The Sin of a Sexless Marriage

Over the last year, I’ve had numerous husbands email me and share with me their heartbreaking, if not tragic, sex life stories. They explain how their wives, who were once willing to engage in sex 2-3 times a week have now become completely closed off, never wanting any type of physical interaction.

They tell me how much they love their wives, how attractive they still find her, how much they long to please her–be it emotionally or physically.

Some of these confessions are so raw, wounds so gaping, that I cry as I read them. Some are so personal and candid that I cannot read on and I pass them along to my husband and ask that he be the one to respond.

But, in all, I’m left feeling the sadness of their stories weigh upon my heart. How is it that two people who once felt the hope and promise of love–including sexual love– now live a sexless, passionless existence?

How do you get from one to the other? From a well-spring to a dried-up well? From a spiritual joining to an almost systematic dividing?

Of course, it is not just men who have written me expressing their pain and loss. Women write too (albeit far less) and share about their husbands lack of a sex drive, his disinterest in them physically, his addiction to pornography, or his excuses about being “too tired.”

This is what I want to say, whether it is popular or not because I’m preoccupied with truth–not popularity: A sexless marriage is a sin. And, it seems, many of us are sinning.

The Sexless Marriage

Now, allow me to insert my (obvious, but seemingly necessary) caveat here. Yes, I know that not all marriages are the same. I know that some people suffer from physical, emotional, medical, and other such conditions that prevent or at least hinder them from enjoying or participating in sex. I know that abuse, trauma, and the like can have longlasting and not easily healed effects on individuals and their sex life.

However, when I reference sexless marriages, I am assuming that (more or less) all things are equal–being that two semi-healthy, loving and in-love people got married and once enjoyed sex together. Until somewhere along the way, sex became less frequent, and less frequent, until finally it was non-existent.

I posed a question on Facebook yesterday asking readers how imporant sex was in marriage? Almost all, said sex is extremely important and they each listed various reasons why they believed this.

And yet, I wondered if their spouses would have answered the same? Or more than that, if their spouses would have answered similarly, but inwardly they had a different or varying views of sex?

The Reality of Sex

Women become uncomfortable when they hear things like men need sex two times a week, not want, but need. I feel the same way. I don’t want to think of sex quantitatively. I don’t want to be made to feel like I am meeting a quota. I want romance, foreplay, passion, spontaneity. But, in the real world of childrearing, deadlines, long hours, business meetings, ministry, and the rest, movie sex is not always an option. Nor should it be.

Our sex lives, within marriage, have to come back down to reality. We have to recognize that there is something to be said for the comfortable and the familiar, without losing a desire for the passionate and the explosive (yeah, I said explosive. THAT kind of sex!)

So, again when I hear of marriages where the marriage bed has literally dried up, I want to weep–not just for what has been lost, but for what could be. God does not desire marriages to be sexless. In fact, His word commands that they be the opposite (1 Corinthians 7:5) Sex should be offered freely and in love, not as a perfunctory act, but as a gift–one that is enjoyed by both spouses and brings glory to God.

Your Own Marriage Bed

If you are in a sexless or close-to-sexless marriage, I want to ask you why? What has taken place that has allowed your marriage to be robbed of the beautiful gift of sex? And are you going to do something about it?

I have personally struggled with past sin and the way that it has affected my marriage bed. Over the years, the Lord has brought various levels of healing–some supernatural and instantaneous–others through great sacrifice and pain. But what I now know and am now confident of, is that our Lord in Heaven desires nothing less for you than a pleasing, fulfilling, exciting, passionate, enjoyable, satisfying, freeing, and pleasurable sex life.

Do you know that? Do you believe that?

Because for so long, I didn’t. For so long, I thought my past sin would determine my future and God told me “No.” My freedom in Christ is available here and now–the same as it is for you. It’s not a promise yet to come, but a gift you can open today.

If you find yourself saying “no” to sex more than “yes,” then I would urge you to discover why. The answer may be painful, dark, buried, and even scary but God wants to bring Light to that place. Witholding sex from our spouse for long periods of time is not Biblical and in my estimation is sinful. It is harmful to us physically, emotionally, and spiritually and cannot and should not continue.

So, if you are not experiencing the sex life you know is possible, please pray that the Lord would show you why. Please seek Him and ask that He bring healing where it is needed and freedom where it is lacking. And know this, I am praying alongside of you. Because sex is a gift to be enjoyed, not to watch quietly die.

Please feel free to be as candid or as reserved as you like…How is your married sex life? Is it satisfying? Do you wish some things could change? How will you go about inviting God into that area so that He can bring new life?


235 thoughts on “The Sin of a Sexless Marriage”

  1. I feel like you’re fair and measured here: you’ve blended well the grace of knowing that, for some people, this issue is beyond their control, while challenging those who have shut-down for an unknown reason to seek out that reason and pray through to its healing.

    Overall, my marriage has been balanced and good in this area, but it has gone through rough patches, and early on those were entirely due to my needing to be healed–of past AND present traumas. Most recently, having entered my mid-30s, giving birth to two children within 18 months, managing a severe thyroid problem, and working full time, I found my body (not my mind or emotions) shutting down. I realized though some homeopathic hormone therapy that, within a month, I could be restored to my dashing self.

    Nicole, I stand with you in urging your readers to seek out a community of believers, of like-minded people, who can usher them towards the throne of God, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to reveal what only He knows, but is so willing to share with His children. There, we can find the wholeness promised to us in the Scriptures; we can be healed spiritually, psychologically, physically. It’s here for the taking, it’s possible, and it’s entirely available to everyone, in much love and complete freedom.

    1. “like-minded people, who can usher them towards the throne of God, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to reveal what only He knows, but is so willing to share with His children. There, we can find the wholeness promised to us in the Scriptures; we can be healed spiritually, psychologically, physically. It’s here for the taking”-

      – not entirely sure what any of this means. Could you rephrase in words that mean something to ordinary people?

      1. Oh Sambo, you and me both buddy. So tired of useless Christianese in these marriage advice articles. No help at all.

    2. Iv been married 2months now and my wife and I don’t have. Sex infact we haven’t even seen eachother naked. A year ago her dad died of a heart attack in front of her and she went into depression we used to kiss a lot and get really turned on for each other but she and I said we will wait till we marry. At our honeymoon she just kissed me and I asked her if she’s ready to go further she said she wasn’t ready yet and I feel abit rejected and that something is wrong I feel that I don’t make her happy I need advice

    3. Iv been married 4 months now her dad died a year ago it was traumatic for her. I don’t know why I am battling with my marriage. My wife suffers from depression too . We never had sex before marriage we kept it holy it was a very awesome thing to have done. On our honeymoon we kissed but my wife told me she’s not ready. I even went and got into reasonable shape for the wonderful event I started gym again lost a few pounds being a former natural bodybuilder my body responded well to the training I started seeing a lot of changes I felt great I was so looking forward to the first nite of passion with my wife. And 4 months into the marriage I don’t understand why every time I try to initiate sex she turns me down, I even rub her back and shoulders to try and relax her but her work is hindering her aswell, she wants a new job. I live on the farm and travel in every second day which she doesn’t mind. Iv started loosing hope of a happy marriage the holy bed of marriage is dry and I’m turned on a lot and just end up masturbating to porn which I really hatr becos I want the real thing. I’m not a rich farmer but I get by I try hard to work to bring money in I’m also worried that she mite have had past sex problems with her x boyfriend. Maybe by confronting her about sex mite end up hurting her so I will be patient and wait till she’s ready I think she is very depressed about work and her dads passing but I’m just concerned it ruins our marriage

      1. Byron,
        Man, you gotta do SOMETHING!
        She’s getting used to being married WITHOUT sex and thinks she can just go on this way indefinitely, no problem! Likely, she has talked herself into being scared of trying sex– scared it will hurt, which it DOES, for most gals.
        But the good news: she can get hymen removal surgery by an ob-gyn under anesthesia (local), wait 2 months to heal, then have the ob-gyn use progressively larger vaginal dilators to gently stretch her vagina without pain.
        The ob–gyn can even recommend a thrusting silicone simulated male organ to let her get used to the feeling of being penetrated without the pressure of you trying to achieve your own sexual gratification while she is experiencing intercourse for the first few times.
        How do I know all this? Because it happened to me! And the technique works.
        Also, don’t forget to use lots of sexual lubricant (lube), in her and on you.
        Do at least a half hour of foreplay: kissing, hugging, caressing above the waist, then below the waist.
        Use lube and gently massage her feminine “spot,” between the pubic mound and the vagina (the lower and larger of the two holes). Find the place, pressure, and speed that feels best to her and keep doing it steadily. Women can take anywhere from under five minutes up to fifteen minutes or more to reach climax (orgasm). As she approaches climax, her breathing rate may speed up, her skin become slightly sweaty, and her back may arch. Keep up your stimulation of her spot. If she needs more pressure and/or faster speed, ask her to tell you at any point if she needs this.
        As she starts to orgasm, she may groan, growl, or make some other sound. Don’t laugh or say anything, because women get distracted from sexual buildup easily. She may stiffen her legs or push with her feet. KEEP UP THE MASSAGING OF HER FEMININE SPOT and DON’T STOP UNTIL SHE HAS COMPLETELY FINISHED CLIMAXING. SHE MAY EXPERIENCE MULTIPLE ORGASMS– MANY WOMEN DO!
        She will be feeling much the same sensations you do when you climax and eject your semen: the pleasant ache as the pelvic muscles slowly tense up and ready themselves to “explode” into orgasm, then, the rhythmic contractions of the pelvic and vaginal muscles (every .8 second) accompanied by that burst of intensely exquisite pleasurable sensations in the pelvic muscles as they contract. The contractions usually continue for 6-10 “squeezes” in a woman. Keeping up the stimulation constantly through all of this is essential. You can stop very briefly for 1-2 seconds or so when the prior set of orgasmic contractions stops. Then, START MASSAGING HER SPOT AGAIN. In a few seconds, she will probably have ANOTHER orgasm. Keep up the massaging. Repeat process till she’s had enough. She’ll LOVE IT!
        >> Now, IF your hand/fingers massaging doesn’t do the trick, you and she can buy an electric, wand-style, vibrating back massager at a well-stocked drug store or online drug store for about $20 (Conair) to $45 (Wahl) to $60 (Hitachi Magic Wand). If you’re more adventurous, you can also try out an online tex toy retailer. Read customer reviews of all the many products available and always use only water-based lubes on silicone-covered sex toys.
        Many couples like to switch between foreplay by hand and foreplay using a massager/vibrator.
        Your wife will also find it very helpful to help herself develop the necessary neurological (nerve) connections within her brain which are so helpful to achieving orgasm. She can do this by performing regular massage to orgasm on herself, by hand/fingers (use lube), by vibrator, or both.
        For most women, orgasming is a learned skill, unlike for guys. Patience and practice matters!

      2. Byron,
        Man, you gotta do SOMETHING!
        She’s getting used to being married WITHOUT sex and thinks she can just go on this way indefinitely, no problem! Likely, she has talked herself into being scared of trying sex– scared it will hurt, which it DOES, for most gals.
        But the good news: she can get hymen removal surgery by an ob-gyn under anesthesia (local), wait 2 months to heal, then have the ob-gyn use progressively larger vaginal dilators to gently stretch her vagina without pain.
        The ob–gyn can even recommend a thrusting silicone simulated male organ to let her get used to the feeling of being penetrated without the pressure of you trying to achieve your own sexual gratification while she is experiencing intercourse for the first few times.
        How do I know all this? Because it happened to me! And the technique works.
        Also, don’t forget to use lots of sexual lubricant (lube), in her and on you.
        Do at least a half hour of foreplay: kissing, hugging, caressing above the waist, then below the waist.
        Use lube and gently massage her feminine “spot,” between the pubic mound and the vagina (the lower and larger of the two holes). Find the place, pressure, and speed that feels best to her and keep doing it steadily. Women can take anywhere from under five minutes up to fifteen minutes or more to reach climax (orgasm). As she approaches climax, her breathing rate may speed up, her skin become slightly sweaty, and her back may arch. Keep up your stimulation of her spot. If she needs more pressure and/or faster speed, ask her to tell you at any point if she needs this.
        As she starts to orgasm, she may groan, growl, or make some other sound. Don’t laugh or say anything, because women get distracted from sexual buildup easily. She may stiffen her legs or push with her feet. KEEP UP THE MASSAGING OF HER FEMININE SPOT and DON’T STOP UNTIL SHE HAS COMPLETELY FINISHED CLIMAXING. SHE MAY EXPERIENCE MULTIPLE ORGASMS– MANY WOMEN DO!
        She will be feeling much the same sensations you do when you climax and eject your semen: the pleasant ache as the pelvic muscles slowly tense up and ready themselves to “explode” into orgasm, then, the rhythmic contractions of the pelvic and vaginal muscles (every .8 second) accompanied by that burst of intensely exquisite pleasurable sensations in the pelvic muscles as they contract. The contractions usually continue for 6-10 “squeezes” in a woman. Keeping up the stimulation constantly through all of this is essential. You can stop very briefly for 1-2 seconds or so when the prior set of orgasmic contractions stops. Then, START MASSAGING HER SPOT AGAIN. In a few seconds, she will probably have ANOTHER orgasm. Keep up the massaging. Repeat process till she’s had enough. She’ll LOVE IT!
        >> Now, IF your hand/fingers massaging doesn’t do the trick, you and she can buy an electric, wand-style, vibrating back massager at a well-stocked drug store or online drug store for about $20 (Conair) to $45 (Wahl) to $60 (Hitachi Magic Wand). If you’re more adventurous, you can also try out an online tex toy retailer. Read customer reviews of all the many products available and always use only water-based lubes on silicone-covered sex toys.
        Many couples like to switch between foreplay by hand and foreplay using a massager/vibrator.
        Your wife will also find it very helpful to help herself develop the necessary neurological (nerve) connections within her brain which are so helpful to achieving orgasm. She can do this by performing regular massage to orgasm on herself, by hand/fingers (use lube), by vibrator, or both.
        For most women, orgasming is a learned skill, unlike for guys. Patience and practice matters!
        All the best.

      3. Byron,
        Man, you gotta do SOMETHING!
        She’s getting used to being married WITHOUT sex and thinks she can just go on this way indefinitely, no problem! Likely, she has talked herself into being scared of trying sex– scared it will hurt, which it DOES, for most gals.
        But the good news: she can get hymen removal surgery by an ob-gyn under anesthesia (local), wait 2 months to heal, then have the ob-gyn use progressively larger vaginal dilators to gently stretch her vagina without pain.
        The ob–gyn can even recommend a thrusting silicone simulated male organ to let her get used to the feeling of being penetrated without the pressure of you trying to achieve your own sexual gratification while she is experiencing intercourse for the first few times.
        How do I know all this? Because it happened to me! And the technique works.
        Also, don’t forget to use lots of sexual lubricant (lube), in her and on you.
        Do at least a half hour of foreplay: kissing, hugging, caressing above the waist, then below the waist.
        Use lube and gently massage her feminine “spot,” between the pubic mound and the vagina (the lower and larger of the two holes). Find the place, pressure, and speed that feels best to her and keep doing it steadily. Women can take anywhere from under five minutes up to fifteen minutes or more to reach climax (orgasm). As she approaches climax, her breathing rate may speed up, her skin become slightly sweaty, and her back may arch. Keep up your stimulation of her spot. If she needs more pressure and/or faster speed, ask her to tell you at any point if she needs this.
        As she starts to orgasm, she may groan, growl, or make some other sound. Don’t laugh or say anything, because women get distracted from sexual buildup easily. She may stiffen her legs or push with her feet. KEEP UP THE MASSAGING OF HER FEMININE SPOT and DON’T STOP UNTIL SHE HAS COMPLETELY FINISHED CLIMAXING. SHE MAY EXPERIENCE MULTIPLE ORGASMS– MANY WOMEN DO!
        She will be feeling much the same sensations you do when you climax and eject your semen: the pleasant ache as the pelvic muscles slowly tense up and ready themselves to “explode” into orgasm, then, the rhythmic contractions of the pelvic and vaginal muscles (every .8 second) accompanied by that burst of intensely exquisite pleasurable sensations in the pelvic muscles as they contract. The contractions usually continue for 6-10 “squeezes” in a woman. Keeping up the stimulation constantly through all of this is essential. You can stop very briefly for 1-2 seconds or so when the prior set of orgasmic contractions stops. Then, START MASSAGING HER SPOT AGAIN. In a few seconds, she will probably have ANOTHER orgasm. Keep up the massaging. Repeat process till she’s had enough. She’ll LOVE IT!
        >> Now, IF your hand/fingers massaging doesn’t do the trick, you and she can buy an electric, wand-style, vibrating back massager at a well-stocked drug store or online drug store for about $20 (Conair) to $45 (Wahl) to $60 (Hitachi Magic Wand). If you’re more adventurous, you can also try out an online tex toy retailer. Read customer reviews of all the many products available and always use only water-based lubes on silicone-covered sex toys.
        Many couples like to switch between foreplay by hand and foreplay using a massager/vibrator.
        Your wife will also find it very helpful to help herself develop the necessary neurological (nerve) connections within her brain which are so helpful to achieving orgasm. She can do this by performing regular massage to orgasm on herself, by hand/fingers (use lube), by vibrator, or both.
        For most women, orgasming is a learned skill, unlike for guys. Patience and practice does matter!

      4. She will not change, believe me I have been there, get out . After 35 years I know she will NOT change. GET OUT

      5. Get out! Take it from someone 20 years in. You don’t have kids yet and your young. OMG I Dream of going back in time and changing my path to another.

      6. Get out! Take it from someone 20 years in. You don’t have kids yet and your young. OMG I Dream of going back in time and changing my path to another.

    4. I have been married to my husband 24 years this August. I love him & stuck by him through all types of chaotic health issues. Two years into our marriage Bipolar showed its ugly face, the medications didn’t work, so he began drinking. His drinking & combined with long bouts of Bipolar depression limited he sexual desires. Being sexually intimate once a month was consider by me lucky. Often he would leave me hanging three to even six months. I compensated by placing all my attentions to caring for my 2 son’s & working. In 2004, a day or so after Hurricane Charlie, he waited for me to be out & climbed onto the roof to nailed down the tar paper. (He waited because I told asked him not to & warned him that it was dangerous) He not only ignored my warning, but also had a few drinks. He fell off the roof, broke his back and inured his neck. Even after this he attempted to be sexually intimate at least 3 times up until 2006. We have been in a sexless marriage for 12 years now. Over the years he has requested that I find a man to simply care for my physical needs. In addition to loving him, I was accustomed to going for long periods without & with the onset of menopause at a early, refused to do so. Over the years his physical and mental health has deteriorated & over the past year has been spiraling downward fast. We no longer sleep n the same bed & soon we will have no other choice except to consider a Rehad facilty. He is now begging me to find someone to care for my needs. I feel helpless, lost, angry, lonely, and confused. Confuse because I want to say “Alright, I will” , however I am concerned because with or without my husband’s blessings on the subject, I do not want to sin against God. So, my dilemma is in the direction of my choices, which will affect my future life here & in eternity. (please excuse an typos)

      1. I actually think some these Christian bloggers live in an alternate universe. They have no idea of the problems some people face and their caveats are so inadequate.

    5. I have the exact situation as you described, but I’m in my 40s, has 2 children within 12 months, 3 surgeries (one in my thyroid), thinning vaginal skin, and vaginismas. Mine did not get better with bio identical hormones. I’ve tried everything. We are starting counseling at church. My husband says he’sok with it but I feel guilty.

  2. Great article! I have been on many levels of this, I was very abused different times as a young girl, I shut it so far down and NEVER let it come up or dare speak it, until finally after a divorce finding someone that did extensive healing prayer with me. It wasn’t that I didn’t have sex with my then husband, I did a lot , whenever he wanted to. I always was left feeling used, disgusting, ashamed. But thank God for healing! ,I am now 30 , mom of 3 , married to a wonderful man. I realize his needs and how important they are. I mean I get it that some women find it repulsive, I know some women that claim if they aren’t getting emotional,needs met they aren’t getting in the sheets. Healing and understanding from God are essential!! They are made with a need for sex no way to change it lol. But I did have a hysterectomy recently due to cervical cancer, it has been harder and with crazy hormones it can be very difficult, but I am blessed with an understanding husband and I realize his needsand do what I can at the time…. Thanks for this! Hope my partial testimony can help another hurting women find healing in this area!! God can do it, I am proof:)

    1. Sadly why couldn’t you respond to Your ex husband rather than divorce ?
      Your ex suffered to but you threw him out like trash being like most woman do always going with a new man rather than fix original relationships !

  3. Thank you for going there, Nicole. I think it is very wise that you pass along the more candid emails you get from men to your husband, boundaries are important even when we’re dealing with strangers and email. I’m sure you’ll get a fair share of disagreement with this post, so before the whirlwind begins I want to throw in my two cents.

    As a mother of three little ones (ages 2, 3, and 4) my marriage has seen several dry spells. There’s something about being pregnant for three straight years that will do that to you! After my daughter was born (my baby) I got very sick and was diagnosed with Lupus, another enemy of your sex drive. So there was this period of adjustment where I felt so physically awful and emotionally drained that sex seemed more a chore than an act of love. I have the most understanding husband in the world, which made it that much easier for me to neglect his needs. And then one day I’m reading through 1 Corinthians and it hits me, that I am living in sexual sin. Of course it’s not the sexual sin that we hear preached against, and no one was standing outside of my house holding up a sign that said, “God hates prude wives”, but it was just as bad as any other. In fact I think it was worse, because I was creating a struggle for my husband that he was suffering silently, afraid that by voicing it he would be pressuring me. So I determined to make sex a priority, whether I “felt like it” or not, and God has blessed it by giving me the desire that was lacking. I know we’ll hit other rough patches (although no more babies!) and through those my only hope is that I can maintain perspective, and keep priorities in check. Sex is important, more than we women may ever realize, and we have to be willing to love our husbands the way they need to be loved, and to meet the needs that God designed them to have, just as we hope they’ll do for us.

    So, as always, great post Nicole. You always say the things that need to be said, and I that’s what keeps people coming back. Well done.

  4. Nicole, you are a breath of fresh air. I thank God that I stumbled upon your site, after looking in frustration on the web for anyone who was single and hated it (it was your article on 15 things you should never say to your single friends).

    Anyways, I so appreciate your point of view, for saying that sexuality is an important part of marriage, that it should be amazing and mind-blowing and intimate. I wish I had your advice when I got married; in fact, even before I made the decision to marry. It would have saved me YEARS of heartache.

  5. Well said, Nicole!! In women’s ministry I deal with this often. You handled this in a balanced and fair way. I pray those who are struggling with their sex lives will heed your exhortation and begin praying about this!! As women, we don’t understand our husbands’ needs. But men are created by God, so these needs are part of His design. I got all sorts of wrong sexual messages growing up from every direction. Culture tells us one lie, and often we gather from church that sex is bad, although that is far from a biblical idea. I have worked through many stages of marital sex. The young child years were the worst for intimacy, when fatigue was my worst enemy. What I discovered is many women do not give themselves permission to enjoy sex like their husbands do, which causes their husbands to not enjoy sex but use it for self preservation. Sex is about intimacy, oneness, tenderness, and mutual exchange of true love. When we as wives give ourselves permission to explore our sexuality with freedom in Christ, our marriages go to a whole new level. Every part of marriage explodes with joy and oneness, because the unity sex brings carries over to every minute of the day. I am so grateful you had the courage to write this, and I stand with you in this fight to improve marriages by exposing the lies and bringing truth.

