The Dread of Miscarriage and the Mighty One

So, I didn’t post yesterday, and here’s why:

A week and a half or so ago, many of my pregnancy symptoms vanished. It was as if, overnight, I went from puking in the kitchen sink, to merrily going about my day.

Sure, I was still tired–exhausted really–and peeing every 15 seconds, but my other, more obnoxious mother-to-be symptoms had packed there bags.

I wasn’t worried…at first. Then, I started to just feel funny. I didn’t “feel pregnant.” I had expressed concern (mildly and inconspicuously expressed concern) to my husband. He told me to call the doctor. I didn’t.

And then, the wave of  what “could be” and what “might be” crashed over me like a tsunami. I went from “keeping it cool” to emergency mode. Suddenly, my husband and I were praying for the life of our unborn child. How did we get here?

Weeks before, while I was still grappling with the idea of becoming a mother of three in 9 short months,  I slowly convinced myself  that I would never meet that baby.

I was scared, paranoid, and wrapped up in my head. My thoughts were eating me alive. I was laying awake in bed every night.

I was not praying. I was not asking the Lord for His intervention. I was not taking action by calling the doctor and scheduling an ultrasound.

Instead, I froze. I was so immobilized by fear that I pretended that nothing was happening. I went about my days like everything was okay when, all the while, I was denying the possibility of my baby being dead. Then, my feelings seemed validated by a few signs–I lost some weight, my belly seemed to shrink, my symptoms had vanished, and I read that a procedure the doctor had performed on me my previous visit could sometimes cause a missed miscarriage.

Sunday night, I broke down and the tears came. I told my husband how serious I thought it all was. He immediately took charge and I felt such a rush of relief. He said we would go to urgent care.

But few were open and those that were did not have an ultrasound. We decided to forgo the emergency room and wait until the next morning to go into the doctor’s office.

That night and next morning were hell, but something else happened, too. My husband prayed (among many times praying) and said that, despite the outcome of the ultrasound, God was still Good and worthy of our praise.

I knew in my mind that was true. I knew, intellectually, that God would still be Good even if our baby died  or dies, but I didn’t want to believe it.

I wanted to just be mad at God–my usual m.o. when things don’t go my way. I wanted to kick and scream, curse and cry. I couldn’t, though. I vacillated between dread, hope, and a feeling of numbness.

But, for some reason, this time, I couldn’t be mad at God. I wanted to pull a “Nicole” and blame God, then shut the door on Him…but for some reason, I never could and never did.

Instead, my husband’s words echoed in my mind. He is Good. He is always Good and even if we are given bad news, He is still Good.

Yesterday morning found us sitting in a dark ultrasound room, thick with fear and anticipation. The nurse and doctor even seemed a bit tense. The doctor cracked jokes as she squirted the warm gel onto my abdomen.

Then a flash on the screen and there was the baby. I didn’t care, though. I didn’t really want to see a picture of the baby. I wanted to hear a heartbeat.

The doctor started listening for a heartbeat. For what seemed like an eternity, a flat line ran across the bottom of the ultrasound screen, then suddenly–ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. It was quick and strong.

We squeezed each other’s hand and let out a collective sigh and release of emotion.

In the hours leading up to that ultrasound, I had decided to praise God. I sang worship music. I read psalms describing His splendor and majesty. I didn’t run, like I usually do. I stayed and I worshiped. Praised. Glorified. Exalted. The Mighty One.

I wasn’t perfect. I wish I had done all of that sooner and better. I wish I hadn’t waited until the pain was too great to reach for Him. Yet, I made progress in my relationship with the Lord and, for that, I am still praising Him…and of course, for the life of my child.

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19 thoughts on “The Dread of Miscarriage and the Mighty One”

  1. What a moving post. And so happy to know that baby is alive and well. God is truly good.

    I guess sometimes we do that huh? Wait until we’re in so much pain before we ask God for help. Thank you for this reminder.

    1. Tanya,

      Yes. That is what I’m working on for the year…going to God, forget that….abiding in Him and not just running to Him when things get bad.

      I want to already be dwelling with Him, so that when the valleys come, I am caught up in His presence.

  2. My heart stopped for a minute when this came through my reader. I can’t imagine the wave of dread that came over you, but I’m so thankful you could still praise in the uncertainty…

    I was immediately reminded of Habakkuk…If he, in the face of his nation being destroed, exulted and joyfully praised God, how much more shall we in life’s uncertainties?

    Oh how great and mighty is He…yes! What an excellent reminder to leave all things to God who is perfect, holy, good and always in control.

    Praying for little baby, too…

  3. Nic… Thanks for sharing…

    I just kept thinking as I was praying for you yesterday morning how painful it was last summer to think I was pregant and losing a child…. let alone to KNOW you’re pregnant, See the little bean and think you may be losing a child. My heart was with you.

    God is sooo Good.

