from the archives
I recently heard the story of a husband and wife who were separated from one another. They have a 4 year old daughter as well. They had been attending marriage counseling with their pastor.
After a number of counseling sessions, the pastor had come to a conclusion which he shared with the couple…
He advised the couple that perhaps their differences really were irreconcilable. Perhaps, he said, they should just split up. Some marriages can’t be salvaged. It would be better for the child if her parents were at least friends who got along than were married and disagreeing.
As I heard this story, anger washed over me.
How dare he? How dare a pastor tell a couple that their marriage isn’t fixable! How dare he strip their hope and future away from them with his careless and merciless words.
While it would be easy to stay angry at the pastor, he is not entirely to blame. The church as a whole is responsible. Many of us believe, including this pastor, that God is somehow not in the miracle business anymore. We have heard it taught and we convince ourselves that God has more important things to do than tend to Jack and Jane’s marriage.
There’s a massive earthquake, a couple of wars, and an economic crisis. God is busy. One or two marriages will inevitably slip through the cracks.
Or perhaps you think more like me. I tend to convince myself that God can fix, can heal, can provide, and can save everything and everyone but me. I have self- worth issues. My faith abounds for others and drops dead for myself.
The pastor however, who told that man and wife to give up, and all the pastors before him, and all those that will come after him have forgotten one important thing: We serve an all-powerful God.
Our God is the God of the Resurrection. He raised people from the dead and then He Himself was risen. He is the Resurrection…but we don’t think He can resurrect a marriage?
And it’s not just our marriages. It is our relationships, our emotions, our past, our wounds, our finances, our careers, our children, ourselves. We tell ourselves that somehow He couldn’t possibly care about the details of our lives. So we don’t ask Him. We don’t invite Him. We suffer and sink alone when, in fact, He can restore them all.
The question isn’t: “What can God resurrect,” but rather “What can’t He?” The answer: nothing.
Now the practice for me comes in not just proclaiming that I believe these things for others but rather also believing them for myself. God is faithful to remind me that He is a good Father who gives good gifts to His children. He cares. Heck, He not only loves me, He likes me.
And last I checked, His promises were still available to me…
Do you believe in the power of the Resurrection to save and restore? Have you seen it work? Are you ever guilty of forgetting His power as well? Where do you need God to breathe new life?
post photo by Bill Emory
Wow! This is amazing. Incredible to think a pastor would say that. But really astute to realize that often it’s our own devalued self-worth that leads to that conclusion.
Jennifer,
Agreed. When we stop being self-focused and start to focus on Christ, we do realize that we can’t do anything for our hopeless situation…but HE CAN.
Thanks for commenting.
I too am guilty of the same thing Nicole, but yet it is true our Father is an ALL POWERFUL LOVING DADDY TO US, who wants to come in and and rescue us from our lives, hurts, brokenness, and restore fellowship with HIM!!!! AND I FOR ONE HAVE SEEN HIS RESURRECTION TAKE PLACE AND HAVE HAD MIRACLES HAPPEN IN MY LIFE!!!! He is still a God of Miracles just as you said girl. :) Love reading your posts.
April,
Amen!
I think is so important for us to share our miracles with others. We need to be constantly reminded of God’s power and provision.
Great post, Nicole
Hey thanks John!
I gotta disagree with you Nicole. I agree that God hates divorce, and that He can and does work miracles.
As a pastor who has wrestled with this question for a long time, trust me, divorce is not even on the radar when I counsel people. I would ask a few more questions of the above mentioned pastor and his counseling of that couple before jumping to judgements and conclusions about him…
Was it an abusive situation?
Were kids being placed at risk?
We’re one or both involved in destructive addictions or consistent patterns of deception and betrayal?
But I think there are situations where the husband and wife staying together is actually more devastating to the family that for them to continue trying to work it out.
Don’t get me wrong, I would NEVER counsel the possibility of divorce … but thats just me personally.