    1. I had to stay at my father in laws the last six months before my husband discharged and returned from 3 and a half years of submarine duty in the navy. I was approached by many people his father said were friends of his, about the way my husband was coming home to his UAW position at a big three transmission plant, He had left before a layoff on a military leave. He was returning with an Honorable discharge. with one problem, his seniority while he was in the navy continued to accrue. He was coming home with more seniority than 60 percent of the workforce. under the contract his seniority enabled him to have the shift he wanted, to take jobs, vacation slots, make lesser seniority work holiday and weekends he did not want to work.
      Everybody was scared to death that he was going to make them go on the job he was intended to go back to, it was widely reguarded as the worst in the plant since it was three machines located between several heat treats where the temperature rarely fell below 125 degrees and the humidity levels were so high that they toped the indicators at 150 percent.
      It started out as a two year get everyone used to him being home and it morphed into needing to pay attention to social, family, and political positions over 24 years. 16 years after he came home in November 2001 there was a very important reason that his father and others wanted him to stay were he was at, The middle son of his fathers best friend a county commissioner was wanting to take a job bid with 15 years less seniority than my husband to help his fathers congressional bid. My husband had not had a leave, R and R, vacation or day off since our marriage 20 years before except for getting a tumor removed off his brain stem earlier in 2001.
      Everybody considered if he could walk he could work and he was allowed six days off out of the 60 his doctor wanted for recovery. But something happened in that surgery, his mind cleared. He was defiant, to the needs others had. He wanted his way for once he wanted the job and shift he wanted, the vacation time and holidays I had blackmailed him out of with the promise that whenever things shook out we could start a real marriage in peace and he could have the vacations holidays and sex he was wanting since his return home. in 1985, he would not take what we wanted for him in vacation to stay out of other peoples way, from January the second to February the 14th. and if he backed off this job I felt sure that no complaints could be cried on my shoulder about him taking a weekend or holiday that someone with less seniority would say they absolutly had to have so I would be the one with hat in hand telling my husband he couldn’t take that time and promising when things became calmer we could start our family, It almost got a divorce two yeas after his return over a vacation trip to Rome. A young girl with nine years less time wanted to have the time to get married the trip was in June and my husband secured a hand on bible wearing by me that any time, any way and any place he wanted after I came back he even had me sign and notarize what I had sworn too, to stop him taking that three week time frame It was on my return I was to tell him to wait seven more months> He had bumped everybody else back three weeks over it, And was not even going to wait until I could get a little rest from the overnight flight, His brother steped between his father and him at the bus station where he handed me a dissolution of marriage filing before putting me on the bus back to my mothers with a letter telling her that he was returning me a little older but in the same condition received not his wife. also with the place to take the state assigned gaurdianship for her to sign.
      The next 13 years court orders making my husband work all hours offered, I came home after 2 years with the divorce declared moot by a judicial friend of his fathers. The same judge over rode the union contract concerning my husband making him work until the brain surgery all hours offered. Then after that surgery he got mean with the judge as well as the court order. He held his hands out before he took the new job and he had an ACLU legal eagal next to him with a federal order to leave my husband alone. Then he destroyed four men on our front porch when they were going to make him remove his bid I never had seen my husband go into his full combat mode until that morning when four men went into critical care.
      I kept up my sex denial another 11 years. three of them were when he had another. Surgery to repair the Damage MRSA did to his sine in 2009. It was when he came home from a stress center for his anger over the way he had been treated prior to the MRSA, the loss of feeling in his legs.
      The night he came home from the center I was just getting ready to go to an invitation only event with his father, mother, and his fathers best friend as the fourth. He came in and said he was going to but I pointed out that his name was not on the list. The next 20 minutes I found everything ripped off me. Him screaming about he did not care if he went to jail for forcing sex, he would see to it I was left destitute.
      I was left begging and offering him 100 to meet us in four hours any where he chose so we could lay out some time frame to get him what he had earned. I was crying and begging him in his mood he could hurt me. He took me on the floor It was painful and then he threw me the phone and said the number is 911, go ahead and file your charges lets get everything in open court.
      He then went and had a fight with his fathers best friend about entering his house without a warrant or badge, he went flying over the porch rail face fiorst into the driveway as his father arrived with his mother, the drop is eight feet from the porch level. There has not been any backing of from confrontation since that night, including twice his father getting hurt for trying to interfere with him. the first time his father slapped him for bad manners, my husband returned with a full fist backhand and when his father got the club that my husband was not reserved to go to. the doorman started pushjhing my husbande away. the doorman went to the hospital not my husband. then the last vacation his father was furious my husband invitred himself again and was going to send him home with a balkl bat beating his father hit flat on his back after an uppercut broke his neck still gripping the bat. I don’t dare after trying to reduce tensions over Christmas last year to ask anything of my husband without his inclusion. I will not have my friends any longer after I tried to tell him to take his dinner and eat in the pole barn out of the wind.
      I ended up with the plate back in my face and then hyes telling my guests to leave under the barrel of his thirty thirty because they threw him out of his own house. I am no longer cetin that he would not just dump me off a hifgh cliff someplace if I tried to ask anything of backing down from something,
      There is only one thing hes good with. The product of his forcing me three years ago. our 2 year old son. Hes promised that my Bi polar condition would get him sole custody, I found hes right. So hes found the key to controlling me now.
      I know that what I should have done the morning he came home in 1985 was run out of the room and hauled him off to some motel or hotel. But I thought I was building a peace. My thought has turned into an all out war.

  6. My marriage was nearly devoid of sex from early on. She would get angry about it, but when faced with the opportunity to present ways to make it better, she wouldn’t follow through. It turned out to be two things as I look at it in retrospect. One, she used sex as power. Having a healthy sex life does not allow her to wield that power. I think a lot of women do this. Many unwittingly.

    The other concern, which also became a problem in my marriage would be whether or not she is cheating. If she gives herself, even emotionally to another man it tends to break the bond, and if she isn’t willing to work hard at repairing the bond, then even if she never strays again, the marriage bond is left broken.

    Women must understand that this is key to a successful marriage. Too often the church culture treats it as a treat of marriage, but its not. If you want that critical bond that builds lasting marriages, a healthy sex life is a major building block.

    1. Yes, sex can become about power, I agree, HeligKo. That’s what was the problem in my marriage. It became a “push-me, pull-me” type of situation, and we were never able to move beyond that. And I also agree about the emotional cheating; sometimes, it is irrelevant if it culminates in an actual physical affair. By that time, a dangerous precedence has already been set.

      Perhaps I’m revealing way too much about myself in responding to this post. But, I hope that perhaps that people can learn from my mistakes. It is too late for me, but not too late for you, if you are still married.

    2. “Too often the church culture treats it (sex) as a treat of marriage, but its not. If you want that critical bond that builds lasting marriages, a healthy sex life is a major building block.”

      Marriage is covenant. Sex is part of marriage, thus it is covenantal. Sex outside of covenant is merely prostitution and sexual abuse.

      1. Hi,
        I’m also a husband in a sexless marriage! I’m 29 and my wife is 32, we started dating when I was just 20 and we had our first child 21! We were mad for each other and couldn’t keep our hands off each other! Our sex life started becoming very scarce after our first child and being young I didn’t understand why! I built resentment towards her because of it, but over the coming years we grew and we would go thru spurts where every couple months we would have a week or two where we would have lots of sex but only to be followed by a couple months without! But no I’m lucky to get it once every 6 to 8 weeks and when I do it sucks , and seems to be a chore for her! To say the least its far from satisfying!
        We are close and have no problem with communication, I’ve come to learn that a women’s needs, desires and definition of intimacy is very different then men’s! She wishes she had a sex drive, and claims she doesn’t know why she don’t! She went to see a doctor thinking it could be a hormone imbalance , but results showed it wasn’t this! I know she loves me and I love her more than words can tell!
        I’ve been patient and became more closer with her emotionally but it didn’t improve anything ! It’s no longer about the physical sex , but more about rejection, and the fact that I just wish my wife desired me the same as I do her! I want her to want me:( I told her this and she understood and for a two weeks after she really tried and had sex with me several times within that week! But that died out and we are back to the same situation!
        After so long of this it played on my mind, and became very desperate and vulnerable, I just wanted to be desired! I started talking to other women via Facebook and dating sites! Not to find someone but just to feel like someone still could possibly like me and want me!! I never ever had sex with another women; however one time I did meet with one and we started touching and she kissed me, but it freaked me out and I stopped it before it went further! I know this was wrong of me, but I felt so desperate! I never ever told my wife about this in fear of her leaving and taking the kids with her! I don’t want to loose my family or my wife! She is my everything, she is so sweet and genuine, beautiful to me in every way! But I feel so guilty at times and try to justify it by how she made me feel so rejected and vulnerable! What should I do? I don’t want to break her heart and I hate my self for what I have done!

        1. John communicate to her that you are emotionally hurt and feel rejected and sad because of her…tell her your faithful to her…tell her that she is sinning by pushing you away.

          1. Never EVER cry for something you’re begging for. That will turn them off even more. Never EVER ask for sex as a reward (for chores, for vacations, for fancy dinners), that will put pressure on them, which will make them not want sex even more. Learn to be more manly. Read books by Mike Cernovich or read blogs from Alpha Game. Being a “nice” guy pushes them away.

          2. Hey John, Gods Holy Word allows for men to have more than 1 wife for many reasons. If you research the scriptures, you will SEE the answer. You are NOT hopeless. You are just suffering because you were raised in a sinful western society and an uninformed luke warm church that rejects the truth of Gods Word where men could have multiple wives if they chose to. You simply need to take an additional wife.

        2. John, Gods Holy Word allows for men to have more than 1 wife for many reasons. If you research the scriptures, you will SEE the answer. You are NOT hopeless. You are just suffering because you were raised in a sinful western society and an uninformed luke warm church that rejects the truth of Gods Word where men could have multiple wives if they chose to. You simply need to take an additional wife.

        3. … John, Gods Holy Word allows for men to have more than 1 wife for many reasons. If you research the scriptures, you will SEE the answer. You are NOT hopeless. You are just suffering because you were raised in a sinful western society and an uninformed luke warm church that rejects the truth of Gods Word where men could have multiple wives if they chose to. You simply need to take an additional wife…

        4. Oh, I’m so sorry! I wonder what happened to you? Are still in the same place years later? Listen, I have read a lot of comments on this article and most of these folks have no idea what they’re talking about. Your situation is not that unusual especially after having a child or children. You need to express yourself fully to your wife in a non-condemning way. She’s not rejecting you but for some reason has no sex drive. This can be caused by many deficiencies from vitamin d to Iron. She needs to see another doctor one more on the natural medicine who will run more test and look more thoroughly at her thyroid levels. You need a good Biblical counselor right away! And you MUST tell her the truth. There is always hope.

    3. As I said above what I should have done with his father and everyone else was tell them my husband came first, Now its to late to make a real peace. all everyone does around my husband now is hope they don’t do something that he considers interference in his rights. The last time ended with a threat of my husbands horse dragging his father down the road by his neck and another man being told go ahead be stupid and he would not have any brains left if he cleared his .40 auto. That was on a day of Christ’s birth.
      It just seemed the more me and others tried to get him to understand he was sort of in a bad place that could enable others to solve problems if he would just work as told I did not mean to make it from June 1st 1985, To October 24th 2009 when he ended up getting a spinal fusion, with the cord crushed and partially severed.
      We did not mean to loose track of the time that passed so badly. I sort of feel if he had not been so defiant and just cooperated without argument or having to be forced to do as was wanted, that things wou7ld have gone his way years ago. Now everyone is walking on eggshells whenever he is around. and he remembers every slight of the last 33 years.

  7. I’ve heard this statement over and over again, and I totally agree with the idea that a sexless marriage is sinful.

    However, I think there is a lot of emphasis placed on the one who refuses sex, and not enough is said about the person who feels shunned. I understand what it is like to continually be turned down. I am the odd wife who wants/needs sex more than my husband.

    I have also spent nearly 1/2 (yes half) of our 12 years of marriage without sex. This is due to special circumstances (military life). So for roughly 5 years I have gone without sex with my partner because he was training or deployed. I know this was not a rejection of me as a woman since he had no immediate choice in the matter, but I learned to be patient.

    When we are together, he wants sex about 1 out of every 3 times I do.

    I guess what I’m trying to get at is that God has taught me a valuable lesson over the years. Yes, we have physical bodies with physical needs and in an ideal relationship each partner would be willing to meet the needs of their spouse. But no relationship is ideal, even between Christians.

    I think more emphasis needs to be placed on the partner that is struggling with not getting sex on a regular basis. They need to be counseled and prayed with. Our partners cannot meet our every need, not even sexually. I think there should be healthy, frequent sex in a relationship. But if there is not, if one partner is shut down physically and emotionally, it should not all be placed on that partner alone. The other spouse that feels sex is “owed” them might need a lesson in waiting, in patience, in not pressuring, in going to Christ for their needs.

    I don’t buy the argument that if you don’t get sex you turn to another person or porn either. The Spirit within us is stronger than that. We may have temptation, but never anything beyond what we can bear. What about single Christians who wait to marry? Suddenly once a person is married and gets it once a week they become an animal that can’t control their urges?

    I’m not trying to sound mean or snarky. I do agree with your sentiments. I just think there is always more to the story than just – have sex. During a 15 month deployment, I really wanted that to be the simple solution. But it was an amazing journey that God brought me through to realize that marriage is so much more than sex – and to enjoy when I got it.

    1. Aadel,
      Thank you so much for being so open and honest here. I value your willingness to do so. I agree with you, as well. I hope this post did not seem to cater to or play the sympathy card for only those who don’t feel like having sex. My hope was to write a post that is balanced and paints a sexless marriage as a tragedy for both spouses.

      In no way do I think only those saying “no” should get all the attention. As I evidenced by the way I began this post–talking about the spouses who desire sex, but remain unfulfilled. I even tried to make sure I addressed the (rarer) case of women who want more sex than their husbands, such as yourself.

      And no where do I suggest that it’s okay for spouses to lose patience and turn to adultery or pornography. Of course not! You are right, the Holy Spirit is bigger than that and living in us. He can empower us. However, I think many couples–or individual spouses suffer silently and goes months and even years without sexual intimacy. This requires more than many of us can endure and I think the Lord grives when marriage beds dry up.

      This is a delicate, intricate, and personal issue for every couple and I do not assume to have addressed every nuance of the topic here.

      All that to say, I agree with you and there is only so much I can write about a HUGE subject in an 800 word blog post. However, I think your addition to the conversation is invaluable and needed. Thank you again for sharing.

      1. Ha – I knew that you would not say that it was okay to lose patience and turn to other sexual outlets. I have actually heard that jab (said in a round about way) from a few marriage ministry sources. It was put out that if you don’t please your man’s physical desires he WILL find it elsewhere. I understand the sentiment, but don’t agree with the premise. :-)

        And I respect you for covering a topic like this so gracefully.

      2. When we are dating we look for someone we love someone to spend the rest of our life with. We have to be friends with the one we marry it won’t work if you are not friends. When we are dating we work hard and worry about pleasing and making happy our date the one we decide we want to marry. We get married vowing to one another things are good for awhile than one of the couple decides to withhold sex for whatever reason. No explanation given an important part if their martial union is in trouble. Feelings go from being mad to resentment to anger to hate. No matter how close you were how much you were in love you are in big trouble.
        What happens from here is clear some of use will suffer in quietly others will start looking elsewhere. We all will either be having affairs, becoming gay, or watching porn and masturbating thinking of someone else. Either way we feel like crap our life is going down the toilet. We will wonder on loanly nights while our spouce maybe sitting nearby watching TV we wonder why we was not with someone else who wants to have joyful lovemaking sessions together someone who wants to make me happy and someone I want to make happy in bed until the age of 100.
        I have had 35 years to think about this all I am annoying to myself for the first time home I feel.

      3. I don’t think it is a tragedy for both people one is hurting bad wondering why their best friend their lover won’t have sex with then the other person is getting what they want not to have sex no matter how much they hurt the other. How can one person ruin another’s life and not care

        1. I’m replying to Aadel. My husband is military as well and we waited to have sex til marriage. After the wedding night everything went downhill. I had to beg for it. Then came the erection problem. I researched bout supplements even a pump but he refused them all. Finally got him to go to an endocrinologist and found out his testosterone is low. So I’m like cool maybe I’ll get sex now. He used the patches for a while then stopped. The pills, nothing. Things are so bad now he doesn’t kiss me or touch me in anyway. There are other problems in my marriage and this is icing on the cake. I love him but I don’t think he’s really attracted to me but doesn’t want to tell me.

    2. Yes, Aadel!
      As much as I agree that a sexless marriage is not what God created marriage to be, I think what you add here is critical!
      We will never have all our needs met by our spouse. As we give that back to God, He can blossom our love and bond us, based on His strength.

      1. Why not if you talk to one another. I kept my mouth shut to prevent arguments I was wrong. If I was honest with myself .I should have walked away after our son was 18. I feel like I wasted my life, the memories of lack of sexual forfillment and the loanly nights outweigh the good times

    3. Before my wife and I were married we enjoyed a good sex life. The day of our wedding my other wife the US Navy had other ideas and I received emergency orders to sea after just about a whole division in my rate was busted for pot. I was supposed to be at sea for a maximum of 101 days then home for leave and R and R, It just never seemed to happen. When I pulled in I was either cross decking to go right back out or on my way to a school across the country that my wife was not allowed to accompany me to. I did this for three and a half years, I was allowed to talk for a short while during a thanksgiving refit.
      After I got out my wife had been living with my parents for six months awaiting my discharge, She had been diagnosed as bi polar and sent to live with them,
      I was on a military leave of absence from a major Auto manufacturer. While she was in my fathers home all she heard about from my father and his friends was how I was coming home and going to ruin every ones life by taking shifts, jobs. vacations, refusing or taking the holidays and overtime that I did or did not want to work. So she was asked to control me, The only two things any one could think of that I would respond to was force. and or sex. It was figured with the amount of combat arts training I had received in the army before I went to work and the navy after my wife made the promise if I could compromise the rights I earned for a time then our marital relations could resume. Within two weeks the state had forced me to assume a gaurdanship.
      Well I was never able to live up to the wants of my father, his friends or their relatives that worked with me I tried to please everyone for the first 16 years I was back, but in 2001 I found out just how tenuous life was, They had to drill a hole to the center of my brain to clear a tumor, It was causing adult onset hydrocephalus or brain swelling. The doctor told me he did not know why I survived to get to the OR. After that surgery I determined I was going to do things my way. I took a job and had to defend my right physacly, My wife said it was the most savage thing she had ever witnessed. After that the sex was still refused, She said you have to be able to back down but I was not about to any more, The next Christmas a guy I worked with went to my father and wife wringing his hands telling them how he was supposed to have his kids over the holidays and I was going to make him work because he had 8 years less than me. I was I had not had a holiday at home since 1978 and it was 2002, The tactics changed at that time, My father forced me into work with a shotgun in my spine. I retired five years later and started work at a different company. I had become resigned to my situation. I fell out of the aft bulk carrier of an MD 10 one morning, Turned my back black and blue. Four months later I was in the emergency room begging to die. MRSA had eaten up the discs in my spine and some bone causing my spinal cord to be crushed. After that for the next three years I was in and out of rehab and hospitals due to the problems MRSA caused. Then I was home one day when my wife cut out the door and spent the day and that night with an old Boy friend. I destroyed the jerk, Two weeks later I demanded marital relations, She was going to a political function with a friend of my fathers. I did not allow it, I started marital relations again after a 25 year no sex policy with me, I could never get around that guardian ship and divorce. The last year I have been in and out of stress centers for PTSD. I am not proud of having to force my own wife to resume our married life. My father has been trying to tell me what to do and what I had to allow my wife to have in the way of privacy. Twice now its lead to confrontation. Once with my father backhanded across my kitchen and me taking a reservation for another man who was to accompany my wife, and another time when my father decided he and two friends were going to hold me off with pistols and take my wife for a private breakfast, That one I recorded, I was going to the police with it when I passed where they were having breakfast at. I took my problem public. I busted the two men over the head with my heavy oak cane that held the weapons on me, right in front of their wives, my mother my wife and my father. They really could not believe I bought my beef into a public place, my wife said she just went with them to keep me from being hurt, my father said we left you unharmed that was the end of it. My mother was asking if I had killed the two men, and she said why are you so angry you were not at home, I said BS ask my father were I really was. I took my wife’s hand and said you either come now or you don’t come home. I had to show the police why I had done what I did, They said I had cause, My mother has been saying since Saturday your father has been having chest pains. I have made it clear to my wife as of now the only opinion that mattered about privacy and sex is mine. If she does not like my terms the street is there, she can place her feet and go. I know this stuff has made me very angry, but when people use your life with your wife as a bargaining chip, there comes a day when a man can’t permit it any longer.
      In 31 years I had 6 days off all around when they removed the tumor. Is there any other way I could have handled things. My wife is terrified but wont go against me. We have to go to family counciling for PTSD in me. My father says the only thing anyone will accept is my agreement not to come to the next holiday on labor day at my house. He told my councilor he is not welcome. My answer is I am the first last and only authority in my home. If he wants it he can buy it cash up front, My wife is not part of the deal. So take it and stick it.
      Am I being unreasonable? Is there any reason I had to put up with this?

    4. I was raised Catholic and have been all my life. I don’t know about other religions but as a Catholic the Catholic guilt was a killer. You did not ask about sex my wife’s mother told her this is wrong and that is wrong a good Catholic don’t do things like that. I remembering as a kid hearing my dad begging my mother for sex. I know now why my life is so filled with loanlyness

    5. The sad fact is if you don’t take care of your partners needs he or she will eventually look for it somewhere else. The people here writing their concerns about sex are few. The majority of people will find someone at work, church , food shopping wherever that will forfullled their mutual needs. It happens every day at no tell motel, the back seat of a car anywhere. Most likely you will never know

    6. aadel I don’t know you I don’t know if you ever had sex witheld from you. . I promise you if your partner witheld sex from you for 10,20 or30 years you would not make those statements. You would run into the arm of the first man who came along that showed interest in you and be tearing their clothes off. You would not be debating if it was a sin only how good it feels to be interment with someone

    7. I am a husband. After more than two years in a marriage that was sexless from the first day, things may just be changing. Can not be sure yet.

      You are a wife and a female. It may be easier for you to turn your urges down for a period of time. Not so for me. I think that is true for many husbands. In the last three weeks, for the first time in our marriage, I have demanded sex using 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 as a Biblical ground for my demand. In this period when I was forced to go more than four days without sex, because of her rejection, I have felt a strong temptation to turn to pornography. I do not have the gift of celibacy. I can not go a long period of time, without satisfaction from my wife. I wish I could. This whole thing with her has been a struggle. More like a war.

      You may wonder what I did during the first two years of my marriage. I would sin with porn for a season then get disgusted and repent. Then will myself to stay away from porn for a season until I returned to it. The whole idea of looking at porn disgusted me, but I did it anyway. And I was married!

      Now my hope and intense prayer is that my wife will submit to God and His Word and satisfy me when I need to be satisfied. I think that I will not look at porn if I can be satisfied and not have to go days and days needing sex. Please say a prayer for me in my marriage.

      1. Honestly, I was in the same position as you. I even reached a point where I said enough was enough with the blatant refusal and even disrespect. Then I got what I thought was a sweet release where she divorced me. When I receive the notification, the initial feeling I had was relief that I was finally going to be rid of this woman.

        The sad reality is that when you are divorced once, there is always a question by the next as to whether you or the other was at fault, but the other figures things happened and time to move on. I’m on my second divorce, so the common denominator is me. When I actually started to examine the entire situation, I discovered that I was actually causing conflict with both marriages.

        The conflict with the first started because I was more involved with my hobby of video games and neglected her sexual needs. She was flirty before we were married, but after enough time of neglect, she played around. After the divorce, she ended up in a serial chain of marriage and divorce and is on husband #5. If I had been a better husband, we may have still been married. However, had I known my own value, understood what marriage is supposed to be and wasn’t so desperate to be in a relationship, I probably wouldn’t have chosen her to begin with.

