I did not grow up in the Church. I mean, I went to church occasionally, but I was not surrounded by a community of believers. I was, therefore, not exposed to the Christian phenomena of the “Proverbs 31 woman” until much later.
It seems that, for many young Christian women, the ideal placed before them is a woman who looks like this: She is Godly, yes, but perhaps more importantly she is married, with 3.4 children, stays home to tend to the needs of her family, and bakes loaves of bread and apple pies for kicks.
This is a nice picture–a lovely one, in fact–but is this God’s only picture of a Jesus-loving woman? Can a Christian woman be seen as Godly without having children or without <gasp!> being married? Is the single Christian woman blessed or doomed?
There are quite a few singleton women in the Bible. It’s enough having to defend the position that Christ was, in fact, a feminist in a very real sense of the word. He loved (and loves) women, I am convinced.
One thing is clear, however: women are not men and often serve very different roles, as a result. Many of the most notable single women in scripture were the women who helped fund and support Christ’s very own ministry. There are also a few women recognized for helping to support Paul and the early Church movement in The Book of Acts. Here is a pretty good list, if you’re interested.
Take, for example, the rather famous Mary Magdalene. She is mentioned in Matthew 27, Mark 16, and John 19, among a few other references. It is believed that she was the woman from whom Jesus cast out demons. She then became a devoted Christ-follower and began financially supporting His ministry.
However, the key piece of information about Mary Magdalene, in my opinion, was the fact that she was the first person Christ revealed Himself to following His resurrection. He could have shown Himself to Peter, or James, or John, but He didn’t. He chose Mary.
He gave her an exceedingly important task: entrusting her with the message that the Messiah was indeed risen! I don’t think this can be overstated. Christ chose a single woman, unmarried, who had no children (that we know of) to tell His disciples that would forever revolutionize the world–Jesus had risen!
The reality is, God does value family and marriage, but nowhere in scripture does He make it a command to marry (except to the rare few like Hosea). On the flip side, we also know from the Apostle Paul that, at least in his opinion (which, um, ain’t a bad opinion), the single life affords individuals many more opportunities to serve Christ.
Christian women are taught to idealize and admire the Proverbs 31 woman and, hey, I get it. She is pretty awesome. She is not, however, the only example of a Godly woman in the Bible. A single Christian woman can have just as much impact in God’s Kingdom. We don’t view single Christian men as less-than, so why do we sometimes treat our sisters as such?
Likewise, women can marry and choose to not have children. I know in some circles this idea is sacrilegious, but again, while children are seen as a blessing in scripture, they are not a command or requirement. You can be a “good Christian wife” and not have children. You are not doomed.
Instead, we should be offering our sisters grace, not condemnation, for choosing to be single or choosing to not have children. We should have a right understanding of scripture, too, knowing that marriage is not the ultimate goal, nor children the ultimate prize. A life devoted unto Christ, loving Him and loving others–that is the prize–Him and Him alone.
Today’s post was inspired by the comments from last week’s Questions for God (yup, you Kristin). You can read them here.
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I think the expectation goes further, to married women too. I’m single, but I’ve noticed that if a married woman has her own career she is seen as a subpar wife because she doesn’t devote all her time to her husband (and kids if she has them).
As a single woman, I constantly think that I’m not good enough for any godly guy to want to marry. Why? Because… well, I’m not the Proverbs 31 woman and I’m afraid I never will be.
Tamara,
You bring up such a good point. On the one hand, Christian women are made to feel guilty if they have careers or do not stay home. On the other hand, the world and popular culture tells women to go out and have a career. Women are constantly battling those two ideas.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong. There is right for one person, one woman, one marriage, one family. What works for my husband and I, may not for another couple. The Holy Spirit is not a rubber stamp.
Lastly, none of us are the Proverbs 31 woman. She is an ideal–a model. I am not her. No one I know is. We are to look to her as an example, but not condemn ourselves if we don’t resemble her exactly.
Also, the Proverbs 31 woman is a woman;s entire lifetime. It spans decades. It is not something we achieve overnight or in a few years. It is the course of our life following Christ. and really, Jesus is the ultimate example we are to follow. if we do that, we will naturally become the woman He has destined us to become.
“A life devoted unto Christ, loving Him and loving others–that is the prize–Him and Him alone.” I wholeheartedly agree!
No matter our state or status in life this should be the goal we have for ourselves and for others. This world misunderstands many things about many people but Christ has a purpose for each circumstance and each person.
As much as I hope others will honor my singleness and not foster my feelings of inferiority, I hope I will honor whatever it is in their life that makes them feel less than worthy.
I do wonder why it is so rare to hear positive comments about the single life in the church. I think often if there is any way to influence that to be different. I mean ultimately I don’t want to be known by was she single, married, or did she have children but if I have been a faithful follower of Christ. I am not sure where the balance is between wanting to change a world view and desiring to have Christ’s view. Still trying to figure that out I guess.
Nicole, I want you to know I appreciate your faithfulness in writing this blog, even with all that you have going on. It has helped me in a time where I am trying to reestablish what it means for me to be a Christian. So, thanks!
Phoebe,
I wish I knew the answer to your question: Why does the church place so much emphasis on families and really none on the blessings of being single?
I know families can have great impact, but so can individuals–look at Paul!
I think of Genesis. It doesn’t say 1/2 and a 1/2 shall become one. It says “two shall become one.”
You are a whole person in Christ, married or not. Marriage does not complete you. Heck, neither does kids.
I love your point about wanting to be known for being a devoted Christ-follower first and foremost. That is all I want too…
And thank you for the encouragement. It means so very much.
Why is women who have never been married and no kids seen as a threat to married couples or seen as a threat to the pastor’s ministry?
Thank you so much for writing this post Nicole! It has really helped me. Just yesterday I was watching a certain pastor preach a sermon on television and the entire sermon was about how the point of marriage was to be fruitful and multiply…I just kept thinking, “well I guess I’m screwed.” I very much want to do things God’s way, so if that iss God’s intent for marriage I would probably bow out of the idea of getting married and choose to remain single. The whole point for me is I do not CURRENTLY have a desire to have children, and would never want to have kids unless I wanted to, as opposed to because it scored me “Christian” points with the congregation. God indeed may change my heart. But I could never commit to a relationship where kids were mandatory for the man. Are we supposed to look to Adam and Eve as examples, was child bearing the primary purpose of their relationship?
-Sidenote: I am into the first chapter of Crazy love and it is already blowing my mind. I am enjoying the videos that go along with it.
Kristin,
I love your conviction and resolve on this issue. I am encouraged to hear from young =, Godly women, who are not convinced that the line the church is selling is legit or the only way.
It brings me hope. It is sad that things like babies or staying home, or even homeschooling “score Christian points” as you stated. Ugh!
I agree with you, as well, that the primary purpose of Adam and Eve’s relationship was not to reproduce (although the world was pretty empty and they did need to hop on it). God gave them to each other as companions–soulmates even, designed just for each other–to model His love for us.
Thank you for your perspective and honesty and for inspiring this post!
P.S. I’m so glad you are enjoying the book so far! Awesome.
“Adam & Eve?……….who got screwed in that relationship?…….all of ‘mankind’….due to a woman!
And thus the first excuse for one’s own sin to ever be uttered in this world.
Hello, Kristin
My name is Stacey I was reading you comment on the statement of Single Christian Women blessed or doomed. I noticed that you said you was reading a book on Crazy Love. Can you tell me who wrote it and where I can get it from. Thank You.
“Crazy Love” is by Francis Chan and can be purchased from his website, Amazon, or a multitude of other places. :)
Love love love this post. For me, it comes 2 years late, but that’s ok of course. I was the stereotypical single girl for most of my life and I was usually the most miserable at church.
Going through high school and college, I never had a boyfriend and then I watched so many friends get married at 22, 23, 24, etc. When I got married last year at 27, I was so happy to have had my time with God. Could it have been better? Sure. But I’m hoping to use my experience to encourage other single friends that it’s ok to focus on God, and want a boyfriend. I can’t tell them what the future holds or when ‘it’ might happen, but I can be there for them and they can know that I understand.
