Let me start by saying “thank you.” Thank you for sticking with me despite my virtual disappearance from this blog. Thank you for being patient with me while I figured out what the heck I’m doing. Thank you for still being willing to read and be a part of this community. You guys are the best. Really. I mean it.
Secondly, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for just leaving and not telling you where I was going. To be honest, I didn’t intend on leaving. I took one week off due to busyness. The next week I felt uninspired. The following weeks I was on vacation and then really sick. And before I knew it, over a month had gone by without so much as a “Hey dude, what’s up?” from me. So I’m sorry.
Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way. Let’s talk. I’ve had some things on my mind and I gotta tell you guys.
Last week, I turned 33. (This, I don’t wanna talk about.) But, every year my birthday rolls around I can’t help but get all reflective and introspective. Which got me thinking about Modern Reject. In doing so, I realized that I have really been lacking motivation, passion, and vision for my writing.
Motivation used to come easily. I felt a constant need to be churring out new content, but things like having a third child, homeschooling, and church/ministry life have drained much of my motivation, or rather transferred motivation to other areas. Then there’s passion, which I suppose goes hand-in-hand with motivation, doesn’t it? You can’t have one without the other. Which leaves vision, of which I’ve had none. I didn’t know what I wanted to write about anymore. I didn’t know where I was headed.
And I’ll be honest with you guys. I seriously considered closing up shop. I was going to quit blogging…at least I really, really wanted to.
Then, my husband and I left for a week vacation to Cancun. Hello sunshine, frozen cocktails, quiet, rest, and vision. Who knew? Jonathan and I prayed quite a bit while in Mexico and God was so quick to give us vision for all areas of our life, including this blog.
Here’s what I left knowing:
This is just a blog and while I am truly thankful and grateful to every single person who reads it, I cannot place more importance or value on it than it’s worth. I gotta let some of that go.
I’m busy. My life is full and once upon a time, I had more time to devote to Modern Reject. However, that time has come and gone. So I’m freeing myself up. My goal is to write 2-3 times a week, but if I don’t some weeks, I don’t. I hope you support me in that and offer your continual grace.
I’m not popular. Now, you my lovely readers might disagree, but allow me to explain. This was a big revelation for me and an important one. I used to (and would confess up until a few weeks ago still felt this) dream about Modern Reject making it big. You know, a post going viral, thousands and thousands of readers, a book deal, a platform, a column in some well-respected publication. But I’m not RHE or JVM and truth is, I probably never will be.
But, this ain’t no pity party, so keep reading…
God reminded me that I’m not popular. I mean, I’ve always known this, but now I feel like I’m okay knowing it. I accept it. Heck, I’m sort of relieved by it.
Because Jesus wasn’t popular either. I don’t tend to fit into people’s categories. I’m not liberal/progressive enough for some. I’m not fundamental/conservative enough for others. I don’t write about current events (much) or debate politics. I don’t write beautifully or lyrically. I don’t dwell in the gray because I find purpose and freedom in the black and white. And this is not where most people want to land.
Most Christians do not want to read a blog like Modern Reject. Those of you who are committed to this community are truth-seekers and I believe God honors that.
Some people think I’ve become a whack-job Christian, charismatic and weird. Some don’t believe the things I write and others feel threatened. Yet, not one group can lay claim to me. No one can say, “Yeah, Nicole, she’s with us. She’s [fill in the blank with any number of Christian labels.] ” The only person who can claim me is Jesus Christ. I’m His and this is His blog.
The Lord settled it in my Spirit that MR might never make it big, but He also reassured me that I am absolutely where I am supposed to be.
So, moving forward I’m going to be writing more like this and this and heck, even this. I’m going to trust the Holy Spirit when He plants ideas. I’m going to forget about what I thought this would be and instead embrace what it has become. I’m going to offer to you the only thing I know to give –a deeper revelation of Jesus Christ because minute by minute that is all He is doing. And that’s all I care about.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
Often it’s easy to forget that creativity is a journey.
The healing that comes with being realistic but still finding a way for your passion to be fueled by the Holy Spirit is unlike any other.
I’m confident, Modern Reject, will continue to be used for more good than you can imagine. My prayer is that you’ll be able to keep fighting the good fight, be purely motivated, and continue to pursue your creative endeavors thru the lens of Christ.
