Confessions of a Mean Girl

I suppose it was survival. A defense mechanism developed as the result of years and years of bullying.

Girls can be mean. Vicious, really. Cruel, even.

I never saw it happening or noticed the moment when I changed. It was a transformation just like anything. A process, that took me from being who I really was to someone I never wanted to be.

The girls you read about in teen novels and who play the villain in teen movies. That was me. I was no caricature, but I was the girl that exists at every high school. I was a product of my environment.

I was bullied and so eventually, I became a bully. I was a mean girl.

I wasn’t gruff or tough. I didn’t slam girls against lockers or shout obscenities at them, like had been done to me. No. I was a sort of undercover bully. A real mean girl,  sly and unsuspecting, coy and deceitful. I would smile to your face and tear you down behind your back.

I had perfected the art of polite conversation, head nodding, grinning and mmm-hmmm-ing. But, at the first chance I got, I would cut you down, find your flaw and hold onto it, shame you to my friends…without you ever knowing.

It’s sad to admit that I was no better than the countless girls who made junior high and high school a literal nightmare for me. I was no better than the girls who would circle me like predators and try to devour me like prey, who would berate me, cuss at me, slander me, hurt me.

I was no better. I was a mean girl.

And it went on this way.

College wasn’t much different, even despite the fact that I knew Jesus by then. I remember actually picking a fight with a girl during freshman orientation. I tried to start a physical altercation. The thought now makes me ill, but at the time, it seemed normal…easy..acceptable.

Was I trying to impress my new friends? Was I bored? Was I acting out my own anger at this poor innocent girl who did absolutely nothing to deserve such aggression and anger?

Sure. Yes. All of the above.

Even then I was blind to what I was doing. I never thought twice.

And one day, while having coffee with an old friend, someone who I had long acted out as a mean girl along side, I heard God softly touch my Spirit.

It felt as if He was telling me something I had always known. It was not a surprise to me and yet, it was fully new.

And my Spirit rose and it responded. I sighed and knew right then that it would be different from now on. I would be different.

I repeated the phrase out loud that God had spoken to me. My friend looked emotionless.

It’s not cool to be a mean girl.

That is what God said to me. How’s that for a little Jesus vernacular?

It’s not cool to be a mean girl.

My friend had no response and went on sipping her non-fat latte. And I sipped my cappuccino and felt a rush of gratitude for suddenly, in one instant, without asking, being set free from such sin and harm.

Oh, and my heart weeps knowing I cannot go back and apologize to every girl that I ever made to feel small, or helpless, or worthless, or ugly. I cannot erase what has been done…

…but, God can. And I pray that He does and He will. I pray that my being a mean girl will have no lasting impact on a single person I have known, that my freedom may be their freedom, my hope their hope.

Might someone love them on my behalf with outrageous, selfless, wild love. Lord knows I would, if I could.

It’s not cool to be a mean girl. It never was.

Were you a mean girl or mean guy? Were you the victim of a mean girl or mean guy? What would you say to them now, those you hurt or those who hurt you?

24 thoughts on “Confessions of a Mean Girl”

    1. Matt,
      Good point. I suppose each and every one of us could list a few people we wronged. My hope is that we learned something from those instances and sought out the Lords forgiveness, as well. And yes, God redeems! SO thankful for that, as well.

  1. I’m not a girl but I did have a period where I was sly and clever and cruel. Being that way to an undeserving victim made everyone else laugh. I was insecure and craved the approval. Grateful that I’ve learned better.

    1. John,
      We’ve all made people are victims at some point, but in Jesus there is illuminations as to why, forgiveness if we seek it, and freedom not to sin again. Like you, I think insecurity was the root for me, that and wanting to feel like I belonged. Thanks for sharing John.

  2. “Laughter at one’s own expense is genuine, hearty, and acceptable; laughter at the expense of another, however, always sounds cheap and hollow.” The Lord spoke that to me shortly after my Salvation.

    Coming out of the occult, one of the biggest obstacles I faced was changing my ability and desire to manipulate situations and the lives of others to gain my own advantage.

    People to me were nothing more than mindless cattle, so easily controlled and used for selfish pleasure and emotional enjoyment.

    I remember walking by complete strangers who were female and whispering to them as I passed, “Wow, those jeans definitely make you look fat! Wow!”, just so I could delight in their horror and pain. My personal demons did indeed love their little mind games.

    I’m thankful our Father changed this in me, and I am so thankful He did the same in you! If anything, He has shown me how to use the techniques I learned from demons against the demons themselves, but now in The Spirit. Oh, the delicious irony.

    1. Donald,
      Oh man, your comment was heavy. What powerful words the Lord spoke to you. It’s so much to consider–where you were and Who you are in now. You need to write a book…

      …so, get on that, would ya?