        The conflict with the second involved me putting more attention towards my son and me trying to be more amorous with wife #2. In the start of the marriage, it was the honeymoon phase, but that didn’t last long. I felt she wasn’t meeting my need for sex. That later progressed into her being disrespectful, so I would isolate myself from her. Instead of being humble, I escalated the situation.

        Looking back, what was really the root of my failure was my perception about the purpose of sex in a marriage, and it dawned on me when I asked myself the question, “If I could never have sex with my wife, would I still love her?” Love is not the same as affection. From a Bible perspective, love is about providing for another in spite of and regardless of how you feel. After digging deeper, I realized by the leading of the Holy Spirit and by the grace of the Creator that sex is only a tool and a means to an end with that end being multiplying. If you make orgasm the end goal, sex becomes no different than a drug and the orgasm becomes the high you seek. Eventually, that high becomes commonplace and you have to do more extreme things to reach that same state of euphoria. Instead of just genital sex, one dabbles into oral sex. When that becomes normal, then toys get introduced. The more extreme one gets, the more perverse one can become. There is a trend where men are allowing their women to penetrate them with a device. That is just a variation of homosexuality since a man was never designed to be penetrated.

        In short, consider why you got married in the first place. You may realize that your wife believes that you are simply using her as a means to an end where her body is the means and your orgasm is the end. In other words, when was the last time you simply cuddled, brought her flowers to brighten her day, took a walk with her in the park or the mall, call her at a random time to tell her how blessed you are to have her in your life, etc. Sex for a woman begins with her mind, and once she yields mentally, she will be involved emotionally and the experience for her will be fulfilling. Without her entire existence being involved, she will feel used and unfulfilled.

      2. I pray for you, and feel your pain! I also am not desired by my wife, although I know she loves me and I know she would never cheat! I use porn way to often and I don’t like myself for it ! But I’m only 29 and to young for a sexless marriage! However I love my wife with all my heart, shes the one I want to spend my life with! I don’t know what she expects and it’s very unfair:( I’m sure u feel the same , and although porn is a sin you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself! At least you didn’t go and cheat on her

        1. John ~ Sad to say, you’re never “too young” for a sexless marriage. I’ve had a sexless marriage for over 20 years now and it was sexless from the very beginning when we were in our 20s. Our honeymoon was sexless. So while I know you think you’re “too young” for this, it happens to people of all ages.

    8. I’m replying to Aadel. My husband is military as well and we waited to have sex til marriage. After the wedding night everything went downhill. I had to beg for it. Then came the erection problem. I researched bout supplements even a pump but he refused them all. Finally got him to go to an endocrinologist and found out his testosterone is low. So I’m like cool maybe I’ll get sex now. He used the patches for a while then stopped. The pills, nothing. Things are so bad now he doesn’t kiss me or touch me in anyway. There are other problems in my marriage and this is icing on the cake. I love him but I don’t think he’s really attracted to me but doesn’t want to tell me.

  8. Nicole, thank you for your post! So timely….especially in my marriage. I’m not as brave as some of other readers (smile), but please know that you have started an interest and some prayer questions to God about this area. I want my marriage to thrive, and definitely don’t want to be in sin….This is good.

  9. Two things have saved sex in our marriage with the exhaustion of pregnancies/nursing/babies/having two crazy toddlers running around:
    1. The Quickie. Seriously, I can almost always give my hubby 20 minutes. So I can play the Quickie card when necessary and my hubby is totally okay with that.
    2. Our motto of “Even bad sex is better than no sex”. Takes the pressure off when I’m just not feeling it.
    Thanks for sharing today. This is good stuff!

    1. Liz,

      I must say that #1 made me laugh out loud, and that is no small feat. As a husband and SAHD with two daughters under the age of 4, and an amazing wife who works long hours, I highly endorse The Quickie. But 20 minutes is way too long, yikes! 2 minutes works just as well. Well….so I’ve heard, I mean. LOL! ;)

    2. I’m not sure you’re relating to what the rest of us are talking about. “Quickies” and mottoes are not a fix for most of what people are going through here on a deep heart and soul level.

  10. As a single, I appreciate this post and for the first time felt like ‘chiming in’. This is something I’ve wondered and I’m SO thankful you tackled this topic.

    As a virgin and hearing all these horrible stories of how there is lack of sex in marriage, it makes me want to stick to the “DIY’ method, ha (I kid). Seriously, this is heart breaking. I mean, it’s sex. Shouldn’t married couples be enjoying it?! More than once in a ‘blue moon’?

    If I’ve waited 29+ years for sex, why should I have to go without when I make the commitment to marry? Why should ANYONE?! Something is backwards here.

    Any married couple can make up a ton of excuses as to *why* they’re not doing the dirty, but I think there’s a deeper issue/problem that most don’t want to address. It would involve complete, unfiltered, vulnerability.

    Maybe the fear of vulnerability is why sex goes downhill during marriage. Maybe they weren’t vulnerable to begin with.

    Also, I had to search for your post “Have Sex … Even When You Don’t Feel Like It” should be re-posted and read by everyone who frequents your blog. It may have caused a few feathers to ruffle, but it’s sound advice.

    1. Julie, you’re so right!! Beth Moore teaches that the enemy knows how powerful sex is, so he will do everything he can to get couples into bed before marriage, and all he can to keep them out of bed after marriage. It is because both can destroy people.

  11. I think there are some spot on books to help people understand more about the importance of lovemaking in marriage. 1)Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a great book. While she’s not a Christian, she “gets” most men. Sex is how men feel loved and accepted by their wives. 2) As my pastor says about Genesis, Adam was alseep, God made Eve, and introduces her to Adam and Eve is in the nude and Adam is like, “Wow!” My pastor says that God married Adam and Eve in the nude. 3) Books by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus about sex are extremely helpful (they are Christian authors); and 4) streaming programs, articles, etc. on Family Life Today (a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ out of Little Rock), are always an invaluable resource.

  12. I think you are so right that a sexless marriage grieves the heart of God.
    I would say it is not the “need” of the man. It is the need of the couple.

    My husband and I have never had a dry spell, apart from a few months as newly weds, because I was having a serious bleeding issue during my first pregnancy. That was HARD. For both of us. I was the one crying about it all the time. But I know he doesn’t cry as easily as me. Maybe he wanted to. Ha!

    During our 8+ years of marriage, I have only had a few months of not being pregnant or not breastfeeding, or both. I have not struggled with sex during this period, even though many seem to accept those years as “low” years. I can’t say exactly why that is.
    But, I wonder if it is the way we view sex wrongly, more than issues of fatigue, that get the average woman to drop the ball. The pressure to be the cultures picture of sexy is intimidating during our best years. But, when our body is birthing babies and stretching out and sagging… Yikes! I would say, tell your husband your fears. Maybe he’ll help you see your amazing mom body through different eyes.
    Also, I think Julie hit the nail on the head with the vulnerability issue. Huge, huge, huge. And what HeligKo said, from the other side. Power is the opposite of what the union is supposed to be about.
    Vulnerability is CRUCIAL. Otherwise, we hide. And manipulate. And try to control…

    Have you seen the movie Hope Springs? I recommend! (I was all teary eyed in the very first scene. It was heartbreaking. But, it ends well!)

  13. I’ve been in a sexless marriage for over 20 years. I had trouble getting aroused by my wife from the beginning. But then again I found I would lose sexual desire for all the women I dated before I got married too. I simply needed the excitement of being with a new partner in order to get aroused enough to perform. My wife agreed to marry me if I promised to seek Sex Therapy after the wedding which I did. I went to a number of therapists over the next 3 years but none could help. They said that due to severe childhood abuse as soon as a relationship I was in started to get emotionally close anxiety would shut me down sexually. It was hard for my wife to accept at first but she finally did and our marriage is great except for the sex. I think this proves that sexless marriages can survive and thrive.

  14. I find it interesting how men are seen by many as “shallow” because of the “all they want is sex” or “that’s all they ever think about” philosophy. But isn’t it just as “‘shallow” for one spouse to shut off the other. To view sex as unnecessary or optional is to have a low view of God and His word (see 1 Cor.7) If one views sex as optional, they simply do not believe God or His word. A sexless marriage because of selfishness is a revealer of how much we love our spouse, but how much we love God.
    I fear that many wives are foolishly tearing down their own marriage with their own refusals.

    The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
    Proverbs 14:1

    1. Correction:
      A sexless marriage because of selfishness is a revealer of NOT how much we love our spouse, but how much we love God.

  15. I married my wife 9 months ago. we had sex twice or 3 time at first. For the first fweeks i couldent keep her off me. 3rd 4th and 5th month it was only me askingk and she was comeing up with more and more excuses why she didnt feel like it. Now we have had sex once in the last 3 months. Ive voiced my needs, but she refuses me. I know it is not an issue of getting our fair share of pleasure. I know its not an issue of physical ability or health. How long must i endure? How is this marriage if she withholds love and intimacy? When was this ever considered ok?.

  16. I read all of the time about the women being the ones who lose interest in sex. For me it’s the total opposite. I have been married for 11 years and at first all was okay but it has steadily gone down hill. He will walk up and touch me .. grab at me…and tell me I’m beautiful and yet there is NO cuddling NO sex NO passion in our marriage at all. He tells me that it’s because of his medication, I don’t believe that. I know that he has no problem pleasing himself. I have tried to understand, I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he tells me he will cuddle with me and take care of me but that never never happens. I am not sure what to do other than to just pretend we are only roommates. I feel dead at times.

    1. I think not cuddling , a kiss, a feeling some sort of affection shown is more missed by me than the sexualact. The sexual act is great but the lack of affection makes life so loanly and sad. I could not walk away from a 46 year marriage my vows are taken very serious. I can understand those who can’t take it any more and want to fix someone who will give them the affection they need so bad. I wonder if the problems don’t start by couples not knowing how to please one another. When I was a teenager no one gave me the sex talk and it was not the subject you asked others about except to friends who did not know much more than myself. I am 65 and it is too late in life for me to hope anything to change. For you younger people sit down and decide if it is worth being in a sexless loanly marriage than growing older starting to hate your life , wonder what life is worth and at 65 end up turning to porn to keep yourself from going crazy.

  17. I live in a sexless marrage I am a beleiver I go to a full gospel church my husbands a beleiver toi he has epwlepsy rage and sleeps 17 out of 24 hrs a day I am 53 he is 40 I am told vy men im still attractive but I never flirt and havw not cheated in our whole 14 yrs of marrage he is an excilent father to our one biological son and we raised 7 others together we have only had sex a few times in 13 yrs hence my 11 yr old son my son does wonder why his dad is rageful never has been abusive physically I wud not put up with that and I have learned as long as I let him sleepas much as he wants and just cook clean and do most the work then the rage is almost nonexsiststant but I live a very very lonly exsistance I do evrrythinv alone pray alone go shopping alone everything I am very much a sexual woman but I dont beleive in self masterbation its just me not a hang upnothing I

  18. “How is your married sex life?”
    Dead. <12/year.

    "Is it satisfying?"
    No. It is sad, depressing.

    "Do you wish some things could change?"
    Of course

    "How will you go about inviting God into that area so that He can bring new life?"
    I have prayer for years. I have been teeting on the edge of what I can handle for a few months. I have prayed, prayed, prayed, discussed with my wife (cant help, go find someone else), help around the house, buy presents, buy flowers, everything you could ever wish, and this never translates into sex.
    I am at my wits end; God is my only hope, yet I feel as if my prayers are hitting the roof with no change in my stubborn wife.
    After my latest romantic efforts I feel completely unappreciated and feel like leaving to find someone who is going to appreciate me and meet my sexual needs. I won't of course; but my wife needs a good kick in the behind or wake up call to really that guys NEED sex. I have tried for a long time to think of a wake up call i can pull off but I'm too nice to do anything. I'm hoping God is going to provide this and soon because if He doesn't, I don't think I'll be staying around much longer.
    Oh the "change myself" thing, yes, been there, been through that.

  19. I live in a sexless marriage. Those six words are the hardest thing for a woman to admit. The vast range of emotions that come to the surface when I say that include rage, anger, hurt, bitterness, unwanted, unloved, sadness, hopelessness, ugly…the list goes on.
    What hurts more than anything is the rejection you feel. At first, it stung a little bit when he would tell me no. The more I’d ask, the more he’d say no and the more I’d feel rejected. I couldn’t even begin to understand what was happening. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Was he sleeping with someone else? So many questions flooded my mind. The rejection was so strong that it turned to anger and bitterness. Today, the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl.

    One the surface, it looks like we have a great marriage. It’s all a lie. I often wonder if everyone can see through it. I try not to talk about it because it hurts too much.

    I’ve read countless books and blogs online about sexless marriage. So often I see people say that it’s not abusive and that they are okay in their marriage. It almost comical to me. It’s like people have become so complacent that they don’t see the problems. It’s like the battered wife syndrome…if you ignore it and put enough make up on it, it’ll be okay. It’s never okay to be rejected by the person who took a vow to love, honor & cherish you. Reading your blog, where you so clearly say “our Lord in Heaven desires nothing less for you than a pleasing, fulfilling, exciting, passionate, enjoyable, satisfying, freeing, and pleasurable sex life” brings tears to my eyes.

    It’d be interesting to find out how many Christians, who’ve lived in a sexless marriage, end up getting divorced. Growing up in the church, you are taught that divorce is wrong and that Christians just don’t get divorced unless someone commits adultery. That they go to God, pray about it and work through it. We’ve also been taught that abuse is wrong. So where do we draw the line? I truly believe that living in a truly sexless marriage is emotionally abusive. What this does to a person causes such inner turmoil that damage is almost as bad, if not worse, than having a spouse commit adultery.

    So as a follow up question to your blog, how do you, as a Christian, know when it’s time to walk away? Is it better to stay in a sexless marriage because divorce is so wrong or is it better to move on and rebuild yourself emotionally? Can a marriage be salvaged after so many years of emotional abuse?

    1. Ally, have you come to any conclusions on this. I am struggling with the same questions. I just don’t want to do it any more. I didn’t marry a roommate and if I wanted one I wouldn’t pick my husband I’d pick another woman who would participate in the home and family with. Me

    2. Ally

      I’m not sure how long it’s been since you left this message, but your story is my exact story. I’m struggling and need advice also.

    3. About the time you wrote this 4 months before my husband went into total war with me and everyone else in his and my life. From 1985 to 2009 I had nothing in the way of an easy choice about gaining my husbands cooperation in the community and with his coworkers, It seemed everything he wanted with his seniority was going to crush somebodies dreams since he came back from the Navy with more seniority than 60 percent of the 7500 person work force. This gave him rights to shift preference, job preference, he could work or take off holidays and weekends as he saw fit and take Vacation slots as he saw fit, This meant that if he was difficult he was always going to be stomping on somebodies wants and dreams. HE was difficult within the first three days we had to beg him to drop his father who had wanted him to hit the bricks and find a house before he even thought about seeing me the second day he was home. I was not to make an appearance before the next week to greet him home But the shouting was if he did not see me that morning he was going to tear bulkheads out to find me THen his father just suddenly gurgled something and his mother rushed in to find me dressed and said I had to get to the living room to keep my husband from murdering his father, the first sight I had of my husband in six month was this very powerful man pinning his father to the ceiling of his living room. Ever5yone could see the last four years had taken its toll. He was tired, Seasick from not having a moving deck under him. And everyone could see his temper was not good after no leave or R and R the last 3 and a half year5s, he had been underwater for 956 days of the last three years. he looked like we could almost see through him.

      1. I agreed to go house hunting with him that morning before he again went back to second shift. To be honest his show of temper scared the living daylights out of me. He was talking about taking the first weekend he was home off making lesser seniority work instead. Since his seniority had accrued to what it had he was making plans first to get off of second shift the next Monday. second he was going to start having some time off. and third he was very angry his father had argued him into going in and reinstating his first day home. And I knew there were people that wanted me to keep him from what he wanted and was able to take. So we chose a house about 2 miles from his job. And I went home with the feeling that I was about to enter a meat grinder. We got up the next day and paid first and last month as well as the damage deposit. Picked the keys up and arranged for the things that had been moved from South Carolina as well as bought a new bedroom suite. That evening He was going into work again and this time he wanted rest before going in for another 12 hour shift, His father was home when we arrived with two women there. One was a very pretty 19 year old blond. the other was an older version of the 19 year old. The 19 year olds was explaining that my husband was evil for putting his shift preference in destroying her social life. I ended up making this statement to my husband before he left that afternoon. I told my husband that the first two years he was back I would have to not allow sex to make sure he did not use his seniority just for his purpose, he had to let people get used to his return. I think if everyone had not been standing there he would have stomped me into the floor. he made his fathers house shake slamming first out to his fathers garage and grabbing his old army kit. Slamming everything around he came back in and told me not to come over to the house we chose the next day He said if I wanted to be a mercenary b**** then he would send me back to my mother. He nearly flattened his mother coming back to see if she could head trouble off. He did not sleep in the bedroom the next 27 years. It was always my fault he was kept sexless because I would extend my time to gain his cooperation until he bacame so violent one night in taking his job rights He put four of his fathers and my friends into critical care over a job bid I had promised to show him the greatest sex, stand with him on the next vacation trip to Ireland we were taking in 2003. even stand with him over the upcoming holiday season. If he just backed of a job one more time he could have everything he wanted, He turned on me and told me since he was trapped by the state in the marriage and told me to step out in front of a semi. I have not known this kind of resentment could lead to some one wanting me dead. or the want to get his rights returned could cause him to nearly kill people. I always felt good things come to he who waits.

      2. The thing was he came home with the idea his rights were just like any one else’s his brother had done something against orders when he had a leave the year before and bought my husband a copy of the new UAW national and local contract. He knew he was coming home with 9 years accrued seniority more than 60 percent of the work force. He had his rights under the contract down cold to memory. and he was going to use them for what he wanted no matter who’s life it disrupted.
        The first sixteen years were spent with me promising sex if he backed off his rights jus one more time don’t push his vacation, stay on seconds or he really did not need a weekend or holiday off. I never could figure a way to let our life start and not get him taking other rights he had Then he no longer cared if our life started. He had a brain surgery in 2001, A tumor taken off his brain stem to releave adult onset hydrocephalus. When he came home his defiance to everything everyone wanted had doubled.

        1. He decided he was taking a position by bid in a new plant. A much younger man with greater social needs also wanted the position. He had eight years to my husbands now 23 years. My husband did not care the younger mans father was a county commissioner and his fathers best friend as well as a friend of mine He really did not care I was offering the sex he wanted and the days and holidays he wanted if he just stayed on second shift where he was at.
          Basically I offered the cessation of 16 years interference in his rights, he felt I was just trying to pull the wool over his eyes again. The next morning the younger man and three others were going to put him in his place and force his removal from the bid. My combat trained husband in two services put them in critical care when the cold not get him to go back and remove his name in peace.
          Since 2001 he has taken every right he felt was due him including forcing me in 2013. He was not nice about it either, he threatened to shove me out the door nude in -40 below wind chills if I did not submit. He has inserted himself into every aspect and tradition of the last 3 decades, stomping the parts he would no longer accept into dust. last years trie yearly vacation was destroyed when he broke his fathers neck refusing to cancel his vacation and just letting me go he upper cut him so bad when his father decided he would use a ball bat to send him home, it snapped his fathers head straight back. I just sit in corners and cry now knowing it would do nobody any good if I left. He will continue to press his rights over needs. No matter who is hurt.

    4. Ally I know your pain all too well, sadly. I will be married for 11 years next month and currently getting a divorce. I am a Christian and I know that divorce is wrong, but I couldn’t stay in a relationship that was sexless, no affection and loveless. He works on a oil rig out in various places and countries so he would be away for 3-4 weeks at a time. He would come home and a week or two later we would have sex and then done till the next time he would come home. At the beginning we had a good sex life, and then just deminished over time. I would try to talk to him about it and he would blow it off or tell me he didn’t know why. I tried talking to him 6-7 years out of our 11 year marriage. No result. The last three years I just gave up altogether and didn’t even want it anymore, because of the hurt, rejection, depression, and feeling like I was good enough. Not to mention I didnt want him to have sex with me and have him feel like it was a chore or something but I wanted him to have sex with me because he really wanted to. I was also just tired of begging and I don’t think that two people married and in love , one of them have to beg for it. I didn’t sign up for a roommate or a business partner or just a friend, I signed up for all of it. I want to be able to find someone that wants the same things, and I think God can understand that. God wants us to be happy. He gave us a life so we can be happy. I don’t think he would want us to stay in something that we can’t control and be miserable for the rest of our lives. By no means am I saying get a divorce, but for me it’s my answer. There is a lot more to this story but too much to post. I hope this helps.

  20. Another way to end up in a sexless marriage is this: after years of communicating to my wife that I needed her to initiate love making on occasion, which was followed up with one or two efforts before resuming old patterns, I simply stopped initiating it myself, as sort of an experiment.

    Sure enough, we have not made love since I began this (over a year now). And when I did initiate it, she would often react by saying “ok, get it over with”, as is I was using her, which of course caused me to lose interest.

    Ironically she seems to enjoy it when we do, but I need someone invested, not just a receiver worth poor manners.

    But I do love her and cannot imagine her surviving very well without someone to be there for her, so do I seek sex elsewhere?

  21. I’m a man in a sexless marriage and I honestly don’t know how long it’s been since we were intimate. I hear God loudly command I stay away from porn and masturbation and do so though at work I’m surrounded by beautiful women who’d be open to an adventure. Several years ago I came with everything on the table if she would just be willing to work on this area in our marriage. I did extreme dieting. I sweated, exercised, and even fasted down to what I weighed when we first met. I dressed so nice I could’ve been on the cover of GQ. Any, all and everything was up for change and was on the negoiation table if she would have worked on our sex life and she refused to even consider it. Finally a few months ago for the first time probably in eight years I guess, when the kids were away at camp one weekend, she agreed. The session lasted some ten minutes and she gave up and walked out of the bedroom. We didn’t even make it intercourse. I am frustrated more than ever and am still willing to change in any way but she refuses to try. Some days I am so depressed I cannot function. Feel free to give any advice or encouragement. In the Lord.

    1. Is there a place for open marriage in such a situation, I mean clearly she doesn’t want that part of the relationship. Polygamy was common in scripture and I sometimes wonder if we really understand the heart of God on this issue. Your life sounds as painful as mine

    2. Curtis, I think you’re suffering from being taken for granted. She risks nothing by continuing like this. It is clear she cares little for your feelings (or at least she chooses not to think about your feelings) and so she sees no reason to change. As she does not want to change for your benefit, it seems she only cares about herself. While you do all these things you’ve been doing, and she does nothing in response, you have discovered her contempt for you. Ultimately, the problem is that she trusts you so much to stick by her through thick and thin, that she doesn’t care how thin it is for you – she has it exactly the way she wants it. You’re hers. Forever. Unconditionally. Inescapeably. And totally celibate. That is NOT Christian love.
      Therefore if you want to raise the stakes, you have to be less accommodating, less “nice” and less reliable. She has to see that it means something to you, because while you put up with the situation, she thinks you’re OK with it. In the end she has to realise that the marriage is at stake. You probably have a choice: put up with a sexless marriage, or be prepared to walk out. This is in your hands. You cannot change her. You can only take action to change your circumstances by showing her that this is unacceptable.
      Then, if you’re successful, if she ever starts to realise that something has to change, you have to get professional help (she probably won’t agree to this until she’s realised that change is necessary). You’ll need to be looking for the causes of the situation: problems don’t go away by themselves, so you need to discover the root cause.
      However, if you’re not successful (i.e. you say that you’ll leave unless she works on the situation), and she still refuses to do anything, then, my friend, you’ll have discovered how far her love for you really goes. Your final choice will be to accept celibacy or leave.
      I’m 75% down that journey myself. This is not easy. But I’m starting to believe it can be done.

