Sex is Yours

My daughter is six-years old and full of questions. Why, how, huh? All day long. In her questioning, she has inevitably asked me about sex. When I was hugely round and very pregnant with her youngest brother, she asked how he came to be in my belly and how he would make his way out.

After giving the most scientific and precise answer I could, I ended with “Does that make sense?” To which she paused and replied, “Not really.”

Fair enough.

I fret not because I know that this initial conversation about sex will be one of hopefully many. Yes, I said hopefully many.

Because I want my children to ask me lots and lots of questions about sex. I want them to feel free to bring up the topic at bedtime, at the dinner table, when we are baking cookies (let’s be honest…this isn’t happening. I’m not Martha Stewart), whenever.

And I want the nitty gritty questions asked like:

What’s oral sex?

How about masturbation?

Is heavy petting okay? (is it still called that or is it just “dry humping” these days?) Continue reading Sex is Yours

The Sin of a Sexless Marriage

Over the last year, I’ve had numerous husbands email me and share with me their heartbreaking, if not tragic, sex life stories. They explain how their wives, who were once willing to engage in sex 2-3 times a week have now become completely closed off, never wanting any type of physical interaction.

They tell me how much they love their wives, how attractive they still find her, how much they long to please her–be it emotionally or physically.

Some of these confessions are so raw, wounds so gaping, that I cry as I read them. Some are so personal and candid that I cannot read on and I pass them along to my husband and ask that he be the one to respond.

But, in all, I’m left feeling the sadness of their stories weigh upon my heart. How is it that two people who once felt the hope and promise of love–including sexual love– now live a sexless, passionless existence?

How do you get from one to the other? From a well-spring to a dried-up well? From a spiritual joining to an almost systematic dividing?

Of course, it is not just men who have written me expressing their pain and loss. Women write too (albeit far less) and share about their husbands lack of a sex drive, his disinterest in them physically, his addiction to pornography, or his excuses about being “too tired.”

This is what I want to say, whether it is popular or not because I’m preoccupied with truth–not popularity: A sexless marriage is a sin. And, it seems, many of us are sinning. Continue reading The Sin of a Sexless Marriage

Sex and the Act of Worship

I didn’t come to Jesus a virgin. Instead, I came to Jesus with far more sexual experience a girl of 16 should have. I also came to Jesus, however, somehow knowing that He didn’t care about any of that. He saw me as a virgin. It was a new day.

So, I suppose on some level, I expected the church to talk about this fact, too. I expected to hear rousing sermons on the gift of sex, ordained by God, pleasing to Him when experienced between man and wife. I expected to hear exactly what it was I was now waiting for, having once had sex, only to give it up in pursuit of Christ.

But, those messages from the church never came. Different ones did, however.

I think a youth pastor once talked about what not to do–how to not let things go too far with your boyfriend–so as to remain a virgin. You know, since virginity was the prize and all. Virginity, it seemed, was what all young Christian people were to aspire to.

Come hang out with me over at Jr. Forasteros’ blog to read more. I hope to see you there.

Men and The Power of the Visual

Happy Wednesday. Today is the day we discuss men and women. Oh joy! As such, I wanted to share this video from Dennis Prager with you, titled Men and the Power of the Visual. I’ve addressed this topic before in one way or another. I find this issue to be one that far too many women seem to be ignorant towards, for whatever reason.

As for the video, it’s five minutes, but it is also very entertaining and goes by quickly. Please respond to the questions below after watching the video:

Do you agree or disagree with this video? Do you think the power of the visual affects men to that extent? Why or why not? If you are a woman, is this a surprise to you? Do you agree that, the male visual nature, is in part to blame for the amount of pornography produced?

Your Husband is NOT a Pervert: Part 1

Your Husband is Not a Pervert

from the archives

It goes without saying that men are visual creatures. We know that “sex sells,” and one of the main reasons for that is because men are visual. It is not women who are usually buying sex, so to speak.