  3. I was the pacifist. I had a couple of times where I was bullied but nothing major. I hated it and I couldn’t stand when it would happen to others. I always tried to diffuse the situation. Now I’m no saint, I didn’t always defend people when they needed it. I just tried to redirect their target.

    The root of that meanness is insecurity and it get perpetuated by peer pressure.

    1. Tony,
      I was a pacifist for so long until it became easier to be mean back. And I agree, I think the root was insecurity and probably is for many others too. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Sister please. I’m still a mean guy! :)

    I was actually friendly and loving, but when you got on my bad side or if you were my enemy, I was the type that schemed iniquity and evil on my bed.

    Now, I just like to hug people and let any good heap burning coals on my enemies.

      1. Yes,
        I do believe I hugged me some Moe in Atlanta a couple years back. I’m not a hugger, but I’ll always hug back. I guess it’s an area I “need to grow in.” Blah, blah, blah….

  5. Received, from a girl who felt the sting of mean girls. So glad Jesus whispered to you. So glad you listened. May He use you powerfully as He restores and heals wounded hearts.

    BTW, I ran into your MIL the other day. She is definately NOT a mean girl. What a dear, loving heart. She is absolutely precious. I felt in love with her spirit.

    So glad God gaveyou her. And her, you. :) Blessings on your heart!

    1. Kathy,
      Thank you for commenting and how wonderful that you met my MIL. She is about as great as it gets. I am glad that God gave her to me, as well. He knew I needed a Godly mom and had her for me in His kindness and mercy.

  6. Wow…confession time…again?? First, I love that I had no idea you were “that girl” in school and could never picture you starting a physical altercation with another woman. That is how godly and caring you are!!
    In Junior High, I was my worst self. I hated who I was. My home was chaos from alcoholism, and I was insecure and needed to have attention. So I became a mean girl. I could be nice…but when your back was turned, the comments started, then the fights started, and I worked to have power. I hated myself and had no idea why I was doing what I was doing.
    Fast forward…I found Christ, and I submitted the gossipy nature to Him, and I worked daily to build others up and not tear them down. And then came the invitation for my high school reunion.
    UGH…did I really have to go? Did I really have to face them?? Did I really have to go make amends for all of my bad, petty behavior?? The Lord said yes, and so I went. I went kicking and screaming, I went worried they would only see jr. high me and not grown up me.
    And the Lord did amazing work. Amazing!!!
    There were many there that night, but the largest contingent was from junior high. Many had suffered great pain over the years (divorce, autistic children, disease), and the pain had softened most. They didn’t care I had been a mean girl. They just wanted to embrace me, and forgive me, and move forward. I can’t tell you the number of times I had confessed those sins to the Lord, and asked Him to make it right. That night I could see how He had redeemed me, and had changed everyone.
    That doesn’t happen at the 10th reunion, sorry to say. It comes later, when everyone becomes more real and caring. But I’m so grateful I obeyed the Lord, faced the skeletons in my closet, and gained some new friendships. Yes, I’m grateful God changed this mean girl, too!!

    1. Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves on the heel of the boot that has crushed it, indeed.

      Your comments actually touched my spirit, because in your willingness to ‘fess up’ and make amends, He already beat you to it. ;)

    2. Tracy,
      Ahh..this brought tears to my eyes. I’ve heard bits and pieces of your junior high stories, but I had never heard about your reunion until now.

      Our God is AMAZING and faithful when we are not. I love that He allowed that time to bring healing to them and to you, all the while receiving the glory.

      Thank you for sharing, Tracy. Love you.

  7. “Might someone love them on my behalf with outrageous, selfless, wild love.” THIS. IS. BRILLIANT. What a fantastic prayer.

    I generally felt like taking a preemptive strike before I was bullied. I felt like if I could make a show of verbal prowess I would dodge my own pain. There are a couple of people that stick in my head from “back in the day” that I wish I could talk to now. In His hands…

  8. I was on the receiving hands of mean girls. All. Through. Childhood. I was bullied in ways that–30 years later–brings tears to my eyes. One day, one of my childhood ring-leaders & bullies called me out of the blue. She started crying. I thought she wanted to make wrongs, right. We ended up talking for over an hour. Not about what she did. But about the cancer she had been recently diagnosed with and her admission of a need for Jesus. I had the privilege of leading her thru a prayer to know him. Never spoke to her after that. Sometimes, mean girls become normal adults, sometimes they don’t. But its my job, regardless, to love them. Thanks for your honesty. I’m so glad I visited this blog for the first time today.

    1. Heather,
      Wow, what an amazing testimony. While I know the opportunity to pray with the meal girl to know Jesus does not erase the pain of bullying, I think it is such an example of God’s goodness in the midst of our suffering. What a treasure He gave you, reminding us that every oen of us needs Jesus.

      Thank you so much for sharing and I look forward to seeing you around these parts.

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