#3 of 2011: Have Sex…Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Today’s post on the 2011 countdown, while one of the most read of the year, has also proven to be the most controversial to make the list. The reason? It seems that people regard my advice for wives to say “yes” to sex more as the equivalent to endorsing rape. I kid you not.

Some time ago, this post made its way on to a number of athesits blogs. I happen to read the comments on these particular blogs and people legititametly said I was promoting the act of rape against women. Astonishing.

Really, this post is all about encouraging women to engage in marital sex more, even when conditions aren’t right or they are tired because in doing so, you will bless your husband and your marriage. If you’re interested, read the comments on the original post too. They are passionate, in both support and opposition.


Have Sex…Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Having sex in marriage is important. Necessary. Crucial.

Women need sex to feel emotionally connected. Men need sex to feel loved and desirable.

But as most married women will tell you, marriage sure slows down the frequency of sex and sexual mood. Whether it be long work days, stress, children, or other daily distraction–a woman’s sexual impulse can be sucked right out.

All too often in marriage, women find themselves saying “no” to sex much more than “yes.” There is even the mythical male who turns down sex with his wife… a very rare breed, indeed.

I have heard it said before that women should just go ahead and have sex, even when they don’t feel like it. I agree with that sentiment and here’s why:

I know some people might think this idea sounds downright archaic and misogynistic. But, here I am–a modern woman–telling other women to just get busy, even when the urge isn’t there.

Reason being, marriage convinced me of the male need for sex. Dennis Prager has discussed this topic on his radio show quite frequently. He refers to women pulling the old famous sex shutdown line: “I don’t feel like it.” His response to that excuse makes me smile. To paraphrase him:

In life there are countless things we have to do each day, even though we “don’t feel like it.” We go to work, pay our bills, call that one annoying guy, get to bed at a reasonable hour, even though we don’t necessarily feel like it. Why should sex be any different?

Women have somehow hijacked sex and planted this notion in their minds that sex is always suppose to be romantic, or glamorous, or that they must be totally 100% “in the mood” in order to have it. If these prerequisites aren’t met, well then, no sex.

I took a pre-marriage class with my husband and one of the week’s topics was sex in marriage. A sex expert (such a cool job title by the way) and counselor taught us that, on average, men need sex 2 to 3 times per week–not want sex twice a week, but actually need sex (you’re welcome gentlemen. I’m spreading the word).

For men, sex is a stress release, a wanted distraction from their busy lives and responsibilities. It is also how they feel loved from their wives, which, if you ask me, is sorta important.

On day 13 of turning down your husband, men don’t only feel pent-up stress, but they also begin to feel unloved and undesirable.

My friend Carrington just wrote a post challenging women to say “yes” to sex more. I have practiced this and, let me just tell you that it makes a difference in my marriage. The hubster and I have better quality and more frequent sex now than ever (too much detail? Sorry, hope you’re not blushing).

If I’m not up for being intimate in that exact moment–usually 11:00 o’clock at night after a day of being covered in toddler slime, then I will reschedule for another time. Which is a reminder to men–timing is important. Don’t ask her at the end of a very long, tiring day. Ask her when she feels most in the mood, when the iron is hot, so to speak. For more tips, gentlemen, on improving your sex life, check out this post.

Ladies, commit to trying to say “yes” at least three times in a row. Set the mood. Take a shower. Pray. Lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes away from little ones (I highly recommend this one). Do whatever you need to do to say “yes.”

The more I go ahead and have sex, even when I don’t feel in the mood, the more God has actually blessed our sex life. And guess what, when I say “yes” more, I’m much more apt to get “in the mood” faster, too. In fact, I have the “I’m not in the mood” thought run through my mind rarely these days.

So, when he asks, pounce on him. Or heck, don’t wait for him to ask… pounce first, ask questions later.

Do you agree or disagree? Do you think women should say “yes” even when they might not be in the mood? Have you practiced this?  What has made a difference in your married sex life?

#4 of 2011: Top 10 Christian Phrases I Never Want to Hear Again

I find this post to be just plain fun. However, a lot of people, to my surprise, found this post to be insulting, mean, even spiteful. But again, I argue that if Christians can’t laugh at ourselves, what’s the point?

Are we trying to be perfect or trying to follow Christ, who is Perfect? The former borders on legalism, while the latter should entail freedom. And freedom, in my opinion, also means being able to realistically evaluate ourselves, and even make some jokes while we do it.

But, you decide. Got any Christian phrases you would add to the list?


