“I’m participating in a blog series hosted by Ally Spotts called Confessions of a 20-Something Christian, where 20-Somethings get honest about their lives, loves and regrets. My confession is…
I had sex long before marriage. And here’s why…
Unfortunately, one of the defining characteristics of Christians (as defined by other Christians, of course) is that we remain virgins until marriage.
Heck, that alone explains why so many Christians get married young–they can’t wait to have sex. But then there’s me.
I didn’t wait until marriage because no one told me not to. Sounds a bit over-simplified, I know, but it’s the truth. I did not grow up hearing “Don’t have sex.” I was told about the mechanics of sex at any early age and then told to use protection when I was older.
The saddest part, is that I never actually wanted to have sex. I didn’t become a Christian until I was almost 17 and by then I’d already lost my virginity.
All along the way though, I never felt right about sex. I always had a feeling that what I was doing something wrong, dirty, or shameful. I went along with it because, well, it’s what all the cool kids were doing…
No, that’s a lie. It’s not what all the cool kids were doing. I had sex because I was looking for something…I was a cliche. I was a girl with an absent father and a strained relationship with her stepfather. I was a girl desperate for affection, love, and acceptance. And instead of knowing how to find those things in healthy ways, I sought out physical relationships to fill the void.
I had daddy issues which resulted in promiscuity and eventual heartache. All I wanted was for someone to say to me “Nicole, you know you don’t have to do this. It’s okay to stop.” And then I met Jesus. He gave me permission to say “No.”
I know now why God tells us to wait. I know why it is important that Christians be defined as pure and holy, not because other believers set up some man-made guidelines of sexual purity, but because God calls us to be holy as He is holy.
I know now how much sex outside of marriage–before marriage–can affect sex within marriage. We are not meant to physically share ourselves with anyone but our spouse because in doing so we create emotional bonds that are not so easily broken.
But here is what else I know–God forgives. The moment I asked for His forgiveness I was washed white as snow. I was a virgin in His eyes. No shame. No guilt. No condemnation. I was free to stop sinning. I was empowered to stop sinning.
The fact that I had sex before marriage could count against me in the “Perfect Christian” awards, but I see it a just another overwhelming and humbling expression of God’s grace and redemption. I don’t have the neat and tidy testimony, free of sin and shame, but I do have a God who redeemed my story and made it His own.
I confess: I didn’t wait until marriage, but God never stopped waiting for me…and never will.
What is your confession? Do you share mine? There is no judgment and no condemnation here. Feel free to share as openly and honestly as you’d like. Jump over to Ally’s blog to read more confessions, as well.
Thanks for sharing so openly. I read, I think it was James Dobson, that “Girls give sex to get love and Boys give love to get sex.” For both it seems it’s a means to an end.
As for “I don’t have the neat and tidy testimony, free of sin and shame…,” that’s what testimony is all about, it’s the “before and after” evidence of a life with Him.
Awesome story! Thanks for sharing.
As for me, even though I also had a secular upbringing and didn’t become a Christian until I was 17, I still had my v-card. I wasn’t very lucky with the ladies back then. :/
BTW, did you get my email about the SB podcast?
Thanks for sharing this. This is my story, too, except I was 20 and my then-boyfriend was 22. We were both virgins. We had been dating for three years and have been married for three years this summer. It has affected our marriage, but I am thankful because things could have been a lot worse.
I grew up being encouraged to have sex.. I mean, what other way was there to really “try out” someone before you marry them? When I was 13 or 14, my parents sat me down and told me if I ever thought I’d want to have sex, they’d get me protection. Funny thing is, it had the opposite effect. I wanted to wait until marriage. WE wanted to wait.
God has restored our relationship and saved us from being a statistic. We’ve done a lot of long distance… five out of the eight years we’ve been together. We didn’t anticipate the two years we were recently apart (military), and at first I thought it was some sort of punishment for the years we sinned before marriage. So thankful our God doesn’t work in that way! Romans 8:1 has been my verse.
I wish more Christians would be open and honest instead of pretending like we have it all together.
Elizabeth,
Thank you for sharing your story here. Wow. So powerful. I hope you know the power in what you shared–in God redeeming you both in marriage. It doesn’t always happen for some couples who have sex before marriage, but God can do it. I hope you continue people about what God can and has done.