I think if it is an abusive situation. If one of the spouses is physically/sexually abusive towards the other spouse or towards the kids on an ongoing basis, is it really healthy to continue in that marriage?
Thots?
Luke,
You said:
“But I think there are situations where the husband and wife staying together is actually more devastating to the family that for them to continue trying to work it out.
Don’t get me wrong, I would NEVER counsel the possibility of divorce … but thats just me personally.
I think if it is an abusive situation. If one of the spouses is physically/sexually abusive towards the other spouse or towards the kids on an ongoing basis, is it really healthy to continue in that marriage?”
———————–
You said you would NEVER counsel the possibility of divorce, yet in the next statements you paint a picture of divorce being the only logical option to horrific circumstances.
Are you answering your own question without taking responsibility for that answer?
Just curious. Not an accusation, but I am a bit confused here. Maybe I simply misread what you said and have failed to grasp it.
~Donald~
Let me rephrase… I’ve never been in the position of couseling someone going through an abusive situation, but right now I’m not sure I can honestly say that I would NEVER counsel someone to get a divorce. There are a few situations that have come to my attention that have caused me to revisit this question.
I think if there is a marriage in which there is ongoing physical/sexual abuse that is putting the kids in danger, I have a hard time saying that divorce is not an option…
All that to say, I’m somewhat undecided on this issue.
Luke,
Gotcha. Thanks for the clarification!
Luke,
You bring up some great points. Many of which I agree with. I wrote a post a while back asking if adultery should end a marriage. The comments that followed also addressed the issues of abuse, as well.
I cannot make a blanket statement for each and every marriage. I acknowledge that each marriage is filled with its own set of complexities, intricacies, and unique concerns. However, in the case of the couple I reference in this post–they were an average couple battling “typical” marriage issues like communication and expectations. There was no abuse, no adultery, no huge glaringly obvious sin. Yet, this pastor still instructed them to just “be friends” since that would be better for the kids. It breaks my heart.
Where was a message of hope or of Christ’s resurrecting power for this couple? They were willing to fight, this pastor, sadly, was not.
In this particular situation I totally agree with you. Divorce should be out of the question completely in most situations, and shame on this guy for not encouraging them to fight through it at all costs.
However, abusive situations are another story. I’d say that falls under the category of “marital unfaithfulness.”
Would you agree with me then, in saying that there are situations in which divorce is the best choice?
Luke,
I was very interested to see the responses to your comment, and have been thinking about what you posted for a good portion of my day on and off. It’s difficult because I don’t believe that divorce ever is the “best” choice in the way that matters most. I think oftentimes, it is by far the most understandable choice, but never the best. Of course, it’s important to define the “best” decision, as a Christian, I feel, as what is most God honoring in any stiuation. If we’re talking from a pratical, individual, American mindset, maybe it’s the “best” option in terms of at the very least short term physical/mental health and well-being. But I believe that the path God lays before us is hardly about either of those, but rather about honoring Him. Redemption in situations most beautifully manifests itself when there is an individual in the middle of conflict who acts out of love and not out of personal interest. Now in that, I’m not saying that an abused wife, for instance, should stay in the house with her abusive husband waiting to be beaten every night. What I am saying is that every option should be explored, with special emphasis on involving the community of believers that are closest to said couple, before divorce is even put on the table. I believe that if a community of believers came around a couple in that situation, and there was grace and humility expressed alongside an intervention of sorts, change could happen. We have the power, as people who host the very spirit of God, to miraculously call forth what is at the core of another broken Christian (Christ), even if there is a lot of crap burying it.
We must be careful to use our words cautiously. Even in abusive situations, there is posibility for redemption, growth, and renewal. It saddens me, though, because since America tends to be so individualistic, very often there aren’t individuals who are deeply invested enough in the lives of others around them to reach into there lives in an impactful way in such a messy, dark, painful situation. I think THAT’s why we go so quickly to divorce. Not because it’s the best choice. But because it is the most easily accessible, and the most practical, especially in really deep, troubling times. And because said decision can be executed by yourself. to be continually beaten
The “to be continually beaten” at the end of my spiel was definitely a typo. Probably the most jarring typo I’ve ever made, in fact. No one’s perfect I suppose.
