Have Sex…Even When You Don't Feel Like It

Having sex in marriage is important. Necessary. Crucial.

Women need sex to feel emotionally connected. Men need sex to feel loved and desirable.

But as most married women will tell you, marriage sure slows down the frequency of sex and sexual mood. Whether it be long work days, stress, children, or other daily distraction–a woman’s sexual impulse can be sucked right out.

All too often in marriage, women find themselves saying “no” to sex much more than “yes.” There is even the mythical male who turns down sex with his wife… a very rare breed, indeed.

I have heard it said before that women should just go ahead and have sex, even when they don’t feel like it. I agree with that sentiment and here’s why:

I know some people might think this idea sounds downright archaic and misogynistic. But, here I am–a modern woman–telling other women to just get busy, even when the urge isn’t there.

Reason being, marriage convinced me of the male need for sex. Dennis Prager has discussed this topic on his radio show quite frequently. He refers to women pulling the old famous sex shutdown line: “I don’t feel like it.” His response to that excuse makes me smile. To paraphrase him:

In life there are countless things we have to do each day, even though we “don’t feel like it.” We go to work, pay our bills, call that one annoying guy, get to bed at a reasonable hour, even though we don’t necessarily feel like it. Why should sex be any different?

Women have somehow hijacked sex and planted this notion in their minds that sex is always suppose to be romantic, or glamorous, or that they must be totally 100% “in the mood” in order to have it. If these prerequisites aren’t met, well then, no sex.

I took a pre-marriage class with my husband and one of the week’s topics was sex in marriage. A sex expert (such a cool job title by the way) and counselor taught us that, on average, men need sex 2 to 3 times per week–not want sex twice a week, but actually need sex (you’re welcome gentlemen. I’m spreading the word).

For men, sex is a stress release, a wanted distraction from their busy lives and responsibilities. It is also how they feel loved from their wives, which, if you ask me, is sorta important.

On day 13 of turning down your husband, men don’t only feel pent-up stress, but they also begin to feel unloved and undesirable.

My friend Carrington just wrote a post challenging women to say “yes” to sex more. I have practiced this and, let me just tell you that it makes a difference in my marriage. The hubster and I have better quality and more frequent sex now than ever (too much detail? Sorry, hope you’re not blushing).

If I’m not up for being intimate in that exact moment–usually 11:00 o’clock at night after a day of being covered in toddler slime, then I will reschedule for another time. Which is a reminder to men–timing is important. Don’t ask her at the end of a very long, tiring day. Ask her when she feels most in the mood, when the iron is hot, so to speak. For more tips, gentlemen, on improving your sex life, check out this post.

Ladies, commit to trying to say “yes” at least three times in a row. Set the mood. Take a shower. Pray. Lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes away from little ones (I highly recommend this one). Do whatever you need to do to say “yes.”

The more I go ahead and have sex, even when I don’t feel in the mood, the more God has actually blessed our sex life. And guess what, when I say “yes” more, I’m much more apt to get “in the mood” faster, too. In fact, I have the “I’m not in the mood” thought run through my mind rarely these days.

So, when he asks, pounce on him. Or heck, don’t wait for him to ask… pounce first, ask questions later.

Do you agree or disagree? Do you think women should say “yes” even when they might not be in the mood? Have you practiced this?  What has made a difference in your married sex life?

315 thoughts on “Have Sex…Even When You Don't Feel Like It”

  1. I love how you said this, so well done! I agree, and this is the one thing that always turns from “I don’t feel like it”, to- “Wow, that felt good”.

    I wish all the things I “didn’t feel like doing” turned into that. :)

    1. Hey I need help
      I’m been married for almost 2years. I’m a female 24 years old but i feel like we need more sex in our lives. I feel like its my fault because I never start or when I have the intentions too we argue for a stupid reason. I dont want him to look for sex somewhere else.

  2. I totally agree! It makes a huge difference in so many areas. When i’m quicker to say yes rather than “i’m not in the mood,” our sex life is better and even our overall communication with each other improves!

    1. Isn’t it crazy how God does that? I truly believe God honors my quickness to say “yes” with a better sex life overall. God really does care about our sex lives in marriage. So stinkin’ cool!

      1. This is not an act of God at all. This is you making an effort in improving your marriage and sex life. It has nothing to do with a higher power caring about your sex lives–only your own actions in making your chosen partnership work.

    2. Ever wondered why men can smell the flowers a lot better and such things after having sex? We are wired that way. Ever wondered why some women knows that they can more easily get men to agree with them on some wants and needs after having sex? The secret is _ _ _ ! Why did you think it was working in the first part of the relationship? _ _ _ ! However, I’m surprised that this female author figured this out like my 2nd wife finally did. Now, she makes sure it’s kept at home so my little buddy nose does not even think of sniffing around for some. Also, I now have to even this out by helping her more (around the house, honey do list, etc.) instead of fighting with her about stupid things that did not even make sense. Stupid I know. It took a while to get out of that habit tho.

  3. Geeeez! The entire world is trying to kill me with their sex talk. All my girlfriends seem to be in a (married!) sexual feeding frenzy. I guess this post doesn’t apply to us single and sad gals, does it? Snicker. J/K, of course!
    Good post. I agree 100%, you need more sex is a relationship to keep it healthy than the average woman seems to want.

  4. I agree. Even though I’m single and only 21. There’s a culture among women that says that sex is something that needs to be earned. One of my friend’s preached a sermon about sex once (it happens sometimes…) and talked about how husbands and wives need to seduce each other. They need to make sure their sex life is healthy, because just like a person’s physical, emotional and spiritual health impact each other… a healthy sex life has a good effect on a relationship.

    End of ramble.

    1. Tamara,
      What a great point about women thinking men need to earn sex. There is that mindset in the single unbelieving world and unfortunately, also within some Christian marriages.
      That’d be a great post for another time actually.

      I so agree too with the preacher you heard. Couples should seduce each other always. Marriage is the time to enjoy and participate in sex freely and openly and often. Not before marriage.

      And you didn’t ramble. You said great stuff. I dig your blog by the way. You have a great voice in regards to the current culture. Thanks for commenting Tamara. I hope to hear more from you in the future.

      1. I’m a single guy that looks forward to having sex, but its so hard not to do it when everyone around me is saying to sow my wild oats while I’m young. Even girls that I date can’t have a relationship without premarital sex.

      2. “What a great point about women thinking men need to earn sex.”

        Churches do this too by forcing single men to go through hoops to be deemed marriageable. He has to be a Billy Graham-level spiritual leader. He has to make enough money to keep his wife at home, put the kids in Christian schools and live in a gated community. Of course, he has to act like marriage is not important to him anyway, and he’s just fine with being celibate until age 40 and being married to God in the meantime.

        And if he does marry, the pool of women he has to choose from have likely not received any sort of preparation during their single years to be sexually available wives. They aren’t even allowed to touch themselves. Sexually abused in childhood? She won’t know what effects it’s going to have until her wedding night. Same if there are physical problems (tight hymen, vaginismus, etc.) Men just love those wedding night surprises.

  5. Hi Nicole, thanks for spreading the word on this topic. Yes, I agree 100%. Single people eventually getting married need to take this information in because sex IS vital in a marriage.

    Good news if there are women that have been practicing “I’m not in the mood”:

    When physical intimacy commences after a furlough (yes it is our job as wives & husbands), the validation & love husbands need & connection that wives long for… can be salvaged.

    Been married for 14 years now. For me personally, I didn’t realize this until I met Christ who gave me the desire to love my husband in ways that glorify Him.

    1. Joyce,
      You used such an important word: “jobs”

      People only want to think of sex, as well sexy…like in the movies. That is simply not practical nor reality. It sounds terrible, but part of our “job” or “role” as spouses is to fulfill one another sexually.

      I love too that you feel as though you are glorifying God in loving your husband intimately. Your husband is a lucky man!

  6. First, I’m not married so this comment wouldn’t really count. Anyway, I’d say this is just a matter of weighing up what’s more precious to me: my wellbeing or the wellbeing of the person I love. But here’s the thing: her wellbeing happens to override and transform mine. Put it like that it sounds strange, but it’s a pretty common feeling, I’d say: Isn’t that the reason why we give presents to other people? Their joy become ours (or at least we think their joy is worth the money!)

    I do agree that there are a whole lot of situations where we must compromise and do things even when we don’t feel like it (I particularly hate going to work on Mondays), but what we’re talking about here is in my view too delicate and demanding a situation (not to mention invasive) for it to be part of them.

    1. You aren’t disqualified from commenting because you aren’t married.

      I will say though that having had sex outside of marriage and inside of marriage–they really are two very different worlds.

      You said you feel as though sex is “too delicate and demanding a situation (not to mention invasive)…to be included in your “I don’t feel like it, but will do it anyway list.”

      I get that, but here’s the thing. Sex in marriage isn’t meant to be “delicate” or “demanding” or “invasive.” It is the ultimate expression of love, in physical form. Without being too graphic–the closest a man and a woman can become. Two become one.

      Sex should never feel like a burden or work. I do view it as my job however, but one that I love because I love my husband. There is no such thing as too “invasive” in a healthy marriage with healthy sex.

      1. Sex can still be invasive, even in marriage… There is a difference in sex for men and women. The man is *inside* the woman; there are few more potentially invasive activities.

        Another point – for the most part men find it easier to get physical satisfaction from sex. It is not ok for a husband to expect sex off a wife, or for a wife to submit to sex with her husband when he is the only one getting the release. Sex can be a great stress reliever for BOTH sides of the couple if both sides are actually physically satisfied. If a husband is having sex in a selfish way, merely for his own pleasure, or is happy to have more pleasure out of it than his wife, then he cannot expect her to always say yes.

        1. Husbands and wives have authority over each others bodies, but not their own. They have no right to refuse each other and its not wrong, even if hes being more pleasured by it for him to have sex with his wife. Thats his right, and the same goes for her. Her getting less(0r even no pleasure) doesn’t, by Bible, give her leave to refuse him. Doing so is a sin. Sounds a bit harsh, but thats the fact of the matter.

  7. Have you ever felt used when your husband wants to have sex and you don’t, like your body is just there for his pleasure? Or even been pressured into it? What about the times when you have sex and feel like “let’s just get it over with,” is it still beneficial then? I’d just like to know how you deal with the negative thoughts and negative responses from your body in marriage related to sex.

    1. Thanks Shauna for your post. Last time (months) ago my husband tried to seduce me I started to cry. I do feel used and just want to get it over with. We haven’t had sex in months. I am terrified I’ll start to cry again. Guess it’s time to start seeing a marriage counsellor~

      1. I feel the same way. I forced myself multiple times to have sex with my husband when I didn’t want to. It has made me feel disgusting, used and even raped in the end. I have pulled away completely for the last 4 months. I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel terrible for him because he obviously wants it, but it’s not worth the resentment I hold toward him if I do it, that shows in our everyday life. We have both agreed that my sacrifice of giving in is greater than his of having no sex. I still feel a large amount of guilt and just pray this problem will resolve on its own but I am doubtful. I just wish people would understand the amount of dislike I have for sex and the emotional turmoil it puts me through to partake in the act so I would get some real answers. Aside of the bogus “just do it” solution that I have already tried and just made our situation worse.

        1. To the ladies above who feel forced, pressured or used…firstly, I am so sorry that you all are suffering in silence – that feeling has to be absolutely terrible, especially within the one relationship that is supposed to be your safe haven. I imagine your husbands would also feel pretty horribly if they were aware of how deeply this is affecting you. I would definitely consider mental health counseling with a social worker or psychologist, both individual and couples varieties. Individual so you can figure out whether your dislike for sex is natural (because we all have varying sexual drives or lack thereof) or whether it is associated with something in your past, negative feelings about your body, feelings of insecurity within your relationship, etc etc that could be addressed. Couples so you can improve your communication with your men and help them understand the reason behind your reluctance to have sex instead of jumping to the conclusion (as many of us do in relationships) that they are undesirable, being rejected, or otherwise unwanted. This can help you approach intimacy – whether it be full-on sex, other sorts of sexual activity, or even “affection” like hugging, cuddling, kissing, etc – as a team and as something that is mutually fulfilling. Might you conclude as a team that you will both compromise your needs occasionally/in some ways to meet the other’s needs? Sure. But at least in this scenario, sex would be occurring within an arrangement that was developed in an atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding instead of feeling forced and emotionally distant. Best of luck to you all and I hope you can find resolution.

        2. Erika Lynn, I feel the same as you do. Just give in & do it makes 1 feel used, disgusting & resentful. 3 minutes (literally 3 minutes) just so the husband can “FEEL GOOD” per him, is selfish & disgusting. My husband also says it’s his RIGHT to force himself on me & that men do this to their wives when married. My husband has forcibly raped me + rammed objects inside me while I was medicated & sleeping. I’ve woken up w/him pushing me back down saying “relax baby relax, just enjoy it” !

  8. I disagree. Here’s why:

    (This is a perspective from a guy who isn’t in a sexual relationship, but I’ll illustrate this with an example of if I was married.)

    If I wanted to have relations with my wife, but she didn’t feel enthused about it at the time… I can live with that. Why? Well, for one reason, even if it is a very good thing, sex isn’t a strict need-and this is coming from a man. I don’t know what that sexpert was talking about, but we’re not probably not on the same page when it comes to what constitutes a need. Even if the idea of “needs” is broad enough to incorporate sex, that would incorporate the sexual needs of women just as much. (yeah, conventional wisdom tells us that guys like sex more than women, but conventional wisdom is so often wrong.)

    More importantly, though, why would I want to do it with my wife if she wasn’t all that excited? The best part about having sex with someone is for both people to have mutual pleasure! So, if she’s not that into it, that automatically means that I won’t be into it.

    To sum it up, sex with an enthusiastic parter is the best kind of sex, and I’d rather have good sex in small frequency than boring sex all the time.

    1. I think that’s the point. Promoting women to become more sexually enthused. To choose above their initial feelings. To allow there agency to trump their emotions. Too do what’s best for the marriage rather than themselves. If you’re married and moral sex with your wife is a need in so many levels. Its paramount you a healthy emotional relationship. Without it must men wither away and die emotionally. I know i am. Its something about that physical connection that feeds a man’s soul. But what’s worse is the feeling of neglect and abandonment and lack of concern from your wife. Its like she doesn’t care about me. Like I’m not that important. It hurts like few other pains do. I don’t care how perfect you are as a wide in other areas as. If sex is lacking a husband feels tormented, used and worthless. It really is the springboard to a man’s heart, ego and joy. To experience his wife’s love in the physical manifestation is like water to a vagabond roaming the desert. To many wives diminish the importance of sex to a husband. Its not Hyatt strong up sexually but stepping up to prepare for sex. To be an anxious and engaged lover. Husband want to please their wives sexually and they want to be pleased sexually by their wives. To many women hide behind stylish excuses. Express the pain they feel from sex. I don’t and I won’t understand how you can claim the expression of love as a painful experience especially to the person who is meant to be second only to God in your life. Go to therapy. Go to God. Read. Make it your wrist to live your husband sexually. He needs it more than youll understand. It’s equivalent to a man ignoring you. Never talking to you. Never saying he loves you or acknowledging your existence as a human being. Don’t believe me? Go ask him.

    2. I think that’s the point. Promoting women to become more sexually enthused. To choose above their initial feelings. To allow there agency to trump their emotions. Too do what’s best for the marriage rather than themselves. If you’re married and moral sex with your wife is a need in so many levels. Its paramount you a healthy emotional relationship. Without it must men wither away and die emotionally. I know i am. Its something about that physical connection that feeds a man’s soul. But what’s worse is the feeling of neglect and abandonment and lack of concern from your wife. Its like she doesn’t care about me. Like I’m not that important. It hurts like few other pains do. I don’t care how perfect you are as a wide in other areas as. If sex is lacking a husband feels tormented, used and worthless. It really is the springboard to a man’s heart, ego and joy. To experience his wife’s love in the physical manifestation is like water to a vagabond roaming the desert. To many wives diminish the importance of sex to a husband. Its not just stepping up to spread eagle and get out over with but stepping up to prepare for sex. To be an anxious and engaged lover. Husband want to please their wives sexually and they want to be pleased sexually by their wives. To many women hide behind stylish excuses. Express the pain they feel from sex. I don’t and I won’t understand how you can claim the expression of love as a painful experience especially to the person who is meant to be second only to God in your life. Go to therapy. Go to God. Read. Make it your wrist to live your husband sexually. He needs it more than you’ll understand. It’s equivalent to a man ignoring you. Never talking to you. Never saying he loves you or acknowledging your existence as a human being. Don’t believe me? Go ask him.

  9. This is an older post, I know, but I have to say, I’m a little horrified by this. “Say yes even when you don’t feel like it”? What does that say to younger women, unmaried women, your children, about what it means to be a woman and to have bodily autonomy and be able to be respected for your choices regarding your body? I’ve heard this before–my married best friend learned it at a conference. And another married friend said our pastor told her to do this in pre-marital counseling (her fiance told her later he would never expect that of her). Seems to me that true love wouldn’t want a woman to view sex as her job, or to feel obligated to give her body when she’s not feeling it.

    1. Hope,

      Thank you for raising your objections here. I’m glad to discuss.

      Firstly, the concept that a woman has “boldily autonomy” is not a Biblical one. In fact, the Bible says quite the opposite. 1 Cor 7:2-6 says, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

      We are told by Paul to not deprive our spouse of sex, in order to resist temptation. I belong to my husband and that includes physically. Likewise, he belongs to me.

      That is not to say that I have no right to say “no” to sex within my marriage. My point in the post, however, is this: We do many things daily that we do not “feel” like doing–going to work, taking care of kids, paying the bills, being responsible adults, yet we still do them because we know we should. Sometimes, sex is that thing.

      As difficult as it may be to understand at times, sex within marriage can quickly become rote routine. It loses its sparkle at times because, well, life gets busy and people get tired or distracted.

      If a wife never wants to have sex with her husband, well that is an entirely different problem. I am speaking, however, to most wives who occasionally say “no” to sex even when it would benefit their husbands, themselves, and their marriages to say yes.

      There is a lie spun by popular culture that woman need to protect their bodies autonomy ( much of which came out of Roe v. Wade in an attempt to legitimize abortion). However, the Lord does not mention such a concept in scripture. I am not talking about disrespecting one’s self, but rather respecting the role of husband and wife and the need for sex within marriage. I serve my husband even when I don’t feel like it. I say “I love you” even on days when I don’t feel so loving. Likewise, I say “yes” to sex even when I may not be in “the mood.”

      I will either get in the mood by virtue of saying “yes” or I won’t, but chances are I will be blessed (as will my marriage) for my willingness to obey God’s Word and serve my husband.

      I hope that helps clarify my position. Thanks for commenting Hope.

      1. Thank you for your response, Nicole.
        It does make sense. It really does. But it’s just so…different to me. I guess, because of the fact that I was involved in a relationship (i broke off our engagement) where I was always being pressured, never felt like my “no” was respected…what you’re describing sounds like my worst nightmare. So I’m curious as to how I could ever get around to your point of view.

        Does that make sense?

        1. Hope,

          I get it. I was not a virgin when I got married and so this whole thing was a new concept to me. However, being married to a Godly man who has my (and our marriage’s) best interests in mind makes a huge difference. Because there is so much mutual respect, it makes it easier for me to embrace God’s Word regarding this topic.

          A husband who is pursuing Christ made the difference for me. Hope, I’ll be praying that God continues to reveal His purposes in this area to you and that you would be comforted by His plan.

          1. Nicole,
            I think you are over-simplifying this problem in marriage, that just by having sex with each other it will fix everything. For too long, marriage has been an unequal environment. Most women would probably be aware that our mothers were of those generations that ‘never said no to their husbands’. I resent that my mother felt she had to do that. Women are biologically different to men, we simply don’t need sex like men do. Women get their affection in other ways so yes, it is like doing your husband a favour to say yes when you are not in the mood. Men too need to start giving women affection in the terms they need, like treating their wife as an equal and not as a housekeeper and sexual gratifier. I know Nicole you believe that your husband is fabulous because he is Christian but I would say mine is fabulous because he has been able to override in his mind, all the traditional Christian values that have caused women to be trapped in their oppression in the first place. Most religions are extremely sexist..unless you’ve considered that God might be female?? I guess what I’m saying is that women are now defining marriage based on what they want and need, not on what men have always determined is required and if that is ending in a high divorce rate, maybe we need to think up a more equal type of relationship that incorporates both parties’ needs. The Christian faith depends on traditional marriage like oxygen but the rest of the modern world is open to thinking that maybe there is a better kind of normal.

          2. Thank you for your comment.

            Firstly, I am over-simplifying the issue. I completely agree. I think that the issue of sex in marriage needs to be simplified. Too often, I believe women want to add layers of emotion and context to the act of sex, that is not always necessary.

            I am certainly a woman. I like to be “in the mood.” I like all of the circumstances leading up to sex to be ideal. However, in the business of life–children, housework, blogging, that is not always possible. The scenario I often see with women, however, is a flat-out refusal to engage in sex if every single prerequisite is not met.

            The moment I was personally able to shift out of “me” mode and all of the things I thought I needed, I was better able to meet my husbands needs. More than that, in viewing sex as a gift to give to my husband, I actually began to enjoy and desire to engage in sex more.

            It is naive, and counter to God’s Word to believe that sex in marriage is anything but a mutual expression of God’s love. Sex is neither for the man or the woman, but for both and to offered to one’s spouse as such.

            The problem, is the world sees the idea that sex is all about self-gratification. Not so. Sex is about offering one’s self fully and wholly to your spouse and they in return offering themselves to you. The pleasure derived from such an act, is the undeserved blessing of self-sacrifice and selflessness.

            You point out the fact that women are now beginning to define marriage based upon “what they want and need, not on what men have always determined is required and if that is ending in a high divorce rate, maybe we need to think up a more equal type of relationship that incorporates both parties’ needs.”

            I agree. If men being sexual gratified isn’t working and women setting their own sexual parameters isn’t working, then perhaps God’s model of sex being a gift given to both to enjoy, is the answer.

        2. I absolutely love this topic because as a husband I go through many struggles of the sex topic. I absolutely love pleasuring my wife and not just so she has an orgasm but really spending alot of time on her. And when she is “in the mood” and we use a sex toy or give her oral she seems to live it I guess what I’m asking is when she pulls the lets just have a quickie and just lays there and seems not interested how is that supposed to make me feel as a man. Does she like having sex with me? If she is not in the mood but just does it as a job why does she get nice and wet down there and her nipples erect when I’m touching her. Yes do I like getting off of course but to me her pleasure is more important.

      2. I truly thank you for this post. Im going through this right now in my marriage. It might be a little different because I am pregnant, but I am trying to say “yes” even when I dont want to. And now to see it as a way to honor The Lord may help me every better. Which in return may help my marriage. May God forever bless you for this.
        -Ur sister in Christ Mrs. Zellars

      3. To clarify, however, you as a wife don’t have a right to say “no” to your husband when he wants sex and you’re able. You understand that, yes? I’ve been thinking you do.

  10. WHOA! I never even thought about it like this. I mean I definitely understand the sentiments of a woman and not wanting it and to be honest I can go a few weeks and sex doesn’t even cross my mind. But now reading this it has opened up my eyes to just how my husband is feeling. Thanks for sharing…definitely great insights!