The Top 10 Christian Phrases I Never Want to Hear Again

Some of you may remember the phrases I never want to hear again, like “git ‘er done” and “I’m just sayin’.” This time, I’m picking on Christians (since I am one and all).

I’m just gonna say it–Christians say some stupid things. We think we are being spiritual, Godly, helpful, wise, encouraging, but really we are sticking our big stinky feet in our big open mouth.

There are quite a few phrases within the Church that irk me. I’m guessing you feel the same. Here are the Top 10 Christians phrases I never want to hear again…starting with…

1. “Guard your heart.” Yes, this phrase is scriptural and comes from Proverbs 4:23. I have usually heard this snippet of scripture  used in reference to a dating relationship. One girl would pray for another, something like this: “Lord please help her ‘guard her heart’ in this relationship with this particular boy…” What they really want to pray and what they really should pray is: “Lord, help her be sexually pure and stay out of bed in this relationship with this particular boy…” Just pray what you mean.

2. “I’ll pray for you.” Okay, this one is tricky, because I don’t want to judge. I want to believe that, when someone says they will pray for you, that will actually pray. I suspect, however, that all too often Christians throw this phrase out as a nice-ism to either make someone feel better or because they don’t know what else to say.

Side note: I take this phrase very seriously and I want you to know that when I say that I will pray for you on this blog, that I actually will.

3.  “Quiet time.” I’m going to be honest–I despise this phrase. It does not exist in the Bible (the concept does on some level, perhaps), yet we throw this around like law. Did you have your “quiet time?” Don’t forget  your “quiet time.” It goes on and on. How about setting aside time to be quiet before the Lord, yes, but also meeting with Him in the loud times, the crazy times, the exhausting times–basically throughout your day and throughout your life?

4. “I don’t feel led.” This is another time when you just need to say what you mean. More often than not, it’s not that we “don’t feel led,” but rather, we just don’t want to. Instead of being honest, we blame God, as if He was directing us elsewhere.

5. “It was the Lord’s will…” when something fails. Again, this is not always the case, but I have witnessed this phrase become a catch-all to excuse irresponsibility or sin. Perhaps a ministry, or church, or (worst of all) a marriage failed because responsible parties allowed it to fail. Perhaps it really wasn’t “the Lord’s will.”

6. “Hedge of protection.” I honestly don’t even know where this came from or why people pray it. I have caught myself start to pray it, as well, and I stop in my tracks. It’s just a silly Christian-ism. Again, pray what you mean.

7. “Walk with the Lord.” I don’t dislike this phrase, so much as I think it has become trite. More than that, we say this in front of unbelievers constantly and they must be thinking, “What the what?”

8. “Invite Jesus into your heart.” Again, I don’t despise this Christian-ism, however, I think besides not being entirely scriptural, it fails to communicate the fact that a life devoted unto Christ is the goal–total surrender, nothing less.

9. “Sinner’s prayer” or “Prayer of salvation.” This phrase is not Biblical. God reaches us all differently. Author Anne Lamott, knowing Jesus was calling her, just said out loud one day, “Ah, f*^k it.” That was the moment of her conversion, making Christ Lord. It ain’t pretty, but it’s reality.

10. “Jesus loves you.” It is completely 100% true. He does love you…and me.  A bumper sticker isn’t the way to communicate His love, however. Action is.

I know you have some to add and I can’t wait to hear them! What Christian phrases do you hope to never hear again? What Christian-isms really irk you?

#5 of 2011: The Single Christian Woman: Blessed or Doomed

Today’s post on the 2011 countdown is one that I am personally very passionate about. I have always wondered why the Church, as a whole, tends to elevate marriage meanwhile leaving many unmarried people, especially woman, feeling forgotten.

I started to wonder, can you be a woman in love with Jesus and never be married? Will you live a fulfilled life? Today’s post attempted to answer those questions. I have since had countless woman comment and email me regarding this post, pouring their hearts out in confession and frustration at either the way the Church treats singles, the fact that they are still single, or both.


The Single Christian Woman: Blessed or Doomed?

I did not grow up in the Church. I mean, I went to church occasionally, but I was not surrounded by a community of believers. I was, therefore, not exposed to the Christian phenomena of the “Proverbs 31 woman” until much later.

It seems that, for many young Christian women, the ideal placed before them is a woman who looks like this: She is Godly, yes, but perhaps more importantly she is married, with 3.4 children, stays home to tend to the needs of her family, and bakes loaves of bread and apple pies for kicks.

This is a nice picture–a lovely one, in fact–but is this God’s only picture of a Jesus-loving woman? Can a Christian woman be seen as Godly without having children or without <gasp!> being married? Is the single Christian woman blessed or doomed?