No worries Josh. I knew what you meant.
I agree…its never the best choice.
I also agree that you should explore every other option before ever putting it on the table.
Sadly, however, I think in certain situations divorce is the only choice left.
Josh,
A truly perfect answer. I couldn’t have said it any better. You hit on every point I would have made and captured my heart on this subject.
Luke,
I think the response Josh gave is exactly right on. I wouldn’t add a thing.
I LOVE IT! And I fully agree. Always so easy to give up rather than keep going. It’s past the storm. Thanks for the valuable reminder. :)
Angela,
So true..God’s provision is not guaranteed to come in the middle of the storm. He promises to be with us through the storm.
Great post Nicole. All I can say is Amen…and if the pastor can no longer lead the flock back to the great Restorer, may he’s the one who should quit.
Dee Dee,
Well said…
Wow, touchy subject!
I wrote a lengthy response, detailing my own story in regard to this question. Sometimes, however, lengthy explanations are written more for the benefit of the person doing the writing – more so than for sharing with others.
The short answer is that God can resurrect anything! When human will gets involved, however, it does become more challenging, even for God.
I have heard of other pastors who reached similar conclusions in similar situations. I have also seen pastors who were far more concerned with keeping marriages together at all costs – in seeming disregard of the actual health of said marriage. (In other words, shut up, grin, and bear it – you’re stuck!)
Personally, I think God has some great solutions for marriages, but I think perhaps that in order to implement them, we may need to do some serious re-thinking about how we as Christians view the concept of marriage. I suspect that we have allowed Christian marriage to become defined more by modern influences, secular influences, feminist influences, etc., to a point where Christian marriages are really no better off than anyone else’s marriages – thus perhaps necessitating a major retooling of our understanding of marriage to re-sync our implementation of marriage to be within God’s specifications.
In other words, instead of merely expecting God to just keep fixing our mess, maybe we need to go back farther and fix things on a more foundational level.
Nicole,
You said:
“And last I checked, His promises were still available to me…”
Amen, indeed! I would add:
He is still much in the miracle business and is still taking requests. :)
This was a difficult post to not become angry over. My first wife divorced me due to her adultery, (She later married the guy she was cheating with and then they got divorced. Can you smell that? It’s the smell of vindication.), and I had often wondered aloud, “I know it’s not a question of CAN You do something, it is a question of WILL You do that something?”
Was my divorce part of God’s will for me? Hmmm. I begged Him to not let it happen and for reconciliation, but….well, we see how that turned out. I think it is more of a Romans 8:28 example.
Donald,
I’m so sorry that happened. I’m sorry you suffered that loss.
This is a complex issue. I love your questions though: it’s not CAN God do something, but rather WILL He do something? Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, we are only responsible for our own actions. We cannot, try as we may like, control our spouses actions.
I agree too, that this is when Romans 8:28 can lend some comfort. I also think of Joseph saying “you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.”
There are no text book answers here, that’s for sure. Thank you Donald for sharing. I appreciate it more than you know.
It is directly because of this former situation wherein my Father did NOT do as I had hoped He would do, that led me to walk in His total, complete, and inescapable Sovereignty. His version of what is good is vastly different from mine, because I can only see the moment I am in, while He IS the moment I am in, and the moment one second later, and so on and so on. (Yeah, that would preach.)
Now, years later, I no longer approach Him as some helpless and scared child. I approach Him boldly, with purpose, and with focus. It has been a blessing.
