Today, I’m privileged to have an article featured over at Prodigal Magazine. I’m sharing about something very personal–something that I have never even talked about here on Modern Reject.
I’m talking about depression and where the darkness hides…
Here’s a taste:
I wasn’t quite sure what was happening. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t have the words. I didn’t have the energy to try. What I did have was a constant ache, a swelling emotion that everything wasn’t going to be okay. What I had was the overwhelming feeling that I was drowning, desperately trying to keep my head above water.
Come hang with me over at Prodigal Magazine to keep reading. Hope to see you there…
Steph said...
This is something that hits too close to home for me. I used to think it was all in peoples’ heads and they could control it. Until it happened to me.
When I’ve gone through my bouts of depression I would be sad, blue, depressed, feel extremely ALONE, angry & confused, insomnia & self destructiveness. Suicide always comes to mind when I feel like this, but I could never because of my kids. After everyone would go to sleep i would cry for sometimes hours.
I’ll write & draw too. I’d look back at them later & wonder who that was, who wrote that, and even think it’s weird that i did that. They are so dark & sad. And I don’t feel like that all the time.
I found that having people to talk with about it really helps me. I also see a pattern with people who are more creative tend to fall into depression. So, having an outlet for that helps.
I would read my bible and pray & beg God to help me. That’s all i had.
So, it was annoying when people say “Just pray, read your bible, go to church….”
Here are some Patterns i’ve started to notice that contribute to my fall into depression:
-Hormones. (although not all the time). I’ve had 5 miscarriages, so, I know all about this.
-Trying to fit a mold & be like another Christian (or admirable person), then self-loathing when i failed. I’m learning that God made me unique, and I’m finally, at 33, begining to accept that. We are free in Christ, and God’s sanctifying love sometimes hurts & sometimes feels good.
-My husband and I not getting along and i don’t feel close to him, and honestly feeling like he doesn’t love me. (At the time i feel like everything is his fault, poor guy). (sometimes wives’ can be depressed because her husband is in sin, but is something to tread carefully on).
-The deep realization of the sinfulness and hatred in the world. I’m such a realist and the depravity of man is too much for me. I can have a hard time filtering things out.
-Isolation. I’m an introvert so, i recharge this way and am generally ok with this. But when i fall into depression i get into extreme isolation.
Nicole Cottrell said in reply to Steph...
Steph,
It is so good and so helpful that you are aware of your triggers. it took me some time to recognize mine, many of which mirror yours, as well. I think you shared practical and beneficial advice and encouragement here, so thank you!
Lori (@lorilharding) said...
Thank you for your honesty.
It is very subtle and can be so confusing! I appreciate how you’ve articulated just how confused you were about what was happening and also how completely exhaustive you were. I am not sure if I would have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but I experienced similar symptoms. I remember being unable to make even the smallest decision! It was scary like you said…I thought “is this what it feels like to be losing my mind and losing control”?
I am convinced this happens more than we know to people sitting right next to us!
Nicole Cottrell said in reply to Lori...
Lori,
I suspect you are so right. I imagine that so many of us have felt feelings of depression at one point in our life, but been to afraid and frozen to share with anyone. I’m glad more people like you, whose eyes have been opened to depression on some level, can help speak to those who are hurting in silence.
Brent said...
It seems to hit me more in smaller spouts. I’ll have a couple days or a week or so, I’ve never hit the months that you’re talking about, and I can’t imagine how dark that gets. Days is more than enough for me.
Usually in my case I’ve gotten off the path. It’s not that I’ve gotten into sin, or not going to church, or anything like that; I’ve just pulled away from where God is leading me. As soon as I stop doing His work, I find myself judging how I’m doing and comparing myself to others, and that always tries to take me down. I’ve also had times where relationship issues drive me there. I put too much into what my wife thinks. So if she’s upset, I don’t do so well.
In no way am I saying that’s what other people have, just sharing some of my experiences.
Josh M said...
Thank you for being so open about something that has such a stigma in the church. For people who are commissioned to suffer as Christ suffers, it is amazing to me that we are so unaware of the complexity of the ramifications of this. That we will be called into dark places. Or allowed to exist in dark places. And that in those spaces, as we conduct ourselves with obedience, the Lord’s glory will be amplified through our brokenness. I give you Jeremiah. Or David. Or any number of God-honoring, biblically mentioned individuals.
Thank you for speaking out about this. I just came out of a year-long depression. Its not the first. I’m guessing it won’t be the last. But God is good, and though it may not feel like it, it is, and will be, well worth trekking through the desert with arms raised and head bowed. Tons of love my friend. Stay the course.
RandomlyChad (@randomlychad) said...
Thank-you for so bravely sharing something that is so often misunderstood in the church. Bless you for your courage. In the last couple years, I’ve gotten real honest about my own struggles, and really just hope that in so doing I’m able to help someone. Thank-you for being real.