This is a guest post from none other than my hubster, Jonathan, in follow-up to last week’s first-parter. It’s a doozy.
Well I’m glad to know that my wife doesn’t think I’m a pervert. I would’ve guessed that, but it’s always good to have her own written words to point back to in our future discussions about sex. Ah, the joys of a blogging wife.
But what about you poor fellas out there that don’t have my same fortune? You men out there with wives who think you’re just a plain sick-o that thinks about sex “all the time” and happens to be “in the mood” at the absolute worst times. Or perhaps you have a wife that gets the general gist, but could still use some coaching on what you want in the bedroom. This one’s for you, gentlemen.
Your mission, whether you choose to accept it or not, is to help your wife understand your sexual needs and wants. Easier said than done, right? Well, let’s brainstorm, guys (and ladies, we’ll even let you listen in and provide your thoughts, too)…
Better Sex
Before we start, let’s identify the goal of helping your wife understand your sexuality: better sex. It’s a fairly straight-forward goal and one that I’m sure you support wholeheartedly. But one thing I realized very early on in marriage–and something I keep coming back to–is that the goal for better sex isn’t just me getting better sex, but that both Nicole and I come to a place of mutual understanding in which we’re both contributing to better sex. In other words, it’s not just about her understanding you and that you’re not a pervert, it’s about you understanding her, too.
God had a beautiful plan worked out in making men and women so different, and as us neanderthals better understand that plan (though it’s inevitable that we’ll never fully understand it), the better our chances at contributing to and enjoying a more satisfying sex life. In fact, your likelihood of a better sex life will increase by 13,472.8%. (Actually, I just made that up, but I’m sure it’s in the vicinity.)
With that goal in mind, here are three ways to help you illuminate your sexual nature to your wife.
1. Establish a Baseline
While I would hope most wives understand the basic sexual needs of a man, I know that’s not the case for everyone. I think that most men going into marriage with that assumption quickly find it to be a misinformed one. So, the first step to helping your wife understand your sexuality requires you talking about your most essential sexual needs. Keep it simple.
- How often do you need sex on a weekly basis? Whatever you do, just don’t say seven times.
- When do you most like having sex? In the mornings, long before bed, right before you go to bed?
Be ready to talk with your wife about her needs, too, which will be very different from yours, of course. Things like:
- How can you help her get “in the mood”? Dimming the lights, turning on some sexy music, washing the dishes, putting the kids to bed? (Like I said, very different needs.)
- What are her foreplay needs, time-wise?
- Is there anything else she wants to share with you about her sexual needs? This one is bound to get you extra points.
Communication is key, here, and rather than begin listing all your weird wants and quirks, start small. Be honest about your needs. If you can’t even talk about those openly, it’s not her at fault for thinking you’re insatiable or perverted, it’s you. Baby steps.
2. Define Some Goals
Now that you’ve mutually established your baseline needs, it’s time to define some goals together. Rather than think with you know what and just blurt out something stupid, be simultaneously intentional and cautious in what and how you share. My best recommendation for sharing your sexual desires is to start by asking her. If there are any kids reading, here comes the PG-13 stuff.
- What does she love about your sex life together? What would she change about your sex life?
- Where would she like you to kiss her more (or perhaps, for the first time)?
- What are some fantasies that she would like you to fulfill with her? Don’t worry, it’s love talk, not dirty talk.
The beauty of questions like these is that, by asking her first, you now have an opportunity to also share yours with her. Nicole and I recently emailed each other our list of five things we would like to experience more of in the bedroom. It was revealing… for both of us. Make your conversations about sex fun. Never stop learning each other. And once you know more about your respective wants, set some good old fashioned goals around those desires.
3. Work at It
That stupid magazine at the supermarket with 101 ways on how to improve your life in the bedroom will NOT magically transform your sex life. Better sex isn’t as easy as flipping a switch. It takes intentionality. Mutual determination and purpose. Candor.
The fact is, as the years tally up in marriage, it becomes increasingly important to continue working at it. Time is not an excuse to stop working at anything in marriage, and that goes for sex, too. So, with the progress you’ve made thus far, be sure to:
- Remember your mutual sexual needs. Schedule your sex if you have to and make it a priority. If she needs the lights dimmed, then do it. If she wants the dishes washed, then definitely do it.
- Never stop learning each other. Sexual needs and wants change over time. Keep talking. Bonus points if you’re talking during your lovemaking, and not just before or after.
- Keep the romance alive. That starts outside the bedroom, guys. Helping out around the house? Yep. Date nights? Critical! Vacations? As much as you can.
- Serve her first. You might be snickering at the reference here, but remember that it’s about mutual enjoyment here, not just yours.
- Make a mental (or actual) note about your sexual wants and goals. Write your sexual goals on the bathroom mirror. Make her “special requests” your screensaver at work (with SFW short code, that is). Heck, if you have to make a checklist of ways to set the mood and be more romantic, then do what you have to do.
