting more…even if that means not wanting more pounds to go along with it.

What do you think? Have we created a culture that makes excuses for our shortcomings, disappointments, or less-than-desirable traits instead of doing something about it? Or am I just being sensitive?

I figured, for starters, it would shut me up and prevent me from whining or complaining, thinking that God really hasn’t done that much for me. Secondly, I would be forced to remember all that He has done, which is infinitely more than 27 things…and that alone is humbling and challenging.

So here are 27 ways God has blessed me…

1. I’m alive. Sound corny? Well, maybe, but I shouldn’t be alive. More of that in another post at another time.

2. I have babies. I was certain, because of my past life of sin, that I would never be able to have children.

3. I’m married to the perfect man…well, perfect for me. I was also certain because of my past sin that no man would ever want to marry me…at least not one as Godly and wonderful as my husband.

4. I have a restored relationship with my dad.

5. I have a restored relationship with my stepfather.

6. Somehow, despite the financial struggle to do so, I graduated from college…with very little debt.

7. My in-laws, who are not anything like “in-laws”. They are like an extra set of wonderful parents.

8. Heck, my husband’s whole family is my family. They treat me like I have always been a part of theirs.

9. I have been radically transformed from being the rude, selfish, unkind, snotty girl I once was.

10. I have this blog, which is a blessing to me each and every day. Why? Because of you. No joke.

11. Donuts exist. I consider this a blessing from God, yes.

12. Even though I lived a sexually promiscuous life previously, I was protected from STD’s and an unwanted pregnancy. I think of this fact from time to time and am still amazed at God’s hand of protection.

13. My health. I mean sure, I get migraines and have weird Fibromyalgia type symptoms, but overall I am healthy. I don’t know about you, but I so often take my health for granted.

14. Being financially able to stay home with my kids. I don’t take this for granted.

15. Having true friends, which I longed for and asked the Lord for in prayer, for many years.

16. My home, especially since lately I’ve been feeling antsy to move, and God has gently reminded me to instead look and see all that I have.

17. My mom, who worked three jobs, put herself through college, and raised me by herself, yet was somehow able to attend every parent teacher conference, every dance recital, and every other thing. Amazing.

18. My baby, Beckett. Yes, I know I already mentioned my kids, but my third child was a direct and overwhelming answer to years 0f prayer.

19. The opportunity to travel. Of course, they are so many places I’d still love to go, but the fact that I’ve been anywhere is more than most people get to experience in their lifetime.

20. The radical, life-changing, relationship-transforming moment when I repented of all the wrong things I used to think about God the Father. The moment when I asked Him to forgive me for thinking He was anything like my earthly dad, and the immediate, instantaneous, powerful change in my spirit and mind that followed.

21. The Body. I cannot imagine who I would be or where I would be, if not for the Body of saints.

22. Every email, message, or tweet from one of you, telling me that something I wrote edified you, convicted you, challenged you, or helped God speak to you.

23. Hulu. I’m just sayin’…

24. The Word and especially Phillipians 3:12, which were the first verses I memorized upon knowing Jesus and which still continue to be a major source of encouragement and help to me.

25. Grace…all of it, every drop, every bucket, every single time. I am overwhelmed and in constant awe of God’s grace.

26. God allowing me to participate in His plan, using me despite my being so undeserving, to impact His Kingdom however slight. I’m humbled that He uses me and I’m beyond thankful each time He does.

27. Jesus, continually chasing me and pursuing me, that I might know Him more, and in doing so compelling me to chase Him right back.

How has God blessed you? From the biggest things to the smallest things? What has He done to display His love, grace, and future plans for you?

It is always so encouraging to feel like I know some of you, without having met you in real life. It makes blogging so worth it.

I also happened upon some good reads and a few other interesting tidbits this week. Here’s my Friday Findings…

Don’t Invite Jesus into Your Heart. I listed this phrase on my Top 10 Christian Phrases I Never Want to Hear Again post, which was syndicated on Churchleaders.com, where a few readers attacked politely disagreed with me for adding that one. Well, lo and behold a pastor wrote about the same thing, only much more in depth, and I love it!

Feminists Make Bad Christian Wives. The lovely Nikki Weatherford, blogger, wife, and mom extraordinaire, wrote a great post called 10 Reasons Why I’d Make a Terrible Feminist. I’m not gonna lie…I wish I had written this.

Social Media and Evangelism? When you think of evangelizing, is social media one of the last things that comes to your mind? It is for me, but Peter Guirguis started the relevant, challenging, and practical site called Not Ashamed of the Gospel which exists to encourage believers to reach people with the Gospel via social media. I think it’s a brilliant idea.

Jesus Has Blue Eyes. One of the most beautiful, compelling, convicting, and inspiring things I’ve read in a long time. I don’t want to give anything away. Just go read it!

All Kinds of Awesome. The other night, I seriously lost 20 minutes of my life on Buzz Feed, perusing lists like this one and this one. I was laughing out loud, tears were streaming down my face, and it was pure awesomeness.

Measuring Yourself. And it wouldn’t be a true Friday Findings if I didn’t mention something from Frank Viola. His post The Peril of Measuring Yourself Against Others is a pitch perfect commentary on the dangers of comparison, stats, and rankings, and the need for true discipleship. If you are a blogger especially, read this.

I’m Getting Ads. Okay?  First, a bit of MR housekeeping…If you ever signed up to receive posts directly to your inbox, only to find you never received a single one, I apologize. I suck. Well, technology sucks sometimes. Anyhoo, it’s fixed, along with some other buggy things that were bogging down this here blog. Also, I wanted to ask you all if you would be terribly offended or run away if I started running ads on Modern Reject?

