Vanishing Men

This last week, two posts of mine–Christian Women and the S-Word and Have Sex Even When You Don’t Feel Like It--produced some rather angry, snarky, and downright rude comments. All of these comments, surprisingly, were from men.

Huh, go figure. It wasn’t women telling me that I am sexist, perverse, or sending women back into the dark ages. It was a bunch of dudes.

One person left perhaps the most hateful comments I have ever received on Modern Reject:

“you are the most perverse and sick brains i have ever heard. Why you don’t open a whorehouse that serves every men without payment. You are the evidence what religion are made for : women hate and sadisme [sic]. Thanks you for be so honest, you can’t be sicker than that”

Barring the obvious and painful grammatical errors, this comment actually made me laugh out loud. Usually, I don’t laugh. Usually I get my feathers ruffled and find myself wearing a big fat “I’m offended” sign around my neck.

But not this time. This time, the misunderstanding of my post was so glaringly obvious that all I could do was chuckle. There have been other comments, including this one: “You are not a positive role-model for women.” This one stung a little, I admit.

However, this string of comments from men got me thinking. For one thing, where were all the angry women, up in arms, declaring me to be an ignorant, sex-slave, zombie–barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?

Secondly, what were these men so scared of really? Why is the idea of a submissive woman so offensive to them?

Sure, when we hear the word “submissive” we think of a woman perhaps battered and beaten by her husband. We think of a woman with no voice, mind, or freedom.

Yet, the posts I wrote, I do not think I display such a woman. They display, well, me and my own marriage. Anyone who has spent more than five minutes on Modern Reject knows that I am not lacking in voice, mind, or freedom. Needless to say, my husband is my biggest supporter and blog fan.

As I pondered why these men were so threatened by my posts, I could come to only one conclusion: The idea of a submissive wife is only threatening to a man who does not know how to lead.

These days, women are so used to wearing the pants that the concept of male leadership has nearly vanished entirely from our culture. The misconceived notion of equality has quietly–and not so quietly–taken its place.

Where the roles of men and women were once clearly defined (and, no doubt, abused by men throughout history), today, those lines are blurred, if not completely erased. So, why would a man desire a woman who relishes her God-given role as such, when he himself doesn’t know how to be a man?

When men are told they are just like women and women are told they are just like men, the concept of the Christian marriage is seen as archaic and perverse–built upon sexism and masochism–instead of self-sacrificing love and humility.

I miss men. They seem to be vanishing into thin air. Instead of men leading their homes, they are hell-bent on telling me that I’m no role model for women. Well, exactly what kind of role model for men are we creating?

My rambling aside, do you agree or disagree? Why do you think men were more quick to call me names and disagree than women? How can the Church better teach and demonstrate the concept of submission?

image props

48 thoughts on “Vanishing Men”

  1. Interestingly, I think that dude himself is a very religious dude who probably sees sex as a dirty word and something that he hasn’t experienced in the freedom that God provides. He may or may not be the type of guy who highlights his bible with all things “heavenly” and sharpies all texts written about submission, freedom, sex and the marriage bed.

    I always say, the moment people start leaving hate comments on your blog you made it big. Congrats Nicole. You are a big time blogger. Keep doing what you are doing. The haters will always… well, hate!

    1. Moe,

      I think he’s just a weenie. A typical, religious, legalistic weenie who is scared of God and hasn’t a clue as to how to be a son.


      He needs someone to walk with him as Paul walked with Timothy, and relieve him of his ‘handcuff theology’.

    2. Moe,
      You could be correct about this guy, who knows. You touched on something my father-in-law often says (that will probably become a future post for me) which is that people like to take a big black magic marker to the Word and cross out that which they find contradictory, uncomfortable, or difficult.

