Okay, okay, I admit it. Christians aren’t suppose to be scared, right? We are supposed to walk around in our perfectly, not scared bodies, shielded by the super-powers of the Holy Spirit.
We are suppose to be like some kind of anti-fear force field–zapping things like phobias and anxieties with a wave of our hand.
But let’s be honest. Most of us aren’t fearless superheroes by any stretch of the imagination. I, for one, have plenty of fears and insecurities.
One fear in particular has always haunted me. It is my dark and looming cloud, my ever-present “what if”, my unavoidable reality.
Today, I’m privileged to have an article featured over at Prodigal Magazine. I’m sharing about something very personal–something that I have never even talked about here on Modern Reject.
I’m talking about depression and where the darkness hides…
Here’s a taste:
I wasn’t quite sure what was happening. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t have the words. I didn’t have the energy to try. What I did have was a constant ache, a swelling emotion that everything wasn’t going to be okay. What I had was the overwhelming feeling that I was drowning, desperately trying to keep my head above water.
Today, I’m happy to have a guest post for you all from one of my favorite gentleman in the blogosphere, Darrell Vesterfelt. Darrell has appeared on Modern Reject before and I’m so excited to have him back.Enjoy.
I’m really insecure about my weight. I have been my whole life.
There are all kinds of reasons for that. I used to get teased in high school, to start — words so insulting I can’t even list them here. I don’t have the fastest metabolism, to make matters worse.
I have a difficult time staying at a “healthy” weight for my height.
The hardest part isn’t that I feel like I’m fat, although that’s difficult in and of itself. The hardest part is the way that people look at, and talk about, other people who are in my position. I’m not ignorant to it. I’ve thought the same things you think.
Fat people are lazy.
Fat people are stupid.
Fat people get in the way.
I’ve spent my whole life, and a lot of my energy, trying to prove that these things aren’t true about me.
You know what I’m talking about. You’ve done it too. The lies of insecurity run so deep that they have the ability to control our entire reality. If we aren’t careful, insecurity starts to dictate everything we think and do.
I feel like I’ve been waiting a lot lately and to be honest, I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for. It just seems that something, anything, besides what’s happening should be happening.
I keep waiting for God to do something miraculous and it’s not like I’m needing a miracle right now. It’s more so that I need less of the mundane, everyday. I need less of me and what I can produce and more of Him and what He is known for.
I want to see something. I guess what I want, if I’m being honest, is a show. I’m sitting here like some ticket holder, parked in my mezzanine seat, waiting for the Jesus Show to begin. I want to see Him do something. I want to believe in something right now.
On my good days, I am happy and smiling. On my bad days, I am grumpy, short-tempered, and irritable.
On my good days, I feel content and at peace, thanking God for the life he has given me and the ways in which He has provided. On my bad days, I am restless, bored, and daydreaming of escaping to a place where I can just be alone.
On my good days, I am confident. On my bad days, I feel incompetent.
On my good days, I trust Him, listen to Him, and am honest with Him. On my bad days, I doubt Him, yell at Him, and am honest with Him.
So many of us worship a different God. Oh, it’s still the God of Jacob. The God of Abraham. Yahweh.
Jesus Christ.
But, as my days in salvation go on, I have seen and met so many hopeless Christians. So many people, who are complacent in their faith. Lukewarm. Vacillating.
I have seen so many people who perhaps intellectually know God. They even love God, but they have never once experienced the power of God.
My hearts breaks when I consider this. I feel pangs in my chest when I grasp the fact that so many of my brethren have never, not once, felt His presence, been swept up in His Spirit, had a supernatural experience with the Living God.
Thank You Lord that You still listen to me even when I complain and grumble.
Thank You that when I offer You leftovers You offer me grace and compassion.
Thank You that I could never earn Your love, because I know I would fail, but instead You give it so freely.
Thank You that even when I doubt You, You never doubt me.
Thank You that Your love covers a multitude of sins.
Thank You for finding me, and rescuing me, and being with me always.
Thank You that when I lay my burdens before You, I am reminded that Your burden is easy and Your yoke is light.
Thank You that You are a God who allows me to come to you with each piece of broken me, each bit of tarnished girl, and that You never shame me or guilt me for the choices I’ve made.
Thank you for your Son, who I want to be more like, and who You gave to me, for freedom’s sake.
Thank You that You aren’t finished with me, not even close.
Thank You for bringing me gifts of tremendous blessing even though I am so undeserving.
It’s that time again. Time for me to ask all of you how I can be praying for you.
No, I’m not being nosy (well maybe just a tad bit nosy). I really like to know how I can pray for each of you, what God is doing, has done, and is yet to do in your lives.
I commit that for every one who leaves a comment sharing a prayer request, I will pray for your need. I love praying for you. It’s one small way for me to show my appreciation for the many ways you all continually bless me.
And if you would be so kind, I will share my prayer needs, and humbly ask you to pray for me, as well.
Here goes:
I’ve been having some doubt lately. Doubt about God’s goodness towards me. Doubt about His love for me. Doubt about whether or not I can keep going like I’ve been going (sorry for being vague on this one, but there is a post to soon follow).
Also, I tired and not like a little tired. I’m exhausted. I haven’t slept all the way through the night, uninterrupted in about 9 months. Most days I feel like a zombie at best.
So would you please pray for me? Pray for my questions. Pray for my faith and my hope to swell. And pray for rest, real rest, to find me.
Okay, now it’s your turn. How can I pray for YOU? You can be as specific or as vague as you’d like. But please feel comfortable. This is a community…and more than that, we’re family.
“No” is one of the first words kids learn. They can’t communicate fully. They can’t state their opinions or desires yet, but you can sure bet they know how to let out a resounding “No!” when necessary.
Of course, as adults, we don’t like hearing “no.” I personally, would much rather have my life filled with “yeses.” Yes, you can Nicole. Sure, Nicole. But as anyone who has followed the Lord for any period of time can tell you, God is not a yes-man.
He’s very often a wait-and-see-man. He is also, when needed, a no-man.
{sigh} I know His “no’s” all too well. When you hear them for the first time, they sting, or they hurt, or they make me want to pull away from Him and retreat. But more and more, I am able to look back at the “no’s” God has given me and realize they were the best thing for me.
Sometimes the best “no’s” don’t come directly from God, but rather through another person or circumstance. I have three “no’s” that, looking back, I realize were God’s protection and provision. Yes, they sucked at the time, but time revealed their purpose. Continue reading The Best “No” I Ever Got
There is so much to know about Jesus, so much more than we could ever know. The scriptures, for all of their accounts and stories of Christ, only capture but a sliver of His Personhood.
He is infinite. He is immeasurable.
And yet, I so often wonder about Him, as a boy, as a young man, as the Lamb. I wonder about His humanity, instead of always trying to grapple with His divinity.
I imagine Him as a child hiding behind His mother’s skirt. I picture Him in fields, running alongside His brothers being soaked in the sunlight. I see Him laying down to bed, praying a prayer to His Father–a prayer filled with gratitude and intimacy.
Of course, while there is so much more to know of Him, we have to be content with the little details we hold now, knowing too that His work on the cross is neither tarnished nor undermined by our lack of details regarding His life.
Okay, okay, I admit it. Christians aren’t suppose to be scared, right? We are supposed to walk around in our perfectly, not scared bodies, shielded by the super-powers of the Holy Spirit.