But if a woman could spend a day inside a man’s mind, would she be disgusted and horrified to find out just how much he actually thinks of sex? Would a wife, for instance, end up thinking her husband is a pervert? Probably. That’s how much the male mind focuses on sex.

The truth is, though: your husband is NOT a pervert. He is a man and, like every other man, his sexuality is quite simple to understand. Continue reading Your Husband is NOT a Pervert: Part 1

Scheduling Sex and Other Such Tales

People write me about one topic more than other: Sex. It seems that many of us aren’t having the kind of sex life we imagined we would once we were married. It seems that more of us are having a lot less sex than we ever expected.

I’ve had husbands write me confessing that they haven’t slept with their wives in a year, after having only been married for 3. I’ve had wives email me, explaining that they simply don’t feel sexual and have therefore just “let sex go.”

But where is the outcry? Where are the calls for healthier, better, and more realistic expectations for sex in marriage? I, for one, am grieved when I think of how many married couples aren’t, well, getting any.

Instead of people writing about and talking about sex in marriage from a practical standpoint, what we find more of is unhelpful banter on the subject. I recently read a post over at Stephanie Druy’s blog Stuff Christian Culture Likes (a blog I happen to thoroughly enjoy, by the way) that says scheduling sex, for instance, is a bad thing that far too many Evangelicals have latched onto in marriage.

I have to say…I couldn’t disagree more.

I’d argue that scheduling sex is one way of ensuring a great sex life. Intrigued? I bet you are. Read on, my friend, read on…

Continue reading Scheduling Sex and Other Such Tales

#3 of 2011: Have Sex…Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Today’s post on the 2011 countdown, while one of the most read of the year, has also proven to be the most controversial to make the list. The reason? It seems that people regard my advice for wives to say “yes” to sex more as the equivalent to endorsing rape. I kid you not.

Some time ago, this post made its way on to a number of athesits blogs. I happen to read the comments on these particular blogs and people legititametly said I was promoting the act of rape against women. Astonishing.

Really, this post is all about encouraging women to engage in marital sex more, even when conditions aren’t right or they are tired because in doing so, you will bless your husband and your marriage. If you’re interested, read the comments on the original post too. They are passionate, in both support and opposition.


Have Sex…Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Having sex in marriage is important. Necessary. Crucial.

Women need sex to feel emotionally connected. Men need sex to feel loved and desirable.

But as most married women will tell you, marriage sure slows down the frequency of sex and sexual mood. Whether it be long work days, stress, children, or other daily distraction–a woman’s sexual impulse can be sucked right out.

All too often in marriage, women find themselves saying “no” to sex much more than “yes.” There is even the mythical male who turns down sex with his wife… a very rare breed, indeed.

I have heard it said before that women should just go ahead and have sex, even when they don’t feel like it. I agree with that sentiment and here’s why:

I know some people might think this idea sounds downright archaic and misogynistic. But, here I am–a modern woman–telling other women to just get busy, even when the urge isn’t there.

Reason being, marriage convinced me of the male need for sex. Dennis Prager has discussed this topic on his radio show quite frequently. He refers to women pulling the old famous sex shutdown line: “I don’t feel like it.” His response to that excuse makes me smile. To paraphrase him:

In life there are countless things we have to do each day, even though we “don’t feel like it.” We go to work, pay our bills, call that one annoying guy, get to bed at a reasonable hour, even though we don’t necessarily feel like it. Why should sex be any different?

Women have somehow hijacked sex and planted this notion in their minds that sex is always suppose to be romantic, or glamorous, or that they must be totally 100% “in the mood” in order to have it. If these prerequisites aren’t met, well then, no sex.

I took a pre-marriage class with my husband and one of the week’s topics was sex in marriage. A sex expert (such a cool job title by the way) and counselor taught us that, on average, men need sex 2 to 3 times per week–not want sex twice a week, but actually need sex (you’re welcome gentlemen. I’m spreading the word).

