Why I Haven’t Been Writing…

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

I don’t remember a time without pain. It seems that pain has always known me, having found me so young, so soon. Now, I’m not talking about the suffering most of us experience in life–loss, heartache, betrayal and the like (although I have known each of these, as well).

It’s not the pain of life I’m talking about, however. It is physical pain, the searing hurt that shocks your nerves and dulls all other senses. The kind of pain that leaves you unable to speak, dream, or even love for a time because how could you…how can you love as fully as you’d like when your body is not your own? When it has been taken hostage by an enemy.

Pain so real and so unwelcome that you live life as a muted version of yourself–lifeless, colorless, often hopeless.

A little over a month ago, I awoke to the familiar pain I have known since childhood. I have always had migraines, my weekly companion, but this particular morning I awoke to something much more fierce and unforgiving.

The first time I experienced this different pain, I was 17 and my parents were away on a short 3 day getaway. I woke up that morning certain that the pain I was feeling must be me dying. How could it be anything else? I sat screaming, alone, in my room until the pain was so intense that I eventually passed out.

And it went like this, day after day, each time I awoke. Because this is how they come…when you are sleeping. They wake you and they feel like they are killing you.

They are called cluster headaches and are nicknamed the “Evil nemesis” of the migrane. They are even called “suicide headaches,” since some who suffer with them eventually take their life.

The last time I had cluster headaches was almost 4 years ago. This too, is how they come–randomly and sporadically.

You could go years without seeing them until one morning you find yourself in hell all over again. And so, I find myself in hell now.

The initial horrific pain of the cluster is gone. I spent over a month taking pain pills and sleeping (yet afraid to sleep knowing they would wake me). Everything I did was through the veil of a narcotic–the haze of pharmaceuticals. I did not want to minister, or pray. I did not want to care for my home or be a mom. I did not want to write or seek inspiration.

I just wanted God to take it all away. To relieve me. To rescue me.

And He did….


But not without leading me through every single portion of pain these clusters would inevitably bring.

And the beauty of that is another story all together. The way the Lord bound me and held me, reminded me and promised me.

I’m not fully well yet, but I’m better. As I type this, pain is crawling across my shoulder, neck, jaw, face, and head threatening to silence me. But, I know I have a choice. Yet, I want you to know too…

This is why I haven’t been writing as much. Why I post once a week and then have nothing left to give. Why ideas escape me and inspiration mocks me. Why I sit feeling powerless–watching a blog I feel so dedicated to sit untouched, abandoned.

But, the Lord knows all this. He sees all of this. He knows my pain is real and heartbreaking. So, I wait. I wait for His mercy to once again be poured out, for His hope to spring forth, for His goodness to cover me…and for Him to wake me, full and fully alive.


25 thoughts on “Why I Haven’t Been Writing…”

  1. Oh, Nicole. I am lifting you up in prayer, asking that He would heal you. So thankful for the promise of a day where there will be no more pain.

  2. so sorry, Nicole. So sorry. I hate physical pain more than anything in the world…even more than depression which is saying something for me. My hubby struggles with ongoing, debilitating pain due to a deadly car accident he was in & I have sat by for many years helpless watching him try & push through severe back/neck/headaches….it’s just awful….I have some small window to know what you must be going through & I feel terrible for you. However, I am HAPPY that you haven’t been writing here…..the rest away from it is good. M.R. is not abandoned it is just resting. I hope you don’t feel badly about that, everyone needs a break. I will pray for your healing. A 6 second warm embrace from Michigan….

  3. Oh love you so much! I cannot imagine
    And cry for you. To think you minister to me during this time-
    What strength he gives you. I pray they continue to back away and you are in his presence through this. Holding you and knowing he loves you.

  4. I have never experienced clusters, but migraine is one of my nightmares as well. So please know I am here with you, Nicole, lifting you in prayer, suffering beside you…as is Jesus, just the way He has told you He would be, and shown Himself to you during this. You will endure, as He wills it, and I will be here waiting. You are a blessed woman of God, do not forget it!

  5. I have a brother-in-law that says when he gets a migraine, he makes a tea with the smooth interior part of the bark from a dogwood tree. He say it helped more than any medication he ever tried. He also said that the only form of medication that ever helped his migranes was when he smoked a joint when he was younger. I hope Jesus heals you.

  6. Nicole, have you explored other medical treatments for this such as naturopathy? I know there are plenty in your area & even a school (one of the best one’s too!). There is a deeper cause of these clusters. Naturopathic doctors look for root causes & use God’s creation to treat problems. They are especially good with chronic conditions. Most in your area do adjustments but chiropractors are invaluable as well. Just a thought. I’ve never had clusters but I did deal with chronic pain for years that took my breath away & caused me to be suicidal. Praying for healing in you!

  7. Oh Nicole! This post brought me to tears. Praise God he is bringing you through this. My mom suffered with severe, often crippling pain like you described for most of her adult life until very recently. My heart is breaking for you but I am praising God for the good things he will bring out of it as he brings you back to yourself. Praying for compounded inspiration, motivation and joy as he brings you relief from the pain.

  8. I will keep you in my prayers Nicole. We all suffer from time to time. I have had my own share of troubles over the last 10 years. Kidney stones have been thrust upon me and I must deal with them as I must. Not quite what you are experiencing. Your headaches sound awful. From time to time I get nasty headaches. Mine usually go away with some simple pain relievers. Take care. I look forward to your next article.

  9. I actually came here a few days ago because I was wondering why you hadn’t popped up in my inbox lately. I’m sorry to hear of the awful pain you’ve been in, it breaks my heart, and I’m so thankful that God is bringing you through. Thank you for letting us know what you are dealing with because we don’t just “subscribe” to you- We Love You! May God’s grace abound to you and your family.

