#3 of 2011: Have Sex…Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Today’s post on the 2011 countdown, while one of the most read of the year, has also proven to be the most controversial to make the list. The reason? It seems that people regard my advice for wives to say “yes” to sex more as the equivalent to endorsing rape. I kid you not.

Some time ago, this post made its way on to a number of athesits blogs. I happen to read the comments on these particular blogs and people legititametly said I was promoting the act of rape against women. Astonishing.

Really, this post is all about encouraging women to engage in marital sex more, even when conditions aren’t right or they are tired because in doing so, you will bless your husband and your marriage. If you’re interested, read the comments on the original post too. They are passionate, in both support and opposition.


Have Sex…Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Having sex in marriage is important. Necessary. Crucial.

Women need sex to feel emotionally connected. Men need sex to feel loved and desirable.

But as most married women will tell you, marriage sure slows down the frequency of sex and sexual mood. Whether it be long work days, stress, children, or other daily distraction–a woman’s sexual impulse can be sucked right out.

All too often in marriage, women find themselves saying “no” to sex much more than “yes.” There is even the mythical male who turns down sex with his wife… a very rare breed, indeed.

I have heard it said before that women should just go ahead and have sex, even when they don’t feel like it. I agree with that sentiment and here’s why:

I know some people might think this idea sounds downright archaic and misogynistic. But, here I am–a modern woman–telling other women to just get busy, even when the urge isn’t there.

Reason being, marriage convinced me of the male need for sex. Dennis Prager has discussed this topic on his radio show quite frequently. He refers to women pulling the old famous sex shutdown line: “I don’t feel like it.” His response to that excuse makes me smile. To paraphrase him:

In life there are countless things we have to do each day, even though we “don’t feel like it.” We go to work, pay our bills, call that one annoying guy, get to bed at a reasonable hour, even though we don’t necessarily feel like it. Why should sex be any different?

Women have somehow hijacked sex and planted this notion in their minds that sex is always suppose to be romantic, or glamorous, or that they must be totally 100% “in the mood” in order to have it. If these prerequisites aren’t met, well then, no sex.

I took a pre-marriage class with my husband and one of the week’s topics was sex in marriage. A sex expert (such a cool job title by the way) and counselor taught us that, on average, men need sex 2 to 3 times per week–not want sex twice a week, but actually need sex (you’re welcome gentlemen. I’m spreading the word).

For men, sex is a stress release, a wanted distraction from their busy lives and responsibilities. It is also how they feel loved from their wives, which, if you ask me, is sorta important.

On day 13 of turning down your husband, men don’t only feel pent-up stress, but they also begin to feel unloved and undesirable.

My friend Carrington just wrote a post challenging women to say “yes” to sex more. I have practiced this and, let me just tell you that it makes a difference in my marriage. The hubster and I have better quality and more frequent sex now than ever (too much detail? Sorry, hope you’re not blushing).

If I’m not up for being intimate in that exact moment–usually 11:00 o’clock at night after a day of being covered in toddler slime, then I will reschedule for another time. Which is a reminder to men–timing is important. Don’t ask her at the end of a very long, tiring day. Ask her when she feels most in the mood, when the iron is hot, so to speak. For more tips, gentlemen, on improving your sex life, check out this post.

Ladies, commit to trying to say “yes” at least three times in a row. Set the mood. Take a shower. Pray. Lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes away from little ones (I highly recommend this one). Do whatever you need to do to say “yes.”

The more I go ahead and have sex, even when I don’t feel in the mood, the more God has actually blessed our sex life. And guess what, when I say “yes” more, I’m much more apt to get “in the mood” faster, too. In fact, I have the “I’m not in the mood” thought run through my mind rarely these days.

So, when he asks, pounce on him. Or heck, don’t wait for him to ask… pounce first, ask questions later.

Do you agree or disagree? Do you think women should say “yes” even when they might not be in the mood? Have you practiced this?  What has made a difference in your married sex life?