      1. If I walk out, she really might file for divorce. I’m a bi-vocational minister. The shame and stigma in the Christian community would be more than I could bear. I’d be out of the ministry and brought to total humiliation; probably everything I worked for would be gone up in smoke. And while it’s sad to say, I know very well that Christian communities/churches are not very forgiving about divorce. About two weeks ago we did have a big argument about sex and I almost did walk out. The next day I felt the Lord tell me to stay. At times my loneliness and pain is more than I can handle and just walk around my neighborhood or my workplace in despair and I can’t function from depression. And I struggle with the temptations to porn and masturbation. In a Christian marriage these shouldn’t even be issues according to I Cor 7.

    3. I would personally leave her, and make it clear in a calm manner why
      id rather be celibate without someone using me as nothing more that a helper for her life and a paycheck. I would get the kids also. Hire a shark divorce attorney. Its important to never poison the well to your children. I suspect that her true motivations whatever they are will come out.

    4. Curtis,
      Be aware of two important facts: 1) You can masturbate WITHOUT viewing porn or thinking lustful thoughts about women other than your wife. Focus on the sensations, and make sure you’ll have privacy for long enough to do it. (If you need more stimulation than massage, try a vibrator.) And 2) The Bible never specifically forbids masturbation, especially if practiced the way I described. On the other hand, the scriptures are very specific about what does constitute sexual sin– adultry, premarital sex, homosexuality, pedophilia, and bestiality. Again, no reference to masturbation.
      For well documented health reasons, men need to release semen on a regular basis to avoid prostatitis (inflamed, infected prostate) and a substantially increased risk of aggressive prostate cancer. This is no joke. You owe your body the care it needs to be healthy, not to mention your peace of mind! Your wife probably will never change, even with counseling, desire-increasing hormones, etc.
      Be sensible and try the above.

  22. If you look at the animal kingdom you notice that the girls are generally a lot less keen than the males. The females evolutionary biological imperatives are also different from the males. Why would you expect any different from human females ? Once the human female has secured her nest she no longer has any need to “put out” and so, in many cases she doesn’t.
    There is no point beating yourself up about “sexual sin” and what it says in a book composed from the folk myths of some middle eastern shepherds . As the rhyme sung by “God” which goes :
    “There once was a group of shepherds with nothing much to do,
    So they invent me, and i invented you.”

  23. I actually credit porn for keeping me in my marriage and under the same roof as my kids. My married sex life died 15 years ago and despite visits to a number of therapists the problem couldn’t be fixed. Rather than getting a divorce or cheating on my wife by having an affair or paying for sex I masturbate while looking at porn. It isn’t perfect but it is worth being able to live with my kids and be part of a family. Other than the sex my wife and I get along just fine so porn has been an effective and simple solution.

    I have come across many stories like mine online over the years. Men in sexless marriages who use porn as their only sexual outlet rather than seeking sex outside the home. I think porn has perhaps kept as many marriages together, if not more, than it has split them apart.

    1. Big mistake. Watching porn will kill any sex between you and your wife. God see’s all things. When a husband starts to look at other women, God will take your wife away from you. Sexless marriages are ALWAYS the fault of the husband. Your wife will always obey and follow you if you obey and follow God. Watching other women, will automatically force your wife to stay away from you. It’s a built in mechanism God put their. Test it out and see it work.

      1. Really? Chapter and verse buddy, where’s that written then? Jusayin already said it was a sexless marriage, and that’s a sin (1 cor 7). Your turn with evidence. How can turning to porn rather than drugs, prostitutes, affairs and divorce be worse? I actually agree with jusayin; it’s not IDEAL but then living with a wilful sinner who shakes their fist at God and their spouse year in year out, day in, day out..not ideal either. Your argument is illogical; how can a killed sex life, then a subsequent turn to porn, kill a killed sex life?!?

      2. How can porn kill a marriage kill your sex life when your not having sex anyway.
        I think when you enter into married life the act of affection and sexual love is part of married life. If a woman or man don’t want to please their spouse showing them the love they deserve they should not have gotten married in the first place
        Is a sexless marriage a sin who knows back in the days Jesus was on earth I don’t think too many women said no to their husbands. I fear if in those days if a woman would have said no a man would have did it anyway. We are better than that now days ,how can you really ask to find these types of answers in the bible. In those days the man was boss and women listened to the man. Look what they did if a woman cheated on husband nothing happen to the man the woman got stoned to death. The bible will give us some answers but on sexual issues I dont think you will find too much useful answers.

  24. I have been struggling with this issue for several years. I am 46 years old, in my second marriage to a man who has no interest in me sexually. We have huge issues outside of the bedroom and fight a lot. I had even worse struggles inmy first marriage but the sex was great and always helped to anchor us even in the bad times. If drugs and jail didn’t end that marriage then I’d probably still be in it. Now I’m in this marriage and I’m so lonely. There is no way to reconnect after conflict so the chasm between us just grows and grows. I am seriously considering leaving the marriage. We have been in marriage counselling for 3 years. He doesn’t engage it and is rarely able to come now. We have talked extensively about the sex issue. (approx 7 encounters a year) it doesnt make any difference. He is making little or no effort. I lng to be held and touched. I sometimes go three or four days without even a simple touch let alone a kiss. My counsellor asked me the other day if I am coming to counselling to find a way to leave or to find a way to stay. I’m baffled and scared of starting over again. My birth children are grown but we adopted a little boy three years ago and he is only five, I want to do what is right but I also don’t want to live the rest of my life in this misery that is called marriage.

    I cling to Jer. 29:11 but I feel hopeless


    Lost but not forgotten

  25. I can’t believe I searched this subject on the internet. I am not sure what to do its been 4 months now and before then it was 6 months since our last encounter I think before then its is about every 5-6 months. I feel alone, neglected, so tired I am supposed to be at church to night I have just been closed in all day. It is him he is over 45 and has tried Viagra and Levitra and it was okay for a while then he read the side effects and quit taking the meds (he has Low T) and its been a rough road for the last year. I have prayed and prayed I can’t tell anyone because who is there to tell really I don’t want to embaress him. Who do you go to in the church? He was going to try to go to a specialist but I have been out of work since August 2013 and the money is not there he told me he would go in January 2014 so I hung on I am devastated most nights I just turn over and cry to myself I try to block it out all together but I am losing. So I guess I just go on existing

    1. I am glad for the internet if not for the internet I would know haved learned many others had these prob!ems. I really though something must be wrong with me that my wife did not want to make love. In our early years I sex life was great but after my wife gave birth things went down hill. In our 46 years of marriage I would say 95% of our fights was about sex. I never cheated I can look back and be proud of that. We had one son and he deserved two parents so I decided to live sexless for 35 years.

  26. It is sad to read all these responses. But there is also a level of weird comfort knowing it isn’t just my marriage. I’ve been married for 21 years. I’ve been a very good boy all these years but I feel I get more and more jaded, bitter, resentful, angry, and confused as the years go on.

    Before we were married, it was daily. And it appeared as though we both enjoyed it. As soon as she said “i do” it translated into “i don’t”.

    Fast forward 20 years and something has changed. If you are the denier, it *will* introduce toxicity to the relationship. Last year we played a total of four times. I know part of it is me, I typically last much longer than she wants and she is “short” on the inside for me. We’ve gone to the doctor and through an exhaustive testing process the conclusion was to only go in about 60% of the way. Although this was never brought up before the marriage. Of the four times last year…..I faked being finished three of them. I feel my love for her draining away. I’ve tried talking about it and she doesn’t want to.
    We regularly attend a Baptist church and I get a certain amount of strength from that.
    What I don’t understand is how suddenly things have changed for me. I woke up recently as she was getting out of bed and I looked away….. She is no longer beautiful, attractive, sexy, desirable, pretty. I actually looked away instead of seeing he naked body. I’d rather look at the ceiling than see what I’m missing. Maybe it’s a copping mechanism. Another change is that I started counting the years, months, days, and even hours until the kids are 18. I can honestly say now that if we didn’t have kids, there is absolutely no way on God’s earth I would stay with her. The third big change is communication. I don’t feel the interest in discussing *anything* that isn’t directly needed to be discussed.
    This isn’t what marriage is supposed to be. We were out recently with another couple at a local brewery. The discussion at some point went to sex. And I confided in the guy that our’s was a sexless marriage. It was the first time I had told anyone face to face instead of anonymous like on here. My wife flipped out later. Like it was some big secret that we are not supposed to tell anyone.

    If you are the denier, this is where you will end up. You will be introducing toxicity into the relationship. I am so angry and bitter now that I just don’t know what to do. I want it to work, I’ve tried to get us into counseling. She will go every once in a while but as soon as this comes up, she’s done.

    I just feel like the fuel tank light on the dash has just come on and there is only 50 miles left. I don’t know what happens then. I wish I knew what to do to make this work.

    1. I’m in the same boat, but I’m the wife, not the husband. Married 21 years. We had a sexless honeymoon — he wasn’t able to — and didn’t consummate our marriage for 7 years. Yep. You read that right. Later, we found out we were infertile and we are childless as a result. A few years ago, my husband was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes which affects sexual function. So I guess you could safely say we’ve had a lot of trauma in the sexual/reproductive realm. I can’t get my honeymoon back and I live with the Christian stigma — and, yes, it’s stigmatized — of being childless. (Oh, and I was a virgin when we married — and, well, a virgin for 7 years after that.) If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t have saved sex for marriage. I’m considered “beautiful” by the world’s standards, I suppose, or at least I hear that a lot, so it’s not like opportunities didn’t present themselves — or still don’t. I work hard to stay in shape and be attractive to my husband. He says I’m beautiful but does nothing about it. I understand there are some physical issues, but he’s got some Cialis sitting on the counter that he’s never even used. I’m now in the habit of marking on a private calendar the dates we have “sex.” The last time was December 28, 2013. I initiated because I always do, but I’ve made a private pact not to initiate anymore. He’s a decent man and I am fond of him, but, no, there’s no passion and no sex. Sometimes I think about going outside the marriage just to feel desired and attractive, but ….. I don’t. Men still look at me, just not my husband. I’m sorry for all those here in a sexless marriage. I get that it’s a “sin” but it’s easy to throw around the “sin” label when one hasn’t gone through years and years and years of a complicated, traumatic issue. Not only are the sexually rejected among us depressed and grieving; now we’re sinning too. I would simply ask the author to really read the cries of people’s hearts here. Many have prayed for years. Many have endured for years. Many are still waiting for God to come into this “sin” and set them free. We don’t need guilt piled on the depression, rejection, and grief.

      1. Tuesday, I sympathize with the pain you are feeling. I am a man in a mostly sexless marriage and my marriage has been very painful for me. My wife and married in our midlife years. We were unable to have children due to severe endometriosis which required surgery. After that surgery, my wife became numb in her genital area and no longer was open to my advances. When I tried to be intimate, she would cross her arms across her breast as if to protect herself. She never did that prior to the surgery that I remember. That caused problems psychologically for me. No Christian man wants to feel like you are “raping” your wife, and so I stopped making advances. She would help me masturbate to be relieved of sexual tension, but the few times we would try intromission, my erection would relax and I couldn’t continue to have intercourse. If you have not had sexual problems, or you are a Christian counselor and have not lived that hell that is a sexless marriage, I would advise you to be very careful about your words and commands of scripture. When the enemy has robbed your wife of most of her female parts that caused numbness and she no longer physically and then psychologically desires you, yet you want so much to honor God sexually in your marriage it feels like a darkness that cannot be understood unless you’ve gone through it. If you are a Christian counselor or a friend of someone having issues and you have had a normal, healthy sexual relationship with your husband, please be sensitive in how you use scripture when you don’t have any personal experience with what they are going through. Consider yourself very fortunate that God has blessed you with a normal, healthy sex life.

        1. Skyflyer – you are SO right. Insensitive bludgeoning with scripture rarely achieves any positive benefit. In my personal experience I find it only increases a sense of failure, guilt, and shame. Someone who has walked the same journey is the only person who really knows what scriptures are appropriate, and quite possibly knows when not to use even them. Sometimes words just don’t help.

      2. I think sex before marriage is not bad. How can you know if your sexual desires are the same if you didn’t have sex before in your life. My wife and I had sex before marriage and our sex life was great. Neither of us had too much knowledge in sex but we were learning. We did fine until my mother in law started telling my wife and we should and should not do. I say you do what you have to do to please your partner. If your partner is not pleased by the sex act why would they want to keep having sex. If my wife could really remember she would probable say I could have pleased her more. I was stupid I did not have much knowledge of forplay no rules no taboo acts when pleasing your partner one on one. I guess looking back on it all I probable was doing it all wrong. Until the past couple years when I turned to porn I realized what I was doing wrong And how you please a woman
        If you went out today and had an affair what harm would you be doing. You husband won,t touch you so your not cheating him out of anything. We deserve to be happy not loanly and feeling worthless

      3. The sin label gets put on everything that is not fair. There is only so much a person should be expected to take. OK if things are sins than you could say a sexless marriage is a punishment from God. What kind of God would punish a person with a sexless marriage and people who steals, rapes,kills,and other bad things walk away with no punishment. If this is true than hell is here on earth. God gives us free will if there is no history of sexual abuse or sickness than a partner depriving their spouce of sex is trying to punish or controlled the other. I don’t think anyone of us got married saying I marry the other person but Their not getting sex. Sex and marriage walks hand and hand their a team . Labeling everything with the sin label is what drives people away from church

      4. That was so well said. I am the wife in a sexless marriage also and yes I pray and am still suffering. I feel like life is over and I will never be kissed, held, touched or have sex ever and it is affecting me so negatively.

    2. Counting the years until your last chili’s 18 is OK if I understand you right leave when the youngest is 18. That sounds good but your thoughts turn to if O leave how will my spouce survive support themselves. You might be so mad because sex was kept from you but you still worry you still probable still love them. If you had children and good times in the past you still hold on to those memories. You want those days back so very much it hurts so very bad

  27. Sadly, I am one of those husbands who is suffering from this. It really is a spouse like this that makes marriage so unappealing, and Satan is the source of all of the misery. The worst type of spouse who does this is one that claims to be a believer, but is just as or even more secular than the world. Thankfully, I have reached a point where my libido is dead even to the point where I consider masturbation a useless waste of time. For anyone in a marriage like this where your spouse is the one making you suffer and does not desire to change, your spouse is not worth fighting for and your marriage is not worth saving. It is better to treat that individual as a loss to be cut. While forgiveness and mercy are important, they are only for those who seek it. If your spouse is the one rejecting you and making excuses to avoid intimacy, that individual is really following the will of Satan and not the will of the Creator. I look forward to the day when I no longer have to call the woman I am married to as my wife.

    1. Hang in there Brother . I know your cause. But you properly have identified the problem – the devil is in her mind. You’ve got to be a man now and battle this demon right out of her. She is an easy target – a woman. No different than Eve in the garden. Start a massive prayer offensive, just like war. So many women are like this nowadays – being deceived just as Eve was in the begining, and now at the end of time. I hate this devil! In the name of Jesus, we will see him destroyed! Do you think Hitler was defeated overnight – no. You will do this and have a complete victory! Smash the crap out of this demon!

    2. Being rejected and loanly with no affection will kill your libido.
      Have you ever talked to your wife and asked her what killed it for her about her sex desires if she even knows . Maybe that is why people become gay because they were totally rejected by the person who is to suppose to make them whole

      1. I am in a totally different situation and I really would welcome death. I am 57 and married to a man 20 years my senior. We use to have great sex, hold hands, kiss etc. we have been married almost 9 years. The last four have been totally lacking any form of intimacy or sex. He had prostate cancer and as a result of surgery could only have an erection if he was given an injection to the base of his penis. Ouch. He was fine with this for a couple of years but then everything ceased. I am totally understanding of this and there were times when we would just have oral sex. He would have multiple orgasms and so would I and all was ok. Now there is no interaction at all except fighting. He refuses to talk about it period. I’m ok with no intercourse but there are so many other ways that would be fulfilling but nope — nothing. I am so lonely and miss the affection also. I haven’t been kissed, hugged, or had sex at all in almost five years now. Everyone I confide in have the same solution- divorce. I just don’t feel right about that. I just can’t. He shouldn’t be on his own due to medical issues and I can’t work due to medical issues so we live on social security income. I don’t know what I can do about any of this is he refuses to talk about it. He is just fine with the way things are while I am just losing the desire to live.

  28. my wife and I have not had sex for the past five years since she went through Mena pores and she will not even touch me and relive my frustration I do not know what to do any more can you help I have suggested counselling but she will not what do I do.

    1. Your wife may need medical help. Things happen to a woman’s body where they need medication to replace what they lost going thru memophase.

    2. My suggestions would be she needs her hormones checked. I know from personal experience now that I am using them, the desire is back stronger than ever. However my husband isn’t interested at all. Sigh.

      1. My wife and I have been married now 20 years. She has fibromyalga which I can Understand, but she was at one time watching history channels and came to the idea that since I am a Mason that I was evil and that I was going to hell and we have not had sex in the past four years. It boils down to the fact that she believed what she saw on tv. So that’s how I ended up in a sexless marriage. At one time we were looking into trying different things as far as sex, but that all fell to the side. I have one step son who lives with us who has a learning disability, when we first got married he would spend every other week end with his dad but that stopped in recent years and he is with us all the time, we would use the time he was with dad to have sex and enjoy it, but not now. She has even went to a adult toy store with me, but all the fun we had with sex just got thrown away. I feel that the only thing I am needed for is a house payment. I feel unloved, unwanted and thrown to the curb. She was in the kitchen one day I grabbed her butt and she said she had been violated, this was very much to me a put down. For a woman to just with hold sex by what she was on tv is just straight up being stubborn. I feel that women with hold sex as a way of power.

  29. I’m divorced now. I could no longer live in a sexless marriage. My ex had no desire to change anything. Unlike other couples, our relationship went sour during the engagement period. I should have known better, but I stuck it out 20 years hoping it would improve.

    1. Wish you luck Jen don’t look back and kick yourself look forward with a hope for a sexually forfullled joyful life

  30. I agree that a sexless marriage in sinful ! My husband said he will deal with it when the time comes. Married 46 years and only had sex once and intimacy, touching flew out the same door. The sex we did have was on our wedding night and nothing since. He moved to our basement and thats where he’s lived plus he has worked the mid night shift so he wouldn’t have to be home with me. He cares nothing about me and won’t speak to me ever. He just said leave me alone or don’t bother me He has nothing to say to me.

      1. I have found being nice to myself doesn’t help one bit. The lack of intimacy and wondering why my husband has no desire for me is destroying everything good in me. I am so lonely. I don’t feel it’s right to divorce him either so I am just heartbroken.

  31. Our sex life stopped 2.5 years ago. After our last sexual encounter, my wife said she does not want to have sex anymore. Being a little shocked, I said nothing and let her have her way, thinking this might be a good idea for a period. Due to her strong expression at the time, I felt afraid to even challenge this concept. I thought O.K. I’ll go along with this.

    One year pasted. I thought this was long enough to see what happened. I still said nothing just going along with it for 2.5 years total. I began to think this is just the way marriage goes – I accepted it – until 1 month ago. The Lord showed me some things that got me thinking different about this. I began to have a stronger sexual desires that I didn’t know what to do about. More importantly, I felt as though my wife needed to be better connected to me – and having sex would be the best solution. So, what was my plan of action, she was still frozen to the sex idea, any mention of it, she threatened to leave me totally. I was in a box I couldn’t get out. I then remember my wedding vows ” In sickness and in health..” .I determined that she had a “Sickness”. Not a physical or mental sickness, no, a spiritual sickness. She had been seduced by the Devil to think having sex with me was wrong. How many times had we ever prayed before we had sex – zero. Did I think the enemy would ever attack us in this area – no. Did I ever set up a spiritual prayer barrier from the enemy in this most power part of our lives – no. I was neglecting a part of my life that never had any prayer applied to it. We were naked to his attack. We were easy and fun targets for the Devil to come into. What better king of marriage to come against – a Christian one. Nice and juicy for the Devil and his Demons.

    So here was my plan. Start to apply a prayer offensive so massive and apply constant pressure to the enemy in this area. I have made up physical signs stating what I want – “My penis in my wife’s vagina” – sounds strong, but it’s clear and without misunderstanding. I have also made up other signs. I have 2 versions- an at home one, and a mobile one I keep in my pocket where ever I go. I also have taken a piece of my wife’s clothing and hold it as I pray (As Paul did with prayer cloths) I am using pure Biblical methods – most may think it sounds silly, but it’s actually quite Biblical.

    So I have been doing this for 3 weeks now – some days I get frustrated with no forward progress, but the Lord keeps reminding me ” Apply Spiritual principles and you’ll succeed” So this is what I’m doing. I feel as though it may take a bit to totally break the forces that have crippled her, but I’m up for the fight. Also, the Lord told me, that I should be praying for my wife’s body parts to be able to handle the new sex that is coming ( She’s 47 – and in good shape). I now am actually praying that those body parts will be fit and actually better than original. The Lord told me it is very important for a Husband to not look at any other woman, and to always produce a positive image of our wife’s body in my mind.

    I will get this miracle and have a wonderful but possible secret praise report ( due to the sensitive topic). I believe the Lord is returning soon, but my connection with my wife must first be right, so I believe things are going to happening fast. She doesn’t even know what is about to happen. She thinks we will remain as is – forever, Boy is she in for a surprise when all of a sudden she will have such a desire to be with me, she’ll be “Love sick”. It’s coming!
    In Jesus name – I’m taken my marriage back from a demonic high jacking.

    1. Pray works. After 2.5 years of no sex, God has heard my prayers and my wife now has regular sex with me! It took 2 months of straight, violent prayer to break thru this demon of sexless marriage, but it has happened! We are having the best sex ever! Prayer works! I’ve even stepped up my prayer on this matter to go to places we have never been before. A wife is suppost to give her husband good regular sex. This is one of her main purposes for being created. Don’t let any feminist devil spirit tell you different. If your wife is not giving you regular sex (once a week), then she is being influenced by the devil! Yes it’s true. So to all you husbands out there who are up against this fight, keep pursuing your wife and keep the prayers flowing. She will eventually fall and be back in the bed – better than before!
      Just a note, women don’t understand sex. They only understand being “desired”. They don’t like to plan to have sex, they must be “overcome” or seduced to have sex. So often today we get this mixed up with “Romance”. Romance is just another word for seducing a woman – your wife. Spend 1 hour in prayer on this daily. Tell your wife how great her ass looks, and don’t stop until this thing is broke. Your wife needs you to prevail. She needs sex to operate properly. She was designed by God to have a lot of sex! Don’t be tricked. Make it happen with God! In Jesus name this post will save 100 marriages by this testimony.

    2. The longer it goes for you with no sex the more bad you will feel. Your loanless will lead to Harding her. I don,t know how old you are but you might want to sit her down and try to find out why she feels this way. Could she be having an affair with someone else maybe someone that is married also.
      I am sorry I don’t think the devil cares about your sexlife and I think God it too busy to worry about it either. With all the wars killing I think your sexlife is way down at the bottom of the list. If anyone is going to change your life you have to. If your sex life is important to you and your wife don’t want to have sex with you she doesn’t want you . If I was not 65 years old married for 46 years the past 35 years sexless I would be gone.

  32. I’m sorry, but this actually makes me feel sick.

    Firstly, it appears that to the fundamentalist Christian that sex and lust are a sin, and now no sex is a sin.. it would be good for you to make up your mind so we can maybe try to understand you but you’re certainly not making it easy for yourself.

    Secondly, sex is not a necessity. Just because one does not desire sex, does not mean one cannot love deeply with all their heart. Infact, sometimes sex isn’t even connected to love at all.. so why is it so difficult a concept to grasp that love can exist without sex?

    And, according to the bible, isn’t the love for our brothers and sisters of humanity the greatest of all? ‘love one another, as I have loved you’ and ‘they’re can be no greater act of love as to lay down your life for a friend’

    A beautiful loving relationship between 2 people does NOT REQUIRE SEX. and how is it loving your partner to EXPECT sex from them? Can you not get your physical gratification in other ways and see the beautiful, kind and special person you share your life with beyond your need for physical pleasure to and from him/her?

