I had another post written for today, but as I sat typing it, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to say. You see, yesterday I read a blog post that sort of took me by surprise. It was about being a Christian blogger. It’s weird, because I don’t consider myself a “blogger,” I just happen to have a blog.
Anyway, the post talked about making your blog–and thus, your writing–your service, worship, and art, unto the Lord. I felt like I had done that when I first started blogging 6 months ago. I “gave” Modern Reject to the Lord. Over the last month, though, my focus has shifted. I have been distracted by numbers, page views, comments, tweets, and all the rest.
I realized that I have been striving versus serving and I don’t like it. So I did what any healthy girl would do–I swallowed hard and said the words to the Lord that were so difficult for me to say…
I knew what I needed to say, but when it came time to say it, I froze. I sat there in my chair, facing my laptop, tears running down my face. “I don’t want to say it,” I whispered, in my heart, to the Lord. He waited. I waited.
“I give you…” I stopped. I couldn’t.
I started again. “I give you the… success,” [long pause] “I give you the success of Modern Reject, Lord.”
There, I said it and I meant it, as difficult as it was to speak. I immediately felt better. You see, while I felt like my motivation to write has been given over to the Lord, I was still holding onto the outcome. I have felt that it is my responsibility to make sure that this blog succeeds, whatever that means.
I have always lived in mediocrity. Well, actually, just above average–my sweet spot. Nothing too great, but nothing too disappointing (which is ridiculous, because if nothing is ever great, it inevitably leads to disappointment).
I so wanted Modern Reject to be different–to be successful, to be excellent. So what did I do? Instead of letting God be responsible for the outcome, I put my grubby hands all over it, and have tried to “make it happen.” It is exhausting. So, I quit.
No, I don’t quit blogging. I quit trying to be responsible for the outcome. That is God’s job, not mine. My job is to write, as best I can, and offer my writing to an audience of One. My job is to stop striving for success and, instead, serve unto His greatness.
My job is to learn how to reconcile the desire to be excellent with the desire to honor God in all I do.
I repented yesterday to the Lord, for the ways in which I have tried to control, manipulate, and force Modern Reject to be something it is not. He forgave me. He always does. And I am always grateful.
What have you tried to “make happen,” only to realize that the Lord had different plans? What have you made an idol that God has exposed to you at any time?
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