Because, I think it’s time. I used to feel conflicted about the issue, like Christian bloggers shouldn’t make a penny for writing. They should just be all pious and poor and stuff. But after reading a post from Micheal Hyatt about monetizing your blog without selling your soul, I changed my mind and have decided that ads aren’t immoral. So, hopefully you won’t mind once those precious little money-makers pop up in the next week or so.

Alright Rejects, what have you got to share with the rest of us? Something funny, shocking, weird, touching, none of the above? Let’s hear it!

from the archives

In the last month or so, my husband and I have heard about two marriages we know ending. I don’t know all of the circumstances and I don’t want to, either. I do know, however, that one marriage suffered from an adulterous relationship. The thought of my husband having any kind of affair makes me sick to my stomach. Absolutely sick. For married people, the idea of your spouse committing adultery is a nightmare and something we avoid even thinking about.

A sexual affair violates the covenant of marriage. It is sharing your most personal and intimate self with another, who is not your spouse. It breaks trust, forces people to choose sides, causes great emotional and physical stress, can lead to depression, and in many cases, divorce.

But is adultery an automatic reason to divorce? Can a marriage can survive an affair and, more than that, should it?

To be clear, I do not want to debate the topic of whether divorce is permissible or not. I know many Christians have varying beliefs on the subject of divorce. But, for the purposes of this post I am going to assume that, based on verses like “Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate,” we are least in agreement that divorce is not ideal.

Regardless of whether or not you think Christians should or can divorce, one thing is clear: God does not like divorce. And how could He? He designed marriage. He desired for a man and a woman to join as one in the act of marriage, both literally and figuratively speaking. I believe it breaks His heart when we divorce, in part, because marriage was designed, in part, to be the representation of Christ’s relationship with the church.

Of course, I can only share from my own personal feelings on the subject of adultery. If my husband came home tomorrow and told me had cheated on me with some unknown woman, that it had been a one night stand, and he did not love her, what would I do? One of two things–I would either scream like a crazy person, cuss like a sailor and hit him while filled with rage and tell him to get out; or I would crumble to the floor, a pile of brokenness and ask him to leave. Neither is great.

Here comes the hard question though, “Would I forgive him?” I can say right now, without having actually suffered through the heartache of adultery that, yes, I would forgive him. I would also make every effort to restore and reconcile my marriage.

Easy to say, I know, because it hasn’t happened. I know, I am answering based on a hypothetical question. I am referring to a one-night stand and not an ongoing long-term affair. No, I cannot image the actual pain, loss, and grief I would feel if my husband were, in fact, to have an affair. My life would be devastated. I would probably want to leave. The word “divorce”  would probably drift through my mind. My parents divorced, so maybe it would be easy for me to just walk away and never look back.

“…what God has joined together, let no man separate…”

And I would hopefully hear that verse drift through my mind, as well. People want to say that adultery is, without question, a reason to end a marriage. No marriage can survive an affair, they say… but that’s a lie. I know of marriages that have been resurrected after an affair and wholly restored. If the Lord of the universe who raised Himself from the dead cannot raise a marriage from the dead, then we are all doomed.

So, while I cannot pretend to know the emotional and spiritual torment that an affair would cause in my marriage, I do know that I do not automatically support divorce in light of an adulterous relationship. I have heard Dennis Prager discuss this topic and he has pointed to the fact that there are many things more damaging, long-term, in a marriage than a one-time affair might be. It is hard to imagine, yes, but reasonable.

Take, for instance, a couple or one spouse who publicly humiliates and berates the other, over the course of years. There is just as much, if not more, emotional and physiological damage done to that spouse over a lifetime of public humiliation, versus a one-time affair. People do not as often divorce over public humiliation or emotional abuse, but why not? Partly, I think because it is more often, a slow and gradual increase and so tramples one’s self-esteem over years.

An adulterous relationship, however, is usually a one-time sucker punch to the face. We do not see it coming. It is a surprise. It hurts. It knocks the wind out of us. The emotional blow to our self-esteem is so great and so rapid that people are ready to just walk away without a second thought. Our pride is instantly wounded and it is our pride that we are often yielding to when we divorce due to adultery, not always, but often.

Here is the other key to my thinking however: Divorce is never an option in my marriage. Divorce is not a backdoor or a side door. There is no door. Now, I know people may throw at me every possible horrific scenario as to when divorce might be okay, like physical abuse or sexual abuse. I am not going to entertain those hypothetical situations here, partly because, in this post I am talking specifically about adultery. Also, however, I don’t believe my own marriage is at risk of those types of abuses and so dwelling on them is neither helpful nor edifying.

When divorce is not an option in your marriage, it naturally takes away some of the fear and worry of something like adultery. I have said, I would be devastated if that were to happen in my marriage but, because I do not accept divorce as a so-called “solution,” I know that I would have to look to other things to bring about healing or reconciliation in my marriage, like Christ Himself, who promises us nothing less.

What are your feelings on this touchy subject? Do you think adultery is a “good reason” to divorce? Do you think divorce is not an option? Why?

post image here

They are the believers who serve as little as possible, give as little as possible, and love God as little as possible.

The lukewarm Christian is content where they are and resist anyone challenging or questioning their heart or desire for God.

The Lukewarm Christian is a disgrace to God and His reputation.

I have been the lukewarm Christian. I have quietly resided in the place of apathy, being neither hot nor cold for God.

But when we discover this about ourselves, when we say the words out loud, “I am lukewarm,” what then? It is not enough to acknowledge it and walk away. Christ’s love compels us to have a radical response to this realization. It must…

After watching this video, how do you feel? Convicted? Motivated? Thankful? Moved? If you found yourself saying “I am lukewarm,” what will your response be now?