There are quite a few singleton women in the Bible. It’s enough having to defend the position that Christ was, in fact, a feminist in a very real sense of the word. He loved (and loves) women, I am convinced.

One thing is clear, however: women are not men and often serve very different roles, as a result. Many of the most notable single women in scripture were the women who helped fund and support Christ’s very own ministry. There are also a few women recognized for helping to support Paul and the early Church movement in The Book of Acts. Here is a pretty good list, if you’re interested.

Take, for example, the rather famous Mary Magdalene. She is mentioned in Matthew 27, Mark 16, and John 19, among a few other references. It is believed that she was the woman from whom Jesus cast out demons. She then became a devoted Christ-follower and began financially supporting His ministry.

However, the key piece of information about Mary Magdalene, in my opinion, was the fact that she was the first person Christ revealed Himself to following His resurrection. He could have shown Himself to Peter, or James, or John, but He didn’t. He chose Mary.

He gave her an exceedingly important task: entrusting her with the message that the Messiah was indeed risen! I don’t think this can be overstated. Christ chose a single woman, unmarried, who had no children (that we know of) to tell His disciples that would forever revolutionize the world–Jesus had risen!

The reality is, God does value family and marriage, but nowhere in scripture does He make it a command to marry (except to the rare few like Hosea). On the flip side, we also know from the Apostle Paul that, at least in his opinion (which, um, ain’t a bad opinion), the single life affords individuals many more opportunities to serve Christ.

Christian women are taught to idealize and admire the Proverbs 31 woman and, hey, I get it. She is pretty awesome. She is not, however, the only example of a Godly woman in the Bible. A single Christian woman can have just as much impact in God’s Kingdom. We don’t view single Christian men as less-than, so why do we sometimes treat our sisters as such?

Likewise, women can marry and choose to not have children. I know in some circles this idea is sacrilegious, but again, while children are seen as a blessing in scripture, they are not a command or requirement. You can be a “good Christian wife” and not have children. You are not doomed.

Instead, we should be offering our sisters grace, not condemnation, for choosing to be single or choosing to not have children. We should have a right understanding of scripture, too, knowing that marriage is not the ultimate goal, nor children the ultimate prize. A life devoted unto Christ, loving Him and loving others–that is the prize–Him and Him alone.

Today’s post was inspired by the comments from last week’s Questions for God (yup, you Kristin). You can read them here.

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#7 of 2011: Top 5 Lies Christians Believe

Today’s post is # 7 on the countdown of the Top 10 posts of 2011 on Modern Reject. I happen to really love this pot, only because I think it says so much in such a limited amount of space.

I also love this post because I am passionate about busting myths and lies. I find such freedom and power in exposing lies for what they are and encouraging people to walk in Truth. Turns out, you all feel much the same way, and as a result, helped make this post one of the favorites in 2011.


Top 5 Lies Christians Believe

The apostle Paul wrote:

“For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.” 2 Timothy 4:3-4

We are all susceptible to believing lies at any given time. The world is magical at presenting it’s counterfeit products as the genuine article. One would assume that because Christians are followers of the Truth, that we would be less susceptible to such lies.

The real truth however, is that Christians believe many lies. We sometimes don’t even realize that they are lies because they are wrapped up so nicely with what appears to be a “Bible bow”.

There are hundreds of lies Christians believe, either collectively or individually. I chose these 5 lies because I have personally seen them infiltrate the Church, the lives of my friends and family and my own life. Here are the Top 5 Lies Christians Believe (according to me): Continue reading #7 of 2011: Top 5 Lies Christians Believe

#8 of 2011: 10 Ways to Tell if You’re a Snob

I have to admit that when I began tallying up the Top 10 posts of 2011 on Modern Reject, I was a bit surprised to see this one in the running. I mean, I suppose I shouldn’t be because lots of people suspect they are snobs and were happy to finally have found a definitive answer.

Joking aside, this post, just like #9, gathered a lot of steam over time. Whenever I re-read this one, it still makes me smile. Why? Because I am completely a snob. Are you? Read on to find out…


10 Ways to Tell if You are a Snob

I’m a snob. I admit it. I dabble in snobbery. I know it’s not always the best course of action and can often lead to awkward social situations and even hurt feelings.

My intentions are never to hurt anyone’s feelings. Truly. I just happen to be particular. I prefer things a certain ways. I have opinions on just about everything, from the clothes people wear (or I wear), to movies, trends,  and politics. I’m a bit of a church snob too, in that, I know what I like and don’t like in  a church, for example.

What some people would call snobbery, I call being opinionated and stating one’s preference. And as long as it is done so with an air of humility and with the understanding that you can’t take anything too seriously, I say bring on the snob.

Now you might be asking yourself…”Am I a snob too?” “How would I know?” “What does a snob look like?”

Well here are 10 ways too tell if you too might be a bit of a snob…(go ahead, I know you’re curious) Continue reading #8 of 2011: 10 Ways to Tell if You’re a Snob

#9 of 2011: What is Discipleship?

Today is # 9 on the countdown of the Top 10 posts of 2011 here on Modern Reject. What is Discipleship? has had a bit of a surprising and slow burn. It didn’t garner too many comments the first time around. Nor did it blow up via social media avenues. It did, however, produce a ton of slow and steady search traffic.

Turns out, people are really interested in understanding this whole concept of discipleship and what it looks like. Discipleship is very near and dear to my heart. I am passionate about it, in fact. So it brings a huge smile to my face to know so many others are attempting to figure out how to disciple, as well.


What is Discipleship?

What comes to mind when you think of Jesus Christ’s core ministry? Do you picture Him healing the sick and raising the dead? Do you imagine Him traveling form town to town preaching? Or standing on the Mount and proclaiming what would become the beatitudes?

The ministry of Jesus certainly included all of these things. However, I would argue that His core ministry–the example He left us with to follow–was something even more amazing. Sadly, it’s also something many of us simply disregard and fail to practice… Continue reading #9 of 2011: What is Discipleship?

Top 10 of 2011: The Cross vs. The Ladder

So here we are, just days away from 2012, and man, what a year 2011 has proven to be. I had a baby, began my hopefully-future speaking career, watched my husband continue to grow his amazing business, and so much more.

One of the best parts of 2011, has been this blog and all of you. I wanted to wrap up the year nicely, and then I saw an idea from Jon Acuff. Well, I stole his idea (he stole it from Tony Morgan, so we’re even Steven).

For the last days of December, I’ll be sharing the Top 10 Modern Reject Posts of 2011. This will perhaps be a chance for you to discover something new, comment on a post the second time around, or even re-read a post with fresh eyes and perspective.

So without further ado, here is #10 on the countdown (This post happens to be my husband’s favorite post of everything I’ve ever written).


The Cross vs. The Ladder.

I can do all things…

I can do all things…

I have whispered these words to myself. I have held them close and allowed them to blanket me. I can do all things. Me. He is somehow not in the equation.

If I just read enough. If I just devote myself enough to His teachings. If I just push through one more time, then…then I can do. I can accomplish. I can succeed.

I look to the cross and see the work He has done, but I am working, too–striving, pushing, pulling. I can look to the cross, except as I squint my eyes under the pressure of succeeding, as I furrow my brow under the weight I have placed on my own back, the cross looks less and less like a cross. It resembles something quite different…

His cross becomes my ladder.

I strain and I push harder to grasp onto each wrung and pull myself upward. I can do all things…

I slip. I fall. I catch myself again and start all over. His words are so gracious and kind and He whispers softly to me…

Nicole, My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Light and easy. Not heavy and difficult. Not painful and purposeless.

I want so badly to stop climbing. I desperately want to just rest at His feet, touch the hem of His garment, allow Him to meet my need, but I can’t. Or I don’t. Or I won’t.

I reason and convince myself that I am still doing His will. I am still performing as I should. I am not sinning. I am striving.

Yet, as my arms grow weary from climbing, as the length of the ladder stretches higher and higher above me, I begin to see the futility in my endeavor.

I see the foolishness in my efforts. I am exhausted. I am wretched. I can climb no longer…and I weep.

I weep over the time lost being in His presence for the substitution of trying to be.

I weep for my sin, not because I was exposed, but because I have once again forgotten my Lord.

And as the tears fall, and my vision is clouded, I look up once again. Through my misty eyes, my ladder no longer resembles a ladder, but begins to take on its original shape…

Christ’s cross.

I focus on the figure. The shape that held Him there. My sin that placed Him there…

…and I repent.

I repent for…

striving versus submitting…

climbing versus clinging to Him…

seeking success versus practicing surrender…

desiring achievement versus acknowledging the One True God.

I climb down from my ladder and look to His cross. I hear those familiar words: “I can do all things…through Him who strengthens me.” Through Him. Him. He alone.

For what do you strive versus submit to Him? Personally, what causes His cross to resemble your ladder? What heavy burden do you carry that you know Jesus wants to take?