For men, sex is a stress release, a wanted distraction from their busy lives and responsibilities. It is also how they feel loved from their wives, which, if you ask me, is sorta important.

On day 13 of turning down your husband, men don’t only feel pent-up stress, but they also begin to feel unloved and undesirable.

My friend Carrington just wrote a post challenging women to say “yes” to sex more. I have practiced this and, let me just tell you that it makes a difference in my marriage. The hubster and I have better quality and more frequent sex now than ever (too much detail? Sorry, hope you’re not blushing).

If I’m not up for being intimate in that exact moment–usually 11:00 o’clock at night after a day of being covered in toddler slime, then I will reschedule for another time. Which is a reminder to men–timing is important. Don’t ask her at the end of a very long, tiring day. Ask her when she feels most in the mood, when the iron is hot, so to speak. For more tips, gentlemen, on improving your sex life, check out this post.

Ladies, commit to trying to say “yes” at least three times in a row. Set the mood. Take a shower. Pray. Lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes away from little ones (I highly recommend this one). Do whatever you need to do to say “yes.”

The more I go ahead and have sex, even when I don’t feel in the mood, the more God has actually blessed our sex life. And guess what, when I say “yes” more, I’m much more apt to get “in the mood” faster, too. In fact, I have the “I’m not in the mood” thought run through my mind rarely these days.

So, when he asks, pounce on him. Or heck, don’t wait for him to ask… pounce first, ask questions later.

Do you agree or disagree? Do you think women should say “yes” even when they might not be in the mood? Have you practiced this?  What has made a difference in your married sex life?

The Virgin Revolution Part 2

Like a Virgin Part 2Today, is part 2 on the discussion of being a virgin, within the Christian community. Last week, I posed the question: Where are all the virgins? And why are they so silent?

The comments that followed were poignant and eye-opening. I had no idea that my seemingly simple question would lead to such an impassioned and emotional discussion.

Many of you who commented on part 1 of The Virgin Revolution, discussed the shame, embarrassment, and ridicule you have received for being a virgin from within the church. I was shocked.

Others of you commented that the concept of sex, and thus virginity, is so poorly taught within the church, that you are left feeling helpless, isolated, or worse, forgotten.

But while virginity costs much, the rewards are even greater. Today’s questions, however, ask: What are you waiting for? And is it worth it? Continue reading The Virgin Revolution Part 2

The Virgin Revolution

Last year, a girl by the name of Natalie Dylan, decided to auction off her virginity to the highest bidder. She was met with a slew of both support and hatred. Recently in the United Kingdom, a 16-year-old just attempted the same transaction, in order to pay for school.

There used to be a time when being a virgin meant something. There was a time, when a woman’s chaste and pure nature was desirable, not only to men, but to the woman herself. There was also a time when men abstained from sex as well, choosing to wait until their wedding night.

How did we transition from the ideal of sexual purity to a poor girl, obviously broken, selling her body on eBay, giving away what should be cherished and protected for some cash? I want to know though, where have all the virgins gone? And if they are around why aren’t they speaking up? Continue reading The Virgin Revolution

Porn, Your Marriage, and Our Lackluster Sex Lives

Today I’m writing over at the Good Women Project on Porn, Your Marriage, and Our Lackluster Sex Lives. Here’s how I begin:

They want you to believe that pornography isn’t harmful, and safe even. They want you to believe that it is somehow vastly different from actual physical adultery. They want you to believe that pornography in no way effects your sex life, except that it enhances it and makes it “sexier.” They want you to believe that porn can actually jump start a dull sex life and bring about renewed sexual desire in a marriage. They want you to believe that a husband or a wife viewing pornography will look at their spouse exactly the same way even after staring at strangers’ naked bodies. They want you to believe because they know good and well that it is all a lie, but the more of it you fall for, the better.

Read the rest…