I Didn’t Celebrate

Back in July, something remarkable happened, something truly miraculous and I didn’t even stop to take notice.

Somewhere at the end of the month, I glanced at a calendar and realized that I had been blogging for a whole 2 years. While this might not sound impressive, and why should it, I find it amazing.

It’s amazing that somehow, despite not really wanting this, I have it.

It’s amazing to me that anyone shows up to read the words I write when I feel certain some days that they mean nothing.

And it’s amazing that somehow, a few days a week, for two years, I have managed to find something to write about in the first place. Not to mention, having done so while raising babies, battling pain, and surrendering to the ministry God has for me.

But, blogging in all of it’s difficulties and all of its joy has taught me one very important lesson:

I am not a writer. Whatever small, unspoken, secret wish I held to be a writer, blogging has suffocated. This blog demands something else entirely.

I write, but I am not a writer. This truth has become painfully obvious and while it breaks my heart to admit, I also find some amount of comfort in finally knowing.

Modern Reject is not mine and to be clear, it’s not yours either. I won’t give you some line about how this blog belongs to you, and the community you’ve helped create. While I count you as as family (I really do) this blog was taken away from you and me a long time ago.

I am not a writer because this blog has become His. God allowed me the opportunity to start a sort of ministry, full of His provision and kindness in unexpected places. I write because I am constantly reminded that I should, not because it’s pretty or sexy.

(Last week, for instance, I briefly expressed some discouragement I had been feeling thanks to a few not-so-kind emails from readers. You all, once again, rallied around me in such encouraging and inspiring ways. I always feel a bit guilty, as if I’m fishing for compliments or needing my ego stroked. I’m sure some people might think that is the case, but I’ve just come to a point where being honest surpasses the need to be protected.

I trust you with my feelings. I have to.)

But, I wish this was the place where I had found some clear, rich, inner writing voice full of depth and beauty–one that would spill out onto the page ready to be consumed and enjoyed. But, it’s not. I am not.

Modern Reject found its own voice, one of exhortation and admonishment, instruction and truth-chasing. I never planned for it to go this way. It simply has.

God took me there and I had no choice but to come along.

I regret in some ways that I haven’t made Modern Reject something else–something more personal, or softer, more feminine, or more agreeable. I wonder if I have that kind of voice within me at all and if I do, will I ever have the chance to meet her…

But, I cannot linger in regret. I can only pause for a moment and then acknowledge with a heart full of thankfulness for what God created here. And for you.I will not regret what He didn’t allow somewhere else.

Happy (belated) Blogiversary, Modern Reject. May this year be the best yet.

Have you ever started something thinking you or an idea were one thing, only to have God reveal that you or your idea were something quite different? How do you adjust to God changing your plans?

17 thoughts on “I Didn’t Celebrate”

  1. Congratulations Nicole. That must mean, I’m near there too (I can’t even remember the date). Oh, and by the way, thank you for saying what I have felt strongly. A blogger is not a “writer”. Yes, we do “write”, but we are not publishing books. It sickens me how people who put pixels on screens can all of a sudden consider themselves writers. Have we stripped off the gift of writing to mere words of expression with small regard to grammar, sentence structure and careful and painful editing? Crazy!

    With that said, you have become one of my favorite blogs. I love what God has done with this blog. I rejoice when I realize how much I learn, gripe and celebrate from Modern Reject. You’ve come a long way and I celebrate you today.

    So happy 2nd birthday Modern Reject (raise 20 FL Oz bottle of Dasani in your honor and take a sip (but not before spilling some for my dead homies)). :)

    1. Moe,
      Thank you, Moe. Yes, I think God has helped me think of myself in many other ways…an exhorter, for example, who happens to write. You are a teacher who happens to write and you write to teach.

      Thank you for your kindness and for being one of the original “rejects.” Much love!

      And yes, I still have water in hand…pouring some out for our long lost homies. Word.

  2. “Modern Reject found its own voice, one of exhortation and admonishment, instruction and truth-chasing. I never planned for it to go this way. It simply has.

    God took me there and I had no choice but to come along.”

    I’m laughing as I read this, not because it is funny, but because it is so like our Father to do such things to those who are truly submitted to Him. Notice: Truly submitted and not just paying lip service.

    So many folks ‘do ministry’, saying, “I am doing this for God!”, showing us all their dedication, fealty, and full submission to God our Father, but then when He takes over, (as He should and as we should want Him to), these folks find themselves fighting against Him, because the truth is: they had their own ideas as to what it was supposed to be in the first place according to their vision, and our Father had different ideas, because, well, it’s all about Him and never us. Is this blog a ministry? Sure. Of course. To a certain degree indeed it is. You minister to me by forcing me to think, and like Grayson Pope asks over at Discipulus: http://www.discipulus.us/the-death-knell-of-discipleship/, “Do you follow Jesus with your mind?” Your blog writings make me consider Jesus with my mind. So, thank you, Nicole.

    Listen, you blog. I blog. Many of your readers blog. We all have “our own” reasons, but the truth is that as submitted believers, He takes control of what we have established and makes it His. I really like that about Him.

    I will say this, Nicole: I dig your blog. I like and appreciate that you do not seek to say you are a Christian writer, but instead a legit believer who just so happens to write. Big difference.

    1. Donald,
      You are so right. God takes control of our so-called belongings and make them His own. I’m thankful for that. So much of what I’ve done out of myself has failed. Modern Reject would not exist, if it were not for God’s intervention, as it were.

      Thank you too for the “not so Heavenly minded” comment. I get what you mean and I take it as a huge compliment.

  3. Congratulations, Reject! (I’m sure there’s a post here somewhere that I’ve missed that explains your blog’s title.) Nicole, what I love about your blog is that it is YOU. You ARE a writer because you write regularly (more often then people who can turn pretty phrases, maybe). I would argue as a writing teacher that clear writing, well-stated vision, is sometimes more important than fluttering language. Plot is hard. You’re good at plot. You’re good at cutting through it all and standing for something with a strong, well-spoken, real voice that people admire and, therefore, read often.

  4. Congratulations! I find this post so timely and inspiring! Just starting out, I’m already realizing that I’m not in control of any of this. I find that as I open myself up more, He exerts Himself more and more. I find the entire process deliciously unsettling! It is like one of those “trust falls” only in a kind of eerie slow motion. For me though, surrender has unleashed a freedom I never even conceived was in existence. Even more than that though, I find revelation in my own life in the fact that you didn’t celebrate. I find it hard to celebrate things I don’t understand and sometimes never even wanted. I have been called to do things that I never really wanted to do. I was honored to be called, I was pleased to be successful in serving in Him, but I was never really attached to the calling itself. So when success came I didn’t celebrate it, I praised Him for allowing me to be of service. I personally think it is those type of callings that keep us humble, with our perspective strongly rooted in what it is all really about. So don’t let those negative people in your inbox discourage you. You are a fabulous messenger for our Father from all I’ve seen! Be blessed!

  5. Awesome. Tremendous props. Two years is a long time to carve out the time among life’s other demands to generate something of such a high quality time and again. At the same time it is such a short time to develop such a great community and solid voice. I am very glad to have found Modern Reject. Great conversations with great minds not afraid to think and stretch a little. Thanks Nicole.

  6. Congratulations on two years of blogging. Reading what you’ve written has been an encouragement and brought conviction in my life. Thank you for continuing to write and being faithful to what God asks you to do.

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