    In addition, asexuality in humans is a very real phenomenon which you should do your research on. Some people are just not interested in sex, they do not derive any pleasure from it nor associate it with love. Some people prefer the more spiritual aspects of a relationship, and to them, it trumps over the physical, always.

    1. All marriages should be sexual. Anything otherwise is demonic. Yes, we have many non-sexual relationships, just not in marriage. The devil would try to make all marriages non-sexual, and all other illegal relationships sexual. SO, if you are not a sexual person, don’t get married. It’s the truth.

      A marriage relationship is very unique. Sex is the cornerstone of this relationship. Without it, men would never pursue women. Men can have a better time with their buddies. You remove sex from marriage and you get a perverted thing that God hates. How do you think children are made – by holding hands? All men should take a leadership role in this and pursue their wives until they submit. Woman love to be sought after and eventually taken. It’s built into them. Men who complain that their wives don’t initiate sex are wimps. Wives should never initiate sex. This is a leadership role of the man. The man should pursue the woman, then she will yield to him. Doing housework, and cleaning up the house and helping out, won’t get you there. It will just frustrate you. A man must pursue his wife in writing love letters, touching her, chasing her, romantic things. Last I checked, doing housework was very unromantic. This coupled with prayer will make his wife have sex. And she will like it. Woman don’t want sex, they want their husbands to want THEM, then they will submit to sex. To tell your wife, “let’s have sex.” – she will not understand. Women must be seduced to have sex. But chase her and pursue her, and seduce her, then she will have sex every time. It’s fact. I pray all men who read this post will begin to prayer for sex and write love letters to their wives.

      1. You say, without sex, a man would never pursue a women. So in summary, You are implying that women in marriage are only good for sex. Hell, it implies that women themselves are only good for sex. Nevermind mutual respect, care and concern, honesty and love in a marriage. As long you get sex in marriage, you’re happy? oh sorry it’s what makes God happy- for women to submit to sex in marriage, whenever the man desires it from her.

        Do you actually think about what you say and the moral implications, or only that you’re convinced that your wife who won’t give you sex is possessed by the devil, because she won’t submit her body to you? This is actually called disrespect, and perhaps if you don’t care to speak to or understand the wants and needs of the wife from her perspective, a large hint of arrogance and selfishness. I think this is very much encapsulated in the statement: ‘Woman don’t want sex, they want their husbands to want THEM, then they will submit to sex.’ You even acknowledge that the women may not want sex.. but lets try and force her anyway!

        ‘men should pursue their wives until they submit’ you are also implying the potential acceptance here of abuse, force and even rape. I’m sorry, but this is completely unacceptable in any circumstance.

        I’m sorry, but I do not believe that god intended marriage to be a place where the wife must submit to the husband even against her own desires. And to further say the devil is in her, to only further the devils own cause within yourself. Have some respect for someone who you confessed to love for eternity and who will be your lifelong companion and maybe talk to her about her own throughts and desires, it’s not all about you.

        1. Women should have control of their own body. Think of this when you get married your marriage is now valid until you have sex you concumate your marriage. A reason for divorce can be the with holding of sex. This sounds to me that along with marriage the act of sexual relations are expected as part of married life

        2. Reading this sure hasn’t helped- apparently I’m supposed to be happy with 1 sometimes twice a month- why the hell get married if you hate sex??

    2. You are obviously not a regular man or woman. Yes, we love brothers and sisters and share God’s love with them but that is agape love. In marriage God means for their to be love expressed sexually. While I can think of a lot of callous things to say right now, let me just say, you need to think this through once again, and while you’re at it read I Corinthians Chap 7. As a believer, if you are single the Bible teaches that you cannot say yes to sexual activity; before you are married; with a couple of exceptions, you can not say no to your spouse sexually after marriage. There is certainly room for compassion when someone, either the husband or wife is too tired, too busy, etc. but there is also a lot of room for taking up your cross and going the extra mile and following Christ and loving your spouse. Otherwise it is cruel beyond cruel to leave them suffering for something that only you can give, and in God’s eyes you are the only person on the planet that can give it to them without sin. And if meeting their needs sexually is too much to ask, maybe you should never have said, “I do” to begin with.

      1. Curtis, infact in response to both of you, I do not wish to sound harsh, however the way in which you speak is potentially hurtful and disrespectful. I respect your Christian views but they need to be met with wider considerations.. People, the way we treat eachother is important, care, respect and concern for one another and I would have thought especially in a marriage, the love and mutual respect is recognised most fully. What of the concerns of the desires of the wife, not just the husband? Perhaps the women does not feel comfortable with her body etc and should in no way be her ‘duty’ to submit. Instead highlighting the importance of what he wants above all else, can he not perhaps discuss the concerns of the wife as have significant worth and importance equal to his own?

        There are many sincere reasons a women may not wish to have sex that have nothing to do with loack of feeling towards their husband, if that is what they fear is the case. To suggest however, that she MUST have sex to fulfill some sanctity or expectation.. think about it, does that seem morally right? denying someone else sex, even it is from your spouse, is NOT a sin. It’s called I have the right to control what happens to my body right now, if I’m not feeling comfortable with this, for whatever reason, I have the right to say no. Howabout talking with them rather than trying to force them to do something they’re not comfortable with?

        And I also wish//pray you would refrain from using the devil to explain other peoples behaviour and god to explain your own, especially when the outcome serves yourself. I’ve found it always works best when you look for God and the angels in others, while aiming to overcome the dark in yourself.

        1. No man has truly sought after you. If he did, you would not say what you are saying. What you are saying has no place in a marriage relationship, sounds more like a grandmother with her grandchildren. A woman must feel beautiful and pretty. It’s the job of the husband to make her feel that way. IF she doesn’t want sex, that’s because she doesn’t feel pretty or desirable. Her husband must make her feel this. Only a man can bring this out in a woman. A marriage relationship is work. It requires constant maintainance. Just as a man will fix a leaky faucet, so he must maintain his wife’s feeling of being wanted. This is the job of the man. He must continually uphold the confidence of his wife in this area. She needs him to encourage her and make her feel loved. Woman stop having sex once they feel unloved and undesirable. She needs to feel loved. Early in their relationship they will be sexual, then later they stop, because their husband has stop his pursuit of her. Woman naturally don’t want too have sex, they must be persuaded. Ask a man to have sex, he will say yes. Ask a woman to have sex, she will say no. This is the built in safety mechanism that God has made. A woman , must be seduced into having sex. No matter if it’s with her husband or a stranger.
          Woman get confused, when they are not pursued and are asked to have sex. It’s very unnatural to them. Many husbands try to skip the step of pursuit – because it takes work. Sex is work. But like all work, it will return it’s benefit. This mechanism, is beneficial, as it prevents other men from easily having sex with your wife. I know all this sounds vey upfront, but it’s the only way to explain it in this forum. If your marriage is sexless. First spent a few weeks laying down prayer on this. You must first get the Lord to re-open the door. Then start to apply the method of pursuit. Again, keep applying prayer to your marriage. This method is proven to work. Also, men stop looking at other women. God see’s all, looking at other woman and thinking about them, God will not honor your marriage and your wife will not be sexual.
          Just do it.
          Write your wife a love letter.

          1. You are right and I don’t think all men know how to pleasure a woman so she is dieine for their next lovemaking session. You have to know where her G spots are and how to use them any way you can . I know myself I did not know how to please my wife. I learned to late in life my chance is gone. This is why women turn to other women for pleasure because women know the secrets of his to please other women. One time witch a lesbian porn video you will see how to make a woman happy. I ran across one by accident and I learned what I was never taught.

        2. I gather you’re not a Christian. First, let me say I never mentioned the devil; either you or someone else did or you are confusing me with someone else. If a married woman doesn’t feel comfortable with her body for some reason, well she should seek help and prayer and the long term goal is to feel comfortable being sexual with her husband on a regular basis. And like I said there is plenty of room to show compassion and understanding if someone is too tired or overworked, etc. This should obviously be dealt with before marriage or soon thereafter. And like you mentioned there is room for serious adult conversation in this area too.

          You state: “I have the right to control what happens to my body right now, if I’m not feeling comfortable with this, for whatever reason, I have the right to say no.” You should keep in mind that in God’s eyes when you are married you are not you any more. You are you and your spouse. In Genesis God says they are one. God also claims the human body, both for men and women. God is indeed highly interested in what we do with our bodies and he labels some things as sins. “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (I Corinthians 6: 19, 20) That includes sexual immorality and what you worship. Beginning in the next few verses the Lord explains the obligation that husbands and wives have to each other. “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (I Corinthians 7: 3-5) So, yes, the Lord instructs us in His Word that husbands and wives have an obligation to meet each other’s needs. If on a particular night the husband or wife is too tired for some reason and they feel they can’t do it, schedule an appointment for a few days later. Marriage is not only sex but it certainly a part of it. And any one is very foolish to deny that or try to separate it. It is also not sex alone that will make a spouse happy, but it will certainly be a part of it; moreover, there are other things that any husband or wife will need to work on in addition to sex to make their spouse happy and fulfilled. There are lots of other things I do as a husband when I don’t particularly feel like it like such as handling the bills; figuring taxes; repairing something broken in the house; seeing to it that the car is repaired and working; chopping the wood; and the ever present laundry, dirty dishes and trash to be carried out. And I’m the sole breadwinner and I have a full-time job to boot. And at times people will even need to make love with their spouse even when they don’t feel like it. Peace.

        3. Jacqui:

          Please do not read me as harsh and legalistic. I do not intend to be or sound that way. If I hurt you in any way, I apologize. Perhaps we can continue a correspondence. God Bless, and have a nice day.


    3. Now there is someone who “gets it” and understands what so many don’t! You do not have to have sexual intercourse in marriage to love your spouse dearly. I would love to have regular sexual intercourse as we used to, but I don’t love her any less than the day I married her.

      1. I just masturbate and don’t give her any money now lol. Been about 11 years and WOW, like some poor people above, it was actually the wedding! As soon as the vows were done, thar she blows, and blew me off too. One must say to themselves; what a coincidence it was directly after the wedding. Unfortunately this is disingenuous behaviour, as the odds of a medical condition happening the day after getting married for myself and a host of people above are a little prohibitive? lol.

        So what is required of me from a flatmate? I make a determined attempt now to remind myself of this. If I make a gentleman’s agreement with you and I do not live up to my part, if I welch on my bet, would I expect you to hold faithful to your side?

    4. You are making false equivocations to the types of love. Marriage is a bond specifically different from all other forms of human relationships. Sex being the defining characteristic. You say its the fault of the partner that wants to have sex with their wife or husband.
      Furthermore that expecting sex is an unhealthy, or wrong thing to do. That is ridiculous of course married individuals should expect sex ( barring a medical problem) from one another. If no sex is what one party is dedicated to before the nuptials. Or false pretenses were made on behalf of the disinterested party or allowed to be believed by the partner in the forthcoming marriage. This even in the eyes of the courts would be considered fraud. Sex is just one part of a marriage. But it is the only defining characteristic that in God’s word is outlined and set apart from all of the other acts of appreciation or devotion. In addition you clearly ignorant of fundamentalist view points on sex. In example of sex = sin, the reason you decided to commen on this page confounds me. In additional if a person is asexual ( which I agree is a real phenomenon ) then this must be disclosed upfront to the other partner if it id not then it is an unreasonable request done afterward.
      In addition Jacqui why would these comments make you be sick to your stomach?
      Sounds like you subscribe to a feminized non biblical view of sex between a Man and Woman. Not that you will read this post but if you do please clarify. Thanks.

    5. The sex act is what ties your married life together it makes a couple whole. The act of sex is the tie that binds a couple together. One spouce with holding sex is a selfish act unless sickness is involved. When we become married we are suppose to do anything we can to please our partner. 100% of our time should be spent giving to our partner showing them how much love you have for your partner.
      I am sorry For and the devil are both too busy to even know how good or bad our sex life is. We make vows to one another to love honor and obey our spouce and the one way o love and honor the other is thru the act of love sex the tie that binds

  33. To love or be in love and to be married is great. To want to have sex is great. But to say that , “A sexless marriage is a sin. And, it seems, many of us are sinning.” is irresponsible and just wrong. Christians have enough guilt hung on them, there is no need to make up anymore sins. If a person is in love their spouse and that spouse returns that love then there should be a understanding both ways. I am sure that the person who is just not into sex within marriage has enough things to worry about. Adding this as a sin only makes it worse.

    1. Here is the problem with not holding someone accountable for deprivation of sex, whether willful or due to health issues. Those doing the depriving are not loving their neighbors as themselves. There is absolutely no excuse to deprive a spouse of sex, especially since 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 illustrates that once married, your body is the property of your spouse for his or her benefit, blessing and use. Too many men and women fail to make the transition to husbands and wives, thinking they don’t have to make the transition.

      Granted, there are medical situations such as impotence for men and weak pelvic floors and vaginal dryness for women, and this is where patience is tested. However, many simply accept this and never make the effort to fix the problem and then expect the other to just accept it as well. It is pure selfishness on the part of the person who has the issue to remain as they are. Just as a mechanical problem will lead to other problems in a car, deprivation due to willfully not fix a problem will lead to bigger problems in a marriage. Does a spiritually sensitive person just accept that they will go to the lake of fire when he or she sins after redemption or does he or she seek the remedy by repenting? The same is true for those who are depriving a spouse due to personal medical issues.

      So in reality, it is a sin on the part of the one experiencing the medical issues to not seek the remedies needed to return to a loving and sexual relationship with the spouse, because he or she, whether ignorantly or knowledgeably, yielded their body to their spouse. It is high time that people stop making excuses and start doing what is necessary to both not expand the problem due to selfishness and seek to fix the issues at hand. Let’s use this analogy. Would you ignore a baby who is crying due to need for affection, hunger or a dirty diaper?

    2. Paul, I appreciate your view. And I think you are right, and I think it is important to use scripture within context. There was blatant immorality in Corinth at that time and remember most of the believers were new in Christ. They were exposed to things that would cause any man to be tempted and Paul was just addressing this. Saying that they should have sex frequently due to temptations is not to command the reverse to say that not having a sexual relationship is sinful, unless of course it leads to sexual fulfillment outside of marriage.

    3. I tried to make my husband feel guilt if he took his right as a husband to a sex life swearing if he did I would file charges of marital sexual assault. In 2013 he cared less if he went to prison and took his right with me screaming please no couldn’t we talk the problem through.

      It was a evening I had promised his father that I would accompany his best friend as the fourth at the table to a community awards dinner. My husband had been in a physical rehab for three years after MRSA set up a abscess. I was actually in a affair after having a full urinal thrown at me in 2012 over not letting a wheelchair van bring him home for the holidays in 2011. I was just trying to keep the peace between his father and him and failed in total when a stainless steel bed pan slammed square into his fathers face knocking him out just before the full urinal was flung at me with my husband yelling When he got out of the rehab he was going to control his own life and was not interested in my or his fathers opinion about the way he would be treated. When he came home in 2013 he was not going to negotiate any thing about our home life. When he was bought home without my knowledge and I was out with another man who he just about killed the next morning landing him in the regional mental health to cool off the next two weeks.

      I had plans with his mother, father, and his fathers best friend the evening the mental health again sent him home that time by insurance voucher taxi. I was just finishing getting ready stepping out of the bedroom right into his chest. His greeting was good I was ready to go out he had not even ben to a movie in 31 years. Where were we going?

      I was standing there stuttering that I had plans that evening and we would talk when I came home in four hours or he could take the money in my purse and pick a place to meet in four hours and his father mother and i could talk to him about the responsibility we expected to the society we lived in.

      The answer was immediate about my promise to his father, that the second he walked through the door He was the final and only judge and arbiter under his roof of what happened and I was not keeping any promise to any one until i kept the hundreds that were broken to him starting with our wedding vows.

      I thought the argument about a sex life was coming but started moving towards the phone to call 911 but he blocked my way, I was hoping to get him sent back to the mental health. So my first step towards the door he tore my cocktail gown off e and took what had been denied the last three decades by force with me screaming he was hurting me we could at least talk about why things had happened as they did.

      He put his sweat shorts on and threw the cordless at me and said go ahead call 911 and file my charges, don’t clean up, don’t pick up for a rape kit and crime scene photos lets all go to prison, Because the evening before I showed up with my affair partner he had scanned off my journals of 31 years that proved the fraud perpetrated on him by me and others as well as the civil rights taken from him.

      I had known what was done was wrong and illegal but saw no other way to keep the community functions going because he was the only person we could exert influence on and with his defiance of the last 24 years came a lot of pain and suffering when he got even for not getting the sex and the time off he had wanted When he answered the door to his fathers best friend and told him I was indisposed and not going he was insulting and left him standing in a 40 below wind chill because he was telling him he was not entering his house unless he had a badge and warrant in the most insulting way he could. When his fathers friend decided he did not have to accept a cripple’s order he said get his crippled a** out of his way then he flew over the porch rail landing on his face on the ice covered concrete drive in front of his mother and father just to prove he was not going to cooperate with any thing his father was ordering. That day my husband was making his own decisions on who and how he would show any respect or consideration to. His father was the last on that list as was I for the way we treated him.

      He simply cared less about the society we lived with, And the next day I received a call from my mother about coming to help us move. I was confused then I remember my mother in law saying that we had to leave before someone was killed probably my husbands father. she had nearly torn my face off about my treatment in refusing a sex life while he paid my way and not allowing a family of his own in the attempt to control his life. I paid in pain because i was not going to willingly allow sex, my husband paid in his own pain of not taking the suggested mid winter times off for his holidays and vacations never getting time off when he could have just taken the times and rested if nothing else instead of make the people bleed over his rights.

      Now it was our turn! I was 48 and he was 58 I was forced into the sex he wanted without regard for my feelings about it or regard for the sanctity of people rights to remain unhurt in his decision to rule his own life. even if everyone else had to give up their hopes and wants so he could have his just because he had hired in before them. He had no feeling for the people there except contempt for the society they had built and its hierarchy. He managed to bring it down by the union contract before we left 2 weeks later telling other coworkers to stand against rights being taken from them.

      My husbands father is a very conservative republican and feels that his oldest son worked to create a communist society in Union guise and a anti establishment person and he had proved it from 2000 to 2013 by being a mal content and never doing exactly what he was told about vacations, jobs and shifts, always fighting to have his way about it all when we knew there were always needs greater than his.

      That was the operable phrase there were always greater needs in our opinion, and he could care less about those needs. Since his were never met and he had shotguns pointed at him forcing him to work holidays after 2000. We had tried to make him responsible to the always and he developed a hatred for it and everything that concerned the always part.

      He did not want to be responsible to always or the needs of the rest of the work force by 2000 he had begun to hate me telling me i added nothing to our none marriage. no kids no job. I was just there with everyone else making him our slave and he would have liked to drown me rather than say I was his wife when all he had done was stand and say I do at an alter and nothing after had happened except telling him he was worthless because he refused to kiss our rears and until he was deep sixed he was going to continue to refuse and cause as much headache as he could.

      the next nine years it was headaches, broken bones, busted teeth, and total resistance and lives ruined because he would not make any attempt to just try things our way many times drawing law enforcement into the fray after leaving people badly hurt because he wanted his right of choice in 2001. 2003, 2006 and 2009 over his choice of a summer vacation. a job bid and shift change he was leaving friends laying broken up for doing things like force him into work on holidays at shotgun point In 2001 it was two times. once when a hole was drilled to the center of his brain to pull a tumor out. He was supposed to have 90 days sick time to recover but the surgery occurred on July 31st. Right in the most needed time for vacations and he was going to be off until Halloween recovering. We were convinced if that was allowed to happen every time he could have off was going to be a major fight to the end to get him to try taking his time as we wanted. On October 31st we were pleading with him to pull a bid for a far cleaner and cooler job on third shift getting him off second shift. The thing was it was a job everyone wanted. especially by those with influential families. The day before his bid was going in on the 6th of November 2006 I was on my knees telling him if he did not pull his bid and talk to his friends about pulling theirs they were willing to hurt him to back him off. I told him if he just did as we were asking then there was going to be a sex life and none interference in taking holidays and vacations he was due as he wanted. He told me that we were lying to let a bunch of druggies have a central receiving and distribution position to sell their poisons on three shifts. I could tell his father he cared less who their mommy and daddy’s were He had been backed off of things for us to climb that social ladder on his back and he was kicking it out from under us at that time.

      The four thought taking a 46 year old man out would be easy and force him to take his bid down since they were barely 30. I watched him use his third dan black belt skills on them the next morning with no warning that he was considering any attack as deadly force was authorized. I slide the bolt shut and told him to at least hear the younger men out at 4AM.

      The county commissioners son and his friend tried to hold my husband to punch him senseless then drag him back to remove his bid In under one minute my husband turned all four into critical care patients I was crying trying to pull the bolt open with my husband outside yelling the bolt better be pulled back or I would be sorry then the door and frame landed on me breaking my leg and he cared less as he informed me he would kill me the next time I tried getting him hurt.

      The man I had a fling with in Bavaria over the millennials was nearly dead when they got him to a major trauma care his chest was caved in by my husband landing on him from eight feet up with both feet.

      He’s still on a heart replacement list, and I don’t know if he’s still alive even though MRSA and Parkinson’s finished killing my husband in 2019. He died in front of his five year old son.

      The last three years I have tried to get my son interested in living either in the mid west or Virginia instead of the ranches ad mountains of Wyoming where we moved after That evening my husband forced the sex issue in 2013 when he ripped my cloths off and had his way. His now eight year old son hated the mid west and Virginia was just about as bad. We are back in Wyoming and he’s reenrolled in school with the people he feels are friends who ride horses and run cattle except for going up to the mountain cabin where my friend who cared for my husband the last nine months of his life up there I get a weekly call from her to tell me how nice it is to not worry about covid She is a LPN that has had both phizer shots as have I My son got the Johnson single shot to go back to school He goes masked, which is something his uncle in TN thinks is crazy and wont get a vaccine saying its against his freedom. My son has the same problem his father did with no social respect for those in community leadership and he’s more than willing to fight for his rights like his father did. I saw it in the mid west when he was in jeans chambray shirt and cowboy boots and this one kid from a leading family started pushing saying he was just a western baby. That six year old baby left the other kids face bruised and his nose bloodied and the school principle was telling me the kid that my son went off on had a father in the city school district as a manager. the principle said just like his father without respect for his betters. I left for Virginia at the end of the school year just in time for covid to put the students on tablets and computers.

      I gave up trying for a real society that was not cowboys and girls and came back west in August before school start. Over Christmas we are going up to the cabin with my sister and her husband while my friend goes to the midwest to her daughters wedding after we take a pallet of supplies up by heilo My friend will return on new years day and my son and I will be flown back to start the next semester. I am giving my son the telescope his father wanted for Christmas a celestron 16 with full computer connectivity. I bought it for my husband before he died. It will be left up at the cabin for when we go there next summer with my son,

      At least it will be different than trying to go on a vacation I hoped to the med but the lines are packed I am staying out west now. I am going on 56 years of age, unlike my nordic friend I don/t feel much in demand any longer.

      I do go out to shows in deadwood and other places about once a month when my friend comes down to shop from the cabin. I will fly up with my sister and he husband on the 22nd and my friends flight to the midwest leaves three hours latter he and her boyfriend are going to come back on new years day and take me back home and my sister will be leaving for England to see her daughter in mid january for three weeks in Manchester, in August my son got even closer to his friends here and his female Cheyanne friend and him are out ridding bart and betty after school this evening It is like she has staked my son as her future.

  34. Unfortunately, Paul, I think some people are just too far gone to reason with. If you ever feel you have the right to own another person to the extent that their body is your property then you really need to wake up to yourself. A person is not morally responsible to give sex to anyone no matter what the circumstance. If anything in this world is a sin, it’s taking away the free will of another for your own ends. I don’t care if you’re married or not, it’s basic human respect and if anything, should be epitomised in a marriage setting.