So many of my friends seemed to forget what it was like to be single once they were in a relationship or married. My life has changed, but I haven’t forgotten.
Thanks for talking about this!
Gosh, it’s so sad because we act like 27 is old to be getting married! It’s not. it is so young.
I love that you plan to use your own story to encourage other women that waiting in or choosing single-ness is not a curse.
If more women speak up and sing the praises of singleness, I think we could undo much of the self-imposed condemnation and shame.
Thanks Heather for sharing!
Hi! I wanted to let you know thanks for putting this comment up because I am in the same situation right now. I am 20, in college, and never had a boyfriend. In high school I used to think there was something wrong with me but my mom always told me that God wanted to use me and that he will send the right guy at the right time but He just wants my time with Him. I am reserved for the right man for my life. I am very happy about that, but I do not want to feel sad for seeing other couples together and having a good time. I will try to be better woman and do things for God and not think about those things.
Angel,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. I love what your mom told you too–that God wants to have His time with you. That is so true and so important to remember. God has so much for you, regardless of your marital status or boyfriend status. May He bless you as you pursue doing His work.
Hello there,
It was a great time here to meet with you, i am a single mom of two children, i am 35yrs old . it is a blessed time for me here, because to meet such a person like you, it is a blessing and opportunity from God to meet with you, kindly be a friend to me, i need your attention here. may the lord bless and guide you more and more this year amen.
well, thank you very much for reading this mail as friend to me, i really appreciate you for that. i will like to bring this to your attention here, please and kindly permit me to inform you of my life condition and situation here. well i am a pure Liberian who left from Liberia and living in Ghana as a refugees due to the civil war that was share of innocent blood, my daddy was killed in my percent and we was taken always by the people who killed our daddy during the war, those people were the rebel.
During that time, brothers and sisters went on the farm for food to feed us because we were in the forest in hiding. why waiting for our mom, the rebel enter and took i and other people away, while the rebel was taking us away, we met a lady who was also finding way to escape, the rebel also arrested her but this lady could speak the same tribe with them so she beg them and they free all of us and this lady brought me to Ghana but she died later on, after this lady has died, her family started to treat me badly this is how i left and went on the refugees camp since 10yrs now. but since i came on this refugees camp, life condition begin so difficult for me again this is how i met a man and fall in love with him, he started to help me and i born our children who are now with me alone and taking care of them, i alone.
my Children father escape from us due to the difficulty and some other condition here, he could no longer stand the tension, because he have to go in the street every day to beg for food and safe drinking water just to feeds us here, at time he work very hard for people but they do not pay him with money only food and water, even the food and water can not help us for two or three days but only one day, this young man was tired and he escape from me since three year now. God been taking care of me and the kinks here, i really appreciate that, i been praying to meet the rightful people to help me here with my condition and i have met you, please i need your prayer but physical help the best here. please stay in contact with me.please stay in contact with me always.
Beatrice!!!!
This one is dear to my heart. As an about to turn 40 single I have much to say, so I’ll try to limit myself.
First of all, I DO want to be married, and still believe God has someone for me. But I asked HIM to pick my husband for me. My track record proved spectacularly bad (even sticking to guys I met at church). This doesn’t mean that I don’t date if I’m asked, or anything like that. I’ve recognized that I tend to be blind to certain things in a relationship that others aren’t. So I have certain friends who act as wise counsel, who have promised to tell me what I may not want to hear, and save my heart from investing in an unhealthy relationship. I believe it’s my responsibility to do what God shows me, to grow in Him and become a Godly wife…and pray for the man that He is growing to be a Godly husband for me…and trust His timing for the rest. (@Tamara- it is EASY to listen to that “you aren’t good enough”. I hear that one all the time. Beth Moore says the enemy likes to find out what you are the most afraid of being true about yourself, and convince you that it IS true. The longer you aren’t with someone, the easier it is to believe the lie. Even one that is so clearly in opposition to everything that God tells you about how He sees you. I keep Bible verses to read that focus on just that, for those times when those ugly words are loudest in my ear.”
Thanks to my age I have not only been exposed to well meaning friends and family asking me “Why aren’t you married yet?” but hearing national and internationally known church leaders say things like (paraphrased) “Singles who are delaying marriage are responsible for the downfall of the family in today’s church” and “If you want to be married and there are no current prospects at your church you should change churches.” (sigh).
I am going to attend the church where the Lord leads me and is actively growing me as a disciple of my Jesus. I am not selecting a church based on potential mates.
What I have given up on is finding a church where there are single role models in leadership. Despite Christ and Paul’s examples, for some reason it’s nearly impossible (at least in the States) to find churches where singles are allowed to be in any kind of leadership position. The unspoken assertion being that singles are less stable, or less role-models than married people. And finding a Bible study that focuses on single females and not married ones is also nearly impossible. (I’ve found one “They Were Single Too” by David Hoffeditz…and it’s great. Others I thought would be/hoped would be (since they were written by single Christian gals) ended up focusing on conversations with married friends.
Let me say this. I’m not bitter that I’m still single. I completely 100% trust in the Lord’s timing. But for those of us who are still waiting, or my friends who are happily single and prefer to stay that way…the modern church leaves some major gaps. We’re told that the church doesn’t want to be too program-y (catering to different categories of people) so they don’t have singles groups (often stating that they are just dating groups in disguise), but these same churches will have young married groups, and senior groups because they have specific needs for instruction or connection. Who doesn’t?
Single people need to be given an example of strong single Christians who can show them how to live for Christ and make the most of their singleness (whether it is temporary or permanent). A strong role-model will know how to lead a group so that it is about Christ (and not dating).
I am a single Christian woman and I am blessed because I belong to Christ. Period. Whatever my future holds is in God’s hands. I am not less-complete or less-spiritual because I am single. I have a better opportunity to focus on my Lord and learn what He has to show me. My married friends often tell me they wish they had been able to deal with “this or that” before they got married, like I have been able to. My married friends will come to me for advice about their marriages and children because they value my prayerful and truth-in-love opinion. This tells me I’m doing something right.
Well, so much for my keeping it short. Sorry.
Dee Dee
You touched on so many important things. Firstly, I should have said in my post that not all single women are choosing to be single, but some are also content and waiting on the Lord while single. I know this and you are a perfect example.
What you said about sums it up for me: “Single people need to be given an example of strong single Christians who can show them how to live for Christ and make the most of their singleness (whether it is temporary or permanent)”
This is what the church needs, along with a Biblical understanding of what it means to be single (and thus that marriage is not the ultimate prize–Christ is).
I love your trust in the Lord and your willingness to follow where ever He takes you. I agree that you are doing something right.
i LOVE being single.
i LOVE being a single mama.
i LOVE that i technically have the best of both worlds (but i also have the trials of both worlds too).
i love myself so much i put a ring on it…in fact a couple of diamond rings if i may say so myself ;)
i celebrate me and the season God has put me in. i don’t think people should shrink back and wait to “get married” to do things for God…
whatever season He has put you in, He is calling you to do great things for Him in that exact season. don’t go looking for spring when summer is right here.
Patricia,
You seriously inspire me! I love you saying people shouldn’t “shrink back and wait to ‘get married’ to do things for God.”
Awesome! Celebrate the season you are in, whatever it may be! What a great attitude and great advice.
Thank you Patrice for writing this. I needed to hear this and be reminded that yes God does have a plan for me and that I am right where I’m suppose to be. Love your phrase what ever season he has put you in, he is calling you to do great things for him in that exact season. Don’t go looking for spring when summer is right here. I have been single now for a little over 8 years and have been studying Gods word diligently. Have been pretty much content. But recently have had a real hot relationship for a real hot minute. It didn’t last long at all before he picked another girl over me. I have been having a real hard time accepting this. I also run into him a lot and this other girl. So reading your website page has helped me to realize a couple of thing of why this relationship was for only a hot moment. That God isn’t finished with me yet and his plan for me to serve him. I did recognize that while I was in this so called relationship that I did sit less w/ God and in his word. I did ask God for his protection with this relationship and I’m realizing this is Gods way of protecting me. Thank you Jesus. !!!! It’s Gods will not mine. !!!!! So I’m asking prayers for God to give me peace and comfort, courage, strength, guidance, to continue with his plans for me. I’m not sure if I’m suppose to be in a future relationship or single. But trusting in God and waiting for his timing has always showed me that God provides for me maybe not what I want but what I need and abundantly gives me his blessings. Would you please keep me posted by email for this site. I’m not real good with all this technology and how it all works so please send me how to get back to this web site via my email. Thank you
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! i found this blog through a friend of mine on Facebook..I am so glad I did. This post is something that I needed to hear.