      At any rate, thank you for the encouragement. Hate comments=success. he he…

  2. I personally appreciated both your original post and this one!!

    Interesting indeed that the Men were offended. My personal experience has been that there is A WHOLE lot of sex addiction, secret porn watching, secret affairs and all around dark secret lives in the Church and in Christian marriage. This is a growing concern and not a surprise to anyone who is active in church life. We all know the fallen pastor, worship leader and all around ‘good guy’ who got caught. What your (Biblical and Godly) views do is take away the excuses these men use to act out. These behaviors are usually justified by blame placing and a ‘victim’ role. When Godly women approach these issues regarding sex with, as you put it “self-sacrificeing love and humility”, this is a problem for the man who doesn’t want to face his OWN issues and take responsibility for his own sin.

    btw… I have found it typical (and predictable) for people to make accusations about things they are the most ashamed of in their own lives.

    1. Jaynee,

      You said:
      “This is a growing concern and not a surprise to anyone who is active in church life.”


      “Church life” is NOT Kingdom Life. Someday we all will grasp this and things will be different, this side of Heaven.

      Nicely said, Jaynee. You nailed it.

    2. As the APA points out, there is no such thing as Sex Addiction, which is why the term is not present in either the DSM-IV or in the prototype working papers for the DSM-V.
      It’s a religious illusion.

  3. “As I pondered why these men were so threatened by my posts, I could come to only one conclusion: The idea of a submissive wife is only threatening to a man who does not know how to lead.”

    The head of every MAN is Christ. No Christ, no manhood. Simple.

    My masculinity, my manhood, my manliness is rooted in the fact that as a child and as a son I have willingly submitted myself to my Father and He is teaching me, daily, how to be a father by first learning to be a son.

    This affects every area of my life, be it financial, emotional, spiritual, familial, etc. To seek to separate me from the man my Father sees me as is akin to trying to unscramble scrambled eggs.

    Having said all that, I find it painfully obvious and blatantly apparent that men, *ahem*, are a sorely lacking commodity in today’s church and in The World as a whole.

    Your hate comments, as Moe said, only affirm that you have made it. Congratulations!! :)

    You are aiming for the cheap seats with these postings, Nicole. Home runs, each and every one of them.

    If only more women would walk as you walk and more men would simply BE men…

    1. Donald,
      Well said. I of course agree with you that the church and the world is failing at producing men. Men are in short supply and the effects are disastrous.

      I love the simplicity with which you addressed this phenomena: No Christ, no manhood.

      SO true….

  4. I personally appreciated both your original post and this one!!

    Interesting indeed that the Men were offended. My personal experience has been that there is A WHOLE lot of sex addiction, secret porn watching, secret affairs and all around dark secret lives in the Church and in Christian marriage. This is a growing concern and not a surprise to anyone who is active in church life. We all know the fallen pastor, worship leader and all around ‘good guy’ who got caught. What your (Biblical and Godly) views do is take away the excuses these men use to act out. These behaviors are usually justified by blame placing and a ‘victim’ role. When Godly women approach these issues regarding sex with, as you put it “self-sacrificing love and humility”, this is a problem for the man who doesn’t want to face his OWN issues and take responsibility for his own sin.

    btw… I have found it typical (and predictable) for people to make accusations about things they are the most ashamed of in their own lives.

    1. Jaynee,
      I think you bring up some great points. I agree that I have often seen anger occur as a response to someone own hidden sin or shame. We can only speculate as to the motivation behind the comments left on my blog, but it definitely an interesting perspective.

      Thank you for the comment!

  5. Amen! Perfect response Nicole, so right on.

    Also? I was encouraged by these comments for you and your blog sake. It means that non-believers are reading your blog (awesome), and it means that you are talking about real issues, things people want to talk about, need to learn about, etc… and I also think that it means that you are making a huge difference here with your blog, and that means you are ripe for opposition and attack. To me-it means you are doing everything right- you go girl!

    As far as the male commentors, I don’t need them to speak for me as a women, I can do it for myself. Choices to submit to my husband, to sacrifice to my husband are choices that I MAKE, and are not ones forced on me, or ones that are made because I was some how brainwashed or manipulated. I not only want to obey God, but I also see the value in His design, and how it helps give me exactly what I want- a great marriage. Sure, I am blessed to have the right to say no, to not submit, to not love- and I am so happy I do (and my husband respects those rights), but by choosing myself over my marriage, for insisting my rights matter more then him, and more then our marriage, what does that give me? A better marriage? No. Just the ability to feel like I had my rights! YAY! (Not!)