    1. Actually, Jacqui, according to the Creator, the wife belongs to or is the property of the husband. He has a duty to be fruitful and multiply and she has a duty to be the means for his obedience. When you are an individual, you don’t have the right to engage in sex at any time since it was never designed for being outside of a marriage union between a husband and his wife. Your sentiments are actually satanic in nature because you are putting your own will as superior over the Creator’s will by saying “A person is not morally responsible to give sex to anyone no matter what the circumstance.” Everything we do as believers is to honor and glorify the Creator, and sex in marriage is the highest way a husband and wife can honor and glorify the Creator because through the act they create, maintain and strengthen the bond with each other as well as the husband plants while the wife waters and the Creator gives the increase when He determines it is time for them to produce offspring. In short, you are both morally and Biblically responsible to render due benevolence to your spouse or else you are being rebellious and disobedient against the Creator or not loving Him with all your heart, soul, mind and strength while not loving your neighbor as yourself, thus transgressing the greatest two commandments.

      1. David it total right. Woman like Jacgui have been born into a feminist anti God culture. I’m sure her intentions are good, just not God’s intentions. Women today need a re-education about life. How many young girls are being taught to be a wife and mother – none. They are taught to be sport players and business people. They are taught to be just like men. As a result 90% of divorces are pushed through by women. The deception on women is just like it was in the garden of Eden. Women love to get married, but they love divorce more. I know personally 7 different marriages that ended in divorce, all initiated and pushed through by the wife. That’s not a trend, that’s a disaster!
        Only strong Christian men in prayer will break this last days demon. If you are a married woman, you can bet your bottom, you are targeted by the devil to hate your husband. Only a praying husband can stop this kind of demonic influence.

        1. The funny thing about all this is you think I am anti-God. I don’t think the problem here is who is and isn’t against God, but how we are defining God. I see God as the voice of love (does the bible not say ‘God is love?’), beauty, hope, all that is good in the world. Now forgive me then, if I do not see forcing someone who is clearly unhappy to be married against their will as good.

          Secondly, I do not believe in the idea of sin. I believe there are actions with consequences that hurt one another, and actions that result in uplifting one another. I believe God wants us to choose actions that uplift one another. I don’t believe in punishments, only consequences. and I believe God shares in the pain of those consequences, feeling the pains and joy of humanity as his own.

          I do not believe in the devil in a literal sense, to me it is symbolic concept that represents the absence of God, or sometimes the inability to see God in a situation.

          In addition, I’ve come to realise that everything we think we know about the world is a creation and collection of concepts in our minds. The reality and beauty of the universe is so much bigger than that. You may think God has ordained your views, but I ask you, what if there’s more beyond your own limited scope? in afew years time, your views may change as you experience more and more of this existence.. it’s because YOU are creating them from the limited scope of your current experience. There is so so much more than what your eyes are seeing now.

          God is beautiful beyond your current concepts and imaginings, and your views are really not doing him (or however you may choose to refer to God) justice.

          It actually killed me a little inside when you said ‘I’m sure her intentions are good, just not God’s intentions.’ Do you not believe then, that gods intentions are good? In saying that, you are suggesting that you are willing to support causes that you believe are ‘not good.’ ?

          Also, is that really the belief you want to bring to an already suffering world, that god is out to get them,?instead of being the source of relief for the pain yourself, you want to advocate god as part of its continuance? Go ahead, just don’t judge me as a ‘god hater’ for wanting to relieve the worlds suffering rather than make it worse.

          So no, I certainly do not believe I am targetted by the devil. Nor do I believe that a wife who doesn’t desire sex is possessed by the devil. Hell, I don’t even believe you’re targetted by the devil, even though I could easily say I believe so. I believe God loves all enough for them, women or man, to become businessman, sportsman or whatever they hell want if it brings them happiness, joy and love to the world. Don’t think we need more of that, rather than more judgement and guilt imposed upon eachother?

          I don’t think I have any more to say. I am done with this. I pray for your wives, for any pain you may be experiencing, and that your heart will be filled with love, rather than judgement.

          1. Jacgui, your concept of God is incomplete. To fully understand him, he is love, but also judge. As we start our walk with God, he is more love than judge, just like a parent is with a new baby. As we grow older and closer to him, we see his hand of judge increase. For our better, He expects more from us. He expects our obedience more. If we choose not to obey his will, we will be corrected by Him. This is very Biblical. To understand this in a real practical way is necessary if we are to please God. Our purpose is to please God. To obey pleases him. Try to see all the things out there as to what pleases God and what doesn’t. All this talk about wives, there is a set order God has made to how a husband and wife should operate. If that is not correct, God is not pleased. Woman today have it very difficult, because they are taught to be like men. In the end it displeases God. Search the Bible and find these answers. AS for the Devil. You bet he’s real. I know, I’ve dealt with him personally. You may not see him with your eyes, but he’s more real than you or I. But we have power of him in the name of Jesus. A person committed to pleasing God, walking in the power of the name of Jesus, will defeat the devil every time. My prayer is that we all obey God and be under the name of Jesus.

          2. Let me paraphrase for her
            ” I want a God that fits with my views, wants, and needs, regardless if the God I claim to believe in is real!”
            “The Bible is a old book, and pretty much as useful to me as
            a cassette tape. It worked for people back then, but it doesn’t work for people as enlightened as me” ” I will pick and choose from the Judaeo-Christian tradition of morality and beliefs and throw away anything that doesn’t let me be my own God”

            Did I some that up?

    2. We are all busy trying to label what is a sin and what is not. I think that answer was given to us with the 10 commandments everything else is man’s interpretation on Jesus words.

  35. Pray works. After 2.5 years of no sex, God has heard my prayers and my wife now has regular sex with me! It took 2 months of straight, violent prayer to break thru this demon of sexless marriage, but it has happened! We are having the best sex ever! Prayer works! I’ve even stepped up my prayer on this matter to go to places we have never been before. A wife is suppost to give her husband good regular sex. This is one of her main purposes for being created. Don’t let any feminist devil spirit tell you different. If your wife is not giving you regular sex (once a week), then she is being influenced by the devil! Yes it’s true. So to all you husbands out there who are up against this fight, keep pursuing your wife and keep the prayers flowing. She will eventually fall and be back in the bed – better than before!
    Just a note, women don’t understand sex. They only understand being “desired”. They don’t like to plan to have sex, they must be “overcome” or seduced to have sex. So often today we get this mixed up with “Romance”. Romance is just another word for seducing a woman – your wife. Spend 1 hour in prayer on this daily. Tell your wife how great her ass looks, and don’t stop until this thing is broke. Your wife needs you to prevail. She needs sex to operate properly. She was designed by God to have a lot of sex! Don’t be tricked. Make it happen with God! In Jesus name this post will save 100 marriages by this testimony.

    1. No wonder your wife didn’t want to have sex with you. A woman was not here for are sexual pleasure . If that was true we should just go grab a woman walking down the street and have sex anytime we want.
      Woman was put on earth because Adam was loanly and without Eve how would they populate the world. If my religious teaching was right the sexual was to make baby’s go forth and populate.
      The act if sex is the most beautiful act done by woman and man. Sad is what makes a married couple whole. A woman is not man’s property to do what we want to do with them.

      1. I am a woman. If a husband treats his wife according to scripture-she will be WILLING to submit. Who would not want to submit to a husband who treats her like a queen?

      2. Amen joe! Women are not here for your DAMN SEXUAL DESIRES! Deal with it! I’m an asexual woman who defiant get sexual desires

  36. Hello i am a man who is worried maybe i ask oroffer my intimacy to often but i worry because maybe 1 every month or 2 we have sex now. I know there are 2 sides to each story so here is my wifes she was pregnant and it has been 6 almost 7 weeks since the birth of our son. Is it wrong to want to be intimate with her right now. I just worry will she refuse me later on aswell? Then i think back and when she did give in she seemed reluctant to as if it were a chore. We are still a young couple both under 22 and married for 2 years almost. Am i just a bad husband for wanting the pleasure for us both. Or is it maybe i dont know how to make it into a gift like god intends it to be. Please i just neeb to understand.

    1. Biblically, the separation time due to the birth of a son is 7 days and of a daughter is 14 days. If your wife is depriving you of sex, there is a psychological and/or emotional issue. If she isn’t a believer in the Creator according to the Bible, then I can’t really advise you on how to handle the situation. If she is a believer, she is in error in a number of areas including 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 since she yielded authority over her body to you and you to her. This is the problem with many men and women who considers sex as an accessory rather than the physical foundation of a marriage that is used to maintain and increase the strength of the bond between the husband and his wife. In other words, consider the marriage like a water dam and any stress causes cracks. If you do not maintain the condition of the dam, those cracks get bigger and eventually the dam breaks. You can imagine the damage and consequences for this happening.

      My advice to you is make sure you are in honor at all times and get intervention if your wife is not a believer. If your wife is a believer, she is not loving her neighbor as herself and runs the risk of forfeiting access to the city that will descend from the new heaven on the new earth.

      1. A sexless wife is a rebellious wife. If your wife is not having sex with you, she has been influenced by the devil to do so! Sex for women is submission to their husbands, A wife who is not having sex with her husband will invite all manner of demonic spirits, like fighting, talking back, disrespect, independence, ect.. you name it, into her life and yours. This lack of sex is an indication that your wife needs prayer – strong prayer. Do not let this linger in her! If you have allowed her to stay in this sexless state, you will need some serious prayer for possibly a couple of months to break it. Oh, the enemy will put all kinds of “excuses” into her mind – like, “I’m tired”, health issues, emotional issues, “I don’t love you”.. blah, blah, blah… it’s just ways to get YOU to submit to the devils authority. If your wife is not having sex with you, you have been stolen from! The devil has stolen a precious thing of yours and you are allowing him to keep it. What if someone came into your home and took your TV away just when you were watching your favorite show? Would you allow him to do so – NO! Take your wife back! She is yours- in all areas! It’s not my way, it’s GOD’s way! A sexless wife has lost her way and needs her husband to help her find her way back home. Remember, she is the weaker vessel in all areas – mentally, emotional and physically. She needs you to guide her back to her proper spot – in your bed.

    2. It takes a woman time for their body’s to recover from childbirth.A woman’s hormones tazke a while to become normal and taking care of a newborn is great. Give her time give her help hug her tell her you love her and that you are there for her. Most marriages and sex lives get back on track after some time that love her for who she is

  37. Wow Dave I must say you have a lot of insight and I was touched even though you weren’t replying to me. I am in a lot of pain now because of the sexlessness in my marriage and boy does it smart! At times I have been very strong and at times I have fallen and getting back on the spiritual bandwagon is tough. I am trying to do things the Lord’s way.

    1. There is such a last days deception upon women today. This whole sex thing should be a “no issue”. Women have been so deceived into staying away from their husbands. This is a major spiritual battle that has gone unfaught by men in the spirit for years. Husbands must start today a strong prayer effort against this ungodly spirit that is attacking our women. I blame mostly the men for not keeping up a spiritual hedge around their wives, but prayer will turn this around. Believe it or not, in the “old” days, it was women who were begging their husbands for physical affection – not the way it is today. Even watch some of the old TV shows and see how the woman acted. Men need to start a strong prayer life in this area and watch your wives jump into bed! I know it works, because it worked for me. My wife had made a “decision” for both of us that we weren’t going to have sex anymore. Silly me just went along with it – because I was too afraid of starting fights – then after 2.5 years, the Lord showed me that the devil high-jacked my marriage, and that I was to pray strong against it. A sexless wife is a curse and a demonic stronghold that needs to be broken – but it can only be broken in the spirit. Talking about it will get you no where, but prayer will get her to have sex. My cold wife is now wearing sexy costumes at sex times! I plan on having sex with her this Friday and she’ll love it! It works, and God is for you 100%!

  38. Its interesting as I read the comments that have come in. The idea that things have flipped, and women used to beg their husbands for sex stands out. The last TV show I remember having that dichotomy was “Married With Children.” Sex in our society has been associated with violence in its every context. Society has made sex out to either be kinky or violent. This is not as God intended. Its also hard for Christian men to deal with. They have taken divorce off the table, and thus don’t have a credible threat to fight with. I would warn any man that is in a sexless marriage, that it is unlikely that your wife has taken divorce off the table, and you need to prepare for it coming. A wife who is not willing to experience sexual pleasure with her husband is not likely to value the marriage vows enough to keep them. Sadly, my experience also says that a woman who is not having sex with her husband is likely having sex somewhere else or playing with the idea. I know that is not always the case, but it was for me and most guys I know who later got hit with divorce papers as their wives had deteriorated their bonds with them over the year. The only legitimate excuse for not partaking in the physical aspects of marriage is some sickness or ailment that makes it impossible or painful/uncomfortable.

    1. You just not just competing with the man nest door you might be competing with the woman next door. Guys if you don,t pleasure your wife durning sexvshe will shut down your sex life and turn to another man maybe even a woman. Some people may not like me saying this who knows how to pleasure a woman than another woman it is happening every day look around . I am sorry I can’t blame them you just cant jump on top of a woman do 45 seconds of pushups and expect her to be forfullled she can do that with a dildo

  39. I am officially divorced as of today, 10/16/2014. Just like what another comment says, divorce is not off of the table for women. As the Bible says, when an unbeliever wants to leave, we are called to peace. The moment the wife, or the husband, files for divorce, that individual has abandoned his or her status as a believer because he or she has petitioned Satan’s system to put asunder what the Creator has united. It is just as there is no such thing as a law abiding citizen who commits crime with a gun. The moment you choose to commit the crime, you are no longer law abiding regardless of how close or far the decision is to the act.

    The main problem with women who deprive their respective husbands of sex is that it is demonic in nature, which is the nature of the feminist movement. There is a theory in Jewish theology that says the first wife of Adam was named Lilith that was first unwilling to submit to Adam for being created as he was, from the dust of the earth, and then became a demon. This may be synonymous with a spirit known as Jezebel. The feminist movement gives the woman a sense of power and equality, something that has never existed in any relationship from the perspective of the Bible. The Messiah always considered the Father in Heaven to be greater than Himself. A wife is higher than her children. A husband is higher than his wife and his children.

    Going forward I plan to initiate a method of testing to determine whether or not someone is ready for marriage. This involves getting the other’s understanding of the following facets of marriage including:
    For example, if the spiritual facet is not based solely on the Bible and this excludes any contradictions within religion and theology, then the other would not be a proper match for me. Another example, if the emotional facet is not answered with something exactly or similar to where the other is emotionally secure and has no need for a relationship, but desires to fulfill the will of the Father in Heaven according to His instructions, then the other would not be a proper match for me. The sexual facet will be the most difficult because the other would need to seek deliverance if the other ever used sex as a bargaining chip or method to manipulate. For me, if the other desires to fulfill the will of the Father in Heaven as often as possible with the exceptions of during menstruation, recovery from childbirth, when either or both are ill, or by mutual consent for the purpose of fasting and prayer, then we would be equal in this area. The more often the better. In fact, one of the earliest mentions of the gospel is actually in Genesis 2:24 and related to the word flesh. You won’t see it in English, but you will see it in Hebrew. Flesh represents basar, which is H1320. However, you have to go a step deeper to H1319 and you will discover the words good news in its description. If you think about it, it relates perfectly with the parable of the sower. The husband sows seed into his wife, and if her ground is good, she will receive it and fruit will be produced. Sorry for the sidetrack, but that happens a lot when I start relating things.

    So my advice for each person who is still married is examine your own hearts and try to define the above facets of marriage according to the Scriptures rather than religion and theology. Once you understand them, then try to have your spouse define them in like manner. Since a woman is more driven towards emotion, once she feels all hope is lost and desires to leave, it may be best to let her go since the apostle Paul illustrates that a believer is not under such bondage. Remember, a believer loses that status once he or she regresses to the behavior of an unbeliever, which is why repentance is necessary to regain that status.

    On another side note, does a believer have to accept back an ex-spouse? Once a marriage is destroyed, it cannot be reconciled. A new one has to be established. Think of what the Messiah did to enable the house of Israel to reconcile with Him, which is that He died and shed His blood to pay for their sins. There is one absolute condition that must be met, which is she never marries another man prior to returning. The other condition is that you must willingly accept her back. I personally would not trust my ex-wife back in my life regardless of a complete repentance and even if she won the lottery and was willing to give me every cent of the winnings, even if she never married another man. I would tell her to use this as a lesson to not destroy another marriage or family and that she can use that money to help those in need. Could this be considered as unforgiveness? That is one perspective, but another perspective is not being fooled more than once by the same person. Besides, I gave her a final opportunity to change just before the divorce case by asking her if she was sure she wanted to go through with the divorce. I’m not saying this is correct or incorrect, but rather that all relationships are based on choice, and my ex-wife is someone I choose to never trust.

    1. Great post David. It’s so very good to see you brought up the elephants in the room and the feminist movement. I’ve been in the church on and off for forty years, I was born in it. There are 3 main taboo subjects, what I like to call the forbidden verses;
      1. Marriage, divorce and remarriage
      2. 1 Cor 7
      3. The head covering

      Common themes here. As a note I want us to be aware of the statistics, at least in the U.S, of divorce initiators; any sample size of a room filled with 10 divorcees, 8 of the 10 filings were made by..well the female. Don’t feel alone.

      1 Cor ; quite simply never preached on. We all make a living somehow, and preachers make good money preaching, but risk loss of support teaching on contentious issues (and I’m sure many have to go home after worship and face a passive-aggressive ‘not tonight dear, I have a headache’)

      The Headcovering; well, simply ignored

      I notice a common theme here lol, and perhaps a common demograph driving it? Thank you David, God bless too

  40. Thank you for your insight. I wasn’t aware of the part about what you mentioned about the Hebrew regarding the gospel and the act. You’ve been very helpful, all who commented. There will have to be serious prayer and action, the.

  41. I have seen the recent comments that have a wife who for some reason is physically unable to have pleasurable sex. This is not the norm for a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage typically is a refusal to have sex by the wife or more rarely the husband, and often comes with demands to the other partner for things to get sex. Healthy relationships don’t use sex as a bargaining tool to get what one partner wants from the other. A loving partner will not leave a marriage because the other one cannot have sex or sex is somehow painful. This is dramatically different than refusing to have sex with your partner. As the commentor says, they have found other ways to be physically intimate, and in a loving relationship the partner who cannot have sex for whatever reason will find a way to remain physically intimate with the other person in some way. I will not budge from the position that physical intimacy is needed for a marital relationship to sustain itself, even if sexual intercourse is off the table for legitimate reasons.

    1. Most of the time even where there is health problems a spouce can please their partner in some way either masturbation or oral sex. You may not like the comments but it is true. How many of those in a sexless marriage would not feel a little better about their partner if they pleasured the other either thru masturbation or orally nothing wrong with it.

  42. mind will not accept sex at this time for last 3 years. I have no clue why this happened and cannot afford doctor. Am unemployed in debt worse in my life too old to count and call suicide hot every week. Maybe someone can explain this or can some day make sense of it.Iam damned by God continuing in this sinful depression. thank you all.

    1. Don’t know what to say there must be some answer talk to your spouce. Maybe there was some source of sexual abuse in her past life that turns her off of sex. Talk fo her leave God out of it be understanding

  43. I agree that a sexless marriage is extremely painful, for both the husband and the wife. It is indeed a vital part of a unique covenant and reflects the holy worship we render ONLY unto God. However, it is not a SIN to have a sexless marriage. People always quote 1 Corinthians 7 as a basis for trying to control in the bedroom. Should sex ever be used as a power play? Absolutely not… no matter which side of the play one is on! Look at verses:

    “Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 BUT THIS I SAY BY WAY OF CONCESSION, NOT OF COMMAND.” 1 Corinthians 7:1-6 (Emphasis mine).

    Clearly, it says this is NOT a command.

    There are many reasons why a marriage might end up sexless. Personally, I believe it to be a tragedy – but not sin. What led up to a sexless marriage might very well be sin, though (physical disabilities excluded, of course). Selfishness is sin. However, the one doing the denying is not always the selfish one. One should not have to expect to be constantly devalued in a marriage and still have to “put out.” That would be sexual abuse, and the Father never gives either spouse license to abuse the other in any way.

    It takes two to have a relationship. BOTH parties need to work diligently on issues past and present (mentally, physically, and emotionally) to clear the way for BOTH parties to experience the joy the Father God intended in the sexual union in marriage. Doing that, in spite of the difficulties of facing the pain of those issues communicates love and value to each other and the special spiritual, emotional and physical relationship you ONLY have with your spouse.

    Pornography is not a righteous solution. It supports the sex trafficking trade and promotes the abuse of women and children… men, too… but mostly women and children. Additionally, Jesus was very clear that even looking on another in lust is adultery and thus, sin. He was speaking to the men about women, but the concept applies to both genders.

    Matthew 27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; 28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

    We need to stop heaping condemnation on one another and pursue the Holy Spirit’s guidance as to the root of the problem. After all, He is our Comforter and one of His roles is to guide us into all truth. (John 16:13)

    1. Your quote is incomplete. The concession Paul mentions is referring to what he said in the next verse, namely that he thought it best for everyone to be single. In other versions Paul says”the following” and it is clearer.

    2. To keep from fighting to the point of no return or to the point of abuse take a pause. Porn and masturbation is a way of delivering stress helping you to control your urges so you can try to reason out why your relationship is sexless. If you try to talk things out while horney it won’t go far. Your not cheating your spouce by watching porn and masturbating because they don’t want sex with you anyway. Don’t give up there is a reason if you can talk it out without judgement. Use porn and masturbation as a tool to help you controlled yourself

  44. I have yet to read where the husband refuses the wife. Well, here it is. Try being pretty enough to still turn heads at 57 and your husband would rather watch sports or run an errand. And no, there is no affair; he is just not interested in sex. He is a good provider financially. The heartbreaker here for me is that the intimacy is non-existent yet I don’t want to end the marriage over it. He won’t get help for it, otherwise that would have been done. Married almost 9 years, don’t want to end it at this point in my life; just so difficult to accept this fate. Never in all my life had I known a man like this. I don’t want sex all the time, but never isn’t exactly exciting, either.

    1. Cynthia ~ There have been a few women above in this thread who are being refused and/or sexually ignored by their husbands, including me. I encourage you to go back and read my previous comment and Amy’s comment. We’re both in longstanding — meaning decades — sexless marriages. Married 22 years, sexless honeymoon, didn’t consummate for seven years, found out we couldn’t have kids, so not only is my marriage sexless, it’s childless as well. I wish I could say my husband is a good provider, but he struggles in this area and has an overall lack of drive in life. He’s a nice man and a good companion and that’s what I try to focus on. But it’s a struggle for sure. Sexlessness and childlessness are griefs that most people can’t — nor do they want — to understand. I’m sorry for your sorrow. I know it’s deep. You’re not alone.

    2. Maybe if you got a dildo later beside him and used it he might get the message you will please yourself and want to going you. At this point what do you have to loose

  45. My wife and I have just celebrated our 46 th. Anniversary
    I love my wife and she is my best friend. I have never known another woman sexually. Sad to say our marriage has been sexless for the past 36 years. I reasonably found out my wife was a victim of sexual abuse
    By two people once before we were married an one after we were married. Both men are dead but I guess the harm is done. My wife now has medical problems that would make sex impossible .
    I feel bad for what my wife has had to live with we had a good sex life for a few years . I guess it sounds bad but
    I feel so cheated I feel so very alone with no affection. My religion makes me feel so bad for realeaving my sexual tensions Catholic guilt.
    I am so jealous of couples who have great sex life’s as sad and loanly I have been I could never bring myself to cheat. I take my vows serious for better and for worse in sickness and in health. I get so mad with God I prayed for change for so many years I have just given up with praying.
    Every time you have sex with your spouse thank god for that gift.