Thank you for sharing this side of yourself with the world. It’s just as important as are the mountain-top moments of inspiration.
Bless you!
PHILIPPIANS 3:3
Mitchell,
Thank you for the kind and confident words you spoke over me. I’m thankful for your prayer.
Welcome Back Nicole!
Thanks Chris! Good to be back.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Nicole. I’m so glad in the midst of crazy you & the hubz were able to get away. My hubby & I had a 10 yr. wedding anniversary vacay in Cancun too & I remember. Oh, I remember. It was amazeballs. So so so so glad you had that & for your renewed vision as well.
I went through a similar revelation a little while earlier and wrote a whole big, ‘this is why I’m not trying to be a big blogger post….’ and decided to slow it down, to take myself and my blog so much less seriously…to not worry about who does and doesn’t read me. It’s been really freeing, I’ve slowed down & refocused on other areas of my life and that’s been so good and healthy for me. I applaud you & hope this will be an amazing journey for you.
Respect & love you, Sis.
Grace,
I’m glad you’ve found a more freeing place too. I’m convinced it produces better and more fruitful writing. Thank you for the encouragement, sister.
And yes, Cancun is so amazeballs!
Thank you for this! Even though it was about you, God showed me some encouraging things in reading this! I myself have been overloaded, stressed, not feeling I’m meeting everyone’s standards ( but mainly my images (idols) ) and so letting go the past few weeks has been way harder than I imagined! Hearing that you had to let go of some aspects as well was encouraging, I’m not alone lol! I love how you embrace that you really don’t fit in … I live with knowing I don’t really fit in and it hurts sometimes! Like you I’m too conservative and what some call ” legalistic” but for the group I try to fit in with I’m not either of those enough lol.. Jesus was showing me recently how he didn’t fit in, he didn’t have a ton of BFF’S he went about doing His Fathers Will, he delighted in that no matter his popularity.. Such freedom there, yet I find myself feeling rejected most of the time. Thank you for sharing! It really hit home in ways that may seem strange lol. God Bless you!!!!
Nicely done. When we finally give it up to God, realizing being “Popular” ( think christen chenowith) isn’t nearly as important to Him as to us. Okay, it’s not even on His top ten… Or 110, we start letting go. Maybe then He can begin to use us. Let’s face it, in the Christian world of writers, bloggers, speakers, yada yada… There’s some rock stars and we can think we need to do the same. We are jealous. we have good stuff to offer. we are clever, witty, deep, Spirit inspired. :)
Unfortunately, its a tough road, filled with delusional grandeur that even some devout fall into. We need to pray for these guys and gals… And maybe be thankful God has not called us to that. We want them to succeed and change the world, but remember, we are changing it too… One relationship at a time. God doesn’t place a higher value on them.
My blog is pitifully small, but so what?! If I touch one person, encourage one sista or brother, show someone grace… Yeah Jesus! He is plead and I am jazzed! Is there really a better feeling?
You have wisdom to share and I enjoy it… And I am loads older than you. BTW, enjoy your bdays and give God a big smile when they roll around.
When we finally get comfortable in this skin He has given us, we start enjoying those gifts we stumble upon, recognizing they are from above.
You are young and have found some of these truths early. Cheers!! Not every thirty something gets it. Most are still pinning all day, heck my age is doing that. Come on people…. The days may be long, but the years are short. Do what matters, today.
Be steadfast and share what He gives ya. :)
Jesus claiming you is exactly where he wants you to be. It would be no fun if I had to read a progressive MR or a Conservative MR. Reading where the holy spirit leads you is what makes you loved by many. Your authentic and real, and you love Jesus. You are open to things he has for you without boundaries but never varying from his truth either. Sometimes what people want to hear isn’t always what they need. And this is NOT usually popular, however so Amazing for the people who are willing to listen! Those are your subscribers, and why they love you!
Thank you friend. That means so much. Love you!
<3!
Nicole,
I am grateful for you and this blog. It is hard to put in words just how much I have gleamed from not just your words, but the essense of your life that truly does come through what you write. The life & love inside of you is very important, and this blog is a gift to the wider body of Christ. This blog has torn down walls of fear in my life, and for that I’ll be forever grateful.
yep what my dear brother Jamal said
Jamal,
Wow…and well, wow. I’m humbled and moved and grateful…and all that kind of good stuff. I treasure these words. Thank you for sharing them.