    Also, when I do things that I don’t feel like doing (submitting, loving, sex, etc…) I CHOOSE into the experience. I serve with a servants heart, I love him genuinely, I GET IN THE MOOD. I don’t pretend to love him, and I don’t lay there in our bed to be used by him and “get it over with”.

    If anything, I have more power and more control then many women before me, and many women around the world that live in places that are abusive, as well as many women that don’t understand this concept and fail to have loving and successful relationships. I have a husband that loves the Lord, and loves and respects me. I live in a country where my rights are respected, and I am allowed to make choices that better my marriage and make my husband, and myself better.

    I hope that I can raise my son to be a leader, to respect women and their rights, and to find a woman that respects him and loves him right back.

  6. I agree that its scary how many men are refusing to lead their homes. When did leading become a bad thing… in the office everyone is queuing up for leadership training and mentorship programs but sadly refuse to take that simple, logic truth back home with them.

    Even my friends whose wives clearly submit to them are visibly shaken and respond with “why must someone be in charge” or “my wife has her own mind” when the issue of husbands being responsible for the family is discussed.

    I am the head of my home, i.e. the buck stops with me, yet that does not diminish my wife in anyway – rather in making household decisions her opinion, support and prayers are pivotal to me leading effectively.

    I often tell her that without her I would be ‘less than’.

    As much as she is expected to submit it is incumbent on me to create and maintain an environment where she feels safe enough to trust me to make the tough calls.

  7. Agree.

    I think the church fails to teach both halves of the coin at the same time. In order to make this work, you have to teach men to be leaders at the same time you suggest to women that they might want to choose a lifestyle of submission. We (perhaps) shy away from proactively teaching men to be dominant, for fear that the teaching will be instantly abused. Really, though, you can’t have submission without dominance. It’s difficult to submit to a weak man who has no clue and refuses to lead.

    Dominance just has to be done correctly and graciously and in love, not brutally or arrogantly. In various churches I’ve been part of, I’ve heard a lot of teaching in regard to husbands being servants, and helping more around the house, but not actually in regard to them being proactive leaders.

    Having a wife submit to you does create a lot of extra work and responsibility for a husband, if he takes his role seriously. Suddenly he has to plan ahead and be accountable for his decisions. He might even need to stop and ask for directions. Many husbands (I suspect) are glad to allow their wives to lead – then fewer things end up being the husband’s fault.

    Years ago I came up with the hypothesis that the women’s movement had to have been started by a man. I suspect that the sexual revolution and the women’s movement were part and parcel of the same idea. Consider the fact that in the old days, before the women’s movement, if a man wanted sex he had to marry the woman and promise to care for her and her offspring for the rest of his life. Today, since women are equal, that requirement no longer exists. Men get to be as promiscuous as they like, and there is far less of a tendency to hold them accountable. Women get the short end of the stick in that scenario. Thus, my theory that the women’s movement was actually a scam designed to allow men to shirk their responsibility.

    If the women’s movement wanted to exist for the purpose of holding men accountable for their offspring and for being good leaders, it would be a far more useful thing, but that rarely seems to be the case. Rather, it seems to merely further emasculate men, causing this to be a dysfunctional cycle – men feel less and less empowered to lead, so they more and more shirk their God-given responsibilities.

    1. Ed,
      Such fascinating points you made. I’m not sure who initiated the women’s movement, but your theory certainly has merit.

      Regardless, the masculinization of women has created the emasculation of men. Both sides are confused as to what their roles should be. You are so right too in stating that is has become a “dysfunctional cycle.”

      Women attempt to lead because men no longer no how to. In women leading, however, I find that many are dissatisfied and resentful. They actually secretly want their men to lead. However, the world has told them not to let this happen and them men couldn’t if they wanted.

      Ed, thank you for adding such thoughtful insights to this discussion.

  8. As soon as I started reading this, that’s exactly what popped into my head. Men today are afraid to really man up and be the head of the household. The misconceptions about the “s” word and what a true Christian marriage should be are rampant. Great response.

