Your Husband is NOT a Pervert: Part 1

Your Husband is Not a Pervert

from the archives

It goes without saying that men are visual creatures. We know that “sex sells,” and one of the main reasons for that is because men are visual. It is not women who are usually buying sex, so to speak.

But if a woman could spend a day inside a man’s mind, would she be disgusted and horrified to find out just how much he actually thinks of sex? Would a wife, for instance, end up thinking her husband is a pervert? Probably. That’s how much the male mind focuses on sex.

The truth is, though: your husband is NOT a pervert. He is a man and, like every other man, his sexuality is quite simple to understand.Prager says men have 5 components of sexuality: the power of the visual, the immediacy of arousal, the tendency to sexually objectify women, the need for variety, and genital,–as opposed to emotional–arousal. Update: Many people, in the comments, were quick to point out, that these facts about male sexual nature are a result of the Fall, not God’s design. Thus both men and women’s sexual nature is a result of our sin, not God’s plan. Regardless of the origin of male nature, it is still his nature. I’m not debating how men came to be the way they are, but simply acknowledging the truth about their behavior.

Women often don’t like to talk about male sexuality, know nothing about it, or both. Sure, ladies understand that men like sex and want sex, maybe even that they have sex on the brain, but that’s about it. We never stop to understand that men have drastically different views  of sex than women. If women could begin to fully understand male sexuality, marriages could be transformed. It is that important.

Women who have been married only a month can testify to the fact that men are very visual. They can also testify to the second component of male sexuality: the immediate arousal of a man. Woman (although not all women) tend to more  like steam engines, as you add heat, they slowly speed up and gain momentum. Men tend to be more like sports cars–0 to 60 in 4.2 seconds.

The third point of male sexuality, however, is the male’s tendency to sexually objectify women. I don’t like thinking about this one. This area of male sexuality is where men can begin to look more like pigs than men. We can be quick to call men chauvinistic and the like, but not so when we consider the first two points:

If men are extremely visual and experience immediate arousal, it follows that they would also naturally see women as sex objects. This does not mean all men see all women as sex objects all the time. A man who is sexually fulfilled in a committed and loving marriage, I do not think is walking around objectifying women, but left to his own devices, he might be.

The goal for women is to understand that sexual objectification of women, by men, is natural. However, that does not mean it’s acceptable or necessary. The goal for a man, on the other hand, is to become more emotionally attached and connected to the woman he loves, so that he does not objectify her–or any other woman, for that matter.

Then we get into the male need for sexual variety. Wives especially do not like this area of discussion. I sure don’t. I don’t want my husband seeking out or experiencing “variety.” I want him to come home and experience his boring ‘ol wife every single day for the rest of his life. Hmm… see the conflict there? Men tend to sexually desire lots of different women. However, men sacrifice this  desire for variety and instead choose to commit themselves to one woman for the rest of their life in marriage. The desire for variety does not go away. The acting upon it does.

A wife’s response should be acknowledgment of this fact and thankfulness that he chose one woman to spend forever with–you. I know this might sound archaic, but it is true. A faithful married man is a treasure and a blessing, especially in a world so fraught with divorce and infidelity.

With this in mind, a wife’s response should also be to add variety. Do not be the boring ol’ wife. Be the confident, sexually comfortable, up-for-new things-and-not-the-same-old-bedroom-routine-wife. Be his sexual variety.

Lastly, men are aroused by genital contact, whereas women are more so aroused by emotional connectedness. This one is free for all my fellas out there: If you had an argument, any kind of bickering or disagreement in the last 24 hours with your wife, don’t expect sex unless those things have been resolved. Women want to feel like they are loved before sex. Men feel loved because of sex.

My hope for this post is to have men and women, husbands and wives, openly discuss their sexuality and how it affects their relationships as a whole. My other hope is that wives will take time to understand their husband’s sexual needs and wants, not chastise or judge them for it, and then use that knowledge to improve their sex life.

A good sex life is just like a good marriage. Faith aside, it is built upon trust and communication… and a little adventurous fun never hurt anyone, either.

If you’re a woman, have you embraced–or denied–these facts? What do you do to help you remember these things? If you’re a man, do you feel your wife understands your needs? What else would you add to the conversation?

And if you like this post be sure to check out Part 2, written by my very own husband, Jonathan, on how my understanding of his sexual nature has affected our marriage

post image here

62 thoughts on “Your Husband is NOT a Pervert: Part 1”

    1. Men & women are, indeed, very different. But men are not necessarily more sexual or desire variety more than women just by genetic design. Women face sexual oppression daily, a woman is taught to suppress her sexual desires – a promiscuous woman is deemed undesirable & tagged with all sorts of insults & condemnation. Many women are aroused immediately & desire different men as well. Sure, more of us dig emotional connectedness as part of our sexual experience than many men, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t turned on by variety. There’s so much focus & attention put to make sexuality in an encouraging way (“hey women, understand his sexuality so you can satisfy it”) & so much negative attention put on female sexuality (if you want to learn more about it – it’s called mate guarding, it’s evolved as a way of oppressing female sexuality because her being promiscuous hurts her mate’s reproductive success whereas as his promiscuity does not harm his mate’s). Men, FYI, if you’re not understanding her sexual needs & accommodating her desires, she’s most like as likely to commit infidelity or be as perverted but also more likely to be better at hiding it or covering it up.