I finally came clean with it on my blog in my testimony section. Our families both knew (they’re not Christian; had no problem with our “sleepovers”) and close friends knew. The crazy thing is, no one said anything to us about it. Our premarital counseling involved none of the tough questions. I’m not blaming anyone else for our sin, but I wish someone would have spoken up. God is the Redeemer! We’ve faced so many trials in our eight years together… if we had lived as in the world, we wouldn’t even be together right now.
Grace, grace, marvelous grace…grace that will pardon and cleanse…within!
Such a great post. Thank you for your candor.
Thanks Jennifer! I appreciate that!
You’re so brave! I didn’t wait, either, but my husband did. I felt like a jerk for that, but he’s so sweet—he doesn’t even remember unless I remind him (which, of course, I don’t do). The guy I slept with dumped me two weeks later. So. Awesome.
My husband was a virgin too. It’s a weird combo for us at times, not as much now as when we were first married. So sorry about the two weeks later dumping! So sucky. But, as I’m sure you know, it’s now part of your story…and He is doing the writing.
I have never ‘gone all the way’ with a guy but I’ve definitely gone further than I should have… I mean, I didn’t totally want to but I too had that horrible void in my heart from a volatile relationship with my dad. I thought that by saying yes, that I’d somehow receive the affection that I desperately craved. Funnily enough, it didn’t. It has just left me feeling dirty and spoilt and unworthy of any future husband.
I know God has forgiven me and I try to hold on to that. However, I dread confessing about this to any future boyfriend(s). How can I? When do I? I just don’t know. Sometimes I would rather write myself off as a potential bride but that’s just silly and a bit of a hyperbolic reaction.
I’ve been forgiven of the sin, I’m just learning to deal with the consequence… which thankfully God will help me deal with.
“God never stopped waiting for me…and never will” – thank God for that! :)
Grace,
You are forgiven! Don’t let the enemy convince you otherwise or trick you into thinking that God isn’t bigger than your past sin. The Lord will give you the courage and the peace to share whatever needs to be shared when the time comes. More than that, your future husband will love you and cherish you no matter what stumbling there might be in your past. My husband does and did. God has a beautiful way of redeeming and restoring us…wait and see.
Grace, I just want to encourage you — I had similar fears about confessing all to my husband when we were dating. At one point we had “the conversation” that inevitably occurs about past experience. I was amazed at Eric’s compassion. He wept, not with anger, but with sorrow over the way boys had treated me in the past and the tragedy that I felt like I had to compromise myself to make them happy. He showed so much grace and love in that moment. The right man will respond in this way to you, too. Rest in your forgiveness, sister. And whatever you do, don’t settle for a man who’s living in sin because you feel you don’t deserve better. You don’t deserve it — but our God does NOT operate that way.
Hi – I have a question about your conversation. If you get this message, and if it is not too late as this post was written a few years ago now, I would like to ask about what exactly you shared. I have the same fears and want to know.
Awesome post, Nicole. You’ve got guts. :) Seriously, Christians make such a thing of sex that either way you go, things get messy.
Matt, so true. We get the topic of sex so backwards sometimes. I was glad to be a part of the series and share my story. Thanks for the encouragement!
Thanks for sharing! The fact that Jesus waits for US is powerful.
Amen Caitlin. No matter our situation..His perseverance and the fact that He waits and even pursues us is powerful.
Great post! My curiosity has peaked regarding your site. I’m certain that I’m going to appreciate what you have to say.
Nice to meet you!
Tatum, nice to “meet” you, as well. Hope to see more of you. Blessings.
Thanks for your honesty and sharing
Thanks Kyle. I was glad to be a part.
Thanks for your honesty.
“I confess: I didn’t wait until marriage, but God never stopped waiting for me…and never will.”
Those words are amazing. God never stops waiting on us. Love it.
Thanks Justin for reading and commenting.
I didn’t wait either. My reasoning was straight stupid – everyone else I knew had done it, why not get it over with. Until I met the love of my life 3 1/2 years ago at age 37, I had the worst history and emotional problems with women. I blame my lack of Faith i myself and my convictions. I am open and honest with my teenage daughter about this information. She’s 15, has a “friend who is a boy” and faces pressure every day. I don’t dictate how she should behave, I simply tell her what is expected, what God has for her if she does, and she seems to “get” it.
Thank you for such a raw, honest column to read. This is what blogging is supposed to be.
This is a beautiful testimony to the power and grace that we receive when we turn to God.
i actualy have a question. >.<… email me o: ihope to get some help /;..
