Today’s post is from Ally Spotts, who has a rockin’ blog where she discusses faith, relationships, and life in general. Her new project is Prodigal Magazine, which she and her husband now run. Check it out, too.
I’ve been single for quite some time now and after all these years I’ve gotten pretty good at it.
Although, of all the things that you want to be “good” at in life, I’m not sure that being single is one of them… It depends on whom you ask, I guess.
Anyway, in all this time I’ve spent being single I’ve learned a thing or two about a thing or two, and one of the things I’ve learned is that married people sometimes say and do the weirdest things to their single friends.
It’s like the minute they visit the alter they instantly forget what it was like to be single…
Don’t get me wrong. I know that my married friends have the best intentions. But since I care, and since I’m bored and lonely and sitting home all alone on a Friday night (just kidding) here is my attempt to point you in the right direction.
Here are 15 Things You Should Never Say/Do To Your Single Friends…
1. Please don’t tell us that as soon as we become “content” being single, we’ll meet “the one.” It sounds nice, and I get the point, but I know plenty of people who have gotten married before achieving perfect contentedness with single life. Not to mention, I’ve been content being single for awhile now – and I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t precisely this attitude which sometimes keeps us stuck.
2. Please don’t stop inviting us just because we’re single. We get it. You’re “married” now or whatever. But you’re still you. And we still want to be friends. Fifth wheel. Ninth wheel. 301st wheel. Whatever. We’re used to it. Just invite us to come.
3. Please don’t tell us how “easy” we have it being single. There might be some truth to that statement, but you know what? We get this a lot. And don’t forget that when life gets rough you have someone to share the load with you. Remember to be grateful for that.
4. Please don’t act like, since you’re married, you have it all figured out. Especially if you never dated much before you found your husband. Especially if the last time you dated, your age ended in “teen” (thank you, Shannon). Yes, your story is a beautiful story, and we love to hear you tell it. But we are living out our own beautiful story, and it’s okay that it doesn’t look like yours.
5. Please don’t assume that we’ll sleep on the couch. It’s Christmas or Thanksgiving and there are a dozen people staying at the same house, and yeah, we get it. You need the bed more than we do (go ahead and rub it in). If you ask us, we’ll let you have it. But don’t just assume. It’s humiliating.
6. Please don’t stop accepting our invites (and be willing to come alone). I mean, we don’t expect you to have a girls’ night every night. Your Friday night plans with your spouse are likely more fun. But just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t do anything without your wife/husband… right?
7. Please don’t set us up on dates without asking. I mean, set us up. We need you for that. But don’t do it without asking. Without veto power you’re setting us (both) up for a really awkward and unnecessary rejection.
8. Please don’t lie to us about what it is like to be married. Don’t be all like, “Marriage is peaches and cream” when you’ve spent all week fighting with your husband, and don’t say, “Oh, marriage isn’t really that cool anyway… you’re not really missing anything.” We need the inside scoop and you’re the one who can give it to us – the good, the bad and the ugly.
9. Please don’t tell us that if only we did/said/wore/ [fill-in-the-blank] then we’d be sure to find a husband. You’re over-simplifying and you’re asking us to be someone we’re not. More often than not, we’ll probably do the thing you told us to do and end up attracting someone who doesn’t fit with us at all.
10. Please don’t tell us that we must have something else that “God wants to teach us” before we can get married. Marriage is not the prize you earn when you learn everything God has to teach you. I’m sure God has more that he wants to teach me. And he probably has some things he still wants to teach you, too.
11. Please don’t ask us why we are still single. Like we have an answer to that question. And if we did, we’d probably be working through whatever it was, so we could join the ranks of married folks like you.
12. Please don’t make it your life’s mission to find us a wife or husband. I mean, we get it. You want us to be happy – blah, blah, blah. But make sure you let us know you love us just as we are, even without a wife or a husband.
13. Please don’t act like the single life is some sort of JV team. Especially when you’re ten years younger than we are. Share your advice, but listen to ours. Don’t make life all about marital status, because it isn’t. We have wisdom and perspective to offer too. It’s just different wisdom than yours.
14. Please don’t respond to our break-up by telling us, “He wasn’t worth it anyway…” We know what you mean but it makes it sound like we just flushed a good chunk of our lives down the toilet. Relationships are never a waste, as long as we learn from them.
15. Please don’t give us advice like, “No man is worth your tears and the only man who is won’t ever make you cry…” You sound like a Hallmark card and plus, it makes it sound like the pain of relationships stops after marriage. And you’re married, for heaven’s sake. You should know better!
Okay, I think I could go on forever, so I have to make myself stop. And single people. This list could be endless. I’m ready for your additions! What would you add to the list? Ever been the victim of one of these?
My name is Ally and I’m a writer, blogger and Christ-follower from Portland, Oregon. I run a lot, read a lot, think a lot, talk too much and write about it pretty much always. You can find me at Prodigal Magazine.
well — as a single guy I can say AMEN to this entire list. I literally laughed out loud as soon as I read number one, I cried half way through and then ended strong on a laugh. Seriously, this is a great list.
I would add this one: Don’t make me always come over to your house. Just because I am single doesnt mean my place sucks.
Darrell,
Oh my gosh, that is so true. Why do married people assume that single people can’t or don’t want to open up their home? Great one!
Darrell, totally true! I have single friends with really nice places, perfect for entertaining. Although, on that note… when is it going to be appropriate for single people to host parties where everyone brings them a kitchen appliance…? Haha, just kidding.
Kind of.
I want free appliances — house warming party at my new house in West Palm Beach in September — you are all invited.
Um, ditto. I cook/bake twice as much as most of my married friends. So why do I have to fight with no or second hand kitchen stuff?
I’m with ya!! I have purchased more wedding and baby shower gifts than one person should! when is it our turn to just get free stuff?? ;)
I love to read on your comment ally Keep it up
I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even WANT to go over to my married girlfriend-since-childhood’s house! She has a young daughter, and her daughter is always excited to see me, which is great, but I usually end up entertaining her during dinner while my friend and her husband talk! I’m there to see my friend (who invited me), not play babysitter while they have date night! Ugh!
Absolutely! Sometimes a single guy or single gal’s place is much more entertaining.
Darrell, so true! Friends NEVER come to my house. I hate that.
Or go out! I get it, you’re married and don’t need to go out and be social, but sitting at your place every weekend isn’t helping me meet anyone…
Yes!!!! Or just go out with other couples now and not you nice
Derrell! I like the list, too. I’ve had some married people snub me and I find it very annoying!!!
This is awesome! Totally agree with the list and could expound on each one. I’d add:
1. Don’t ask if we’ve tried online dating. EHarmony is not the cure-all you believe it to be.
2. Don’t set people up just because they’re single. The fact that I’m a single woman and he’s a single man is not enough to create an instant love match. Tell me why you think we’d be good together.
3. Also, don’t tell me you want to set me up with someone, talk about how amazing they are…and then never follow through.
Hope,
Your additions are great!So funny, witty, and true! And man, with the popularity of Internet dating sites, married people for some reason feel compelled to offer E Harmony as a solution. It’s embarrassing.
I would also add, if the “set-up” doesn’t work out, don’t pester us about it. Please no, “just give him one more chance,” “you’re being too picky,” or, “maybe he was just nervous!” We didn’t click, OK? I know he’s your husband’s best friend and you have dreams of us double-dating, but that is YOUR agenda, not mine. I’m not here to date someone I’m incompatible with just because my friends like the idea.
I agree with Nicole! Great additions – witty and funny! Also, your third point reminded me of something my friend Shannon said (that never made it onto my list but I thought it was really good) about how if a married couple wants to set up a single friend, they should tell the GUY about it first, since he is the one who will ideally do the asking. That way, if he never asks, the woman isn’t set up for disappointment.
Ally, that is dead on. It’s really embarassing as the girl to be the one interested and think something’s going to happen and then it doesn’t.
Completely agree with 2. When marrieds do that, I just want to ask them if they were interested in every single man they ever met back when they could date.
Amen!
totally with you on all of those!!! I have heard them all, and all so annoying.
1. Adding technology to the stress of dating just adds one more obstacle.
2. I have often said “being single is not enough in common to build a relationship.”
3. this makes me crazy! bring up then DO something about it or don’t bring it up at all!!
Exactly!!
Every once in a great while, a couple
would make all these promises to line me
up with an available honey, but never deliver…
One night about 2-3 years ago, this one guy and his girl
would say to me, “we’ll get you a girl”, and I said to this guy: “Don’t make promises that you have no intentions of keeping”…Well, that was the end of that discussion,
as those two young lovebirds walked away when I caught
him in a lie, ’cause I knew he’s all talk and no action.
Next time somebody concocts a rosy spin of
“meeting the special someone when I’m not looking”,
or “there’s somebody for everybody”, or even make
promises to line me up with an available lady,
I’m simply gonna reply:
“I’ll believe it when I see it”.
Maybe these kind of people will stop talking
the talk and start walking the walk, ’cause as the saying
goes, ~Action Speaks Louder Than Words~.
After all, I’ve got more important things to do
than constantly be the “third wheel” to all the
couples’ engaging in their romantic PDA
and I’m still alone wondering,
“when is it gonna be my turn to have someone?”
And the most annoying advice I sometimes get is
“you need to put yourself out there”…
Been there, done that, and the end result is the
same old status quo of being single, alone, and dateless,
while just about everybody I know is getting paired-up
left and right.
And for all these online dating sites…
There’s really no guarantee that I’ll meet anybody
in any of these sites, who’d be truly interested in me,
and I’m not gonna spend a fortune in subscribing
to these such sites either.
I shouldn’t have to spend money to find a girlfriend.
Love comes from the heart and spirit, not from a credit/debit card, wallet, nor bank account.
If you really want to know the truth of the matter,
I think a lot of these online “dating” sites are in it
for the money and not making love connections.
And unless I see real living proof that there is a special
someone/soul-mate in my picture, I’m gonna pretty much
remain skeptical on that worn-out, sugar-coated spin,
“there’s somebody for everybody”.
I think I go with number 11 the most. Though, I guess it’s different once you’ve been divorced, like I have.
My brother is single though, and I think lots of people we know disregard several of these.
