While at a recent family dinner, gathered around a humongous table in an obnoxious dinosaur themed restaurant, I asked the question, “Why get married?”
People get married for all kinds of reasons. Some good, some bad. Some beneficial, some harmful.
The obvious answer to “why get married?” is because you’re in love and stuff. I’m a semi-romantic, if there is such a thing, but, really? Love? I think that’s one of the least appealing reasons to get married.
Here’s why: Marriage is about, at least in the beginning, growing up and living with someone on a day-to-day basis. It’s about getting along with someone and serving them even when you don’t feel like it. It’s about commitment and steadfastness.
Sounds boring and a little painful, huh? Well, maybe on some days. But most days love and the mushy gushy feelings of love, are not going to be what keeps you content, patient, or even together. Love is of course necessary. It is the underlying current but not the sole motivator.
I was wondering, why did I get married? I am not trying to sound like a Tyler Perry movie..I’m just asking. I mean, I loved Jonathan at the time. But I had been in love before and hadn’t gotten married then. I’d even dated someone that I wanted to marry before Jonathan but didn’t marry him.
I realized there were a few reasons I got married. One, was that I was just ready. I was older, a bit wiser. I knew what I wanted (somewhat) and what I didn’t. I was finished with college and had lived on my own. It was just the time. Marriage was the natural next step.
I also knew I had met my match in Jonathan. I met a man who was all the things I had wished for and all the things I hadn’t known to wish for. God is so good like that. And so when he was presented to me, so to speak, I felt for the first time like I had met a man who I would enjoy the rest of my life with, which was key for me.
People, unfortunately, do often get married for so many terrible reasons. For instance many people tie the knot for financial reasons, or for comfort, or because they’ve been together so long that they feel obligated. Of course we all know of folks who walk down the aisle because of out of wedlock pregnancy, or co-dependency or a host of other unhealthy reasons.
And that night at the T Rex table there were some funny and sweet answers shared as to why people got married… here are a few of them…
- “Not having to leave each other at night…waking up next to each other.”
- “Getting to be with your best friend all the time.”
- “Feeling that you are built for marriage.” Meaning that some people are better suited for and more excited about marriage and thus do so sooner and faster.
- “Sex!”
- “Being able to share and build your dreams together.”
- “Someone to cook and do laundry”
- “Knowing that this is the person God has for you”
What I love is that everyone gave a different answer albeit some answers were possible argument starters with the others spouse. And that’s okay. Everyone has a different reason for getting married…as it should be.
What’s yours? Why did you or do you want to get married? Or why do you not want to be married?
I want to be married because it seems like a grown up thing to do. I always thought I would be. I am a people person and a deep person. I want a best friend for life that is committed to me and committed to working with me. Most people are married and or partnered that makes that other person their priority and leaves us singles out.
I think marriage is good for people and society. My parents were married. Marriage biblical and a blessing from the Lord.
The only thing worse than not being married is being in a bad one. Did not want to go that route so I am still waiting.
A thought occurred to me that though speaks of the out of orderness of our day makes a lot of sense: Parenthood is a great experience to test marriage skills.
Parenting is selfless and tiring if you do it right. You do it because it’s worth it and you sacrifice. At all hours whatever is needed is what gets done. If I can do that, marriage can’t be worse and should have more perks. Ha ha ha
Not only love, like you I had loved before…but a calling to spend the rest of my life with this girl is what sealed the deal.
I grew up in a broken home, so marriage and family was something I always wanted. So, when I found him (I was 19), I was just ready. Now, I don’t think that’s the best reason to get married, I came in with a lot of expectations for a sweet little trial-free marriage. Now, five years and three kids later, I know there is no such thing. But, I’m thankful for every minute of it. Marriage is tough, but it’s so worth it.
For the past two years it’s been mainly a desire to be a wife. Not just “I wanna husband.”