  1. I consider myself more of a lifted 4×4 truck than a sports car, but that’s another story…

    I’ll just leave this thought here: Does God have something of a sadistic sense of humor? Men and women are so different, and by our very design, we’re pretty much hard wired to have toxic relationships from day one.

    1. “Toxic” is a very strong word. I disagree. I think He’s designed us to be *complementary* to one another. However, if we don’t understand that complementary nature, it could easily become *conflicting* nature. That’s my thought, at least.

    2. I was thinking something similar to that as I was typing this post, Joey.

      I think Jonathan said it well. The point too, is that God wants men and women to learn from one another , I think, in all areas not just sex.

      But specifically in regards to sex men can learn to be more emotionally connected. women can learn to be more physically engaging, etc. Men and women need to understand each other’s differences though and use them to benefit their relationships not harm them.

    3. @Joey My father likes to say that every personality trait has both a good side and a bad side. What makes us well-matched when used rightly can make us toxic when used wrongly. The responsible person can also be the obsessive person. The laid back personality can also be the lazy one. The bad side always comes from human self-interest, and is thus a part of the nature of sin’s corruption in our lives. The toxicity doesn’t come from God’s design; it comes from misuse of God’s design. When all people in a situation are following God’s will, you will find no toxicity because the focus is on God’s interests, not our own. James 4:1-3 is appropriate here, where James tells the believers that their quarrels and fighting arise from their selfish desires at war within them, because they are trying to get by their own devices what they feel they do not have. They don’t ask God, or they ask God but He does not give it because their reasons for asking are selfish.

  2. Interesting post, indeed. But I have a question. When you said, “Men are wired to sexually want lots of different women. God created them that way. ” don’t you think they are wired that way because of the fall? That God’s original design was NOT for the lust of the eyes and the desire for multiple women, but for one wife and that’s why He created ONE wife for adam and not several? I dunno. That sentence jumped out at me, big time.

    Also…it might be important to add that although men are typically wired this way there are many women who are also wired like this. I think so often in most circles (Christian circles especially) women are portrayed as steam engines (which is most often typical) but sometimes they just aren’t. I think sometimes (and more often than we think) women also desire a variety of men and yet it’s not nearly as acknowledged as the fact that men do. Ya know what I mean? I dunno, just a thought.

    Very interesting post, girl! Love it!

    Mel

    1. Mel, dude…such good questions! My husband and I were discussing.

      I personally think men were more so designed by God to like variety, but I’m not 100% sold on that point either. To play devil’s advocate though, here are a few points…

      1. After the fall, God says to Eve what will essentially happen to her (women) specifically. “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” Genesis 3:16. The Lord says nothing to Adam in this regard.

      2. There are tons of verses about men needing to flee from lust, the adulteress, sex, etc. Solomon warned his son that his wife’s breast should satisfy him and no one else. Women, do not receive this kind of scriptural instruction.

      3. Also, even if men are only visual by design, it begs the question: Doesn’t visual stimulation lend itself to variety, since all they see can potentially be a turn-on? This one is a little weaker argument, I admit.

      To your second question, I totally agree! I am a little less of a steam engine than most women I think. I was definitely making a generalization. You bring up a great point though-that the church doesn’t even talk about women’s sexual nature or needs, especially women who are less steam engine and more sports car. (side note, is also becoming an epidemic as more women are seeking to be sexually aggressive and adventurous) I feel another blog post coming on!

      Again, great questions Mel! I certainly don’t have all the answers. I think the first question is open to all kinds of interpretation. Thanks so much!

      1. Hmm…very interesting. Though, I’m still not convinced. All the points you made were after the fall which isn’t how God ultimately designed it. I think if that’s how God had designed men he would have made more than one wife for Adam. But instead He took one rib and created one wife and that was it. It was after the fall that it was typical to have multiple wives (noah & his son’s still had only one wife) and it was further along in history–further from the world that Christ intended it to be–that men started having multiple wives. I think it’s more of a result of the fall that create this desire that men want a variety of women, than the way God designed it. I personally think men (and/or women) want variety because they want what they can’t have. We all do. And variety is other than what we have, and after getting married it’s what we can’t have. Ya know what I mean?

        Your third point is good and the one I was stuck on the most. Along those lines I think we’re called to be disciplined (and pray for Jesus’ strength) to look away from the (negative) visually stimulating things. I dunno, the statement just seems like it’s playing with fire, to me. I think it just gives men validation that the way they are bent to be is normal and how God designed it. If it was, I think God would have created it that way in the beginning, ya know?

        So interesting, though! I never really thought of it that way. Keep it comin’, girl!! I look forward to next week! :)

        1. Mel, I agree about God only creating one wife for Adam as some proof of man’s design. However, just because God gave Adam only one wife does not mean that Adam’s design is counter that his reality. It could be that while man’s design is to desire variety, one of God’s safeguards against such behavior was to create marriage–one man and one woman.

          To my last point, I disagree that recognizing the male tendency towards variety is giving them a free pass. Millions of men are happily and faithfully married to one woman, that does not mean that they never have the desire for variety. It means they do not satisfy that desire.

          Women, for example, are emotional. We feel. We talk. We feel again. God designed women, I think, to be more emotional. Women however use their emotions as a free pass all the time. Women cry, have tantrums, outbursts, meltdowns–and are often times excused because well, “that’s how women are.” If men don’t get to use their God given desires as ammunition and as an excuse, neither should women.

          Thanks for commenting again Mel. This is good stuff!

      2. I have a husband who would never cheat (pretty sure), but he is seriously “in” to variety. I am not sure, though, that it is simply an issue of men wanting variety in the bedroom. Men and women might just be more easily bored in all areas of their life. My husband simply cannot keep a car for more than 6 months before he starts talking about trading or selling. That is his nature in all areas of his life. It may just be that some people are more adventurous, or even just easily bored. Like, a woman who buys a nice purse, and then is tired of it in 2 weeks. Maybe she is more likely to want variety in the bedroom than the man who can get something new and keep it forever. I am not articulate like the rest of your article and comments, but maybe I am being clear enough.

  3. I love that you are talking about this stuff. Sadly I think where most Christian men get their “variety” is through pornography. Don’t you agree?

    Thank you for the reminder to be *his* variety.

    1. I would agree, but I think some men get variety from seemingly benign things like T.V. shows, magazines, women they know in real life. It doesn’t take much and there sure is sexual explicit content and visuals everywhere we look.

      But I do agree that part of the reason pornography is so prevalent, especially among men, is because of their visual arousal and desire for variety. Yes, wives being his variety is so important!

  4. mmm…somebody’s got to be the theology police here.

    In regards to the sentence “Men are wired to sexually want lots of different women. God created them that way.” If by created you’re referring to BEFORE the fall of sin nature, then that is either:
    1. mormon theology, or
    2. extreme 7-point calvinism, that God created sin, or
    3. heresy

    It doesn’t matter what any of us feel or think, we have to look at the text. Genesis 1-3 makes clear God’s perfect creation and perfect design: one man, one woman.

    If we use emotion and personal experience to say that God’s “creation” is actually a desire for multiple women — simply because some men desire that, then homosexuals can use the exact same argument. God’s “creation” is actually a desire for samesex partners — because some men desire THAT. Or fill in the blank with what any fallen man desires sexually — rape, etc.

    This is a slippery unBiblical slope that has to be called out.

    The moment we start judging human nature by our own emotions, rather than by God’s Word, well, why bother to call ourselves Bible believing?

    Basic, basic theology 101.
    Life as we know it is NOT Plan A. It’s called the fall. We are born broken. And the best of man and woman (sexually, emotionally, mentally, etc.) is twisted.

    We don’t devise God’s intent by investigating our experiences any more than we devise an architect’s intent by investigating a home that’s been ravaged by a tornado. (Thus, God gave us His objective Word, because our hearts are “deceitful and desperately wicked.”)

    We are, as Francis Schaeffer wrote, “a glorious ruin.” Glorious in that we still bear God’s image, but ruined by sin in every smudge of DNA.

    To take this blog seriously — as a legitimate voice to Bible believing Christians — I think you might consider clarifying the statement that God “created” men with a desire to break the Ninth Commandment. (Satan and our own sin get all the credit for that, orthodox theologians agree.)

    God “created” us perfectly, and our sins have distorted His perfect plan. He volunteered to pay the price for our mistakes — not because He made us broken, but because He loves us too much to leave us in OUR brokenness. Well, that’s what we call the Gospel.

    If you lose “the fall,” you lose the Gospel.
    God didn’t design husbands to disobey any of His 10 Commandments, including “thy neighbor’s wife.”

    But thankfully, He loves us even though we do.

    You know I love you as a dear sister regardless of our opinions — whether we see eye to eye, or not. You also know that love speaks the truth. So, I’m pretty sure that’s the truth.

    From a fallen-redeemed heart of love.

    1. I don’t dispute any of what you said. A few other people have called out the same sentence that you have.

      The point of my post though was to address male sexual nature, so that women can better understand it, hopefully resulting in better sex lives. My post was not meant to be a theological discussion on the fall of man. I see though how my statement about God creating man to desire variety has led to that discussion.

      Regardless however, of when man began to desire variety or became visually stimulated, it does not change the point of my post: men do and are now and women should be aware of this fact, especially in their own marriages.

      I believe God did create men and women to be quite different, especially in regards to sex. Do you? I understand the need to clarify this theological point, as it is an important one, but for the purposes of addressing the differences between men and women, I do not think it as crucial. I’m not so much interested in when men and women became different, as to why and how. I’m sorry if that sounds like a cop out. I really however, cannot say that I 100% know for certain one way or another. It is still something that I am working through. Despite your 1) Mormon, 2) Calvinist or 3) heresy parameters, I hope there is a little more room for grace in there. I know God has certainly been gracious to me whenever I am working out my faith and for that I am thankful.

      Blessings and thank you for your remarks. I understand your heart motivation and the need to express them.

    2. Also, because, as you pointed out, my blog might not be taken “seriously,” I added a clause in my post regarding the Fall. I considered deleting the whole post, since I do not fully know what I believe on this one point of male sexuality. I almost feel like I’m lying, but since you declare it’s Truth, I’m sure the Lord won’t mind. Thanks.

    3. Wow Johannis you completely just missed the point of this blog. Thanks for your input though. Nicole, thank you for this read as it’s extremely relevant to every man in todays culture.

      1. Thanks Matt. I appreciate that! My husband is always so stoked when I bring up this issue with women since many men feel they cannot. Tomorrow my husband is actually writing part 2 of Your Husband is NOT a Pervert. I hope you’ll check it out. Blessings to you and a big thank you for the encouragement.

  5. I have a few problems with this post because unfortunately>>>>some men give way to their flesh EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE A SEXUAL LOVING DYNAMO @ home. which is unfortunately my dilemma. i found this post searching for ‘my husband IS a pervert. he has major issues & no matter what i’ve done to sustain his interest he HAS TO LOOK elsewhere…especially big busted & YOUNG women (we are in our mid-forties). i have always been confident and actually love myself, however his issues have done a great deal of damage to my ego & i’m feeling that i may never be the same around him….i dont even want to go in public with him anymore. around other men i feel GREAT. the damage his ‘desire’ for variety has done to us is inexcusable.

  6. I have a few problems with this post because unfortunately>>>>some men give way to their flesh EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE A SEXUAL LOVING DYNAMO @ home. which is unfortunately my dilemma. i found this post searching for ‘my husband IS a pervert. he has major issues & no matter what i’ve done to sustain his interest he HAS TO LOOK elsewhere…especially big busted & YOUNG women (we are in our mid-forties). i have always been confident and actually love myself, however his issues have done a great deal of damage to my ego & i’m feeling that i may never be the same around him….i dont even want to go in public with him anymore. around other men i feel GREAT. the damage his ‘desire’ for variety has done to us is inexcusable and now i am ‘looking’ elsewhere.

  7. Everyone is quick to point the finger, the blame, and (in some situations) a firearm at the male species for “dabbling” in affairs. To be sure, the male is to take responsibility for wandering and dabbling (or diving in head first). But I think often, there is something that is missed. What if the male is seeking fulfillment because his Christian wife isn’t meeting his needs? By all means BOTH parties made a commitment to each other. Yes, for sure the man needs to “man up” and be responsible for his actions. BUT….

    Some of the responsibly falls on the wife to keep her man happy and coming home every night. As a man I don’t “get” my wife’s emotional need, but I know its there. Just like she doesn’t “get” my need for the physical act, but I hope she understands that it’s there – like it or not.

    And believe me, my temptation to “wander”, not into an affair but into other temptations of the flesh, is MUCH MUCH MUCH reduced when my needs are met.

    Just as men need to “man up” for their actions, I think the same applies to women who withdraw or with hold sex from their husband – and then are surprised when he falls into temptation.

    (and I realize I may have painted a bright red target on my forehead and my back for saying these things).

    Great post. Looking forward to part 2

  8. regardless of how they got that way, men do like/desire/appreciate variety. to dispute it is foolishness and not the point of this post. it is also no surprise to men. they’ve understood this about themselves since the beginning of ever. the good ones also understand it is controllable and make the choice to man up and commit. God is still very much in it for them by expecting self control and every other fruit of the Spirit.

    doesn’t mean it’s not fun though…

    1. Sharideth, you are certainly right that men know this about themselves, but very often fail to communicate this to women, leaving women in the dark and thinking the worst.

      And yes, men must learn to submit their desire for variety to God (or to their wife for an unbeliever). In the end though, the reward is so much sweeter.

      Thank you for taking the time to comment.

  9. I find it funny thAt you people quote scripture. Women were servants thanks to the time, nothing more.

    Men were told to remain faithful to exert controll over population. They were told not to use birth controll because the religious affiliated armies needed fodder, and the church needed its peasants tithing and paying its collectors/confessors.

    Now, women use the fact that they don’t care about sex as a means to controll the man. And if they lose controll, they get a large payday.

    This has nothing to do with god. The daily comings and goings don’t matter. Free will and all that.

    Women will withhold sex. Men will withhold emotion. Resentment settles in. Divorce. Roun two, the woman stops withholding sex. Has a happy. 2nd marriage.

    Man tries finding younger spouse thinking the libido will sync, she hasn’t been divorced. So she withholds sex. 2nd divorce for man. Now he is old and figures that he will just date college students untill they tire while he tries to find a need to fulfill his relationship.

    Meanwhile, kids suffer.

    This is true more often than not, do not cast stones

  10. I can’t wait to read all of this article. As a matter of fact, I’m going to print it out. I was trying to have some of this same discussion with my husband last night.

    What if it is you (as the wife) that desires more sex than her husband? When we first got married, we could help but have sex a lot but now it’s just like, I feel like I have to be the one to start something. And when he does want to, it’s only when he’s in the mood and it feels like at the most inopportune (sp?) times.

    We talked about how he faced some temptations at a conference that he was at and that next time he is bringing me. (I prayed a lot that weekend.) Then I wonder is it me. I’m not necessarily denying him sex. He says it’s not.

    I went into this marriage with him stating that he was afraid that I wouldn’t want sex and now I’m the one wondering, does he want it.

    Help!

  11. I enjoyed this post and will be working towards adding some variety. I know you are making a generalization when you say that all men crave variety, but I also know men who love habit, the same things every day, don’t mess up their routine or they WILL get cranky.

    Here is something else that I wonder: is pornography affecting women to be more visually stimulated? Women don’t generally view pornography, but the grocery check out line is filled with magazines like “Cosmopolitan” and “Shape”, which has scantily clad women and men on its cover EVERY week, not to mention the romance novels with pictures of shirtless men embracing women. After the last summer Olympics, they American gymnasts toured the country putting on a show where the girls wore skimpy outfits and the men went shirtless. I know this because some of parents who were in my daughter’s gymnastics team went to see it and were VERY disappointed at the inappropriate clothing and these people weren’t necessarily using Christian standards of modesty. All of this visual, in-your-face stimulation has to affect women, too

  12. While it might sound reasonable and natural for a man to objectify women, I would hardly list that as a “vital” part of his sexuality. I appreciate that you qualify your observation with some attempt to place responsibility on men regarding how they respond to this wiring. Thank you for that and for opening up a dialogue about these potentially hurtful elements of male sexuality.

  13. I feel like these hit many of the surface issues well. But there is a spiritual dynamic in a healthy, covenant relationship that wasn’t touched.

    More than just feeling loved, women are aroused by intimacy. There’s a spiritual intimacy that is formed in covenant and must be cultivated regularly.

    I’m learning this in my own marriage just a few months in. It’s more than words. It’s more than touch. It’s a spiritual, intimate connection that must be cultivated which unlocks healthy sexuality.

    1. To be clear, when referring to a spiritual connection, I’m not talking about reading the Bible together. Although discussing your relationship and praying together can be a big turn on for some women!

    2. Tony,
      I agree and think you made some wise observations. I would add that, for myself, one of the ways I feel loved is through intimacy–be it emotional, spiritual or physical. Not sure which comes first though–being loved or intimacy. I’d guess the former comes first because if my husband is loving me, he is seeking ways to be intimate beyond the sexual.

      At any rate, I appreciate your perspective and thoughts! You got me thinking!

  14. Nicole, I really love your posts – they are frequently so thought provoking for me!

    I’m not exactly sure what I think about this one. As a woman, it’s difficult to understand what it really is like to be a man.

    I really like that you point out choice and responsibility though. While all of this may be true about men, ultimately it is their choice whether to act on their feelings. That’s a vital lesson in every area of life. We cannot always act on our feelings and in some cases it would be wrong to do so. “Do what you feel” way be the worst advice ever. :)

    I also really like that you have balanced this view in the past with the point that women also need to be responsible and make smart choices with our God-given natures. I may frequently feel like crying, but if I gave into that feeling every time I experienced it, I would be a dysfunctional mess.

    There are times and places to appropriately express our feelings (whether sexual or emotional).

    While I think it’s every individual’s responsibility to make good choices, I also like the idea that we help each other by providing healthy outlets. I agree that both husbands and wives need to SEEK to understand each other’s sexual and emotional needs and then do their best to accommodate those needs in their marriage.

    Overall, I really like this post because I feel it encourages marriage to be a grace-filled place for men.

  15. Well, now. I’ve had the majority of the day to ponder this one, and all I could come up with was that the first thing our Father did was bless Adam and Eve and told them to be fruitful and multiply. To me this means, well, heh, go on and start getting bizzy, what?!

    Then, what did our Father do to the two of them after The Fall? The first thing He did was alter the fruitful and multiply blessing for Eve, and since then, it has been an area of controversy, pain, and debate. (By the way, He didn’t curse Adam, but He did curse the ground that Adam would work with sweat, tears, and misery. Interesting, that.)

    So man gets smacked with difficulty in being a provider, and woman gets smacked with being a mother and a wife. Hm. All because of sin. And we feel it to this day.

    Just a thought.

  16. I just want to say that I love your website! And I love when Christians talk about sex :)

    We do need to be careful however, about making woman feel like if their husband is looking at porn it’s her fault because she isnt sexy enough. When I first got married I was determined to be the best wife ever! Lots of sex, lots of cooking, tried not to nag, made sure I looked good (most of the time lol). So I was shocked when I found out my hubby had an addiction to porn. He even said he was lusting after women at work, at the store, magazines in the checkout line, etc. It made me feel horrible, like I wasn’t satisfying him. After going to a support group for women who are married to men who have issues with lust, I see that MANY men have this problem and most of the time it has NOTHING to do with their wives. My husband even admits that I have been very very good to him. He was just being greedy as justifying it by saying “He’s a man.” But this is NOT God’s will for men- that they be slaves to their lust.

    By nature a man is easily aroused, but it is A LOT worse these days because of the culture we live in! Men have always enjoyed looking at women and that’s fine but now its everywhere. And when women start competing with it, it sort of reinforces the idea that women are made soley to be viewed by men. We start to get our self worth from how we look. Don’t get me wrong, I keep myself looking good so as not to give the Devil a foothold in my marriage, but I now know it is not my fault that my husband struggles with porn. A wife cannot compete with porn. Even if you are one of the most beautiful women in the world, there is ALWAYS going to be someone equally beautiful, but in a different way. Also, a man addicted to porn usually has intimacy issues thus perpetuating the cycle, and they also get caught up in the fantasy of it all. If you, as a wife get, get glammed up all the time, but your husband has an addiction, you are actually NOT helping. When my husband got help, he told a friend, and his friend got help too because he had a problem as well! A lot of men have this problem. And when you think about it- women look better than ever now days because of cosmetics, surgery, the pressure from the media, etc. Wives look better too, men should be happy, but porn is still a huge issue! So the drive to look sexy all the time hurts women and men.

    So if there are any men reading this: especially if you have a good woman at home, BE FAITHFUL and enjoy her. It doesn’t hurt to look, but it does hurt to lust (it will hurt your walk with God and your wife’s heart). Try to ignore the world’s shouts that the grass is greener because it actually is not. My husband has admitted that he was a slave to his lust and he felt horrible as a Christian man. Even when I didnt know about it, it was affecting our relationship and his ability to lead us spiritually! And now he has to deal with me being a good wife simply out of duty and he hates that I’m not in love with him the way I used to be. But this is the natural consequence of a man being unfaithful to his wife. I look forward to the day when we will be in love again :)

    One more thing: I always tried to be sexy. But now, I spend less time on myself and more time with God and helping others. I keep myself attractive by eating healthy and staying fit, but I don’t wear a lot of makeup, and don’t do all the extras like I used to. And my marriage has actually been better because my husband has finally realized that women do not exist for his enjoyment. I think he is living in reality now- that most of the women he sees are fake- they put a ton of effort into looking good. I look more natural these days (but again, when you eat healthy and exercise you are going to look good- but in a more natural way) and I am focusing on my relationship with God and being a great wife and mom. And things are better because my husband is in the process of renewing his mind and how he thinks about women. “Treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters” 1 Tim 5:2

    Sorry this is so long. I think what I am trying to say is that when a man is truly in love with the Lord and avoids people, places, and media that stimulates lust, he will be happier in his marriage; it will be easier for him to stay satisfied with his wife. So basically, I am not putting the pressure all on myself to prevent my husband from lusting after other women. Instead I am looking more natural these days and not trying to compete with magazines. And my hubby and I are really staying in the Word and focusing on loving each other. When we used to go out, I would always get dressed up and other men would look at me- now that I know what I know about the nature of sexual addiction, I try to always look plain in public because I don’t want to be a stumbling block for other men. But I do not condone “letting yourself go!” Keep yourself healthy and fit, but just realize that you do not need to compete with women in magazines because they do not represent reality. And when women everywhere try to look sexy all the time they are contributing to the lust so many men have to deal with.

    Men: enjoy your wives.

    1. @Love,

      This line brought a huge smile to my spirit as a husband:
      “Instead I am looking more natural these days and not trying to compete with magazines.”

      Brava! Brava, indeed! For it is a sure truth that what my bride, (and most women), are told to believe from any one of the popular women’s magazines is rubbish. It is plasticine, counterfeit, fraudulent, manipulative, and in my opinion, one step above witchcraft.

      Each time I see these women on the covers of these magazines and read the titles of the articles contained therein, I think two things:
      1. Wow, your dad must be so proud!
      2. I really want to buy that woman a sandwich, or pay for her to go to rehab.

      1. @ Donald- It makes my day when a man can admit that the images the media puts out there are ridiculous. @Nicole- hope I didn’t get too far off topic :)

  17. With regards to the variety debate, I have a couple of thoughts.

    I think the term “stimulant” may be very useful. I don’t think it’s so much that men are looking for variety as that they’re looking for physical and mental stimulation. With visual being one of the strong stimulant sources, the sight of a woman whether in real or virtual form has the capacity to be stimulating because they have the necessary equipment for the activity men are inclined to think about. Some sights will or won’t stimulate a particular man, or stimulate to a differing degree between different men. Both body and brain also have a capacity to grow accustomed to a stimulant and react with decreasing intensity to repeated exposure to an *identical* stimulant. Porn is not at all unlike drugs in that there are many varieties because individual tastes differ and also in that many “users” have to keep pursuing new types in an endless search for the same “high”. All stimulating substances or things have the capacity to become addictive. It’s pursuit of an experience, not so much the thing itself.

    Seeing that a woman is attractive isn’t wrong. It’s when you go from noticing attractiveness to fantasizing about interacting with that attractiveness that we cross into sin. It’s why Job said he made a covenant with his eyes not to look at a woman lustfully. It’s also why Solomon focuses on choosing to be ravished with your wife’s love. Physical and mental reaction may happen without our choosing it in the moment, but we do have a choice in where we take it from there. Human beings aren’t meant to be creatures of pure impulse; we have impulses, but part of what separates us from animals is the ability to choose to act contrary to the impulses or channel them into proper venues. Which is essentially, I think what Solomon and Job are talking about; choosing to make your wife the only direction you’re willing to allow those impulses to express themselves. Sometimes that takes help, even professional help, if it’s gotten a powerful hold on you. Male or female, God meant for nothing to be in control of us except Him.

    1. Jonathan, which one of Solomon’s seven hundred wives (or three hundred concubines) do you think he decided to focus on? (1 Kings 11:3) Men aren’t looking for variety, eh?

      Actually I do agree with what you said here. I just have a hard time including Solomon in this part of the conversation, since we are discussing ‘wife’ in the singular. ;-)

  18. Good Post! But I don’t know if men are more visual than women…ALL I did in high school and college was lust after the cute boys!!! All of my girlfriends loved to look at hot guys too. Get any woman alone in a room with Jude Law or Johnny Depp and see what happens! We are not less visual! I could be wrong, but I think the difference between men and women is that, traditionally, when it comes time to settle down women have been trained to suppress our need for visual enticement and instead opt for the “nice guy” who will take care of us and any future children we might have. Traditionally, in a male dominated world, men have been the choosers, while women have prettied themselves up to make themselves more likely to be chosen. As for the Bible giving the command to men to not lust, look at it this way: MOST of the commands in the Bible are directed specifically toward men! Doesn’t mean they don’t apply to women. The fact of the matter is that the Bible was written at a time when the world was very male dominated. That’s why all of the authors of the books in the Bible are men. Men weren’t even supposed to associate with women in public in certain cultures. And a woman, without a man to take care of her, was considered completely desolate.

    So because woman, traditionally, have needed men (i.e. financial security) we have learned not to value appearance as much because we need other things! On the other hand, because men don’t necessarily need women (other than sexual enjoyment) it would make sense that men seem to be more visual… because what else do they need? If you don’t need a woman to take care of you, of course you will choose based on looks.

    Add to this our current hyper-sexualized media that targets men and reduces them to animals, and it’s a perfect breeding ground for perverts!

    But no, I don’t think men (in general) are perverts. They like to look at attractive people, but so do women. But when we get married… we go for the nice guy who isn’t necessarily hot.

    But anyway you look at it, in a marriage, more sex is good!

  19. Thanks for these reminders. As a newlywed, I don’t like to think about these things very often, but it really is important to know and understand the nature of men, even if they are only this way because of the fall.

    I think there are a lot of ways that wives can be exciting to their husbands. It could be sending sexy pictures (although if your guy struggles with porn, I don’t know if I’d suggest), or just changing up your look and working to stay fit and attractive.

    I always ask my husband what hairstyle he likes on me or what clothes look good on me… he seems to like variety, which is what you confirm here. The need for men to have variety sexually can be scary for wives, but it also can be fun for wives if we take on the task of being that sexual variety!

    Thank you for also reminding us that a faithful husband who chooses to be with one wife is a true gift. I’m sure my husband would thank you as well!

  20. My husband just read this post with me and he was amazed how a woman was able to so accurately describe male sexuality. We too have had to battle his male sexual nature. If you want to read more on this I recommend The Sexual Male, by a Dr. Hart. Not a Christian book outright, but the author is a Christian. The book that convicted my husband after years of lusting was Every Man’s Battle. It taught him Christian perspective on lust and things to do to battle it. Thanks for a great post!

  21. I got married at 29 and then 4 months later turned 30. I waited til I was married to lose my virginity. However, It took about a month and a half to actually penetrate. It was such a traumatic experience because I was so freaked out about the pain (and pain there was) mixed w/ my hubby’s frustration and feeling like he was raping & hurting me (he wasn’t a virgin), that ‘sex’ was not pleasant for either of us. It was like that for months, where I felt tons of pain & stinging. Where there was only 1 position that allowed him to penetrate (and was really uncomfortable for me adding to the problem), and most of the time there was no penetration b/c of how frustrated my husband was. Can you imagine, newlyweds having sex once a month? We’ve gone a month and a half without sex. Well, it’s almost been a year since being married, and well….it still hurts at first…but when the pain finally goes away and he’s in there comfortable…..I’m left to wonder….what is all the hype about? Where is the pleasure in this? How does a woman have an orgasm from this? I don’t understand….I want to be a great lover, but I’m insecure, unconfident, and sex does absolutely nothing for me. At all. I don’t even like giving my hubby oral (I’ve never told him and never will). I thought God was supposed to ‘Bless’ the marriage bed? I don’t feel like there is any blessing at all. I want to be a freak for my husband but sex does nothing for me…..

  22. I dated my ex-husband for 3 years before marriage and I hated that he was so visual. As a young adult I had no idea that men were this way and I certainly didn’t embrace it.

    I understand now that men are hard wired that way. I agree with you that women should embrace that and be willing to be “the variety” that the men crave.

  23. Just because we’re thinking about sex and get aroused instantly doesn’t mean we’re chauvinistic pigs. That’s the way God intended it. None of us would be here otherwise. That’s all we need……women telling us what we’re doing wrong. Bugger off!

  24. If there is one line in this article that we all should take away in our minds…
    Husbands and Wives…it’s this one….

    Women want to feel like they are loved before sex. Men feel loved because of sex.

    However, I think men can just have sex, love has nothing to do with it. Especially
    the majority of the male species brain was placed in their penis.

  25. I like your article and wish I had read it years ago. I agree with you. But what do you do when your husband never shared those sexual needs with you when they were first an issue, instead choosing to share the intimacies of your marriage and sex life with friends behind your back…? eventually leading to years of secret porn obsession and eventually infidelity. Had I only known what his needs were! How can a wife be held responsible for something she doesn’t know and finds out years later after the damage had been done.

    I would encourage all wives to get your husband to talk to you about this on a regular basis. Ask him questions about what he likes and wants in your sex life and to be specific about how many times he needs sex and tell him what you need too. I wish someone had told me this. It is such a simple thing, but I guess I married someone who would rather talk about me than to me.
    -brokenhearted and betrayed

  26. I understand all this. I treat my husband like I’m his mistress. I work hard to fulfill his fantasies. I put on many hats sexually. I try to always be available to him when he wants or needs me. I’m even willing, open, and secure enough to share him. But he’s disrespectful regardless and he’s the type of man that gives all men a bad name. So sometimes it’s just not the basic desires of a man, and not that a woman hasn’t done her part. Sometimes you pick a bad apple and nobody can fix it but you!

  27. I’ve been married 47 years and I have heard every thing there is to know about men. IN my life I hate all men and I will never respect another man. My reasons are simple they lie or cheat and never want to admit there wrong.
    We only had sex once in our marriage and that was on our wedding night and never again. I think I know why its the way he was brought up, his family had no love and there was constant fighting among his Mom and Dad. He turned out exactly just like them. Any way both him and I had never had sex before so you can imagine we were clumsy but we tried. When done he said that he got nothing out of sex, it was disgusting, messy, smelly and he had no intention of doing some thing so gross again. I slufted of what he said, but next morning I woke up he wasn’t there. He left a note which said he went home and I was to get a ride home or take a cab. When I got home I started yelling and screaming as what the heck he was doing. He was moving to the basement, I was told to not talk, leave him alone and never bother him, plus he was going to work that evening on the midnight shift. The last thing he said is he hated me and sex with me, he didn’t understand what the big deal was and why people would find some thing so gross let alone enjoy it. He wanted nothing ever to do with it again. Then he went down stairs and shut the door. Now at my young age I thought I could fix any thing for which I regreted all my life. Years went by and now in my 60’s I really don’t care any more about the selfish man down stairs nor myself, I’m a fool I should have left. But my life with my shrink and anti depressant pills is lost and almost over. I hope my life after death will be much better than the present.

    1. Amy, I am so confused with your statement. Why on earth did you stay with your husband after he pushed you away? Do you love him without the intimacy? What do you all do for a little relaxation? I’ve been a widow for 25 years and I get craving if you know what I mean but at this point in my life I have decided to remain alone. But, if my husband was still alive , he most definitely wouldn’t have me living on the wims of his choice ! I am 60 years old and still turn some heads. I would suggest for you to get out of your unhealthy marriage and regain your independence of choice. Thanks for reading

  28. Men & women are, indeed, very different. But men are not necessarily more sexual or desire variety more than women just by genetic design. Women face sexual oppression daily, a woman is taught to suppress her sexual desires – a promiscuous woman is deemed undesirable & tagged with all sorts of insults & condemnation. Many women are aroused immediately & desire different men as well. Sure, more of us dig emotional connectedness as part of our sexual experience than many men, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t turned on by variety. There’s so much focus & attention put to make sexuality in an encouraging way (“hey women, understand his sexuality so you can satisfy it”) & so much negative attention put on female sexuality (if you want to learn more about it – it’s called mate guarding, it’s evolved as a way of oppressing female sexuality because her bring promiscuous hurts her mate’s reproductive success whereas as his promiscuity does not harm his mate’s). Men, FYI, if you’re not understanding her sexual needs & accommodating her desires, she’s most like as likely to commit infidelity or be as perverted but also more likely to be better at hiding it or covering it up.

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