Confessions of a Modern Reject

I’m just warning you in advance, it’s about to get candid up in here (I really hate the expression “up in here” and yet it seemed apropos).

Needless to say, I have some confessions to get off my chest. I have some secrets to spill and some dirt to sweep out from under the bed. Like huge dust bunnies…with fangs.

You won’t be impressed. You won’t be inspired. You might actually reconsider revisiting this here blog, but a girl’s gotta confess what a girl’s gotta confess…

…Like the fact that I have been jealous of some other blogs lately. I know, I know, it’s ridiculous, but it’s true.  One particular blogger used to read my blog, but then, it seems, surpassed me in blog awesomeness and now no longer knows I exist. I feel like the uncool kid standing alone on the playground, after not getting chosen for a rousing game of kickball. It sucks.

I walked out the grocery store with a cart full of food, a 2 year-old, a 4 year-old, and an unpaid for pack of water bottles. The water bottles sat on the bottom of the cart and neither I, nor the checkout person, remembered to ring them up. I wheeled all the way out to the car, looked down and cussed, I’m sure, upon seeing said water bottles.

But instead of dragging myself and my two children back into the grocery store, I left them in the bottom of the cart. No, I didn’t steal them, but I didn’t return them either. Convicted as charged.

I ate Cadbury eggs and artichoke dip for breakfast and lunch, hiding this disgusting fact from my children so that they would not attempt to do the same. Are you totally grossed out? I am. If you need to leave, I understand. Which makes me wonder…do I have any more of those delightful goo-filled eggs lying around somewhere…? Hmmm…

Oh, and I’m sure God wants me to be a better friend to some of my current friends these days, but out of laziness and pregnancy-induced exhaustion, I have opted to remain a mediocre friend.

I have also been feeling guilty, because while I know I am blessed to be having another child, I’m still not 100% excited about it. When I pause for a moment and let my mind wander to thoughts of diaper changing, middle-of-the-night feedings, endless bouts of crying (me, not the baby), I feel overwhelmed, anxious, and scared.

<sigh> I feel better already having confessed all this. Thanks for letting me.

Your turn. No judgment. No shame. Do you have anything you need to confess or want to get off your chest? It really does make you feel better.

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18 thoughts on “Confessions of a Modern Reject”

  1. But instead of dragging myself and my two children back into the grocery store, I left them in the bottom of the cart. No, I didn’t steal them, but I didn’t return them either. Convicted as charged.

    Interesting solution! I usually take things like that with me – I usually chalk it up to honest mistake that went my way and it’ll even out in the end. I’ll remember that next time.

    I have also been feeling guilty, because while I know I am blessed to be having another child, I’m still not 100% excited about it. When I pause for a moment and let my mind wander to thoughts of diaper changing, middle of the night feedings, endless bouts of crying (me, not the baby), I feel overwhelmed, anxious, and scared.

    Trust me, (though I’m a father), that’s normal. You’re human which means you’re going to worry and be overwhelmed and anxious. Take a deep breath and relaaaax. It happens. You’ll always be laughing, bonding with your baby, showing love to someone who needs it :)

    Not really any confessions right at this moment :)

    1. Well, thank you for the mom-for-a-third-time encouragement.

      I am gained more excitement with each passing week. So I figure, by the time the baby arrives, I’ll be on a full-excitement charge.

  2. First of all, I’m on my way to your house for some Cadbury Eggs and artichoke dip. Cool?

    Second, I’ve been so easily irritated by… well.. most people the past few days. Unusually impatient and making excuses for myself. Frankly, I just haven’t been pleasant to be around. Especially at my office, where I’m supposed to be a light.

    Needless to say, I’m just as thankful as ever for God’s grace. I might need an extra dose this week.

    1. Brittany,
      Gosh, I know what’s that’s like. I am so tempted to blame every cranky, grumpy, rude response on being pregnant. Alas, we have a God who doesn’t let us get away with that kind of behavior. His grace is so good! Praying you get that extra dose you need this week.