  46. I get along with my wife great, but she is hypothyroid and we haven’t been intimate in 4 yrs. She suffered through yrs in a militaristic fundamental church, building a house as a family while living in the basement, my having a severe stroke, when she was told to find a nursing home for me, our 15 yr old son’s getting cancer, having about 10 surgeries and finally getting AML Lukemia and dying. Her adrenals are shot. Actually, except for a short hiatus four yrs ago, it’s really been 9 yrs, since the kids got old enough to know what would be going on in one room. But now we have a house, normal lives and are still believers in the Lord. It is very necessary that we have normal lives right now. Please say a prayer for our marriage. It’s been 30 yrs of happiness, but kind of lonely lately.

  47. We’ve been married almost 47 years and only had sex intimacy once in all these years. I was virgin and so was my husband when we got married. The day after we were married he said he hated sex and there fore hated me. The sex we did have was tense and I don’t know if it was good or bad. I have tried for years to figure out went wrong maybe in his child hood or something tramatic while in Viet Nam. He just curled up in his world and worked day and night, never talking to me, never slept with me, He built garage with a shop and attached apartment. We ruined our lives him for what ever bothers him, and me for not leaving him he would have never noticed. I have lots of friends he has none he just wants no body, I’m to old to care any more and way to late to move on..

  48. I was in an abusive marriage for over 30 years, my ex took great pleasure in rejecting and insulting me. He had multiple affairs and told me it was boring to be with one person. I’m now remarried and have share with my new husband how much my ex hurt me, rejection hurts at such a deep level. The first few months we were together were great, but then very suddenly he lost interest. Now he can’t even get an erection and his most frequent remarks are “I’m tired” at night and “the morning is too early”. I’m frustrated and feeling like I used to with my ex. I don’t know what to do.

  49. Physical intimacy was never a priority in our marriage. During the first 5 years I can only remember a few times that we had sex. For the last 15 it has been nonexistent. When I really think about the loneliness and rejection that I feel it makes me want to cry. I now realize that my wife (D) has trouble with most kinds of intimacy; having close friends, making herself vulnerable, sharing her hopes and dreams. She throws herself into her job. I recently told her that I feel like she is married to her job; has a one-eyed boyfriend named Dell (her laptop) and I am just a roommate. She said something about needing her job and never even realized that I was crying out to her for help. Most nights now she sits on the couch doing work on her laptop and watching TV and I go to the back of the house to read or play games. For these many years I have just let things go on like they have been without any true relationship. Something has recently awakened me to the need for more. I am a Christian and don’t believe in divorce but it may need to happen. I don’t want the next 15 years to wind up like the last 15. I just want someone to SEE ME and value me.

  50. I’ve been married for almost 6 years. Marriage has been sexless for nearly 4 years. I’ve done everything I can think of to work on whatever the issue is with my wife. Marriage counseling, therapy, prayer, etc. Nothing has worked. I’ve prayed hard asking for God to help me. I often have sexual thoughts throughout the day now and I try to bury them but nothing works. I feel tormented and punished. I’ve never done anything to violate my marriage and she honestly treats me like crap a lot. I tried everything I could think of to be even nicer and more thoughtful to her but nothing has worked. Please help.

  51. My comment has to do with my own married life. I was sexually molested when I was a small girl (my mother died when I was 6). I remember my father doing inappropriate things but am not sure exactly what they were. I’ve been married for 40 years. I had a lot of sex before I was married–some partners were good, others not so good. I have not been satisfied in the 40 years I’ve been married, and now for the last 4 years, our marriage has been sexless due to ED. I am almost to my breaking point. I am 65, but I’m a young 65. I deserve more, and I’m thinking of what I should do. There is no guarantee at my age that I will find anyone able to give me what I need. Am I plain crazy?

  52. HI ive been with my “wife” for 35 yrs, “married” 21 years, never lived together till we “married”. never ever had sex, best friends and I still don’t know if we are married. what makes a marriage? we abstained because of our beliefs in sex before is adultery, then she battled with vaganismus for years and the rest is history. are we married? :/

  53. As my name suggests I’m not a believer, but I’m just curious.

    My wife and I almost never have sex. This is because neither of us is particularly interested in it.

    Are we sinning in this? I don’t feel that either of us is denying the other, because neither of us actually wants anything. How is denying someone something they don’t want a problem?

    This is just out of curiosity, if anyone can help.


    1. Your entire life is being lived outside of faith, so yes, it is sin. “Whatsoever is not of faith is sin.” ~Romans 14:23.
      I know you are convicted of that sin, too, else you would not be moved to write.
      “… and when He (the Holy Spirit) is come, He will convict the world of sin, righteousness and judgment. Of sin, because they have not believed …”
      However, all sin has been forgiven by Jesus Christ, when he died on the cross. It is called in theological terms, the unlimited atonement. No one will go to hell because of anything they have done, but only because of the one sin of omission: not believing in the One who died for their sins, was buried in a tomb and resurrected from the dead according to the Scriptures. Salvation is by grace through faith without works of merit. This is the Gospel or Good News.

  54. I’m also in a sexless marriage, 30+ years, no children. No sex at all in the last 4 years. But at least I now know why. I’m in a ‘mixed orientation marriage’. Three and a half years ago, when I said I wasn’t ready to go on like this to the end of our lives, my wife ‘came out’ to herself and to me as a lesbian. Years of unanswered prayers to be delivered from her unwanted desires have more or less destroyed her faith. Years of unanswered prayers by me for a miracle, for some change, even for some medical condition that would destroy my libido, also all unanswered. I now struggle to move from resignation to acceptance: this is my reality; it’s not going to change. God cannot change the fundamental sexual orientation. We were both virgins when we married, and of course we talked about sex. We both said we wanted lots of sex and lots of children, and now I’m well into my 60s with neither. And no hope. But perhaps more by a miracle than any effort or virtue on my part, I’ve never, not once, come even close to being unfaithful. So we go on as room-mates and friends…

  55. I have been married for 21 yrs, my 2nd and my husband’s 3rd. About two years ago I found out my husband was cheating. We chose christian counseling over divorce. While my husband was having the affair we had some sex. Since the affair ended we have had sex twice. The last time he made me feel like it was a chore that he did not want to perform. We were told to have sex for home work in our counseling session but my husband refused. The last time I touched his penis he snatched my hand away and rolled up in the top sheet. He has called me ugly names because I still desire sex. He avoids me sexually like I have a deadly disease. He claims his medication prevents him from performing. One of his counseling assignment was to go to the doctor for Cialas . He went to the doctor and he took 2 of 10 pills. In the medicine cabinet today you will find the other 8 pills. My gut feeling tells me my husband is gay. I have watched how he acts with certain male friends. I think the affair was to avoid suspension from what he is really hiding. I have tried to talk to him but he refuse to open up. I asked him to buy me a sex toy for my birthday, hoping this would bring some closeness but he refused. We are very active in our church. No one knows how I’m hurting inside. My husband wants the public to think we have the perfect marriage but it is all a lie. I tell him God sees all and he knows all. A part of me wants to leave this marriage and the other part tells me the devil will win if I leave. I’m praying for a healing. Pray for all married couples going through this sexless marriage issue.

  56. I’m at the point in my marriage where I marvel that a woman can write on the topic of sex with compassion and interest. It’s an anomaly to me. I try to imagine that you have not only inwardly engaged the challenges and joys of your own bed, but that you also have the humane drive or intellectual interest to discuss it, to share your thoughts on it. Love has not only graced your own marital embrace, but your fraternal love extends to others, and you minister. How wonderful. How terribly, terribly jarring.

    I’m an introvert. I like to focus on projects. I’m both cerebral to a fault, and physical. I cycle, I fast and workout. I hunt and shoot, I tinker.

    I’m 34 years old. My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We have two children under 4.

    When I met my wife I was just leaving college.

    I had very naturally, though painfully, avoided dating for the entire six years I was in school. This, due entirely due to my personality. My dad is an undiagnosed narcisist and I think that as a consequence I’m a little different interpersonally. I don’t enjoy socializing but at the same time a miss it. I miss the idea of belonging to a group of people, which I never have done since leaving the nuclear family life my father had created. Well, except of-course for my own family. I live for them.

    My personality, together with being very religious by nature ( I still am, I’m an enthusiastic and thankful convert to catholicism), I remained a virgin until married. This continues to stun me. It’s a wonderful, complex irony and commentary on my life that I have existed simultaneously as deeply passionate, and chaste. Perhaps it is because of the deep, deep significance with which I held and still hold sexual intimacy, that I was unable to freely share it or even approach sharing it with the various lovely women that crossed my path. The concept of giving in to momentary impulse both attracted and repeled me. So I lived in a sort of netherworld of sexual longing and self-prohibition.

    Despite living a life oriented to chastity, I haven’t been perfect. When I was very young I had little adventures with the other kiddies that were wrong. As an adult, I’ve dealt with pornography. I feel this is the usual fare of growing up and maturing. I have struggled, I have caved, I have regained my composure and moved on, I have at times repeated the cycle. But until I was married, I had never been in a legitimately sexual relationship.

    When I met my wife, we engaged each other in a special way. I have no doubt that we were uniquely intended for each other, because it was trully unique that she captured my imagination in a way that no other woman had. Before I met her, I had lived life as a student surrounded by women, but attraction to them was never trully profound. And I somehow insisted on a profound connection… a connection of minds and wills, before I was able to surrender wholy to a woman’s natural, physical allure. To me, the sexual, by itself, was like a pornagraphic photo. By itself it was 2-dimensional and devoid of all joy. I could look at a woman with my eyes and appreciate her charm, but she didn’t have my heart. So a woman I didn’t know only attracted me so far. My future wife became a full-person to me. We connected, the minds met. I felt the urgency to love her, to make love to her. I knew it was right. I strove to fall into the comfort of her embrace.

    I remember vividly when I learned that she had lived a completely normal modern life, where I had lived an emotionally closed one. She had had several boyfriends throughout her youth, had at some point and at varying degrees slept with them all. She lost her virginity somewhere around the age of 14. Being a free, willful spirit, she had thought she loved each boy, and had lived a sexual life that she felt she had, as a red blooded american, been entitled to. She enjoyed, suffered, and ended each relationship. And she never allowed hereself to be alone. In fact, when we met she that had been dating a man who had moved away, and had essentially reduced their emotional intimacy to the game-day fuck, when he would return to campus to tailgate with his buddies. She tried so hard to find purpose in that relationship, she had been through so many. To her it was another failure, another defeat, to admit that this relationship too had been wrong. But when she met me, to her, I was tantalizingly different. She saw the sincerity in my eyes. She was intrigued by the significance with which I regarded her embrace. We connected, the minds met. She re-arranged her way of living and saught to understand me and what made me tick. This thrilled me. To see someone alter their own life in the pursuit of a new one with me! At the height of our courtship she told me “you make me want to be closer to God”.. which I didn’t exactly know how to take, accept maybe we both could become better, more faithful people together, and live together intimately and deeply, resting at peace, fulfilled and empowered.

    As I came to know her better, I began to understand that the occasional visit the to drugstore was to pick up her birth control. Her doctor had prescribed it for cramps, but of-course it had secondary benefits as well. At the time I had not convictions on the matter, so besides it being a reminder of her perfectly common-place sexual background, I didn’t take much notice.

    As our wedding approached, I felt a sudden chill from her … a clenching, grasping, circling of the wagons around her personal sovereignty. I had understood from the outset that she was particularly willfull, but had never felt (what I now understand to be) her reaction to an intimate intruder.

    (I, like her parents, like her children, hold a special regard from her. We are higher and deeper in her life than her very best of friends. In that position, we enjoy the special privilage of her vulnerable, deepest self, and because of that we are intruders on her personage. We are a threat to her inner peace, and for each of us respectively, we know that there is a special point at which we are held at arm’s length.)

    I mentioned the birth control, the pill that she maintained a prescription to. Well, despite this, she had made clear to me that I should use a condom at all times, and when I suggested otherwise, I could see the panic come across her face as if she was being cornered by a rapist. So, I was an intruder. Subtly heartbroken by this reaction, I relented. I made the best of the situation. I found something I could use comfortably without being squeezed down to a sort-of de-sensitized, constricted torpedo shape.

    A condom is a brutal thing. On my wedding night my virginity came to a dubious end, which is not how such a thing should be ended. Experienced men can muscle-around the disorienting detachment that the thing produces. To me, it was a palpable barrier. I felt a tiny icicle in my heart with every use of the thing, but I took it as my equitable sacrifice so that she, in her most vulnerable state, could be comfortable. At the time it did not occur to me that my state was as vulnerable, if not more vulnerable than hers. She was experienced. She was detached. I was inexperienced, I was eager, invested, and over-extended. In retrospect, I can see that I was laying myself bare emotionally. She was allowing me in, but she was not submitting, and she was not surrendering. I was reaching, yearning. She was accepting, managing, accomodating.

    During our honeymoon, we came together twice. I wasn’t shocked, but did feel thwarted by her sudden, evidenced, lack of interest. From marital intimacy I had expected playfulness and freedom. I hadn’t hoped for perfection, but I had hoped for enthusiasm. We were young! We were healthy. We were married!

    What better? To rest for just a moment, free of the worry of the rest of the world, in the physical comfort and warmth of a young woman. I had expected trust and openess. I had fantisized about lingering in her warm presence, caressing each other with our hands. Looking into each other’s eyes, and exchanging kisses as a natural continuity of what we felt in our hearts. My heart ached for it and similarly my body ached. My chest, my arms, my thighs throbbed with anticipation. My thoughts were both noble and carnal. Eathly and divine. I wanted a gentle, loving and savage embrace.

    During intercourse I searched for her eyes but she wouldn’t give them to me. I sought to hold her hands but she felt controlled and thought it insulting. Her breasts came only with the gentlest, most patient prodding. I wanted her! But each veil was dropped not with generosity, but with reluctance, utility, laced with the stench of latex.

    Since the theme was set by our honeymoon, the story has been the same. We have gone from making love about once or maybe twice a week, to making love every other week, to once a month, to periodically, to months-long waits. As I write this, my wife and I haven’t come together in a year. It’d be humorously stereotypical, if it didn’t precipitate so quickly, if we weren’t still young and healthy, if it were not the fate of eight years of my most intimate self.

    Nowadays, what I expect from requesting sex is first, a completely insensitive and inward heavy sigh. I silence, as if that will change the topic. Then a maybe, and then some mention of the bills, which she perpetually needs to pay right before bed. By default, there will be a refusal when she quite naturally “forgets” I had sincerely asked. Then I will be tense, then an argument if I’m lucky. Or maybe I’ll just quell the fire in my heart and go to sleep. Then a few days later, as an olive branch, she’ll say something to the effect of, ok “let’s just do this since I’m terrible”. My wife, on the occasions that we do argue about it, simply folds. She concedes she’s doing the wrong thing, but then sits in silence, in abject acceptance of the situation as inalterable. There’s nothing she can do.

    On the nights she has convinced herself that sex can’t be avoided or else, she jokes, “otherwise I’ll hate her”, and she lays very rigidly next to me, does her best to snuggle, which is to pose as a sort-of cold-nosed, rigid, unyielding block of steel along my side, and I mustn’t say anything. Mustn’t. Mustn’t ruin the mood of silence. The silence will only be interrupted by her eventual, impatient sigh, which is meant to say that I am now to get it over with.

    In getting it over with, that is to say that I mustn’t touch her.

    I should somehow remove her panties without moving the sheets, because despite the weather, that will make her cold, and shiver. I shouldn’t use my hands to soothe or stroke her. My hands are rough and unpleasant. I would tickle her in a very intrusive and undesirable way, if I would to rub any part of her body right now. I should just move her legs (I am allowed to do so, since she doesn’t, despite the apparent situation of intercourse, care to open them herself) and I should as efficiently as possible position myself over her while avoiding too much skin-skin contact and above-all, no friction in the wrong direction.

    All necessary elements being in place, I am now expected to maintain an erection.

    As I write this, I notice I haven’t mentioned her breasts. Well, I haven’t seen them in a romantic setting such as the one I describe, for about six years. I haven’t been allowed to touch her bra or shirt for about three years. So really, the breasts almost needn’t be mentioned, except to say how desperately I miss them.

    Having, with the best assets of my youth and remaining potency achieved and momentarily sustained a 75% erection, it is now that I should attempt to enter her. (We use a natural method of spacing pregnancies now, so that the condom is at last, through religious necessity dispensed with). I should take my member, and find her myself. I typically try to self-align with my pelvis, about 50% of the time I’ll need to reach down and seek her out manually. Sometimes she becomes fed-up with my efforts, and with a quick, efficient hand will show me where I should be pointing, if I was paying proper attention.

    While this moment of negotiating is occurring, I will have most likely put a hand on her hair or have inexpertly arranged the sheets, which she is quick to comment on. She has always told me, as I joke, that I particularly lack skill in managing the sheets. Well that’s great. I can rest in the knowledge that someone in her life, executed the correct method and I might be just as good as him at this aspect of mating, if I wasn’t so careless as to lose my focus during penetration.

    Having been properly corrected into an optimal alignment, I am now do DO it. I face a soft, dry, prickly wall. My member bends a little. I try to find a little warmth to focus on, to become harder. I’m eventually successful. I push. She gasps with a hiss, the sort of sound a person makes following a paper cut. After a little effort, and many, many, many small and careful oscillations of my pelvis, I reach a point in her where moisture naturally resides. I am eventually able to fully penetrate.

    I can’t tell you, how hard it is. It is very, very hard to push so hard, so deliberately, so slowly, with so much resistance and not quickly ejaculate. It takes immense presence of mind, to avoid it, to avoid ending the moment prematurely. I have to start cold, I am forced to warm her libido in silence, and in a complete vacuum of physical contact.

    After some minutes of thrusting, she warms to the moment and her calves will embrace the back of my thighs. This is her tender caress, punctuated at moments by a displeased grunt as she adjusts the hem of her shirt to cover her bellybutton as much as possible.

    I do my best to keep things interesting and varied, but remain firmly fixed in the missionary position. I know not to reach down, until I have brought her to a plateau state. Prior to reaching this point of natural frustration, (where orgasm will not occur without manual intervention), I’m not allowed to reach down. I’m not supposed to have her moisture on my hands, and certainly not, in any parallel universe, is it allowed on my face. In the final moments I reach down and carefully build upon the tension I have carefully fostered over the course of several minutes. I hold myself up with one hand and touch her gently with the other. It is now that I am racing myself, to bring her and myself into sync, so that we can arrive at the same point at the same time.

    From a habit of hope, I still look for her eyes in the final moments. I’m not allowed to have them. She doesn’t like that vulnerability, and besides this, the lights are off, must be off, and we are in near total darkness.

    When the moment is passed, I am allowed to embrace her in my current position for about ten seconds. I should remove myself when we’re done, and not be rude or awkward by hanging around with no apparent purpose. I shouldn’t impose myself over her for any longer than is correct. Once I have laid down, she will then roll onto her side, and put one arm over my chest. I’m not to say anything. This is the after-glow, and it mustn’t be interrupted.

    After a minute or two she will get up and go to the bathroom. She will spend some time there to make herself comfortable again, washing me away, so that she can go to sleep. Moisture is the natural enemy of sleep, and it is night time after-all. We are done, what else is there to do? Don’t be silly, let’s not stay up too late.

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  58. I have been married for 7 months i was 5 months pregnant i love my husband so much but he treated me so badly we fought because i have found numerous other emails, and texts on his phone from other women, i became so tired of his womanizing behavior, worrying all the time, and i was always scared when i am not with him . one night he came back drunk, he also came with the another lady, when i tried to confront him, he immediately started hitting me and he pushed me out the house and ask me to leave, i was lost and confused, i was stranded that i have to find a help from anywhere then i came across a spell caster Dr. Todd who had saved many marriage so as i emailed Dr. Todd and he told me what is needed and after few days, he restored my marriages, i and my husband came back together as a married couple again, i am so happy, my marriage was saved by (manifest spell cast@gmail. com)

  59. What about when a marriage bed didn’t dry up over time? We waited for marriage and it turns out that I had been waiting for nothing. We never had a “newlywed phase” and even our wedding night and honeymoon (a 10 day tropical getaway) were depressingly uneventful. The whole trip was filled with sightseeing tourist activities that left us with no time and her with no energy for intimacy. Since the very beginning of our marriage, she has never been interested in sex and only allowed it at all due to her own guilt. 10 times a year has been the norm. Now, nearly a decade into our marriage, she tells me that sex is painful. She has never told me or her doctor this. She refused to bring it up. We now have sex even less because I quit asking and her refusal to ask her doctor about it has put us at an impasse. We have no children and likely never will. We are essentially just roommates and financial partners now. We are married on paper but our romantic relationship died long ago. I want to divorce her and find someone who will love and value me but I couldn’t afford to. I would lose everything and have to move in with one of my parents. I was promised monogamy and got forced into near celibacy. I have had to shut off my feelings just to make it through my daily life.

    1. My experience is very similar to yours. The sexlessness began on the honeymoon and got worse. I had saved myself for nothing. My exception is that your ten times a year would have been great in my case. we had sex perhaps once a quarter and then only if I demanded it. Even then, I felt like I was the loser in a mute log-rolling contest.

      I pay you can keep on keeping on, much like I am doing.

  60. Things like this make me frustrated and upset. I am an asexual which means I don’t experience sexual desires ever. Shoot me down if you will but I think this is wrong. I can’t experience these feelings and I want to get married but I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want my body to be used in that way because I have rights and feelings too. I would end up sobbing very night after sex while my husband slept peacefully. And if my husband really loved me, he wouldn’t want me to feel this way.

    So what do you think?
    I am a Christian

    1. If your husband knew this about you and agreed to it when you got married then at least he would have been fully informed. If you hide it from him until after the wedding then you are guilty of nothing less than fraud. As long as both parties agree with living in a sexless marriage then nobody gets hurt.

      1. Ok thanks. But it sounds as if this article is saying that it’s a sin to have a sexless marriage even when you both don’t want it

        1. The point is that each spouse should want to meet the needs of the other. When spouse denies the other something he or she needs, the marriage will likely fail. If an asexual person were to marry a high​ drive person and have no intention of meeting the sexual needs of that person, that would be emotional abuse. Get married if you want but I advise you to find another​ asexual person to marry. Otherwise, you will be responsible for a lonely and miserable life for a spouse you claim to love.

          1. But if they really loved you, would they put you through the trauma? And if they controlled their sexual desires before, why can’t they do it in marriage?

          2. If an asexual person really loved their spouse, would they put their spouse through the misery and loneliness of a celibate life? It works both ways. If you really love a person, you put their needs above your own. If you care about someone enough to marry them, you meet their needs. If you don’t want to, don’t trap them in n a life of deprivation.

          3. Let me put it to you from my personal perspective. The only reason I bothered trying to control my sexual urges before marriage was that I still had hope for the future. I thought I would be able to share this special part of my life with my wife. If I had known that she would have no interest, I would never have married her. I have given up a very important part of my life and got nothing in return. I feel loved through sex. Sex is part of love for me. I married her on the promise of a love that included sex. Now all I feel is resentment. I feel like I saved the most personal and intimate part of my life for my wife and she doesn’t want it. If she really cared about me at all, she would have turned down my proposal and let me go. She would have put my need for sexual connection over her need for “being married”. It didn’t happen right away but, our relationship started to decline very quickly after the wedding. Do you want this for your life? If you are honest with your future fiancee about your desire not to ever have sex it may very well be a deal breaker for him. I know this is hard to understand since you don’t have these feelings but they are real and they are a major consideration for people that are thinking about marriage. What if you had to give up something vital to your psychological health for no reason other than your spouse doesn’t want to provide it and there is nobody else you are allowed to get it from? I sincerely feel like I have no hope of ever having a satisfying or remotely happy life now. Do you want to be responsible for this happening to your future husband? Please, don’t marry a non-asexual person. It will not end well for him or your marriage.