23 thoughts on “#3 of 2011: Have Sex…Even When You Don’t Feel Like It”

  1. Dr. Amen says that men who have sex frequently live longer than men who don’t, while women who enjoy sex live longer than women who don’t. He jokes that spouses who withhold sex from their husbands could be sued for murder. I guess that also goes for husbands who don’t attempt to make sex enjoyable for their wives. Good, frequent sex will increase life expectancy!

  2. Thanks so much for sharing this. I’m married to a Pastor and we lead very busy lives. We have 3 little ones under 5 and I’m often exhausted after working a full time job, having a full time weekend in ministry, and being a full time mom. Thanks for offering some advice that I can actually follow without feeling like its a sin (smile). Thanks!

  3. I agree, Nicole. Putting the other person’s needs above our own is a great way to have strong passionate marriages. My husband and I do pre-marital counseling with young couples, and I recommend this. The second half of that, though too, is that the man is looking for ways to selflessly serve his wife too: dishes, cooking her a meal at times, changing diapers. And the awesome thing is… nothing gets a girl in the mood more than watching her man cheerfully help out around the house, or being tender to their kids.

    Take care,
    Jennifer Dougan

  4. When I first read the comment on facebook without any of the explanation I was thinking what in the world is she talking about. First this is not rape as the woman says yes.

    While I am not married at this time I hope that whomever I marry has this attitude. Speaking towards if it is rape or not it does not meet the legal definition or even the spirit of the Law. The woman or man has to say no for it to be rape. Anyone that read your entire post would clearly see this is not what you are saying. You are talking about making a conscious decision to participate in sex because you know that it will benefit yourself and your husband.

    In addition good for you on speaking on a socially taboo subject.

  5. I completely agree with you. I think it is one of the advantages of waiting for sex until marriage. You are much safer giving of yourself and not being used within marriage whereas outside of marriage it would seem far more “rape like”

  6. Nicole, this mindset is the same mindset that I had as a teenager in all my relationships. Having sex when you don’t want to IS rape. Both partners should care about each other’s feelings and respect them enough to not WANT to have sex when the other is not in the mood. Having sex when you don’t want to is very emotionally devastating and leads to unhealthy relationships. Sex is not the most important thing in the world. Loving and caring for your partner is far more important than letting them stick their penis in your vagina whenever they want.

    Please do not encourage sexual abuse like this. I am trying so hard to undo this mindset in myself after growing up thinking I was supposed to let my boyfriends do whatever they wanted to my body. This is not the way it should be. They should care about my feelings and feel disgust about the idea of having sex with me when I don’t want to. Even now I am still dealing with these problems. Sometimes when I have sex with my partner, even when I am in the mood and consenting, I will have terrible flashbacks and end up sobbing uncontrollably and apologizing for ruining the mood. There are many mental scars left from this as well.

    Having sex when you don’t want to is both mentally and physically unhealthy.

    1. Having sex with a woman when she says no is wrong 100%./ Looking from the other side how hurtful is it for a man when his wife always says no I don,t want to have sex. Is it any more hurtful to be always told no than a husband to just go ahead and have sex. I know no one will agree but it rips away at your heart when you are always told no. The man is having his free will taken away from him you expect a sex life when you marry a woman. It seems like a woman can always has the right to say no the man’s feelings don’t matter. The only other choice a man has is to find a woman who says yes than that is cheating and the woman can file for divorce and the man pays big time.

  7. What…is wrong with you?
    WE Are the ones who are supposed to be treated for and respected. Men are supposed to cater for US. What the hell is wrong with you placing out an article that makes women feel more insecure then they already are?! Believe me, I have sex ONCE A DAY. You know why? Because I really appreciate my partner and we’re equals. I would NEVER have sex only for his behalf. That’s disgusting! If you feel the need, you do it. Why the hell would you force yourself to have sex. I cannot believe how enraged I am…Either you worded this horridly or you actually think women should force themselves to have sex. I hope you DIE

    1. I find a lot of these Christian sex advice blogs very contradictory. Either that, or I don’t understand what they are trying to say. On the one hand, they tell us to have sex when we don’t feel like it, on the other, we are told that ‘duty sex’ (which is what having sex when you don’t want to is) isn’t right either. I can’t just ‘want’ it if I don’t want it. That’s how I’m ‘wired’ – to use a word these men and collaborating women use all the time.