  11. Girl – you are preaching in this article!! I have been married for 8 years and in the beginning – couldn’t give a flip about sex. But in those years I have never told my husband no (well unless aunt Flo was in town and he was glad for the warning LOL!) My pastor has preached on this many times and I knew deep in my heart that that is God’s will for my life and marriage. Let me tell – I have evolved and my marriage has too. Sex is for each other – as you pointed out in the scripture you mentioned in your response to another reader (by the way you handled all their comments beautifully). If we as women could just grasp that this is a gift that we are supposed to give how much easier our lives would be.

    And if you want to look at it in a worldly way – just think. When you send your hubby off to work with a smile on his face, he is less likely to notice that potential homewrecking co worker at his job if he is eager to get back home to you – I’m just sayin’.

    I also agree with what you said about being able to have sex when you don’t feel like it because you have a man that is seeking after Christ. A godly man wont make you feel used and abused or taken advantage of. A godly man won’t ask when the kids have driven you crazy or your are all stopped up with snot running everywhere. He will be just as sensitive to your needs and you have been to his. Marriage is a godly institution and it is based on authority – whether we like it or not. I was raised to be an independent woman but when it was time for me to get married, it was time for me to become someone’s help meet. It was not easy, trust me. But I had to trust God and the God in my husband to submit and do my best to be the wife I am called to be. Thanks so much for the post. I will have to come back to your site and read some more.

    1. Corynne,
      Great points! I love what you added, especially about sending our husbands off to work with a smile on their face instead of a longing that has not been met. Sex is such a great guard against adultery.

      Your husband sounds like a blessed man!

      1. I have to disagree with this or at least some of it. I’m a past fornicator (have repented)…I was with a woman that I loved. She had been married before and there was a lot of stress. One day she flat out said no to me. So I asked why not. I heard her out…now I’m a man and logic rules my mind…i know the neurochemical responses from sex are like valium. And also I’m a man. So I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. She was protesting and then *censored* she wasn’t and then *censored* at the end she cuddled up and actually thanked me because it was wonderful to quote her. That’s how normal sex works…a woman wants to feel like she overwhelms you. Like you can’t resist her no matter what she says…that is if you are in a relationship with her. Christian marriage is this…men be men…make the decisions how you choose but in accordance with God. Hear her words, listen to her, talk, but remember you have the final word. If you see it is good, then do it. If you are right she will thank you…i think maybe the reason women say no beyond psychological issues is that men don’t act like men. They don’t initiate with action. Most of the time I never asked I just started and she couldn’t keep her hands off of me…this is a 3 year relationship mind you. And even though I sometimes didn’t want to i did it anyways…cause that what a man does he pleases his wife (in this case significant other) you brothers all got hands so best start using em. And I expected the exact same of her because that is fair. And then I enforced it which she loved me for. So I guess what I’m saying is be honest about what you give. Be fair and discerning but do make the final decision men. Men, cuddle your wives. Hold her when she cries. Kiss her when she pleases you. Make time for her. Listen when she speaks. Make her feel like a woman. It really is the thought that counts. Show love and compassion to her. And wives gratify your husband, nurture him, support his head ship, submit (that’s right, no pc) and show respect, make a space in your heart for him. You all need to love each other. All you married folks should do these things because as a single man I can tell you…some of you don’t know what you have…what an utter blessing it is to be witb someone in a holy partnership. What a joy it is to wake up next to the love of your life here on earth. Cherish each other. And remember, christian men like me would give our right arm to be where you are right now.

        1. So well said “mynamewassimon”! I feel sorry for some of the younger bloggers. They don’t realize it and especially the owner of this blog, but they are naïve and still young. What type of man would want his wife to have sex when she doesn’t want to? Quite barbaric, and what’s this nonsense about a man “needing” sex, and using a woman’s body as a stress releaser? Go play ball! I bet every man have a million things they could be doing. I remember early in my (happy might I add) marriage my husband tried that on me and to tell me about his “need” which I found psychological. He would get mad when I called his “need” psychological.. Well, tell me why was it that when I had my period/cycle 5-7 days a month, he was able to get right in bed and start snoring? When I did not have my cycle he acted like he could not sleep and would huff and puff LMAO. Well, I put my foot down and told him I would divorce him if he ever made me feel like his desire for sex was more important than my feels. I was pre-menopausal and all kind of things were happening to with my hormones. Sex became painful because my vaginal walls had gotten thinner due to menopause and my husband is very endowed. Yes, I sought remedies, but it’s not that cut and dry. My point here is that it is the most disrespectful thing I ever heard to tell a woman to have sex with her husband even if she does not feel like it. This is the young talking but once they get over 25 years of marriage under their belt someone might listen then. Right now, it’s just hot uneducated and unsubstantiated air. Sure men are going to agree, especially since it gets them more sex. Some men are spoiled and need to grow up. A woman is not a sex machine and she should never be used as a stress releaser. Go play ball, run laps, exercise, meditate, etc. to relieve stress. I’m actually laughing at the author’s article and the young amen corner LMAO. Sounds like an abusive woman saying “I made him do it”. That woman does not know any better. There are so many other factors I did not touch on.

  12. Yes, yes, yes!!! This is so true. The more you do it, the more you want it. I have only turned my husband down once or twice (aside from when I can’t due to monthly timing), and I often take the initiative.

    We went through a time where it wasn’t happening often and it became kind of run-of-the-mill. But once we started doing it more, we got more adventurous, it was more exciting. I can honestly say, the longer we are married, the better it gets. I don’t know where the idea came from that married sex is boring sex – it certainly doesn’t have to be!

    1. Your husband is a blessed man indeed! You are quick to say “yes” and you initiate! Awesome!

      So much of a healthy sex life is just about saying “yes’ and be willing. Things like desire and fun seem to fall into place after that.

  13. I see the choice to have sex with my husband when I “don’t feel like it” the same as my choice to love my husband “when I don’t feel like it”.

    So much of what we are told as a culture is to demand out RIGHTS and especially as women. Sure, I have the RIGHT to say No (and my husband would NEVER force me, and respects my right), and sure, if I am having trouble connecting, or mad about something, I have the RIGHT to choose not to love him. But what would that get me? Would it bring me closer to a more fulfilling marriage? No. So- go ahead and tout your “rights”, you are totally justified- but let’s see how far it gets you in your marriage.

    I feel like the Lord blesses these sacrifices we make by turning them around. When I choose to love my husband even when I’m not feeling so loving towards him, guess what? I fall in love with him! My choice leads to the very feeling I am waiting for!

    When I choose not to say no to my husband, even when I’m not in the mood, guess what? I get in the mood! I enjoy my experience! I don’t just say “Okay” and then lay there feeling used- I not only say yes, but I CHOOSE the experience, I choose to enjoy it, I choose to engage, to connect- I am in control of all of those things- and in no way to I feel like my husband is controlling me, or “making me”, or I am doing my “duty”.

    1. Carrington,
      I love love love your comment. All of it. It is the perfect message that women need to hear.

      This is so great too: “Would it bring me closer to a more fulfilling marriage? No. So- go ahead and tout your “rights”, you are totally justified- but let’s see how far it gets you in your marriage.”

      Amen! I wish more women would pause and ask themselves similar questions. Our marriages and sex-lives would be better for it.

    2. Sorry toi tell you this, but you’re completely wrong in your statement that you have a right to say no to having sex with your husband. Thats not the case. If you’re able to have sex and nothing physical or otherwise is preventing it, you MUST have sex with him and do everything you can to fulfill his sexual needs as best your able, or you will have sinned against God and your husband. This all goes the same for your husband as well as you have those same rights.

  14. Can I just say… I am so, so impressed by what you are doing here. I know it can be hard to speak up when people are cruel, and I know that rude comments (as much as we tell ourselves that they aren’t about us) can be a total punch in the gut…

    But don’t stop doing what you’re doing. These issues are hard for ALL of us to think about, talk about, write about, and they can sometimes bring out the worst in us… but I think opening the door for these discussions also gives God the opportunity to do his redemptive work in us.

    Your exchange with Hope (above) has me speechless. In a good way! I love her honesty, and yours. I don’t even know what more to say about it. Just really cool.

    I’m glad I found your blog, and glad you like mine. I’ll definitely keep reading!

  15. @Nicole Cottrell, as a woman who is a wife & mother, I feel sorry that you put sex in the ‘chore’ category & feel that you owe your husband sex whether you want it or not. In the situation where a husband wants sex & a wife doesn’t: Why is the onus on the woman to do something she doesn’t feel like doing in order to please her husband? Why isn’t the man expected to please his wife by *not* having sex? And what enjoyment can a man get from obligation sex? Sex he is only having because his wife feels she *should*, not because she wants to…ugh. I would be worried if a man enjoyed sex that a woman didn’t really want to be having. I wouldn’t want my husband to have sex with me if he wasn’t really into it, & my husband turns down sex if he suspects I’m too tired etc to really be in the mood. We would rather wait until we both actually *want* it. Yeah, sex shouldn’t be neglected, but it shouldn’t ever be an ‘obligation’ or a ‘chore’ either. Sex for the sake of keeping your husband happy isn’t even *comparable* to sex that both partners desire wholeheartedly. Maybe instead of telling women to just spread their legs for their husband whether they want to or not, you should be telling men to respect the fact that their wife is not a sex toy to be played with at their whim. Maybe you should be telling men to cook dinner, look after the kids etc, & actually give their wives a chance to relax enough to feel desire. Also, men do not *need* sex, they are often celibate for different reasons for varying lengths of time with no ill effects. And to imply that ‘sex guards against adultery’ is ridiculous. What, if you don’t sleep with your husband the ‘necessary’ 3 times a week, he will be unable to stop himself from leaping atop the nearest willing woman? Goodness, you better watch your husband during those 6 sexless weeks after giving birth then – after all, he NEEDS sex, so you can’t blame him if he loses control & cheats. Ugh. I’m just so glad I’m married to a real MAN, not some insecure BOY who needs to assert his ‘dominance’ over the woman he’s supposed to cherish, & can’t be blamed for cheating if she wasn’t giving him enough sex. :shudder:

    1. The woman who writes this blog is obviously very damaged and mentally ill. She will be in for a rude awakening when she grows up and her sex drive wanes. I hope her husband goes out and gets it “somewhere else” and gives her a nice STD. She’s a rape apologist and a pathetically brainwashed one at that. Some day she will look back on this an realize what an idiot she was. Karma’s a bitch, dear.

  16. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
    King James Version (KJV)

    3Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

    4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

    5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

    Even the ancients realized ( by the Inspiration of the Holy Spirit ) that we are not autonomous in marriage and that there is a NEED for sexual relations between a husband and wife.

    I am lucky that my wife and I do not often have this problem ( probably TMI ).

  17. You do realize that marital rape is now illegal in all 50 states, right? Even North Carolina, since the 1990s, has held that forcing a woman to have sex against her will is wrong and illegal, even if she’s married to you.

    1. Dearest Sally,
      Good thing because as a rational, healthy, law-abiding citizen I happen to abhor rape.

      Did you read my post or comment out of an emotive response? In no way does my post suggest, or even hint, at the idea that a husband rape his wife. A woman being more willing to say “yes” to sex amid the craziness and busyness of life, versus always (or often) saying “no” is not rape. The fact that your mind somehow made that leap is actually scarier to me than the thought that I could ever promote such a barbaric or depraved notion.

      If you are truly interested in understanding my position, not just slamming me because of your assumptions, please read the comments here on this post, especially my comment to Hope. I think a reasonable and rational person would find the truth of what I am saying is something vastly different from that which I am being accused.

  18. I am a man, who for now is married. My wife and I have struggled in this area a lot. Romantic perfect sex is all she ever wanted, and since that didn’t work out well most of the time we basically stopped having sex. Now she doesn’t feel in love with me, and is wanting a divorce. This is a marriage that started out as two Christian people taking vows for life and meaning it. We could have had the sex she wanted if we had more sex. Its hard to be comfortable at something that you don’t do. Women take head that if you want your marriage to work do this. Your husband no matter how committed will quit trying after being rejected so many times, and you will end up feeling cold towards him. This is the number one way you can show your husband that you love him. Pleasing a man who is already committed to you really is this easy. Everything else can be worked out. I can not stress enough, wives if you love your husbands make sex the top priority for showing him you love him.

  19. You have GOT to be kidding me.
    Christ did not make you sexual, evolution did.
    Your desire to say ‘No” comes directly from that sex hating religion of yours.
    Can you imagine if our writer had posted “suck off your hubby three times a week”, even though I guarantee you this would be FAR more delightful to your husband than you placidly lying abed while he works for your pleasure?
    You’d all be having kittens.
    Because your ‘god’ hates pleasure.

    1. Michael,
      Have you ever read the Bible, specifically the Song of Solomon? It is oozing with sexuality–the desire of a woman for a man and a man for a woman. God, I believe, allowed for that particular book to be in the Bible for a reason, part of which is to support the truth that God did in fact make us to be sexual creatures.

      I agree that Christianity “hates sex.” Christians as a whole have done, and continue to do, a terrible job when it comes to the topic of sex. We scare kids from wanting it and make it sound like the worst thing on the planet. However, God does not hate sex. He created it. Christians have messed up His message of sex, not the other way around.

      Your assumption too, that in my saying “yes” even at times when I’m not in the mood somehow equates to me laying in bed like a corpse is simply juvenile. I state in my post that when I do say “yes” when I might be more inclined to say “no” that in just the sheer act of willingness, I am put in the mood, so to speak. Sparing you specific details, my and my husband’s sex life is great. To assume that willingness to bless my husband, and subsequently my marriage, when perhaps my inclination at that moment is to do otherwise, does not mean our sex life is dull or that I am lifeless in bed. If anything, it means my husband is married to a woman who not only understand his sexual desires and needs, but addresses them.

      As to your final quip that my God “hates pleasure”. Again, I would direct you to the Bible. Whether you believe in scripture or not, the Bible is full of sentiments that fly in the face of your comment. The book of Ecclesiastes, for example, discusses at length enjoying food, wine, and even women. Yes, there’s that “sex” part again.

      You would do well to do some research on this so-called sex-hating, pleasure-hating religion you purport exists. You may be surprised to find quite the opposite.

      1. Actually, your religion not only hates pleasure, it HATES, PERIOD.
        “Oh daughter of Babylon,…blessed is he that takes up your little ones, and dashes them against the stones”
        Like the kids had any hand in the ‘offense’.

        “Better to marry than to burn”, well there’s a glowing recommendation for marital bliss.

        Face it, the contradictions in your bibble are so manifold that you can make a case for anything…as long as you exclude inconvenient parts of the writing.

        1. One out of context and over-quoted (by atheists, I might add) Bible verse is your support that Christianity is a hateful religion? If I were to look into your life, no doubt I could find one sentence you uttered that taken out of context or on a bad day, would paint you as a mean, cruel, ignorant -minded individual.

          Yes, there are lots of those verses in Bible, but there are also many others–more in fact–that exemplify loving and serving others.

          You wan to bash Christianity? Go right ahead. I don’t happen to disagree with you on many of its faults. I will not, however, subscribe to the notion that it is a religion of hate. The history of Christianity, while it is tainted with some evil-doing, is more so comprised of people setting out to love others, however imperfect that process may be at times.

          You seem hell bent on dismissing it all and that is fine. I just happen to operate in a realistic, practical, and level-headed world where I cannot dismiss the whole because of the faults of a few. If I did that, then life truly would be a sad and hopeless experience, where every single person I meet would be a disappointment.

          People fail. People have failed “Christianity.” People have failed me. God has not. That is the difference, in my own life.

          1. No, the history of your religion, from the iconoclast wars of the Eastern Empire, to the laws of Constantine making any religion BUT Christianity a death sentence, to the shameful history of the pogroms, to the butchery of the heretic wars in France (Albesinian ring a bell?) to the modern wars on abortion rights and the murders of doctors with the collusion of the “right to life” league, is RIFE with strife, hate, murder, vengeance, and yes, PRUDERY!!!
            Remember the Temperance leagues? CHRISTIANS created the 18th Amendment and the Volstead act, and thus enriched organized crime, entrenching it into America for all time.
            If you HAD lived a life of realistic, practical life, you would have dismissed your bibble and its body of contradictions, cruelties and sadism long ago.
            Certainly you should NOT be telling women to surrender their advantage in the ‘war between the sexes’ because YOU THINK it might make them happier to not ‘own their bodies’.
            As the Vidkun called it the Religion of Slaves and Milksops, so it seems you are advocating servility as well.

          2. I find it interesting that you capitalized the word “PRUDERY,” as if being chaste or pure is somehow a negative. Not only that, you are pressing the issue of prudery on a post that actually tells women to have more sex.

            You reference the “Religion of Slaves,” to which I can offer this: I have not always been a Christian. Before knowing Christ I was in different sexual relationships. I was, as many would describe, promiscuous, in fact. I was by all accounts “sexually free” and in charge of my own body. However, not until knowing Christ did I truly experience sexual freedom. Now in my marriage, which is healthy and wonderful, I can say I am more sexually free than I ever was when sleeping with different men. You may attempt to argue this point, but it is my experience and that alone is proof enough for me.

            Thank you for commenting here, Hatemail.

          3. People fail. Christianity has failed, and not because of the people.
            It has failed because it is the religion of slaves.
            I quote from your bibble here.
            “Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. (the word is alternately translated as burdens, sins or transgressions btw)”
            That prayer is the most severe declaration of slavery ever uttered.
            No “Slave of god” ever handed greater permission to ‘god’ to beat, maim, twist or kill the pray-ee in all history.
            “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven” What about YOUR WILL? In that prayer you just said “I wish to have no will, to be a mere tool moving at your command”.
            It shows in your sexual ranting.
            Have sex when you don’t want it.
            But don’t lie there.
            So, what are you telling women? TO FAKE IT? TO LIE?
            Is that your ‘advice’ for a happy life?

            May I suggest you read from another book of myth for once.
            Star Trek. Whose star William Shatner coined that famous phrase “GET A LIFE!!”

  20. I’ve been searching the internet looking for answers. I know what the bible says about sex in a Christian marriage and I fully agree wholeheartedly with all the biblical comments on here. Following through has been another thing.

    I wasn’t saved until I was 31 years old, prior to that I was “Catholic” but had premarital relations since it seemed the “norm” in society. After being saved, I took a vow of celibacy until marriage, which was when I married at 35. My husband and I met in an Evangelism ministry and began dating after discovering we were both saved at the same time by the same testimony. We dated for 8 months and didn’t even kiss each other on the mouth; occasionally a peck on the cheek and hugs until we said, “I do” on the alter. He had told me he was a hairy man, so he had his back, chest, and upper arms waxed for our wedding night. But then, it all grew out and he didn’t maintain waxing it. On top of that, he promised to stop smoking before we got married….that never happened. He doesn’t have interest in keeping up his health physically by doing exercise nor eating right (i’m a health nut). He doesn’t brush his teeth regularly because he thinks he has superior teeth (they’re gross from smoking and drinking black coffee all day, everyday) Even when he does brush them, he doesn’t do a very good job, as his breath still wreaks afterward. So, between the hairy body, the foul breath, and the lack of health interest, I’m way turned off to the point of wanting to puke. I can barely sleep in the same bed with him, as he is a mouth breather and stinks up the air in our bedroom. I can’t be touching him because his body hair makes me so itchy.

    Now, he is usually very sweet, but also very mean, understandably since I’m not giving him physical gratification. I told him before we got married that I would not stimulate him orally because I have a very tiny mouth, which causes me pain. (sorry for tmi) We’ve been married for about 16 months, and haven’t had sex very much since our honeymoon. Last time we had sex was over 3 or 4 months ago.

    I’ve told my husband that it would help if he’d get waxed regularly, if he would fulfill his promise to quit smoking, brush his teeth more than once or twice a day, and if he would at least go for walks with me regularly (with our dog) so he gets at least a tiny bit of exercise. He won’t do any of the above as he refuses.

    I am absolutely disgusted to be next to my husband. I am sure I will be told that I need to have sex with him regardless of these atrocities. I figured that if we were obedient in staying pure before marriage that God would help our sex life. Our savior, he can move the mountains, our god is mighty to save. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked my husband if he has prayed about our sex life, he said, “why should i pray for something I should get from you automatically?”

    I was a full time chemistry teacher before we got married, but quit when i got pregnant on our honeymoon. We have a beautiful son that I mother full-time at home, which I absolutely love. My husband works as a car salesman, so he works around 60 hours a week. I want to resolve our sex life not only to be obedient to the Lord, but also because our son will be watching how my husband and I interact with one another. I don’t want to be fighting in front of him as a result of our lack of sex. I want him to see us love each other.

    Can anyone relate to these types of physical obstacles? Can you share your testimony to give me a glimmer of hope?

    Please be nice. I’m sure I’ve said some things for which some of you would love to rip me apart.

    1. My wife has already left. For different reasons than you describe. My advice is simple. You change. Change your focus. Do the very thing that so many Christians will shy away from, and focus on yourself a little. Not in a purely selfish way, but do the things that bring you pleasure. Find the things in your husband that please you and focus on them. The single greatest gift a wife can give her husband is the undeserved respect that only a wife he knows even the bad parts can give him. It doesn’t take much encouragement to get a man to want to please his wife. The problem that most women have, is they tend to complain/nag their husbands and wonder why they don’t respond. I don’t want to compare men to children, but a wife generally has experience motivating her children. There are so common truths in what works with all people that you have learned there. There are so uncommon truths about you and your husband you have learned there as well, since the child is raised by the tow of you and shares your genetic makeup. Use an adult version of what works with our child with him.

      For God’s sake stop thinking of your husband as disgusting. I don’t mean start thinking his unattractive traits are attractive, but the more you think of him as disgusting the harder it will be for you to relate and empathize with him.

      If you want some good reading on the subject look at books by Dr. Luara and Dr. Leman. Dr. Laura has her Proper Care and Feeding Series, and Her Ten Stupid Things Series that both address relationships in simple terms. Dr. Leman wrote many good books including Have a New Husband by Friday.

      I speak from the position of a man who could not satisfy his wife. I was made to feel like the man that she married was not good enough for her, and she thought she could turn me into her ideal man if she only beat me over the head with the ideas enough. I became increasingly passive in the relationship, feeling like I could not do any right, and she became increasingly dissatisfied as she had attributed my willingness to change these things with my love or lack there of for her. She left believing there was no hope for us, and our marriage had hardly a shot fired.

      I will also warn you that the longer you don’t have sex, the harder it will be to have sex. Even if he changed everything and you were attracted to him, he would have a hard time believing it, and has probably already felt such a tremendous amount of rejection, whether he shows it or not, that it is hard for him to approach you now.

  21. A lot of times it’s the husband that doesn’t want to have sex. It’s just an old stereotype that wives are the ones who aren’t in the mood.

    I love having sex with my hubby but he works 70 hours per week t a demanding job and comes home very tired. We have sex only once a week – usually on weekends because he’s less tired then. But Monday-Friday after work he’s a DEAD FISH. Lol

    But seriously, this is getting really old for me. I want sex 3 or 4 times a week. I’ll even settle for twice a a week.

    I know for a fact he’s not cheating. That’s another stereotype. There are tons of reasons for men not to want sex and cheating is only one possible reason.

    So unless he cuts his hours back or finds a less demanding job I will have to resort to making myself happy if you know what I mean.