I wonder though, what SHOULD people say to singles…
Lay it on us Antwuan…what do you think people SHOULD say to singles. What is acceptable and appropriate?
Antwuan – yes, pretty please! You should write a post about what marrieds should say/do for singles!
Yes! A post for what marrieds should say to singles would be great. I think one thing on the list should be: just let us vent, and be willing to listen. Hearing things like, “The right one is out there,” comes off as dismissive. It’s like sating, “I don’t want to hear about it.”
This is awesome! Funny but true. Dave and I experienced it all before we got married. The set-ups, the well-meaning catch-phrases. Probably the motto I live(d) by is “I’ll be myself thank-you-very-much and if someone wants to join me, myself and God, then so be it!” It’s that simple and everyone needs to remember that a change from being single to married is NOT the goal in life NOR is having children…it’s simply part of someone’s own personal journey. A grateful heart with every step…
Sara,
So well said. Marriage is not and should not be the goal in life. With that, we have to remember that marriage is not for everyone 9neither is having kids).
One person commented on my post over at Ally’s blog that we should be celebrating each others lives, whatever and wherever they are. I love that!
Sara Lin, love that you are seeing it from both sides! That’s cool. And it reminds me to keep in mind that my married friends have the best intentions.
And I also love what you said about a grateful heart. Gratitude is key, I think. No matter where we are in our journey.
Here’s my add. Don’t tell your newly single friends, don’t worry, Mr Right is out there somewhere for you. I’m still trying to get over Mr Wrong. Let me grief before you decide I HAVE to date.
And, Don’t ever tell me I have to love myself before someone else can love me. I DO love myself, which is why Mr. Wrong is gone.
Oh Ade, the “Mr Right” and “Mr Wrong” reference. Classic and not-so-classic.
…and the “love yourself” line. It makes me cringe.
Ade, so true. I think it’s possible that some happily matched people truly forget what it feels like to go through a break-up; and the result is unhelpful advice :-/
Oh dear Lord, yes. This should be e-mailed to all married couples post-honeymoon. Thank you Ally for this incredibly relevant list of suggestions.
I know, right? This should be made mandatory reading material for all married people. We can be such morons sometimes.
At least your not alone in your moronic-ness :) Single people have their moments too!
Haha, that would be amazing.
“Here’s your marriage certificate, and here’s your… Guest Post from Nicole’s blog…” :)
Thank you for this! I started dating my husband when I was 17, and married him at 20. I have no idea what it’s like to be single, and I’m terrified that I will say something insensitive when I’m with my single friends. Usually I just ignore the topic of relationships all together, but then I worry that I’m giving the impression that I’ve given up hope of them every having a relationship. Haha!
Melissa, I love your honesty! That is too cool. I would encourage you not to feel too shy with your single friends. Remind them that you have good intentions (we need that wake-up call sometimes) and what helps and what doesn’t. It’s likely all they need is someone to listen to; which anyone can do, regardless of dating expertise.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Melissa – way to be aware of it! I feel like that is one more step than lots of married folks take. :) if your single friends bring it up, then feel free to talk about it with them. They obviously want to talk to you, or they wouldn’t have brought it up. Just try to avoid the typical trite little cliches that so easily roll off the tongue, but aren’t helpful. “Don’t worry, God has a plan.” “Let go. Let God.” “You should try e-harmony.” :) Also, if you know of any quality singles to set your friends up with, be brave enough to do that! Lots of times, we don’t know where to go to meet people, so we have to depend on our friends to set us up.
“Don’t make life all about marital status, because it isn’t.” You’re a heart-felt genius, Ally Spotts!
Haha, thanks Emily! Not sure I deserve that… Especially since I stole that line from my lovely friend Shannon. Glad you liked it, though! I’ll pass genius title to her :)
I agree with a lot of these, but not so much #12. Most of my married friends have plenty of single friends but don’t even try to set any one up. I would prefer that they put some thought and effort into at least helping their single friends meet each other.
Good point, Roger. I do totally appreciate married friends helping me out! And statistically, it’s really I’ll meet my spouse via married friends.
I guess I just want to warn marrieds against acting like singleness is the plague and they’re trying to help me find a cure :)
Amen to that, Roger!
I love this post Ally! I too was single for quite awhile, or at least longer than many of my friends. I did get married last year and man, he was worth the wait. No matter what, I am making it my mission to not forget what it was like to be single.
#1 still makes me annoyed to this day. My take now- who knows when it will happen? (well God does, but I certainly don’t) So it’s my promise to tell my friend’s my story, but also tell them that theirs will be different. Guaranteed.
Married friends should be great listeners and that’s what I strive for in my friendships. I’m sure I mess up and say the wrong thing, but I now understand both sides.
#16-Do not ask a single person if they’re seeing someone. If they want you to know they’ll tell you, if they’re not seeing someone then you’re just rubbing salt on the wound. Not fun.
Great additions Heather!
Also, I have to say, no matter how many times I hear “I was single for a long time and he was well worth the wait!” It never gets old, so thanks for saying that :)
Married people, you can say that (to me at least) all you want.
I’m sure the list could go on and on. I feel like you touched on the most dominant ones we see and hear constantly.
I would add:
Don’t try and list all the new up-and-coming online dating sites or say classic lines like, “Have you really put yourself out there? Have you tried?”…and then proceed to tell how you met your spouse and it was worth the wait.
Married people this is what i have to say- “WE ARE NOT SITTING ON OUR BUTTS TWIDDLING OUR THUMBS!!!”
So much this! I was just told this very thing week before last.
Don’t ask us to babysit so you can go out with your married friends. Yes, this happened and yes, I felt like I was seventeen again instead of a fully functioning 30 year old adult!
Ugh. May I apologize to you Rachel on behalf of all insensitive married people everywhere.
Haha, that’s horrible. But a funny story at least…? Okay, sorry. Trying to look on the bright side.
I will say, though, I think it’s awesome when singles volunteer to babysit for their married friends. My friends with kids rarely get to spend time alone together and it is a really great opportunity for me to minister to them & their marriages!
Also, don’t assume that just because I am single I WANT to watch your kids. I have very little experience with children and babysitting is a very stressful thing for me! Also, I would add to remember that sometimes a single person just needs a hug. We don’t get them very often!
i just told my married best friend this last nite! we need hugs, often! at least i do!
I can add a few more.
1. Please don’t refer to us in any way as an “old maid” if we aren’t married by 30.
2. Don’t assume there is something innately wrong with us if we haven’t found the right mate.
3. Don’t tell your spouse they can’t hang out with us because we’re single (it’s no contagious).
4. Don’t look down on us when we have to handle some personal issues, maintenance at work. We don’t have a second half at home paying the bills, cleaning, hanging heavy things for us etc.
I too could go on for forever on this one….
How about do no assume we must be gay! Although it is usually friends who you haven’t known long who assume this. Nothing wrong with being gay and if I were then I would be open about it because I am not a bigot. But here’s the thing – that person who spread a rumour at my workplace saying I was a lesbian, I am not, never have been and never likely to be a lesbian. If I were I would not deny it, so grow up you silly narrow minded bigot.
Oops should read those who assume…..
I think I could agree with all of these and most of the comments as well. Also, as a single mother, don’t tell me “happy father’s day.” No matter how hard I try, I won’t fill the role of dad for my daughter. I can only be the best mom I can be and just trust God for the rest. Great post.
So true! What bugs me is the whole “marriage isn’t so great” line, like that is supposed to make me feel better? Ummm, if you want to be single, that is a very attainable goal. :)
The best is when married people say that and then say, “No, but you really should get married…” :) Funny.
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I couldn’t agree more with all 15 of the items on this list. I’m one of the few single people in a decent sized church. I feel so lonely there because this type of stuff happens all the time.
Brian, “lonely” is a good way to describe it – I hadn’t ever thought about it before. I think marrieds and singles both just want to feel like they are equally part of the community, regardless of marital status. Great point. Thanks for sharing.
thanks for your website and article-i “stumbled”across it on a goggle search.
thanks for your website and article-i “stumbled”across it on a google search tonight.
I want married people to remember some people are happy being single.
Great post Ally! Having gotten married at 39 (just two years ago) I think I’d probably heard them all, especially #11. As if I could come up with REAL answer to why I was still single. I mean, I probably could have, but that doesn’t mean it was true. It’s just such an awkward question. It’s like they’re saying, “What’s wrong with you that I can’t see on the outside?” To be fair though, I have to chalk that one up to the other person just not knowing what else to say in the presence of my singleness. Actually, that still kinda happens now about having kids, but it goes more like this… Them: “Do you have kids?” Me: “No.” Them: “Oh.” {awkward silence}
Thanks for your great post! I look forward to reading more.
Oh, so grateful I found this blog! And here I was thinking I was alone! Let me add two more to this list:
#1: Dont assume that two single people who you are trying to set up are going to hit it off because they are the same ethnicity/race. It is almost laughable to see the guys they try to match me with and they say “Well we just thought you guys would have a lot in common…” I ask them “Really like what?” And then there is an akward silence….
#2: Stop trying to live vicariously through your single friends. I can’t tell you how many times certain friends of mine have tried to set me up with guys that THEY are attracted to but can’t be with – so they try to arrange a fix up between you and the guy so that they can live through you (and demand to know every detail of your involvement with the guy). Or they are always pushing you to go to clubs thinking that you will find THE ONE – yet they are doing more flirting, drinking and partying than you – heck sometimes they are even competing with you!
I was single for a long time before I got married (at age 42), and all I can say is this list sounds almost exactly like something I could have written from my experience. What about the “Jesus and Paul were single line?” My all-time favorite is the “content first, then spouse” comments.
Honestly, I was the first out of my friends to get married, and most, if not all of them are still single, and they don’t ever come around after I have gotten married. It’s like they have blown me off.
good article. what a same you’re christian!
Here’s the one that grates on me the most—if I discuss any aspect of the trials and tribulations of my dating life (especially if you’ve asked me about it), don’t respond with any version of “I’m SO glad I’m married and I don’t have to worry about THAT anymore!” I was married for 10 years and after that was in another quasi-married relationship for 10 years with a man I assumed I would spend the rest of my life with. Shit happens. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds. Ugh.