  9. As much as I hesitate to reply, seeing that I felt totally stomped on by the last time I tried, I still want to high five you.
    Frankly, I think the dark ages weren’t so bad. I’ve said it to you before … what was so WRONG with the 1950’s?
    I really, really wish I had a real man to lead me, to allow me to be submissive and not in fear. I also agree with another commenter that churches are not teaching both sides of the coin. No one is really teaching our men to be the leaders. It’s a sad, lonely situation.
    Excellent job.

    1. Ade,
      I so admire your willingness to confess a longing for a time like the 1950’s, when men were men and women were women. I say this while still appreciating and taking advantage of the progress women have made in society since then.

      Yet, I too long for a time like that…All I can do now is write this blog and raise my son (and potentially the child I’m carrying if it turns out to be a boy) to be followers pf Christ, devoted to Him, serving in humility and love, and leading just the same.

    2. What was so wrong with the 1950s?? Oh I don’t know, maybe the fact that if a man so desired he could beat & rape his wife as much as he liked, & usually get away with doing it, because women’s rights (that I notice people on this blog scorn) weren’t taken seriously? I suspect that ‘submitting’ & being ‘led’ wouldn’t be half so attractive to you if you didn’t have the bodily autonomy & right (that you seem to think is unnecessary) to choose it, but instead had it forced upon you by society & your violent, dominating husband.

      1. Melissa,

        at first I thought I needed to respond to you in great sympathy, sensitive to your obvious personal hurt. But as I re-read your comments a couple of times more, I came to a different conclusion which, I confess, might be totally wrong. So please forgive me if my analysis is incorrect. But here’s what I think now:

        You are not in a violent relationship. You never were. You have taken a women’s studies class (or three) taught by an angry woman who has taken someone’s very real painful story and expanded it to be a characterization of marriage in a male-led home.

        No doubt, this experience has been shared by far too many women. But this is not the norm. Most men do not take women to beat them, but to care for them. The concept of marital “rape” was entirely unknown until recently. Should a man be sensitive to his wife and her physical and emotional needs? Absolutely. But is it rape if a husband wants to have sex and his wife doesn’t feel like it? No.

        You are very adamant about rights. Well, the truth is, both men and women give up their rights which they held as independent single people when they agree to give up singleness in order to obtain oneness with another person. The two become one. There is no more mine and yours, but ours. This is not “forced upon you by society & your violent, dominating husband” but is an unselfish act entered into by those who want to experience the fulness of a love relationship with trust and goodwill. A woman should never consider marrying a violent and dominating man. That would be the pinnacle of foolishness. And nobody is going to force that on anyone, Melissa.

        1. I have never been in a violent relationship or taken womens studies. I just happen to think its creepy & wrong to want to have sex that isn’t mutally desired. How could you want to have sex with a partner who doesn’t want it? And what is rape but sexual contact with someone who doesn’t feel like it? Coercing & pressuring someone to have intercourse when they don’t want to, is rape. Is that what gets you off, cupcake? And regards women not being forced by society to accept such things as domestic violence & marital rape – I was speaking to Ade about the 1950s she wishes she lived in, in which domestic violence & marital rape WERE overlooked. Women in past decades have had very little recourse regards abuse perpetrated upon them by their husbands. As you said cupcake, marital rape wasn’t even a crime until relatively recently. Thanks for proving my point. And you do realise violent men generally hide their violent tendencies until after the wedding, don’t you? So a woman can’t be expected to know that their perfect fiance is actually hiding his abusive behaviours. It seems like you’re blaming women for the abuse their husbands perpetrate upon them. And that’s not only stupid & wrong, its sick.

  10. It’s your blog. Your voice. Your opinion. Essentially, this place is Cuba and you’re Castro.

    If people don’t like it, they don’t have to read it :)

    Keep doing you! ;)

    1. I am Castro! You’re right!

      It seems though that people who don’t like my blog actually like reading it and commenting. I enjoy this fact, however. I don’t write for agreement, but to spread truth.

      Thanks Bianca for your encouragement!