    1. I WAS RAPED

      And Im a man. and i dont believe in sex outside of marriage but since you are married I’m going to share my past experience. i think i can help you.I am a man and I was raped…and I actually kind of loved it. You see…very rarely did I say no. But one night I did. I lay there looking at her dead tired and she stood there hands on her hips giving me the angry look and then…she took off my shirt. I was like what…alright but nothings going to happen…well she made it happen. This was a healthy slender femminine woman taking matters into her own hands. Because men once aroused do not often roll over and go to sleep. At the risk of sounding crude and to save you embarrassment…if you do this start with the mouth, because doing your husband against his will is hard and you gotta get the fire burning. She didn’t take no for an answer. It took all of 7 minutes. She got off I got off and we were both satisfied. So ask him for 7 minutes of his time…and see what you can do…and if you are one of those slow to peek people then don’t be afraid to help yourself along. And if he says no use the voice. I’ve done more things because she said ohhhh but please sweetie then I care to admit. You all know what the voice is.

  22. I can’t believe you people!
    A little background on my life and situation.
    I’ve been with the same man for 11 1/2 years and married to him for almost 6.
    He was very young when we got together but swore his undying love to me.
    I’ve been a loving, supportive wife and partner. I loved him dearly. I’ve devoted myself to him.
    One big problem. I don’t like sex.I don’t want to do it.
    Now, I’ve found out that he cheated on me with 3 different bimbos in a years time and we are divorcing.
    I get little sympathy from anyone and am told its all my fault “for not putting out for your man.” And that “no man is going to stay with you unless you give him frequent sex.”
    Everyone is a lot more sympathetic and understanding to him and his position than mine.
    I always thought that the important things in a relationship were loving, caring , understanding, devotion and commitment.SILLY ME!!!!
    Now I’ve come to realize that its all about whether or not the genitals are satisfied and bodily fluids are exchanged.Nothing else matters or is important.
    Thanks to everyone and to society overall for reinforcing this message everyday and making people like me feel like an unvalued freak.Life is hell for a sexual people. We have no voice.

    1. I think the reason many people are less supportive of your position is because most people do, in fact, like sex, enjoy sex, and want sex. I think I have ever only heard someone refer to them self as “asexual” maybe once.

      While I sympathize with your situation, I also sympathize with your husband. He is not asexual and perhaps he thought his love for you would be enough to forgo sex. Sex for men and women is not generally an optional event, however. It is biological, physiological, emotional, and spiritual. It is meant to be practiced within marriage, not just as a means of procreation, but of connectedness and intimacy. Without being crude, you cannot be closer to someone than when you are engaged in sexual intercourse. Perhaps your husband craved that kind of closeness and intimacy.

      While he may not have been sensitive to your lack of sexual desire, I wonder if you were sensitive to his need for sex. Did you ever meet his sexual needs? Were you willing to put aside your own wants for him at times? Because marriage isn’t just getting what you want all the time. It is giving of yourself, yes even sexually at times, to bless, honor, serve, and share with your spouse. I’m not saying you should have become a adult movie star for him, but a little sexual pleasure would have gone a long way, I suspect.

      1. I think it’s a huge understatement to say this husband was not “sensitive” to his wife’s lack of sexual desire. Engaging in three extramarital sexual encounters/relationships goes way beyond insensitive, whatever the context. Adultery is still just plain wrong, and a fundamentally selfish act, even if you can understand why it happens.
        Oftentimes if a person feels cut off from their sexual side, something serious is going on internally. I know some people are not able to experience a healthy sexual relationship due to a history of sexual abuse or trauma, or unhealthy teachings that they have absorbed about their body and sex, which leave them associating sex only with negative or painful/traumatic experiences.
        I have no idea if this is the case for Amazed, but I think your response was somewhat callous. Seems like Amazed could benefit from some solid Christian counseling/therapy to address why she feels asexual, and help her process her divorce, which seems to be causing her a significant amount of pain. Suffering people need compassion even if you think they are wrong.

        1. Lauren,
          In all fairness, perhaps my use of the word “sensitive” was too light. However, I never said I think she is “wrong.” I cannot and will not pretend to know the intimacies that take place inside any particular marriage. We only heard Amazed side of the story and I cannot pass judgment. I was responding to the information given. In all fairness again, her husband is not here to defend himself either. It sounds a bit cliche, I’m sure, but there is always two sides to any story. You assume his transgressions were a direct result of her lack of sexual desire. Perhaps not. Perhaps they were for another reason altogether. We don’t know how he dealt with her asexuality. Perhaps he was only “insensitive” on that issue. She does not explicitly say, except that he cheated.

          The reason I took issue with her comment was because she accused other commenters of being somehow insensitive or rude for agreeing that within their own marriages, sex is a necessary component. As if they somehow could have known they were going to offend a woman who happens to be “asexual.” I find that illogical.

          Do I think her husband had a right to cheat? Absolutely NOT. Do I think a lack of sex in the relationship played a role in his infidelity? I can’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

          I’m glad you brought up counseling or therapy. Perhaps she should seek those out. She did not ask for my advice on her asexual nature however. She seemed rather confident in her ( I assume) self-diagnosis and so I did not feel compelled to offer her advice. Perhaps she doesn’t feel she needs to be fixed or cured. Perhaps she believes her asexuality is perfectly fine. But your point is taken.

          1. My apologies for responding rather hastily before, didn’t want to come across as a meanie. I think I read the tone of the post somewhat differently – it sounded like the writer felt pretty rejected as a person because of how that situation panned out, and she was writing out of a place of hurt and frustration. You are right she did not ask for advice.

            On another note, I just discovered your blog recently and it’s pretty great, so thanks for writing and actually responding to everyone’s comments!

          2. Lauren,
            No need to apologize, whatsoever. You’re comment was perfectly appropriate. You seem to have a heart for others that is evident even through a computer screen.

            Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I’m happy to have you be a part of this community! Blessings to you Lauren.

        2. This woman isn’t looking to help people, she’s a narcissistic rape supporter and probably a thinly veiled porn website PR skank.

  23. Okay, so we’re supposed to say yes even when we don’t want to. Fine, okay. I see your points but what about the guy not being affectionate or doing anything in return for the woman’s emotional needs and wants. It’s a two way street. Men and women have different needs and both sides need to give just as equally and your article is lacking in addressing that it is a two way street.

    1. I completely agree with you that marriage is a two-way street, so to speak. No marriage can survive when only one party is interested in serving or giving. But this post, however, was not the place to address women’s needs. This post was specific to men and their needs and how wives can best meet those needs.

      I just can’t make a post longer than 1000 words or people tend to not read it. But your point is a valid one. Perhaps I should write a follow-up post speaking to husbands about saying “yes.” What would you suggest husbands need to say “yes” to more often?

      1. Aw what would happen if people didn’t read your shitty little rape supporting blog? You wouldn’t get your check from the porn company?

  24. There is a lot of really interesting stuff here, in this post, and the resulting comments.

    My comment is focused on one area/question. You included this quote, in your post:

    “In life there are countless things we have to do each day, even though we “don’t feel like it.” We go to work, pay our bills, call that one annoying guy, get to bed at a reasonable hour, even though we don’t necessarily feel like it. Why should sex be any different?”

    To the question of “Why should sex be any different?”.

    My answer: the physical nature of it, and the consequences involved.

    Sex (biologically), for women, happens on the inside of their bodies. It’s not like paying bills, going to work, or doing something that occurs using the outside of their/our bodies

    I’m not saying that I think that makes sex “bad”. I’m saying – that makes sex a very different ballgame for women (than for men). And a very different ballgame than just about all other activities (other than surgical procedures). This is – I think – no small matter. We commonly overlook this fact these days. But I think it’s directly related to why women were taught for so long to feel ashamed of sex, and to steer clear of it: to protect themselves, their bodies, their health, to have control over their lives and future.

    Marriage doesn’t erase the consequences to women (as a result of sex).

    Men do not face the same consequences that women do. After we have sex, I feel great. My wife is the one who worries, and checks the calendar (hoping she’s not pregnant – yes, even when using contraception, it can and does happen). Of course I’ll take care of her if she gets pregnant. But it is her body, that the baby will grow inside of, not mine. It’s her body. And she does not want a baby at this time, and certainly not one growing inside of her body. It’s always a possibility, however, that sex can lead to pregnancy. We men never have to think or worry about “if” the act of sex will result in human being beginning to grow inside of our bodies. For us, it is all purely about intimacy, fun, pleasure, etc.

    My wife is also the one who goes to the gynecologist once a year and has her cervix scraped with a brush for the standard pap test. I have gone with her a few times. Most men don’t even know what goes on in the gynecologists office. When they see for the first time, they cringe and say “I could never stand to do that even once, let alone once a year”. Most of my guy friends don’t even ever get the full STD testing, because they refuse the tests that require the swab thing to swab inside their urethra. It’s too “invasive” for them.

    My wife has had what I’m told are very common gynecological procedures. Like once she had a biopsy of her cervix cells (they cut out a bit of it in a cone shape, called a cone biopsy), and then had her cervix cells frozen (a “cryo” freezing proceedure), to make sure inflammation from HPV doesn’t progress on to cancer.

    I am told that these are pretty common procedures, that many women have – and ofen don’t even complain about. Most guys don’t hear about these things, and don’t realize what women go through, as a result of being sexually active. Yes – even with their husbands. Marriage doesn’t eliminate the consequences. Being monogamous doesn’t either.

    My wife is also the one who will occasionally get a vaginal infection after we have sex, or a urinary tract infection. Men don’t have to deal with that, as a result of having sex. Sure, you can say, “oh no big deal”, she just goes to the doctor, has a quick pelvic exam, and they write her a script for the infection.

    And sure a lot of that stuff won’t kill her. Especially in today’s day and age.

    But my point is: I really think men should be more respectful of what women do for sex and for us. So much of this is “hush hush”. My wife says that she and her female friends don’t want to complain or share the gorey details with their men. Especially because it might “gross them out”. And women don’t like to be thought of as gross, infected, or smelly (especially not “down there”). And they don’t want to be complainers or be viewed as “prudes” or overly-sensitive or weak.

    But I think more women would be a lot more enthused to say “yes” to sex more often, if their men really had some understanding and respect for what goes on behind the scenes.

    Guys, it’s not the same for women. Their bodies are different.

    This doesn’t mean sex is bad, or something to be avoided. I think as men, we need to have more respect for this fact of life, and for our wives. More respect will translate into a deeper love, and a better overall respectful, meaningful, loving sex life.

    1. I think you make an interesting argument towards the “why should sex be any different” point. However, I’d respond with a couple of points.

      Firstly, I acknowledge that sex is different for women. I have written about this in fact. However, I find that many women use this as an excuse to avoid sex or say “no” to their husbands more often. Men, both married and unmarried, are asked to daily deny their instincts or natural tendencies towards being sexually aggressive or desiring multiple partners. They instead conform to society and/or marriage and try to not be sexually assertive and many choose to take on one woman for the rest of their lives, as opposed to many.

      Women, however, use the fact that sex is a more emotional event for them in order to “get out of it” when they aren’t in the mood. I’m simply suggesting that if men are asked to daily supress their natural sexual tendencies, why shouldn’t (or can’t) women do the same?

      In addition, much of the things you listed here in your comment have nothing to do with sex, but rather a womans genitalia. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is the truth. A trip to the ob/gyn is about the least sexual thing a woman can experience. It has everything to do with her vagina and nothing to do with intimacy between her and her husband.

      I do agree with you that women would be more apt to say yes if their husbands had more understanding and respect. But I don’t think husbands need to know about yeast infections, vaginal exams, or the like. They need to realize that woman need to be put in the mood over the course of a day–kind gestures, helping with the kids, doing dishes, massaging her back–all of that helps a woman say “yes” more.

      Thanks for the thoughtful comment!

      1. Clearly you and your genitalia get along, good for you. I happen to be one of those women who get a UTI every single time I have sex with my husband. Sometimes I say no even when I want to have sex because I know a few minutes of sex will mean another week of pain, meds etc. And it will mean I am sick and grumpy, and that doesn’t make me a good wife.
        You have probably never been raped either. For someone who has been raped, allowing someone to have sex with you when you don’t want it 100% can be triggering and bring back feelings of guilt, shame, and it can just be scary (even with someon you love) and make you feel worthless and used. For a woman who had a positive sexual life before and during marriage, hasn’t been sexually abused, and isn’t prone to UTIs, bv or yeast infections, saying yes to sex when you arent in the mood is probably not a big deal. But for the rest of us, it is, sorry.
        Half the time I go to the gyno is to figure out some sex related problem, btw. And I do think my husband should know when I have a yi or uti. It wouldn’t be cool to have sex and pull out and see an bunch of cottage cheese on your dick, would it? Likewise, since my husband actually cares about me, he just wants to know when I’m not feeling well and what is going on with my body, much like mr. Astro.
        When we do have sex, it’s nice and we feel connected. But it usually causes me a good amount of pain after a few minutes and by then I just want him to finish, which is hard for both of us, but he doesn’t like causing me pain, so he finishes a little sooner than he’d like, because he cares about me.
        Luckily my husband see me as more than a sex toy, and realizes I’m a human with my own needs, experiences and issues, just like him, and is interested in them and want to help me where he can (and I him)… That is why we love eachother, and why we have always been close no matter what kind of crazy things have happened in our relationship.

        1. I dont think the author means to suggest that you are a sex toy or that loving men are not willing to go without under the right circumstances…now to resolving your problem… there are actually supplements that keep these kinds of things from happening…they have in fact helped a lot of people. The most basic thing is a high quality multi like ortho core or nutrient 950…something with metafolin. That’s to start. It takes about 6 months to really change things…then come the herbals…but for the immune response the most important thing is to cut back sugar…that and amino acids…specifically the 9 essentials like amino 9 and glutamine. Cabbage also helps to strengthen mucoSal membranes against infection. If you want more intimacy this might do it. I don’t know if you will ever see this comment…but my heart really goes out to you. Hope it helps. Oh one more thing if you get herbals be sure it’s extract and not whole root.

      2. Wow you really are a damaged person. I feel really sad for you because you really are in a shitty relationship and obviously have no self-esteem. Please stop blogging and get back to sucking your husband’s dick – it’s obviously the most important thing in your world and by blogging you are neglecting your “duties”.

  25. Hmmm, well, the things I listed do have everything to do with a woman’s intimacy with her husband. Don’t you think?

    The trip to the gynecologist isn’t sexual. But it’s my wife’s genitalia (and internal organs) that I’m having sex with. If she’s doesn’t have sex, the consequences that affect her genitalia (and internal organs) – that are a natural result of sexual intercourse – won’t occur.

    Being willing to be honest about sex and our bodies, and consequences – isn’t asking anyone to “go against their instincts”.

    Children wish to be shielded from reality and consequence, and want to experience only the “pleasure” side of things. Isn’t it a part of being a responsible, loving adult (and spouse) to be able to experience pleasure in conjunction with ALSO acknowledging reality – and being honest about consequences?

  26. What an amazing eye opener to sit here and read through all these comments and Nicole I must say the way you manage to answers all the comments, both good and bad is superb.

    So glad I have found your blog. Mich x

  27. Thanks for much for sharing this. I’m married to a Pastor and we lead very busy lives. We have 3 little ones under 5 and I’m often exhausted after working a full time job, having a full time weekend in ministry, and being a full time mom. Thanks for offering some advice that I can actually follow without feeling like its a sin (smile). Thanks!

  28. Me and my wife have been together for about 5 months. She is preganant now and we have both been going through alot of things..ya know with the changes. But at first, we were having sex 3 times a week. Tehn later it was two. Then she accused me of asking for sex too often for here. So for her i agreed to ask he once a week. I’m a young guy, so my hormones might still be ya know. And we just got into it about me asking for sex AGAIN. And she is saying how i am holding sex over her head cause she wont do it likeI would like to. What do I do now????

  29. I’ve been married for about three years now, sex was frequent at first but she is not interested now very much.
    I’ve almost always had to initiate. I want a wife that desires me, and she does, but not for sex, she desires me
    for conversation, listening, having meals, etc. As long as I meet those needs she is content, and I hear about it if I don’t.
    The few times she is with me, she is not that into it like before. She refuses to work on finding out why or what she
    can do to help herself feel more desire through the help of doctors. If she would just be cooperative in finding a solution
    I could be more patient but she tells me I should just accept her as she is. I’m at the point that I don’t want to try to meet
    her emotional/conversational needs anymore because she won’t be committed to seeing that my needs are taken care of.
    How would she feel if I started treating her needs like she treats mine ?

      1. I’m a big advocate of manning up. A man by nature does not just do the things you do. You must fight tooth and nail to be attentive and loving. So the answer to accepting her for who she is irrelevent. You changed for her and you expect the same. Put your foot down. But before you tell her that ask her why. If she can’t tell you then proceed. If you have done everything you can. If you have been a man then you deserve to have the proper respect. You deserve to be valued in your own home. You deserve these things when you have cowtowed to her whims and done everything to make her happy. Be your own man. Don’t be afraid to walk out and let her stew. You are the head. Walking out for a bit is the solomon way. She might even be pleasantly surprised when you assert yourself. She is testing you and you are failing. She may not be attracted because you are basically her footstool. I don’t know if you are a christian but in my experience outside of Christ that is usually the way things go. When you come back from your walk tell her that you love her and that this rejection is killing you. Be open, be a man. That’s right being a man means opening up. If she cuts you further then you may want to leave because that isn’t love or marriage…it’s abuse. If you don’t want to meet her needs then stop. Your love is constant but your willingness to make her happy is a reward. Treat it as such.

  30. Husbands don’t feel unloved and undesirable when sex is rejected, they just start looking somewhere else to fulfill the need.

  31. I am a woman with “one of the rare species”. It makes me, as a woman, feel terrible if he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I love to have sex with him. I often initiate. And I get rejected most of the time. I guess I understand little of what a husband should feel like.

    I would like to try and describe it this way. The way you, as a woman, feels when you are not emotionally supported, could be the way your husband would feel if you physically reject him.

    I experience that most people would argue: “but me…”, “but my…” A relationship is not about a competition that one should be “better” than the other etc. I find that people are getting so self-centred nowadays, and of course, that is going straight through to our children. Hence the lack of self-control, instant need-gratification etc. All because the “me” is becoming bigger than the whole. (With the “job description” and responsibilities of the male in the Bible, I am truly thankful I am a woman.)

    A lot of people posted that if their partner “would give in and lie like a doll” they would rather not do it. Of course, me neither. But what if your husband would say: OK, darn, let’s get talking a little bit, ’cause you insist. Wait, I’ll just miss the news and I’ll listen, ’cause you insist…” You would feel hurt, neglected and it would hurt your relationship. Likewise, if he’ll not be in the mood, but be considered to your needs and listen politely and with interest, or schedule a time (just after the news, Dear)it wouldn’t kill him, or degrade him or have any negative influence upon him, it would, in fact, make the relationship stronger. Same with sex, because a man is biologically “build” to have to have sex. You’ll build the relationship.

    Thank you for your awesome site. Excuse the language, I’m not English!

  32. I agree that you can have sex sometimes when not in the mood; but what if you partner has been acting like an ass, tells you he needs an “appointment” for sex, says that having sex might make him stop behaving like less of ass (actually said “he knew he had been edgy”, and this would help), so I do while toddler eating breakfast and teenager at school. Now, here comes the magic question. Now that I have had sex with an “edgy” husband, what exactly is my mood like? Did I enjoy being emotionally extorted for sex? Or did I grit my teeth and clinch my fist and hope for a quick ending? This kind of behavior has a nasty side and should not be endorsed without proper knowledge of each situation.

    1. I completely understand your complaints, but here is what I would counter with:

      How long are you and your husband going without having sex, so as to cause him to get “edgy” in the first place? For example, when I know my husband is going to have a stressful work week, I try to initiate sex first or more often, so as to help alleviate some of that stress for him. Sex for men is a huge stress reducer, much more so than for women. Being proactive might help prevent him from becoming an ass, as it were.

      As for having an appointment, I’m all for it. I have a 5 year old, 3 year old, and 6 month old. I’m exhausted most days and life is crazy busy. But my husband and I have “sex” on our calendar for 2 days a week and an optional 3rd and 4th. It is not as romantic as a spontaneous night of intimacy, sure, but it helps ensure that it happens. Plus, we look forward to it on those days and flirt through the day leading up to it.

      I would also encourage you to tell him how his behavior (making you feel emotionally extorted) makes you feel. I regularly communicate to my husband that if he wants to get some, I cannot be exhausted and it cannot be at the end of a hard day. Which means he helps me get kids to bed, washes dishes, and gives me a neck rub, knowing good and well that I will be way more apt to say yes to sex. Give your husband some guidelines too. He is not the only one who has needs or who is entitled to share them. If you need more emotional foreplay, or a back rub, or an extra hour of sleep, or snuggling, whatever it is, tell him. Open up the communication because communicating well on the issue of sex is the most important thing we can do in our marriages to ensure that our sex life is a happy one.

      Blessings to you.

  33. I really love my wife, and have since we met. Next week we will be “celebrating” our 24th year together which is a milestone for my wife as she will have at that point lived with me longer than with her parents. We started off having sex often. Then it slowed down, and has been a yo yo for many years. We don’t kiss much either and I like to kiss (most guys I know don’t.)

    At one point, sex stopped completely for 9 months, then I got sex, but no touching. Honestly, it is frustrating and to be honest, it’s true that men feel rejected when a wife (or girlfriend) says no. Even now I am having difficulties writing this because it does hurt.

    My Pastor preached a sermon (shortly before he divorced, so I can associate with him) where he spoke of having counseled people for over twenty years with marriage issues, and spoke of the wives who always picked fights with the husband, and withheld sex for two weeks. Two days before the two weeks is up, they pick a fight and it’s another two weeks.

    He then said that they show up to his office, crying and wondering why their husbands are off having affairs. The answer is simple. If you don’t have sex with your husband, Satan will send him someone who will. And she will do it twice a day! You can only blame yourselves ladies! <– That's my opinion.

    Well, the sex kind of picked up, but in recent years I've heard the "I love you but am not in love with you" line. I'm sure she does love me, and I have been faithful, even though I feel that I was entitled to have an affair.

    Well, the sex has been seldom lately. two or three times a month, and my "stamina" is now suffering due to health issues, and I really feel cheated by not having the sex I wanted or felt "entitled" to. This being the case, and as I write this, I was again rejected just a mere 4 hours ago.

    I'm not getting any younger, and recently I began striking up a conversation with a woman I meet almost daily at a deli getting our coffee. She is at best an acquaintance from around town, and I began to feel attracted to her. I wanted to ask her out for coffee, and lo and behold she divorced her husband about a year ago.

    This past Friday, I asked her out for coffee, and much to my complete and unexpected surprise she said yes. We haven't planned a date for it yet, but I think it will happen this week. My "plan" at this point is just to get to know her a little better. I will be explaining to her why I asked her for coffee, and honestly it is to start a relationship if she's up to it.

    I'm really not looking for a sexual relationship at this point — only talking, kissing and hugging or caressing. I just need to feel "loved" if that makes any sense. The time of rejection is hopefully over for me, and I don't like what I am about to do, but I really feel that I have put up with this for a very long time, and that most men would have cheated a long time ago. I said at the start of this paragraph that I wasn't looking for sex, but should the situation present itself, I don't know that I would be able to resist. I won't be pushing for it, but if my "girlfriend" does, it will be a hard decision to make and I don't know how long I would be able to hold out.

    I know that some of the ladies reading this will call me names, but ladies, I've had it. I really put up with it longer than most men would, and when an evangelist visited my church, and prayed for my wife, not knowing anything about her, and said "You have the spirit of rejection," (this happened maybe 8 years ago) then the answer was handed to me back then. I'm sorry for having to do this, and feel some shame, but again, I was placed in this position. I just hope that this ends well. Thanks for letting me vent.

    1. Will you please take your wife out to her favorite place for dinner, talk about the best times in your marriage, avoid complaining about ANYTHING at all, try to make her smile and laugh, rub her neck/shoulders/back for at least 10 minutes when you get home. Tell her she’s beautiful, and that you love her, and crave her. Tell us if she really doesn’t give you some kind of positive response. You cannot expect sex right away, but keep up this behavior for a week or two, and let us know what happens.

      Cheating on your wife will make you feel WORSE, not better. Don’t be an idiot.

      Be honest with yourself. Have you REALLY and TRULY tried everything? It may have been this way a very long time, but what has YOUR behavior been like this whole time? What does the relationship look like from her perspective? Try to step outside of your desire and see what she’s feeling. Talk to her.

      Seriously, cheating doesn’t help you. You will feel worse, I promise.

  34. “I want a wife that desires me, and she does, but not for sex, she desires me for conversation, listening, having meals, etc. As long as I meet those needs she is content, and I hear about it if I don’t.” (sounds like your wife just wants a close female roomie, not a spouse)

    “There’s a culture among women that says that sex is something that needs to be earned”

    “I agree 100%, you need more sex is a relationship to keep it healthy than the average woman seems to want.”

    “I have been married for 8 years and in the beginning – couldn’t give a flip about sex”

    “Why isn’t the man expected to please his wife by *not* having sex?”

    And comments like these are why being a single Christian guy who desires marraige is sometimes pretty depressing. It leaves A LOT of them thinking: What am I waiting for? Nothing much apparently.

    “A ot of times it’s the husband that doesn’t want to have sex. It’s just an old stereotype that wives are the ones who aren’t in the mood. ”

    It’s clearly not JUST an old stereotype since the majority of current personal experience comments from both genders are in agreement with it.

    “Your desire to say ‘No” comes directly from that sex hating religion of yours.”

    Uh, what? It’s not like this is something that exists only in Christianity. Men wanting sex more often and women continually being not in the mood for it is not something that happens among gender lines. I’ve lost track of the number of atheist/agnostic/humanist/etc men who’ve commented that “When marriage starts, the sex ends” and similar things like that.

  35. “I want a wife that desires me, and she does, but not for sex, she desires me for conversation, listening, having meals, etc. As long as I meet those needs she is content, and I hear about it if I don’t.” (sounds like your wife just wants a close female roomie, not a spouse)

    “There’s a culture among women that says that sex is something that needs to be earned”

    “I agree 100%, you need more sex is a relationship to keep it healthy than the average woman seems to want.”

    “I have been married for 8 years and in the beginning – couldn’t give a flip about sex”

    “Why isn’t the man expected to please his wife by *not* having sex?”

    And comments like these are why being a single Christian guy who desires marraige is sometimes pretty depressing. It leaves A LOT of them thinking: What am I waiting for? Nothing much apparently.

    “A ot of times it’s the husband that doesn’t want to have sex. It’s just an old stereotype that wives are the ones who aren’t in the mood. ”

    It’s clearly not JUST an old stereotype since the majority of current personal experience comments from both genders are in agreement with it.

    “Your desire to say ‘No” comes directly from that sex hating religion of yours.”

    Uh, what? It’s not like this is something that exists only in Christianity. Men wanting sex more often and women continually being not in the mood for it is not something that happens among gender lines. I’ve lost track of the number of atheist/agnostic/humanist/etc men who’ve commented that “When marriage starts, the sex ends” and similar things like that

  36. I won’t say that my husband is exactly like one of those “rare breed” types…. but I DO want sex more often than he does. Part of it is the season of my life; I am 39 and in my “sexual peak”! I don’t want sex two or three times a week; at some times of the month, I want sex two or three times a DAY! (in the morning, when we wake up, and in the evening….but midday, when available, would be grand too!! :)) Mind you, not EVERY DAY…. but I seem to want to make love A LOT!!! And, when I want to and he doesn’t…. he just says, “well, you should just accept the fact that I will continue to be a disappointment to you” (which, I know full well is a LIE from the PIT OF HELL…. and the LORD rebuke the deceiver who devises such lies!)…. and then he walks away while I sit there feeling foolish and naked (literally and figuratively)…. and all I want is more sexual intimacy with my husband. Just as a note, the sexual relations that we DO have are AMAZING…. i mean AMAZING!! And, I tell him…. a lot!! I know that is important to a man and “words of affirmation” are one of his love languages… so, I make sure to vocalize (both during sex and outside of the bed) how much I love it…. how great I think he is in bed, etc…. so, I want to be content with what we DO have which is great…. but it is still this sad irony for me…. here I am, ready to go….. almost all of the time….. and my husband actually says “no” to me from time to time…. when he just doesn’t “feel” like it..

    The thing is, I used to be different… when I was younger and was previously married, didn’t know (or rejected) the Truth, was acting out the lie that is “feminism”, etc.. i rejected headship and submission too….I also played that “we will have sex when you deserve it” game too – a deadly game with no winners! So, I think this post is spot on! It speaks to a heart issue and sacrificial love. (and, WOW, that rape comment that someone made was just such an emotional over-reaction. I have been raped in marriage, so I know….. one of the many pitfalls of a marriage spiraling out of control; one in which sex is used as currency and as part of a “reward” system….ugh!!! Thankfully, none of what you wrote had anything to do with rape. Seems to me that people are missing what you DIDN’T say: namely, that a husband should FORCE his wife to say YES. I didn’t see where you wrote that…. maybe I missed it and that explains some of the angry comments ;) It is the same thing with the whole “submission” discussion…. Submission is something that women do voluntarily, as unto the LORD… not something that husbands can coerce!!)

    From reading through most of the negative comments it seems there is a common thread: most of them seem to have bought into “modern” thinking that says it is all about “me” and what I want and “he needs to satisfy me if he wants this”…. that is “law” thinking instead of “grace” thinking. If you do such and such, THEN you are worthy of the Blood of Christ! Thankfully THAT isn’t so. I even had to encourage my husband to let me make love to him when we were in a drawn out time of arguing and having unresolved issues… we seemed to be at an impasse and I wanted to make love to him – not because sex will fix everything, but to affirm, in the midst of a tense time, our love, commitment, intimacy, etc…. (that is a radical turnaround from who I once was…thank you, LORD).

    And, of course, as I am typing this, I am not missing the message to exhibit grace toward my husband. This morning, we had a wonderful time of emotional intimacy, conversation and prayer in bed….and then i wanted to make love! He started to speak and I did too (at the same time), so I let him go ahead. He said: well, i guess I will get up and go work on some of that paperwork. And, I said: oh, I was going to ask you to make love to me. He said: I know you were. But, he got up and went downstairs….and I was left crying in bed….asking the LORD to deal with our hearts…to help me forgive him…to increase my husband’s desire for me or to decrease mine (I would prefer the former of course :) ) Gosh….. I just saw it as it is….or, had another a-ha moment! Satan is such a schemer, such an enemy of marriage: we had that beautiful time of emotional and spiritual intimacy this morning…. so he attempted to divide us over the physical aspect. But, I won’t stand down and let him!

    Thanks for letting me unload my heart a bit here… I am going to go downstairs and lay my broken, naked heart at my husband’s feet once again…. loving him means loving all the way, all the time….even when it hurts….even when I have to swallow my pride or miss out on something that I desperately want.

  37. I know this is an old thread, but perhaps someone out there has some insight. I’m married (6 years) and pregnant (26 weeks) and we haven’t had sex since I got pregnant. I’m not sure how dh feels about it (I think he is concerned about the safety of the child, which is understandable), but frankly, I’m relived that I get a break from having to perform the duty of sex. Dh let me know early on that he is not interested in making sex fun or eben
    interesting, that I shouldn’t make a big deal about it and that sex is just
    something we should be able to just “do” (without any effort our imagination on his part).
    Why should I reward this behavior? Why should I have to shoulder the burden of obligatory sex when he had no interest in making it enjoyable? I do have a right to actually enjoy sex, right? Or is that something only husbands get to insist upon?

  38. I don’t know if this site is still active or not but I’m going to post for peace of mind. My wife and I have been married for 3 years and lately I’ve been looking up advice as to why I get rejected so much. I am 36, she is 35. We make love maybe twice a month and it kills me that it’s so seldom. I’m not some drone of a man, I grew up around women. I have always loved women and everything about them. I find beauty in everyone no matter what they look like, big, or small. I love my wife to pieces. We were best friends for years before she finally gave in and gave me a shot.

    When we first committed to each other the sex was way more frequent, but has tapered way off. I know she has worries about life, we all do, I get that. However, after awhile I get physical tension and sexual stress,I don’t mean too, it just happens. My wife is incredibly gorgeous to me and extremely sexy which makes it hard for me to NOT want her. It’s more than physical to me than anything. Making love helps me feel reconnected emotionally to her. Each day that goes by that we don’t make love, each time I’m rejected, there’s some resentment I can’t help but feel. My feelings get hurt deeply inside. I try not to show it, but sometimes the pain it causes, makes me want to cry. Then I feel ashamed as a man for nearly crying. Men aren’t suppose to feel like this right? But I do…

    I’ve tried talking to her about it, but it makes no difference. She is basically going to force me to cut off the desire completely and put up a wall. Who wants the anguish of rejection so much from someone they love? I’ve thought of cheating and that really makes it worse for me because I know I should never even have the thought, but a void has been created that needs to be filled. I’m afraid that I may break if someone else tempts me and knowing that upsets me. I can’t leave her over sex, I would hate myself. I feel like such a horrible person.

    What do I do?

    1. I forgot, when we DO make love it’s utterly amazing. I’m very creative, imaginative, and very adventurous and it’s like she just forgets how great it is. I DON’T!! I never ever finish before she’s had a few and am all about her. I don’t understand…

  39. Been there, done that. Read half a dozen books. My husband treats and talks with me as if I am a stranger downstairs, but he wants me to meet his sexual needs upstairs. He believes that since he earns the income (I’ve raised and home schooled our two kids), he has more than met his obligations as a husband, and my job is to fulfill his sexual needs. I’ve tried as for as many years as I could, even after he brought out the shotgun and told me I was his enemy, even after he threw my clothes on the floor and told me to leave (twice), even after he kicked me out of the house in nothing but my pajamas, even after he told me he wanted a divorce (three times). I’ve tried. He believes that the only problem in our marriage is that I do not meet his sexual needs. I cause his anger. Note: that is what all abusive husbands claim. A wife is a partner, not a prostitute that has been bought and paid for. He will not see a counselor. He only went to a doctor after he became catatonic and could not pull himself completely out of it. When someone who has a mental illness blames his wife for his emotional problems AND requires sex for him to remain functional — there are problems that sex cannot solve. Where’s the message about husbands loving their wives? Where’s the message about husbands doing something, anything, to help their wives welcome their sexual advances? We are human beings, not sex toys available on demand.

    1. Jo,
      I cannot begin to understand the heartache you’ve experienced at the hands of your husband. But I will clarify that your husband, while I don’t know him, from the description you give here sounds like he was mentally not well and bordering on abusive.

      My post telling women to have sex is not in the parameters of an abusive relationship. It simply is not. I suppose I could have written that as a preface to the post, but I admit that the idea never crossed my mind because it is so far from my own experience.

      So, I apologize if you view this as me giving an abusive husband permission to demand sex from his wife. That is not the message I wish to condone here in anyway. This is an encouragement for women to say “yes” to sex more often within their otherwise happy marriages, so as to produce even happier healthier marriages.

      Thank you for being willigness to comment here. I appreciate it very much.

  40. I am a twenty year old woman and your post here absolutely terrifies me. Middle aged men wrote the bible. Middle aged men in the form of preachers today tell women that they should please their husbands even if they themselves will get no pleasure. Middle aged men in the form of husbands further this by insisting upon the act of sex. This is the reality. Your opinions or feelings do not come into play in your relationship and I feel awful for you for becoming so blinded by your master. Oops! I meant husband.

    1. Liz,
      Do you believe that God make sex for both men and women to enjoy? I do. The clitoris, for example, has no anatomical purpose on a woman except to bring pleasure.

      I think, however, as a married women, that many other married women forfeit sex because they find it an inconvenience many times. They are tired or distracted or any number of things. I am not in any way condoning women just roll over and let their husband climb on top of them. What I am arguing, however, is that if more women committed to the importance and need for sex within marriage, thus prioritizing it marriages would be happier overall.

      I have men write me who in sexless marriages–whose wives have not had sex with them for 2,3, 5+ years. I would ask you Liz, do you think that is okay? Do you think that a marriage is at its strongest when it is a sexless one?

      No where in this post do I suggest that my husband gets to demand, force, or coerce me into having sex. It is a ridiculous and preposterous conclusion for you to even suggest such a thing. I happen to believe that sex is a gift to be shared between a husband and a wife, freely and often. If a woman in constantly in “no” mode, well then that gift cannot be shared. My goal is not to encourage women to become mindless sex drones or for men to Lord over them as masters. No! My goal is to help encourage women to understand their husbands needs and to encourage more sex within marriage because it is critical to the overall health and strength of marriages.

  41. Wow what a discussion has taken place here! It was so interesting and thought-provoking to read your post, Nicole, and all of the comments that follow it. I know it’s an older post but obviously it is very much a relevant one. Thank you for posting!! There are many different people out there with many different views on this and of course there are going to be people who read this and are appalled at what they read because they don’t understand it or don’t agree with Christianity, or just plain don’t agree with it at all. It doesn’t fit for everyone but I love that you are trying to “encourage women to understand their husbands needs and to encourage more sex within marriage because it is critical to the overall health and strength of marriages.” It is so so true! I came to this site feeling like one of the women you write about and now I am enthusiastic and excited to try this out! I have heard before that couples that have this issue may try to commit to having sex every day for 30 days straight and that many (if not all of them) come out of the challenge with happier and healthier sex lives and relationships because of it. It sounds similar to what you’re preaching here. It’s not about forcing yourself or being forced to do something you are completely against, it’s about loving the partner that you had committed to loving forever, and when you make it a priority to meet or exceed your partner’s expectations, and when you have a partner that wants the same for you, the love that flows from that is endless. No relationship is perfect, and, again, this cannot be said for every relationship (not every relationship was made to last) but it is true for many. If you make that commitment and you have a partner who makes that commitment to you, that is a happy and healthy relationship. Thank you again Nicole for a great article!

    1. Sarah,
      Thank you for commenting! You so get it and I’m encouraged to know that this post inspired you in some small way to put some of these ideas into practice.

      May your marriage and marriage bed be abundantly blessed as a result!

  42. Loved the article and yes I agree….. I have been on the side of “No, not tonight” or “I am to tired,” to watching my husband slowly shut down all emotional connection with me. Yep I did it and I am not proud. Now he calls me a nympho and to be quite honest I am loving every bit of our half hour nightly connection……. Well worth the change! But it took me noticing he was not noticing me anymore:-)

  43. I find it really funny ( not in a haha sense ) when non Christian’s comment on Christian blogs. First being only one of few Christians around, I always hear the worst stories about sex. I.e boyfriend forced them, girlfriend wasn’t really paying attention, to people’s private parts being laughed at and I just closed my eyes. Errr sorry WHAT that sounds like RUBBISH SEX TO ME!! Sorry to be blunt but non Christian’s aren’t having great sex at all from what I am hearing
    The bible doesn’t allow either sex to demand sex NEVER!! Trust me I am sure you are gonna have rubbish sex. Men do you know what happens to you neurologically if you just want to gratify your genitals, when you finished you have that staving feeling. It’s because you didn’t actually have real sex, you just pleasured yourself which is a small part of the story, what a waste. You FAILED to satisfy a woman that actually makes you not a man but a PIG
    Women when you reject a man on a number of occasions, he will get some complex which is most likely to be physical. I.e I can’t satisfy her etc. When you do have sex you will find he will try to cut himself off more because, he really doesn’t want to have the pain of you hurting him sexually. When you offer a man sex he will be a fool to reject you!!! you will feel a lot more free don’t wait for him to start things going , just open your mouth and say what you want, make it plain obvious (women we know how to use our eyes VERY well .) What is this RUBBISH that Christian women aren’t sexual or never think about sex, really no. Honestly sex is a gift own it !! Women try to think of sex as a gift think of unwrapping your husband like a pair of shoes or a dress. Then you find a good looking man becomes even hotter.

    Hope this helps

  44. I’ve always felt the other way around. Like I’m always willing to say yes to my husband ( we just got married) but he is either too tired (I’m tired too, but I’m up for it!) or we just ate dinner (who cares?)… etc..

    I’m tired of being the one looking for him… I’m about to shut down..

    1. I truly understand where you are coming from. Going through the same thing and I already shut down. Do yourself a favor seek a Christian counselor…a professional before shutting down.

  45. I disagree. Sex is a primitive biological need which only is fueled by the evolutionary desire to procreate, forming replacement homo sapiens. One needs food, water, shelter and clothing (warmth, if not clothing). Sex shouldn’t be used as a bargaining tool; shouldn’t be withheld to make a point. As well, no one should say ‘yes’ when they aren’t in the mood. My husband and I have the worst sex life possible but one thing he’s said repeatedly is that he has no desire to have sexual relations with me based on my overall lack of enthusiasm, my view that it’s a chore to be completed in the most efficient manner possible. Perhaps a better plan is to establish your desire for sex before marriage and put it into practise before then. Figure out a good compromise and call it a day at that. This is coming from first hand experience: figure it out before you’re in too deep. My husband and I are now seven months into marriage and miserable. It is a factor that I’m asexual (see http://www.asexuality.org/ if you want to learn more about this very real [non] sexual orientation which has garnered protective laws in two states.) and he’s very sexual. I didn’t realise this until after we were married based on the concept of waiting until marriage.

  46. You don’t mention the periods of time where a woman physically cannot “perform” or it is uncomfortable to have sex, such as in the late stages of pregnancy when it truly is uncomfortable or when she has post-natal stitches! This article, whilst having done reasonable points risks making a man’s “need” for sex synonymous with a “right” to sex, thus approaching that borderline that condones adultery or even marital rape for the temporarily sex deprived man. Tread carefully, some men may misread your preachings.

  47. I enjoyed reading your blog.
    I wish that it was that easy. I have tried the whole saying yes to him when he wanted it but when I am in the mood he turns me down. It hurts and makes me feel separated from him. It also makes me want to say no to him more. I will not lie to you or anyone else out here (because ya’ll don’t know me…lol) but I actually prayed to God to take that urge away from me so I would not continue to feel rejected. To my surprize I have not felt the urge to pounce on him. I went from actually wanting him each and every time he walked through the door or step out of the shower, not to mention shaving his face, to not wanting it at all. I am a mother of five boys and to still desire your husband or want to feel that closeness from him was pretty impressive to me. But to not feel the same coming from him was a set back. Now when he wants it I find myself looking at the clock, things that he use to do that turned me on urkes my nerves, and I find sex becoming more and more of a chore that has to be completed rather than a time for us to come together as one. Do not get me wrong I love my husband with my entire heart body and soul, I prayed for him, and so thankful that God has blessed us to be together as one. I have never stepped out of our marriage and never plan to. I am not taking anything away from him because he is a wonderful husband father and provider, I am just tired of feeling rejected when the time comes around that I need to release myself. A vibrator does not cut it because I want the real thing! When he says no to me I fall back and feel low. I think that if I should take the time to say yes to him than the same thing should go for him as well.

    1. I forgot to mention that I am a mother of five, a fitness instructor for the base, and a teacher. I have been told that I do even look like I have any children and look younger than what I am until they see my family or pictures of it. I keep myself together because it makes me feel good. But the looks and comments that I receive from other guys are looks and comments that I strongly desire from him. It is as if I am not even there.

  48. Though I agree that sex is important in a marraige, I dont feel that women should do it just to please the husband. I mean, we are still our own person, and if we say no for a week straight that should be our right. And this is from experience, (no degree) the times that I have given in when im not in the mood, it makes me discusted with him. So what, when he cries Im supposed to give in? No, absolutely not. Please keep in mind, I know you dont know me or my situation, but this is a HUGE problem in my marraige. And no amount of counseling will change my mind. A marraige takes two, it takes respect and understanding. You need to give as well.

    1. This sounds like me. HUGE problem in our marriage. Giving him more sex didn’t help us at all, and now I’m disgusted with him AND myself for all the times he’s pressured me for it. I don’t want counseling either. I know that what he did was wrong and I will no longer put up with it. If he ever hopes for our sex life to be good again, MUTUALLY GOOD, he knows he’d better BACK OFF.

  49. I think we are talking about two different situations and so we are getting two different perspectives in the comments. The first are relationships that simply are not going well at all and so it’s not just a matter of being less selfish and recognizing a partners needs. I would guess there are other issues at hand causing the lack of desire for both parties. The second are what Ms. Cottrell is speaking of – a generally positive relationship where one of the parties, (admittedly most likely the female,) simply does not understand or see the importance in being sexually generous to the person they love. I completely agree with Ms. Cottrell here. It can be emotionally crushing to a man to know that his partner in life doesn’t find him sexually desirable – which in turn causes all sorts of other repercussions, (less economic success, more infidelity, less communication in the existing relationship, etc.) No, it is clearly not the women’s fault if these things happen – but why not avoid the miss-communication to begin with. By being sexually generous, (in combination with an honest swift kick in the pants if your man is a slacker or dumbass sometimes,) I think women would get a much more positive relationship for themselves as well.

  50. I found this a very interesting piece. I’ve been married for 27 years and sex has never been fulfilling for me. I’ve tried everything I could possibly think of to improve it but nothing has helped. In fact I spent 25 years trying to figure out what makes her tick, at least just one thing and I think I’m now further than I was when I started. Rejection is what I’ve lived with most of my marriage. If I had just one word to say about this relationship, it would be rejection. That is what hurts me so much. I wish to God I didn’t care for it and want it. In fact after praying so much for so long and seeking and finding absolutely no answers to this problem I have convinced myself God doesn’t really care. If he did something somehow would have happened. We raised 3 kids, have a nice home, she has been able to be a mom and stay at home, I have tried to help around the house as much as I can and so on. I’ve tried dates, dinners, listening more and spending time with her. No matter what I’ve tried it backfires. Example: If she says I need to spend more time with her and work less, if I come home earlier she is upset I interupt her day and how dare me think she should just stop and concider that I’m there. I get examples like that all the time. Use to be on rare occasion she would say lets have sex tonight. I’d be so ready and happy. When we get to the bedroom at the end of the day she would say something like, “Let’s make this quick I’m not in the mood.” What a turn off. I try whatever I can dream of that she’ll allow to try to make her like it and she only lay like a stone and wait for me. I’ve changed the name of our sex life to consensual rape. With that thought I quit sex altogether. I myself will not any more allow a woman that kind of control over me. I think this marriage is basically over. Sad but true. I have lost all desire and attraction for her. She is a great mom, good housekeeper, truely a great woman, she doesn’t know how to relate to me. Maybe I’m to blame, if so I tried and failed to change into whatever it was she wanted. My hope for her is that she will find someone that can give her the loves she needs.

    1. Don’t give up on your marriage. You are at the crisis stage that a lot of us go through. I am on the other side of this picture. I’m a stay at home Mom married 31 years. I like to organize and have structure to my life and my kids and husband like to disorganize it. I’d like my husband to work less and spend more time with me, but he’s more random. He doesn’t plan ahead. Sometimes he just shows up early home from work and I’m in the middle of stuff. He quite often wants me to change gears and do a project with him. I would rather know ahead and go for a walk on the trail or something. Sometimes I hope for an intimate time together when we go to bed, but by the time we get there I’ve been too stressed out getting kids ready for bed all by myself that I don’t feel like it.
      We went through a series in our Sunday school class that I found helpful. It was called The Five Love Languages. At the beginning you do a little test that reveals things you like and dislike. I found out that my husband’s primary love language is “works of service” and mine is “quality time”. What this means is that he feels loved if I do things for him like serving him coffee, making a nice dinner, working in the garden with him. I feel loved if he goes for a walk with me and talks to me with no other distractions or spends time cuddling with me on the couch before going to bed. The other three love languages are: giving gifts, giving words of appreciation and physical touch. My husband’s and mine second most dominate love language is physical touch.
      A classic example of our two love languages was when I’d been trying to get my husband to go for a walk with me through these paths we have in a semi-wooded area on our property. Our boys had been mowing them and they were just breathtakingly beautiful. I’d be trying for 2-3 weeks to get him to go with me. One day he finally heard me. “Oh, you’ve been asking me that long?” He also had heard that there were still some briars sticking out in a few places, so he grabbed a pair of clippers, and we went for a walk. The whole way he’s clipping briers to make my beautiful paths better for me to walk on. (I would have liked to have just talked to him.) But because I knew his love language, I knew that he was showing me he loved me.

  51. My problem is my husband is the one that’ll be totally fine with going without sex (we’re newly weds, so the most we’ve gone without it is a whole week, but that’s still unacceptable to me) because of hectic work schedules, it’s too late in the night and one or both of us have to work the next day, he’s too tired, he’s not in the mood, etc. He tells me he loves me all the time. He’s very affectionate, and he is good to me in general. But with sex, he often turns me down or asks for a raincheck. That raincheck never gets followed through, or when he does, I always have in the back of my mind that he’s doing it as an obligation because I made such a fuss about it the day/night before. It makes me feel disconnected and insecure. He doesn’t get that… and when I communicate this concern to him he tells me to grow up, I can’t always get what I want when I want it. Well, I’ve never turned him down if he wanted sex, even if I wasn’t particularly in the mood, but once we got going I would be very much into it. Why I never deny sex is for a lot of reasons: I know that once we get started I’ll enjoy myself, I want to be close to him, and the most important reason… I feel that it is the spouse’s service/duty of love to be sexually available at all times no matter what. Why can’t he take on the same mindset? Why can’t he show me he appreciates that about me?

  52. My husband sent me the link to this article (and several of your others).
    I was given this advice before our wedding (paired with– the more you have sex, the more you will want it), and spent the first year or so of our marriage not only saying yes every time he asked, but also offering even when he didn’t. We had sex almost every day for over a year. But it did not increase my desire. In fact, I got to where I really didn’t want to have sex at all. I kept at it, but started to resent him. We had two very big things against us at the time though: 1– he was a video game addict. I felt like the only way I could even get his attention was to get naked and get between him and the screen. 2– I reacted BADLY to birth control and had a yeast infection that lasted close to 2 years. No matter how often I was medicated, he just passed it right back to me.

    He says it’s in the past (8 years in the past!) and I should get over it, but that’s our sexual foundation. That’s the period where I really gave it all I could. And it didn’t work. In the 8 years since that period, our circumstances have made sex difficult. We lived with his parents for a year and shared an wall with his dad’s computer room. Talk about awkward.

    Immediately after moving out, I got pregnant (like, the next week). Some women get really horny while pregnant. I didn’t. I’ll admit that I said no more than yes during this period. living with his parents had kinda killed all desire in me and actually caused me to flip out if we made even a little bit of noise. He liked noise, and referred to porn and how noisy they are. I felt like he would rather have sex with a porn star than me.

    We have talked about this, and he has since apologized, but it did some harm that I don’t know how to undo. He often makes requests and has some mental image of exactly what he wants, and it’s so hard to not assume it’s something he’s seen in porn.

    Even though I really didn’t want to have sex, I did still say yes at least once a week– usually twice and sometimes more. We’ve had weekends away where it was more like 5-8 times over a 3 day stretch. I WANT to say yes to him. But I have two kids who have a lot of energy, and he often pulls the stunt of asking for sex when I am falling asleep, and getting mad if I say no. I couldn’t if I tried! There are times when I give in, and I really am close to a corpse in the bed, but it’s been a while and I know he needs me.

    If this was all, I could totally take your advice and make it work. But the last year and a half has blown up in our faces. A few people have talked about frequent UTIs or yeast infections being a problem. What about bigger health issues.

    I have both ulcerative colitis and colon cancer. Colitis is painful! It doesn’t seem like it should be an issue for sex, but when your colon and rectum are so inflamed that just eating is painful, saying yes to sex isn’t so easy. The vagina is right alongside the rectum, and stimulating one, stimulates (and hurts!) the other. Last year, there were so many times when I had to run to the bathroom 2-3 times during sex. I was still saying yes– usually once or twice a week. Even though I had to grit my teeth and try not to cry. We tried taking a break from sex when the flare started, but after a few weeks, he was going nuts, so I gave it. The flare lasted 8 months, until I was diagnosed with cancer.

    On top of nearly a year of limited and very painful and therefore unrewarding sex, suddenly I was booked for surgery and he had to go 8 weeks without any sex at all. He was so anxious when I finally got the go-ahead. I tried to say yes whenever I was up for it. For a while, that was twice a week. He was still feeling the loss of nearly a year of “bad” sex and trying to make up for lost time, and I was feeling rotten and still recovering from surgery.

    On top of recovery, I was stuck with an ostomy (plastic bag of poop taped to my stomach!), which got in the way when we had sex (I’ve figured out how to deal with it since then), and made me feel incredibly unattractive. He refused to even look at if for the first few months, yet wanted me to cover it up and have sex with him anyway.

    Then we found out I needed chemotherapy. First off, sex is pretty much forbidden for 48 hours after each treatment. I was on a 48 hour pump, so that was 4 days of no sex every two weeks. On top of that, I was so sick from the drugs that I had another 3-4 days of not wanting to be touched at all (I was on all sorts of anti-nausea meds). Every treatment got worse. By the end of my 3 months of chemo, he was lucky if I was able to have sex once in a 2 week period. I wasn’t saying no because I didn’t “feel” like it, but because I was sick, and in pain. But my husband felt ignored and rejected by me.

    Eventually my doctor took me off of the drugs because they were making me so sick that I couldn’t even feed myself or walk across a room without fainting. Yet, I was still trying to be available to my husband.

    He was thrilled that I was finished treatment three months ago, and he expected life to go back to “normal” within a few weeks. I’ve been trying to get back to better health, and have been exercising, and even focusing specifically on muscles that have made many positions difficult to sustain. But recovery form chemo takes a LONG time. I am still tired a lot. I have taken over full care of our children again, so at night I am nearly as tired as I was during treatment. I’ve been trying to say yes when my only real complaint is being tired.

    I need another surgery, but I’ve been trying to put it off until the fall so we can have a few good months after the mess of the last year. Unfortunately my body has other plan. My colitis is active again and causing me so much pain that I am in the bathroom 20+ times a day. Sex is not an option. Even snuggling can cause an episode. I’m pretty much bedridden and on no-stress orders until my surgery (stress doesn’t cause the disease, but it sure does cause flares. I had gotten to 2-3 hours between episodes a few days ago, then a heated conversation about sex got me stressed out and an hour later I was in there every 5-10 minutes for the next 24 hours!!).

    I WANT to be available to him, but he reads things like this and gets his hopes up. Yes, it’s generally good advice, but not applicable to us. Especially right now. I’ve been saying yes through emotional and physical discomfort for most of our marriage, and I have not seen any positives come out of it. And because it’s standard advice (yes, we’ve heard it from LOTS of different Christian marriage resources), he feels like I am trying to hurt him when I say no because I *should* say yes. It leads to me feeling guilty and him feeling depressed.

    There are resources out there for both cancer and ostomies and sexuality, but I’ve never run across anything Christian. I would love some sort of resource for people in these sorts of difficult situations. Having never been there yourself (I’m guessing), I don’t expect you to have really good answers, but if you know of any good Christian resources, I’m all ears.

    I know that saying yes more in the past, during the few *good* years we had in the middle would have gone a long way to him trusting me now, but just like he can’t go back and undo the damage of ignoring me in our first year of marriage, I can’t go back and undo being less than available during early mommyhood. The fact of the matter is, I am currently not physically available to him, and depending on how long it takes to book my surgery, that could continue for about 3-4 more months (This surgery will have a longer recovery than the previous one because there will be more incisions, in more delicate places, and it also includes a total hysterectomy– yeah, the hormonal loss will provide LOTS of other issues on top of the actual recovery).

    We’re both desperate and it feels like our marriage is falling apart just when we need each other the most.

    1. I just read your post and feel so bad for you. You’ve really given it your best. I was just talking to an old friend of mine this last week that had colitis, and she told me that she went on a gluten free diet and it cured her of it. Have you tried anything like that? Of course she didn’t have cancer, but maybe that diet would calm your intestines.

      1. Actually, I tried a similar but even more restrictive diet last year. It helped a little, but not enough. I no longer have a colon, so what I eat doesn’t have any direct impact anymore. The issues I have now will be cured with my next surgery, but I did get on a new medication that’s calming things quite a bit, though it keeps me from sleeping!
        I’m hoping we can get back into a “normal” routine until the surgery. We’re just hoping that the hormonal impact of my hysterectomy doesn’t make things even worse! At least I won’t have to worry about getting pregnant again– I’ve heard that aspect can actually make sex more free for a lot of women. I’ve been terrified about getting pregnant ever since I started treatment.

        I wish I could say I had really give it my “best”. That’s where a lot of the fight comes in. I don’t have much to give, but often my “best” goes to something other than my husband (kids, cleaning, long overdue projects)– all legitimate places to put my effort, but not building up my marriage. Being sick seems to be such an excuse for being selfish and I’m really trying to kick that mindset.

  53. Maybe I should not comment because I am non Christian but I really really struggle to understand you and I’m trying hard here.

    Personally, I have no desire to be sexually available at all times for my partner and because we love and respect each other, that is completely fine. I always thought being a married Christian was about loving and respecting each other, too. But you all seem to be praising what I would consider some kind of marital rape. There seems to be a lack of trust, love, respect, consent, kinky sex and all those things which make relationships good.

    “Eventually my doctor took me off of the drugs because they were making me so sick that I couldn’t even feed myself or walk across a room without fainting. Yet, I was still trying to be available to my husband. ”

    This just makes me very sad.

    1. Christina,
      I wrote this post quite a while ago and have been accused of promoting rape ever since. That alone makes me beyond sad and sick to my stomach.

      The reason this idea is so offensive to people is because we are taught that even in marriage, we belong to ourselves. However, the Bible says something quite different and when we believe that two become one then we must also act accordingly. I am my husbands and he is mine. That is not the equivalent of rape. It is the understanding that marriage is much more than an exchange of vows.

      And speaking of vows–one common vow is “in sickness and health.”

      Either we mean this or we do not. When one spouse becomes ill, of course, the ideal is that the ill spouse is lovingly cared for. But does their illness excuse them of loving and caring for their spouse too?

      No, they would not be able to offer the same kind of physical love and attention, but this wife willingness and desire to be available to her husband shows a selfless and loving heart. I don’t think that, among all of the horrible things that go on in marriages, should make you sad.

      1. Don’t get me wrong, I want to make my partner happy too and maybe rape is a bit of a harsh word. sorry about that.

        I just read through a couple of your answers and you said this applies to happy and healthy marriages (e.g. in your reply to the woman with the borderline abusive husband) and in that case it might actually work.

        I think what bothers me so much is that I have been in a situation when sexual intercourse was very painful – really hurt because I had an illness which was very hard to treat. I was so lucky that my partner waited patiently and did not pressure me at all to have sex with him and we waited until I had fully recovered. I would do exactly the same for him and i have a very strong sex drive.
        I think it would have killed me if he had cared more about sexual needs than my health in this scenario. I get your point but let us agree to disagree :-)

        Oh and I just wanted to encourage all men on here to educate yourself on women’s sexuality and talk talk talk about her and your needs. I know from experience that sometimes the quality of sex can make a huge difference on how often a lady wants it. I promise you will get back more than you give :)

      2. No it doesn’t make you “sad and sick to your stomach”. You know exactly what you were doing which is PROMOTING RAPE. You are truly the most disgusting person I have eve come across on the internet. The Lord says you are responsible for what you promote, and you are promoting rape of all things! REPENT!

  54. Well, I’ve always been afraid of marriage simply because there are more and more rules being created for future weds & that sex may lose its spark. My point: I’m a man who loves sex but don’t need it all the time, but 3 or 4 times a week sounds just about right. I respect my woman and women, but once a week will not cut it. I mean when is the right time to ask a woman to have sex (While working a job, dealing with kids, cooking or cleaning). No, I don’t think so. Not that we want to but that’s why men wait to ask her at the end of a very long, tiring day because that’s really the only time she has. The majority of men truthfully can really only go for about a week without sex but if it challenged he would go longer without but he would be on edge (meaning the if a woman tried to seduce him 99.1% of the time he would fail.) I’ve been with my woman for 7yrs (Were not married but we consider ourselves to be) and when she says, “I don’t feel like it”, I respect her to the fullest but after so many time throughout the week I start to feel rejected and my emotion starts to change but I try so hard to stay focus on day-to-day issues and situations. The thought of sex pops right back up (it’s in our nature) and most of the time blocks what I’m trying to focus on. When she feels that I’m not communicating well with her or my attitude changes she wants to have sex. It’s like she feels that our healthy relationship is starting to fade away and now she wants sex (which, “I’m not going to lie,” helps me focus with everyday life situations & communicate more effectively with her.) My question, “How many times can one say, “no” or “I don’t feel like it,” within a week or 2 weeks before their partner feels on edge/rejected before he or she go and find what they need or want? Put it this way, how many times can mechanics say, “I’ll fix it tomorrow” or “I’ll get to it next week,” before you feel rejected and go on to elsewhere for services? I believe everybody gets the picture.

  55. I’ve been married 31 years. I felt unfulfilled sexually in my first 20 years of marriage. It was like I wanted it, but never found it to be what I hoped for. Then my husband reached the age of 50 and needed to spend more time at foreplay to reach a climax. It changed everything for me. I felt involved, loved, sexual, and wonderful! Now I want it more than he does. If men could only realize that taking it a little slower and getting your wife stimulated more would give such wonderful results, surely they’d start younger.

  56. I’m glad you blogged about this topic Nicole coz I would normally not feel like it reasons mostly due to work stresses and stresses of life) and just recently realised that I am to be blamed. Anyways I have started in the action to which hubby is quite surprised. Here’s my story:
    It really hurts when my husband of 7 yrs spends alot of his time after getting back from office on the internet – mostly on facebook.
    I’ve quit my job recently, hence I can see the void between us increasing and his time with FB friends ever increasing. Maybe I was too busy working before & hence didn’t notice so much. Also he has always been a workaholic and that cannot be changed. He uses FB for business marketing too and sadly joined up with a few FB female friends to get into business associates. So if I question him on this points, his answers are ready: “you always knew that I am a workaholic, I don’t have any friends, the people on my FB are not my friends they are business associates, I am working on FB and so on”. Now he’s also started saying “You don’t trust me. It seems you do not want me to talk to any females, so I’ll quit my businesses & close them and quit my job”. The final request from me was for me to have his FB password and he gave it to me after deleting the history of private messages on FB with these women, saying that if you read the lines, you misinterpret every line and that he was not ready to fight it out with me since he was sick” Am I crazy?
    My point also is that I try to move on struggling to be positive in life and ignore these things but I know that women do not monitor or correct their husband’s behaviour, they become the foolish women who turned a blind eye to things and let it continue while every1 else knows. There are days where I think, I too need to be FB friends with some hunk to give husband the message, but it’s so demeaning that I can’t do it. There are also days where I think, if I can’t control my husband anymore, I’ve got to do something on FB to the female friends. What do I do to move on positively in life. Please guide as this is a very insecure time for me.
    PS: We don’t have kids yet, he says “how will we have kids when you hardly have sex”

    1. And we don’t have kids not necessarily coz we don’t have enough sex but after coaxing & convincing him to do a semen analysis, we found out just last year that his semen analysis is very low. We need to go the urologist but I don’t know how in the world to convince him.
      Any help from any1 out there is most welcome for my life.

    2. My name is Elina, I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend we loved and cherished our selves for two years and every thing was going on smoothly but this year jan11th, we both had misunderstanding and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me, I begged him because I love him so much but he refused me.My friend told me about a spell caster that helped her in getting her relationship back a long time ago, a good job in any of his endeavor but at first I was scared but I have to give this a trial because I love him very much and I am not willing to loose him to any woman, or for anything so I ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again. All i want to say is THANK YOU Dr Daram for getting my ex back to me with much love.I am testifying to this great spell temple for the great work he has done [email protected] i am grateful.

  57. Having read all the posts on this thread, I have to say, Nicole, that your responses are amazingly insightful. And you are amazingly controlled as well when people write all kinds of things out of left field – who don’t even appear to have actually read what you wrote.

    I thought I would share a bit of my journey in this area in the hopes that it might at least give a few others some ideas how to deal with the typical situation where they want to have sex more often than we do. This all transpired over a few years, so if the condensed version makes it look like an overnight thing, it was not.

    In the early days I knocked myself out trying to please him sexually. He had a lust problem. (Well, I know now all men have a lust problem; some are fighting it and some are wallowing in it.) So it seemed to be the only way to keep his attention on me. It was not too hard to do because I like sex. Finally, he was convicted on his lust and started to take action to resist it. A couple of years later I could finally believe in the changed man he was becomming. At the same time, we had our first child. As many of you have noticed, when kids come sex takes a real dive – I was just too tired. On top of that, now that he was being mostly successful combating his lust, my old motivation to have sex with him disappeared. He was in shock because I went from his dream sex woman who initiated and did all kinds of things to wanting it just once or twice a month.

    Well, he went into research mode and discovered that in GENERAL:
    1.A woman’s interest in sex takes a huge drop about a year and a half to two years into a serious relationship, or after kids come – whichever comes first.
    2.Most women do not enjoy giving oral sex or hand-jobs.
    3. Women don’t want sex as frequently as men do, so they often do it out of duty.
    4. When we do it out of duty we want it over quickly.
    5. Most women do not find male genitals attractive.

    He told me about what he had found out and started quizing me on how I felt. I basically confirmed that everything he read was true. He asked me to be honest with him, so I told him the days of me initiating were mostly over, and that I had no interest in working on his- well, shall we call a spade a spade? – penis.I said he could always approach me, but if I was not interested he was not getting it.

    This went on for a couple of years. He went from having sex/release two to three times a week to one to three times a month. As he progressed in his journey as a Christian he started reading on servant leadership. Wat he read told him that his duty as a Christian husband to be a servant leader extended to the bedroom. He learned that if the husband puts his focus in bed on pleasing his wife rather than himself, she would more frequently consent to sex. He learned that if his wife did not want to have sex he should not push it, or make her feel bad, but to put her needs first.

    Now, for the practical parts for all of us who do not desire sex as often as our husbands. At some point during all this we talked about the male sex drive being primarily a need for release. We talked about the difference between the male need for release and making love.We talked about how he had been releasing himself, from the time he was twelve until we were married, one to three times a day. We talked about the articles that said sex is how a man expresses love, and how does one reconcile that with the other obvious aspects of male sexuality which rather indicate that simply is not the case. He read how almost all men, no matter how often they are having sex, always wish they could have it more often and in more ways than their wives want. He admitted to me that his tension is released no matter how he reaches ejaculation – sex with me or taking care of himself.

    So now, we still only have sex when we both want to, but he has learned to focus on me instead of on his release so I will say “yes” more often. He accepts that as a male he is more into my body than I am into his, so he does not ask me to “work” on him orally or manually. Also, I have never been crazy about intercourse, so he knows he needs to satisfy me in other ways.

    And for all you ladies who said you don’t like having intercourse when you are not in the mood or it is uncomfortable, he can get all the release he needs in other ways. Don’t feel like you have to have intercourse to satisfy him. Find what is least burdensome for you and do that. If you do, you will do it more often and he will be happier. Communicate with him; let him know how you feel and that this is what you are willing to do. Guys will be happy to get what they can. With two little kids I am beat by the time we go to bed, so by the time he has satisfied me I have no energy left to do anything. About half the time I will let him finish by rubbing himself on me. More often than not I am even too tired for that so I will ask him to finish himself. Most nights I am not up for anything at all, so I let him take care of himself next to the bed while I sleep, or read or talk to him. This is what we have worked out for us; not suggesting it is right for everyone, but I am suggesting that intercourse is the only way for a man to get the release he wants.

  58. Oops!

    The last line in my post below should of read:

    but I am suggesting that intercourse is NOT the only way for a man to get the release he wants.

    1. As a different male and older one in my 50’s. I will say that intercourse is the complete way for me to feel like I’m one with my wife. The hand job is not complete and only put me off temporarily till I can get intercourse to feel complete with her. I believe that the way I’m saying this is. Intercourse is where I can release most stress and feel the love for her and smell the flowers, etc. The other techniques just take the stress off till she let me have intercourse with her. Then of course, I’m already getting her up for intercourse quickly in a day or so. and she asking, AGAIN??? After several years of this, we experimented and she noted to me that I’m more loving to her by her letting me have more intercourse. I also been lasting longer between times now. Interesting…

  59. Sex IS different than the other things we don’t feel like doing but do anyway. At least with work, I get satisfaction and a rewarding sense of self worth. Doing homework, I gain the knowledge and being one step closer to my degree.

    Seeing how I just did say yes when I wanted to say NO, you’d be proud of me, and my husband is de-stressed but I’m left, Feeling like my body is used and dirty and that my self worth was pumped right out and left with a sticky mass of nasty goo.

    I feel like worthless and demeaned. And u plead for women to say Yes?

    I disagree with this article and It further penetrated the worthlessness I already feel just by trying to justify it :(

    1. Valerie,
      The fact that you associate sex with feeling dirty, worth-less, and nasty leads me to believe that perhaps you do not have a healthy view of sex overall. Having sex with your husband should not conjure up those adjectives. It should be fun, enjoyable, stress-relieving, intimate, exciting even.

      I’m not talking about rolling over and laying there like a dead fish either. Which is what many assume. What I am describing is actively choosing to participate from time to time, even when your would rather say no, so as to bless your husband and your marriage in return.

      I would ask you to perhaps pray and consider if maybe other factors, from your past maybe, have negatively influenced your view of sex, thus affecting your marriage in this area.

    2. Ever since i recieve a spell from [email protected],my bf has really been showing more concern in our relationship. He told me to stay calm and let the spell do it’s work, which indeed it did. Not even 3-4 days later, Wells called me and asked me out for a drink. He apologized to me and sincerely begged me for forgiveness and to give him another chance. I loved this man so much, I could not say no. He now treats me like a princess better than before if I may briefly add,Priest Olarewaju made a believer out of me. I wrote to him and apologized for my rudeness and lack of trust and patience. He also explained to me that magic is not like a push-button kind of thing. It sometimes takes longer than anticipated but it always works and he was right.He actually a light to me and he ca be the same to you!

    3. Nicole is what they call on the internet an “attention whore”. She is not trying to help people but to get attention for herself. She should stop blogging and go back to reliving her husbands sperm bank lest he get tired of her bullshit and dump her for someone who does it better. It couldn’t happen to a more deserving person.

  60. I personally think marriage longevity is more closely tied into sexual compatibility. To put an out there example, how can the two be compatible sexually if one person finds whips and cuffs adventurous while the other may just find leaving the light on adventurous?

    I as a man think it is more the quality of the sex which is important rather than the quantity. I need a partner that is compatible with me sexually and if that is the case lets then work on a relationship and everything after that (if that is what you wish). There is no way I could dive into a marriage without first taking a ‘test drive’.

    Nicole you sound like a confident woman sexually which is nice and seem to know a lot of stuff, but I think the one thing you don’t know intimately like us men on here do know, is how widely different, different women’s sexual drives are. They range between frigid – nympho and there is no way of really telling the type until you take that ‘test drive’. And it works both ways, I have been with nympho type women where I thought there was compatibility but she did not.

    I’m sorry to say, but an incompatible partner never saying no to sex would just not be the same as a compatible partner who initiates half the time and does still reject me for sex for whatever reason from time to time.

  61. I can relate to the”i dont feel like it”.sometimes it so hard for me to just get into it when i have had a long day with work,taking care of my kids,having to drive my husband to work& pick him up everyday.

  62. My only issue with this article is that I am that Male you for mentioned who does not like/nor want a lot of sex from my wife. 1 a week is happy for me, although my wife will literally keep me up all night unless I give it to her, which then just causes more stress.. I try caving in but in turn stress..

  63. I’d rather not provide my name since I am ashamed that my wife rejects me frequently. Let me tell you that I am attracted to my wife, and I love her, but each time she says no it is like a punch in the gut. I do things for her, help her around the house, but when I ask for sex she says “take a number” and “everyone wants something from me”. When we do have sex (once a week if I am lucky), she says no to anything but just laying there.

    As a man, let me tell you how this feels. I feel like my wife doesn’t love me, but is simply afraid of leaving. I feel like I am simply a provider for her to live off of. I absolutely do not feel like she loves me despite her protests to the contrary. I feel like I am her last priority.

    Honestly, the constant rejection is taking a toll on my marriage. This makes me very worried.

    I try to talk with her, but any time I mention the word Sex or Libido, she gets very angry and will go into passive aggressive mode. She refuses to talk about it without it turning into a major argument.

    Is there a chance that she loves me or is she deceiving herself?

    We have a daughter together that I love very much, and we’ve been married for 10 years. I hate to throw all that away and become a weekend dad.

    1. Bill,
      This breaks my heart to read. I think the rejection you feel is appropriate and understandable.

      Have you ever tried telling her how it makes you feel, not just the fact that you’d liek sex more often? Have you told her you feel ejected, unloved, unappreciated?

      One thing that might help, if she is willing to read it, is articles about the male sexual nature and what men actually need versus what wives just think they want.

      I’ve written a few of these posts and my husband write one here, as well:



      Also, Dennis Prager has a powerful series on men and sexuality that has transformed marriages. Sometimes it is easier to listen when we hear from someone outside of our marriage.


      I’ll be praying for her heart to be transformed and for her eyes to be opened to your needs.

  64. Well OK, so my name showed up anyhow- yikes. I hope my wife doesn’t read your blog or she is going to be really upset and I wont get any for a year.

    I have how media trivializes with holding sex. Did you see the new Jack-in-the-Box commercial where they are playing scrabble and he makes up a huge word, and she plays the word “nonookie”. It’s culturally expected for women to with hold sex as a torment for men. Women will never understand it, but it is a torment.

    1. Bill,
      I agree that it is a torment to husbands. More than that, I think it is a sin for a wife to withhold sex…and God will deal accordingly. The consequences of which are neither welcome nor pleasant.

  65. Bringing up issues involving sex cause anger in my wife. We tried to talk about it yesterday and of course she was very upset with me. I tried to be very calm, repeat and acknowledge her points to show her I was listening.

    Her point is that she is under many stresses in her life; having to take care of kids, and that she is drained and has nothing left for me. Me asking for sex is simply one more chore for her to add to the list.

    The fact she sees it as a chore is troubling.

    I have to say that I love your blog. Any woman who desires to be a dream wife and to make her husband very happy would by wise to study your posts! Keep it up – hopefully you can crack the sadistic mold that hollywood is building for women. A woman with your beliefs, with Christian beliefs, should be honored, treasured, and most assuredly, loved.

  66. Dear Nicole, I hope this post is still active enough that you see this and can respond. I have searched everywhere looking for answers to a problem I have felt rising in my marriage, and your post and the subsequent responses seem to be hitting all around the edges. I would love some advice. My husband and I have not been married long (4 months) and have lately been bickering constantly. Although the things we usually bicker about ARE important things to us, we are usually agreeing or mostly agreeing and yet get hung up on little silly things. Both my husband and I were devout Christians as children, and we are both working on our relationships with Christ, however we both strayed a little during our teen years (he much more than I) and both of us had been sexually active when we met. Although we knew we couldn’t take back those choices, when we met each other we both knew that we ha been mistaken and we promised to wait to have sex with each other until after marriage, and we did. I love my husband very much and we both enjoy being affectionate; however lately our sex life has been awful and has caused many large fights and I believe it is truly what’s causing the arguments I described above as well. I would like to describe some of the issues (without tmi) and get some insight because I don’t know where else to ask, this post seems to be the closest line of my thinking. So here goes:

    *although we both participated in sex outside of marriage before, and have acknowledged we wish we had waited, I find myself being disgusted at the thought of my husbands behaviour and trying to make mine seem less. Even though I KNOW this is wrong, here’s why: I had 2 partners both of which I loved and was committed to (another good reason to wait, u never know how a relationship will go) but my husband had 12. Yes, 12. Many of them weren’t even relationships and I find myself thinking this is HORRID. How could this wonderful man I love ever have been capable of this?? I know that thought isn’t rational, and I have come to terms with it to a large degree but it is my next point that makes it difficult to let go. You will see.

    *although I did come into the marriage with prior knowledge and experience, I DID waited my whole life to share myself completely, there were many things I had refused to do in prior relationships because I knew I wanted sex to be for marriage, for a relationship I could be 100% free in. I knew my sex life was a mistake. However my husband during this time of his life had no such inclinations. Many many things I had waited for (for him unknowingly!) he has done with other people. I find this makes me feel resentful.
    *After we got married, our first month together sex wise was amazing but sporadic because we still live apart. When we finally got to spend a long period of time together, I was excited because for the first time for either of us, we could experience sex as God meant us to. We would get to learn each other and love each other in a way that was so much deeper and more lasting than just a physical act…and then the comparisons started. My husband says that sex with me is different and better just because its with me, and it might sound crazy but I can tell when his physical attention comes from need or from pure love and I know he is telling the truth. HOWEVER, he has it in his mind that because he has more “experience” he is the teacher and he tries to tell me what he knows he likes and twice now without thinking he has compared specific mechanics of our sex life with past partners. It really gets to me and makes me not want to be touched. He doesn’t understand when I explain to him that I want OUR sex life, the one that God made for us, and that it SHOULD be different than anything he’s ever experienced. That nothing he’s experienced with anyone else should be relevant because it’s about us, how we connect, and blessing our marriage. He views “teaching me” as a way of taking care of me, and I can’t seem to explain to him that this makes me feel horrible and how it could be detrimentle to our marriage.

    HELP. I love my husband, and I say yes very often, in fact I myself would love if we could get back to being together 3 or 4 times a DAY. But most of the time now when we do it lacklustre, an if he wants me to do something specific I automatically jump to the conclusion that it’s because someone else did it and I get angry and lose every bit of enjoyment and refuse what he’s asked. I really want my sex life back, and I want my husband and I to understand this between each other better so he can know how to approach things and I can stop assuming the worst. It just hurts me so bad when I think about what this could be doing to our marriage when we live each other so much and we both enjoy being together intimately.

    ALSO as a side note, and a bit more graphic I apologize. When my husband quits trying to do what he thinks he’s supposed to in bed, what he has “learned” over the years, he is EXTREMELY pleasing. However when he doesn’t, I usually am not pleased, I enjoy it, but do not end satisfied. And I have found myself faking it because he won’t let himself go until I have been completely pleased. I love that he is at tentative to me and ranks my needs and desires so high, but I don’t have the heart to tell him I’ve faked it and he hasn’t caught my hints!!

    1. @kate sweetie you are looking at him all butt backwards. In fact you should be proud of him and let him know what a stud he is. Come on, the same things you enjoy about him I am sure other women do too. Do know how many women envy your predicament? What’s sad is your split mindedness. Either be into him 100 percent or don’t. If you are not all in the game, you might want to consider breaking the news and leaving the marriage. Who wants sympathy sex? No passion, No deep connection, I’d rather look at porn and pleasure myself then mercy sex. I think you made a game of it, now either suffer or enjoy or consequences it is your life after all choice wisely.

  67. My Name is Mrs. Trace, I was married to my husband for 8years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2010 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don’t longer pick up my calls and nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new girl friend till Dr.Magbu cast a spell for me,now is with me and me only.And i am happy with my family if you need his help contact on via email,[email protected]

  68. The best part of the “just say yes” philosophy is that your spouse eventually learns when not to ask or approach you because the timing is just bad (for whatever reason). Saying yes gives you both PLENTY of opportunities to get to know those “please don’t ask” signals. Also, even sex that’s not super glamorous or adventurous or romantic is STILL better than paying bills or doing dishes or watching television :)

  69. ladies before you get married — an important factor marriage to men is relaxing, frequent (weekly) sex…till death do you part; don’t marry him if you’re not willing, it’s unfair

  70. One of the commentors hit a note with me and I am replying but will not use her name to avoid possible embarrassment.

    Gen 2:23 And the man said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
    Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
    1Co 6:15 Know ye not that your bodies are members of Christ? shall I then take away the members of Christ, and make them members of a harlot? God forbid.
    1Co 6:16 Or know ye not that he that is joined to a harlot is one body? for, The twain, saith he, shall become one flesh.

    The principle these verses speak of is lost in our current “free” society. When we join ourselves to another, we bond with that person whether the sexual encounter was love or lust. That mixing of blood and spirit can never be unmixed. When my wife and I married, we did it “our way” and didn’t think much of the results.
    Years later, we knew something was not quite right but could not identify the problem. One day, the Lord spoke to my spirit about how we married our way. I confessed our error and asked God’s forgiveness and to heal our sexual life. This began a healing that improved every area of our life.
    My wife passed and I remarried, this time correctly. We each had been married and knew of potential pitfalls, and discussed the items. I knew about the bonding and wondered how this would affect our relationship. Old memories, feelings and emotions had to be addressed and managed. We also are much older and I have health issues that have diminished the sexual part. A man cannot fake sex or make it happen, so I am grateful for her patience.
    I was married 35 years and now 10 years and every part of marriage is better handled when prayer and love are involved. Thanks.

  71. Ok so this is informative but what if it has gone so long that now even I think its a problem, but now he never initiates or seems to have any interest. Hes given up. I know i feel like Ive given up a long time ago,but i dont feel sexy EVER. I feel fat even tho i am not obese, and awkward and it doesn’t do much for me anymore anyway. I usually just pretend. whats the point? Im not even 30, no kids no health problems i just dont know why this is

  72. This is way too complicated. Men if you want to have hotter more frequent sex DON”T get married. Like the poster Bill. What a Milquetoast the guy has no self respect. No spine to make the effort to move on instead complains about his sexless marriage. My brother from another mother you need to man-up grab your testicles and take care of yourself. What men need to know is never give up sexual power. Marriage IMHO is the quickest path to losing ones money, power and control over ones destiny. To borrow a famous line “Never give up and never surrender.” Once a man gets married it’s a sign he is giving up and settling for her. Once he surrenders the bank account she owns him and result is a beaten dog. Another thing only poor people need to get married to share things like a bed and roof. The only differences in my experience are my expenses go up with no appreciable gain in income due to the extra dependent on my payroll. Today, I don’t have to compromise or pass a UN resolution to get laid. When I want sex I call up one of my girlfriends and see who is available. Simple, no negotiating because if I am having to negotiate for sex it looks and smells like prostitution. If that’s the case then why pay an amateur when a pro gets the job done and leaves so I can watch Sports Center when I am done.

  73. You are completely right about everything you’ve said…I have found this to be too true in my own marriage. When he seems a little cranky, chances are he just needs to “tango”…it doesn’t fix everything, but it’s surprising sometimes how much it DOES fix! I never have a “headache”, sometimes even when I do…LOL! ♥

  74. Sound good Nicole, but we left out some important elements. For one, you absolutely have to address the reason many women don’t feel like sex. There are various reasons such as pre menopause where a woman’s estrogen levels are down, where her hormones are imbalanced, women with fibroids. Remedies to these issues are not one dimensional or simply fixed. You mentioned some men need sex as a stress release. You think a woman’s job is to release stress like a machine? Why would a man continue to want sex even when it’s painful to a woman? In many instances, women are willing to have sex, just not at the pace a man “wants” it. I believe the “need” it is imply psychological. Many men are able to program their minds during a woman’s period to not “need” sex. Why can they program it when they don’t like bloody sex, but at no other time can they program it? Men need to grow up and stop this long habit that they and society have programmed them of. At what point does a man who “wants” sex think about his wife and her position? Why can’t she have what she wants which is not to have a penis thrusting into her vagina that may now have thin walls due to pre menopause? There is no way I would try to force or make my husband do something he just didn’t feel up to; especially if it caused pain. Men need to educate themselves. Another important issue is some men saying women presented themselves, or more specifically their sex drive one way before marriage but another afterwards. Well, I loved sex and could have it at the drop of a dime before marriage, but when I met my husband he had so many personal issue that took up my time and energy that I’m wore out now. Let’s not leave out the menopause. If my life was as simple as it was before marraige and as organized it would be different. Just as men are stressed from their daily work, women are too, and to be tired, stressed, and have a sensitive vagina due to menopause, and then have some man wanting to thrust a huge penis into your fragile vagina is just too damn much! Men should grow up, get some respect, learn to masturbate more and reprogram themselves. Stop being so greedy and selfish!

  75. After reading through all of the comments, you’ve gotten applause and rotten tomatoes. The thing that compels me to speak is your reference to sex as chores. If it was a mundane thing like bills or vacuuming, then why not hire an accountant or maid? Exactly, sex is different and it’s the RELATIONSHIP that makes it important. And, I’m sorry as non Christian (deemed by REAL Christians) how can you argue that men require sex? Maybe you don’t count Catholics as Christian (not sure what variety of religion you subscribe to), but they are commanded not to have sex, just like any non married man. I find this post quite disturbing, especially in a country where the REPORTED number of rapes is around 1 in 6. I saw in the comments you attempted to separate rape from “just saying yes” (legitimizing spousal rape), but for me, both tell the victim that her feelings, thoughts, wishes do not matter (because she’s being coy, selfish, lazy). I’m quite disturbed by your proposition but it seems to work for some.

    1. I should clarify I meant I was a non Christian, not you, modern reject blogger, my apologies for the poor phrasing,mobile phone screen typing leads to poor writing on my part.

  76. I know this is an old post, but – I just came across it, and I must say, I’m a little appalled by it.

    1. Sex is not akin to paying the bills. You will not be thrown on the street for not having sex. Not having sex will not cause your family to lose food and shelter.

    2. Your characterization of sex as a physiological need seems hypocritical. You state in one of your comments to this post that ‘before marriage’ is not the proper place for sex. There is nothing about marriage that changes you PHYSIOLOGICALLY, and so, if sex were a physiological need for men, they would possess the same need prior to marriage and need it fulfilled before then as well.

    Have I ever said yes to sex out of obligation? Yes, I have, and it makes my husband feel terrible. He feels dirty afterwards, and would prefer mutually desired sex less often, rather than obligation-sex every day.

    I am a Catholic, born and raised, and yet I can’t see how as a person of faith, this way of thinking is justified.

    I feel that this was of thinking only proliferates a vicious cycle. Telling women that they should have sex because it is an obligation influences them to continue to perceive it that way – and consequently, to desire it less, and to enjoy it less. Why make something that is supposed to be an expression of love into something downright unpleasant by turning it into a household chore?

    1. At least you have morals and common sense, two things this blogger is in dire need of. What apathetic excuse for a “woman”. I wouldn’t be surprised if she isn’t just some porn whore faking the “Christian” angle for clicks.

  77. We have some lingo for this in our marriage, we call it “taking one for the team”. We have recognized that our sex drives might not always be equal or in sync and that is is OK to ask your spouse to “take on for the team” We are a team, and believe that sexual frustration is a stumbling block that can hopefully be avoided in the context of a healthy christian marriage.

    Having some common lanquage has given us a way to talk about this more often and in a much more honest and upfront way. Subsequently, we understand each other cues much better and overall the quality and quanity of our sex life has improved. Saying “yes’ more often has strenghtened the covenant that binds us together.

  78. GIRL! I know that’s right. Now, I am co-signing with you in thought only. I am SUPER guilty of the not in the mood feelings and pushing my hubby off quite too often. Let’s just say I thank the Lord for a loving and patient husband but he still deserves more from me in this area.

    There are times that I have has sex with my husband even when I didn’t feel like it and afterwards I am always like, “Why in the world would I NOT be in the mood for this??!!” LOL!!!!!

    I really appreciate how candid you are in this area.

  79. I really wish we didn’t continue the lie that if a man doesn’t want sex, it’s rare (this isn’t a personal comment about you, Nicole, it’s a general statement about culture). It would have made my 2 years (and counting) of marriage far less of a slap in the face/kick in the gut when I got the “rare” guy who never. ever. wants it. And in the 2 years I’ve walked this path I’ve found it’s way more common than any of us ever thought, and for obvious reasons no one ever talks about it. Well I’m the fool that will talk about it. It’s common and if you are a wife, like me, reading this great post and thinking “but I do want it, he doesn’t”…. just let me tell you that you are not alone.

  80. i just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for 6 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost?then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster?so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things? then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man, his email address [email protected], his spells is for a better life. again his email is [email protected]

  81. This makes perfect sense. Have I been practicing it? No. Will I start to? Yes. But here’s the scenario in my life that causes a bit of a problem…my husband is the one that wants everything to be ultra romantic, deep, long stares into each others eyes, fireworks going off — which is great…don’t get me wrong — but I’m the type of girl who sometimes just wants to “get ‘er done”…and that can be just as great! Hubby feels unloved when the rocket’s red flare is missing.

  82. I know this is an old post but am just recently aware of the “Modern Reject.” I just had to log my thoughts here from a pastor who is happily married to a godly woman who understands this view point. In no way do I think that these thoughts are conclusive to marriage in general because we all bring baggage into the relationship. However, this will speak to those with the same general background as mine.

    I view sex as the spiritual joining of the man and woman as one. Marriage in scripture is never conveyed as simply a legal contract where two want to be partners in life but rather two completing each other to make a whole. That “oneness” happens on all levels, not just sex, but sex is probably the most fun! (I’m a guy, just saying.) It reflects the nature of relationship between God and His creation. We are never whole without Him and at the sake of sounding sac-religious He is longing for us, pursuing us. When I see (biblically) how He seeks communion with me I discover how to connect with my wife. I like to study my bride…know how she ticks. Not so that I can manipulate her but so that I can be the hero that the little girl in her dreamed about (let’s face it we don’t ride white steeds, wear mail, and carry swords anymore).

    It disturbs me to read about us men “asking” for sex. We undermine the sexual prowess of our masculinity and that in itself harms the emotional response…women (I think) don’t want to surrender sex like a popsicle to a nagging kid. Find the language that touches the God made longing for a masculine figure in her heart and draw it out. I think you’ll find it doesn’t, necessarily, require ripped abs, an oversized male organ, or the stamina to “do it all night long.” In the couples that I have talked to I find, though not in every instance but most of the time, the problems that they are experiencing in marriage are a result of ceasing to romance each other…He isn’t pursuing and she isn’t leading him on. I know there are practical complications such as jobs, kids, etc. But when we were dating we ensured that heaven and earth moved for each other. Love really happens when you don’t “feel like it” the rest is emotional hype but those sacrificial moments are what makes the rest so blissful…

    Thank you for this post Nicole. We need some modern-day women speaking life into a culture out of balance with it’s sexual roles!

    All this from a guy that, from time to time, gives the gift of sexual intimacy to his wife when he doesn’t exactly feel into it…it pays off.

  83. Disgusting. No, no matter what a woman’s religion is, she should be the sole lady over her body, the only person making decisions about her bodily activities. I believe in autonomy and I’ll never believe men’s rights are above it. I will never be anyone’s property, I will never marry and I’d rather spend all night barefoot on snow than have sex. Ever.
    Please, just recognize that some people don’t like and don’t need sex. Yes, also some men. Sex is extremely hyped and all this hype prevents some people from admitting they’d rather be doing something else.

  84. Yeah, I tried this for awhile, but it didn’t work for our marriage. I was always giving and he was always taking. I said “yes” nearly every time that I didn’t feel like it. He asked numerous times a day, never giving me a chance to even think about wanting it. He asked when I was sick or tired in my pregnancy, asked when I was put on bed rest, asked for “help” when I was put on no-sex bed rest, asked when I was recuperating from a terrible birth, and asked himself right into a ruined marriage. Sex, sex, sex, sex…….until I hate the word and thought of it. I only ended up here because I am absolutely astonished to see all of the sites dedicated to “why women have to satisfy their men no matter what and out of duty”. Only the feminist sites seem to have what I need, and I’m no true feminist.
    I used to really enjoy sex before I married someone who begs for it at every opportunity. Now the ball is in my court, finally. No thanks to articles like this one. Attitudes like this are the reason I left the church. I’m hearing “yes, it may sound like I’m condoning rape in a marriage, but I’m not because it’s in the Bible”. Actually reading the Bible, put me off the Bible. All of my years being raised as a Christian, I was taught that sex was this horrible thing. It’s always so contradictory. Don’t have the sex that you want to before marriage, but have the sex that you don’t want to after marriage. If sex is a “need” for men, then why didn’t they need it up until they got married? I’m hearing that marriage is about fulfilling your husband’s needs, even if he doesn’t fulfill yours.
    I’m glad my husband sees what a disgusting pig he was. He wants to save our marriage, so he’s giving me all the time that I need to heal from this terrible advice. I hope it’s not too late. I said “yes” because I loved him and wanted to make him happy, but he didn’t show the same respect for me. I see that now.
    He’s already been told to just seek sex outside of this marriage because I finally see that I’m not here to be a personal sex doll. I’m actually a human being with feelings and wants too. Can you believe that? When my husband stopped being able to perform well in bed, it didn’t make me want to sleep with other, more satisfying men. It sure made my dreams more fun though. It didn’t because my husband is more to me than just a way to get off anytime I feel like it. Why do some men think it’s okay to go outside of the marriage if their women aren’t performing? I think men sometimes forget how hard it is to get quality sex when they’re single and just average. I’m sure if he went outside of the marriage, he’d find sex a lot less available there than if he just waited until I was actually wanting it too.
    I still feel “guilty” about not having sex with my husband. That’s why I end up on these sites with the same bad advice. Advice that can turn women off of men, if they follow through. It may take a divorce to get over my guilt. If that’s the case, I will never have another long term relationship again. The pressure and guilt is just not worth it. I finally stopped equating the worth of my marriage with how much sex I was giving my husband. I stopped worrying that if I don’t give it to him, he’ll find someone else that will. If he waits, I’ll know that my marriage was worth it and we might have a chance at a long, happy life together. If he doesn’t wait, I won’t blame him and will chalk it up to a mismatch.
    Good luck to everyone who says “yes” anytime their husband wants it and they don’t feel like it. I hope it works for you, but I’m here to prove that it doesn’t always work. Sometimes it can backfire brutally. Sex is supposed to be consensual…not coerced…not a chore…not a duty.
    If you find your wife isn’t interested in sex anymore, maybe it’s something you’ve done or aren’t doing. Do you really help out around the house and with the children? Do you ever give her a chance to want sex without asking her for it? Do you constantly make stupid decisions that negatively affect the family? Do you get sex a couple times a week but feel that is not enough? Are you neglectful or abusive to your wife? Are you too busy for your family?
    I don’t feel sorry for men that answer “yes” to these questions. I do feel sorry for the ones that do all the right things, but their wives still never want to have sex with them. If your wife’s love, support, actions, and personality are not enough for you and you need regular sex to be happy, maybe you really should move on. I guess you can suck it up and wait for that reward in heaven, but I personally believe I have one life here, and I am going to live mine as happy and as guilt-free as possible.