I love this list! I remember feeling like the only thing my married/”in serious relationship” friends wanted to talk about was relationships, and I wasn’t in one. Sometimes I would mention a crush just so we would have something to talk about. Just because someone is single doesn’t mean that they have nothing to talk about! I am trying to do my best to remember these things as I am about to get married.
Kristi,
The fact that you are aware of these things now, as you enter marriage, gives me hope that you will be a great friend to your single friends!
I also hate how married friends will dismiss a discussion about a boyfriend. Like they’re thinking, “Oh, he’s just a boyfriend; I’m talking about my HUSBAND and our very solid MARRIAGE.” Well, what was he before he was your HUSBAND?
What sucks is once you’re married, the topic then becomes kids. As a married person, I make sure that I can discuss things other than relationships. If I ever have a kid, I will do the same. Life is not all about marriage and kids nor should it be.
I love this list. I once wrote something similar for our church’s blog because I was so sick of people saying this stuff. Now I’m grateful for my time single because I remember what it was like and try not to do that to my single friends.
amen, sister. Heard that one sooooo many times. Let’s stop the smugness of married couples now! :)
I like what you have to share — I love it. Yet, I feel it’s coming from a stereotypically feminist perspective. Of course, you’re female, so in a sense it’s justifiable. Nevertheless, I believe that men have much to contribute to such a topic/conversation (especially being one). The singles game is bi-sexual/dually gendered — if there are men out there willing and able to comment — then please do.
Rock on, Wayne.
This is not just for married people, but for others as well – esp. those in church/ministry leadership: When I talk about being lonely, or my desires to get married, please do not respond with “Jesus is enough”. If Jesus is enough, then why did God create Eve for Adam? Why did he create us to be in relationships, or to be in community? There are many scriptures that point out that the marriage relationship is modelled after how God wants his relationship with us to be & that “he who finds a wife finds a good thing.” etc, etc. There is only a very few people in the Bible that have stayed single & received the gift of celibacy/singleness. So please don’t patronize me by telling me that “Jesus (should be) more than enough”. & Especially don’t follow that up with #1. I will want to hit you or say very bad things. I just found your webite, sooooooo loving it: refreshing, real & honest. Thank you! Ps: could also put “Jesus is enough” under the the top 10 list of phrases not hear.
Gracelight, you hit on a few points that I have written about many times. I know the frustration when people tell you “Jesus is enough.” It’s a lie actually. He is my everything, but not my only thing. It sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it’s not. As you point out, God made Eve. We are not meant to be alone or lonely.
If you’re interested (and I hope I’m not coming off as self-promoting) I wrote two posts that discuss this topic: Should God Alone Make You Happy? and also The Single Christian Woman: Blessed or Doomed?
Thank you for commenting and sharing your thoughts.
Soooo true! It makes me want to ask the marrieds: “OK, then why are you married? Wasn’t Jesus enough for you?!”
I’ve been single and married and divorced and single and engaged. When I was single my married friends or friends that were romantically linked never invited me anywhere except if they had to match a single guy up with a single girl/woman. I spent Xmas and Thanksgiving alone because I was single (that hurt.) I spent July 4th and LaborDay and Memorial Day with married friends in need of inviting singles. What they never knew was all I really preferred was the Turkey because for me, it was isolating to be alone on the big holidays.
as much as we like and probably even love your family…we sometimes just want time with whichever half of the married couple we are friends with. PLEASE don’t push your family on us all the time! we dig time with JUST YOU!
I totally agree with all of these and I think there is a 16th one and that is:
—- So many married couples constantly say well be happy your single, marriage is so hard blah blah blah. Um yeah maybe for YOU it’s HARD!!! Doesn’t mean it will be hard for US!!! The other one that a lot of married couples say is: must be nice to be single. Um yeah it WAS, now we are SICK and TIRED of it!!!
—- Also I find it interesting how so many married couples have this switch that turns off when they are married where once couples are married you shouldn’t ask them about their single friends, or some couples eve drops the this particular friend of ours is single but then theres that uncomfortableness of like yeah they said she was single but us singles shouldn’t go for her cause she’s a “friend”. Why is it friends, family members etc automatically when married shut off their single friends from asking about if they have single friends?????? Why the eff is that a bad thing???????
—- Awe I’m starting to feel this one: 13. Please don’t act like the single life is some sort of JV team. It’s like married couples and some married friends start treating their single friends like there littler then them or something like that.
—- Another one is married couples start thinking that since he or she is single then they are always availble and can always go babysit that nephew/niece just so the sister, brother in law, sister in law, brother can be cheap asses cause they don’t want to spend $40 on a babysitter. Um yeah if babysitter has to bail and there is some emergency of course but married couples need to QUIT assuming since were single were just ALWAYS AVAILBLE, DON’T HAVE A LIFE and or we just want to do your shit work. NO!!!!!!!! Were Aunts and Uncles to your kids, not you effin full time dam* babysitter!!!
I totally agree with all of these and I think there is a 16th one and that is:
—- So many married couples constantly say well be happy your single, marriage is so hard blah blah blah. Um yeah maybe for YOU it’s HARD!!! Doesn’t mean it will be hard for US!!! The other one that a lot of married couples say is: must be nice to be single. Um yeah it WAS, now we are SICK and TIRED of it!!!
—- Also I find it interesting how so many married couples have this switch that turns off when they are married where once couples are married you shouldn’t ask them about their single friends, or some couples eve drops the this particular friend of ours is single but then theres that uncomfortableness of like yeah they said she was single but us singles shouldn’t go for her cause she’s a “friend”. Why is it friends, family members etc automatically when married shut off their single friends from asking about if they have single friends?????? Why is that a bad thing???????
—- Awe I’m starting to feel this one: 13. Please don’t act like the single life is some sort of JV team. It’s like married couples and some married friends start treating their single friends like there littler then them or something like that.
—- Another one is married couples start thinking that since he or she is single then they are always availble and can always go babysit that nephew/niece just so the sister, brother in law, sister in law, brother can be cheap asses cause they don’t want to spend $40 on a babysitter. Um yeah if babysitter has to bail and there is some emergency of course but married couples need to QUIT assuming since were single were just ALWAYS AVAILBLE, DON’T HAVE A LIFE and or we just want to do your awful work. NO!!! Were Aunts and Uncles to your kids, not you full time babysitter!!!
Middle Aged Queer here again,
I think what a lot of this conversation highlights is that Christians are not living in community. They’re just living out the American dream (North American dream? Western dream? Wet dream?…I’m a Canadian…) with a veneer of Xianity slopped on top of it.
I find myself intrigued by your website. I checked it out via a link from Drew Marshall (a different Drew. Sorry, Mr. Marshall!). I’ll listen to your interview. I hope I find more than I’m expecting, i.e. an interesting, earnest young Christian woman who, while cloaked in a charming garment of funkiness and apparent honesty, is still trotting out the same black and white dogma that sounds great in theory but doesn’t really begin to address the real life questions of those of us who don’t fit into neat little boxes.
Sorry if I’m being a bit of a douche. You sound like a neat person. I just am finding much of the “talk” boring and wanting (and I LOVE the talk) when stacked up against the “walk”(seriously wanting) that I experience in day to day life.
Cheers…
Canadian Middle Aged Queer
Did I say “wanting” twice? My bad. It’s late here in the foot hills…
Drew, I guess the question your comment leaves me asking is , what exactly would you expect to hear a young Christian woman say that really would begin to address the “real life questions” for those “who don’t fit into neat little boxes?” You refer to “black and white dogma,” which I find interesting because I don’t personally believe God is a gray-God. I think He very much operates in black and white. A lot of people, especially Christians, do not feel comfortable with this idea and so they begin to operate as though the Christian faith were gray.
I mean, I think we are saying the same thing, in that talk is nice and all (and can even be productive) , but the walk is what truly matters.
If you set us up with someone, and nothing developed, let it go. Supress the desire to remind us about what a good person we let go by.
Please don’t set us up with someone just because they are single. Consider if you would have wanted to be set up with this person back when you were single.
i agree with your list and appreciate your insightful perspective on multiple details between single or married lifestyles, as a single guy in a shallow society ready to judge others over superficial flaws the pressure to keep up with everybody else in one’s generation or live as a failure and an outcast is irritating. personally i think that apathy is far worse than interfering or offering advice. i do have one to add to the list btw: telling your single friend they should lower their standards of what they personally find attractive in the opposite(or same sex) just so they can find a date
@David:
“…telling your single friend they should lower their standards of what they personally find attractive in the opposite(or same sex) just so they can find a date.”
THANK YOU!!!!
What is wrong with people? It’s ESPECIALLY insulting when the person saying this, has picture-perfect (On the outside, of course), mate with everything they ever wanted.
That is THE most insulting comment they can say.
Both my single self and my non-single self absolutely love this! Thank you for posting.
Here’s my addition:
Don’t tell your single friends you wish you could just pick up and have a free life like they do, or that you wish you could do xxx, but it’s different now that you have a family. Either chose to do something, or choose not to. Being ‘tied down’ is not a fact, it’s a belief.
Absolutely indifferent to all of the above – guess being male brings about different criteria.
I pity married people / couples on the whole, because most couples I have met (I include myself) just pretend to be content; there is almost always tension / resentment just under the surface.
Being single suits me best.
Don’t assume I’m sleeping around with strangers on the daily because I’m single and attractive. We aren’t all like that, I’m not going to steal your man. I don’t need to be asked when the last time I’ve had sex is every time I see you.
I’m sorry… and also very late to the party… but it seems really superficial for you to lump all married people and all single people together in that way. There’s a lot of things single people say to married people that they shouldn’t too. Not to mention the huge reality that most single friends just stop inviting their married friend out too. The road goes both ways, and all parties are equally guilty at being bad/insensitive friends at times. Maybe rather than stewing over all the things and listing them you could promote openness and honesty in your own relationships. All married people don’t do all these things, and single people don’t all hate these things. Make the changes in your own life, don’t just create a venting circle.
Zedd,
I totally agree. In fact, I wrote a post on the flip side of the issue, discussing the things that single people shouldn’t say to their married friends at Ally’s old blog.
Here’s the link of you’re interested: http://allisonvesterfelt.com/things-singles-should-never-saydo-to-married-friends-a-guest-post-by-nicole-cottrell/
that is true! please don’t tell us to try something wild,like even dating someone engaged to or taken..as much as possible i dont want to rush love though im old enough to get married but things are not just easy.