I believe in the miraculous power of God, Nicole! But I also think God requires our belief in His powers to actively work in our lives. I use to struggle like you too; I didn’t think God would work in my life, because I didn’t deserve it. But the last few years life has had it’s fair share of struggles and I’ve had no choice but to put my full trust in the Lord. I have seen Him work miracles in my life, I have seen and felt God’s power in my life. I have learned the hard way to put my trust in the Lord and no earthly institution. Interestingly enough, even with the struggles and challenges because of God’s presence and blessings, I would say the last few years have been great! I’m sure looking from the outside in it doesn’t always look so great, but my life has continually been filled with joy and grace.
This was a great post, Nicole. It upsets me too that a pastor would tell a couple to call it quits. I’m not one to judge divorce because I don’t know the entire story, but I think if we claim to trust God we should really start actually trusting Him, even when things look like they are going to crap.
I am in the position at this point where, I really wish I had a pastor to tell me I’m ok to divorce. I didn’t read all the responses (but some, several) and I do agree that divorce shouldn’t be an option for those normal couples.
However, in my experiences with church (and you and I know they stunk) it’s been the opposite. Divorce is NEVER an option. My 1st husband left me. He LEFT ME. I didn’t get a choice and I was made to feel like I did it wrong.
This time around, I’m choosing to get out but the guilt is eating me alive. For, there is abuse. I actually have been avoiding your blog — sometimes, you don’t wanna see what you know is true, and I LOVE your blog but it hits too close sometimes. That’s, btw, a major testament to you, NOT against you !! But I came here today seeking peace, because there is none to be found within my soul — yet. I’m actually SCARED to open myself up to God because, I don’t want to be yelled at. I’ve been taught that I failed, I did it wrong, ect. I don’t want to feel that way for doing what I had to do to save my life, my children’s lives, to be normal.
What is normal anyhow? I say that all the time. But normal is NOT having him stomp out on me in a fit of rage because I cried, and then harrass me with nasty words and phone calls. Normal is definately not having to call the cops to get him away from me, our 4 children, and my house full of guests. (and since I’m on a rant, could SOME BODY PLEASE change the DV laws so I don’t have to wait until he attempts to KILL ME to have him arrested?!:?!?! yes, seriously, they could not arrest him even though he was harrassing and frightening me, because he hasn’t TRIED to kill me. Screw that).
So, yeah. Divorce is absolutely an option sometimes. But never, ever in normal situations … !!
One day, I will figure out why your blog draws me in and makes me spill my soul to you (and your readers although as a whole, I forget they are around when I am writing and respond only to you, LOL!!!) for no reason. Until then, I’ll just keep on spilling and soothing. Maybe it’s because I feel better once I know you’re praying for this messed up crazy situation that tears at me. I don’t know how to talk to God about it anymore, I just don’t. So you do the talking, and I’ll do the crying, and somewhere in there maybe God will see fit to help me (us, my children, my family, even him) heal. As long as he heals far, far away from me, because I’m over being terrified he’s going to ram his truck into my vehicle or my house, being pinned in my neighborhood because he’s parking on my street, not letting my kids play in the back. Over it.
Ade
Ade,
I am so glad you commented. I have been thinking about you every day. Last night, no joke, I was laying in bed wondering about you and praying for you.
I am so very sorry and grieved to hear what has been taking place. I’m not going to give you some theological answer about divorce. You know what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. God knows what you need to do, as well.
I’m sorry you feel alone and unable to seek refuge. I know it doesn’t mean much, but I hope you do know that I will continue to faithfully cry out to God on your behalf.
love you friend.
Thanks to Don below there, for proving my point for me. Crap like that is what I keep hearing from the *people of God*. I didn’t do ANYTHING to be abused for. I’m not perfect. I’m probably not even a good wife. I am not, however, going to accept that anything I did is cause for abuse and grounds for staying inside a marriage where it occurs. God knows I tried, and I stayed for 2 1/2 YEARS inside this marriage even after cheating, abuse and being left occured repeatedly, but he’s just sick and I quit. God will just have to understand.
Will it hurt? Yes. I spend 20 hours a day feeling like I’m being ripped to shreds, and of course I don’t expect that to get better. But you know what? Abuse was worse. WORSE.