I can’t wait to read more of what you write about.
Susan,
Sorry for my late reply. I’m so glad this post blessed you. That means so much. Thank you for sharing!
Looking forward to seeing more of you around here. Blessings.
Hi, I just want to say a few things/share some questions from the perspective of a single christian woman which I do not believe has been adequately addressed in the article. Being single in christendom is not always by choice. There are those of us who wait upon God for the right mate and spend the time doing God’s work while waiting. But what happens when you reach say, mid thirties and you still haven’t found that mate? You continue to attend church faithfully though deep down inside you have your concerns. You can’t help but seeing other women with their husbands and their children whether at church or otherwise. You can’t ignore the deep desire you have to have your own. You see the countless number of other church sisters who are older and are also single. Deep down you have the fear of ending up like them. What exactly do you do? The reality is that you may never find a mate and the battle begins on the inside. You do not want to be alone but what choice do you have in the matter and who do you turn to for help? How long do you wait for when your younger years are passing you by? How exactly do you continue to be content with trusting God for a mate when deep down you are hurting? No one can tell me that that does not affect your relationship with God. As church sisters, we need to be real. All my siblings are married including those after me and I have to face the reality that I may be an aunt for the rest of my life when I do not want that. I feel my hands are tied and I can’t do a thing about it. Going to church does not help because you see the families, the husbands, the children and the older single women too. The hard part is, there’s no manual which guides you as to how to operate when disappointment sets in when you’re getting older and your dream of finding a christian husband and having a son or daughter do not materialise. You are asked constantly “what are you waiting on to get married?” “Are you going to wait until you’re old?” I believe there are many other women in the church who face these pressures and are struggling but can’t or don’t share it. I can not pretend it doesn’t affect me. I fear being single for the rest of my life and I do feel trapped. To say “wait on the Lord” can only help to an extent but look at how many of us are waiting. Going to another church is not the solution as almost every church has the same problem with the lack of eligible single christian men. There is a strong possibility many of us will never get married but it isn’t revealed to us earlier on in our lives so we can prepare ourselves for a life of singleness. We wait until the reality hits us and then we are crushed. How do we cope then as single women who are not single by choice? I took up my bible on day and came across these verse in Ecclesiastes 4, 8-11.
Mona,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I am 42 and wholeheartedly relate to what you wrote. I also have grieved and am extremely disappointed because I have gone through menopause, yes early, so will never know what it is like to carry a child and give birth. Generally, I am content in my singleness. Our Lord uses us in wonderful and special ways. Yet am not rejoicing the idea that I will be single and without children of my own ever.
Thanks for posting. First I have to say is; MY HEART BREAKS FOR YOU! It wasn’t too long ago I felt like you. I was single and in my late 20s. I didn’t get married until last February I was 31 (turning 32 next month). I am not telling you I got married in hopes to say “see I found someone”. But to let you know I was in your shoes for a long time. I know someone else who didn’t married until almost 50 and I still have an aunt who just turned 50 who is still single and never married (and wants to be married). We all have had the same pain you have and you are not alone. I want to hug you! I know what is like to watch people get married all around me and been in weddings and battling with being happy for them and dying inside. Then when you tell people how you feel they patronize you. I got patronized in 2 ways. One was “oh if you have the desire in your heart God will send someone to you.” Then I ask them well what about my aunt she wants someone and is now in her 50s or what about Jim who is 90 and never married? “Oh they must have had some issues.” That angered me because it was like saying “something was wrong with them.”
Here is another one I hated even more than that (at least those people were praying I found someone). I had people l tell me that my feeling of loneliness was a “sin” and that I should be happy being single. God won’t bring someone in my life unless I feel whole without a spouse. WELL GUESS WHAT I WASN’T! I even faked it for a while hoping I would convince myself I was happy and that God would bring that “special blessing because I earned it through being happy. Guess what it didn’t work! Then I started feeling guilty that the “Lord wasn’t enough”. I even asked a couple to pray for me to find a husband once and you know what THEY WOULDN’T! They told me “ Oh we will ask God on what to pray for you for”. “A husband isn’t going to make you happy.” It made me so mad because I had been a Christian sense I was 5 and I know “people” can’t make you happy. They didn’t get I just wanted to share my life with someone and I was very lonely. I had people preach to me about being single is better. I said well that was great for Paul and those who wanted to stay single, but what about the people he preached to who he suggested marriage to because of strong intimate desires.
Thankfully I met a woman (who I mentioned above) who was single for a very long time before she found he husband and mentored me in her home. I felt safe there because she understood my loneliness and sadness. She also was a good person to give a realistic view on men I dated.
Praise the God I found a husband but it took us 3 years of us dating. There were times we wondered if this was supposed to be it. We had trouble getting things right financially. We were both living with family. We finally have some income and were able to get married. I tell you this not because I am going to say “oh you will find a man” but to tell you there is still hope but try and deal with the fact it might not happen. I don’t want to sugar coat it. Let’s face it there are not a lot of Christian men out there and the few that are seem to not understand what their role is. Women have been taking up the head because so few men want to now. You are right the church sets woman up. They say “do this and this and you will find a good Christian man.” But they don’t tell you want to do when you can’t find one or in the mean time.
I am so blessed to be in a church right now that supports all walks of life in the Christian world. While we may have large kids programs there are other areas we have for us childless. Yes we are remaining childless for many reasons. My husband just had surgery. Lucky for me even though we have had a lot of shocked looks form people in the church or family (both my mother and in laws support our decision) no one has said a cross word. Most of the “unsupportive comments have come from the outside world. I think my heart breaks for you more because you also want to have kids and that window is only open for so long. I will tell you this I will pray for you to either find a mate and have children or that God gives you the strength to be content. I wish I had magic words but I don’t. I want to be real with you but supportive.
PS sorry about the rambling about myself, I have a bad habbit of going off on “rabbit trails”.
Stay true to what God wants form you. If you don’t want to get married. MORE POWER TO YA! I wish I had the “I don’t want to get married” feeling when I was single. You are one of the few singles who want to be oh you are blessed in that sense. It boggles my mind your church is objecting to it. My church told me when I was single “stay that way and be happy about it”. Even though I wanted to get married.
Mona,
Thank you for sharing your heart. I don’t know if you’re still on here, as some of these posts are kinda old. But I’ll briefly share my story.
I’m 50 years old, a Christian, never married. It’s absolutely heartbreaking! Most people just say, “Don’t think so much about marriage, concentrate on God” and unhelpful things like that. My last relationship I thought was the one, but we got to know each other from 2006 – 2009 long distance and then dated for over a year before I broke it off. Why? Because he just turned 48 and I could see that he was all talk. We had lots in common, got along, talked about marriage, etc. but I could see he’d never really step up to the plate. I broke up with him last January. It’s terrible – I no longer want to date or get married. I’m done. I’ve completely lost hope. I appreciate the others on this board not judging us harshly because most people have no idea how difficult it is to see these dreams of a family shrivel away before our eyes.
What to do? Curse God and die.
It’s gradually hit me how much God hates me. He is determined to damn me to Hell no matter how I live or what I do. Because HE HATES ME.
First He made me ugly. When younger no man even looked at me except to mock and call me ugly. Lots of women did too. Every part of my body was ugly and wrong. God does indeed make junk. Even at 20 that’s what I was. God made me garbage.
God also gave me the wrong personality type. I was “deep” according to one young man I had feelings for but who didn’t want me. The young men at my Christian college wanted bubbly, perky, giggly and flirtatious. Not some introspective, DEEP bookworm.
I got disabled in my junior year. Trying to fix myself by a medical procedure to make me more attractive and lovable. It did not work. It crippled me.