- Change things up. Like Nicole said last week, “be” the sexual variety.
Keep Talking
Nothing here is revelatory, but my point–and Nicole’s–is simply to encourage you in creating an honest environment to talk about this awesome sex thing that God created. I mean, it’s awesome, right?!
It would be easy to just think that I lucked out and nabbed one of the rare women who understand male sexuality better than others. And it’s true–I did luck out. But that doesn’t mean I still don’t have a part to play in being honest with Nicole about my needs and wants. We try to mutually be intentional about our sex life, and I can promise you this: it makes a difference.
I know I’m not a pervert and I’m glad my wife does, too. Help your wife understand that you’re not one, either. You might even be surprised by what you learn about her along the way. In fact, I’d bet on it.
Men, what are some ways that you’ve gone about explaining your sexuality with your wives? What’s keeping you from being more open about your sexuality with her? What would you add–or remove–from the ideas above? Weigh in with your comments.
Women, do you feel you have a grasp on your husbands’ sexuality? If not, why? If so, how did you get there? What would you add to the list above? Does anything about the process of learning each other intimidate you? Why or why not? We’re all ears!
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I am so excited about this post. I love it and I love you, JC.
One thing I would add is, if you or your spouse had a sexual past before marriage, make sure to bring those things to the Lord, as well. Our past sexual sin can affect our marriage so very much, but God is big enough and gracious enough to bring healing and freedom. Heck, go see a counselor if necessary. Just make sure you prioritize a healthy sex life.
Here’s to better sex and better communication for all marriages. xo
Great point, absolutely. Any misconceptions, expectations, or past hurts and experiences can definitely affect sex life. Get those out there. Again, it’s about candor with one another, and most definitely, with the Lord.
Well my comment or story is me n daphne have been together week before valentines will be our 9 year anniversary im 42 n daphne is 30 n she has a son thats 10 but anyways wen we have sex bka make love i love ta kiss n touch n lick n massage sometimes before but usually during n r sex is the best honestley ive ever had but it seemed ta fizzle wen she went ta jail for 8 months n its not like i had jus forgot all about her cause i kept the bills paid n had $ on her books every week atleast $100 n wen she got out she had meet someone while incarserated n i didnt knw it was a well kept family secret n tis went on for year n she would ask u wanna quicky tonight im tired n id say ok but then wen she started given me oral n would pause ta watch tv i said u really dnt wanna do tis do ya ? N her answer yeah baby y wouldnt i wanna give you head then she would say no baby dnt eat my pussy tonight n ta me thats her sayin no i really dnt wanna do tis wen in the past she would always be game of me suckin n lickin her clitt cause im a man that pleases her time after time n sometimes it would work me up so bad i would cum while maken her have her multiple orgasmics soakin the sheet n telln me time after time i was n always will be the best at it like i said our love makin was tremendously awsome
This is good stuff. Some might disagree, but for those of you who aren’t married, I would recommend discussing these basic expectations BEFORE the wedding night. Especially if will be either parties first time (we were both virgins)
We started reading “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman a few weeks prior to our wedding. It was the raciest Christian book I’ve ever read, and i went from dragging my feet about reading it to looking forward to the next chapter. Note: Engaged couples are encouraged to read the first 4 chapters and the “for men” and “for women” only chapters, the rest should be saved for marriage :)
We did the same thing, Craig. Talking about your sexual expectations, especially those for your wedding night, is a very important thing. My only warning for engaged couples would be to not talk *too* much about sex beforehand, even though you’re going to be married. It can be quite the temptation.
Great addition to the post!
Just have to drop a note about “sheet music”. I purchased it following a couples retreat as it was endorsed by our pastor. I was intrigued, alarmed and disgusted all at the same time. I say “intrigued” because I could not believe was the author was encouraging Christian couples do to. And just because he is a psych and a Christian does not automatically qualify his to be making good recommendations. Personally I think he has been duped into accepting the worlds perverted practices and promoting them as “okay” for Christian couples. I find his logic is flawed. God does not have to expressly prohibit every deviant sexual act for us. It is clear enough by looking at how our bodies are designed. In addition, the sexual relationship in marriage is supposed to be reflective of — or more accurately symbolic of — the Union between Christ and his bride (the church.) in that context, can you imagine Christ approving of oral? I can’t. A couple of points: 1) The Word says “let the marriage bed be undefiled”. That means “don’t defile it”. 2) The Word says not to use your freedom to indulge your sinful nature. Can you still “lust” in marriage (as opposed to love?). Uh, yes. 3) Finally, Dr. Lehman has succeeded in bringing our pleasure-seeking, porn obsessed culture into the Christian circle (thank you, dr. Lehman). Notice he states how people (generally speaking) up through their 30s engage in oral while those in their 40s and 50s do not. Why is that? I believe it’s due to the influence of porn in our culture. As Christians, It is often too easy to ask the flesh-driven question: Can we do (blank) in bed? Instead, we should be asking “Does this act glorify God?”
talking about sex is difficult. especially when we have been taught our life that it is a taboo subject: to be kept behind closed doors. when we get married it is this paradigm shift of how to approach the subject with the very person i was trying to avoid it with before we got married!
