Last week, I posted a video called Ted Bundy’s Dirty Little Secret. The comments that followed were impassioned and varying. The dirty little secret is pornography. I promised to do a follow-up post discussing my own personal views and story regarding the subject, so here I am, ready to talk porn.
I imagine that almost all of us, in one way or another, have been affected by pornography. It is so rampant and so prevalent that it is difficult to escape.
My porn story is probably very much like other porn stories, and it begins on a warm Arizona afternoon…
I remember when I discovered it for the first time. I was at a house with a friend with no parents present. My eyes met the glossy magazine page and I was shocked. I was also simultaneously intrigued and curious.
“Who were these women and why were they doing this?” I wondered, like any 9 year old might. “Did someone make them… or force them to do this? Or did they want to? But how could they want to?”
My friend and I continued to turn the pages of the gateway pornography material, also known as Playboy. We then tucked it back where we had found it and never said a word to anyone. But the images…
The images never left my mind. I can recall some of them even today, if I wanted to, but I don’t want to.
It was only a few years later when I accidentally saw my first pornographic film, on a television where parents were not at home.
I watched. I felt disgusting. I felt excited. I felt confused.
By the time I reached high school, I had pretty well made my mind up about pornography, even before I was a Christian. I hated it. I wanted nothing to do with it.
Didn’t they know it was wrong? Didn’t they have, like I did even at age 14, a sickening feeling in their stomach at the thought of men staring at naked women, or people performing sex acts for an audience?
As an adult, I understand how easily men and women can both be trapped in the addictive world of pornography. I understand, too, how wives can turn a blind eye to their husband’s behavior or, worse, participate alongside them. It is a vile, yet lustful passion that can overtake a person. Like any good lust, you must feed it more and more in order to satisfy. Playboys are no longer enough. You need Hustler. Forget magazines, now you need soft porn. When soft porn no longer fills the lustful desire, you need hardcore pornography, and so on. Until, one day, your life is filled with an addiction and it holds you captive.
My purpose in writing this is to bring freedom. People within the Church and outside the Church are afraid to talk about pornography. The more we stay silent, the more of an impact and grip it has on us. I hadn’t shared my “porn story” with anyone before now. My husband asked me before I set out to write this post, “What is the story? I don’t even know.”
Why was I quiet for so long? Because there is shame. I admit that I feel like I did something wrong. I was a child, though. I know rationally that I did nothing wrong… it is freeing just to type those words. I did nothing wrong.
I experienced many overly sexual situations as a young child that I should not have. Pornography was just a portion, but proved damaging for a long time.
Americans are over sexualized, in general, and yet ashamed and often embarrassed to address the issue of porn. Satan is winning. He has convinced people to be sexy, want sex, talk sex, but also to watch others have sex in secret. How messed up is that?
Some things in the Church are changing, however. People like XXX Church, Hookers for Jesus, and Anne Jackson are loudly proclaiming the need to not just acknowledge porn is an epidemic, but do something about it. Now.
I plan to be vigilant in praying for the Lord to protect my children from pornography. I must trust Him to keep their eyes from experiencing what I did so early on. I know it will be difficult, maybe even impossible. The Internet is a porn-churning machine, but God is bigger. He is faithful. He loves His children and He loves… freedom.
If you feel brave, or encouraged, or convicted to share… what is YOUR porn story? When did you first see it? How did it happen? How do you feel now? Again, there is no judgment or shame, only God’s grace, love, and forgiveness.
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Nicole,
You constantly amaze me… talking about sex and porn! Wow! Good for you. I totally agree, our society has made sex and being sexy into something more “valuable” than the love and faith. In addition,I so enjoyed reading what you and said about what sex within marriage should be about – the love, honor and respect (and fun), as God intended. What polar opposite topics, yet both so relevant.
What I think is especially sad is that Satan uses our dirty little secrets (no matter what they are – big or small) to hound us and make us feel unworthy of God’s love. I had a friend whose dirty little secret was that she wasn’t baptized as a baby… it seemed crazy to me, why is that a big deal, she was a baby. But to her, it was a dirty little secret that the enemy used to make her feel unworthy. When she finally “confessed” her dirty little secret (and was baptized into the church) the relief was visible on her face. Her dirty little secret was no longer a tool used by Satan to keep her from a deeper relationship with God.
I hope your post reminds us all that no matter what the dirty secret, even if it’s something we did (or didn’t do) as a child is only useful to Satan, if it remains secret.
As for porn specifically,I totally agree with everything you said! Thank you for “talking” about taboo topics in such a relative and thought provocing way! You inspire me to think about things in different ways!
Thank you for the encouragement. It is so awesome.
I agree with you that Satan will use whatever dark hidden secret you have to keep you bound and in hiding.
It can be anything–pride, theft, anger, alcohol, gossip, lust–doesn’t matter. Anything that prevent us from walking in Christ’s freedom, is our potential “secret.”
I’m glad you feel inspired to think about things in different ways! That makes me so happy! xo
I love you. I’m proud of you. And I love this post.
The first time I ever saw pornography was at a church, no less! I was 11. A teenager that was there had a Playboy in his backpack, which he left unattended. I found it with a friend, we looked at it, we laughed, and like you said, we were intrigued, perplexed, and confused. But we knew it was wrong, and tucked it back nicely.
That started me looking at much more as I came into my mid-to-late teen years. I never stopped hating it, though admittedly, I didn’t hate it enough. Eventually, even though I despised it, I couldn’t help myself. It was definitely an addiction at points… and lust can still be a temptation.
I had a wise friend who put it best with sins such as these. Once you’re exposed to it, it’s like your “bones have been broken.” It’s not that bones can’t heal again–they can and do–but those previously broken bones become more fragile, weaker. They’re more prone to being broken again.
Thank God for His forgiveness, redemption, transformation, and power over sin. We need Him, every day, to help us overcome the battles we wage, flesh vs. spirit. As Paul writes in Romans 7:15:
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
Thanks for sharing that JC. I’m so proud of you too.
I wonder how many men struggle with pornography and then get married, thinking that it will “fix” things? If anything marriage is just as tempting of a situation to engage in viewing pornography. The enemy would love to use porn to tear apart any marriage.
Vigilance against porn has to come from both the husband and the wife because as you said, once those bones are broken, they are more fragile and susceptible to reoccurring injury.
Love you! Xo
i’ve worked with thousands of men and women over the years. i’ve participated in the coordination and birth of several rehab programs.
from cocaine, alcohol, heroine, sexual addiction, etc. i’ve found that nothing quite carries the stigma that pornography and sexual addiction does. when people i work with share their story, they are well received if they are recovering heroine addicts. as if thats ‘cool’. but the people who are honest enough to not hide their secret and share their problem with porn are always treated differently.
thanks for sharing and not giving power to the secret by keeping your story secret and allowing another place for others to share their secret.
kudos
Isn’t it crazy how others and we, ourselves, attach gradations of “acceptable” or “cool” to certain sins? It is so harmful to the body and so destructive to the individual.
I’m praying for the social stigma attached to porn and sex addiction to be broken. Bradley, thank you for your ministry and heart to serve in the area of addiction and recovery. Ma the Lord bless your work.
Thank you for sharing and commenting.
FYI…And these are stats from 2005. If the Church isn’t addressing this, then all odds are that the stats are far worse!
Below an excerpt from a Christian magazine
—————————————–
Could half of Christian men have a problem with porn, as so many of the statistics say? Porn is reported to be a 12 billion dollar industry in the U.S… 50 percent of men viewed pornography within one week of attending a Promise Keepers stadium event… 54 percent of pastors said they viewed porn within the past year in a Pastors.com survey… in a 2003 Focus on the Family poll 47 percent of respondents said porn is a problem in their home.
…
But In My Church?
Certainly half the men in my church couldn’t have a problem with porn. Most the men in our body of 600 are in their late 30s to early 40s, married, and the father of little ones. They have successful careers making good money and are involved in ministry. I couldn’t picture so many of these men I sit next to every Sunday leering at porn.
Wanting to prove the numbers wrong, in the spring of 2004 I approached the leadership of our church and asked if we could survey the men on the topic of pornography. Our numbers will be different; “half” can’t be true here, I thought. Of those who responded, 25 percent had looked at porn within the past 30 days, 44 percent within six months, and 61 percent within the year. The real statistic is probably higher; I heard later that a number of men didn’t fill out the survey “because they were afraid of how it would be used.”
Gary, thank you so much for sharing those numbers with us. It is appalling and yet encouraging to me. It motivates me to want to continue to raise the topic of pornography.
If those stats are even close to correct, then pornography is truly an epidemic within the Church. I hope and pray though that as more and more people talk about this issue it will bring freedom. Likewise, if the Church were to grow in addressing, acknowledging, and providing support for those addicted (or even casually viewing) pornography, then the numbers–and Satan’s grip–could be lessened.