None of my friends are married, but they are all in serious relationships. They make jokes questioning my sexuality, because I’m almost 20 and I’ve never dated. I just haven’t found another signal person I would want to date, or even care to have around.
When ever my friends and I go out they always try to hook my me up with waitress for kicks. It’s funny at first; however, after awhile it gets old. I’m easily annoyed.
I found this post relatable. Thanks for posting. I wish you farewell.
Theres a few things you forgot on this list. All of my friends are basically married or coupled off and now a good majority (single and coupled) have kids now. They act like I don’t exist only when they want a babysitter they call me up and be all sweet and shit to me and wanna drop off their monsters and then get their new mommy friends and drop THEIR kids off on me and go bar hopping and partying. When I say no I’m not going to do that (they won’t even pay or ask if I would accept a small something). They respond well you don’t have a man and you don’t have kids and you have nothing else to do.
Tried to make new friends and now they have kids or a significant other they want to tell me they don have time for me and give me a crazy excuse. When I question them about it they get mad and stop talking to me completely or they say well you will never understand so that’s why we don’t include you.
Like wtf. Because of them I hate coupled people and people who want to talk about that bullshit. Like can we talk about music?? Can we talk about the weather?? Hell underpants I don’t give a damn but they’re lousy ass friends and in finding out I’m better off alone. They guys are just as bad. I’m 25 and never had a bf or a date I did everything the experts say and I still got ignored. But maybe they’re easy I dunno but I refuse to get sucked in.
Jealousy ain’t what I’m feeling. Either be my friend or not. It’s not hard. Don’t tell me you’re busy but 5mins later post your fantabulous field trip outting you had with your “non single” friends. Like screw that fuck you!
Sorry for my rant ;p lol
Wow this was posted ages ago but I just stumbled across it and thought “What the hell..I’ll comment”
I know exactly what it’s like being single and being asked to babysit for a friend who is going out with their spouse and their couple mates. I HATED that feeling. It’s like “You know I’m still your friend right? And that I still have the same interests as you still yeah?” Very frustrating :(
Since those single days, I married my best friend and yeah..we do everything together. I’ve (as insensitive as this sounds) abandoned my single friends. NOT because they’re single but because of the drama that comes with being single. What married/couple people don’t like is their single mates going on and on and on about how lonely they are. They have no one to cuddle and hold, no one to call their own, no one to hold hands with and be close to, no one to share their life with blah blah blah it’s depressing and there’s nothing we can do about it. Once they do find a partner, they go on about how great it is til they get hurt and it falls apart and you’re stuck dealing with it. A week later they find themselves in the same situation AGAIN and yet AGAIN it comes crumbling down and you’re standing there going “I’m not going to keep repeating myself…STOP going after the same type of bad boy image and find a decent man” They say “There’s no decent men out there” and there bloody well is!!!! They just put these “Nice guys” in the friend zone because they want the bad boy. It disgusts me that people think like this and it’s no wonder they’re single.
I do realise that my post is heaps insensitive and I apologise if I have offended anyone but the door swings both ways…
What are us ‘coupled’ people meant to do or say to make it better? Avoid the topic?
At least u have someone! Its very hard to look at people like u.
Nita,
I think you are delusional because you are married. You don’t know anything about being single. So SHUT UP. I’ve always dated the nice guys but they never loved me in that way. Not all of us date bad boys. Married people get on my nerves thinking that their advice has validity. It doesn’t to a single person.
I don’t know how I got to this site??? But started reading all the single comments had some laughs!!! And was wondering as I got to the end??? Who are?? What would you like like ???? So on… And to my surprise Your Pretty. That’s all
Great article! I’m also tired of hearing things like “Ask a single person to do it, they have more time.” I understand that people with kids have their hands full…but it’s like saying single people have no one, nothing, and their time isn’t as valuable. And actually, there are 24 hours in the day…single or married.
Just to add my pet hate of people in couple, don’t expect me to pay half when we go out as you count yourselves as one person! You’re not!
Also please stop assuming I can afford to do everything you can, I have one wage coming in, you have two!
Sorry really annoys me how quickly people forget what it’s like being single lol
THANK you!!
I told my friend that i was tired of being single and she said that im not old enough to be tired of it…. Im 31 but thats not the point lol. How old are you supposed to be lol? You get too old you wont care… I dont want to not care. Besides that she hasnt ever been single for any long period of time so i just stared at her when she said that.
I love this ESP #10 !!!
I have one of my own
Stop telling me God has called me to be single to serve him instead! Just because I’m 37 and single doesn’t mean I was called to be single!
Excuse me Nita! !! You have someone! Um hello!
Great list. Also:
-stay away from the ever popular line, ‘you have to put yourself out there’. I’m pretty sure i’m doing that now.
&
-please don’t ignore me when we go out. I don’t mind being the fifth wheel, but I get bored when the couples are so into each other that I might as well be part of the furniture. you wanted me to hang out with you so act like it.
Hi. single female. Like Im still not past 16.
Reading this was all nice. Been single, married2 and single. Been more single. Both sides. When Im part of a couple I prefer their company and it usually excludes others. Thats just me, I guess. Everyone needs to include others when possible. Yes – Ive heard all these above. I anger at couples who look down on singles. 2. Get this! Now, Im in a Long distance relationship – not together, yes apart, have to act like a person in a couple when living single. Work and at home by self most time,friends are are unavailable. I have less available people, either gone, moved, or deceased. I am alone as friends are not available. And sometimes I go out of town, no one knows what to expect of me, either….. I make it awkward, too. Dont see any signs of togetherness, yet the Other loves it all and does not want to stop this relationship. Im just tired of the alone time. Guilty, they have someone up their butt all day.
Interesting list. I find number 10. is one of the more annoying comments people can make. The implication of the remark is that somehow the married person is more mature and refined compared to the single who is just not ‘ready’ for marriage yet. Thats a silly idea. It actually makes more sense to argue that the married person is the less mature and weaker person since their spouse is meant to be a ‘helper’, one intended to help bring about a greater level of sanctification. In other words, one might suggest God saw so much sin and selfishness in the married person that he gave them their spouse to help them become aware and repent of all of it.
One of the other things that gets on my nerves is when people come up with a list of extrabiblical qualifications for marriage i.e. educational, spiritual maturity etc. If you want to know if you are ready for marriage, please consider: 1 Cor 7:9 “But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” To put it bluntly, if you have a desire for sexual intercourse, you are ready for marriage.
To obtain God’s approval for marriage:
1. You DON’T need to attain a certain level of spiritual maturity.
2. You DON’T need to be “content” with your singleness.
3. You DON’T need to have listened to 45 messages on courtship and marriage by your pastor, nor do you even need his approval to get married.
4. You DON’T need to have a college degree and a stable career.
If you have a desire for sex you are read for marriage and are actually commanded to marry.
What really burns my biscuit is when people say that God should fill all our needs. Really? Are we meant to live in solitude? Why do we have sexual urges? I say “Nay, nay!” to those! God meets our needs through people, quite often. It can be friendship, or familial connections, or fellowship with other Christians, but we desire intimacy; it is the way God created us. Sure, it may not take the form of romantic/sexual relationships, but there is nothing to be ashamed of wanting intimate connections with people.
I love, love, love this list, particularly after reading so much crap out there from “smug marrieds” (aka Bridget Jones). I don’t care what anybody says, nothing beats great sex, and if God intended it for marriage only, why should we not be impatient for it?
I love that you said “smug”. I use that word all the time with married couples :) Sexual urges are holy and good in the right context of course. That is indeed a tough one! You are so right, We are not meant to live in solitude. But I think we do put a lot of pressure on ourselves to think that “marriage” is going to take away that feeling of loneliness and solitude and happiness will be constant. Marriage doesn’t solve that. Marriage is harder than being single. If we can find good companions and friendships, it’s so much easier to be single. Happiness comes from seeking “righteousness” Righteousness contains happiness. Without it, we just have “fleeting” moments of happiness. That is how God fills all of our needs. Try this–If you look in the Bible and find the word “Blessed”, it means happiness. If you substitute the word blessed with happy or happiness, you can find the action steps God is talking about for your life! Someone taught that to me recently and it really works! Check out the beatitudes and substitute “blessed” with “happiness”. It really helps you see how much God wants you to be happy and HOW he does it.
Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa! i cannot stop laugh. It is Christmas and since your single you have to sleep in the couch! http://www.christiantruthcenter.com/
Please don’t assume that because you have kids and I’m not married or a mother, that I’m chomping at the bit to watch them.
I’m actually a very busy person too.
“3. Please don’t tell us how “easy” we have it being single. There might be some truth to that statement, but you know what? We get this a lot. And don’t forget that when life gets rough you have someone to share the load with you. Remember to be grateful for that.”
SO SO SO TRUE. Single friends get EFFIN, SO EFFIN TIRED of hangin with the parents, aunts, uncles especially during the DAMN hollidays cause you have your WIFE, HUSBAND, girlfriend now. Plus we then have to come home ALONE, we don’t have someone to come home TO, we don’t have someone to SHARE how OUR EFFIN DAY WAS, WE KNOW THAT YOUR ALL MARRIED DON’T HAVE THAT “SOMEONE” TO GO DO THINGS WITH. Yeah yeah yeah there is all that join a club, meet new friends etc. We single people do that, but friends that we have been friends with forever and are now either in serious live in relationships, engaged or married they are our close friends and those clubs etc. are great to meet new people but I don’t know to many people that meet new “friends” through the clubs such as you know where you always hang out with them like you do/did with your true “hang” friends. Yeah you’ll get to know new people, make “friends” but with clubs I don’t think there are many people that find new friends that become the “hang” out friends, the call up go to his house and “hang” friend like your now married “hang” friend. We single friends want that girlfriend, serious relationship to be able to go hang with her or her with him. Going home alone SUCKS especially when the holidays roll around when all your friends, brother’s and sisters are married.