At 49 I know things will never get better. I live in the past since there is nowhere to go from here for me. I may as well already be dead.
Nobody ever wanted what I had to offer. Because God made me subpar garbage. Since every man God made rejected me and all His people who go to church view my kind as inferior, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God hates me.
God hates all single women who are past childbearing and is determined to send us to Hell. Barrenness is proof of His curse and eternal hatred and shows we are irredeemable.
We unwanted singles were NOT fearfully and wonderfully made. We are worthless pieces of ugly trash only fit to be thrown away. God’s holy people (and men) have rejected us on His behalf. Ugly, worthless vessels of wrath God created just to have the fun of smashing us.
The passage about singles being “free from care” makes no sense to me. All the younger singles I know are very consumed with finding marriage partners. Or they just give up and despair of everything. Like I have.
Childless, single women are cursed by God Himself. If you are over a certain age, you are not in “a season.” Maybe God just hates you and Christ never redeemed you to begin with.
I struggle to get out of bed. I hope I die soon or would if I weren’t afraid of Hell. And nothing I do will save me from the fires. My barren womb is proof that God wants to send me there.
It’s not just a matter of…God wants to make sure you love Him more than X.
I’m still a virgin and used to pray and read scripture regularly along with going to church even if ignored by God’s chosen (married) people. But it’s hit me that God hates me no matter what.
Christ has not chosen me. My wretched singleness and barrenness are only proofs that He never loved me or ransomed me. That’s what really makes me cry so hard night after night lying alone I come close to vomiting.
By withholding what He demands of every Christian woman, a husband (marriage) and children (motherhood) Christ has made Christian living impossible for me and cut me off from His church full of families forever. This shows me He won’t let me into Heaven.
If only he had made me prettier and perkier when young. My homeliness and awkwardness were proof of God’s disfavor. “Jacob have I loved. Esau have I hated.”
Yes, Jesus hates me.
I too did not grow up in a Christian household, either. I was baptized Catholic and my parents stopped going to church when I was in the 3rd grade. Then two years ago at 39 years old, I accepted Christ. I feel like I missed out on the dating scene as when I go to meetings most men my age have been married and divorce, have either no interest in re-marrying or having kids. I feel like the churches I’ve attended invest in getting young singles married and help them make better choices. However, I missed out because I listened to popular culture and my own fears of rejection for my being single now. You know when you start hitting 40 you really start to realize that maybe getting married at a younger age was a better choice – ticking biological clock and all. I bought into the story if you get an education (I have a law degree) and get a good career that your life will be fulfilled married or not, children or not. Well after spending most of my adult life obtaining these things, I realized they they were NOT fulfilling without Christ in my life. I was so focused on myself and thought myself intellectually superior to Christians that it took me years to find and to find fulfillment in Him.
I have seen the problem with how single women (by choice or not by choice) are treated in Christian circles. At my first church which I would consider “liberal” for an evangelical church with female pastors and all. I joined the singles groups for my age group. I’ve discovered a few things. They patronize you and treat you like a leper with small studies focused on “why you are single” and “what you can do to get married”. We had to asked for them to stop doing that then we got small studies on “how to be free from temptation” (you know, sexual temptation while your single kind of stuff). When we asked for more studies on Christ, we got studies on “finding our purpose”. When asked for foundational teachings we were told to go read the Bible. Then there was the patronizing 20 year old “pastor” who was the “leader” of all the small groups who came to our meeting to lecture us on the “vision” of the church – Gag me (yeah, I’m an 80s chic). Well, they were trying to “gag” us so to speak to “shut up and get in line”. Then, I’ve seen a focus on caring for Single Mothers, but if you ask for help as a Single Woman with no kids who knows no one in a big city, then you get no help. (Although helping single mothers is a great ministry; and this church has many awesome ministries). Finally I found that while there are programs for young singles and senior singles the programs for 30-40 something singles are dismal or non-existent.
Most Christian singles in my area (South Florida) jump from group to group. (They try out small groups in other churchs but stay in their home church.) I helped with coordinating events for my singles group at my former church. I thought it was a good idea to step up and try to lead and be part of the solution, and only got ignored and dismissed. I finally ended up quitting this particular church when it was clear to me that the church didn’t care about us. For example, they would cancel our meetings at last minute, change up the leadership while not looking at the group itself for the new leader, or they patronized and talked down to us.
Now, yeah, I’m a little bitter, but I’ve found to learn to forgive in all of this and to just focus on my walk with Christ. Which is what I need right now, as I have found Mr. Right – Jesus Christ. I need to get to know Him better more so that I can learn to trust those who fall short and mess up. Right now, I still need to heal my heart and learn to trust. And, I think that is what we all have to remember that our church leaders are fallen, too, and to put all of our trust in Christ. Because, everything that I went through with my small group last year, put me in the position I am today and God has been blessing me left and right. I think we all need to remember that.
Yeah, I tried to step up to make things better in my group, got burned, but, well, life goes on because I still have Christ.
Anne,
Your experiences in the church as a single person is eye-opening to me. Truly. Sadly, you are right. Single people are often treated like lepers or social outcasts. I have to say that it enrages me.
I love you calling Jesus “Mr. Right.” Gosh is that so true, for every woman, married or single. He is and should be our focus. Thank you for sharing your experiences here and for showing a heart devoted to Him, not pressure from others.
I’m 57 and single . I wanted to be married with children, but that never happened,. I had to trust that Jesus would be enough. That is very hard to do. He has to be the one to comfort me when I,m lonely . He has to be the one to calm my fears about life. He has to be the one who sees my tears. He is also the one who I share a beautiful sunset with, or laugh with when something is funny.. Yes being unmarried is hard, but I also believe that being married is hard. I,ve had to trust that this is God’s will for me and that whatever happens in my life He will be with me as He promised. It,s a matter
of trusting Him and believe me that is hard to do.
I did not grow up in a Christian household, either. I was baptized Catholic and my parents stopped going to church when I was in the 3rd grade. Then two years ago at 39 years old, I accepted Christ. I feel like I missed out on the dating scene as when I go to meetings most men my age have been married and divorce, have either no interest in re-marrying or having kids. I feel like the churches I’ve attended invest in getting young singles married and help them make better choices. However, I missed out because I listened to popular culture and my own fears of rejection for my being single now. You know when you start hitting 40 you really start to realize that maybe getting married at a younger age was a better choice – ticking biological clock and all. I bought into the story if you get an education (I have a law degree) and get a good career that your life will be fulfilled married or not, children or not. Well after spending most of my adult life obtaining these things, I realized they were NOT fulfilling without Christ in my life. I was so focused on myself and thought myself intellectually superior to Christians that it took me years to find and to find fulfillment in Him.
I have seen the problem with how single women (by choice or not by choice) are treated in Christian circles. At my first church which I would consider “liberal” for an evangelical church with female pastors and all. I joined the singles groups for my age group. I’ve discovered a few things. They patronize you and treat you like a leper with small studies focused on “why you are single” and “what you can do to get married”. We had to asked for them to stop doing that then we got small studies on “how to be free from temptation” (you know, sexual temptation while your single kind of stuff). When we asked for more studies on Christ, we got studies on “finding our purpose”. When asked for foundational teachings we were told to go read the Bible. Then there was the patronizing 20 year old “pastor” who was the “leader” of all the small groups who came to our meeting to lecture us on the “vision” of the church – Gag me (yeah, I’m an 80s chic). Well, they were trying to “gag” us so to speak to “shut up and get in line”.
Now, at this one church, I tried to step up but realized the problems had more to do with the leadership up top than with a particular small group leader. So, I left and am at a much better church. I’ve learned to forgive in all of this and to just focus on my walk with Christ. Which is what I need right now, as I have found Mr. Right – Jesus Christ.
thanks for taking the time to post this. Though many churches don’t come out and say it, being single as seen as something that is almost like a sin. I look forward to reading your other posts.
Hello.I’m single and feel so sad that no man wants to share life with me. I want to be a mother and invest in the next generation, but it seems it’s not going to happen. My question is, how do I live confidently when rejection is all I’ve experienced. I want to love a man and share life with him and pour love into children, but if that is denied me… how do I then live? I actually don’t know how to live meaningfully, and my church doesn’t know how to support me. I feel like the ultimate failure. Any suggestions for living a meaningful life???