  11. Wow Nicole, I am actually speechless on this one. I’m really trying to think of what could possibly make someone say the things they said. I of course agree that “some” men have perhaps lost their way in regards to leadership and that’s why women (and I’d have to admit I come from a family where women wear the pants, and I am trying to re-learn myself)step it up and take control. Again, I don’t even have words for their comments and its just best I end it right here:)

  12. I agree and I’ve been totally impressed with the graciousness that you’ve had in answering some of these rude and belligerent comments, all the while never shying away from the truth. So I say, keep on keeping on. :)

  13. “Why do you think men were more quick to call me names and disagree than women?”

    Easy. They didn’t know what the hell they were talking about. Especially that guy who said “I disagree. I’m not married, but…” :)

    Now, seriously, there are so many churches who swing the sex swing so far to the prude side on anything sex related that it hampers true intimacy even between married couples. They want to avoid the impression of having the world invade their thoughts that they shut down something God created to be beautiful. Some of the blowback I’m sure is from that mindset. Any woman who’s not repressed is a whore. There can’t be anything else.

    Anyone who thinks you’re not a positive role model for women quite simply is someone who has no idea what a positive role model is for anyone. Your views, statements and positions are that of a woman I’d be glad to let my daughter see.

    1. Jason,
      Interesting point. I do think there is some blow back in the church as a result of sex in marriage not being addressed openly and freely. I think liberal views also play a huge role too. We are told that women want sex, like sex, and need sex, the same as a man and that is simply not true. Thus any woman who accepts her God-given (not liberal or culturally influenced) role as a sexual woman is seen as repressed and archaic.

      Thank you also for the encouragement. I appreciate your kind words.

  14. Nicole,

    You bring up some great points. I agree that men are more reluctant to lead nowadays. I think part of it has to do with the hard fact that many marriages end in divorce and these men do not want to be failures and blamed for the family falling apart. I know when my parents got divorced my father fully blamed himself and it was one of the only times I have ever seen him cry. I guess men figure if they stand back and let women drive the boat, when it crashes into the iceberg they can walk away knowing they would have done a better job. I am in no way saying that women are poor leaders and are responsible for families breaking up. Some of us just can’t relinquish control. I know I cannot. I am the end all be all in our house. I set the rules, discipline the children, pay the bills, carry the health insurance, and for awhile solely provided financially. Sure I consult him on decisions but ultimately the final decision is mine. I know my husband is not a weak man rather I am so independent, can’t help it. More importantly I am the spiritual leader in our family. My husband grew up without church and until he gives himself over to God I will continue to lead our family. My biggest prayer and hope is that he will and I will let him lead our family. Until then I will continue to be our rock.

    Good post to stir the pot.

    1. Dear Misti,

      I really do appreciate your painful position. I have seen it too many times. I completely sympathize with your very rational fear.

      But I must tell you that as long as you have your hand on the rudder of your family’s ship, your husband will not take the leadership you desire to see. Your well-intentioned hard work to take care of the family actually prevents him from doing what you so desperately want him to do.

      You are convinced that if you stop taking care of some things, chaos and loss will result. This is probably true to some extent. Instead of sailing down a calm river, your family may be hurled into dangerous white water rapids. The obvious peril is scary.

      But this is when men take the lead. As long as things are going well for everyone, your husband is unmotivated to change the situation. He feels unneeded. And that is the worst place for a man to find himself.

      Call your friends to start praying. Tell your husband that you have been wrong to take his place of leadership, and that you want to be in the proper place of submission to his leadership. Let go of your control, even when your husband blows it. After all, we all need practice and your husband hasn’t gotten any. Pray for him, encourage him, tell him that you trust him no matter what happens, and put your faith in God instead of in your own abilty to get things done. It may be a very scary ride, but this is the only way to get the man and the family you want. It is probably the only way your husband will ever consider his own submission to Christ, as he will need to cry out to God for help at some precarious point.

      Please, let go, and let your husband become the man he was designed to be. You are the only person standing in his way.