Since my wife and I both read this blog occasionally, I will use it to break the ice about the topic, because honestly we don’t talk about our sexually relationship with each other. While we have been married for 3 years, I feel that we have a good relationship in and out of the bedroom. Reading this post makes me question if I am paying attention to all my wife’s needs sexually as well as emotionally.
Great topic and very relevant. I can’t wait to see what the 3rd installment reveals.
dang, i need to proof write my reading…
Kenny, you bring up such a good point, that before marriage you try to not talk about sex, think about sex, have sex. then you are married and suddenly everything is suppose to feel okay or natural.
I’m so glad though, that this post got you thinking about your sex life in marriage. That was the whole point. I hope you can use this post to break the ice and have a great conversation about both of your needs.
P.S. There wasn’t going to be a 3rd installment, but if you’ve got any ideas…let me know!
Kenny, like Nicole already said, this is a great addition. It’s definitely a big “switch” to change our perceptions of sex enough to a point where then it becomes easy and natural to talk about sex. It’s anything but natural or easy. Like I say above, it’s hard work.
While I know you two already do have a great relationship outside of the bedroom (and I’ll take your word for inside of it), the point is simply that it can ALWAYS get better. Complacency is the slow and silent killer of all that your sex life has the possibility of becoming.
So talk about it. It may not be natural at first, but it will be worth it and will become easier with time.
Thanks for your addition to the conversation.
Is it “Normal” for my 57 year old husband to be so attracted to young pretty women in the street, restaurants even church that he emits a sexual growl? I find it humiliating and very embarrassing, he always denies it which causes me anger and distress, our sex life was almost non existent due to the menopause and subsequent pain and dryness for me but recently our sex life has resumed but he has developed this behaviour when we are out which really does make me think he has tutned into a “Pervert” and I am repulsed.
Though it is perfectly normal to notice when someone is sexually appealing, it is not good or appropriate to allow your mind to take it further. Doing so is called lust. It’s coveting what doesn’t belong to you and what you cannot have. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I’ve had to work on this myself — the wandering eye (I’ve never growled and tried to be discrete) — but in ANY case it is insulting to your wife and can devistating to the relationship. One side note is this doesn’t make him a pervert. These are very natural tendencies. But God does expect to submit the “lust of our flesh” to him. The more we give in to lust, the greater hold it will have on us. Pray for him and if possible seek counciling together.
I’ve been married for about 3 years now and feel our sex has become very routine like. The thing here is that I’m the one that wants to try new things and usually the one asking for sex instead of him. It’s been like this from almost the beginning of our marriage. He’s not one to instigate sex or even seem like he wants to have sex. It’s me most of the time which leaves me feeling pretty insecure. I know he likes woman and all especially since I have seen that he looks up porn behind my back. I’ve tried to talk about it with him but I don’t think he thinks there’s anything wrong. I’m 8 years younger than him and I’m in pretty good shape so I don’t understand this. I feel like I’m the man in the relationship when it comes to sexual urges. If it weren’t for me, we could go probably 3 weeks without sex which is a long time I think. Help.
I would suggest that porn IS the problem. It’s short-circuiting things w you as he’s getting his sexual release/needs met elsewhere. It’s a serious matter and needs to be addressed. Also, habitual masturbation usually accompanies this so, even if the porn stops, there still may be another issue to deal with. You should both be getting your sexual needs met from each other, not solo. Also, porn distorts what a loving relationship is so badly that a brain washing may need to take place. Possibly a book like Eros Defiled may help. It’s best when a sexual relationship is based on love, not lust.
One addition I’d make to what Kevin says is that porn also sets up an unrealistic idea of what sex is like, and can create expectations that real sex cannot easily (or at all) achieve. People who watch porn don’t really consider that a 30 minute porn video may have taken 10 or 12 hours or even more of takes, retakes, stopping for a lunch break, starting over because someone made a mistake, redoing a section because somebody coughed, having a director adjust your head to the correct angle for the camera, and lots and lots of editing and camera tricks…it’s not simply that the scenario is contrived or the moans may be faked (though both of those are true), it’s also that what you see on film is not necessarily what their bodies were experiencing. Porn stars are paid to pretend to enjoy what happens whether they do or not, and to make things that may be painful or extremely difficult to train your body to do look easy and enjoyable. It’s really easy to get an unrealistic and unachievable view of what sex is from porn that will make the real thing seem less exciting than the manufactured experience on video.