“Please don’t assume that because you have kids and I’m not married or a mother, that I’m chomping at the bit to watch them. I’m actually a very busy person too.” Exactly!!!!! Married couples with kids that have single brothers or sisters think they can be the full time “baby” sitters instead of them getting their own damn babysitters. Then the married couples start whining about it’s expensive, married couple with babies then think oh since he or she’s not married they must not have a life so they can always babysit same goes with the grandparents. You have to put your foot down and tell them that ONCE in a great while you’ll be glad to babysit but not every weekend, not every time you want to go out during the week etc.
wow im late but wanted to comment, im pretty content now in my singleness only sometimes now do i get upset and throw a pity party because i realize it says whatever your state you are in to be content, if God chooses to give me a mate or not, the thing is not about what i want but about whats BEST for me and GOD’s will for me. Because one thing i WONT do anymore and thats want what GOD doesnt WANT for me or be looking at everyone else like they got the end all be all, the devil will whisper to me that i am not good enough because i dont have what she or he got, but seriously im about to shut his mouth because after all GOD loves me and what RIGHT does he have to slander me or my reputation because GOD has chosen not to do this or that. Im so sick of it. Its not my issue its GODs and if im not ready or able to be married well GOD bless you, but im not going to be mad about it another day. God didnt give me that stigma so i dont have to answer to it.
I’ve though about this quite a bit over the years and would like to offer some thoughts on what to say or do. DO invite your single friends to your gatherings.Don’assume that just because they are single they have plans every night or that they are sitting at home alone and lonely – ASK what they are up to.
Be willing to enter their world. Ask about their careers, hobbies, activities, dreams. I don’t always want to talk about my married friends children. I love their children but life is multifaceted. My brother recently became a part time care pastor while he completes his seminary degree. He calls me to ask my advice about counseling people. That’s been my profession for 9 years. When he started asking for my help a year ago, it was the best Christmas gift he could have given me.
I hate how people think that I’m being too picky and are annoyed when I say that I’m not attracted to their friend they are trying to set me up with.
I was also told I should seriously consider freezing my eggs because I’m running out if time. Trust me, I know what time it is.
oh how true is number 2 and 3, i have been single for a year now with 2 children and i remember a friend who went through a similar situation saying to me ‘bewarned, once you’re single no-one will invite you to do’s, parties, little get togethers or even just for a coffee and a natter’ and do you know she was so right. I’ve been slowly dropped, and i think its because people see me as a threat to their husbands/boyfriends, almost like they think i’m going to eat their man alive the minute i walk in the door, which i find insulting and very hurtful. My intention is not to ‘cop off’ with someone elses partner, but just to be able to sit and have a chat and catchup with who i thought of as friends.
Keep on going close to them do not run away form them because you are single, single will one day be come married
Dont say: “O you are so lucky I wish I was single”
No you don’t if you wished you were single you would be single. Yes I LOVE being single. I am young and having fun and not as boring as all my married friends, but if you are honestly envious you would be single
This is a great list I stumbled across by accident. But so much truth here – married people (especially smug-married-Christians) need to read this.
Most of the time I enjoy my singleness, and like the freedom it brings. But inside there is a desire to be married. I’m 35 and never had a serious long-term relationship, and it’s not for lack of trying at all.
Honestly, despite my rational self knowing singleness can be good, enjoyable and my identity doesn’t come from my marital status, knowing a wife can’t complete me, save me, make me whole, solve all my problems or even stop me from feeling lonely, I still feel very bitter and angry sometimes.
I honestly do feel like God hates me, doesn’t give a toss about me and wants me to die alone and only blesses me occasionally to tease me or give me false hope, and I see this demonatrated the most when I see all my friends and people who have hurt me given all the blessings I desire – including marriage – and meanwhile I do all the right things, push all the doors (including internet dating) never hurt anyone intentionally and never bullied anyone yet get totally ignored. It sometimes feels like God is too busy blessing everyone else with the things I want, like marriage, to even get round to me, because He knows I won’t abandon Him. I resent all my married friends at times and am sick of their pity, their comments about ‘marriage is really hard’ type things which are meant well but frankly make me feel somehow worse than them for being single. My church is full of married people my age and there’s hardly any single people in the church.
There’s a lot of bitterness, envy, jelousy, anger and resentment in my heart – even though I actually enjoy being single, and don’t feel like I need a partner. I just feel bitter God seems to have ignored me whilst making sure everyone else is blessed. And no words of comfort are going to heal this, only God giving me a partner is going to make me feel He actually cares, and of course then I’ll probably die just after we get married, or she will, or we won’t be able to have kids, or some other suffering which doesn’t happen to any of my friends will happen to me.
Am I bitter? Yes. Does it sound childish? Definitely. Do I feel like this most of the time? No, not at all.
But the little child who was bullied and had a hell-like teenage years, and lost his mother relatively young, hurts very much, and sometimes this emotion does get the better of me.
PS: I know God doesn’t hate me. I was just saying that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, when I’m really down, it can feel this way. I know God loves and values me, and Jesus died for me. I’m a mature Christian and know the truth.
I just have my moments, like we all do. And of course on Valentine’s Day, it’s all around me, which doesn’t make it easy.
When Valentines Day comes around, I focus on the history and real meaning behind this saint. It makes me smile and gives me great perspective! It’s such a bloody gory day really,and it cracks me up how no one really celebrates the love of dying for someone, they go out to dinner instead and probably don’t even get it! James, I so get it. you are not alone.:)
Thank you! The truth of the fact is that us single people do not have it easy. In fact, it can hurt like a motherfucker too (especially if you’ve never had anybody). I guess the only thing I can say is that, when you get to be a certain age, there is no way out of the pain. ALL COUPLES (especially married ones) SHOULD BURN AND ROT IN HELL! I do not know what makes those putrid lovebirds think they are superior entirely because they are together; that is nothing to feel superior about. They should die a brutal death that is what and, better yet, keep their big mouths the fuck closed.
Married couples say all the wrong, smug things to us…but the more i pay attention to them, I find a pattern of marriage being very difficult for every couple i meet. I don’t always envy them at all! That makes me embrace being single and try to find the value in that. I don’t like the attitude that I’m not married “yet”. I think married couples really need to realize that they are blessed to have each other and stop assuming that we missed out on some magic formula that worked for them that they try to apply to us. I hate when they tell me to simply do what they did…
I know this is an old post but My best friend (who is currently having issues with her own marriage) :( is telling me that I should not be looking for another man right now. Why do I have to be alone? Being alone is not going to make me like myself more or make me feel better about myself. I have a boyfriend, sort of, who is a nice guy, but not into the relationship thing. He expects me to always come to him. I drive way too much as it because work is too far away from where I live, but I am also a single mom with shared custody of my daughter. Its complicated. :( No one seems to get it. I am lonely.
Here’s another one: please don’t tell us we’re being too picky. In many cases, if there’s a requirement with respect to our partners, it’s one that comes from painful experience.
As an example, I will not date men who have children. The reason I won’t is because I tried it three times and all three relationships were miserable failures, partly because while I understood INTELLECTUALLY that there was a reason I was his #2 while he was my #1, I couldn’t understand it EMOTIONALLY. I finally came to the conclusion that I just can’t tolerate sharing my partner with someone else. Is this a failing? Yes. But there’s only one Person who was ever absolutely perfect, and that person is definitely not me.
I’m now at the age where refusing to date men with children means my dating pool is extremely narrow. Yet I know from experience that I’d be miserable if I compromised, and more importantly, I’d make my partner miserable no matter how hard I tried to be understanding about the kids’ needs. That’s the reason I’m picky about a potential partner’s non-parental status. It’s to save both our sanity.
But I’m tired, tired, tired of having to explain that there’s a *reason* for this particular criteria when it’s really not anyone’s business. Just accept that if we’re picky about something, we have our reasons, and don’t try and change our minds.
You go, girl! :)
Once when I was getting together with some friends to see a movie one of the girls asked me without thinking I guess “Where’s your date Tony?” I should have asked where was hears since she wasn’t with anyone either but I was to deflated and I felt like going home. I hadn’t come there to be on a date with anyone and I would have been just fine with that without that question. I still consider her a friend but Sheesh!
The list is great. The comments are awesome. I haven’t heard/read such blantant honesty on singleness in a long time. A 1,000 thank yous for this post.
Personally, I am fine in being single. I have NO PROBLEM in going to a restaurant, the movies, a road trip or etc alone. I cherish the quite time. Do I want to get married? Oh, yes. I want to continue to dominate life and have the love of my life next to me. Til then I am doing everything I can think of to maximize my experience in this thing called Life.
My pet peeve Single question is: Why aren’t you married yet/ why don’t you have a boyfriend?
The best answer I have found is to put it back on the asker. “Well, you haven’t been sending anyone my way, so….” True, my love life is not in anyone’s hands nor would I put it there however don’t ask about what isn’t going on in my life if you haven’t tried to help the cause.
Everyone is not marriage material, I’m not referring to you, but…
God has the perfect time, when a person’s over 40 years old…this sounds unreal.
Buy a Ken doll, as a date.
Refuse to pray for your single friend to find a mate too.
Tell the single black female the man you like will choose a white woman because these kind of men only like white women.
Tell your single friend they need to settle for less, lower his/her standards.
Say I don’t know why God hasn’t brought the right person in your life.
Flash your ring in my face after you take the man I had hopes of marrying.
Have the hugest wedding, say you’re going to keep it quiet, but have it broadcasted just to hurt my feelings.
Post picture after after picture on my webpage after weeks after weeks because you’re so happy! I’m happy for you, but you don’t have to rub it in that you got married.
Expect me to stop living to take care of your children, cater to you, and take care of you until I miss going out on dates!
Please do not say everyone’s not marriage material, I’m not referring to you, but…
God has the perfect time, when a person’s over 40 years old…this sounds unreal.
Buy me a Ken doll, as a joke about my dating and love life.
Refuse to pray for your single friend to find a mate too.
Tell the single black female the man you like will choose a white woman because these kind of men only like white women.
Tell your single friend they need to settle for less, lower his/her standards.
Say I don’t know why God hasn’t brought the right person in your life.
Flash your ring in my face after you take the man I had hopes of marrying.
Have the hugest wedding, say you’re going to keep it quiet, but have it broadcasted just to hurt my feelings.
Post picture after after picture on my webpage after weeks after weeks because you’re so happy! I’m happy for you, but you don’t have to rub it in that you got married.
