30 Things You Never Want to Hear Your Significant Other Say

It’s the first Wednesday of the new year, which means today I’m writing about my two favorite people: Men and Women. The blogosphere is all abuzz with the new Mark Driscoll book, Real Marriage. I thought I ‘d respond to some of the critics and supporters of the book, but alas, I decided to write something fun instead.

The following is a list of things you never want to hear your boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse say to you. We’ve all heard them too–the lame line that lingered in our minds. The mortifying comment we never shared with another soul. Perhaps you’ve even said some of these yourself. Disclaimer: Some of these comments are marriage specific, i.e. they deal with sex, so hopefully your boyfriend or girlfriend wouldn’t be saying those things to you in the first place.

So let the unsavory, rude, embarrassing, and plain old selfish comments begin:1. Umm…we need to talk

2. Remember that boyfriend/girlfriend from high school/college? Well I ran into them last night…

3. It’s not me. It’s you.

4. I never liked your mother.

5. What exactly does the word “vow” mean to you because I think I may have a different definition?

6. So, about last night…

7. I actually lost my job three weeks ago and I’ve been going to _______ everyday since then.

8. Love is never having to say you are sorry.

9. I find monogamy to be over-rated.

10. You look a lot less fat in that outfit.

11. Mmmm…thanks. (After you say “I love you”)

12. I’m going on a walk about (Can I get some Crocodile Dundee love?)

13. I’ve got to do some “soul searching”

14. We can still be friends.

15. I’m not sure if I ever loved you.

16. I can’t be with because you are just too good for me.

17. I’m still figuring out who I am.

18. I’m still friends with all my exes.

19. I’m moving to Antarctica and want to know if you’ll join me?

20. I’m becoming a raw vegan and want to know if you’ll join me?

21. I’m joining the circus to pursue my life long dream of becoming a tight rope walker and want to know if you’ll join me?

22. [To a woman] It’s just like a diamond. They call it a “Cubic Zirconia.”

23. [To a man] I guess I’ve been looking for a man who reminds me of my mother.

24. See that thing growing on my back? What do you think that is?

25. [Upon exiting the bathroom] Come here, smell this.

26. I’m not in the mood. Again.

27. We were on a break. (Thank you Ross and Rachel)

28. [To a man] Do you think I’m prettier than Charlize Theron?

29. You never do ____ anymore.

30. We should see other people.

So go ahead, let’s hear it. What would you add to the list? What is the worst thing a significant other has ever said to you? You can of course remain anonymous…


23 thoughts on “30 Things You Never Want to Hear Your Significant Other Say”

    1. Travis, sadly I think this phrase has been spoken all too often by unmarried folks. If I weren’t married and heard those words, I’d be scared out of my mind. Thankfully, marriage makes broken condoms a lot less freaky.

  1. “I believe you… in my own way.”

    “I’ve been talking with [ex-girlfriend who cheated with his best friend], and we are getting back together.”

    “I panhandled so I could buy you these roses.”

    “I signed this love letter with my own blood.”

    “I’m right about everything, so shut up and stop arguing with me.” (paraphrased)

    Yeah, I dated some real winners. :-/ But I’ve been married to a good man for more than a decade now! It was kind of funny to look back at the past and be reminded just how good my husband is. :-)

    1. Michelle, are you telling me you actually had people say these things to you? If so, holy crud! I’m so glad you have a good man now who doesn’t need to beg for change or write in blood.

  2. “Heinous.” (in response to “How was the salad I made?”)
    “Want to go on a date…I’ve got a coupon!”
    Silence when asked “Do you ever think about me during the day?”

    PS The fields aren’t labelled anymore so it gives me an error, but I don’t know where to put what information.

  3. “That’s not how my mom makes it.”
    “Can’t you just pretend I don’t ________ while we are at my parents’ house?”

    Things said to me at some point by my husband of 12 years. (don’t worry, I’ve forgiven him)
    Oy vey *facepalm*

  4. My ex-husband:

    At a sports game: Is it alright if I go say hi to (ex-girlfriend from out of town)?

    Friend of hubby regarding marriage: “Ball and chain!” Hubby’s reaction: Snicker
    I swear I am glad that God woke me up after he left our marriage.

  5. “I’ll NEVER cheat on you… with another WOMAN.”
    said by a guy to his g/f… but he left it open to cheat on her with a guy… which he eventually did.

  6. “I’ve been hanging/talking too my ex again…..”
    “This *Just because* gift I bought you was so much money and now I’m going to be able to buy anything for the next 1-2 weeks, especially the necessities” (Way too make me feel guilty for getting the favored returned once within the past few years)
    “Your crazy!!!!!”
    “You don’t know what you’re talking about! (Even if you saw whatever happen, or what you are saying is a fact”
    “I had this amazing dream about my ex/another person… then continue to brag about how much you loved the dream”
    “Can you pay for this dinner… I kinda broke!” When the last 20 times you paid for dinner)

    Oh man the list goes on, some guys are real winners!! But I finally think i am with my Prince Charming now, that ive been waiting so long or! r)

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