  10. Simply hate that you’re going through this! I, with so many others, have missed you and figured you must just be busy, what with three kids. I don’t know how you’ve managed, then remember what a great husband you have. Still, this absolutely sucks. So thankful you are feeling at least a bit better, and wishing I could do something tangible for your relief – you know, hands-on advice, “not just” prayer! :-) That’s the way I am….I know very little about cluster headaches and what causes them or how to treat them.

    Thinking of you today.

  11. Hi Nicole, I just came across your blog via an online site (which one of our leaders posted at Proverbs 31) of links for Christian women..
    I clicked on yours first – not by accident; but to read you have migraine issues; :-(
    I don’t go on blogs and advertise – but after reading this blog – I just want to share – what might help you – please know I am treading carefully, and not to be a no it all or even that I want business; but I DO want to help another woman of God – to be able to live fully w/o pain; and that is why I share; feel free to delete post if I have overstepped boundaries; I apologize, and only want to help..
    of course Jesus is our healer – and I along with others are agreeing with you that by HIS STRIPES YOU ARE HEALED!
    AS YOU expect his answer – would you be willing to try Young Living essential oils (I would suggest no other brand, because most oils are perfume grade, vs. ours are pure – we see the product from seed to sealed in the bottle);

    I know first h and how well they work, as I suffered for 20+ yrs with sinus issues, infections, which led to pneumonia and bronchitis – at least twice a year; not fun; costly because sickness keeps us from being fully productive; SInce using R.C (respiratory care) I have NOT been sick in almost FOUR years; not one sinus issue; Praise God!!!
    Peppermint (the pure kind only) gets rid of headaches; putting behind neck along the spine – from the hairline down as far as you can reach along your spine; rubbing along the temples, and forehead; It is a strong oil, if you are sensitive to smells, dilute it 50/ 50 with extra virgin olive oil – two drops of Peppermint to two drops of olive oil. rub on as I explained;
    Other oils that work well that we carry are: lavender, or German chamomile, spearmint, clove, rosemary, wintergreen; (not to use all at once, but to see which works best for you – but I do know from experience, Peppermint is phenomenal and effective!) if your issues are consistent and often, I would suggest a diffuser;

    I included my website in the fill in blanks; and my email;

  12. So sorry to hear of the pain you are enduring. Just as something to check out and give a try. Sometimes the food we eat triggers the ailments that attack our bodies.

    I’m almost done doing a whole30 which eliminates food groups from your diet to cleanse your system. You then gradually add each one back to determine how they affect your body.
    There are tons and tons of testimonies of pain and other diseases that disappear or reduce. Fibromyalgia is mine and I haven’t had any pain since about day 6.

    It’s only 30 days and you can go back to eating any way you want.

    Check out the website if you want more information: http://www.whole9life.com

    God Bless and keep pressing forward…!

  13. I just discovered your letter to Rick Warren on FB, and I dug a little deeper. So glad I did. I know it was part of God’s plan.

  14. Nicole,

    I know this pain…

    My last episode was a week and a half ago where I was confined to my car for several hours. I was just arriving at my local Walmart. Then it hit like fury.

    My house was being treated by the exterminator so I could not go home. I am a single women and had no where to go to escape from the noise, lights and frustration of not being able to lie flat.

    I cried…and cried out to God…please help me!…they are so bad for me and they come without warning. As I type this, I feel it creeping up my neck and to the right side of my head and face. My face goes numb. Most times I vomit not giving the meds enough time to kick in and to get into my bloodstream so I find myself having to suffer through the pain without the aid of a pain reliever.

    Sometimes they are so bad even the touch of a pillow is too much to bear so I will have to be in a seated position in order to get through it. This is extremely difficult when vomiting as it takes every bit of strength to get thru the vomiting stage that you crave just to lie down.

    I feel robbed sometimes, as I sometimes think how much potential I have to do more things in my life but these headaches keep me from accomplishing anything. I could be down for days. I’ve had every known test done with no concrete diagnosis given. I’ve also had them since the age of around 16 or 17 and they seem to grow more intense as I age. I am now 49.

    The hardest part to endure is knowing anything at all can trigger it and the ones that wake you up are the worst of them all. You know the entire day will be spent in pain and fighting it. Sound, Stress, Light, Smell and even a thought have been known to trigger a migraine.

    Usually, I spend my time indoors. I use to be a nature lover and always on the go in some form or fashion. But now my quality of life is greatly diminished. When I shop, it’s usually late at night when the crowds are fewer and the noise is down to a respectable level. When at church, which seems to be the only thing I can enjoy and venture outside to do I must do with careful consideration. Last week, I sat too close to the speaker and the volume of the music and the message was almost to much to bear…once the migraine is birthed I must get home quickly.

    I have tried Imitrex and the like…I have Mitral Valve Prolapse and Imitrex is not good for my heart. Tylenol is the best I can do but with a migraine/cluster headache, it could take hours if not days to get real relief. I have taken narcotics for years and am grealty concerned for my organs especially liver. I also suffer from other health problems and was diagnosed with NHL in 2009. As a single person, any form of an illness is very hard and difficult to live with while meeting the challenges of everyday life…

    I pray God gives you comfort while in the midst of your pain. It is hard and we all have something that causes us pain. I try to find meaning and ask God’s grace to wash over me…When He brings me through them I am so grateful for His power and mercy…

    Nicole, this website is very inspiring for many. I found it while looking for comfort in my pain from a very dyfunctional family. Many who claim they are believers but their lives are certainly not a reflection of their admittance. I have days that are good and days that are bad while struggling with this pain. I ask God to show me his message and purpose in all of it?? But maybe it’s not for me to know just to trust in Him…



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