Thanks for this post Nicole! Im realizing recently that most of my life I wanted to get married for totally selfish reasons (I wanted to feel loved, cared for, and protected), I actually GOT married for mostly selfish reasons (My husband was the best man I had ever met — and I wanted to snag him up before someone else did) and that the best part about marriage is exactly what you’re talking about — it’s an opportunity to be move toward maturity by practicing selflessness. It hard sometimes, obviously. But when I’m willing to look at marriage as an opportunity to be Holy before its an opportunity to be happy, when I forget about what I “deserve” and think about how I can bless, I get to experience the joy and fulfillment that marriage has to offer.
Two days after I met my husband, we had an incredible conversation – and I remember thinking, “not only is this a guy I can see myself enjoying the good parts of life with, but I know this is someone that I can make it through the hard stuff with too”. I had never had that in a relationship before. I knew that night that I was going to marry him. I always wanted to get married, and God made it so clear that night that this was the person He had for me. How could I say no to that? ;)
To be honest, at this point, the only reason to get married would be to have sex. (That sounds totally crass writing it out…)
I used to believe in fairy tale romance and Disney movies and all of that until my parents’ marriage took a hit this year. I’d rather stay a virgin for the rest of my life than have the so-called man of my dreams fall out of love with me.
Kirsten, I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. it breaks my heart, but can I encourage you that you are not destined to have the same marriage your parents had. And too, I don’t think people just “fall out of love.” Love is not a feeling, but a constant commitment to serving one another, even when we don’t feel like it. You can have the marriage you desire because God is capable.
And I think sex is a great reason to be married. Not the only reason, but a great one.
To be with my best friend and to serve God together.
Louise, great answer! I love serving the Lord alongside my husband. It is such a reward.
I was 19 when I got engaged and 20 when I got married. We still laugh about how thankful we are that God was looking out for us because we had no idea what we were getting into. I can’t remember the exact reasons we decided to get married other than we were young, thought we knew everything, and were crazy in love. After ten great year of married, I can say that I’m thankful to be married because he and I make an amazing team. We’re opposites. I’m bookish and introverted. He doesn’t know a stranger and lives to be outdoors. Because of this we make each other better. Every day he reminds me to have fun and not to take myself too seriously. I like to think I keep him grounded. We’ve formed a bond that means the world to me, and I love him more and more every day.
I’m getting married in August because I am completely in love with the man I am marrying. We have known each other for three years and been through a lot together, both for better and for worse. We have celebrated together and mourned together. We complete each other’s thoughts before we finish thinking them. Being married isn’t going to be easy. It is going to involve both of us moving, him immigrating, a new school for me, a new everything for him, and a new life together. We know it won’t be easy, but we are so excited for it.
Why are we getting married? Because somehow, G-d has taken the two of us, from two very different backgrounds, and brought us together in a way that cannot be denied.
“Someone to cook and do laundry”
I hope a woman said that…for his sake (and hers).
I got married because I knew I we would be able to do more for God’s Kingdom together. I know…that sounds way too religious but it’s actually something me and my wife talked about when we first started to discuss it.
Love is great. The fact that she’s my best friend is awesome. Sex is fun!
There are a million other reasons but we both know that our lives are not our own and there is greater purpose and destiny for both of us. The fact that we were on the same page about that sealed the deal!
Hi Nicole,
Marriage is such a wild adventure. Why I got married then and why I am still married now don’t always have the same answers. I got married then because he was my best friend, because I couldn’t imagine life without him and I didn’t want to; because he loved Jesus and we were a good fit for each other. He made me laugh and we could talk for hours.
Sixteen years later, he still makes me laugh, we talk for hours, he loves Jesus, and he is still my best friend and I want to share life with him. Yet, I am learning also about the commitment part, and the “I made a promise before God” part, and the “This is in obedience and worship to you, God” part of marriage. It’s wonderful, romantic, and so worth it, but it is also harder than anything else in life at times, and takes sheer obedience to God in some moments.
Wonderful, worth it, and work,
Jennifer Dougan
http://www.jenniferdougan.com
I got married because I wanted and was ready to love. It wasn’t about what I could get as much as what I wanted to give. Love: the kind that works through you from the Holy Spirit. I wanted to experience God’s love through me in the most extreme way. It isn’t easy, but well worth it. He is worth all the love I can give him and worth all the love Jesus has for him.