I’m not a victim though. I don’t pretend to be one or confuse myself as one, and you know why?
Because I got gone. I’m not a victim, I’m a strong powerful woman who did whatever I needed to to protect us.
Ade,
I just read your comment and I feel the need to share my story with you, maybe you can draw some sort of comfort from it. My Mom left my dad two years ago, and parents divorced about a year and a half ago because of abuse. I am 24 years old right now and am the oldest of my siblings but I was still very much caught in the abuse and didn’t know how to get out nor did my Mom. But God showed us a way and by my Mom leaving my dad, while it was scary for a while afterwards because of what he might do. We worried about the same things as you are, and lived in fear for the first year or so, I now know what freedom from abuse is like. And I also know what it is to be loved by a Heavenly Father, I have found freedom in Christ, and am a stronger woman because of my past. It does not define me, but rather is a part of me that makes me better. While I know some who would disagree with what I am saying in going as far as divorce, I say do what you need to for you and your children to protect them, God can still work in the middle of that. After all, HE IS ALL POWERFUL, AND NOTHING IS EVER BEYOND HIM. I know how hard it may be to trust HIM right now after you have been so deeply hurt, Ade dear sweet Ade, pour that hurt out to HIM let HIM restore you, and give you freedom to live life abundantly. Know you and your children are in my prayers,
April
Okay… a buddy of mine and I were dialoging about this (we were both in the same Christian Ethics class in college) and he articulated this problem well. I’m just going to copy and paste what he said:
One of the glaring problems with anyone’s view of this is that it is inevitably tainted by each persons autobiography (including my own) Furthermore, determining the answer to this question cannot be determined by the examination of a few passages of Scripture with a word study here or there, committing the etymological fallacy to prove one’s point. Just as in Scripture “context is king” so in life. Ethical decisions are not made in the world of black and white.
What is more fundamental to this discussion, before one starts examining his beliefs is his view of Christian ethics. So many of these responses talk PAST one another precisely because the entries are approaching from conflicting ethical paradigms.
It sounds like a good deal of the people who have chimmed in are Non-Conflicting Absolutists–meaning they believe that God’s commands NEVER conflict. For these people, there is never an appropriate time for divorce because, as has been eisegeted up to this point but not explicitely referenced or examined, Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce,” declares the Lord. Since this passage exists, the conversation is over for these people. Then they look to Matthew 5 and 19 and Mark 10 and exegete those passages hoping to incorporate the “exception” clauses into their nonconflicting framework. Somehow, for these people, at the end of the day, they are ok with the blanket statement that divorce is never permissible. Yet, there are bizarre passages where God commands Israelites to divorce their spouses who are of other nationalities. Sadly, for too many Christians these passages that come from the same Old Testament so eagerly cited for “God hates divorce,” are quickly excused as archaic, contextual, inapplicable to today’s culture and unnecessarily considered in this discussion.
Then there are those who have responded that are Graded Absolutists. For these people who have been responding, their Paradigm with Christian ethics is that God’s commands DO, at times, conflict and are necessarily graded–meaning there are commands that should be esteemed above others.
For instance, a human life is more valuable than lying so when a Nazi SS came to confiscate Jews, it was preferable to God that one lie to save a human life than to tell the truth and leave the Jew to a horrific, torturous death.
Interestingly, the author of Hebrews credits many acts as faithful acts that simultaneously break one of God’s laws while upholding others. Rehab is considered to exhibit extraordinary faith by hiding the spies and lying about their whereabouts. Moses parents hid him and lied about his existance and this is credited to them as faithfulness. For the Graded Absolutist, these kinds of passages lead him to conclude that Christian ethics is rarely (if ever) black and white. Bonhoeffer referred to this as situational ethics.