  3. Here’s my confession. It’s much bigger than yours. LOL
    I’m making apple pie for supper, WITH caramel and whipped cream, and caramel vanilla ice cream and I’m GONNA EAT IT.
    Yeah, diet smiet. :(
    Ok, really. Um, I got what I wanted, and now I’m not sure I want it. My husband came home. Really home, all the way home, as in I love you, taking care of us, as normal as he can ever possibly be, and he’s being an amazing father and great guy all around.
    And, I don’t know if I want it anymore. I was so used to him NOT being like this — 2 YEARS!!! — that it is just weird. I crawl in the shower for peace and there is his stupid shampoo. I go to lay down and my pink cloud bed is gone, replaced with our normal covers. I move to the living room and my remote is in his hands. I pick up my book and he’s folded the page wrong.
    I had all these plans and dreams and goals, and not a one of them involved him. 2 YEARS of him being missing (emotionally and physically for the last 6 completely). But now I have to readjust, and I feel like I HAVE to, because I feel like God is telling me to, but like a 3 yr old I want to stamp my foot and say, you need to stop confusing me God!
    Plus. I shouldn’t confess this on a public blog but, I am. He slept with another woman. I shouldn’t be mad. We were legally separated (altho, not divorced, I refused to do it). He had every legal right, but morally? He didn’t. I sure DIDNT! I laid in my lonely marital bed night after night pining for sex, but I didn’t DO IT. It makes me so sad and SICK to think of him with someone else. He knows how I feel and he’s been super about it, apologizing, confessing to God this sin, and not pushing me, but it feels like he’s no longer *mine*.
    Sometimes, what you pray for isn’t really what you want … or, is it? Is this just our adjustment period, getting back into marriage? Mostly, I’m terrified I’ll go thru all this adjusting and he’ll high tail it back out of here! There, that’s my confession. :(

    1. Holy Moly Ade. That’s some tough stuff there.

      I think all those emotions you’re going through would all be normal. Perfectly normal.

      For all intents and purposes, you feel like he cheated on/betrayed you – that is, you feel like he had an affair. You feel the same way as someone who was betrayed in an affair situation.

      Ok, so how do people recover from resentment from an affair after they reconcile? Resentment is very common at this stage – did you know that? :)

      Anyway – check out some books from library on resentment – find a support group (Seriously!).

      This topic is one of the most difficult topics to address in marriage. On the one hand, resentment is a normal reaction to someone who has caused you to go through unbearable pain. It is your emotion’s way of warning you to avoid people who have hurt you in the past — they may hurt you again in the future! But, on the other hand, resentment can also be an irrational reaction to something that is no longer a real threat. In fact, resentment itself may become a greater threat to your happiness than what it is you fear.
      Marriage Builders.Com website Coping with Infidelity

      Check out a search on post infidelity resentment – Sounds like what you describe. :)

      Anyway, I thought maybe that might help… :)

    2. Ade,
      First off, I love you. Secondly, thank you.

      I cannot imagine the emotional roller coaster you are on right now. I know what it is though, to settle something in our mind, even if it is not GOd’s best, only to have God’s best show up. It’s almost as if we settle for fear of God not showing up and answering our prayer.

      I am glad your husband is home, as difficult as it all may be. I agree with one other commenter that maybe counseling would be beneficial, at least for you to recover from the pain and betrayal you have experienced.

      I will be continuing to prayer for every little detail of your marriage, home life, and emotions. Even in the depths of this hurt and confusion, the physically exhausting and emotionally draining days…God is there.

      Thank you for sharing here and feeling safe to do so.

      your sister in Christ-Nicole

      1. Thanks to you both for replying. I am working hard to find peace, but some days are harder than others. Today was kind of a wicked day for that. I nixed it by making his favorite meal — fried chicken and apple pie — and spending the evening playing cards with him and my bestest. It helped, to try to center me.
        I just don’t want to be hurt again. And I know that he won’t mean to, but he WILL hurt me. It’s the nature of loving someone, sometimes you just mess up. I have to keep that in mind. And, I have to remind myself that I love him and that God has a plan for us. I know it. I just am scared. giving those fears over to God is a huge step, an enormous leap of … well, faith. :)
        Thanks for the website, I’ll def check it out. I feel stupid being so upset that he did what he did when again, legally he had the right. It’s just to me … he didn’t. In mine eyes… he was still mine. I SAID until death and I meant it, even when he was gone. I wish he had too.

  4. Sometimes you just have to go for the really delicious food. I personally do this really delicious black bean and avocado pizza that is sold at this small local pizza shop right down the street from where I live. So freakin’ good.