Expect me to stop living to take care of your children, cater to you, and take care of you until I miss going out on dates!
So funny. I want to add, PLEASE ,for the love of God, stop smuggly saying you have “DATE NIGHTS”. You are married, you are not dating. That is what WE singles do. Does this rub anyone one else the wrong way? or am I alone in this one? It’s the equivalent of wearing “skorts”. Pick one! It’s like you need to move on to marriage but can’t…ugh. much love though, much love….
I agree with all of u. It is all so true I’m only a teen but I get the saying ” y aren’t u n a relationship, again ur last one was so perfect” but it wasn’t people only see wats going on, on the outside and don’t have a clue of how the whole story is.
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I had a friend tell me that maybe god didn’t want me to get married and have children, because I *might* abuse my children the same way that my mother abused me. So, why didn’t the fucking christian god *prevent* my mother from abusing me? Oh, wait, that’s right – god actually *wanted* my mother to abuse me in order to accomplish some mysterious plan. This coming from someone who divorced her first husband and then married another guy who’s not a christian (but who she now forces to go to church every once in awhile). Aren’t those the only two things that god actually forbids in the bible – remarriage after divorce and marrying a non-christian? Yet, somehow god *wanted* her to directly disobey the word of god – again, to accomplish some mysterious plan. I stopped believing in this bullshit a long time ago.
This article says it all. I am at the age where almost all my friends are either married or divorced with children. Number 2 on your list has really been bothering me lately. 99.9 % of the time, if I don’t pick up the phone and take the initiative to get together I am all but forgotten. It really upsets. They almost always say yes Which tells me they must like doing things with me but it hurts. I tested it out once fans stopped initiating contact for almost 2 weeks and nobody even bothered to text a what’s up or how are you doing. It bothers me because I am there when they need help with something. I know they are busy and have their family unit as a build in social circle but it hurts just the same.
I totally agree with you Mary! Read my post below, when they do contact me it’s because they need something. :(
Amen to this post. There must be something taboo about a couple hanging out with a single friend. When my 15 year relationship ended, my (our) best friends, a couple, would still have me over, hang out, and it took a while before I realized that we never did any thing social – out in public anymore. They’ve been living together for a few years, but after this couple tied the knot, magically their life became extra busy and now we hardly hang. I was given free movie passes at work. Offered to take them to a movie of their choosing. They had to think about it, blah blah excuse, never got back to me, I gave up after a few weeks. Later I happened to be around when another friend of theirs (in a relationshp) made some mention of a movie that was just released and in less than 30 seconds the couples had a date for the movies. Or like I read in another post, couple is too tired, just want to stay in…. Then i see all their out on the town crap posted on FB. Recently, the first time in a couple years, the three of us actually did something (maybe because they wanted something from me). While out, we ran into another couple they knew. Listening to my ‘friends’ converse with the other couple it finally clicked. Now that they’re married, they reached this new status, like joining a country club. The snobby way they were talking, like they’re actually better than the rest of us single people was just sickening.
Not all of us single people live the sex starved, party life, bouncing from relationship to relationship as some of the married posters wrote. I’m not a threat to your new found happiness. But after 15 years to the wrong person, i want to discover who i am again and i’m not in a rush to jump into another mistake. So my coupled friends… Cant we catch a movie, grab a bite sometime or even just invite me over to watch whatever you’ve got on your DVR? Funny, I didn’t know our friendship had a couples clause. I guess I should have read the fine print.
This may get deleted but I’m just offering another perspective that might help if you want to hear it.
I agree with most of these points but I’m actually left wondering why someone who seems to want to find a husband so badly is writing online articles about how to treat single people rather than doing online research about how to attract the type of man she wants.
I also found it interesting that it was more about wanting to find a husband than wanting to meet a guy. If a guy you’re dating finds out that your shopping for husbands it will likely scare him away very quickly. It’s way too much pressure.
I did not completely agree with point number 9. Changing a few aspects such as clothing can be oversimplifying, true enough. But letting someone know that they should dress better, hold more interesting conversations or quit bad habits isn’t telling them to be someone who they are not. It’s helping them to become their best self so that they will be more attractive and have more available options to choose from. Attracting some people who don’t fit naturally comes with having more options available but so does attracting people who do fit.
I know that if a man is fat, lazy and doesn’t dress well I wouldn’t tell him to keep being himself if he was complaining that he couldn’t find a good woman. I would tell him to start looking within to find his problem.
Maybe I have taken the article too seriously and it was just some quick fun. The rest of the points are good and funny. Nicole writes interesting articles and I wish her the best of luck.
Thank you, i really enjoyed this. I would also like to add that just because I am single it doesn’t mean:
* I will provide free babysitting at a moments notice for my friends with children.
*I am at the beck and call to do things like dog sit and house sit.
*Give up my career aspirations to be an au pair or nanny.
My ‘friends’ actually make these assumptions because I love kids and have kid experience – I taught kindergarten. Is it me or is this actually rude to assume this. Does anyone else get this kind of treatment??
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As a married woman- I dont even bring it up. Im in my 30’s, and at this age, all of my friends are married w/families with the exception my best friend of 17 years. Shes still single, and we can talk about everything under the moon except for her single/dating life. If she brings it up, I listen and nod, but have a strict rule with myself to keep my mouth shut. Her dating life is none of my business and I prefer to keep it that way. Its just too sensitive of a subject for her, and I believe only she knows whats best for her. Shes an adult, she can figure out for herself what she wants to do without me or anyone else giving her advice. There are times she asks my opinion, but even then, I tell her my advice is probably not helpful to her and continue to keep quiet.
I LOVE THIS…Although I am clearly coming in late. I’d like to add something about married folks with kids and how they communicate with us singles.
1. Please do not say to me “I don’t go to bars anymore.” As if the second you got married and popped one out, going to a bar for a drink is suddenly inhumane. AND as if the fact that I have the time and freedom to go to a bar whenever I want means that I am only going to get wasted and have orgys.
2. When I ask you how you are, please do not answer with “well, we are doing potty training right now so…”. I asked how YOU were. Not the bowel movements of your child. And saying these things does not mean you will automatically fend off my “single” virus…it just makes you seem sad…very.very.sad.
Please don’t identify me anywhere. thank you. I’m 46, single mom of a 22yr old who went 4000 miles away, and never been married, despite a deep and intense desire to love and be loved. So, here’s what I’d add….when I express my need for a friend to REALLY talk to because my loneliness has once again reared its ugly head and made me feel beyond worthless and unlovable, don’t invite me to spend an evening with your very busy large family full of kids and other relatives who are also married with kids and then tell me i shouldn’t be lonely anymore. Because in the end, I’m going home alone. Again. Still.
Please don’t tell the men to “MAN UP and GET MARRIED ALREADY.”
There is no such thing as “Extended adolescence.” If he found someone worth marrying, he’d get married… but with most people getting their first career job in their late 20s/early 30s, it’s NOT a good idea to get married until then… especially with the majority of divorces rooted in fights about money! (this is for my under-employed friends… I actually have a great job and my own life…)
Also, I’m a Christian that has almost gone MGTOW (or more appropriately, “Man Going Jesus’s/Paul’s/etc Way”) because either there has been a lack of women in church, the few women I ask to a coffee appointment reject me right out (I’m Asian-American, and they’ve said to my face, “I’m not interested in Asian guys” if she’s asian or “I want an American” if she’s not), the women are emotionally immature, or I just don’t have time because I’m serving and the women don’t want to serve next to me. Stop telling me to “man up” if the women aren’t “womening up” as well!
My husband abandoned me and the kids for 8 months, and refused to come back because he got hold up by a woman whom he just met, myself and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as one again. I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is [email protected] so I had to contact him and explain my problem to him and in just 2 days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to. I cant thank the spell caster enough for what he did for me, i am so grateful and i will never stop to publish his name on the internet for the good work he has done for me. Dr Oye you are the best of all.
People who are married mean well, but I think they just don’t know what to say sometimes … good post, or repost, if you will, Nicole … As someone who is still single and in his 40s, well … it can be awkward being around so many younger folks at the church who are married and many of whom have children, not to say I don’t enjoy being around them and learning from them, however … Just because I’m single and have been single so long doesn’t mean I have no life, no thoughts, no anything. Sometimes I just want friends who can bear with me in my struggles, whether or not they understand them or not…. I wonder if some married people say things or use body language in communicating with us, and don’t really realize what they are saying? Just a thought.
Please stop telling me about your lovely time on bed because i dont have anyone to spend my night with. please stop telling me that you love your husband and your husband loves you so much because i have no body to love me
I’m just now starting to deal with this. Quick Google search led me here. I’m 29 years old. I broke up with my ex of 3 1/2 years almost a year ago and I’m finally coming to grips with being single again after thinking he and I were marriage-bound. Moved to a new city and making a lot of friends. Many of them are married. And one friend in particular keeps trying to set me up with this one guy. I’ve known this guy a year and he’s never made a move so I’ve lumped him in the ‘we’re friends’ category and moved on. She keeps insisting we’ll be a good match. Finally asked her why she thinks that and her first response is because we’re single. As I’ve gotten to know him as friends I’ve discovered he breaks one of my dealbreakers (e.g. religion). I’ve shared this with my friend on numerous occasions. She still keeps pushing. When the time is right (and soon), I’ll gently but firmly let my married friend know that while I appreciate her efforts, please stop.
Yeah.. & just because I’m single & love kids, they always jokingly ask me to babysit their children…
Dear friends, my name is Drake Berry from united states i had a problem with my husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, i was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me. until a friend of mine Walt Pen told me about a spell caster who helped him in the same problem too. i email Dr SHAVAI the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have him back to me. we have two kids together and we are happy with our selves. thanks to priest SHAVAI for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work the great spell caster email address :[email protected]
Haha Agreed with most statements there even though Im only 18 I have been single since 15 which for the most part didn’t mind except for the family to annoy me every chance they got for me been single.
Add a point: When we finally sit down with someone and a friend in a relationship joins us, don’t make it even more awkward by showing off etc.