So what does this have to do with a debate about whether a pastor should counsel a couple to divorce or not? If you don’t identify the ethical paradigms from which you and your opponents are operating, you will continually talk past one another with vaccuous arguments about this passage or that. Moreover, it is a disservice to the severity of this question to merely look at the passages concerning divorce and disregard the rest of Scripture that has a lot to say about this issue intrinsically, even if not explicitly stated. Our friends, family, and congregants deserve more from us than lazy interpretation of a few passages synthesized into a doctrinal imperative.
And a disclaimer. The “ideal world” argument is a work in futility. We do not live in an ideal world and consequently cannot apply these ideal standards to our broken reality. Women can and do get raped. Children are being molested by fathers and step-fathers. Women are being beaten, strangled, and broken by their husbands. These husbands are your neighbors. They are monetarily rich AND poor.
This is not to say that our reality determines the validity of the commands of God. It’s simply to say that these evils exist and that when one considers the whole of Scripture, it becomes increasingly difficult to conflate the God we see in the Scriptures with the one presented in these posts.
For starters, how does one reconcile the central theme of the prophets (and Jesus when he cites Isaiah 61)? God repeatedly condemns Israel, “Is this not the sacrifice I desire? To free the oppressed, clothe the naked, feed the poor, take care of the widow and the orphan?” (cf. Is. 1, 58; Jer. 7)
Consider God’s condemnation of Israel’s fasting and His subsequent preference, “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?” (Is. 58:6-7)
How does one reconcile God’s heart here with the view that a woman who’s being beaten in her marriage and whose children are being raped should never divorce her husband but should stay with him? Are not the beaten wife and molested child the very ones of whom God’s commanding Israel (and consequently us) to fight FOR? Should they not be broken free from the chains of injustice? How are we setting the oppressed free by condemning the oppressed to stay with the oppressor? And does “forgiveness” require that one stay in contact with the forgiven? Does “love your enemy” necessitate proximity to the enemy?
This passage in Isaiah is one of many, many, passages throughout the Bible, including out of the very mouth of Christ declaring his mission, that promulgates the heart of God as being one who fights against injustice; who (quite literally) sets the captive free. For God, the captive is not merely spiritually so, she may (and often is) be physically captive as well, and he came to set that free too. It is unacceptable, in God’s eyes, to make the perpetrator the victim (i.e. A victim because his wife might divorce him) while strapping the yoke of slavery to the victim and binding her to her violator.
It seems that, in order to adequately answer this question, issues such as these need to be addressed. Again, it is not black and white. One must go beyond the passages that contain the word “divorce” in them and look at the God who stepped into human history and ask, “What did he say and do?” Jesus quoted Isaiah 61 in reference to himself, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed.” (Luke 4:18) It would do violence to the text to relegate Jesus profound calling to merely spiritual defeat of oppression. It seems apparent from his ministry and the entirety of the Old Testament that he quite literally meant liberation of oppressed peoples, including those who are captive to violent spouses.
Wow!!! What a response. I’m so glad I read the comments through the very last one. Thank your friend for me Luke!!!! My perspective has changed, I think. I like the “talking past” vs. “talking at” comment. . .wow, we all do that, don’t we?
***Warning! This post will be offensive to many.***
Amazing! So many responses about this genuinely difficult topic, but not one quoting Jesus when He was asked about divorce. Read Matthew 19 and listen to what the Son of God said about marriage and divorce. The Pharisees presented the debate at that time: “is it okay to divorce for any reason?” …or do you need a really good reason? Jesus rejected the premise altogether. He said plainly that there should be no divorce at all, because that is man seeking to undo the work of God. Period. His blunt response shocked His disciples, who had also been persuaded according to the ways of man.
Fifty years ago, the church in America rejected divorce almost entirely. Until that time, the national divorce rate had been steady at about three percent. The sixties came with a social revolution that has poisoned our society irreparably unless we get a miracle from God. The lies of those days have permeated into the media, our educational system, our laws, and even into the church. We have been compromised.
We have all been victims in one way or another sometime in life. Because of the pain we have endured in such situations, our hearts go out to those whom we consider to be victims, and this is a proper response. But it also can lead us into dangerous, naive, and ungodly perspectives, attitudes, and counsel.
