I’m sitting at my computer, staring at my screen, debating once more about exactly what it is that I should write. It is 11:20 p.m. I have a glass of wine in one hand and some candy corn in the other (don’t judge me).
I had scrapped one post idea, only to start…and then stop writing another. I had an entire whole long weekend to write something, anything, and yet…nothing. “Why do I do this to myself,” I ask? My husband, sitting next to me, just smiles.
You see, this whole business of blogging is somewhat impossible for me. On the outside, it appears that I am on top of things, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I frequently run into Modern Reject readers who say, “I don’t know how you do it! You’re amazing!” I nod and acknowledge that, while yes, I am quite amazing, I’m not as amazing as you might think. In fact, I’m pretty sub-par.
The truth is, the mere fact that Modern Reject exits is a miracle and points to God’s existence. You laugh, but I’m serious. The fact that I somehow write a post, respond to comments, show up on social media sites, and comment on and read other blogs is really God making the impossible, possible.
I’m about to celebrate 2 years of Modern Reject and, looking back, I am completely amazed that I have kept this thing going, when I have wanted to quit numerous times. But something always stops me. Someone, rather. Whenever I’ve thought that this blog is just too much work for me, one of you writes me and tells me thank you. One of you pours your heart out and asks for prayer. One of you encourages my spirit beyond explanation.
And so I write….
I get down on myself. I’m not the best writer. I’m not the most articulate, the most educated, the most theologically versed.
I wish that I had hours to dedicate to each post–to research, revise, edit, and edit again. I wish I could respond eloquently to each and every comment, along with each and every email. I wish that I could spend countless hours reading books that would make me a better writer, deeper thinker, wiser believer. I wish that I could devote more energy to engaging with all of you wherever you are.
But I can’t.
Instead, I bounce a baby on my hip or chase him down the hallway desperately trying to stop him from eating yet another Lego. Instead, I fold laundry–5 loads worth–wash dishes, bathe children, cook meals, and try to not lose myself in the midst of it.
Instead, I squeeze in emails to you and comment back on my phone while pushing a shopping cart. Instead, I lay in bed at night and write blog posts in my head because that is when and where it is quiet and I can truly think. Instead, I read my Bible…when I can and trust God will bring me just enough inspiration and motivation.
And He does.
And so I write…
At times, this blog feels overwhelming and I feel that I need nothing more than to walk away. But I can’t. You won’t let me. So even when I failed once more to write what I wanted to write and instead gorged myself on candy corns while proving my masterful skills of procrastination as I watched an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress,” I know that I’m forgiven. I know that I’m loved. I know that you won’t bail on me, just because I feel like bailing on myself sometimes.
And that is enough.
And so I write…
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Josh,
Hello friend! How are you?
Thank you for the link. It was a hefty post, but it had a ton of good advice. I really loved the “closed door” idea. Some of my personal favorite posts have been those I wrote for myself out of fear, or anger, or grief never sure if I would hit “publish.”…never sure if anyone else would respond to them, but people always do.
I have thought of giving up homeschooling. I can literally watch my younger kids walk to school. It is that close. But even when I have been “bad teacher”, God keeps telling me to keep going because He has plans for my kids and for me in this that have nothing to do with education, but about life and Him.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21
Oh goodness, I started homeschooling this year and it is yet another thing I have to add to the impossible list. It is so tough for me.
But you are right! God has plans for me in it, as well as for my children.
Thank verse is perfect and so encouraging. Thank you!
Nicole,
I wrote this post last night. Perhaps there might be some encouragement in it, just for you.
Enjoy. And you’re very right: you do need your husband, and he needs you. Great arrangement, ain’t it?
http://uncomfortablechristianity.wordpress.com/2012/05/28/the-why-salvation-and-you/
Oh, and I forgot to comment on your blog: “Holy crud! You’re blogging again? All is right in the world!”
The time I most wanted to quit was working in a secondary school in France in 2009. I barely slept each night as I was so nervous, and making it through classes was so hard. But I made it and it is my proudest achievement so far.
Louise,
Often times our shining moments are when we realize we can’t really do it, but we keep doing it anyway. You should be proud!
Nicole,
Hebrews 4:15 crossed my path today and I thought of you. Now, I’m not inferring you are complaining or whining, (not at all!), but maybe this Scripture will bring a smile to your spirit. I know it did to mine, and I ain’t exactly known for being all smiley. Ha!