    I’ve been confessing up a storm in my own life lately with my roommates, but I will say that my life has been particularly tumultuous because I didn’t end up getting a really amazing scholarship I was banking on for a university I really wanted to go to. Back to the drawing board. God had me sitting in transition for the better part of four months, and then he threw me THAT curve ball when I thought everything was going to go in that direction. The past week has been filled with post-it charts, Trent as (yes, the big gulp of Starbucks…again, so FREAKIN’ good), and discussions. But God is faithful. He opened a door to stay where I am, and I think I’m going to step through.

    I really appreciate your candidness though, Nicole, and the candid nature of the comments below. Being real is uncomfortable, but ultimately, way more helpful than just posting text that is all sunshine-and-daisies-sequel. May everyone on this blog who’s dealing with difficulties that may, in fact, be more than they can handle, (I’m thinking of a particular blog post here) be comforted by a God who is bigger and more powerful than what they are going through, even if it may not feel like it sometimes.

    1. Josh,

      Gosh, readjusting our expectations is always difficult. But, like you said, it is being comforted by our God, who not only is bigger, but also a good Father who gives good gifts to His kids.

      Praying for the next thing God has for you Josh, which no doubt will exceed your expectations.

  5. My confessions:
    1) I think I have really important things to say and people want to hear it. Therefore I leave really long comments on other people’s blogs and my own. I’m guessing I’m more than a little annoying, but I can’t help myself.
    2) I got laid off and am currently looking for a job. Sometimes I sleep until noon, and this makes me feel shameful.
    3) Last week I made chocolate chip cookies for dinner. And that’s it. They were delicious.
    4) My cousin got pregnant at 14 and had a baby at 15 and she goes all over facebook saying how gross people who sleep around are and that she’s so over teenage drama cause she’s a responsible mother now. I want to yell at her and tell her how life really works, but she’s a teen, she has to figure that out for herself and her road will be harder than most (though she won’t admit it). But still, I want to yell at her. Probably because I’m 28 and I can’t fully convince myself that I’m ready to have a child and she acts like it’s the easiest decision she ever made, at 15 years old.
    5) I am annoyed that my friends and family don’t ready my husband’s and my blog. Well, they probably do, but they never comment. Even when I explicitly ask them to. It’s silly to desire recognition from them- cause really we get plenty from strangers. But the only person I need to please is God. But I still would like to impress some humans every now and then.
    6) My husband isn’t feeling well and I’m trying to dote on him, but all I really want to do is take him into the bed room for some good loving. TMI? Oh, well it’s a confession.

    That was kinda fun. Thanks!

    PS I have friend who always “forgets” the dog food on the bottom of the cart. Every time.
    PPS I might have to go buy some cadbury eggs and have them for dinner.

    1. Carla,

      Thanks for being so honest and sharing your confessions here. It does feel good huh?

      I so empathize with many things on your list too. I struggle with wanting to tell people the way it is–to slap them across the face with reality, like your cousin. God has pressed upon me the need to speak in grace and truth. Both being crucial.

      My family too does not appreciate nor really read my blog. But I don’t write it for them, I write it for Him!


  6. Let it out girl. I don’t know about your first point, but you got a very good thing going here. You do exists and are all kinds of awesome.

    Point 2: Water should be free. It’s from earth (I know, not the best advice)

    Point 3: Yeah, that sounds pretty gross. yuk!

    Point 4: You may be to tough on yourself re: your friends. Unless they say so, you shouldn’t assume. Though we can always be better friends (conviction)

    Point 5: I absolutely hated the first month of a new baby at home. Sleepless nights, urine accidents, DR’s appts. Those are not great moments. But we do them, because they are cute and chubby and awesome.

  7. By the way it took 5 minutes for my comment to post. Not sure why. Is it just me? Bad plugin? It just kept loading and hanging for 5 minutes.

  8. i really appreciated this post, nicole. just… thank you.

    and… confession: i always feel like i’m missing out. like the most fun is being had elsewhere, that the other group of people is “cooler”, that the convo across the room is probably better than the one i’m engaged in over here. it’s stupid and immature, but… it’s true.

    1. Alece,
      I can relate to your confession. Gosh, can I…

      Sometimes I feel like I’m right back in middle school, staring over at the cool kids table in the cafeteria, longing to be there, instead of right where God has me.

      Thanks for sharing and confessing.

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