    I am So very touched to hear not only that the baby is ok… but the attitude and peace Jonathan had the evening before you knew this. What a wonderful husband to take your burden to Jesus and help carry it for you.. with you. Also your attitude of Thanksgiving yesterday morning. It is so amazing what our Thankfulness, Worship and Praise to Jesus can do in any situation. Ironically the last 2 Sat’s I have had something I read to share but didn’t bring it yet. I was planning on bringing it this next Sat now that we are moving forward some. Now I know God was laying it on my heart for a reason… Can’t wait! Love you guys!

  4. Nicole!

    I am so glad your little pea is okay :) I too had a big scare in the beginning of this pregnancy. I lost all my symptoms and started bleeding for two days with pain…I was numb and didn’t want to go to the doctor for fear that I too wouldn’t hear a heartbeat and would have to mourn the loss of our yet to be born baby. I can so relate and remember thinking the same thing that God is faithful and he already knows and loves this baby more than I could possibly imagine. Praise God for his love and mercy and for sparing our little boy. I am 24 weeks as of Sunday and his heart beat is strong. God is so faithful. I will be praying for the rest of your pregnancy! xo

    1. Oh, so scary Carlene. Praising God your baby boy is growing safely and health, as well.

      Isn’t it so crazy to think about how much God loves our kids…..more than us, more than we can fathom. That brings me peace when I take time to remember it.

      Thank you for sharing.

  5. SO SO glad baby is okay, and so sorry that you guys had to go through this. Thankful for the life lessons though. Praying for protection for that precious bebe.

    This was beautifully written btw- it was so raw, so authentic, and so beautifully showed God’s glory!

    <3 you!

  6. Jason asked me tonight if I had read your post, and said something about a miscarriage, I misheard him and thought he said you had one. Oh my goodness, my heart stopped for a minute. Then he told me that you did not. I was soooo relieved. Thank you Lord for you mercy and that you are the giver and sustainer of life!

    It is true that He is good NO MATTER what. It is simply a fact, not based on our emotion or circumstances. But it can be very hard to praise Him when there is bad news. I guess that’s what the Bible means when it mentions the sacrifice of praise. Praising even when it is hard. That’s what you gave him this weekend, a sacrifice of praise, and I think that might be one of his favorite kinds. I know it must be very precious to him!

    Is that your ultrasound pic up there or a random one found online? If it’s yours, it says 17 weeks, I didn’t think you were that far along. I’m about 18 1/2 weeks right now. I was just laughing to myself thinking that if you are 17 weeks maybe our babies will be born on the same day this time instead of a day apart! However, I have a scheduled C-section one week early this time, on July 15, so unless your baby comes a few weeks early, probably not. Although, when you get to 37 weeks you will probably be hoping that baby would just get the *&%# out of there, right?

    Were they able to tell in the ultrasound if it was a boy or girl? Are you going to find out ahead of time? We found out we are having a girl! I am overwhelmed by the kindness of the Lord! Take care and enjoy not feeling nauseous anymore, that’s something to praise about!! My nauseousness and food aversions went away completely around 14 weeks or so, but my extreme fatigue and exaustion didn’t go away until 17 weeks. Blessings!

    1. I don’t know why I always think I am just going to leave a two sentence comment and it always turns into a novel! Will I EVER be able to leave a short simple comment?! Maybe one day….

    2. Jill,

      I love that you brought up the sacrifice of praise. I think too of “rejoice without ceasing”, which follows, “be anxious for nothing.”

      It really is difficult to do, but I am learning.

      The ultrasound is an online photo. I couldn’t scan my own. I think I’ll try to put up my actual ultrasound soon though.

      I say I’m 12 weeks. My doctor says I’m more like 13 weeks. The baby is just measuring a bit bigger I think.

      I heard you were having a girl and I am rejoicing with you. I know you had asked the Lord for a baby girl and she is going to be the perfect addition to your family!

      P.S. I like your long comments. Don’t change a thing!

  7. Oh, I have tears of joy for you! Praise the Lord! He has given you this little one through prayer and I’m sure He will keep it there! I have been there more than once and I am so glad you were spared the long term feelings of grief. Prayers for you and your family for a full term, healthy pregnancy!

  8. I’m so glad that your little one is alive and well! Praising God for that and for the joy and peace he gave you and Jonathon even during such a fearful situation!

    1. Nicole!

      CONGRATULATIONS! I am soooo happy for you. I pray the Lord continues to pour out His abundant goodnes,love,strength and grace to you and your family.

      I just remembered that you had this blog and am catching up. I am thoroughly enjoying it. The variety is like 4 blogs in one. Thanks for your steadfast love and comittment to our Lord and the time and effort it takes to do this.

      Your W.I.L.D. sister in Christ, Leticia

      1. Leticia,

        Thank you so much for the congrats. We are excited, although a little nervous to be shifting from 2 to 3 kids. Thank you too for the encouragement and kind words. How are you? I hope you are well.

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