  15. In reading the comment that was posted on your blog, I think it could be of benifit (and I’m sure you thought of this) to examine the fact that the commenter may not speak english as his first language. It’s difficult because while his comments were hurtful and just downright rude, I can imagine that he may come from a very different background/culture, and that he may not understand all of what you’re writing. It is sad to me that he felt the need to be mean in response to reading your blog, especially if he only understood parts of it. I suppose that goes right back to talking about mentoring/being in relationship with people that teach you to deal with conflict in a constructive way, and back to what you were saying about men “vanishing.” May he, and others, find men who will pour into their lives in lifegiving, God-centered ways.

  16. I think it’s telling that, of the comments in question, you have highlighted as though it were representative of the whole, the one comment that stands out from the rest for it’s poor composition (perhaps because its writer is not a native speaker of English). It doesn’t say much for the strength of your argument that you’ve opted to pounce on the easiest target in an attempt to straw-man the rest of us. Looking back at the comments for, “Have Sex Even If You Don’t Want To,” it becomes clear that your claim that all your critics are male is bunk, also.

    Of course, I’m pretty sure you’re aware that the average woman would find your message repugnant, which is why you’re confined to a niche-audience of fanatic Christians. It’s also one reason people are fleeing the church in droves.

    “Have Sex Even If You Don’t Want To?” That’s pretty over-the-top. For that matter, so is accusing your male critics, essentially, of not being man enough to domineer their women properly. I’d even venture a guess on both of these points that a majority of your Christian brethren would agree with me that you are casting the faith in a negative light and contributing to its hemorrhage.

    Mind you, I’m not a Christian, so my purposes are well-served by your aggressive agitation for female servitude. I know your message will not resonate with the general public. Few women are interested in waiving their self-determination to the custody of a man who may or may not have their best interests in mind. On the other hand, your “complementarianism,” only aids my case against putting blind faith in ancient texts (compiled entirely by men): look at the debasement that can ensue.

    1. Dustin,
      To be fair, I did not “pounce” on this particular commenter, as you suggest. I chose to highlight this comment, because as I stated in the post, it is perhaps the rudest comment I have ever received on my blog. I did not attack this man. I made no assumptions about his intentions. I also never said all of the commenters on the “Have Sex Even When You Don’t Feel Like It” post were men. I said the last few comments, over the last few days were, which were rude or snarky, where from men. Re-read the beginning of this post for clarification, if needed.

      I am not “confined” either to a niche audience. Blogs are, in fact, built upon niche audiences. Most begin with a particular niche in mind, since there are so many blogs swelling the Internet. So yes, I write for “fanatic” Christians, if by “fanatic” you man devoted Christ-followers. I write to equip and edify the Church and if non-believers, like yourself happen to stumble upon this blog, well then, I am always excited and willing to discuss or debate.

      (As a side not, there is statistical data as to why young Evangelicals are fleeing the church and as far as I have read it has nothing to do with the issue of submission in marriage).

      Dustin, you are really gifted at twisting words. I don’t mean this as a jab. I am genuinely impressed by your ability to do so. You would make an excellent lawyer. Once again, I never used the word “domineer” in terms of husbands and wives. I said “lead.” This may sound like semantics to you, but it simply is not. Words are important and the ease with which you distort mine is unnerving.

      A position of leadership is vastly different from a position of dominance. To lead with love and to domineer with, I suspect, disdain, are two polar ideas. Have you ever known a leader? Someone in your life who guided, assisted, supported you? Someone who could help you make decisions? This is not dominance, but leadership. One attempts to control. The other to guide and encourage.

      You are right to point out the fact that you are not a Christian because therein lies the biggest obstacle. I see the world through the lens of Christ and the Bible. You do not. Thus, the concept of “submission” to you sounds downright primeval. I get it. I could spend hours, until I am blue in the face, defending my position (and no doubt you could do the same), but I won’t…

      I am not interested in writing that which is popular, easily digestible, or will “resonate with the general public.” I am interested in writing about God’s Truth and His purpose. Thank you Dustin for taking the time to intelligently and respectfully engage me in this debate. Blessings to you.

    2. Points to Mr. Finney in his dissection of Nicole’s deliberate ignorance of the root cast of “lead” being identical to “Domineer”, that is, to be as a god in BOTH cases.
      The one is from the FRankish and the other derived from the Latin.
      So, either you are entirely ignorant of English Nicole, or, as I have said elsewhere, a deliberate liar of the worst sort.
      But please, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK driving women away from Christianity!!