I love that word picture of God always waiting. Thank you, Nicole.
Thanks for reading and commenting Jeff! Blessings.
I think waiting for marriage is incredibly stupid. I waited 26 years, prayed for it, went to church, tithed, did all the required crap and believed that God would bless you or whatever. Not that I did it with the intention of getting blessed; I did it because I sincerely believed in the Bible and believed all that true faith shows actions. And what did I get? Twisted psycho Christian parents that constantly insinuated that I was a LESBIAN because I wasn’t ever in any long term relationships with guys because I was waiting for the right one and my parents thought it would be a good idea to move around a lot. Because you know. moving around a lot allows your children to build up trust and get involved in a relationship. Then after repeatedly putting me down for depression, insinuating I was a lesbian, my parents thought it would be best to kick me out of the house because I purchased a tube of lipstick that my parents felt was too pricey when I was still living with them (even though I had TRIED to move out repeatedly and my mom always insisted I’d never make it on my own and I’d come crawling back to her on my knees). And I guess at 26 if you purchase a 12 dollar tube of lipstick that requires your parents kicking you out if you’re a Christian. I guess that’s somewhere in the Bible and I must have missed that verse!
So I figured what the hell? I’ve been good all my life. I mean my parents couldn’t have prayed for a more obedient, parent-pleasing child and God certainly wasn’t providing me with anyone. So I had sex. And since my parents always made me feel like what I wanted was worthless or “not in God’s will ” (because you know, having dreams of being a teacher and missionary are just awful. I might as well have aspired to be a stripper!!), why shouldn’t the first guy I have sex with treat me like I’m just some kind of sex toy? So now I get to go see a therapist and just want to go out to a bar and have sex with whomever, since it’s obviously not special anymore according to Christianity and since I’ve been sexually repressed and starved for years. I swear, “don’t get married young” “don’t have sex until marriage” “don’t don’t don’t” Jeeeze, the bible might as well have been written for a bunch of freakin’ androids. Good riddance to it.
And people in the deep South are the WORST kind of Christians. Always whispering behind someone’s back that she MUST be a lesbian just because she hasn’t been married or in a serious relationship. It’d be one thing if I looked butch or something but I don’t! And never have! Never mind being unfortunate enough to have a father in the military always moving around so never able to establish a solid support system of friends.
Also, as a teenager, you’re able to rebound quicker and not let it bring you down as much. When you’re an adult in your mid to late 20s, it takes a lot longer to get over it. And it’s even worse because everyone around you is constantly telling you what you’re missing out or how they can’t believe you’ve been waiting for so long or what are you thinking? Even by other supposed Christians. I’m beginning to think NOBODY actually takes the Bible seriously until after they’ve actually had their fun and then want to be all, “O God, I’m so sorry for all the wrongs, blah blah blah” Oh Wow, God changed my life after that prayer! Well, I guess you grow up in, God just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you!
@Katie
Wow, I feel sympathy for the problems you indicate you endured. Unfortunately, I am not a perfect reflection of God, and will never be in this life. What is worse is that sometimes I did not even try. Even in those situations, I claimed to be a Christ-follower, but it was more accurate to say a self-follower. Or if we are being really blunt, a follower of Satan; my rebellion against God is pretty similar to Satan’s rebellion.
I hope you are able to pray to God about the past. Be blunt and honest! You will not surprise God. You may like to read Matthew 15 and Matthew 23. Jesus had some pretty interesting words for the “religious-looking people”. Pretty harsh too.
Thank you for sharing this. I also believe in what you said, “But here is what else I know–God forgives. The moment I asked for His forgiveness I was washed white as snow. I was a virgin in His eyes. No shame. No guilt. No condemnation. I was free to stop sinning. I was empowered to stop sinning.”
However, these past few months i have been close with this one guy who i think might be my future husband. He asked me whether or not i am still a virgin, right away i answered him no, due to my believe in God how he has forgiven my sin and that in His eyes i am a virgin. Here i am now feeling guilty thinking that i have told him a lie. My question is should i tell him the truth about my past? How i am not a virgin anymore? Or does that not matter anymore since i have confess and repent and committed not to do it anymore until marriage? I have been wondering whether this is just a way of devil trying to crawl back into my life and is trying to condemn me for what i have done or i need to come clean to him.
Please, give me a Godly solution as to my situation..