I’ve sat so many times, staring at my computer screen, feeling like “What’s the point? Who cares anyway? I have nothing to say.” Modern Reject, for all that it is and how much I love it, needs to change. I’ve known it. I’ve resisted it.
But, it’s time. What I write here has to change, because I have been changing. So rapidly. So furiously. I cannot keep up with what the Holy Spirit is doing. I am barely nipping at His heels as He beckons me “Come…”
“Unfiltered.” That was the word my husband heard in bed last night. You should write about this, Nicole. All of it. Unfiltered.
This? I asked. Are you sure? Because, this…this is a lot. Too much. I couldn’t possibly. But I knew he was right. I knew God wanted this written.
Before I begin, I will tell you that I am afraid–afraid of man–fearful that some of you might judge me, call me crazy, disregard my experiences, and move me from the “cool Christian” column to the “weirdo, charismatic, whack-job Christian” one.
But it’s time because nothing else matters right now. What Jesus is doing in my life is what He wants me to write about. It will be different. It will be shocking to some and unbelievable to others.
Yet it’s all Truth.
I went to bed a few nights ago with the familiar pain I have come to know so well climbing and making its way back. I had recieved three days of relief following a series of trigger point injections, but now, as I lay down to sleep the pain threatens to keep me awake. I drift off to sleep however, and am awoken at 1:30 a.m. by my daughter who has a stuffy nose.
In a zombie like state, I tuck her back into bed only to have my husband abruptly get up from bed rambling something about an intense dream he just had that he needed to write down immediately.
Dreams from the Lord are common in our home and in our church. Since knowing Jesus at age 16, He has often spoken to me through prophetic dreams. I think nothing of Jonathan’s dissappearance from our bedroom and I fall back asleep.
Minutes later, I sense him climb back into bed. I am in this moment, half asleep, half not. With my eyes closed I see and hear an arrow whizzing by my head, it arches above me and then strikes me. And with it, a black shadow falls upon my chest. A demon. I am instantly struck with fierce pain and ringing in my ears.
I immediatly awake and say “Jonathan, a demon is on me.”
“I know,” he responds quickly. “My dream was about Satan.”
Then my husband sets about praying for me. As he prays for this evil spirit to leave, I feel as though someone is pressing upon my throat, trying to choke me, trying to silence me. Then it is gone.
There is something, some presence to my left however. I can see the shadows moving in darkness of my room. There are three more, Jonathan tells me. He prays and then we begin to sing:
Holy, Holy, Holy
Lord God Almighty
Early in the morning, our song shall rise to thee
Gone. They vanish. Sent away by the power and authority of Jesus Christ. Jonathan begins to tell me his dream. In it, Satan deceives him, falsely acuses him of murder, and leaves him to rot.
But, as in the case in our earthly experience, the church body comes alongside of him–of us–and bears the burden with us, bringing freedom.
As Jonathan recounts his dream to me, I realize that I too had a dream. I too was accused in my dream. I too saw the face of Satan, distorted and warped. And as this reality strikes me, knowing that Satan was there, in my dream attempting to harm me, I felt the Holy Spirit fall upon me in the gentlest and yet most profound way.
And I began to weep–overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord, feeling in that moment the grief of the Lord that His chosen one would be so attacked, so accused. I felt God weep in my own spirit.
Jonathan comforted me and we began to pray more. By now some time has passed and we still feel like there is more to do. God is not done.
And as it often happens between us, when the Lord desires to bring us closer to one another but also to offer us spiritual covering, He tells us to have sex. It happens like this–a brief touch under the sheets as we pray send shock waves. What would normally be a nothing, suddenly feels like something. I think “Hmmm, I feel like we should have sex,” and before I can finish the thought Jonathan chimes in.
And then we know what God is up to, inviting us to worship Him and love one another in one intimate wonderful act. And so we do, happily.
Following that, you would think we would have just drifted off to sleep…and we tried. But, as we did Jonathan saw a picture from the Lord regarding our children. He saw inventory rooms, stock rooms like those at a retailer, filled with stock. Each of our children, according to their age and spiritual maturity had varying amounts of “spiritual stock” in the rooms.
We felt compelled now to pray for them, our children. We prayed over each and as Jonathan prayed aloud for Tolan, our middle child, he began to weep.
Tolan is sensitive, emotional, often discontent, and delayed a bit in his speech. We have worried from time to time about his development and how he will be as a man. But as Jonathan prayed for him, the Lord said “Where Tolan is weak in his speech, he will be mighty for Me.”
Tears streamed down both of our faces. Overwhelmed by the loving kindness of the Lord, of His battle on our behalf, of Him and all that He is.
The very next day, Jonathan recounted the word the Lord had spoken about Tolan to a friend of ours. Immediately this friend began to prophesy to Jonathan that our family bloodline would know the Lord–that His eyes would be upon them always. More tears.
And this story is my story…
It is all real and filled with the power and testimony of Jesus Christ. And this story is my life in an ongoing way. This is my reality. I am living a life surrounded by and filled up with a supernatural, mighty, speaking, and active God.
And this God is your God too. He is all of these things to not only me, but to you, as well. He longs to speak to you in new and life-giving ways. That is my prayer for you and my continued prayer for myself–that in making Jesus the Head, and allowing the Holy Spirit to lead, the voice and will of God will be made known.
Where freedom lives also and hope springs anew. Where the “ordinary Christian life” is impossible. Where darkness cannot live and the Lord God reigns. Where we see Him face-to-face.