Sounds good, sister. Looking forward to reading when you have the time to post.
I’m going through something similar, Nicole, only with opposite time issues. I’m an empty-nester grandmother who enjoys time alone, as well as with my family. So I have days upon days where I have nothing to “do” but write. Yet, I, too, am mostly uninspired.
Yes, I like to write. But, as Daddy made so clear to me a few years ago, writer is not my identity – even when I have lots of time for it. Yet I still fall back into that idea that I need to validate my worth – even to myself – so I can always say “I write” even if there is nothing else specific I can lay claim to.
Anyway, I haven’t totally come through to the other side of this almost shutting down place, but the hope of Christ in me has stirred me once again to know I’m about to see it as He does. Meanwhile, I’ll post to my blogs when He stirs me, not simply because of the calendar calling me to do so.
Thanks for writing this, and for following His lead. How much more effective would all of our writing be if we simply followed Him.
Blessings in Christ!
Nicole, You were missed!
It seems to me your writing has been about finding Truth, regardless of the cost. You’re on the same path. The scenery just looks a little different here.
Just keep following where he leads. <3
I Love you Nicole, we love you and as a part of the Body we need you, and so we are soooo glad to see you back after your restful interlude
Nicole,
You are blessed to have the wisdom and maturity to evaluate yourself honestly. You are maturing and doing so in a gracious manner. Our Secular/Christian world is sorely lacking in gracious people. I am privileged to know a couple of gracious men and women and they continually enrich my life; You are in their League.
Ecc 3:1 To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens:
You are fortunate, Nicole, to be at this place of revelation at 33. I am twice your age and just coming to similar conclusions. I am happy for you.
God bless.
I’ll read whenever you are led to write! I’m glad you took time to refocus. So important!
This Christian, unchurched though she may be, DOES
This Christian, unchurched though she may be, DOES want to read your blog. And is very glad you’re back. And is glad that you’re not trying to be like anyone else, but just yourself. And is trusting you’ll stay that way.
There’s more than one definition of success.
Do it Nicole! Your blog is unique, fresh and most-importantly it is focused on Christ. I am one of your readers who comes seeking truth. I love the simplicity and purity in your writing. You don’t add fluff and I love it! I encourage you to write only when it works for you and your family. I for one won’t stop reading if you miss a week or month or even a year :) Love and blessings to you!
You’re committing to being honest, direct, and Spirit-led? I’m so glad more of the great wide wonder of the world will get to know the real you. You’re one of the coolest people I know.
Wow, I know exactly what you are saying here. And you ARE exactly where God wants you to be. Being authentic in a blog is the best thing you can do in blogging. I’m glad you got a little rest, relaxation, restoration and perspective. You stay right in the center of God’s will. Great things (great things as God sees them) will happen for you.
“I don’t dwell in the gray because I find purpose and freedom in the black and white. And this is not where most people want to land.”
“I’m going to trust the Holy Spirit when He plants ideas. I’m going to forget about what I thought this would be and instead embrace what it has become. I’m going to offer to you the only thing I know to give –a deeper revelation of Jesus Christ because minute by minute that is all He is doing. And that’s all I care about.”
You see, when you say stuff like that, I get all happy inside and my spirit smiles a raging YES!
Nicole, you are your Father’s daughter. You are exactly the Nicole He wants. You know what to do. You know what to say. You know what to reveal. And you know what it will bring.
You know, as you are known. Please share this with this bloggity-blog world of Internet seekers, strangers, friends, and family in Christ. Ultimately, you honor Him when you do.
Love you in The Lord, Nicole. You’ve no idea how excited (and tragically impatient! grr..argh) I am to finally be coming to AZ to meet your family! Oh, and have a meeting with other sons of God….:)
Would it be odd if I told you that our Father is saying, “You got this, Nicole, because I got you.”
Thank you, Donald. You’ve been such a consistent and powerful voice and supporter of me and this blogging trek. Your encouragement is priceless to me. Truly. And I love the Father telling me “You got this…I’ve got you.” It made me smile because my spirit knew it was true.
Nicole,
I honestly and simply want to see you surpass yourself and be the Nicole our Father wants you to be. No kidding. :)
Nicole, it’s good to be reading MR again. Kudos for you for doing the work, checking your gut and your spirit, and obeying God. Be you, and do you. That’s all you can do. Best to you, my dear.
yay!! Glad your back & keepin it REAL!
I’ve been going through something similar with my music lately. Thank you for putting my thoughts in to words. I’ll return the favor by putting your feelings in to song.
Do your thing girl. Be who God created you to be. Stay true to His word. Share Truth. Share love. You don’t change the world by having a huge platform. You change the world by being faithful to the platform you’ve been given.
Oh Nicole, how I always love and learn from your posts and this one is no exception. You are such a gift and continually remind me that there are still Christians out there that seek Him above everything else. Your posts have inspired, challenged and scared me more than any other blog I have read… and I love that. You usually get me thinking for days or sometimes weeks at a time, questioning my wrong theology, and seeking truth above all else. Thank you for all that you sacrifice in the process of bringing glory to God – He is most certainly glorified here. I pray that He gives you the strength to continue or the peace to retire. Whatever the case, I’m sure you will be led to the right choice. Thank you for always being honest, insightful, courageous, beautiful and a shining example of a Godly woman. Much Love <3
I love reading what you write because you are genuine and heartfelt. But blogging is HARD – don’t I know it! I got burned out this year after moving to Korea and adjusting to all the things! Do your family first, and when inspirations hits share with us. ^_^
I have always believed in you! I have to admit I have not been on your blog in a long time, but I have now found some time to come back and so I am catching up :) Thanks for being vulnerable. Who knows what will come from your blog; God definitely has a use for it for something good for His Kingdom.
I’ve missed you and I’m so glad your back.
Time and time again I’ve been encouraged by your blog. Many times I’ve shared an interesting post with my friends that sparked discussions that were so real and meaningful because you are so down-to-earth and relatable. I know God is working through you with this blog and with your many dedicated readers, so thank you!
Man, am I glad that you’re not going to stop writing! I’m even gladder that you’re going to write more about stuff like that. Living in the power of the Holy Spirit is normal Christian behavior not whack-job, charismatic anything! Can’t wait to read more.
So many good things have been written already, so I’ll just say “I adore you!!” and stand right behind you in support. And I look forward to reading whenever you are inspired to sit down and have the message flow!!
i read your blog because it presents a different way of thinking or a different view on things Biblical. I don’t always leave comments but I read them most of the time, I like the dialog. As far as your “absents” I just figured you was chilling or just didn’t know what to write about, I wasn’t worried but i would have been a little sad…..lol
Nicole, “This is just a blog.” Amen, sister. I, too, have felt uninspired lately, and the temptation is certainly to close up shop. The Lord has impressed upon me that I am way too concerned about “success”, and that losing sight of His glory would be devastating. Christ secured our new identity in Himself by the cross, so I have no need to look elsewhere. I have nothing to prove! And that is incredibly freeing. I am so glad to read I am not alone. Thanks for sharing your heart, and for being obedient to the Lord.
No matter how often you post, we are just glad you post and share your heart. Thank you for making it so we can be more bold, honest, and focused on our faith and the life God calls us to. You are a great gift to the world and leave your footprints on many hearts whenever you post. Thank you for letting God use you!
Yes. Just so much yes.
I’m with you, Nicole.
GIRL! You’re a mom and a wife and a home schooler and oh yah you have a church meet in your house!!!… I’m surprised you have time for anything else at all!!! :) Girl you just keep soaking in Jesus and He is going to use you as the tool He has created… no matter how big or how small…. maybe a little allen wrench… maybe a huge crane… but both as so equally important so whichever was He decides to use you, you’re going to get work DONE SON! :) i will patiently wait for each post graciously and with understanding :)
Aw, man… I just discovered your blog yesterday. I hope you continue to blog on a regular basis – even if “regular” today means less than what you used to do. I have really appreciated what I’ve read thus far.
Keisha,
Thank you so much for the kind words. I’ll still be around and I look forward to seeing you around these parts too. Blessings.