No one wants to say, “it takes two to tango” to someone whose marriage is falling apart. But so often when relationships turn bad, we can only see the wrong done to us and turn a blind eye to our own unrighteousness in the matter. There are rare situations where just one spouse has gone off the deep end for no reason whatsoever, but that is not the case in most instances. /Ouch!/ This is one of the main reasons that second marriages fail at a great rate. The spouse who considered him/herself the victim does not see their own contribution to the death of the marriage, and repeating their old behavior, they drive away yet another mate.
I was abused in my youth by my father. I did nothing to deserve the treatment I received. But that does not mean that I didn’t have my own areas of sin against him. The Lord revealed to me that sitting next to the innumerable sins my father had committed sat a short list of my own sins against him. I needed to humble myself and ask his forgiveness for my sins. Guess what? He admitted his sins against me, and we were reconciled. Miracle, or obedience?
I have seen numerous couples restored in their marriages. This MR post asked us about resurrection, and I have seen it happen many times. But before resurrection happens, we need to come to a cross, the place where we die to self, and that is a place that many nice church-going people refuse to go. But all true followers of Jesus Christ must go to the cross, not seeking to justify their choices in life, but giving ourselves and our sins entirely to Him and seeking the miracle of new life in Christ.
There’s a reason many of us got mad when we read about the pastor’s counsel. It’s called righteous anger, like when Jesus made a whip for the moneychangers in the temple. Do you think Jesus would ever counsel a couple to get a divorce? Read Matthew 19 again before you give an answer you wish for, from your heart, instead of the answer you know to be true in your mind.
A loving God made marriage permanent, so don’t think that the same God will make divorce easy for us. He hates divorce, so let’s get on His page instead of trying to get Him to agree with us.
Donald, you always have something good to say and I generally am on the same page as you. In Mat. 19 Jesus talks about man’s hearts being hard. . .isn’t that where we are now? Hardened hearts against the Word (even, probably, in the pulpit) that we are right back to where Moses was? True, Jesus hates divorce but He loves man more. Anything can be resurrected. . .He makes Good even out of our worst mistakes. That’s why, sometimes, there is healing after divorce. When my father was going through marital counseling with my stepmom one of them shared this with me: man-woman-God is a triangle with God at the top point. Instead of man and woman trying to draw together, they should draw themselves closer to the Lord. As they do that, they will naturally come closer together (at the point).
We have to look at this discussion as people who truly want to do everything they can before resorting to divorce. . .sadly, many people do not want to put any work into it and divorce is the “easiest” option. Yes, even Christians. We, as American Christians, have GOT to stop looking for the easiest route, the easiest way out and start putting some work and effort into our relationships — stop allowing the “world” to raise our children, rate our marriages, and telling us how to have “fun”!
Jesus’ comment about the hardness of hearts is not a seasonal gauge of when divorce should be permitted. It is a recognition and condemnation of attitudes that had become so evil that a married man cared only about himself and his own carnal desires so much that he would throw his wife to the wolves, so to speak, without any concern for her welfare. Yes, these days have become like that. People don’t get what they want in marriage, men compare their wives with the hot babes on the internet and think they should have something more exciting in bed, and become dissatisfied and start looking for something better. This is evil and not to be accepted as the norm. We should hate it the same way God does.
Yes, God does heal after divorce, but not completely. Scars still remain. Listen to Donald’s comment above, the cry of vindication. God’s grace has given him much healing, but hurt still lingers, even into a subsequent marriage.
People who are hurting in marriage think that divorce is the best exit, but Jesus warned us that divorce is tearing flesh apart, which is extremely painful. God heals, but scars remain after self-inflicted wounds.
Let this sad condition of our world provide a warning to those considering marriage. You had better really know for sure who you are planning to marry, because the pain of divorce is far greater than you ever would expect if you listen to the voices in our society today.