Thank you for this. I am recently in a relationship and my single friend’s have distanced away from me. I am trying to make an effort with them, asking to go for girls nights at the movies, dinners, bowling etc…but unless I want to go out drinking and partying till 5am, it seems like its not enough. I know what its like to be single, I was single for a very long time but its like they have forgotten it, and suddenly I’m a precious princess, they leave me out and don’t really make an effort initiating contact, just because I have a man? wtf?! maybe I have said a few of those things you mentioned above, that’s why they are being bitches?! thank you for the input and I will keep on making an effort, though I am not going out till 5am getting drunk, those days are over… and I wouldn’t like my guy doing the same so yeah… they have to deal with that!
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I have heard the. #1 bunk !
What about the ” well the apostle Paul said in I cor 7 ” or worse some said ” well God said in I cor 7 ” that wasn’t God smh
I have heard well Paul and Jesus were single
any others from the bible ? Just those 2 smh
I was also told singleness is a gift etc um can I return the gift ?
I was told God called me to be single to serve Him instead
I was also told Jesus is my husband and bf
I was asked isn’t God enough ? Enough for what exactly ?
A Christian radio host sent me a whole pamphlet on Bible verses that justify being single and of course first Corinthians 7 was the highlighted verse smh
Why are there single people pushing other singles to stay single ? Why are there so I’m so adamant that some of us say single? I don’t get what it is they think they’re doing
If I could go back in time and tell them to shut up I would and to mind their own business
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I will add a variation of number 11: please don’t ask us it’d we are all single because we have ‘high standards.’ Oh so it’s ok for you to fond someone you want to be with, but I have to take the next guy that comes along whether I like him or not our whether he treats me well or not? My response to my friend who asked me this was:I think everyone deserves to find someone who knocks their socks off. She changed the subject quickly.
I know this a late comment, but I just had to say kudos for this list.
So very true, all of it.
Especially, especially #3.
I get this so much from marrieds with kids. The thing is, if a married friend comes to me in tears and says “I’m so worn out, my baby just cries and cries all night, I’m just tired of not sleeping, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of the diapers and the spit-up, and the constantly being needed, I just want five minutes to myself!” I’m NOT going to tell her “You just need to love Jesus more and the struggle will go away, look at how much you have with this precious child, be content where you are!” No, I’m going to listen intently, put my arm around her shoulders, and say “I’m sorry it’s so difficult. I’m praying for you, that God will grant you grace during this time. Is there something I can do to help?” (And yes, I actually do this with married friends who say that sort of thing to me).
So when I say to a married person that I’m struggling with being alone, with worrying over singleness fifty years from now, with the constant knowledge that in the whole of thirty years of my life, no one has picked ME yet, with the deep longing to be a wife and mother, I’m not asking for a lecture on loving Jesus and being content. I just want an arm around my shoulders and voice saying “I’m sorry it’s so difficult. I’ll be praying for grace for you during this time.”
Because I don’t doubt the young mom who is tired and worn out loves Jesus. I don’t doubt that she is devoted to Him because she is struggling. I don’t doubt that she is striving for contentment just because she admits it’s tough. So why, why do we as singles get doubted in these things if WE admit our struggles? Why are we guilted into silence when we admit we want to get married like that’s some “biblical faux pas”? And why is desire always automatically equated with idolatry? And please, stop saying that if we just delight ourselves in The Lord He’ll give us the desire of our hearts (marriage).That verse is so misused it’s sad.
And on #7 I would say this to all married couples wanting to set up their single friends: Please, please do not tell us you want to set us up with someone great you know if you’re just joking about actually doing it. It’s not very funny on our end. If you actually are serious about introducing us to said person, by all means, ask us if we are interested and then do it. But if you’re asking only to tease us about it, just don’t mention it period. My love life, or lack of it, isn’t really a joke to me.
You can be fully, beautifully, content in, and in love with Jesus, and still desire marriage. The two are not mutually exclusive. As you SO PERFECTLY put, Nicole, Jesus is my everything, but He is not my only thing. We WERE made for companionship and community. There is nothing wrong with wanting it.
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What would you add to the list?
Answer: Absolutely nothing. I would tell those damn couples to fuck off, and I would hate them even more if any of them were to tell me one of those things. They don’t even realize the HARM they cause whenever they say all those HURTFUL things. Fine, they came out of a ”bad romance,” it’s better than not experiencing it at all because that can hurt like a motherfucker too. All those fucking couples belong in putrid North Carolina with the rest of those single-hating IRISH MICK bastards.
Ever been the victim of one of these?
Three words: ALL THE TIME! Then, I get all worked up about it, and that automatically makes me the bad guy. If people would just shut up about it and stop hating me entirely because of it, then it would NOT be my ”biggest problem.”
Most of you couples are nothing but a bunch of chicken shit cocksuckers. You are making it out to be the best thing, but then looking down on single people and hating them in the process.
That is nothing to hate someone over. If you FUCKING (North Carolina) couples want to pull that shit with me, then bring it on. The only thing you will get from me are a bunch of expletives, obscene gestures, and returned hate; it is something YOU ALL deserve. Just because you have someone doesn’t make you any more or less superior.
There are reasons people are single. One: they may have social problems which prevent them from making decent friendships which, in turn, affects their ability to interact with others. Two: they may have broken up and need some time alone to get over the emotional pain they went through. And you want to HATE THEM?
Okay, you fucking couples, I have something to say about that. WHY?!?! It doesn’t make any sense to hate someone because they are single. Hating single people shows to me you are an insecure little bitch who is having serious issues with your own life. Why do you NOT want them to be single so badly, eh? Is it because of your fucking religion (you Mormon and especially SOUTHERN BAPTIST FUCK)? Or is it that you had the same problem once yourself? Furthermore, it could also be you are some revolting, self-absorbed, fucktard. If you fit one or all of those things, you should commit suicide. The least you could do is help someone in need by at least fixing them up on a date or offer to be the one for them (providing there is chemistry), or, better yet, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! In pressuring them the only thing you are going to do is drive someone to kill themselves. ALL YOU FUCKING COUPLES SHOULD EITHER COMMIT SUICIDE O DROP DEAD OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! I WOULDN’T TOUCH MOST OF YOU INSECURE, LITTLE SHITS ANYWAYS! YOU NORTH CAROLINIANS ARE ALL A FUCKING DISGRACE. YOU CAROLINA FUCKS ARE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF NIGGERS, SPICS, POOR WHITE TRASH, GOOKS, RUSSKIES, ETC. YOU ALL SUCK! TAKE YOUR FUCKING STATE PRIDE AND EVERYTHING IN IT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR NAUSEATING ASSES!
Never say
1) God has called you to be single
2) God has other plans
3) it’s not Gods will
4) is there any unconfessed sin in your past
5) tell God if he wants you to be single for the rest of your then you are ok with it
6) must be content in your singleness
7) God is your husband
8) you must have an established relationship with God first
9) get out of Gods way
10) Be encouraged when God blesses someone else with a spouse
11) Paul said in I cor 7 ….
12) isn’t God enough ?
13 ) God is a jealous God and can’t handle you having a spouse
14) now God isn’t going to give something that replaces Him
– that’s a sample of the utter bunk other Christians told me
Hi, I have just twitted this post, so spot on, so fun and so true! I have been long term single with regular relationships and I am the last of my girlfriends not to be married or in a long term relationship. Being in my thirties, attractive etc… I have had my share of weird questions,I know what it is not to be invited anymore by all the married crowd…I have had friends trying to set me up with their socially awkward cousins, consequently been told I was too picky :) Amen!
The problem is: single people whine sooooo much about how bad it is to be single, all the time, that you just don’t know what to say in the end. Just nod and say, “yeah that must be tough”, or what?
Newsflash: you’re single, not dying, so stop constantly whining about it. You want to meet someone, first step would be to get some positive attitude and stop being so freakishly negative about absolutely everything.
Ergo: if you single people don’t want “us married people” to say “stupid” things, stop whining at every single opportunity you get. We simply don’t know what to say in the end!
are you single amica ? really why are you here and why are you posting?
my gosh whats it you how we feel
you have someone many of us don’t but are you here to gloat?
my gosh seriously why are you here !!!
quit telling us how to feel !
being single my entire life has been very tough on me
the problem is that you are being negative, you are whining, and you have said stupid things
again if you are married why in the heck are you on this site in the first place
i have been single my entire and you definitely will not negate or minimize what i have gone through. the pain and depressions i have had to battle i am 39 and have to admit – you just really give married people a bad name . again why are you here – i am not sorry to say this but get off this site and stop posting and patronizing us single people with your opinions
Hi Annica,
“Newsflash: you’re single, not dying, so stop constantly whining about it.”
Actually, prolonged singleness can be worse than dying. Please consider that most people who commit suicide are single, widowed or divorced. I even recall a married pastor once referring to singleness as something like “a fate worse than death.” Another pastor testified that from his pastoring experience, singleness was basically one of the most trying things a person can endure. Another married woman I knew spoke of singleness as being something she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy. etc.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever experienced unwanted, prolonged singleness, but it can be quite torturous and maddening and even contribute to people committing suicide. It is understandable why such afflicted people might be constantly “whining” about it.
Annica, phrases like “all the time” and “absolutely everything” are generalizations and gross exaggerations. While you may know a few singles who whine more often that not, assuming we all do is ignorant. Being single isn’t my favorite thing in the world, and there are times I get hurt by what people say and do in reference to my singleness, However, I don’t have a negative outlook on life, nor do I whine “at every single opportunity” I get. You can’t lump us all into one category, and you can’t project that a few negative comments means we are pessimistic about EVERYTHING all the time.
Maybe if you sat down with your single friends and had some open and honest dialog about their perceived negativity and about your desire to know the best way to communicate with them and support them, you both would learn a little about yourself and the other. And maybe, just maybe, you’d learn how to communicate in a way that encourages the other and vice versa. Because phrases like “constantly whining” and “freakishly negative” are ridiculous and don’t help anybody.
or “Stop thinking about boyfriend, girlfriend and focus more on love of God”
I meant “Stop thinking about boyfriend or girlfriend, and focus more on God” as a lame thing to say to a single…as what NOT to tell a single person. To add to whatever Kathryn and Scott said on this.
The one I can’t stand hearing is “you just need to find yourself a girl.” Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to be in a relationship because I like being single. And please! Being in a relationship is not the answer to all my problems it’s the start of a bunch of new problems I don’t want or need.