    1. I totally agree, 110%.

      The author of this blog seems not to realize that for ANY sex to be truly consensual, both participants must feel totally free to say no. Pressuring women to have sex more frequently than they want to, or in ways (oral, anal, etc.) they don’t want to, or under circumstances they don’t want to (in public, video taped, handcuffed, etc.) because of unsubstantiated claims about the differences between the genders (“But men NEED it!!”) undermines a woman’s sense that she is truly free to say no. Using the Bible to legitimize such pressure is immoral and disgusting.

      If married women are not having sex frequently enough for their husbands’ preferences, then it’s up to husbands to think about whether their wives are having a hard time feeling like sexual beings, rather than mommies, house-cleaners, and food-cookers. Understand, too, that when a woman is in close physical contact with her children all day, what SHE NEEDS is some physical solitude. There is absolutely no reason that a woman’s needs ought to come behind a man’s.

      Human sexuality is complicated. It’s not equally important to everyone. As Nowhere Girl mentions above, not everyone thinks an orgasm is the pinnacle of human experience. After all, if your spouse were suddenly paralyzed and no longer able to participate in sexual activity, you could still have a very fulfilling life and marriage.

  85. What of the men that do not want sex? I was married to someone that did not want sex and I was the one who wanted it. Sometimes it was twice a month.

  86. Wow. Lots of comments on this one. Ah! Can’t get through them all. :)
    I hopped over to your blog via Rachel Held Evan’s Superlatives.
    I listen to Dennis Prager. And, I used to believe this simplified version of sex in marriage. I don’t see it quite this way anymore. For a number of reasons.
    I tend to believe that we are too quick to believe that women don’t like sex very much. But does this really have to be true? I wonder if there are reasons underneath that may be neglected if we take the simplified attitude of “just do it”. I say to husbands, if your wife doesn’t like having sex, it is not because she is a woman. There is a different reason. And, don’t neglect your wife but not delving into those issues.
    If there is an issue between the husband and wife, it should be brought to the table & dealt with. A hurt wife should not just bite her tongue and have sex. I think this can build a wall of bitterness, don’t you?
    This is not to say that sex should be neglected. We get it on more often that Dennis recommends. ;) But we view it as a coming together in love, keeping short accounts and keeping bitterness out of our relationship, being real with each other. We don’t view it as a man’s physical need. (Although I get that aspect for both sexes. In truth it is a stress relief to me, too. Ladies, do you not agree?!) It is a need for our union. It is a gift to our marriage. Not just a thing for the man, that the woman needs to give to. This is ours.
    I heard someone (Jonalyn Fincher, I think) say that sex is the meat and potatoes of marriage, and the champagne and caviar of marriage. I loved that picture. I could not agree more.
    ANYWAY. I didn’t get more than half way through the comments. You may have touched on some of these things already.
    I’ve blogged on some of this sex issues, too, if you care to pop over.
    Happy New Year! I’ll be looking around your place some more.

  87. I have been married now for 16 years with happiness and love till Oct. 2012 last year everything turned upside down just because of my husband suspect me of cheating, he went out he was going out with another woman. But actually, i was never cheating. there is a man i use to know before i got married, because he is always coming around, my husband says we have something in common. This brought my marriage to a breakdown, I was devastated with no help from anywhere, my husband goes out and comes late at night and when i ask he yell at me like a common woman. I was emotionally, and verbally abusive.everyday i pray for a better day but things goes worse that my husband was filing for a divorce. A faithful day i cried to a friend’s house because the pains were too much to bear. she talked me out and referred me to a woman who do spell online who could help. the spell lady email is [email protected], she said the lady helped her few weeks ago with when fiance was misbehaving. So i contacted this spell lady and put all my trust and hope into it. To my greatest surprise, her spell worked under 2days, Because my husband came to meet me in my office crying for forgiveness for not trusting me. It looks like a movie to see my husband back to normal so fast. He canceled the divorce. Priestess is a goddess with her spell casting. I trust her fully. My happiness today is because of her

  88. I find this to be a disgusting article. Sex doesn’t make or break your marriage and it’s sad that women have to feel that way. Men don’t NEED sex. My husband is proof of that. We just had our first child and I had a 3rd degree tear and I was breastfeeding: the ultimate turn off. I was in so much pain and wanted nothing to do with sex. I felt bad so I did what you said; I just did it. I screwed my hubby regularly and you know what? I was freakin MISERABLE. It depressed me, I felt used and cheap. I sat my husband down and talked to him and he understood and without any words of protest he took care of himself with the hands God gave him. He isn’t feeling unloved or sad about it. He respects me and THAT makes a healthy relationship.
    This article is complete garbage and I do find it misogynistic- you are saying have sex because if not your hubby will feel unloved. Not everyone feels great after getting their rocks off especially if they didn’t want it in the first place. That is borderline emotional rape in my opinion. There are plenty other ways to be intimate that on’t involve sex.

  89. I have been married 23 years, and love my husband dearly. However, over the last few years, I have lost all interest in sex. I never had a strong interest anyway, but what I had is long gone. I have seen doctors, function medicine doctors, you name it. They simply say it is just fatigue or peri-menopause or something like that.

    I can reach orgasm, and he usually insists I do, usually before him. However, even during it, I just don’t want to have it. The thought that if I am ready to reach orgasm, at least it means that he can then get his release and it will be done crosses my mind. He can’t understand why I don’t want it, and I can’t understand why he wants it so much.

    There are a couple things I would like to address. Me don’t “need” sex. If so, priests would die in a few weeks. They want sex because they have a physical reaction called excitement and it makes them want to. Women don’t need it, either. It is the same for them, if they are the women who have a sex drive.

    In response to the statement that we do things all day we don’t want to do so why should sex be any different? I can’t even understand that statement. The difference is that those are things you have to do, you can’t get out of them and they are for others. Your spouse should be the one person who would understand and not force you to do one more thing you don’t want to.

    You said we should just do it, even if we don’t want to. Well, I give him sex at least 4 times a week, usually more, and I don’t enjoy it more, it doesn’t make it better, and it doesn’t make our marriage more fulfilling. It is sad to me that you are trying to give the impression that sex is what makes marriage fulfilled. So basically, as one commenter said, we are expected to lie about it, tell them we love it, and initiate it often? How is that fair to us?

    Another thing that you said seems to bother me. You said that sex is a stress reliever for men (that part is true) and that it is how they feel loved by their spouse? By that logic, men feel loved during every one night stand they have ever had before their marriage (or during it if they have strayed). So, you are saying they equate sex and love. If that is so, why don’t they marry that first girl they ever had sex with? Also, the tension that is relieved is tension they built up during the act itself. Doesn’t that make it come out a wash?

    Men can, and do, satisfy themselves when the urge arises and a woman is not there or not willing. That releases stress, so they have an option if their wife is to tired or not interested. I have the same option, but I never exercise it, because I don’t want or need it. So, it is back to giving in to him several times a week, wishing I didn’t have to, and feeling really used by the whole thing.

    Carrington said it turns from I don’t feel like it to “wow that felt good”. It is still in the “I didn’t really want to” stage after we are intimate. Nicole said she wishes that her household chores turned into a blissful experience, inferring that her intimacy turns blissful. Can’t say I have ever had that experience. I view the sexual aspect of a relationship much like a roller coaster at my favorite amusement park. You stand in line for 45 minutes, board the ride, take a few minutes to get to the top (where you know you are gonna drop next) and then you get 10-15 seconds of “thrill” (which is nothing more than a series of muscle contractions from stimulation of nerve endings). It can be sort of fun once in a great while, but on a regular basis, I’d rather have a bubble bath.

    When we first got married, I thought sex would always be the same, that it would be exciting for at least a little while, and I would want to have it. Over the years, I realized that, no matter if you do it while at a hotel together, in your room, parked in a cornfield, or on the side of a deserted road, it is still just sex. I get more pleasure out of dancing together, holding hands, laughing at movies together, or taking walks in the park with the kids that are still living at home.

    This, of course, is just my take on the whole thing, and not everyone’s. For those of you who do have a sex drive and interest for it, I wish you the best. For those of you who are not feeling the need for it anymore, I understand and am there myself.

    1. Beautifully written. You are so much more mature and honest than the pathetic excuse for a “woman” that wrote this immature tripe blog. If she really is female, her “day of reckoning” will come and she will eat these words. The Lord has ways of humbling proud sinners who encourage the abuse of God’s temple (women’s bodies). For shame.

  90. You could’nt have said it better,I realy think women should do sex even when they don’t feel like doing it.rather than saying no to your husband say yes baby cause when you’re done with it you realy get that wow that was realy great honey,then you feel like that 1st round didn’t end :-)

  91. I think that what you are saying isn’t practical. I have actually practiced this in the past and it was actually worse than not having any sex. My husband knew I was doing it just to please him, he knew I wasn’t really into it I just did it for him. You are not realising that men have feelings too and men don’t want to treat their wife’s or partners like a peice of meat come on men are not that primitive. My husband rejection got even worse as he sensed that I didn’t really want to do it and eventually he stopped asking for it all together. You are playing a very dangerous game, as if sex in a marriage sometimes has enough problems to deal with trust me doing this can actually make it worse

  92. My husband is one of that rare breed you mention. He hardly ever feels like sex and I often do. Are there any men out there writing blogs advising guys to have sex even when they don’t want to because their wives need it? We have been married 14 years, have 3 children, are in good health and love each other very much.

  93. I am a man, and I can tell you that what makes me the feel the most loved is when (if) wife initiates sex. We do not have sex that often, but when we do, I always have to initiate and then get it started by usually giving a long massage. I love my wife and love making her feel good. I don’t mind having to “earn” sex most of the time. But I work hard, I am involved with our kids, I cook dinner, I compliment and love my wife, and I think overall a good husband; I would just like to feel appreciated by having my wife want to give me sex as a way to say thanks, even only a couple of times a year. Our marriage has been drifting lately and wife suggested counselling. It was difficult (since men are not good at talking about feelings) but I confessed to my wife my sexual disappointment and explained my desire. The next couple months she did initiate sex a few times and it was great. It made me feel better and wanted me to initiate sex more and our marriage was great. But now my wife has stopped. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she thinks there must be something else…that it could not be as simple as a sexual problem. But it is. I love my kids and my family, but there is a lot of temptation for men out there. We see single men going out drinking and having fun, talking about sexual conquests. Unlike women, men are not as predisposed to wanting or needing a committed relationship. We are a little envious of the single men. But I (we) choose to be monogomous, we choose to read to our kids before bedtime instead of going partying, we choose to work hard at our job so our family is well provided for. And all I want is my wife to put on something sexy every couple months and make me feel loved. But I cannot get it.

  94. I don’t agree or disagree. I say, go for sex all the time if that’s what you BOTH decide on and it doesn’t interfere with your other God-given responsibilities. But I will warn women and men not to ever have sex expecting anything in return because you will almost always be disappointed. If you do it this way, be prepared to just do it, no strings attached.

    If I say yes all the time or no is none of anyone else’s business except mine, my husband’s and God’s. I’m quite put off by Christians who keep waltzing about acting like they are “hot Christians”. Trust me, one hundred fifty years ago, there were some very unattractive (to us these days) Christian men and women doing it and not telling anybody about it or any of the details. . . they didn’t brag, flaunt or think they had to send the message “sex ain’t dirty and God wants you to do it.” And many of them managed to avoid divorce and to have like 15 kids while managing the farm. We are freakin’ wimpy, us modern day Christians. It’s like we think we have to keep talking about sex in order to prove that we are cool or something

    Sometimes the people who talk the most about certain subjects have hang-ups and may be the people with the most problems in that area. The more people talk about sex, the more it turns young people away. I think they are sick (as am I, a middle aged person) of hearing about sex.

    This isn’t the mission of the church, unless we’ve become the sex church now. Yeah, God wants us to enjoy it, but we’ll understand a whole lot more if we read that out of our Bibles instead of listening to a bunch of culturally-influenced hullabaloo who are trying hard to be relevant.

    I grew up in a very conservative Christian home, and the truth is. . . I never thought sex was dirty. You people running your mouths about it and the way you like to have it, etc. gross me out more than anything. You’re making it dirty. It’s sacred and it’s secret. Do it the way God wants you to do it (everything you need to know is in the Bible), and it’s nobody else’s business. Sometimes the more you talk about something, the more people try to compare themselves to each other. We’re all different.

  95. I wish my wife would have read this.. we have not had sex in 3 years before I was the one wanting to have it and know I am the point that even thinking about having sex with her kills my erection and motivation to do it. I did talk to her about it once but this got on her nerves ( I was very respectful of her unease about sexual topics ). I have never cheated on her and I love her with all my soul but I also hate her with that same soul. She has 2 months till she finish’s up with school and then we are having a major talk. Either 2 things are going to happen. I want a GF on the side or a Divorce.

  96. Am so glad to have this opportunity to speak joyfully again, i am from usa, am 34years old. since June 4th 2010, the relationship between i and my husband was stumbling, i never knew he was seeing another another outside. my beloved Nelson Lucas, whom i loved was being taken away from me gradually. my husband send me a letter through our magistrate lawyer, when i go through guess what he, seeks for divorce and i was calling his cell phone and it wasn’t going through then i cried all through the night. three days later he came to the house well drunk so i help him to the bathroom to take his bath but he couldn’t so i came to the dinning with him and we ate together , after few minutes went to the bedroom and we slept. the next morning when he woke up the anger in him increased all because he found his self mistakenly slept with me, after making all this troubles, he left and my tears and sorrows increased. 3months later, i went away because i couldn’t bear all what i was passing through. until one day, when i was in my office my college came to me and told me about how her own friend also got his marital solution and after she contacted me to her friend, and her friend who was also nice to me help me to a spell caster were i got the solutions to my problems.there was this great spell caster known for good, whose name was Dr.Omonigho according to him he said he inherited this spirit of spell casting from his grandfather, he also said that it was a generational inheritance. i contacted him to help me to restore my marriage with Nelson that’s all, behold he brought him back to me, and also help me to get babes, when i was pregnant, i never knew of it becos Doctor said i can no longer give birth that i have climes the stage of mono-pus.Dr.Omonigho help me to get back my husband 1year and 8months after break up, and also helped me to give birth to a set of twins 4months ago. so now i and my beloved husband are happily together forever with a set of twins, a girl and a boy. dnt hessitatee to contact him now, he can help you in any problem you are facing. [email protected]

  97. Hello every one here, I found a great spell caster on line who helped me to get back my husband who has left me for pass 6months. we where married for 5 years without a child and my friend introduce me to a real spell caster named Dr. Abu which I never believe it exist but after the meeting of this spell caster my problem where solved and now I am with my husband who left me for the past three months, my life and my entire family are now happy, now I’m pregnant with the help of this great spell caster. Thanks to Dr. Abu, I will advice anyone in need of help to contact him with this [email protected]

  98. I agree on a limited basis. Sometimes, in a married relationship, it’s actually good for a woman to agree to sex even if she’s not exactly “in the mood”. As women, the more stressed out and over scheduled we become, the more we tend to take on… as a way of trying to gain control. Take the time to be intimate with your hubby- presumably someone who cares deeply for you and wants the best for you- is not only good for him and the marriage, but it also offers a “reboot” for the wife. A chance to get out of her own head, have permission to step away from the “To Do” list and just enjoy “a little less talk and a lot more action”.
    However, your article glossed over the importance of the husband to see to it that that needs of his wife are met also. Women cannot just turn it on an off like men do. Many expressions to that effect come to mind: Men are like microwaves, women are like crock pots is one that come to mind.. A man who’s idea of getting his wife in the mood is taking a shower and waving his privates at her (yes, my husband has tried that) is setting himself up for failure at the get go. Women need to connect emotionally to their husbands before they really warm up to the idea of sex. That requires a little effort on the part of the husband. I’m not talking about flowers and candles and all that crap… although it’s nice… I’m talking about taking an interest in her day, listening while she vents without trying to “fix” everything, giving her a backrub now and then without even hinting at sex, offering to do the dishes and put the kids to be while she takes a bubble bath… again, with no strings attached…Giving your wife what she wants most- time and attention- will help her to unwind and remember what a great guy she married and begin to think of you that way instead of as just another thing on her “to do” list.
    Guys, being married to a woman is like riding a roller coaster… it’s a thrill of twists and turns… each one unexpected… sometimes it is a real turn on, sometimes it makes you a little sick…and sometimes all you can do is hold on and scream… but it’s probably never dull.

  99. just want to share my experience with the world on how I got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 6years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me because I love him so much and don’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house because it was a rented apartment and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly because I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience because I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email him through his email address; [email protected] rose

  100. Nicole, girl keep doing what you’re doing. Everyone wont be able to receive your message, but thats ok. Everyone wont receive Christ neither. But for those who have an ear to hear, hear what Christ is saying…God Bless You Woman of God!!!!

  101. My fiancé and I used to have sex every weekend cause we didn’t live with each other and we lived far from each other now that we live together sex has gone down the tubes. She never wants to have sex anymore and it’s starting to take a toll on me. A lot crosses my mind cause I never was with anyone who always said no. There are times when we do it and during our encounter she would say “hurry up” or just stop and say ” your taking too long” and I feel terrible. To me it makes me feel like she doesn’t love me or not attracted to me or she is getting it somewhere else. Now grant it when we have sex and she is in the mood which isn’t often it’s great but that comes maybe every ten days. There are times when I say I’m in the mood and she would turn around and say ” your on your own and close the door”. Before me she was in a marriage where her husband cheated on her constantly and I sometimes wonder if she was the same way with him but we spoke about our past marriage and she always told me she never denied her man sex but its ironic that she does with me. I know sex isn’t everything in a relationship but I think it’s a big part cause of what you both share with one another. She says I always want it and actually started writing down when we had sex so she can show me. It’s something that I think would bother anyone from either side. Being treated like this is something I don’t wish anyone should go through and maybe I did it to myself telling her she is the girl of my dreams which she is and maybe she knows how I feel about her and she don’t think she has to do anything. I’m not the one to cheat I done that when I was younger now 43 and I wouldn’t want it done to me cause I know how it feels but there are times when it does cross my mind not that I intend to do it but for that to enter my mind it somewhat bothers me. We talked about it we fought about it but nothing has really changed and I am worried cause we plan on buying a house soon and I really wonder what’s our relationship going to be like a year from now. I’m good to her I never treated any woman like I treat her before me comes her and I do what I can to make her life a little easier. I think it’s so important to make ur spouse feel loved and wanted. There is nothing better then having your woman come on to you and be attracted to you and last but not least want you. It’s sad.

  102. Thanks to this great man of spirit called Dr Samura which I don’t know how to thank him for the good work he has Don for me and family which I want to share my testimony with to you all so I was married to Hassan Moel and my name is Julie deshields for six years now he left me with two kids with know reason which I don’t know what to do.so one day i was in my friends place when I exposed my pain to her about my depression which I have be looking for who to help me out of it then my friend called me closer to her self telling me on how she got this great man of spirit who helped her found her way to get her husband back then I ask of his contact she quickly go and get her computer and gave me his Email ID and his number so,that is how I contacted him for a help. And now am so happy with my family and with a happy home if you are in such pain kindly Via Email [email protected] or call +2347030410643 have faith in him and he will help you
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  104. Sex really does matter to a guy. It isn’t just about feeling good for the moment, it’s how we feel attractive and wanted. Unfortunately, once it becomes an issue in a marriage, it no longer feels natural (like it once did). At that point it feels more like a gift for mowing the lawn or paying the bills— not at all what I thought marriage was about.

  105. I agree with this post, but heres a question, although u would like to keep ur hubby satisfied, how does a women go about that when each time she has intercourse, she is overwhelmed with pain from the cysts she has. pretty easy for people to say that when they must not go through the same. and dr.s dont know why! #easier said than done

    1. First, seek medical attention for your condition.
      Second, there is more than one way to satisfy a man sexually that doesn’t involve your lady parts.

  106. I think it is unfair for people to accuse you of encouraging rape, you clearly are not and do accept the right to say no. That being said the problem with over simplification is all the people that you cannot encompass. I myself was raped as an 8 year old and have been molested and had several other inappropriate encounters in my life.

    The idea of having sex when I don’t feel like it starts churning my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.And that is just too THINK about it, if I actually DO have sex when I am not in the mood I feel disgusting, sick and I often vomit.
    There are many comments here about how women need to separate sex from emotions… That is bollocks.you feel emotions for a very real and specific reason, learning to ignore them is not positive.

    Why should my husband’s needs trump my own?

    My body IS mine, regardless of what religious texts say, which are hard for me to take seriously anyway since some texts talk about a woman not being raped if she was in a city as she should have cried out and thusly would have been heard.

    I clearly am not religious, though I once was and try always to be respectful of the beliefs of others.

    I accept that my decision to say yes only when it feels right to me may affect my husband, I wish it were different but it is not. I am lucky in that my husband is one of my best friends and very understanding, we communicate openly and he knows that he can talk to me about his feelings. I don’t TRY to deny him and often choose to do things for and with him in life that are not of my preference, but sex is not one of them. Sex, to me, will NEVER be comparable to a phone call I don’t want to return or a job I can take for the team, it is a mutual pleasure that we both feel like or it is a solo hell.