Hi, I feel the pain of rmfulford. For me, growing up I envisioned having a career a husband and child/children, making my own contribution to the continuance of life by reproducing the way God designed it. Here it is approaching forty and having just one of the three. No one told me that at this age I’d still be single. No one told me how to cope with seeing others around me married with their children. Last weekend and this past weekend, two co workers got married and I ask, will that ever be me someday?. It’s amazing to know how the bible says that the single woman should concern herself with the things of the Lord but what if that’s a life you wholeheartedly don’t want? I do not want to be single. I feel I’m being forced into that position as God has not provided a mate. I remember the verse,”…delight thyself also in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” Truth is, that verse may not be for everyone I’m the only one out of 5 kids for my parents who isn’t married and I really do feel left out. Everyone else has the chance to go on weekends to any all inclusive resort to relax, unwind and have fun. I can’t. I work late a few nights for the week and sometimes while driving home, I remember that my other siblings at that hour of the night have the comfort of their spouses. I don’t. I work to support myself because I have no help. How then do I truly and honestly as a christian remain happy with my life?????? My younger sister celebrates 3 years of marriage this month. I pray but does it really make sense when you see countless of others in christendom in the same situation? To me, it boils down to whomever is lucky to find a mate. What does God say in all this? What is there in the church or in the bible itself to help you cope with having to deal with being single, a lifestyle that you totally do not want or wish for? I will never condemn the sister who goes out and gets pregnant. I have a friend who at 40 had to remove fibroids and the doctor wanted to remove her womb altogether and she flatly refused that option. She says she wants to have a child even if there’s a slim chance of her getting married and that happening. She’s having it so hard coping with these restrictions set down in the bible and desperately wants a child. How does she cope? I will honestly say, as a christian I feel trapped and this is why. I live in a real world with real feelings and real emotions. I’m told I need to remain pure and would like to do so the way God designed it. I read that God will supply all our needs but is that really so with so many of us not being able to live the way He wants it. Think about it, you can’t have a child unless you are married. You can’t have sex unless you are married. You can’t find a man to get married to so where does that leave you? I tell God it makes me miserable, angry, full of despair at times and most of all it affects my spiritual life. How really do you tell someone that the christian life is a happy one? Just yesterday I asked God, how can I pretend to be happy when I’m not? I’ve prayed and hoped, but nothing. Who exactly cares how you feel? Who helps the single woman to cope? Who’s there to be her support? I hate my life. Of course there are things that are fulfilling but I’m crushed because I never imagined that my dream of getting married would at this stage in my life be still a dream. Here I am, staring singleness in the face. I constantly have to undergo the pressures of not being married and as my aunt said recently, “if you wait much longer, nobody will want you” . For a christian it is extremely hard. The nonchristian can have children, someone to call them Mom. They can have all the sex they want. They can go out and enjoy life as much as they want. What does the christian do? Pretend as though you’re not hurting? Who cares? Who shares your pain? It’s an unnecessary and unexpected pain because God knew you’d want to get married but somehow you’re not told that that life may not be for you. I believe there are women who are really suffering as single christians and I don’t see the church being able to help and who knows whose prayer God will answer?
Hi,
i’m also a single, almost 30. Living as a single person is never being easy thing (as all the comment did mention how do the world see, and even your self see)
i dream to get marry. In my past ran to wrong several relationship without knowledge of my parents…and as i grown up, i was ‘idolize’ of marriage.i prayed each night for my future husband(yup, i really crazy of getting marry)
But GOD has a better plan for me, i believe.( i have no idea what is the plan). He knows what best for me… HE show His love for me through my family, my bestest friends (singles, married) and my extended family (church members)
One of my (girlfriend) said, We should be happy of the 3/4 things we have, not to be sad because of 1/4 missing…
i learn to enjoy every little things that God has blessing me… i loves kids, so every Sunday, i just enjoy playing with my church member’s kids…listen to how the mothers take cares of the children? how are new mum handling their babies? how’s new couple expecting their babies?… it’s fun, to be excited.
if i don’t have my kids for now…but i can have spiritual kids. =)
HE always know what His children heart’s desire.
Hi Mona,
Although I’m a male posting and replying in a site mostly for ladies and females, it’s good to
read how you women equally share the same anxiety as we men do, of seeing your best and younger years passing you by, while being unable to find someone to marry or even having
the least hope of ever finding someone with whom to spend the rest of your life with. It’s
just frustrating and extremely painful. I know because I’m going through the same. Rea
ching your mid and late thirties and just someone never appears is excruciating. You die
inside time and time again, everyday, and it deeply affects your spiritual relationship with
God, because it’s as if He never sees your efforts in living according to his law and main
taining and defending his values. For me it has been extremely painful, since aside of not
finding a decent, godfearing woman to form a relationship with, I’ve also experienced the
pain of being forced to live a lonely life in the sense of not having friends who ever knows
why. After praying over and over and never receiving an answer or an indication from
God, I’ve come to realize that I must do something my self or else wait to get yet older,
and continue to be alone and even say goodbye to my lifelong dream of finding that one
woman to share my life with forever and forming my beautiful, beloved family and bring
forth children. I sincerely believe in family values in a Christian way of life, so I rule out
wrong options like going out there late at night to meet women to have some “fun” with.
That’s just not the way I see it nor the way I want it. I want a serious, decent relationship
with a serious, decent woman leading to marriage and towards forming and establishing
a family, and that as such, we live the kind of fulfilling family life envisioned in Christianity.
But after much observation all these years, I’ve realized that continuing to wait and wait,
while doing nothing about it, will lead to more disappointment, hurt and despair. Yes, I
want a decent, godfearing lady to form a relationship with, but instead of asking God and
waiting, I now realize the need for me to do something in order to find her. If there’s a
woman destined by God to be mine, she is a living person, right now, somewhere on Earth.
Yes, she is alive right now, somewhere and that place has a name, it appears on the maps,
and it has a zip code and an area code which appears in the official listings. And now that
we have the reality of the internet worldwide, I know she definitely posts in one of so many
websites and she has an email address. So my mission is trying to discover from among
so many people out there, who she is. And even though I don’t know her yet and she
doesn’t know me either, I know that at some point of time I will meet her, I will exchange
messages with her and I will see her picture and hear her voice or see a video of hers on
you tube as well as she will see mine, and above it all, meet her in person. Summarizing
my point, I’m now into doing something about it, and in a serious manner. That is, not
giving up no matter how long or how much it takes for me to meet her. I will find her, even
if it takes extra time and extra effort. If that love I so much ask God for exists (and it does
exist and it has the name and the body of a woman), I definitely think it’s worth fighting for
and giving the extra mile for. And if the difference between ever getting to meet her or not,
is walking, navigating the web, traveling, learning her language or even completing another
masters or doctoral degree, I will do it. I will pay the price for her love. Whatever the effort
or whatever the distance, no matter how difficult or even dangerous, I will endure it, (believe
me, as I’m telling you from experience), but I will definitely find the love of my life. Therefore,
Mona, I encourage you to be strong and defy whatever it takes, because the good, worthwhi
le man, will definitely do it for you. Don’t say that you hate your life, just because man around
you don’t show that interest on you. They simply are not at your height, because the one for
you will definitely fight for you. And the fact that some may tell you that if you wait longer,
nobody will want you, well, you wouldn’t have waited all this long had you been given the
choice or the possibility to marry earlier. It’s something you just couldn’t help! I still know
I have to find my one lady somewhere, somehow. And I will!!! Bye. bye, Mona. If you
want to talk to me or send me a message, I’ll be glad to hear from you and even get to
know you. My address is [email protected]. My name is Marcel.