Another addition to the list: dont invite me over to your house for a catch up, an then expect me to sit and spill all the details of my personal life while your husband is sitting right at the side of you!!! Talk about awkward…….and annoying!! X
Please don’t say you’re just not ready. I’m 34, I’ve given it my best. Anyway, marriage isn’t the be all and end all. I’m quite happy and content with my life. It also makes it sound like it’s all my fault!
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We all have different reasons why those of us who contacted Obudun Magonata to help us make our faithful to us some of us did it for lover, because of their children or health condition or even because they wanted not to be alone. For me it was non of those though i love my husband and don’t want to raise our teens alone . The reason why i contacted Obudun Magonata to help me with a spell truly was because my husband was running for one of the seats in the Riksdag,the national legislative body of Sweden. Now i am not going to say if he won or under what party for security reasons i did not ask for a spell to make him win or something NO i just asked for a spell to make him stop being a chronic Womanizer it was going to affect his campaign. I have lived with him for 20 years and after countless occasions of catching him cheating on me i have come to live with him like that though it hurts to death. I wish i knew all along all those years about Obudun the Great spell caster maybe my life would not have been this way. Like i was saying, His womanizing behavior got him into a lot of trouble and if any of those stories where to hit the press it would have destroyed his life and this political career and probably landed him in jail. With all the advise from me and his advisories of his campaigning team it was still not enough to bring him to caution. I went to the extreme to make sure he stops willingly or unwillingly that is i meant with some of his lover and asked to pay them off but they were not ready to let go it. I think he offered them something more that money that even with the amount i offered them, they all refused and believe me it was very surprising and they will turn down a large amount of money. We my husband got to know about it he mad mad at me and gave all sort of threats. I was confused and his opposition were digging to find dirt on him and still was so convinced that they will not find anything but they did only with no evidence that was how lucky we were. Right then i took matters in my hand and contacted Obudun Magonata with the email address i saw on the internet i contacted him and told him what i want him to do for me to make my husband be faithful to me till our dying day and make all those people looking for how to bring down my husband stop. OK note my husband is a very honest man who would not hurt a fly he was just careless and always picked the wrong kinds of woman that get him in trouble. Obudun Magonata asked that i provide 4 kind of item me being so careful employed expert to help me get those materials mailed them over to him. I sent a total some of 3000 dollars when converting from Swedish Krona to American dollars. And it much much cheaper if i had asked him to get them for me. But whats done is done. Just after four day sent me a package, not telling its content but is totally harmless and told me how to make the spell effective. I did as he told me and in two my husband somehow magically broke tires with all the women he was involved with i don’t know how it happen and those people trying to kill his political ambition stopped immediately. I wish i knew this Great man all along my life would have been perfect. His campaign team did not understand how i did it and what i did they were just happy all the worse is past. What wow me the most about Obudun Magonata was that the told me the out come of the election before the election date last years because all this happened last year and just what he said will happen really came to pass. And again i can’t give full info because of security reasons. I little advise for those that are going to contact him via this email (spiritsofobudunmagonata@ (yahoo). com) rewrite to usual email format if you are asked for material to do the spell don’t go about it yourself Because you will waste a lot time and money on it and get to see asking him to get them for you with the total cost you wire to him will save you a lot. You have nothing be be afraid you can trust him with anything Because all he does is help people no matter how hard it may be.
Not on the list: Don’t tell us after a breakup that God just wants us to be content with Him. We know God loves us, but we loved our girlfriend/boyfriend and telling us “you weren’t married” is the last thing we need to hear.
This list is awesome and so very true. My favorite is number 11. I mean, really, how are you to answer that question??
To add to the list how about, “You’re probably just being too picky. You just need to lower your standards.” And feel like I “settled” for someone….mmmmm, no. My standards are my standards for a reason, and I feel like they are reasonable.
I personally think some people in long term relationships and/or married forget what it’s like to be single. They make it sound so easy, like walk outside you’re door and “poof” you got someone then bash on you for still being single. Especially ones who before they found the one had just as tough of a time as me and would ask me to help them. Maybe instead of telling them how easy it is and bashing, help the person out, if they are seeking or if not seeking then leave them be
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You can tell this topic hits a lot of people close to home. I don’t have any more “things not to say,” but, rather, something for the marrieds to keep in mind about their single friends.
Single people are often in need of touch. We are not getting the hugs that you are on a daily basis, so hugs and a hand on our back or our arm when we are talking is usually appreciated. Of course, please only do this if it seems appreciated.
I know it’s been mention, but please please PLEASE don’t tell your single friends how marriage is not easy, and how you wonderful it would be to have some alone time. Unless what you mean is that you want decades worth of alone time, then don’t tell me this because I know it’s not true. And if it is true, then quite frankly, just get the divorce.
An analogy which might help here, we all like to go on vacation, and have someone else cook, clean while we don’t have a care in the world, but at the end of the vacation, it’s nice to get back to home cooked meals and sleeping in your own bed, even if it wasn’t made and decorated with a towel animal! Being single is not the same as taking a vacation from marriage. It’s more like having a job that requires you to move every few months, so you don’t really have a place to call home.
A few more to the list. Please, no more cliches. Do NOT tell me “It will happen when I least expect it.” I’ve been least expecting it for 15 years. How long does it take???? ” It will happen when you don’t look”. Really??? When, oh wise one. Maybe you have the winning lotto numbers for me too. “There’s a lid for every pot”. Again, REALLY!!! Until one has been lonely for quite a while and knows what it feels like, then you will understand. Can you imagine if I was at a wake and I said to the bereaved one, “don’t worry it will happen to you too”. How about, “It will happen to you when you least expect it”. (Actually, I think that’s kind of funny.) That person would probably hit me in the head with the lid of the pot that I was looking for. Anyway, some people may not find their match. Welcome to the planet. No one ever said life is fair.
Just stumbled on this….Are you still single Ally :D
When married people say “It would be nice to be single again and not worry about others” the fact is for people like us we wish we had a second half to worry about and talk to about our troubles. Or when some women wish they didn’t have stretch marks there is those that do wish they did. I don’t want to be use to a single life anymore, kinda depressing when your pushing 30.
This is great…I would add anyone in a long term relationship not just married.. My mom does a lot of these every time I stumble upon the subject of being lonely. “God will help you” or “you should just do online dating”…Along with every relative and coworker who enjoys asking me if I’m dating anyone.
A few of my favorites have been:
1. From a friend who had one serious relationship “You need to practice dating”, thanks apparently I don’t how to properly date and that’s why people don’t like me.
2. Another who friend “well getting online and going on a few dates isn’t trying hard enough.” Newsflash – almost all the coupled friends I have all met their special someone through school, work or a friend. Unfortunately, school was a bust, work is female dominated and none of my friends want to set me up. So quit preaching to me about “putting myself out there” when someone magically fell into your lap.
3. Taking me to bar and when some drunk guy starts talking to me run away, leave me completely alone with that person and then yell at me when I ditch him to go find you. Yes, I would love to talk to someone at the bar, but it would be great if you’d at least stand by if he’s a weirdo.
4. Telling me I need to find someone awkward because I’m awkward. Yes this boosts my confidence time a million.
5. People always assume that because I’m single it should be my sole mission in life to find a significant other and put all of my energy into it and its not.
I don’t know where this life fulfillment cropped up that WOMEN, especially, only goal in life is to date, get married and pop out children. As many other people said once coupled up, friends don’t feel like hanging out with you or at the very least don’t put in much effort to try and get together with you, which really makes you feel crappy – like don’t they enjoy my time anymore. Then after feeling this way I’m just supposed to go out and date and feel great about myself when my friends don’t even seem to think I’m fun to hang out with.
In conclusion – dating is hard. And if you were the one having to do it you wouldn’t be making these comments or suggestions.
(((robinson.buckler @ yahoo. com))) … restored my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me………………………………
Having been single for a while, definitely agree with your list! It’s just as good a list as the one on this blog too:
http://blogs.davelozinski.com/general/why-are-you-single
Hopefully all us single girls and guys will find someone special one day and have the courage enough to not let them go.
Very accurate list. I just went through a horrific breakup after a seven year relationship and I’ll add my BEST friends statement to this list:
‘You should be happy you’re single. You don’t have to deal with all the side crap.’
Mind you she’s been with her boyfriend for 17 years and they have two kids together. Knowing darn well if she woke up one day and found he had left her for another woman she would certainly NOT be happy to be single. Being single wasn’t a choice, I was kind of forced into it. Noone is happy to be dumped.
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And most of the single women that are so very extremely picky when it comes to finding love will just grow old all alone by themselves with their Cats anyway. Enough said right there.
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This is accurate. Also, they assume we’re having a shitty life and we’ll need to distract ourselves by staying busy in stuff. My friend who recently got engaged is suddenly really very concerned about what I do all day and why don’t I enroll in some courses to stay busy. I get that feeling that believes we just simply need to stay “drunk” on something so not being married or in a relationship doesn’t damage us. I’d like all the married people out there to believe that we, the single people, aren’t having a shitty life, and we’re, like you are celebrating our lives. YOur life doesn’t properly start when you find someone. Life’s always here. You are always here. Having someone is a part of life. A beautiful one. But it isn’t the only thing that makes your life lovable.
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I would add that single friends should not tell their friends to stop talking about their problems then assume they know their problem, which they usually assume to be the same thing for many years which is shows they did not listen nor are the experts on us. Don’t tell us to not have babies and say this feeling will go away when we become unfertile then get a child of your own. It’s like realizing you don’t want the best for us like we wanted for you and dismiss our feelings marginalize our relationships.
When they get married tell your friends you want the best for them, but don’t name them feel narginiakized like they are less wise by giving them the dating book collection, especially that black and white book, “He’s just not that into you” that’s awful gift. Remember when during white Santa someone bragged how the diet book was from them and so we said you don’t need that book and are beautiful, and it was understood that was a mean intended idea? You don’t know our relationships better than us and by now I think you’d know that the crush from many years ago, we learned from that and who makes us happy. It’s too black and white and over simplified and kind of enabling of the jerk in the books. I know enough that I date only people who make me happy and not someone who treats anyone like in that book and I’m not going to learn how to cater to them or live for people like that. I want an empath.