    1. Actally your body is NOT your own. It’s bought with a price. It’s Christ’s. 1 Cor. 6:20. I mean if you want to deny your faith, that’s fine, but it’s just absolutely not true. Your body was given to you by our Heavenly Father, Christ then atoned and died for you and your body and PAID for it to be resurrected after you die so you can keep it forever. It’s a gift to you, you do not own it, you were given it. You did absolutely nothing to earn your body. And in return, I believe God gave you a Husband to bless his life, just as he is to bless your life. Part of that is through sexual fulfillment. Selfishness is the root of unhappiness. Using your body selfishly is only going to promote unhappiness in your marriage. You are to become ONE FLESH with your husband, not once, not twice, not just to have kids, but frequent and fulfilling sex. Many men and women aren’t willing to put the effort needed to make a mutually fulfilling and successful sex life. Part of that is for a man to be patient, sensitive and tender with his wife taking his time and learning her body, the other part is for the woman to be accessible and enthusiastic about sex with her man and learning the desires of his heart. Sex is an outward expression of inward feelings. However, feelings alone dictating the action of sex is much like a man withholding affection and support to a wife until she “earns” it in his eyes.

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  110. Totally agree – Dennis Prager has been a huge help to my husband and I as we talk about sex in our marriage. Another thing he said that was helpful, “The last thing on her mind is the first thing on his.”

  111. I think being religious or not affects your view of this issue. I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness; now I’m agnostic. I got married for all the wrong reasons. My husband has always wanted sex more than I. When I was pregnant with our son and very ill he was so unreasonable and demanding. Saying I looked good on my knees when I was vomiting, or asking if my mouth was tired when I suffered from severe anemia. Over a year after his birth I can’t overcome the resentment. It’s him that is keeping me married. I gave in even when I didn’t want to but contrary to what you are advising, it made me angrier and more resentful. This approach simply doesn’t work for everyone.

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    1. My advice to my fellow men is to realize there is never enough you can do to please your wife or girl friend, it will never be enough and the sex will not come even if she seems happy. The best way around it is to have a serious talk with her and get her to do a deal with you. Get her to submit to your needs and in turn you attend to hers.

      This will sound mean but trust me, it only works this way. If you do things for her and hope she will give you sex you will be in for a long wait and you both will suffer.

      Relationships seem to work best for the both of you when YOU are in charge.

      Give it a try, and be prepared for a hell of an argument as most women have been thought by feminism never to submit.

      In the beginning she will test you but in the end she will thank you and you both will be happy.

  115. i am giving this testimony cos l am happy

    I never believe that there are people who can help people to get back there lover once,my husband who divorce me last year just because i was not having a children for him,so my husband never love me so my life was so bad,i did everything just to make him happy, he was not happy and i so much love him,so one day he came home angry and he told me that i should live is house that i can not given birth to a children that i should live is life that he had already call the lawyer that we are going to sign our divorce so when the lawyer came we sign the divorce,i now started living my life, so one day i was going to my friend place when i saw my old time friend,with are two kids when she now ask me about my kids and my husband tears fell off my eye she now ask me why was i crying what is the problem,she now told me to come to her house that we should talk about it,on Saturday i went to her house, when i told her all that happen,she smiled then i ask her, what is the problem that make her to smile or is she laughing at me she said no;that a man can help me to solve all this problem she said that prince ogbondu help her to get her husband back and make her to have children of her own so i told her that were is this man that can help people so she told me that this great man does not use black magic or voodoo power that this great man name prince ogbondu use Gods power to help people,she now call this great man for me we now talk on the phone, he now told me that he will call me later that he should do some prayer which he did and he call me and told me every thing that i should not worry that i am going to have children of my own he now said that my husband is going to call me back after 24hours,after the next 24hour my husband call me to come back to him that he will want me back again,now will are happy again in our marriage thanks to this great man prince ogbondu for his help and now i am three month pregnant i am the most happiest woman on this earth today thanks to him so if any body needs help contact him on his email [email protected] or call him +2348070687763 once again thanks to this great man for the help and the miracle he did for me prince ogbondu you are great
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  118. I did this for almost 13 years. He wanted sex everyday. There would be a day break here and there if he happened to fall asleep early and the weeks of my period, but otherwise, yeah, everyday. Then one day, he got mad that I didn’t wake him up after I got off work at 2am so I could give him some and I flipped. That was it. At that very moment, I lost all desire. We fought, we argued. I told him I can’t do it everyday anymore, that it’d be nice to go 3 days between. It’s been about 5 months since that happened and I can’t get him to go 3 days, but he has been holding to the 2 days. while i’m happy to not feel like such a slave, I still don’t like it. I hate it actually. The sex is fine. It’s the expectation that I hate. that it never stops. that if I do turn him down, he doesn’t talk to me and ignores me the next day. He’s still a dick when he gets it 2-3 times a week and says I have the problem. I don’t see this lasting much longer…..

    1. what you have to remember is for a man a relationship is very special we don’t want to be your friend you want to be your partner your loved one. if you have a relationship with a man and you don’t have sex with ask yourself what is the difference between you being his friend and you being his wife? in fact if you declared in the very beginning that you wanted to have a relationship or a marriage without sex do you think he would date or marry you? look at it from his point of view. marriage is a compromise both of you have to do your part in order for it to work. you have to do things you don’t necessarily want to and he should do the same. I am sure both of you are happier when he is satisfied. you both love each other so what’s the problem

  119. Ok, so when I’m not aroused, sex is painful. So, you’re telling me I should endure pain, so he can endure pleasure???? I don’t think so. On top of it he isn’t aroused if I’m enduring pain. What am I supposed to do now? I think having monogamous relationships is truly what the problem is.

    1. Karen you are looking at this all wrong. If you love your husband then you would communicate with him about what works and what doesn’t.

      If you just stop it forces us men to become unfaithful and to really resent you.

      How would you feel if your husband didn’t talk to you for 3 months? Then why would anyone think its ok to deprive a man?

      Monogamy is the solution not the problem, if you have an open relationship what makes you think your partner might not find someone worth dumping you for?

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  121. My wife says she has endometriosis , so we have no sex for the last two years and can’t get help , how can I handle this as a christian

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  123. I am married, my wife has not had sex with me for sex months, how do I feel. Rather unloved, worthless, un needed and un wanted. I don’t feel desired by my wife as a result, and have been noticing other women more.

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  125. If my wife had acted this way earlier in the marriage I would never have thoughts of how to get out. As a man I have come to realize I need my wife. I depend on her. She connects me to my life and what I’m here for. But, I have a wife that says no to sex so often that even me mentioning it or hinting around about it results in a drag out knock down type fight. As a man I don’t think when I reach out to my wife for love getting a response of screaming back in my face is what I was looking for. Over the years it has caused me distance and now she even turns me off so much that I wouldn’t have sex with now if it were to save my own life. That’s how upset I am over this and I guess the only answer is divorce. I can not think to do or try one more thing anymore and I’ve been trying for over 3 years to find a way to make myself. I have convinced myself I must find a way to move. To all you women out there that think it is ok to say no when your husband comes to you for love. Be very careful because after a while he might wake one morning and find himself alone in this mean world and you will be the epicenter of it all.

  126. Acknowledging this truth — that men need sex — needs another truth. Women need to feel emotionally safe at least, oh, I’ll say, even once or twice a year. When marriage turns into a woman giving to her husband based on his needs (sex), and a man giving to a woman based on what he can give ($, things, projects) — that marriage will fail. It’s one-sided and puts the woman in the position of being a prostitute: sex for food and shelter. If that’s all a man provides for his wife, the marriage is nothing but a contract. Yes, men need sex. If they’re not getting it, perhaps they might consider why their wives are so cold. Perhaps the wives are living in an ice box.
    Women feel used for sex not because they are mentally ill, but because their husbands confuse physical intimacy with total intimacy. It takes more than coitus to hold a relationship together. Men: you have a responsibility to meet your wives’ need for emotional safety as much as she has a responsibility to meet your need for sex.

    1. Well said! I’m totally okay with the once in awhile “maintenance sex”. Sometimes we spend too much time in our own heads and we need a distraction to reboot.
      I also believe that both people need to but the best interests of the marriage first and so etimes that means sacrifice.
      However….. A good husband will recognize what his wife’s needs are to GET in the mood….. Take charge and get a baby sitter for a night and go have fun!!! Without any expectation or discussion of sex. Remember dating? When just being together was enough? You wanted sex but didn’t expect it? Try and work to recreate that atmosphere and let things happen naturally

  127. Jo I have heard this argument before but it’s a logical fallacy. Firstly, sex is something that is easily defined and established from the beginning of the relationship. ‘Emotional security’ is difficult to define and is something that perhaps the requirements of would grow over time. What exactly one must do to meet needs of sex is easily to explain into words where for emotional security is not easily explained into words.

    Furthermore, assuming feminism is real, and I also would like to believe is true, should two compatible people want the same things out of a relationship? Meaning, shouldn’t the man want emotional security just as much as the woman and the woman want sex just as much as the man for the relationship to be compatible? This standoff of you give me what I want and I’ll give you what you want exchange seems destined to fail to me.

    In addition, why would an exchange of financial support for sex be any less acceptable than the exchange of emotional support? Both are after all an exchange, where what should be happening is that the woman should not see sex as an exchange at all. Sex should never be used as reward or punishment, to do so puts too much power on the act.

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  130. I’ve always wanted sex, but my husband hated the thought! According to him it was disgusting, smelly, messy a waste of sleep time and something that he would ever do. We had sex once and he just said never again he couldn’t understand what humans saw in sex. I basiclly never really saw him again he worked midnights all holidays and weekends, any time as long as he wasn’t home. He lived in the basement and I upstairs, this was our life for 46 years and counting. I just lived my life the best I could! It will be all over one of these days.

  131. I am joes candra, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR.OSAUYI for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 years now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR.OSAUYI released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to DR.OSAUYI for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. [email protected] that is his email address bye

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  134. I only wish we’d learned this in our marriage 15 years ago. She was always holding on to “not if I don’t feel like it” and I tried EVERYTHING I could think of. Weekends away, loads of quality time, activities together, conversation, gifts, romantic meals out, cosy morning lie-ins, offers of going to counselling (always refused), marriage courses(always refused), then just giving up (for several years) and waiting for things to get better. They didn’t. The last 5 years was like 4 times per year. Then came the menopause and it was clearly stated “never again”. She just dismissed any talk about it as my ‘needs’ which had nothing to do with her. I left, but I can’t bring myself to divorce, as I believe it’s wrong. I still support her (kids left home) even though we live apart. And we’re on friendly terms. She wants me back, but now I freeze whenever she comes near me. Fear of more rejection I guess.

    Living afraid of God now, as I’ve started another relationship (and I am disappointed with myself for doing that), but apart from being great much of the time, that is also filling me with guilt.
    That woman messed me up and I had no help from the church or its teaching. I am filled with bitterness, regret and lack of hope now. How can I be forgiven for messing up and deliberately acting wrongly, knowing it was wrong to leave my wife for another woman. Knowing I have deliberately broken my vows?
    I could blame my wife, as I did for a long time, but now I just blame myself. For somehow, somehow, not being good enough for her. Not good enough.

  135. My ex-husband and I had always managed to stay friendly after our divorce in JUNE LAST YEAR., but I always wanted to get back together with him, and he was never sure, because the Love was not there anymore. So I thought it was about time I MAKE him sure! All it took was a visit to this spell casters website this month DECEMBER, because my dream was to start a new year with my husband, and live happily with him.. This spell caster requested for a specific love spell for me and my husband, and i accepted it. And this powerful spell caster began to work his magic. And 24 hours after this spell caster worked for me, on the 10TH OF DECEMBER 2013, my husband called me back for us to be together again, and he was remorseful for all his wrong deeds.My spell is working because guess what: My “husband” is back and we are making preparations on how to go to court and withdraw our divorce papers ASAP. This is nothing short of a miracle. Thank you Lugard for your powerful spells. Words are not enough.thanks so much [email protected]

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  137. I wish my wife had thought as you do. I ended up with a wife that would almost never have sex. I think over these 30 years it has affected me mentally now. The rejection I’ve lived with has driven me to not have any desire or feelings for her anymore and now I wouldn’t have sex with her if it was the last thing earth I could do. Never thought 30 years into it I would want out. The family, the house, all we’ve built together and fought for, but without love, honestly, it’s not worth anything.

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  146. If a woman feels like a slut after having sex with her husband and cries herself to sleep as her husband “mmmm’s” and “feels so good!” there is a problem with the marriage that sex cannot solve. Women have needs, too. When the man’s need for sex is “real,” and a woman’s need for connection is not real (since it’s not a material thing), the marriage becomes a contract: financial support for sexual services: in short — her feeling like a prostitute has a basis in the lack of a connection other than the physical.

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  148. Saying Yes is the best answer and it strengthens the relationship.

    I have 25 years of marriage since August 2014, but as from August 2014 my wife starting saying no to sex stating that I do not satisfy her. Which is a very shocking answer to me. We are arguing everyday. I do not know where it will end.

  149. Well, what about when your husband wants it every day, says it is his love language, often does it porn style and doesn’t talk your love language at all? I have sex with my husband every day. It’s not enough for him.

    1. That sounds like more of a sexual addiction than normal sexual desire. Especially the fact that porn may be playing a part. I’m not a sexual therapist, but I would recommend speaking with an expert on this subject. Your husband may need to see a counselor.

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  151. Its quite clear many of the comments here are based on worldly laws. Hence the concept of what the bible guides us sounds like a foreign concept to them. The word rape has been used as if a married couple are 100% in the mood at every single encounter. It is quite clear that feminist sympathizers have paid us a visit and are trying to impose their world view on the christian one. I just wish they would be honest.

  152. What happens if its the other way im a man im fit and healthy but i work 2 and half jobs over 60 hours a week just yo provide for my wife ..who only works 2 days a week .. im trying to keep up with bills and when i want to destress like having someone to listen too witjout judging she doesnt just listens and so i dont feel like having sex with her ..not because she not stunning she is ..but looks isnt enough i need proper connection a freken understanding woman ..plus sokeone who understand im trying to provide for my family too ..

  153. I and my boyfriend have been dating for four year now and just last three months he told me, he no longer have feeling for me. He did not just say it like that he made it seem like it was his fault. He was like he has been thinking about his life and he feels like he doesn’t know himself anymore and that he doesn’t want to hurt me in the processes. I mean we all know those line i have used them and we all have the next words are always “I think we should take a break” which mean i want out of this relationship. I wish he told me all those things before he asked me to marry him i would totally move on with my life but now, it turn out that we were already engaged and for six months at that. I felt bonded to him my whole heart beats and skips just for him for the record his name is Sean. I tried all i could to get by knowing or having the thought in my heart that we could still fix us only to realize he broke up with me to actually date a girl i he meant. It was like he got tired of me or something. I basically never turned any of his request down what ever it was. Sean was literally the first guy i had sex with the every first day i meant them. Usually i make them wait for 40 day but with Sean everything felt right. Anytime i was with him i felt this pain in my heart it was like its bleeding but it was bleeding love. It was so magically that i can’t just explain it. So living without him knowing he left me for another girl was torture. I tried to talking to him in every way i could to make him see i love him but it was impossible. He made me feel like trash like am good for nothing and he called me fat and ugly. That really broke me down i could not believe it that of every person i have ever dated the one i love the most called me fat and ugly. My friends asked me to stop fooling myself trying to make him love me again but i was too in love i mean the heart wants what it wants right? and the more i tried the more he hated me. I was tagged by his new girlfriend and himself a sociopath. I was losing it and i fell into depression. Heaven know i was gonna kill myself because i really had nothing to leave for and he didn’t even care if i lived or died. I know this sound crazy but it was just what happened. Though we dating again with the help of a great and reliable witchdoctor Metodo Acamu, it still hurts a lot that i had to pass through all those pain. All my friend thought i was crazy because even when they tried to help me i pushed them all away so basically i was all alone in my world of pain i had already given up on life i mean i thought to myself if can’t have Sean, i was not going to live to watch him be happy with someone else. As foolish and crazy as this my sound , it was what i almost did. I was going to kill him and kill myself after wards. I don’t know, some how, maybe the universe wasn’t totally again me i came across the name witch doctor Metodo Acamu and his email address on the Internet there were a lot of comments on how real, nice and how much he has helped a lot of people fix there relationship , money issues, jobs and lottery ticket i thought contacting him was the last thing i should try before pushing on with my plan to take the life of the man i love. Believe me i was so lucky to have contacted him. He told me if i had killed Sean i would have tried in so many ways to kill myself to join him but it won’t have worked. I don’t know how true that is but i know that i was asked to get some materials for the witch doctor to make a spell that will reunite me and my fiancé. I sent him the money for the materials only because i could not get them anyway. He helped me a lot he sent a package for me with ups of which i paid for to get to me from an international. He told me to say what i want when burning the content of package with something that has the smell of incense and that in seven days Sean will be mine again and believe me please that was just what happened. It was so spiritual and out of earth that i could not understand how but i knew it worked for me and it is totally safe like Metodo Acamu told me. I know this all sound crazy but its so true and real life so. You can only know when those who need Metodo Acamu help get it. Contact him her metodoacamufortressx@ yah oo. com and please use this email in the regular format

  154. Well, I can tell you I want it practically daily even at the three year mark and my man shoots me down all the time even if I physically initiate. I’m a former model so I know I am not bad looking and I know he’s not cheating. I know men saying no DOES exist and it is very damaging. Why? Because most women expect men to say yes at least most of the time. OUCH.

    1. Model or not, he is a nut job for turning the woman he CHOOSE to be with down on a regular basis. Unless you physically or mentally change in a DRASTIC way there is simply no excuse. I can prob count on one hand the times I have actually turned down sex from my wife, now together for 10 years. I will admit there is a chance of sexual burnout for men and woman but that usually only happens of your wanting every day multiple times a day. Every once in a while my wife will do those and even then I have to take a moment to recover. But honestly I would rather her be a sex lunatic, fend her off from time to time than it seeming to be the worst thing in her world. Take my advice and find someone who is just as into sex as u are before it’s too late.

  155. I hope this doesn’t sound greedy, but it’s better put , “Have Sex. . Without Saying You Don’t Feel Like It”. Insufficient marital sex is a life wasted, being reminded every time that it’s a chore grudgingly agreed to is soul crushing. Fortunately, after a few decades it just gets numb.

    There is a term used in the “oldest profession”; “the illusion of passion,” (Yes, as Simon and Garfunkel sang, there are times I was so lonesome, I took some comfort there), so please, please, please ladies give your love more than sex, give him the “illusion of passion”.

  156. Spot on with this write-up, I actually think this website needs far more
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  157. Dear Nicole,
    i deduce you’re a christian? i’m on your site because i have been searching for a solution to this particular issue. Hubster & i almost argued last night, because i slept off (i always do, after returning from work & fixing dinner, etc) Usually he says i dont initiate sex, & that even if i do, i sleep off (am pregnant) i told him to take it easy because of my present condition, but he seems not to understand at all. I wish i dont sleep off at all, & i wish i am able to initiate sex at times. It just doesnt come to me naturally. My Hubby & I are Christians, but i dont want him to ever think of sex from outside our marriage… what can i do to make things better? He actually asked me if i have a problem with sex ( course i said no) but now, i dont know what the problem is, or who its with. pls help, any1. Thank you for listening, i appreciate.

  158. I’ve said for years that men are simple. We want sex on a semi-regular basis and the occasional pat on the back for a job well-done. That’s it. If we get those two things, we are more likely to be ambitious, loving, devoted, helpful, kind, sincere, …… and romantic. Take away either one and we feel rejected, unloved (and unlovable), depressed, and lethargic. It’s biology, no culture or society. It is simply how men are. Women want so much from us, often not realizing that the easiest way to get it all is to just give a little.

  159. This topic has little to do with religion, one or another, but because you brought it up and tried to connect the dots, I’ll use it too. In the Christian bible, the front section called the 5 Books, marriages often involved several wives. Secondly, Lesbianism is not condemned, but homosexuality is. How would one husband take care of say 10 women? It would be overwhelming for him, so its not unthinkable that sexual relationships could exist between several wives sharing one husband. Sex would likely be more interesting. But getting back to the situation today of just one wife with one husband, its obvious that there would exist an imbalance in sexual desire, in most cases. The solution is simple. Have more wives. Even in the most healthy of relationships, denying a husband sex, when all he wants to do is release stress, is suicidal for the marriage. And those that think that its harder for a woman to reject a man rather than a man to hold back is nonsense too. Its the man that has to be aroused to perform, a woman just needs to open her legs, to put it bluntly. As a man ages, the concern in his ability to continue to be erect, is more and more stressful. As an older couple, you should rejoice in the fact that he can still become erect, naturally, and have sex if for no other reason than a stress reducer. Its that simple

  160. I wrote homosexuality relationships are condemned, but what I meant to write was that gay relationships are condemned and not lesbian relationships

  161. 31 year old “happily?!” married male with 2 kids here. All I can say is that prior to children my wife and I were regular pretend pornstars, vulgar I know. My only regret now after nearly 10 years together is that our relationship was founded and sustained by mostly that, sex. Now that LIFE has finally happened, house, both have always worked full time, 2 children under 5, sex is rarily on her mind. While I totally understand there are COUNTLESS reasons and causes for a woman’s lack of sexual desire I still find it a bit…..insensative the way most wife’s brush off their husbands pleading cries for help regarding this issue. Call us babies or immature or whatever but if you don’t have a DEEP psychological or physical issue, if that were the case I would hope those issues were known prior to marriage or the husband is at fault for not accepting these issues, you are NOT being a fair wife assuming your man is doing all the right things. I gave my wife plenty of reasons to resent me and withhold sex for a good 2 year stretch but what frustrates me most was when we moved past that and I was the best man I could be it was still rejection after rejection. If you are new to marriage its hopefully sunshine and rainbows for a while but please for the love of God never ever ever act in a way that will cause your wife to resent you. What makes this worse is if you have a “silent” wife who is a terrible communicator and just burries everything deep down until one day she says she’s unsure of the future. Just like sometimes it seems we have to force sex, I would plea that you force open communication and find out her needs even though it’s like pulling teeth. It’s def complicated the longer you are married simply because a mans sexual desire NEVER fades and so many things can affect a woman’s. Mind over matter I say. I’ll leave you with this parting statement I tried on my wife after she gave me her regular huff and puff take clothes off, throw them across room, complain about not wanting to be naked at that moment, and face other direction so not to face medusas gaze:

    168. 168 hours in a week. I know I’m selfish for wanting you 1-2 hours of that week. I wish we could find the time and you could understand how much just a few hours a week means to us.

  162. Alex “168. 168 hours in a week. I know I’m selfish for wanting you 1-2 hours of that week” – I would say that its a need rather than a want. The male organism is so incredible, so relaxing, stress reducing, euphoric, that under normal conditions in life, other than taking hallucinogenic drugs, nothing compares to the joy. Nothing. Nothing comes close to the joy and orgasm gives a man.

    So couples today are forced into the 1 male 1 female situation by predominantly Christian societies. Its an impossible scenario which cause women to behave like meat and men to be reduced to beggars. Its simply not fair to both.

    So either have more than one wife to spread your needs or have a wife that understands the needs of her man that causes her to be a piece of meat and him a beggar. Its a tough existence these days, I know.

    I can think of nothing more pleasurable in a healthy relationship, with a man having had sex and thinks, at least some of the act was enjoyable for her. This back turning, cursing immediately afterwards, dirty looks, slamming doors, name calling is time for a separation imo.

    I know many women do not enjoy sex like men do, but if you can try to think of the best food in the most enjoyable setting, having your meal, and your partner throwing up all over you. Thats coming close to what a man feels like when he senses you didn’t have a good time.

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