Friday Findings: Pretty Pictures and Fighting Cancer

Frieday Findings on Modern RejectFriday, sweet Friday, it felt as though you would never get here this week. And I’m so thankful you’re here now.

Can you believe that this time next week we’ll be overdosed on tryptophan and cranberries (just the way I like it). But until then, I’m holding off on entering the holiday season as long as possible. So today’s Friday Findings are holiday-free. First up…

Piccsy. How did I not know about you? You are like a long lost cousin to Pinterest, only much sexier and better looking. Oh, and British.

Piccsy represents mankind. It is all of the emotion, the beauty, the wild, the valor, the humanity, the hatred, in pictures. Crude, beautiful, delightful, whimsical, and even painful photos. It is our good ideas, our funny ideas, and our terrible ideas.

It is a montage of human life and I am hooked.

Beautiful packaging. Now maybe you’re not like me in this, but I sure do appreciate some nicely packaged product. The weirder or more clever, the better. Then I found this list of 30 Bizarre and Creative Packaging Design examples the other day and was psyched to peruse the examples shown. There is some genius to be seen.

My favorite read(s) of the week. From Theology 21, Mannequin Nipples And Erotomania: Rethinking Consumer Culture (yes, that’s really what it’s about) From The Resurgence, Homemade People, about the importance of our homes.

Young and battling cancer. You may have seen the movie 50/50 recently about a young man in his twenties diagnosed with cancer. Well, turns out my husband and I know someone who is currently facing the same thing. Billy Price a.k.a William Price III is a friend of ours and was recently diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. He is 28.

Billy loves Jesus. He trusts God and this is how much…he tweeted this last month to announce the news:

Yesterday I was diagnosed w/ Hodgkins Lymphoma. It’s a very treatable cancer. I’m feeling great & by the grace of God we’ll kick its ass.

Billy is now blogging about this turn of events. His blog isn’t all cancer talk. It is also humor, politics, love, life…Start reading. You won’t regret it.

So where did this week take you? Read anything great? Find anything new? Got any recommendation for me? Let’s hear it.


Go On, Ask Me Anything…

Since I started writing here on Modern Reject, I’ve had the great privilege of answering many of your questions. Granted, I’m not always sure of the answers. Many times I don’t know exactly what to say, but still you ask…and still I’m honored to respond.

So today, you get to ask me all of your burning questions. You can ask anything. That’s right anything (well, don’t get creepy or turn into that guy).

Do you have blogging questions? Want to know something personal about me? Wondering why I write about this and not that or where I  stand on a theological point? Do you have a question about marriage, sex, or dating? I’m all ears. Just ask!

My promise it too that if you ask the question in the comments, I will answer you. Cross my heart. But here’s the catch: you have to answer the question too. So go for it because, I can’t wait to read your questions…


Continue reading Go On, Ask Me Anything…

GIVEAWAY: $50 Amazon Giftcard and a Whole Lot More

******This Giveaway is Now Closed*******

Welcome to Modern Reject 2.1. My beautiful blog just got a whole lot prettier with a new face-lift. You may be thinking pish-posh, she didn’t need it, but au contraire.

The new and improved version of Modern Reject is full of fanciness that will actually improve your experience. The navigation is easier to use, which means you’ll be able to find what you are looking for faster. The new sidebar, for example, now lets you find posts by subject like sex, marriage, church, lists, and other topics.

“What else,” you ask? Well, let me tell you. You can also subscribe much more easily to Modern Reject. Say you don’t want every post in your email or RSS (but I gotta ask, why wouldn’t you?) you can subscribe to a specific category, like Culture or It’s Love. Simple and cool.

Perhaps you are much like I used to be, however, and you are unsure what this whole “subscribe” business means. It allows you to never miss a Modern Reject post. You can choose to subscribe via email, which would bring posts right to your inbox. Spiffy, huh? Or you can use an RSS reader, like Google Reader (my preferred choice), which lets you read many different blogs in one place. Also very cool.

To subscribe via email, all you need to do is enter your email in the box up at the top of every page that reads: Get my emails. Easy peasy.

And, if you’re a mobile junkie like me and, say, you prefer to visit Modern Reject on your phone, well the times are a changin’. There is (finally!) a very nice mobile version of Modern Reject. You can even post and respond to comments from your phone.

Now, as you can read, I’m quite excited about the new Modern Reject look and, as a result, I thought I’d throw a little party–the first ever giveaway on Modern Reject! Woot!

So what’s behind door #4? Let me tell ya. I’m giving away some cool stuff… Continue reading GIVEAWAY: $50 Amazon Giftcard and a Whole Lot More