      1. I have been patient with you. Anyone observing your comments, I suspect, might determine that you are, in fact, the hate-filled one in this relationship.

        I think your trolling has gone on long enough. If you wish to engage me, please do so without name-calling, belittling, or general jerkiness. It neither furthers your cause nor paints you in a very flattering light. You sir, are doing an excellent job yourself of driving people away from secularism and atheism, I’m sure.

        1. So, were you unaware of the common root meanings?
          I thought this time you might reply to my challenge, but maybe I was being too charitable.
          Freud said the one danger an analyst might face is the determined protection of a delusional structure by the patient.
          It often leads to violence.
          Your unwillingness to answer the questions I put you, or the challenges to your worldview, say much on that subject.

  17. As a man, I thank you for your forthrightness and willingness to speak out on these issues. For too long the concept of Biblical ‘submission’ has carried so many negative connotations, and I think it’s time our culture and the upcoming generations look beyond the connotations to the actual meaning of the word as expressed by God.

    I’ll be pointing my wife to your blog, because I think she would be edified and encouraged by your openness and honest writing. Thank you for serving as a such a wonderful role model for other women.

    We need more good, Godly men willing to take up the mantle of leadership by serving their wife as we are called to.

  18. How do you know the commenter you highlight (“pittige maki”) is a man?
    A quick search shows “Maki” to be a female japanese name (I didn’t find anything on pittige), so perhaps your classification is mistaken? :-)

  19. Pfft to those guys!

    Nicole – I think you are a fantastic role model, full stop.

    I love your blog and it is so much encouragement to me. I love reading through your thoughts including those that some might deem ‘controversial.’

    As a single Christian, I find strength from your writing to keep going and hope that someday I might have a marriage as amazing as yours.

    Keep laughing at these snarky replies, because that’s all they deserve from you.

    Totally agree with this post.

    Where are all the MEN going?

  20. I have yet to read your blog about women having sex even if they don’t feel like it (maybe that’s next!) but just from that statement I agree! So many women put other things first, or are just so overloaded with trying to do everything in the family (because they either are afraid of what will happen if they let their husbands lead or they just don’t know how to set their relationship with their husbands as the priority).

    I think the reason why there is so much inappropriate acitivities related to this area in Christian homes is because women don’t have sex with their husbands enough. Women do not understand the importance of this intimacy to a man. Without this intimacy, a man can feel unwanted. So, I say, even if you aren’t “in the mood” choose to be loving to your husband and without him knowing, be with him and make an effort to be in the mood.

    Personally, I think women are downright selfish when it comes to not being intimate with their husbands. Why do you think Paul says (in all intents and purposes) that a man and wife should come together unless for a mutually agreed upon time? Because it is important. But too few women see the true importance of it!

    P.S. For the woman that is afraid to let her man lead…maybe she doesn’t know how to approach him. If she doesn’t want to be direct in terms of his “leading” her, she can always write up a list of things that need to get done and come to him with it. She could tell him she is overloaded and is afraid that she is tiring herself out so much it might affect their intimacy. She needs his help in sharing the responsibilities! Like one poster said, if a man feels needed, he will jump into the role. :)

  21. This topic saddens me because I don’t know if I know how to be a man. It’s something that bothered me for a long time. My dad didn’t really show me the ropes and there are probably a thousand other factors I don’t know about. Also, I’m different than most guys (i.e. not sports inclined, not really outgoing, etc.) so when I’m told to ‘be myself’ and then to ‘be a man’, I’m not sure what to do.

    Recently, I’ve learned that it’s more about taking the initiative spiritually. I don’t know about the other aspects in life but I have no one in my life to ask/that I feel comfortable asking and I’m not in a relationship now so there’s no pressing need to find out. I would like the truth, though…when I think about this, it fills me with great sadness.

    I wasn’t angered by your blog, though. I was just angry and sad that I didn’t have all of the answers.

    That guy’s comment was kind of funny, though.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *