I’m not even sure how to write this post. I don’t know where to begin or where to end, so forgive me if I ramble. Or cry. Or blubber all over the page.
This is my last Modern Reject post after all.
So where do I start?
This last year of blogging has left me wanting. I found myself less and less dedicated to this blog, less and less motivated, and less willing to write the kind of posts I had become known for writing. I didn’t want to drum up controversy, or rock the boat, or stir the pot anymore.
I didn’t want to write divisive posts or respond to angered commenters. I didn’t want to defend my faith or hell, my theology for that matter. I didn’t want to “make my case” or “prove my point” or “defend my position.”
My high school senior English teacher was pretty much Elaine from Seinfeld. I loved her. We all loved her. During one of her famous passionate lectures, she once commented about how nice it must be to be a stupid person. She explained that there must be something quite freeing about being able to shut off your brain and quit thinking about something–to essentially think about nothing.
Because intelligent people, she argued, were always thinking. In fact, they never stopped thinking…and it was exhausting. She envied the dumb.
This resonated with me (not that I consider myself brilliant by any means)–the fact that I cannot stop myself from thinking. I read this the other day and smiled because it is me: “I’ve been overthinking about overthinking again.”
You’d think that thinking would prove more fruitful, but no. Instead, I wonder how I get here again and again. It seems so futile–the race and the running, when despite my best effort I find myself doing just that.
And that is part of the problem, my effort. I hate striving. I hate watching “Christians” strive for Jesus. Wondering what we can do for God instead of being with God. Working instead of abiding. Trying instead of receiving.
I have a confession to make and it ain’t pretty. In fact, I’m a little embarrassed to tell you. {sigh} Here goes…
I’m insecure.
It makes me squirm a little just to write it. But it’s true. I am insecure.
Big deal, you might be thinking, considering each and every human being on the planet is probably insecure about something. I know, I’m not unique or special, but here’s why my insecurity really sucks…
…because no one knows (I mean, they do now since I just announced it on a blog). People around me assume that I have my ‘ish together. My hair is done, my house is clean, my kids are well-dressed, my marriage rocks. And basically, those are the things people take inventory of when deciding if someone has it together or not.
Oh, well, she’s not disheveled or drunk, so yeah…she’s good.
But, I’m not so good. Actually, lately, I’ve been bad. Actually, actually, I’ve been sad. I don’t discount post-pregnancy hormone shifts that wildly vary from me feeling like crying to me feeling like screaming are contributing, but it’s more than that… Continue reading I’m Not Roadkill
Holy crap, it’s November. I’ve been excited it’s finally Fall and the holidays are around the corner. What are your favorite things about Fall?
Mine include raiding my kids Halloween stash, eating other people’s delicious seasonal baked goods, and consuming lots of turkey and cranberries. Yeah, it’s all food related. Don’t judge me.
Okay, so onto this week’s Friday Findings:
The people who brought us the Bible on our phones–YouVersion, now has a new Bible app for kids. The homeschooling mom in me is geeked out about this, in fact. Looks like it might pretty good instead of really cheesy like most Christian kid things.
Sonny wrote a great post called “When We Were Asexual.” Don’t be fooled by the title either. It’s not what you think and it’s so good.
My husband is a go-getter. You know, one of those people who is full of ideas and then writes down goals and then achieves said goals. He even wrote a personal mission statement. I did not. But this post inspired me to maybe go ahead and write one anyway.
Can an Introvert Really Be a Pastor? The title of this post sort of got me all huffy. “Of course they can! For the millionth time–Introverts like people!” This guy has a different take and while I don’t agree with all of his points, it’s a valuable read.
Rapper Ja Rule Talks About How Hillsong Changed His Life. I wish he had just yelled “Jesus!” but I still love watching stuff like this. God can use any church, any pastor, any believer, any gathering to reach whomever He chooses.
Some people think she looks like me, but I don’t see it. She is her own–a familiar face, but not mine.
Yet, every once in a while, she’ll smile, or throw her head back and laugh, or execute a line with such dramatic flair and grandiose hand gestures that I’m convinced she is me reincarnated.
Her brown skin baked by the sun and long days in the pool. She holds up her arm to mine to compare our brown-ness. We are tied, I say, but her color is a different shade than mine–filled with her daddy, and her own-ness, and tomorrow.
And I wonder what I did to deserve her or know her. I wonder what I did to make her like me, let alone love me, when so many days I’ve failed. Beyond failed. Life ruining mess-ups…or so I think.
Her being my first, left to suffer my parenting mistakes alone. The first born, carrying the burden of my inexperience, my frustration, and my downright ignorance.
But her back, and heart, and spirit are strong. Stronger than I know, and she so often slips quietly and freely into her role as eldest. A position she was literally born to hold and destine to fill. And she fills it with grace and ease. Even when it is hard, she lifts her chin and surprises me.
Let me start by saying “thank you.” Thank you for sticking with me despite my virtual disappearance from this blog. Thank you for being patient with me while I figured out what the heck I’m doing. Thank you for still being willing to read and be a part of this community. You guys are the best. Really. I mean it.
Secondly, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for just leaving and not telling you where I was going. To be honest, I didn’t intend on leaving. I took one week off due to busyness. The next week I felt uninspired. The following weeks I was on vacation and then really sick. And before I knew it, over a month had gone by without so much as a “Hey dude, what’s up?” from me. So I’m sorry.
Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way. Let’s talk. I’ve had some things on my mind and I gotta tell you guys.
Last week, I turned 33. (This, I don’t wanna talk about.) But, every year my birthday rolls around I can’t help but get all reflective and introspective. Which got me thinking about Modern Reject. In doing so, I realized that I have really been lacking motivation, passion, and vision for my writing. Continue reading The Future of Modern Reject
I’m an introvert and like any good introvert I avoid people. Well, not avoid people, so much as don’t like people. I’m kidding. Sorta.
Basically, I need my space…and a lot of it.
And also like any good introvert, I especially dislike meeting new people. I get squirmy (on the inside) and sometimes feel like I’m going to barf (on the outside). I take time to really like people. I might love you right away because Jesus has this thing He does that makes that possible, but the liking part and the trusting part and the open and vulnerable part, that takes time.
Unless of course Jesus is doing something else, which He is known to do. . So when that something else happens, my introversion goes out the window. My heart bursts forth, my arms fling wide open, my spirit smiles because it knows…
So a while back, one of my favorite people on the planet, Renee Ronika asked me if I’d like to be a part of something big. Something unique. Something that would impact the Kingdom in new ways. Something just for women.
I, of course, said “Heck yes! Where do I sign up?”
Now, here I am, along with a team of amazingly talented, bright, and Spirit-filled women launching the first ever:
Today is the third and final installment of the 3 part series on my physical healing. If you haven’t read Part 1 and 2, catch up!
As I sat studying the list the Lord had just given me, I was certain that much of what I heard was simply made up. Right? It had to be. I had written down things that seemed completely ridiculous–comical even. I was sure that they didn’t even exist.
One such item I heard was “artichoke.” Yes, artichoke, as in the spiny delicious vegetables I like to drown in butter. And you know when you hear something from the Lord and He leaves you with an impression or a feeling? Where nothing was explicitly stated, but in general, you have a sense about something?
Well, this is often how I “hear” the Lord, although it is more like “feeling” the Lord. All that to say, I somehow knew that the word “artichoke” didn’t mean I supposed to just eat a bunch of them. I was supposed to take artichoke as a supplement.
I also knew this was the case because many of the other items on my God-given grocery list were vitamins or nutritional supplements of some kind.
Today is the (belated) follow-up to last week’s post about my physical healing. If you missed last week’s post, part 1, here you go.
I had never felt so surrounded, covered, encompassed while others were praying for me before. And while I don’t remember all of what was prayed, I remember bits and pieces.
One person began praying for my blood. They then left the room and another person came in and they too began praying for my blood, not having heard the first prayer.
Another brother in my church began to pray for an impartation (or literally a “transfer”) of faith. He is full of faith, and me, not so much. He laid hands upon me and asked that God give me the same faith that he holds.
I cried more and yet felt full of God’s peace.
And then like that, the prayer was over. I sat still a bit emotionally overwhelmed by what I had shared and by how my church family and God had responded.
The remainder of the night went on as usual, filled with more ministry, food, and fellowship. While talking with my sister and friend Carrington, she said something that would forever change me. While casually talking with me about the prayer that I had just received, she said these words: Continue reading My Physical Healing: Part 2
I’m not even sure how to write this post. I don’t know where to begin or where to end, so forgive me if I ramble. Or cry. Or blubber all over the page.