At least you have a family. I’ve been an orphan since I was 25 and came from a broken home. I wanted to have a different lehacy . I’m 48 and not married. I hate Christian men and for God giving me a strong personality. I’ve have had no choice except to be a survivor. God can keep his old, impotent man. I can have great solo sex
I became a christian at 18 and I am not turning 40 soon and had a desire to get married and have kids until recently after dating a ‘christian guy’ more than 10 years younger. His family thinks that women who are old are desperate and would do anything to get married and stopped him from seeing me. As a single christian women, we are treated like junk in a certain sense and I have been young once but never settled for unbelievers when I had more choices. I trust God to vindicate me and find peace in doing his will, be in his service as God is more than enough for me.
So glad to find this site. I am 40, single, childless and tired of searching. My friends are all married with children and do not understand what I go through so it is nice to find women who understand. I belong to a church that has 2000 members and they do not have a singles group of any kind. I am considering moving to another state and city just to find a mate although I fear the results will be the same. I know that my Father has the answers and a plan for me but what? I pray to God to take away my desire for a husband and children if he is not going to bless me with that. Why did He put that desire in me if He is not going to bring that into my life?
Hi Nicole,
Thanks for the post. I too am one of those single girls. I am fortunate in that it doesn’t bother me to be single, but I do realize that I am in a minority.
This Christmas, I went back to my parents’ church where I grew up (but hadn’t been back in several years). When catching up with people, one of the first 3 questions always was “So, are you dating someone?” (or one of its variations). When I would answer ‘No’ I would start to get The Look. The Look says “Wait! How old are you again? Past 22, right? So, what’s wrong with you? Why won’t a guy take pity on you and marry you? What flaw do you have that a guy won’t date you?” It got very tiresome after 30-50 people.
I try to encourage other girls and women that singleness is not a flaw and it’s not a curse from God.
I am a fifty year old never married and childless Christian woman. Further, I do not have an impressive career and constantly deal with the stress of paying my bills while keeping up in a never ending competitive, cut throat, job market. I have struggled emotionally, economically, and socially throughout the years. The church has not supported or encouraged me in any way, except for glib Christian platitudes. But, there are always plenty of support, activities, sermons, geared toward couples, married women, and children. So, I try to be a good Christian and help others and keep my struggles to myself. When I have opened up, I have been judged, chastised, and labeled a weak Christian. My biggest mistake is that I did not get married when I was in my prime years when Christian men were interested in me because of my good looks and sweet, passive personality. Today I am simply worn out physically and mentally and have no desire to enter the dating game. Thanks for letting me vent, as I do not share this with anyone but my elderly parents.
Mona and Diane,
Thank you for sharing your hearts. I don’t know if you’re still on here, as some of these posts are kinda old. But I’ll briefly share my story.
I’m 50 years old, a Christian, never married. It’s absolutely heartbreaking! Most people just say, “Don’t think so much about marriage, concentrate on God” and unhelpful things like that. My last relationship I thought was the one, but we got to know each other from 2006 – 2009 long distance and then dated for over a year before I broke it off. Why? Because he just turned 48 and I could see that he was all talk. We had lots in common, got along, talked about marriage, etc. but I could see he’d never really step up to the plate. I broke up with him last January. It’s terrible – I no longer want to date or get married. I’m done. I’ve completely lost hope. I appreciate the others on this board not judging us harshly because most people have no idea how difficult it is to see these dreams of a family shrivel away before our eyes.
Your honesty touches my heart. Under the surface is alot of questioning and asking God the same question over and over again.
Hi all,
So nice to see some realistic comments from Christian single women… I’m 33, and grew up in a very Godly family but walked away as a teenager. In my worldly life I was always in a relationship – my longest was for 10 years – but never married. I recommitted my life to the Lord just over a year ago after an unhappy relationship ended.
Naively I thought that being well-planted and serving in a large church of 3500 people would lead to me meeting another born again Christian man to court and marry… however, we have no single events, and the growing number of single people in my church is overlooked. When the altar is opened, the pastors pray special blessing on marriages and families, and engagements, weddings and births are cause for celebration – as they should be – but I feel as though I am not a significant part of the church. I am not going to let the remainder of my fertile years go without a fight, as I want to marry and be a mother. I am on the verge of putting myself back in the worldly singles scene in order to find a mate, but even this is a big ask as I’m now in my 30s and not prime marriage material. I know that nothing is impossible for God, and that I must wait on His perfect timing, but my desire to be paired is like a constant noise in my ears that I can’t ignore…
I just wanted to say that I am very moved by this passage. I am, myself, a happily married woman of 41 and I have 4 children.
However, this is relavent! God has called every man, woman, and child to serve Him and further the kingdom of God. No matter what road we are on, or what choices we are free to make that God gives us to make, there is going to be joy and hardships! No matter where we are in life our purpose is to glorify God. For those longing to be married, I say this, (espeically to the last comment I read here) if you are following Christ, you are marriage material! Not everyone looks for the same characteristics in a mate. AND further more, God dont make no JUNK!!! Its true, not everyone is meant to be married, nor will all our dreams in this life come true. (I wanna be rich and bless everyone with my wealth! Guess what, that hasnt happened! Thought, quite frankly it COULD!) Ladies, today is all we have. We do not know what tomorrow will bring, and tomorrow isnt guarenteed! Take whatever it is you have, and offer it to God. Trust me, he has use for that! I am just FINALLY learning this! Its today! If tomorrow comes, God will show us whats there too!
Hey sis it is funny that you are the one that read this even though I intended to post this on FB for my single friends. Thanks for taking the interests in others situations! Love ya!
Hi, I just struggle even daily now..with the massive desires I have as a single Christian women to have my own child or children.. and ideally a loving life-partner who also Loves the Lord. I have desires to servce in ministry also though I strongly believe that the Lord has placed these strong desires to have my own children and it also helps me to have strong compassion for others.. However this yearning is becoming harder and harder to bare.. and I am turning 34 this year.. and each year.. each month it becomes another reminder of sadness and hoping that some day it will be my turn to expeirence the blessings of being a mother, a loving wife as well as Serving God with all I have… joolz
Thank you for this!!! It was quite a comfort. As a young single Christian women I’ve been made to feel quite hopeless (not intentionally of course) by my fellow Christians because I am single and do not have anyone interested in me, and it has taken quite a toll on my self confidence. . . . Also I do feel the burn of the Proverbs 31 mentality and being expected to have your “act together” sort of speak. Despite these trials I have always felt deeply that Christ should be any single Christians (male or female) deepest concern. I’m on the right track and I pray for the strength to stick to it.
Thanks all for the very interesting posts. I am a single male, 34 with what appears to be an empty pipeline! I have not had many girlfriends and have chosen to wait in faith that God would bring me someone. That faith has dwindled to the point that I am accepting that I may never find someone. It is not just women that face this problem. There are men too. The problem is that we don’t have close communities. I am from London, England and I don’t really fit into a specific cultural bracket/ community. I believe in faith, but I also think that faith can be confused with willful ignorance and I think it is importance to accept that not everyone will get married, then just get on with life and enjoy it.
I being a 35 year old single Christian woman understand the lonely path you all travel. I have been very foolish and wasted my time with men who had no faith in Jesus. I lived in sin with them and wondered why they couldnt make the commitment I wanted.
The lord has taught me a hard lesson and I’m thankful for that. I now try to live in peace with the will of my Lord. If he wants me to marry I trust that he will bring a man of his choice into my life. If his will is for me not to marry then I will respect that. My life is in my Lords hands, not my own. Some bible references that comfort me are;
1 Corinthians 7:9
1 Corinthians 7:8
I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.
1 Corinthians 7:9
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
1 Corinthians 7:34
There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
1 Corinthians 7:35
And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.
I have always wanted to have children too but now I try to leave that also in the Lords hands.
In the world we live in, is that merely a selfish
desire? Will having children divide my attention to my Lord? A verse that does make me feel better about not having children is;
Luke 21:23
But woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people.
I think we should take comfort in remembering that if we surrender to the will of our Lord Jesus instead of our own earthly desires our rewards will be far greater than we can imagine and bring more joy that any experience here on earth can bring.
May Jesus bring you comfort and strength to persevere in faith. Love and blessings to you!
Ecclesiastes 7:26
And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands…
I’m a lonely Christian 26 years old male. I’ve been lonely most of my life and haven’t found a woman who I can live with and be happy with. I find women are deceptive, manipulative, very shallow and disappointing.