Thank you Gary for adding this to the discussion. It is sobering yet insightful.
My brother was my main source of “porn” discovery. I don’t think my dad ever had anything around the house; I did find the book “The Joy of Sex” once in my mother’s bureau, and that sent me reeling, the mere idea of my mother READING that, let alone doing anything that she saw in it…hrm.
My brother lived at home during his law school years, and on nights when he was out late, or traveling, I would go into his room and watch his TV. Once i turned on the TV and the VCR started playing a tape of “Debbie Does Dallas.” Where he taped it from, or got it, I don’t know. I will admit to watching it for a while, out of shocked fascination. There is always that, isn’t there? And part of me was trying to understand why he would be interested in this, while part of me knew darn well WHY he was.
When I told him how disgusted I was, he shrugged, but he looked embarassed and harrassed. He said it was a way of “relaxing” and finding release. Anyway. After he moved out I remember visiting him in his apartment (which he shared with a fellow lawyer, and they didn’t get along at all, she was as messy as he was) and finding, on the back of his toilet in the bathroom off the hallway (the roommate had laid claim to the master suite in the apartment, another point of contention) some horrible, horrible magazines. I didn’t even have to open them to see horrific, out-of-proportion nudity; they weren’t even as “classy” as Playboy. I think the title of one magazine may have been “Jugs”.
I asked him WHY on God’s green earth he would leave those in his bathroom, knowing that I was visiting and would be using that bathroom (the roommate’s bathroom being off-limits). Again, he shrugged. He seemed to either think it not a big deal or enjoyed shocking me. I told him it was disgusting and if he planned to bring dates back to his apartment, he could forget about ever having a relationship once they saw those things.
It was very hard to for me to keep loving my brother after realizing he was attracted to pornography. I do think that my parents did him a great disservice; they never had “the talk” about sex and how it was a meaningful thing in a relationship; they simply left him on his own to find his own way. No wonder he strayed.
I am very, very blessed to be married to a man who has no interest–zero–in pornography. I am so glad that our sons will grow up in a home where none of that will be around.
Wow Karen. Thank you so much for sharing that here.
I think it pains me more than most anything that many people first see porn because of someone else’s selfish or irresponsible desires and sin. Most people, I don’t think, don’t go out searching for pornography initially. They find it by accident and are then either disgusted or hooked.
You bring up a good point too about your parents never talking to him about sex or what it is to have a meaningful relationship. I wonder how much of an impact the absence of that conversation had on him. It is a good reminder that as parents we need to not just ask the Lord to protect, but we also need to speak freely about sex–explaining it as God’s gift for marriage and nothing less.
Thanks again Karen for commenting on this topic.
Had it not been for the internet, I probably would have never known porn. As strong as my desires were, the shame and risk of being caught or seen with it would have been enough to stop me. I bravely found internet porn at age 18 and there was no going back. The ability to get it whenever I wanted (and whatever flavor I wanted it in) for free was the perfect storm for my life. I was the kid who had no friends growing up and never had the courage to ask the girls out that he liked. I went through my twenties having all of the same strong “marital impulse” as any other man, but having no confidence or prospects of ever finding someone. Porn was never ever a suitable substitute for a loving relationship in my life, but it provided an outlet of relief for the stress, hurt, and fear of loneliness I knew in my life. I actually hated myself for the many years that I was addicted to it. I knew that sooner or later, I would have to give it up, but that was always for later. I was entitled, I needed my release somehow. All my friends were married and I was the odd man out who couldn’t get past a second date (that was my attitude at least). I became angry at God, I would say “You KNOW I have these desires, why don’t you provide me with the proper outlet to release them so I don’t sin??!!” The addiction fed depression, anger, resentment, frustration, and fear. Fear because deep down, I knew my spirit was convicting me and I knew that God would not be mocked. To make matters worse, when I finally turned to trusted brothers for help and accountability, they were unreliable and often forgot that I had ever asked in the first place.
The only thing in the end that caused me to give it up was God’s word. It sounds so cliche, but when I sat down and actually started to read it, the conviction was overwhelming. We are fed the lie that in order to have a happy life, we must have constant stimulation. I bought that lie hook, line, and sinker. The big thing in my life has been not only surrender of all areas to God, but finding joy and contentment in a simple life.
