Want to know how I feel about turning 31 today? Well, basically I think it sucks. I hate getting old and this birthday makes me feel old.
Not to mention the fact that I am enormously pregnant right now, expecting baby Cottrell at any moment.
I was scared to death to turn 30 last year. I had a mini breakdown. I wish I could be like those women who effortlessly grown older and sing of the virtues of old age. Women who make 40 look like 17 (Demi Moore…the ageless wonder) and who treat birthdays as just an excuse to order another cocktail.
But alas, I am not one of those women. I feel the pang of growing older because it forces me to examine what I’ve done and sadly, what I have not done. I tally all the things I’ve yet to accomplish and feel like time is moving too fast for me to ever really accomplish them all.
But then I pause and look at my life and its richness and fullness. I am overwhelmed by the love of my God, my husband, my children, my family and friends. I am drenched in acceptance, openness, and the daily beauty of being a mother, as difficult as it is some days.
This last year proved to be one of ups and downs, great opportunities and some loss, all the while God has faithfully stood at my side and upheld me. This time last year, I was just beginning Modern Reject not knowing what I was doing or why. Now, however, so much focus has been placed before me…so much clarity and resolve.
I hate that I’m officially in my thirties. I hate the way saying “31” makes me feel, but I love my life and am thankful for every moment of it. I love that God will never ever say, “You’re all done Nicole. Nothin’ more to learn here.” I love that birthdays are markers of not only where we came from, but where we are headed…and for those reasons, I love turning 31.