  8. What? How do you not see that this is rape?

    It says the woman is obligated… I repeat, OBLIGATED to have sex even when they don’t want to.

    Slaves often were raped. It wasn’t that they didn’t resist, it was because they were OBLIGATED not to.

    Reread what that bastard is saying. He is saying that men NEED sex very frequently and that women MUST engage in sex when they don’t want to.

    I have an extremely healthy relationship with my fiancee. Not to put us on a pedestal, but I’m sure we’re way happier than this bastard ever will be. We don’t NEED sex 2-3 times per week. In fact, we usually only have sex once a week or so. We’re content with loving each other in all manners and sex is something that is just the cherry on the sundae.

    I’m not going to die early from not abiding by this idiot’s rules. I don’t feel unloved or unvalued. I’m the luckiest man alive. I’m not going to rape my fiancee because I am horny when she is feeling blue.

  9. Wow people, calm down. She’s not saying that when you’re feeling awful or sad or you’re super busy that you should put out because it’s your duty…she’s saying that sometimes we should please our partners because we love them, not just because we’d be getting something out of it too. If you’re only having sex because it would benefit you then how selfish are you? This doesn’t mean you are required to oblige or that you must say yes whenever they ask. Relationships are about give and take. Sometimes when my partner is in the mood and it’s not something that I’ve really been thinking about I go for it anyways because I love him and appreciate when he does the same for me. We have busy schedules, and if we both waited until we were feeling hot then it wouldn’t happen very much at all.

    Rose says “because I really appreciate my partner”…that’s what we are talking about here! Because you appreciate them sometimes you give a little. Geez, spend a half hour being intimate with them, touching them and loving them. It’s not like you’re supposed to say “alright, because you are my man and I’m your woman throw me on the bed and have your way”.

    1. I think if your planning to get married you need to sit down and talk about what you expect from one another.If you don’t like sex don’t get married but if you get married plan on having sex with your mate on an agreed terms. It is totally unfair to marry someone than outnof the blue say I will not have sex anymore or always say no. Don’t expect a mate to be true to you and not cheat on you if you don’t care about the others needs

  10. I am in a very new male-led relationship. We are due to have this talk soon. I am on the fence about it because I can see both sides. No, because of old baggage triggers. Yes, because we are male-led, which means open communication and a great deal of trust. I trust him to lead and make decisions in all areas because he has proven he does it marvelously. He cares for us and takes care of us. I have to trust him to protect us sexually as well.

  11. I am in a male-led relationship. I am on the fence about this topic because I can see both sides. No, because of old baggage triggers. Yes, because we are male-led, which means open communication and a great deal of trust. I trust him to lead, care for, and protect us in all areas including sexuality.

  12. I can’t believe some of the reactions. Seriously, she isn’t condoning rape. There are times where I haven’t been in the mood but engaged in sex with my man, I do this because I love and respect him. Men are generally sexual beings and yes, they need sex in a relationship to feel loved; by constantly rejecting you do make them feel unloved, why would you subject the person you love to feel like this!?

    I have been on the end of constantly being rejected and it made me lose a lot of self esteem and confidence. It made me depressed and resent my ex partner. After 6 years with him, I walked away because I couldnt take it anymore. I’m much happier now and have an amazing relationship where we have sex at least once a day. We talk about everything and really make an effort on all aspects of what is our relationship.

    1. If you went back 20 or 30 years ago there was no such thing as rape of a spouce. Yes we have gotten better and even give the right to say no but I feel like some women uses that as a play of power over a man

  13. That’s not rape. My ex bf used to actually rape me. I would have sex with him all the time and the rare time I’d say not now, cuz I wasn’t feeling good or whatever reason. He would physicly force me and be very rough. I spoke to him about it and told him I rarely say no, so when I do I want him to be respectfull because with him forcing me like that made me not want to have sex at all.

  14. I totally agree with jamie. I am happily married and have a 2 year old now , and that’s how our relationship is.

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