Getting Personal

I don’t really like getting personal. When I started Modern Reject, I didn’t have a clear plan or vision, I just started writing. As I started writing, the direction and voice came (and is still coming since I basically feel like a novice on most days).

In the first few months of writing, as my husband would proof-read my posts, he would always suggest that I add something about myself. I was always resistant. He would remind me though that without injecting myself into my writing, I was sharing or encouraging or edifying…I was just preaching.

Every post I write, I still have to remind myself to well, add myself. I don’t know exactly why that is, but I think I’m figuring it out. At any rate, I know that I desire for Modern Reject to be more personal, not to feed my ego or because I think you guys want to read it, but because I feel that is where God is moving me. So I thought I’d give it a try. Here’s me, getting personal…

I’ve been crabby lately. I blame it entirely on pregnancy hormones and my children. My 4 year old and 2 year old are just about to kill me.

There have been quite a few days in the last 4 weeks when neither they nor myself have bothered to get out of our pajamas. We just roam around the house in the clothes we slept in, looking disheveled and grungy.

I have been spiritually and physically exhausted lately too. The spiritual part is my own fault. I have not wanted to spend time with the Lord. Instead, I have been choosing to veg on the couch, nap, and then force myself to rally and take care of my kids and my home…at a bare minimum. Hence the physically exhausted part. Something’s gotta give.

Laundry is piling up…and piling up…and swallowing my house.

We had our first “we are starting a church” meeting. It went great, I think. However, the onslaught of spiritual attack has already started. Let the games begin.

I’m a little worried about this pregnancy and this baby. I don’t feel well and I hate that. I’m worried I will begin to feel worse. I’m also worried that three children will send me over the edge. I am not Mother Theresa, nor am I Mother Duck. I have to work at being maternal. Jesus knows this though and He is giving me this (last!) baby.

My constant in all of this (besides the Lord) is my husband. I married the best man ever. As he says of me (and I feel the same way about him): “I feel like I won the lottery.”

I have some big things coming up in a few months that make me nauseous to think about, so I try not to think about them. Don’t worry, I’m not holding back, I’m just waiting for the right time to share all the details.

I really want to take a break from Modern Reject right now, but I don’t think I will. I’m going to pray and see what He says though.  A mini-vacay may be just what I need.

I have been obsessively watching Gray’s Anatomy. I had never seen an episode until a few weeks ago. I’m addicted and not in a good way. Again, I blame pregnancy. I think I need to have an intervention.

Whew. I feel so much better. I guess all of this was more of a rant than just me “getting personal.” Oh well, thanks for bearing with me, but you don’t get off the hook that easy…

What’s going on with you these days? How are you doing spiritually, emotionally, physically? What do you need prayer for? Go on, get personal. It feels really good.

12 thoughts on “Getting Personal”

  1. Lately I feel like I’m constantly disengaged from my life as it is now. Instead of being invested and faithful with where God has me, I’m trying to peek around the corner and see what’s next. I’ve been daydreaming about it, really. Psalm 37:3 has become “my verse” these days. I need to be engaged where God has me NOW. He has me here for a reason. I want to be a woman of prayer, but so often I’m just lazy, and then I wonder why I’m not feeling more connected to Jesus throughout the day. I know that He’s got plans and purposes I can barely comprehend for my life, but I’m struggling to trust that where I stand at this moment is part of that process. I look at my time as more of a stepping stone to the “next best thing” rather than a place to be dwelt in, a place where I can, as Psalm 37 says, cultivate faithfulness. Prayers that I would be invested, engaged, prayerful and aware of God’s presence even in the most seemingly mundane moments of my life would be so greatly appreciated. I need to trust that He isn’t wasting a single moment.

    Thank you for your honesty and transparency and encouraging the same from us. You’re right… it does feel good.

    1. Brittany,
      Gosh you bring up something so many of us struggle with–the balance between being content in the here and now and still striving for more.

      I love you talking about God in the here and now, instead of only wondering or worrying about the future.

      I’m going to remember that and Psalm 37:3. Thank you for sharing and praying you are able to feel more connected to Jesus on a daily, moment by moment basis.

  2. What’s going on with me?

    God has broken me pretty severely over the last month or two and I pray that it’s over for the sake of my sanity. I lost my “dream job” that I only held for 6 days and came out broke with zero prospects and ideas. In it all, God was waiting for me to be on my knees, saying the words “I have nothing, what do you want me to do?”

    My adult life has been one without solid direction, grounding, or purpose. I had to step back and look at the big picture. When was the last time that things were “right?” I found my answer.