I would love to say that my time of healing and redemption is a long chapter in my life, but it isn’t. The act of using pornography in my life is finished, but the hurt, the shame, and the fear, one that comes from willful and continual habits of sin has yet to fully heal. I know that God will over time, heal my wounds, heal my scars, and if I trust in Him, provide for ALL areas of my life in better ways than I could ever imagine and pray for.
Even in healing, the enemy attacks. He says “Why give up, you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life and you KNOW IT!” or “You messed up so much that God will never take you back!” What is different now is that with a cleaner mind not being filled with constant poison, I can see and hear the lies for what they are. The time of healing will come, and honestly, some scars will always be there. If God chooses to do something as insane as provide me with a wife someday, I will carry come of this baggage into a marriage. More than anything else, I will carry that guilt in knowing that I let a sin control me for so long. As forgiven as I may be, it is difficult for a finite human mind to ever truly let go of the past. Yet, with God’s grace, I know that my past is behind me and that true evidence of healing is working in my life as I write this. The truth is, I would never have not written this post a year ago out of the fear of being “found out.”
Joey, thank you.
Thank you for writing this, not because I asked people to or only because you are brave, but because you have just shared a powerful testimony of God’s grace and forgiveness.
Your past sin is no different than other people’s sin. The Church though, of course, and people, attach such stigma to the topic of pornography. Men are made to feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, and disgusting. When the truth is, pornography affects so many men and so many families. It is a prime weapon in Satan’s arsenal.
Thank you that you wrote those words, in part, because of the healing that the Lord has provided you have experienced freedom. Freedom is what I’m after, for all believers. Thank you for encouraging any other men who read this that they are not alone and that God does care. Thank you for writing this for any woman who might read this and is perhaps struggling with an addiction of her own or whose husband is trapped by pornography. Your words provide hope.
I pray Joey that there will not continue to be any shame or guilt. Satan has told me too, so many times, that I am worthless and God could never use a broken person like me. God relishes in taking us back though. He does not just tolerate us. He rejoices in us. Love you brother and may the Lord bless you for your obedience, faithfulness, confession, and surrender. You have brought glory to God through your words and I am humbled. Thank you…
In all these lies that the very well known liar says :”Why give up, you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life and you KNOW IT” and “You messed up so much that God will never take you back!”
I simply remind you the everlasting Word of God where you can stand. “If we walk in the light, as He is in the light we have fellowship together and the blood of Christ, the Son of God cleans us from EVERY Sin”. So we see that the fact that you observe that porn is a sin means that you walk in the light ;) and not only that ,but also that it can be cleaned as long as you will ask for forgiveness.
About the first lie, I will remind you one of the basic and first axioms of the Lord that said to prophet Samuel when he was a young boy “I will honor those who honor me”. And since “The wife is given by the Lord” and “Ask and it will be given” so “Do you believe that?” Ask from him and “no longer sin”
Satan’s power comes from 3 words, each containiing 5 letters. I don’t know of 15 letters with such power. What are they?
GUILT, SHAME, and PRIDE.
Is there any sin that isn’t rooted from one or more of these words?
Great post. I still struggle with Porn… refreshing to see it dealt with head-on
Andrew, this is so wise and filled with truth. I have even heard it said that pride alone, is perhaps the root cause of all sin. I can certainly see that to be true in my own sin.
Thank you for sharing and commenting. I hope that the more we talk about the grip of pornography, the less of power it will actually hold. Bring it into the light…
Blessings to you Andrew.
My involvement with porn began when I was about 9 in a barber shop (it was Playboy). Coming from a background in humanistic therapy, my mom considered it healthy curiosity, and thus allowed me to look. At 10, I had my own subscription. Within a few years, I had inherited my mom’s boyfriend’s magazines (I won’t name them here). This progressed to late night movies. The long and short of it is that I was heavily involved in porn from the ages of 9 – 18. God, in His grace (and with a sense of humor), sent my doped out friend to me, seemingly at random, shortly after I turned 18. He asked if I wasn’t “sick of this sh*t” yet,” and I didn’t get rid of it. Pot may have been his drug, but porn was mine. He saw this, high as he was, and pulled a reverse intervention on me! We stood shoulder to shoulder and tossed every single magazine into the large green receptacles they use here in the Phoenix area.
Thanks for sharing on this hot button issue. Let me recommend a great website that calls Christians to a different path away from pornography. It’s a website run by three pastors called “My Chains Are Gone.” (http://mychainsaregone.org/). The site teaches the difference between the pornographic view of the body and the redeemed view of the body. Highly recommended.