“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.”
In other words, Jesus understands. I dig that about Him.
Donald,
I did need that verse! It did, in fact, bring a smile to my face.
Every time I read that verse, the word “sympathize” stands out to me. It is so beyond comprehension that we serve a God who not only sympathizes but also empathizes.
I dig that about Him too and I find it extremely comforting. Thank you, friend.
Oh I feel ya sistah. Not the baby on the hip part, but the sitting in front of a screen wondering what in the world to write part. Thanks for showing up and doing it every day. I know not every post is going to be a gem, but if I don’t sit down and write there is no chance at all. Congrats on the anniversary. I always look forward to reading your work. :)
I thinl I would quit if it wasn’t for the people I have met and gotten to know. I love the writing. I love the people more.
Larry,
Yes, people make it all worth it. It really comes down to relationships and writing is just another way to create them, I think.
I love this post. Thank you for writing and for keeping at it. For me, I write to be a part of the conversation. It’s not about persuading or preaching or being extraordinarily profound. It’s about staying engaged in the conversations taking place that are shaping our culture today. By what others write I learn. By what I write I learn. There’s a lot of refining that happens in consistently and persistently staying engaged and contributing. Being a listener. Being a participant. It’s so much better than sitting in the back row zoning out. ;)
Karen,
Well-said. I think you bring up a great point that writing really is a way to be a part of a discussion and to engage individuals. It can even become a ministry, which is how I feel about Modern Reject.
Sometimes I want to quit my job. I don’t feel like I have that impact anymore like I use to. I am mostly to blame. I’m like what am I doing here? My dream is to have babies and raise them with my husband, go back to school, or just have the time to cook and be crafty. I like writing.
I know that God has brought me thus far. When I’m tempted to “try” harder, He reminds me, like He did today, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.” John 15:16
April,
Man, another perfect and convicting verse. It is so true…He chose us. He placed us here. He holds us in His hands and we are His. {sigh} It’s so humbling and so freeing.
Keep on keeping on! I don’t have time to read many blogs but yours is one of them I don’t miss.
Thank you!
At least once a month, since moving to Tonga for a rather impossible project, have I wanted to walk away and back to what I know, to what is comfortable.
Some days it was only the fact that my internet was down and I couldn’t change my plane ticket, that kept me where I was! I’m glad that I stayed.
My bible study in Tonga is a random mash up of missionaries who have grace in abundance and like to share it with me, and remind me of His grace.
Hannah,
you inspire me. May God continue to bless that which feels impossible at times, for His glory.
I can certainly relate to this and like everything by God grace we can get it done. Keep up the fab writing, Mich x
Nicole,
Keep chasing the kids, and writing when you can. I enjoy stopping by. Thanks to God for the two years!
Jennifer Dougan
http://www.jenniferdougan.com
This is fantastic, Nicole. I feel like blogging is often an impossible task for me too! Glad to know I’m not alone . . . and glad also that Christ is using you in this not-so-little corner of the web :)
This year alone i have wanted to quit mission work and go back to the US 3 times. A day. It’s been a tough year but honestly your “not the most articulate, the most educated, the most theologically versed” blog posts make me feel like I’m not the only one and that “this too shall pass.”
I think you have your priorities straight. If one day Modern Reject doesn’t have a post then I’ll know your husband and kids are being well taken care of.
I like this post. I think everyone can relate to this. I decided to start a personal blog almost two years ago and even though it was “my” idea and I love sharing my adventures with my friends and family, sometimes I just downright dread doing it. I think you’ve done an amazing job with this blog; and people seem really engaged.
Side note: Watched Scottsdale Bible’s sermon on Margin in Finance (awesome – btw) and it reminded me of when we did the Dave Ramsey’s financial university … good times : )
Love this honesty! God keeps telling me to write as well. Part of me considers throwing in the towel but He keeps whispering that He’s not quite done yet. I’m glad He’s in charge and not me.
I struggle with the same thoughts as I stand in front of students to try and share with them a bit of experience and hopefully wisdom that I’ve gained over the 26 years of being a physical therapist. I wonder what in the heck am I thinking, being up here!!?? Thank you for your honesty! I don’t have a great deal more confidence after reading the post but I am reminded that I’m human and that, when I’m doing what God wants me to do, He will show me a way!
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