    I’m leaving the country in 6 weeks to work with a missionary friend in Eastern Europe. I will not be an official missionary per se as I will be working as an English tutor over the summer and as an English teacher in the fall at a school. I just wanted to go and clear my head, but asked if I could help. He replied almost immediately saying “I have been praying for help out here since day one.” God is providing the financial means, the housing, the community, and even a full time paid position out there starting this fall teaching English as a native speaker.

    I know that spiritual warfare is already going on right now as I write this. The enemy knows that until I buy my tickets this weekend, the trip is in a fragile state. Even after I buy my tickets, there are other things such as getting my new passport expedited and getting my VISA application going that can snag things up. Fortunately, once I have the tickets, I can go, but the VISA will affect how long I can stay.

    Sometimes, we have to be at the point where everything is lost and our false sense of self-worth is destroyed before God will talk to us. That’s where I was, and that’s where I’m going.

    1. Joey,
      Wow! What an amazing story and testimony and you are only at the very beginning!

      I will be praying for every little detail and that you would be able to leave.

      I will pray that your time will be as a missionary and that God will give you opportunity.

      I agree that sometimes we have to lose everything…but it’s not always so that God will talk to us, but that we will hear what He has perhaps been saying along.

      Blessings Joey! Keep me posted as it gets closer!

  3. Boo. I don’t want to talk about myself. I’m ashamed. You did though, so I guess it’s my turn.
    I was cleaning the house a few nights ago, and I found my Bible under my sewing table in the back. I had knocked it off a while ago and didn’t even pick it up.
    That’s not to say I’ve lost my faith, but that I am so tired, I didn’t even try to reach for that help. I feel completely broken.
    My kids got sick. Pneumonia and RSV for the little ones, a stomach bug for the oldest, and no sleep for mama for 9 days. Hospital trips, breathing treatments, washing machine running 24/7. After that, it was like I lost my grip on reality. I am still not sure I have it. In fact, I’m pretty doggone sure I DONT have it.
    In the middle of all this, my ex threatened me and threatened to commit suicide again. This isn’t uncommon for him, but it was my LAST STRAW. I can’t be around someone who’s willing to hurt me, to say those things in front of my children, or to hurt himself. I’m done. I walked away from him. My heart is breaking, my children don’t know how to cope, but if I want to survive, this had to happen.
    The house is a wreck. The kids are a wreck. I am so tired I went to sleep on the couch this afternoon and they dumped soy milk all over the tv, shoved the mattress into the floor and ate all the chips. I want to quit. There isn’t anyone else to quit to. It’s just me, and only me.
    The only thing I still do good for myself is go to the gym, 6 days a week, without fail. I think it’s the only time I breathe.
    The Bible? I put it back on the sewing machine, but I haven’t even opened it. Sigh.

    1. Ade,
      I’m not gonna sugar coat anything friend. I’m just gonna say, “that sucks!”

      Life sucks sometimes and things get hard and then harder. There is no judgment for not picking up your Bible, but there is empathy, compassion, and understanding.

      I will be praying more than I have been praying for you. I commit to that. And I know you know this, but even in our stinkiest, hardest, loneliest, most painful days–God is Good, so very very good.

      That Bible will be waiting for you on that sewing machine when you are ready and so is He…

    2. Ade,
      Wow. Reading that makes me want to cry! I’ve read your comments on Modern Reject over the past few months and I’ve seen a little bit of what you’ve been going through. I don’t know what to say, except that as much as my heart breaks for what you and your family are going through, God’s heart is breaking even more. I can’t find the right words, but please know that I’m praying for you. God is right there waiting for you. I pray that He’ll give you the strength you need to get through this.
      Love in Christ,

  4. Hi Nicole,

    The one thing that keeps me comin’ back to your blog are your choice topics. Your personal vignettes within the blog are weaved beautifully; not too much and not impersonal at all.

    You cracked me up in one of your posts whereby you stated this blog will NOT turn into a baby blog… I get what you were saying BUT don’t feel you have to hold yourself back now because of the pregnancy. You have a loyal following. Count me in that group!

    I’m an ex Grey’s fan… Watched it religiously & when it focused on too much sex, I had to step away from the TV. Though I don’t watch Grey’s anymore, I found Glee… & I find it difficult to step away.

    Have a blessed day Nicole! Don’t worry if you take a blog break, so long as you come back!!!

  5. What’s going on with me… I’ve had a lazy few weeks and haven’t done nearly as much of my university coursework as I could or should have done. I need an ‘ON’ switch. And it needs switching on like NOW!

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