Hi, Lonely_Christian, I agree that many worldly (non-Christian) woman are all of the above. I have found the same thing about a lot of men, my husband included. We married as two sinners, made each other miserable until I could stand it no longer and moved out, then I found the Lord and made an attempt at saving the marriage more out of a sense of duty than anything. I prayed and fasted for a week, and yet I was actually praying in both directions at once…outwardly I was asking God to save the marriage and yet inwardly I was thinking “I really hope you don’t make me go back to him, Lord”. Naturally, in His wisdom He answered the prayer of my heart rather than my mouth, and I await divorce proceedings as I type.
I was a terrible wife in many ways. However, my husband was emotionally cold and abusive with occasional crossings over into physical and sexual abuse, and continually chased after other women with many emotional affairs and flirtations over the course of our seven-year relationship. One of these dalliances was with the girlfriend of one of his friends when our firstborn was just a couple of months old. (I then went ahead and married him, which shows how stupid I was, I guess.)
I do get lonely now that I am living without a partner, but I can honestly say that being in a miserable marriage is a hundred times lonelier than being single ever will be. I really am not just saying that. For you and everyone here who has never been married – compared to people who have been in a marriage conceived and run by the Devil himself as mine was, you are infinitely happy and blessed! I am not trying to minimise your pain, but rather to give another perspective that may not have crossed your mind before.
I will not believe otherwise until a Christian woman beckons to meet me and start a joyous relationship, whose heart is deeply in love with me and has the desire to be my life long partner. Sadly no woman exists that fits that description.
I think a lot of women (such as myself) wants to avoid marriage because we want what you stated you wanted in a woman. The thing is deep love and romance only lasts for a little while, the rest is commitment the rest of the way. A relationship won’t always be joyous and to expect that from your partner to continually deliver that is a lot on a person’s shoulders. It’s like asking you to be perfect in every way, have a good job, bring in a good income always even if you hate your boss, desire only me every day of your waking life. It’s not practical and that’s a lot of pressure on you.
I fell for a guy once, he WAS perfect for ME, I knew he wouldn’t feel the same, he moved away, and I haven’t dated any one since in 4 years and still don’t desire to. My friends think it’s great because they see that as true love and true commitment, but it’s very lonely and I won’t be bitter about it, it’s just the way life is.
People come and go but God is forever. Man or woman we are not perfect but I love my brothers and sisters not because of who they are but because who God is: because He loves us not for who we are but because of who He is. I am trying to be a better person so I can expect the same from a partner (if ever), humble yourself because don’t expect more from your partner than you see in yourself.
At the beginning of Proverbs 31 it clearly states that it is a PROPHECY! I believe the woman is the Church – the Bride of Christ! …”her candle goeth not out by night…” …”her husband is known in the gates”…
..”And the Spirit and the Bride say come..” Rev22v17
WE must be SPIRITUALLY DISCERNING! ..”she bringeth her food from afar..”[Jesus Christ, the Living Bread, who is seated at the right hand of God] God honours all who honour and obey Him, married or unmarried! God bless you all!
Wow! I had absolutely no idea that so many Christian women were having the same problem as myself. Though I may be only 21, I understand completely how miserable being unmarried and without children can be and here is why. When I was born, both of my parents rejected me. I had to be raised by my grandmother who I believe regrets it. I was raised in a lukewarm Christian environment but I didn’t give my life to the Lord until I was 19. I’m proud to say that I am a virgin though the weight of my sexual desires is constantly weighing me down. I have lived my entire life feeling unlovable and tolerated. When I attend church, the topic of singleness is never a good one. All the pastor does is tell us to stop sleeping around and get serious but the truth is, meeting a godly man and marrying him is painfully hard. Our Bible tells us to wait on a man but at times I contemplate taking matters into my own hands. As a single pure and young woman, how am I supposed to meet a man when the pastor himself is calling the single women trashy for allegedly acting out in ways that are not pleasing to God? I know for a fact that there are plenty of other women in the church who sincerely trying to wait on God but for how long? I love serving God as a single but I am convinced that I can serve the same God with the same magnitude if I were married. To answer your question, for me singleness has been a burden because I have never known a love other than God. Before you judge, understand that God didn’t call us to live without companionship which is why the woman was created from the beginning. My heart longs to be in a godly relationship with a man. Yes, God provides an unmatchable love that no man can fulfil however this doesn’t take away my drive to experience humanly tangible love. There is no help in this world for the single woman who dwells in God while her hearts desires are not filled. As humans we need companionship and I pray that I don’t have to wait much longer.
Hi, my name’s Charlie, I’m 22, and I’ve been single my whole life, and have never been on a date before. I’m a Christian, and I’ve been saved for over 8 years now. I have yet to find a Christian woman out there (& be in a good relationship, then get married, etc.), the whole relationship thing has been unfortunate & unsuccessful for me so far.., I’m just waiting to find the right one that God brings my way, hopefully.
i need a Christian woman
Brenda Mostert – Baie mooi. Ek kan dink dat jy jou geniet het. Van die foto’s, bote, sal mooi puzlzes maak. En daai girl, is stunning mooi. Dink ek moet haar foto op die yskas plak, vir aansporing om gewig te verloor hahahahahah!!!!!!!!!
I relate to mona . I’m 37 not married , I’ve never dated as I’ve never had the opportunity !
God has not brought anyone into my life either
I’ve had manipulative christans telling me Gpd called me to be single to serve him instead
Really ? He’s called no one else I know , didn’t call my brother , my friends
Um I wholeheartedly dont want it either
I however cant have Kids
But honestly I dont want or need kids
I babysat a good 1/3 of my life and got burned out ! I quit my last job mid year – this was post college – I said I’ve been doing this since 6th grade – cant do this anymore !
Sad is that on weekends while orhers were dating i was babysitting :(
What I don’t get is why was born an incomplete male ? I literally wasn’t born female not full male , had inomoplete part removed had another surgery and was raised a girl
Why did God do this
I can never be married
Really why did this happen to me
Not thankful , gives me no purpose
Not a stronger person
Yeah I’m very angry with God.
I did not ask for this !!!!
I am a 57 year old divorced lady. I was appalled to read how badly some of you were treated by your churches. I believe that is unhealthy, and someone being treated like that needs to quit that place and find a church that is more loving and compassionate.
Wonderful!
I have to say that this is a voice that is needed in the church today– and that’s an understatement.
When I was in my thirties, I experienced being “pushed” into relationships by the authorities in my church, despite feeling that my life was meant to be dedicated to ministry. It was as if the only way for a woman to be Christian was to be married– which the church didn’t say in words, but screamed in actions.
I also didn’t get the support for the ministry I was in at the time, and, with one failed relationship with someone who had been “pushed” towards me, I left the church– there was no room there for a single female who was over 29 years old.
I think it is about the comfort of married men in the church and not the comfort of single women (or men), that we have marriage pushed into our faces as single people. And I think this has to stop. The ideal for everyone is not marriage (or singleness), but to serve God in the way you and He have chosen.
I keep thinking of how much we are actually hurting the church by this emphasis on marriage. There is no marriage in heaven. We come into this world alone, we go out alone, we live eternity as a single entity among many.
You have the wrong Mary. He didn’t reveal Himself to Mary Magdalene first he revealed himself to the other Mary. Mary and Martha the sisters. They were two different women with the same name.
Hi I am a single mom with three young children I just got out of a 8yr abusive marriage and am working on putting my life back together. I love the idea of singleness as a blessing and I want so much to see it that way but I am having a hard time finding any encouragement from the church at large. Most of the “singleness” stuff that I read is geared toward those who have never been married and most of the “single mom” stuff is geared toward healing and moving on (which usually means finding a new father for your children) Any advice or encouragement would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks
Great article !
I can’t have kids
I’m asexual and feel doomed every day
Im 38 and have never dated . I’ve never had any real opportunity and retarded boy at church will never count and one guy asked me out but he was too poor to even buy his own food as I shared with him half a bugrer one night at an outdoor park / bottom line
I am doomed !!! It’s so hard to see other people not struggle in this area !!!