          4. Yes, it is sad when i read and hear about sexless marriages i am one too, my story is all too similar to what I’ve already read, I would have never married her if i knew she would withhold this from me, I’ve prayed and looked at myself honestly in the mirrow to see if I caused this. She gave me no explanation as to why, she never even let me see her naked “NEVER” I’m puzzled, perplexed and frankly disgusted in her behavior. I’ve talked to her about this she really haven’t given me a reason why just silence. We were have having sex all the time while we were dating she would often pursue me so there was no way i saw this coming. I’m trying not to cheat but i admit the thought constantly cross my mind its been way too long I lost track maybe something like 2 1/2 years maybe longer. She has gained a few pounds but so have I we’re in our late 50’s. I’ve never mention or said anything about her weight she was 108lbs when we got married she’s a little heavier now but it doesn’t matter to me it’s natural as we age. We are very christian but i feel she owe me an explanation as her husband I deserve that. No sex, no touching, no affection, no nakedness, no emotional connection, no feelings reciprocated its ridiculous. I’m at a loss for her no one should be this cold this introverted this insensitive without a real legitimate reason. So far she haven’t given me one we’ve been married since 2008 and since 2011 we’ve only made love less than 5 times I’m at wit’s end and i know God is not pleased with this. I have not turned to porn as many men do i try to stay pure and prayerful as i want God to intervene someway somehow.

  61. You can’t force people to be sexually attracted to each other even by threatening them by calling a lack of desire “sin” This is particularly true of men who simply cannot function sexually without desire. Once sexual desire is gone in a marriage it is almost impossible to get it back sdo I say leave sexless couples alone I’m sure they suffer enough without being threatened by god’s wrath.

  62. You can’t force people to be sexually attracted to each other even by threatening them by calling a lack of desire “sin” This is particularly true of men who simply cannot function sexually without desire. Once sexual desire is gone in a marriage it is almost impossible to get it back sdo I say leave sexless couples alone I’m sure they suffer enough without being threatened by god’s wrath.

  63. I’m a little at a loss to explain things but here goes: my wife of over 12 years of marriage and a few years of dating had a lot of sexual abuse and neglect growing up that was enabled by her mother’s negligence, her dad died when she was young and her mother of her and her siblings is more than a little crazy. (Schizophrenia with a long pattern of no accountability). She went to therapy for depression in college and got better. I have been by her side since the depression (my own white knight syndrome). We got married and had kids even though I told her I never wanted either (people change), I love my wife and my kids and I won’t abandon them. However I too was sexually abused at 3 by a male and this left me always feeling like I needed to overconfidence to prove I am not gay (good with the ladies smooth talker type). I suffered depression as a child, became addicted to porn at 13, started carving on myself or lashing myself with belts to “feel” anything at all by 15, met a girl who pulled me out of my shell but loved to physically harm me. Had a relationship, she was messed up too, loved to bite me till I bled. Anyway, broke up, drank like a fish to nurse broken heart, had hundreds of bad dates. Open and strip clubs were safer. Best friend threatened to eat me out of I didn’t stop drinking, another friend made me promise to stop mutilating myself when she touched my back and it was sore and saw cuts in my back. I stayed dysfunctional with women and lost a few friends to suicide, meth, weed, jail, death, suicide, etc. met my wife at college tried to find God and straighten up. Got married, in college, never cheated on wife (repeatedly tempted) when finishing college, followed her like a list puppy to new school even. I love the partnership and friendship we have, I love our kids. We have always had dry spells sexually. I need sex like I need to breath. She enjoys it but fills up her needs with great intensity and then takes a month long break. I have issues with rejection from women. I’m mad her (and myself for being weak and having needs). When she wants it she gets it, when I want it I get rejected. I am tired of taking God’s name in vain out of frustration from working off frustration in projects, or sinning with porn, or sinning at the thought of infidelity, and lately getting even by withholding sex from my wife. We do dishes laundry, all chores, together. I handle my business in all roles as does she. I recently discovered curcumin reduces libido as do SSRIs. Would be nice if I no longer needed sex. I love her but I am no longer capable of being intimate (emotionally). I can live this life for a while longer, but apathy is my new enemy. Any thoughts for an anonymous fellow in the internet? Started drinking again and my mask is slipping off again.

    1. That was “rat me out” not “eat me out”, freaking autocorrect typos. And “open and strip clubs was p-0r-n. Typos.

  64. I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 38 years and it started on the “honeymoon” when I discovered my wife did not care for sexual intimacy. I tried everything in the book, and though the few times a YEAR we had sex she always had an orgasm, she still was not interested ad actively worked to avoid intimacy. She refused to admit the problem and would not attend counseling or talk to a doctor about it. The one time, far too late in the game, we did go to counseling, it was a disaster. The Christian counselor immediately took the wife’s side and wanted to put me on the couch and explore my childhood. He obviously had no experience whatsoever with this marital problem.

    I should have had the guts to leave the marriage within the first few years but, having always been compliant “nice guy”, and receiving no support from the church (it was always the man’s fault), I just gave up. I’ll note that throughout all these years I’ve been the sole financial support for the family and have been continuously employed.

    I now am retired but am facing the fact that I’ve spent my life with a roommate and will never experience the deep connection with the opposite sex that God meant for man to enjoy. My advice to any person in such a situation, especially when it starts early on in a marriage, is to get out as soon as you can. t will likely not get better and your mental and physical health will suffer greatly.

    I wish there were as many resources for helping with this issue and bringing it to the forefront then as there are now. Perhaps I wouldn’t have felt so alone and could have done something about it. Too late now.

  65. My experience is very similar to yours. The sexlessness began on the honeymoon and got worse. I had saved myself for nothing. My exception is that your ten times a year would have been great in my case. we had sex perhaps once a quarter and then only if I demanded it. Even then, I felt like I was the loser in a mute log-rolling contest.

    I pay you can keep on keeping on, much like I am doing.

  66. After 19 years of having to beg for sex, I got cut off by my wife 16 years ago with the statement “I’m not doing that anymore”. I asked her what “that” was and the answer was sex. No discussion available. Well, OK. Over time I was told it was “body issues” (I dont like my body, I’m fat), which is a symptom, like fever. Surely not a cause. Later I was told “I’d rather eat donuts than be intimate with you”. Bingo! Addiction to sweets. Insert every demoralizing thought one can have of themselves. I tried to reason that if you want to feel good about you body, regulate your diet, add some exercise and it will be positive. Response was, “true, I’ll start monday”…and 16 years later, monday has never arrived!! I stayed loyal to my demize. Meaning, lack of use killed my equipment. No medical fix. So I finally told her If I could possibly get “it” fixed , I would stick it in the first one available. She jumps up and announces “I’ll fix it”. That was the biggest lie yet! Now, I live in a world of anger, resentment, contempt and every negative emotion imaginable. I have no self worth and trapped in a nightmare. Sadly, my view of the institution of marriage is its a sham. The main goal of my “roomate” and other women is to get a status change and children. Then dear ole dad gets kicked to the curb. 35 years of my life wasted, when all I ever wanted out of marriage was to love, be loved and grow old as best friends. So much for that pipe dream. I live on an island void of any communication or intimacy. Its a great life!!

  67. I’m hsbnd will be 50. For the past 14 yrs..he has had every cacamany excuse to not be with me. “I’m tired” “The babies will wake up” ” I have to wake up in a few hours” that would b for me…my shift is 4am.. my favorite, “I wear him out”! The best one was when our girls were little & I would get them in bed by 8pm. I would say to him, “the girls are asleep, let’s go to our room”, his response, “just want to catch up on the game”, then he proceeds to lay out like a fat cat on the couch, and next thing you know, he’s snoring away. I’ve done everything to show him love & affection. Nothing. Zero. Nada. The other problem is that he never treats me like the girl he went gaga over. In 14 years, I can count how many times we’ve been together. He finally came out and said he doesn’t find it necessary, it’s overrated, we’re old!!!! WTF!!! him but not me😂. As practicing Catholics, it’s a sin what he’s doing. He is withholding my conjugal rights. He has also said that I should consider myself LUCKY IF HE SAYS I LOVE YOU, once a year!!! Am I dealing w a narcissist?! He admits that he is not a cuddly person & claims that’s just the way the Irish are!! I said to him, B.S!!! So I have shut down, walls are up. I have disconnected. He hugs a body pillow at night that was mine when I was pregnant!! His priority has always been his family, friends, bar hopping. In addition to having health issues which he has blamed me. He claims he has never had health issues till he married. I’m beyond humiliated, disgusted, embarrassed. The thought of him seeing me in my pj’s alone nauseastes me. I’ve asked a billion times if there’s something that’s causing this attitude, he says nope, he’s fine, has no problem performing, just has no interest. I said the alcohol & meds mixed don’t help. He says he’s fine. I had 3 on the job injuries 4 years ago. It took all this time, from June 2014 till now, Jan 30, 2018, to recover almost 100%. I’ve tried again to initiate, he just simply rejects me. And when I keep pressing, it’s hesitation followed w a big sigh. I pretend it doesn’t bother me, but it does!! I started going to my priest for counseling, he has yet to call. He claims he can’t find the priest🤔. What kind of lunatic am I dealing with?? Anyone?? I firmly believe he married me to take care of him. Replace his mother & older sisters. He has also asked me for a divorce twice. I said to him, you need to ask yourself why you’re asking. So that’s my whole situation.

    1. Hello,
      Some of your story sounds like mines. my husband for almost 21 years and use to be my friend for 30. I have some health issue from work as well, for almost 3 years, give or take. One of my husband problems is he listens to the lies of his friends, family, and some of my family members that don’t want to see us together. we go without sex for months at a time. the longest at one time was almost a year. He moved to a different room and we rarely talk to each other. He filed for divorce in 2013, 2015 and July of 2017. we didn’t follow through, and this last time the judge didn’t through it out he put it on hold. he blames me for everything, all I do is pray for our marriage. I feel like he keeps me around to take care of him as well. I still cook, clean and take care of the household. I beg him for sex. I feel embarrassed after asking him and he tells me NO!!!! He makes me feel ugly, unattractive and not wanted. the last 5 years has been the worst. I asked him what have I done to deserve this treatment from you? He tells me things about what happened years ago. I also asked him if he’s seeing anyone else, he said no. He said I don’t want to have sex with you because of you. He tells me that he has a lot of cramp on his mind and that I changed. I know in my heart he’s seeing someone else. I can’t believe that he’s treating me like this. I cry every day. I’m crying now writing to you. I don’t talk to people about this, so I hold everything in. I am going to go back to court and divorce him because I know he will continue to treat me this way. you are not alone and what your husband is doing is not your fault. what he doesn’t like about you, someone else will. I been also telling myself this. God got your back.


      A Woman in Pain.

  68. I’m a 45 year old woman who’s been married for over 20 years. We are a now retired military family. My husband has cheated on me 12 out of the 15 years we have been married and I still stayed married. Our marriage has been sexless for over 3 years. I continue to try and get intimate with him I even walk around the house naked and I get no response from him. He hasn’t slept in the bed with me in over 3 years. I use to beg him but that didn’t work either. He is constantly on his phone texting or on his computer. He will not let me touch his computer or cell phone even if it’s an emergency. He thinks everything is okay that nothing is wrong and when ever I say anything about a divorce he starts whining about he knew I was gonna leave him. He was diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa in 2006 which cause you to go blind. The opthomologist took his liscence in 2012 so I’m doing all the driving, shopping, etc. I don’t mind because I take my vows very seriously. I just can’t continute to live a sexless marriage anymore. I have needs. He is only 41 years old. I feel like I’m deserting him when ever I think of divorcing him. I don’t know what else to do anymore. Please help. I pray to God all the time and wait on an answer but I’m so lost and confused.

  69. I live in a sexless marriage. I’ve Been married 28 years and now realize that not only is it sexless, it’s always been that way since two months into our marriage. We had sex when she wanted to have kids but as soon as she was pregnant sex stopped. I have never known what it is like to have a regular sex life. We averaged sex 4 times a year. This includes when we were trying to have kids and going 2 years with no sex. Going through a period where for three years we had sex once a year..birthday sex. I’ve never experience sex once a week or even once a month. My wife suffers from depression and there were time when she didn’t function. So I did the house keeping, taking care of kids, grocery shopping and cooking. I was lonely. Her job stress also got to her so when she got mad about something she stopped speaking to me for 9 months. Obviously there also wasn’t any sex. Unfortunately I ended up having an affair. I know it was wrong and I didn’t go out looking for it but I confided in someone and put myself in the wrong place. When she made a move to me i guess I didn’t know how to resist. I confessed to my wife what happened and told her the truth. After putting me out for a week, she asked me to come back. We went through a year of couples counseling and reconciled. We both continued with individual counseling for another 18 months afterwards. At first we had sex once a week. Then it went to once a month. Now we are back to like it was before I had the affair. There is no risk of me having another affair. I put measures in place to prevent that and my life revolves around going to work and coming home. I am a Christian man and have been for a long time. My family and my therapist asked me why I stayed. I told them about the affair, but they already knew about the everything else. The lack of support, lack of sex, her refusal to do housework. She retired, I still work but she does no housework except cook dinner. Our sex life has gone back to the way it was before the affair and I hate feeling like I am begging for sex. I want and need more. I love my wife. I always have and always will, but I also want affection. I take care of her well. I am a good provider and show her love and affection. But unless I show affection to her she shows me none. But she will be quick to point out if I walk in the house and don’t kiss her.

    I need help and don’t know where to turn. I pray and read my bible every day.

  70. Why is this always aimed towards the wife not having sex? I’m a wife and I’m the one wanting sex and my husband is the one who isn’t wanting sex.. He makes excuses, I’m not pushing him out of his role either, I’m actually very soft spoken and he wants me to be in the male role almost.. Like I’m always the one who has to try and the one who has to spiritually lead and I’m told excuses. I’m an attractive women as well, so it’s definitely not that. I love God and I’m so unhappy! He even went to get tested because he kept using the excuse he has ED.. When his doctor said he is fine and everything works correctly. And he never had issues with it, just another excuse. He always with me 24/7 too so I know it’s not infidelity. He’s just not a sexual person. Help! When we first met for years we always had sex, now we don’t.

  71. I’ve been married 51 years and our marriage has been terrible for about 40 years. I always tried to give my husband everything he wanted but according to him i was not good enough. He always told me I was boring to have sex with, just lied there like a dead fish. I have to admit I did that,my upbringing didn’t help.
    But my husband didn’t tell me before marriage that he had erection problems and distaste of sex and at that time there wasn’t info like we have today. Plus his side of the family constantly argued and fought there wasn’t any love, plus Dad was an alcoholic.
    Husband decided he didn’t want sex or intimacy ever again and I was told that. He didn’t even want to be under the same roof and he built a cottage out back for himself and his things. Nathurelly I wanted to know what happened and all he said was it was just him and I had nothing to do with me. I know that wasn’t true but I was glad I wasn’t being blamed. He did things his way worked mid nights, holidays, weekends, all vacation time for over 40 years. He never cheated in any way with male or female! I had him followed many times and nothing. He did what a normal guy would do shopping, doctors, work like a slave, enjoyed car shows ( loved hot rod cars) and fix it things outside. It really has been a sad time for me no kids, family or love. I became a recluse type person, I guess I feel sorry for myself. Where I live there isn’t a lot to do for a 74 year old lady to do.

  72. I left an earlier comment, but can’t find it or know my name. It’s been many more years with my wife sleeping on the couch, 13 sexless/8 of them on couch. She’s got Lyme and has had physical issues for years– adrenal fatigue and thyroid. I remembered something my pastor advised me in marriage counseling: “You have to be willing to blow your penis off with a gun, when you get married.” I began to be able to cope with the reality of loneliness in marriage after I got over my second teenage wasteland. This is just one more way God tests us in life. Our Godless culture makes an idol out of Sex. Jesus said life begins after we die. This life is full of testings, it is not our best life now. So maybe knowing that may make it easier? Developing our relationship with Christ is vital Doing what Romans 12:1,2 says; recommit your life to discipleship, as his grace allows you.

  73. Hello. I have been married 7 years, 6 of which have been sexless. We have both gained weight but I am still very fairly attractive. My husband says he is “too tired” and he does work hard but I see that he has time and energy for other things like cleaning and cooking (he loves to cook and I am not that good at it) I was raised in a cult and not taught very much home ec skills. I just tried to bring it up with him, and he got mad. he is 50 I am 33. We met when he was 43 and I was in my mid 20’s. There is nothing I can do. I do not see our marriage surviving, my needs are not being met and this is a non negotiable. However, I am on disability (for depression and anxiety, SEVERE, from childhood abuse) (not a physical disability that would hinder sex) and cannot afford to leave. I have NO family or friends. Any advice that some of you older and wiser than me I would greatly appreciate. Thank you.

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  75. I am glad to do find this article where couples post their concerns with regard to sexless marriage. I am divorced to the first marriage. In the second I experience that I can not make my second wife happy. The whole problem originate from the first marriage because my former wife was using traditional doctors and I was not aware and she wiched to the extend that she intended to maime me that I must be paraplegic therefore. This condition needs me to consult with traditional healers to help me. The other thing is the invisible animal that troubles me and they can not catch or chase it away. Now my second wife is not happy. There is again the medical terms called SCIATICA AND LUMBER SPINE. If you can search the internet you will find this and understand what I mean. This witchcraft had affected me that way whereby I became somehow less performing in bed. Erection weak and ejaculation unsatisfactory. Thus I regard myself as sexless to my wife. It is painfully and I feel distraught and guilty. I tried and still trying to be active and my wife also is trying to help. Testosterone very low and my movement is bad. I therefo urge all those who are affected by sexless marriage to comfort each other, and remember SUCCESS IS NEVER FINAL, FAILER IS NOT FATAL, IT IS COURAGE THAT COUNTS. I am also trying my best to change my condition. Thanks.

  76. Hi,
    I have found all the Replies here very interesting and eye-opening. My wife and I have been married for 43 years. When we married, I was 28 and she was 21, so you see there is a bit of an age difference. We’ve only had sex with each other, so it was a learning experience for us both. You hear the stories of how couples can’t keep their hands off each other the first year of marriage. I was always tender and gentle making sure I never did anything to hurt her. Things seemed to go well with no issues. Ours was never like that. The first week of marriage, we had sex maybe three times. After that, maybe once or twice a week. Eventually, it went down to once or twice a month. There was one year where we only had sex twice. I know that for a fact because we used condoms as a means of birth control and only two condoms were used in a year’s time. I talked to her about it and it was always the same, her job, the kids, housework, grocery shopping, etc. I did my fair share of helping around the house. I would do laundry, clean house, take care of the kids, help them with homework and cook supper while she was at work and sometimes on weekends. I worked days as a teacher and she worked 4pm to midnight as a waitress 4 or 5 days a week. I even worked summers so she could take less hours. There were times I would get a sitter for 2 or 3 hours so we could go out to dinner or a movie. She was appreciative, but it didn’t change things. I didn’t do it for sex, I just wanted some “us” time so we could talk and get closer. Our sex life stayed pretty much the same, 5 or 6 times a year. I was very frustrated.
    Fast forward to now. I retired 14 years ago, but my wife still works as a kitchen manager in a public school. She’ll be able to retire in two years. One day, I decided to have a discussion of our lack and conversing, having sex and other things. Since we went to church on Saturday, we decided to make Sunday morning our time to talk and make love. I was pretty much satisfied with once a week. As time went on, I started to suffer with ED, but my wife seemed pretty understanding. I talked with my doctor, and he put me on Cialis. Things were good until I was diagnosed with prostate cancer four years ago. It was serious and the nerves that are necessary for erection were cut because the cancer was moving out of the prostate. My urologist prescribed a pump with rubber bands so I could resume sexual activity. Before I go on, I must interject that after I retired, my wife really changed. Even though we still had sex once a week, I felt she was just going through the motions. There was no hugging and kissing except when we had sex. I asked her why and she was angry and jealous that I was retired and she still had to work. I work part time now, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Ok, going on. After practicing with the pump for a month, I asked her one Saturday morning if she’d like to try to have sex the next day. She stared at me for what seemed like several minutes and said, “if you want to” in a disgusted sounding voice. That really upset me. The next morning, I was getting dressed and she said, “I thought you were going to try the pump”. I told her that we’d do it some other time. A week or so later, I brought up that incident. I told her that I was hurt by her attitude. She became very terse and told me I upset her by asking to have sex a day in advance. She said she has a busy schedule and that if I want to have sex on Sunday, I have to let her know on Thursday so she can plan her schedule. I was shocked and felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I was really hurt that “I, her husband”, had to be worked into her schedule. I have offered to take penile injections to make things easier, but it has made no difference. I may be 71, but I still have the desire to make love to my wife. I feel so sad, lonely and empty. No hugging, kissing, hand holding or “I love you” for 4 years. I don’t know what to do anymore. She tells me she me that she loves me. But I tell her that she may love, but she’s not in love with me anymore. She just looks at me and says nothing. I am starving for affection from my wife and don’t know what to do anymore.

  77. I have been in a sexless marriage for the second time for about 5 months. I honestly believe I am being punished like a child. Every time I try to go to my wife and try to resolve whatever that is bothering her. I get “you know what you did.” I honestly don’t know, I would love to know so I could resolve and get on with our lives. I can’t even go to counseling except it is by myself. We went to counselling before but every time she would won’t go back to the church because she believes that everyone is gossiping about our problems or that she is not to blame. I will share that I have found that all the Lord wants from me is to show her unconditional love. I am not called to just receive love from her, but I am called to love my wife if she wants to be sexual or not. That is my one and only lifeline. Please pray for supernatural realization for her to understand the dangers that we as a couple if this continues.

  78. Well i just came a cross this site. No sex since 2005 and she elft the bedroom just before I retired. This was her wayof saying just because you will be around more dont think it will mean more sex. Whats more of nil?
    Religion. We were Jehovah witnesses. I left for reasons small and big. The big ones were the results to your face of the revelations of watchtowers involvement in child abuse and their demonstrated desire to hide this away. Also the watchtower stated that couples should not have oral sex or masturbation. There never a convention where this doesnt get hammered. So many couples or one part of couples decided to avoid any ‘temptation’ they would do nothing, leave the bedroom, no touching, no affection no f*** nothing. such a way of living is against the order of nature and is as well mental cruelty.

  79. Forcing people who don’t want sex to have it or else they will burn in hell is your typical religious right nonsense that will do nothing but drive the spouse who finds sex unpleasant further away from their partner

  80. My husband and I have been married almost 25 years. We have been through hell and back a handful of times due to various things beyond our control for the most part. Sex is a very important part of our relationship and always has been even though it is very difficult for me to orgasm. We have done all the things, counseling, doctors, experimentation etc. As it stands, it is a physical issue. Just a mistake in the womb where my clitoris grew too far away from my vagina combined with low testosterone which can’t be treated due to another inherited medical problem. We have adapted and though not ideal, I am able to use a vibrator during sex and orgasm most of the time either during or after. My problem is that I also have an untreated mental health problem. The reason it is untreated is that on them, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to orgasm any way whatsoever. Not alone, not with him, not with a toy, not from oral. So they say lower the dose. Didn’t work. Switch drugs. Add drugs. Nothing. Take a drug holiday to schedule sex. Doesn’t work because it takes about 8 weeks to regain feeling. Now, my husband says he cannot deal with me being untreated…the sadness, the wishing I were dead, the disinterest in life and family. He wants me on the medication. I am afraid that the lack of sex would kill our marriage. The worst part was that I was able to be aroused and want to climax but because it blocks the orgasm, it leaves you with that unpleasant anxiety that makes your skin crawl all night. He didn’t enjoy it and I felt like a receptacle and became resentful because sex was something that just left me hanging, and I’m not going through that again. I feel like I have 2 choices. Medicate and we both have to suffer through a sexless marriage or stay unmedicated and deal with the highs and lows of mental illness. To the people who suggest trying different drugs, I have done them. Wellbutrin works for some people to counteract the mood stabilizers but it did not work for me. Wellbutrin alone has not worked at all and in fact made me worse mentally. I think because I was already broken in that department, any amount of decrease in sensation is insurmountable. So what do I do?

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