I’m sitting at my computer, staring at my screen, debating once more about exactly what it is that I should write. It is 11:20 p.m. I have a glass of wine in one hand and some candy corn in the other (don’t judge me).
I had scrapped one post idea, only to start…and then stop writing another. I had an entire whole long weekend to write something, anything, and yet…nothing. “Why do I do this to myself,” I ask? My husband, sitting next to me, just smiles.
You see, this whole business of blogging is somewhat impossible for me. On the outside, it appears that I am on top of things, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I frequently run into Modern Reject readers who say, “I don’t know how you do it! You’re amazing!” I nod and acknowledge that, while yes, I am quite amazing, I’m not as amazing as you might think. In fact, I’m pretty sub-par.
The truth is, the mere fact that Modern Reject exits is a miracle and points to God’s existence. You laugh, but I’m serious. The fact that I somehow write a post, respond to comments, show up on social media sites, and comment on and read other blogs is really God making the impossible, possible.
I’m about to celebrate 2 years of Modern Reject and, looking back, I am completely amazed that I have kept this thing going, when I have wanted to quit numerous times. But something always stops me. Someone, rather. Whenever I’ve thought that this blog is just too much work for me, one of you writes me and tells me thank you. One of you pours your heart out and asks for prayer. One of you encourages my spirit beyond explanation.
And so I write….
I get down on myself. I’m not the best writer. I’m not the most articulate, the most educated, the most theologically versed.
I wish that I had hours to dedicate to each post–to research, revise, edit, and edit again. I wish I could respond eloquently to each and every comment, along with each and every email. I wish that I could spend countless hours reading books that would make me a better writer, deeper thinker, wiser believer. I wish that I could devote more energy to engaging with all of you wherever you are.
But I can’t.
Instead, I bounce a baby on my hip or chase him down the hallway desperately trying to stop him from eating yet another Lego. Instead, I fold laundry–5 loads worth–wash dishes, bathe children, cook meals, and try to not lose myself in the midst of it.
Instead, I squeeze in emails to you and comment back on my phone while pushing a shopping cart. Instead, I lay in bed at night and write blog posts in my head because that is when and where it is quiet and I can truly think. Instead, I read my Bible…when I can and trust God will bring me just enough inspiration and motivation.
And He does.
And so I write…
At times, this blog feels overwhelming and I feel that I need nothing more than to walk away. But I can’t. You won’t let me. So even when I failed once more to write what I wanted to write and instead gorged myself on candy corns while proving my masterful skills of procrastination as I watched an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress,” I know that I’m forgiven. I know that I’m loved. I know that you won’t bail on me, just because I feel like bailing on myself sometimes.
And that is enough.
And so I write…