I don’t know why i have been single my entire life but its not by choice it’s more like – what choice ? –
Single 34-year-old Christian guy here. I don’t want kids, so my options for a mate are all the more limited. Even worse, I logged onto the Facebook page of a local Christian lady who didn’t want kids and found out she’s engaged.
Reading posts like these fill me with a dread and depression that I can’t put into words. I’ve read comments on various websites about how believers go for decades lonely and hurtful because of their lack of a companion. What kind of life that? I want God to proverbially “take the cup” from us if He knows we won’t ever be married.
You don’t know how good you have it. Stay single.
What about women who’ve never had the choice whether or not to be married?
My name is Michael and I post on Dalrock. I noticed very few women on this thread provided thier AGES. I will bet every dollar in my Scotttrade account that almost all if you are over thirty years old.
I live alone directly on the beach in Los Angeles. I’m a self practicing attorney and business owner. I’m fit clean and funny. I have an 800 credit score and am debt free. I’m not hot but can pass as cute even though I have very mild teen acne scars. Everyone in my family has blue eyes and lives to be 100. Very good genetics. Hardly any surgeries. We have photos from the 18 th and 19th century of relatives who lived to be in thier 90s etc.
I made $171,000.00 in 2012. I drove a Land Rover. I went to the same college my parents met because I wanted to get married. I wanted to meet my wife IN HER YOUTH. Not after she spent her 20s “having fun” then suddenly shows up at church in her 30s with declining looks and ferility after having spent her prime years with every other man but me.
Sorry ladies but you are in your positions because YOU made the wrong choices in your past. I spent my college years alone watching prospective wife material chase Alpha males. I was ignored and passed over for al kinds of guys. I was poor and did not have two dollars to spend. I had to lie just to get a free t shirt!
Today, after all that suffering the tables have turned. I want a family and have the ability to be a good father and husband. But that will never, never, never happen with and women over 30. You are too old. I want a girl in her early to mid 20 s. the bible says something to the affect of “remember your wife in the beauty of her youth” , I say how is a man supposed to remember what he never had!
You ladies spent it all on yourselves. Now you are alone with declining prospects. The first stage of spinster is denial then comes delusion. Then slow but painful acceptance.
I will be at church this weekend trying to meet a women in her 20s. Every Christian single women over 30 will be politely ignored.
I’m sorry but I refuse to reward selfish behavior from a women who spent her youth with every other guy but me.
I am good guy at heart but I am not a pushover and refuse to be taken advantage of in this manner. To all you single Christian women who overvalued yourselves or thought you could have your cake and eat it to – this is the result of your choices. You will need to drastically lower your standards if you ever hope to get a husband.
Michael or Dave,
While you are entitled to your opinion, I have to say that your opinion reeks of ageism. You sound as though you are well past your twenties and yet you are desperately and pathetically (only) seeking a woman who is in hers.
100 grand a Land Rover does not make you God’s gift to women–especially a 24 year old woman.
I’d challenge you to reconsider your stance and look for a wife who is more age appropriate. 30 is young. 35 is young. 40 is young these days. There are thousands of beautiful, intelligent, and marriage-worthy women in their 30’s and 40’s. It is mindsets like yours that helps perpetuate the belief that a woman in her 30’s is past her prime. It is a sickening and disgraceful lie.
You may well be out of your twenties, but your shallow requirements and sexist/ageist attitude make you sound like a pimple-faced, testosterone-driven school boy, chasing skirts.
Michael, ignore Nicole. The simple fact of the matter is that in today’s feminazi society with everything you have earned you shouldn’t be looking for ANYONE. Women have setup society to take your stuff. There is nothing to be gained for you to be married to any of these women. Paul went unmarried…and he said if we can control ourselves it is good for us to STAY unmarried. THINK ABOUT IT – marry and risk losing everything when SHE decides its over or stay single and keep living the happy life. Trust me, being married is so completely over-complicated because of women’s desires and expectations that it’s not worth getting into.
Ooh I can feel the love of Jesus when some bitter older male uses the word “feminazis.” Makes me glad I left Christianity years ago and joined a pagan group. Before you tell me I’m going to burn in hell, be aware I’d take an eternity in flames over an eternity around Christians anyday.
@ Alexandria
If you truly want to get married you have to meet a man who feels the same way who is your equal or better. You’re 21 years old. Strike now while the anvil is hot. Carefully invest your chips on the right investment. You sound frustrated as though you can’t wait any longer yet what are you doing to ensure your future? I believe God meets us halfway. If we want something we have to go after it. Good things never come to those who wait. I’m sorry but in this reality it’s true. Yes patience is a virtue. But waiting is not. At 21 you are in your prime for marriage family and pair bonding. But if you buy into the lie that you can “have it all” and spend your 20s waiting or partying it out or hopping from guy to guy like so many women did – you will end up like these single women in their 30s blogging on here and that is the worst place you could ever hope to be if you are in fact looking for a husband. Now is the time.Strike now. Don’t wait.
Actually, A woman in her 40’s is in the prime of her life. It is a scientific fact. LOOK IT UP.
Okay. What issue of Cosmopolitain should I flip through?
God has delivered me from the place I was in when I wrote my last post, and He has blessed me with money, a quiet apartment that was in the exact area I was searching in, and a nice Mustang convertible to boot. A single, celibate life sounds much better than it did a few years ago, especially after reading about Western divorce court. (Google Chris Mackney.)
What kell said describes me !!
Am an African lady who is 42and single am so glad coming across this blog being single at my age in Africa is not easy I just talked with some young girls today abt leaving for Jesus I bless God for the many talks hear God bless you
I would just like to say that I actively choose to be single and enjoy my life. Incidentally by single I mean celibate (still a virgin at 34) and with no intention of marrying.
I suppose that I am one of those individuals who God has gifted with singleness. I personally have no inclination to marry and enjoy the freedom I have to serve.
I am a paediatrician and so hopefully serve God through my work as well as church involvement and charitable contributions.
Aside from this I travel widely, love singing, gardening, cooking and learning French. I am soon travelling to South Africa and then Sri Lanka on a wildlife safari.
There is definitely a flip side, I wouldn’t trade my fulfilled life as a single woman for a married life. Ever.
Ladies, my heart breaks for you. It is a measure of how wonderfully we were made, this yearning to be loved and to love. And as godly women, we wish to fully experience a Christ-centered relationship with godly men. We want to do this in a way that is pleasing to our Lord. We want to be virtuous, married women. Yet, it is our own high standards for ourselves and for our potential mates that leads to this angst. I mean, sorry to be crude, but there are many, many worldly men out there who would be glad to have some meaningless carnal relationship with us. Recall that dating is a game to those of the world, and sex the currency with which our love and our bodies are traded. Modern life has devalued those virtues we strive to embody: modesty, charity, devotion, and the like. How can a world that looks to internet porn understand or appreciate what a godly woman stands for? So ladies. PLEASE stop this unspoken attitude that somehow you are “passed over,” “not good enough” and things of this nature. Instead, I beg you to understand in your heart that by seeking purity and waiting for godly men, you are in fact above your worldly sisters [not in a sense of better] not beneath them. God bless your journey.
I wish churches spoke the truth about singleness. The truth is walking with God alone is the destiny of every believer. You will still spend more time with just you and God alone then you will with anyone else including your spouse. Even if you got married today you would still spend the majority of your time alone with God while he is working, sleeping, fishing, visiting friends, running errands etc. On top of that spouses don’t live forever and children grow up. The reality is that in the lifetime of any given person way more time will be spent being alone with God than anyone else. Might as well make it count and enjoy every minute of it because God sure is. God expects us to walk with him for life- spouse or no spouse, kid or no kid, degree or no degree, ministry or no ministry, cardboard box or mansion, healthy or sick. He wants You… Everything else is extra. Be blessed family!
I highly advise that anyone reading this look up where Paul talks about glorifying God as a single person in the Scripture. The apostle Paul is someone many people are obsessed with (most every preacher I’ve listened to) and being a strong supporter of Christians living the single life makes him even bigger in my mind. I’m 20 and consider myself an aromantic in all regards (minus my love of Christ of course), so knowing that I’ve got Paul on my side is really motivating.